1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,755 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,356 D' 3 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,817 Aah! 4 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:24,125 Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, 5 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,087 distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate 6 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,047 this emergency warning system. 7 00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:32,467 In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster 8 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:35,386 this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield 9 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,097 what to do. 10 00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,193 The joke's on them. 11 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,654 If the core explodes, 12 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:56,658 there won't be any power to light that sign. 13 00:01:56,741 --> 00:02:00,620 And now, I would like to present the man who made this sign possible 14 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:04,582 by dropping the last of his obstructionist legal challenges, 15 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,209 Montgomery Burns. 16 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,255 Mr. Burns is never late. 17 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,423 Something must be terribly wrong. 18 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,386 There better be. Nobody leaves Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag. 19 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,681 Must turn over. 20 00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:23,643 Got to greet dignitaries. 21 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,312 No! Mr. Burns! We've got to get a doctor. 22 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:29,107 Absolutely not. No quack Sawbone's is 23 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,402 going to apply his leeches to me. 24 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,404 As long as there's an ounce of strength 25 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:37,407 left in me, I... 26 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,411 Mr. Burns is suffering 27 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,164 from what we medical men call hypohemia. 28 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,666 In laymen's terms, it's quite simply a lack of blood. 29 00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,519 Damn it, doctor, I'm no idiot. I know what hypohemia is. 30 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,312 What I want to know is what can we do about it? 31 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,423 Well, at this point, our only hope is a transfusion. 32 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,109 How long does it take to sterilize a needle? 33 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,634 - A few seconds. - Skip it! 34 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,428 Just leave me enough to get home. 35 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:01,472 I'm afraid it's not that simple. 36 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,350 His blood type is double-o-negative. 37 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,644 - It's quite rare. - But I'm b-positive. 38 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,688 Damn my common gutter-blood in my veins. 39 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,815 Smithers, don't feel so bad. 40 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,444 After all, the kidney you donated to me 41 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,112 really hit the spot. 42 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,782 Attention all employees! 43 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,285 Our boss and inspiration, Mr. Burns, 44 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,996 is at death's... death's door. 45 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:28,166 If you have type double-o-negative blood 46 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,710 I implore you to report to the Bloodmobile outside. 47 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,420 That is all. 48 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,255 I'd give him my blood except for one thing. 49 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,924 - What's that? - I don't want to. 50 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:39,302 I can't believe you guys. 51 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:41,596 There's a human being out there 52 00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:44,015 with millions of dollars who needs our help, 53 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:46,100 and you don't want to cash in? 54 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:49,562 That's why you losers are stuck in this crummy dead-end job. 55 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,190 - You know, Homer, I am your supervisor. - Sorry, sir. 56 00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:54,234 Maggie, look. What's that? 57 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:55,652 Lee-mur. 58 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,321 Lee-mur. Zebu. 59 00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:01,991 - Zeee-booo. - What are you doing, honey? 60 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,678 I'm trying to teach Maggie that nature doesn't end with the barnyard. 61 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,413 I want her to have all the advantages that I didn't have. 62 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,251 Lisa, we did the best we could. What's a zebu? 63 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,962 It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. 64 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:17,632 Hump and dewlap. Hump and dewlap. 65 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,260 - Marge! What's my blood type? - A-positive. 66 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,221 Aw, nuts! Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. 67 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:26,641 You know his blood type? How romantic. 68 00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:28,404 A mother knows everything about her family. 69 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:30,395 - Yeah? What's my shoe size? - 4-B. 70 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,638 - How many teeth do I have? - 16 permanent, eight baby. 71 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,065 - Earmuffs? - XL. 72 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,376 - Ring? - I don't want you wearing rings. 73 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,442 It looks cheap. But three. 74 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,069 - Allergies? - Butterscotch 75 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:39,904 - and imitation butterscotch. - And? 76 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,240 - Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup. - Ooh, impressive. 77 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,575 How many hairs on my head? Without looking. 78 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,494 Homey, you have lots of hair. 79 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:48,496 Why did you want to know your blood type? 80 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:51,541 Old man Burns is gonna kick off if he doesn't get some 81 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,834 double-o-negative blood, 82 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,377 but nobody at the plant has it. 83 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:57,213 - Bart does. - Whoa! Yes! All right! Whoo! 84 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,132 Congratulations, boy! 85 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,259 You've got a date with a needle. 86 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,386 Hey, wait a minute. I don't have to give blood. 87 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,762 I have rights, you know. 88 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,639 Yeah, you have the right to remain silent. 89 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,766 Bart, you have to help someone in need. 90 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:11,811 - It's the only decent thing to do. - D' 91 00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:15,690 Bart, it's not like I'm asking you to give blood for free. 92 00:05:15,773 --> 00:05:19,277 That would be crazy. You're a little young to understand this, 93 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,571 but when you save a rich man's life, 94 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,323 he showers you with riches! 95 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,908 Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion? 96 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,618 - Is it a Bible story? - Yeah probably. 97 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,662 Anyway, once upon a time, 98 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:34,292 there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw, 99 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,794 and all the village people tried to pull it out, 100 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,464 but nobody was strong enough. 101 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:41,090 So, they got Hercules. 102 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,967 And Hercules used his mighty strength 103 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,802 and bingo! 104 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,139 Anyway, the moral is the lion was so happy 105 00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:51,642 he gave Hercules this big thing of riches. 106 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,436 How did a lion get rich? 107 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,396 It was the olden days. 108 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,192 Hey! Let's go! 109 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,652 Emergency! Life or death here! 110 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:04,113 - Just a sec, man. - Whoa, Otto, man. 111 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,740 - You work here? - Yeah. 112 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,784 During the day, all my friends are in school, 113 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,244 so I got a job as a certified bloodletting tech dude. 114 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,913 Now, let's get this show on the road. 115 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,332 Okay. Let me wash up. 116 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,879 Homer, brave young Bart... 117 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:21,756 I don't know which one to hug first. 118 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,591 The boy. 119 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:25,676 Eww. 120 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,145 Oop! 121 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,733 We're ready with the transfusion. 122 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,486 Smithers, I'm not going to make it. 123 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,447 I want to dictate my epitaph. 124 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:50,118 - Go ahead. - Charles Montgomery Burns... 125 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,328 American... 126 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,706 And a patriot American... 127 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,083 Patriot... 128 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,003 Master of the atom... 129 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,465 Scourge of the despot. 130 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,596 Tyrant, hear his mighty name and quake! 131 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,640 Smithers! I'm back! 132 00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,642 Top of the morning to you. 133 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,644 Why, look who's here. 134 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,938 It's... good old... you. 135 00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:20,690 Hi, Mr. Burns. 136 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,359 Hey, there, Mister... 137 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,777 Brownshoes. 138 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,904 How about that local sports team? 139 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,490 Mr. Burns... he's okay. 140 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,200 Jackpot! 141 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,997 Ay caramba! 142 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,291 Well, that's game. 143 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,626 Hasta mañana, Oswaldo. 144 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,587 Smithers, I'm back in the pink... 145 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:44,672 Full of pith and vinegar. 146 00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:46,340 Just remarkable, sir. 147 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,259 You know, it's funny, Smithers. 148 00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:51,637 I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic 149 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,723 and patent medicine there is, 150 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:57,685 and all I really needed was the blood of a young boy. 151 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,855 - By the way, what was the lad's name? - Bart Simpson, sir. 152 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,607 - Who? - He's the son of Homer Simpson, 153 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,275 one of your stiffs in sector 7-G. 154 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,819 Well, the Simpsons will be getting 155 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,280 a very nice surprise in the mail. 156 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,283 Very nice, indeed. 157 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,160 Bill, bill... 158 00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,620 summons, bill... 159 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:17,955 Wait a minute. 160 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,124 From C.M. Burns. This is it. 161 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,792 Yes, this is it! 162 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:22,877 Woo-hoo! Whoo! 163 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,004 Bart, Lisa, Maggie! 164 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,632 Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see. 165 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,050 Lisa, dim the lights. 166 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,885 No! turn on more lights. Do something. 167 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,386 Yes, Dad. 168 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,307 It's a little thin, but that's okay. 169 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,725 It could be a check. 170 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,769 Alright, there's no check. 171 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,354 Just a card, but don't panic. 172 00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:44,023 I'm sure it tells us what we're getting 173 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,900 and where we can pick it up. 174 00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:49,028 "Dear Bart, Thank you kindly for the blood. 175 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:52,073 Yours truly, Montgomery Burns." 176 00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:54,867 D'It's just a card! 177 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,748 Is that some way to show your gratitude? 178 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,209 No gold, no diamonds, no jewelry... 179 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,961 not even a lousy card. 180 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,963 Wait a minute. There was a card. 181 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,774 That's what got me so mad in the first place! 182 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,300 You don't do things like that to be rewarded. 183 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,011 You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand. 184 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,722 Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much, 185 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,142 but you're living in a world of make-believe 186 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,311 with flowers and bells and leprechauns 187 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,272 and magic frogs with funny little hats. 188 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,148 - Yeah, Mom, we got hosed. - Bart! 189 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,734 We got exactly what we wanted out of this! 190 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,696 We gave an old man a second chance. 191 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,574 I promised my boy one simple thing: 192 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,242 lots of riches 193 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,202 and that man broke my promise. 194 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,286 Well I've had it! 195 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,663 Bart, take a letter! 196 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,790 Dear Mr. Burns 197 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:47,420 I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood 198 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,715 and your card was just great. 199 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,302 In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. 200 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,512 You stink! 201 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,514 Could you read that last part back to me? 202 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,058 - "You stink!" - Good. 203 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,687 You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy 204 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:08,441 with bony girl arms, and you smell like... 205 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,026 An elephant's butt? 206 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,862 An elephant's butt. 207 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,032 But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute? 208 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,033 Yup. 209 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,368 You're still angry, Homer. Why don't you sleep on it? 210 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,997 - Forget it, Marge. - Please, Homey? 211 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,665 For me? 212 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,337 All right. 213 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,173 You always do that hand thing, 214 00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,508 and it usually works. 215 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,385 Cheap son of a... 216 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,397 Ooh, pancakes. 217 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,983 Ooh. 218 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,736 Homer, breakfast is ready. 219 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,448 Marge, you saved me 220 00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,033 from making a big mistake. 221 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,994 You know, I finally understand the meaning of... 222 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,163 Meaning of what? 223 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,623 Better half, Marge. Better half. 224 00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,792 - Thank you. - Where's the letter? 225 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,302 Where is it? 226 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,432 Homer, I don't think it's in the cornstarch canister. 227 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,850 Well, it's somewhere. 228 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,936 It didn't just get up and walk away. 229 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,522 Bart, have you seen the letter? 230 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,358 - Yep. - All right, think very carefully. 231 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:35,528 Where did you see it last? 232 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,531 The last place I saw it... 233 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,158 - was in my hand. - Yeah? 234 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,952 As I was shoving it 235 00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,121 into the mailbox. 236 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:46,372 D' 237 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,666 Why did you do that? 238 00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:52,461 Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. 239 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,548 And I know you. You're an emotional guy. 240 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,466 Just because you were mad last night 241 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,236 is no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning. 242 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,096 I'll show you mad in the morning! 243 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,223 Homer, you encouraged him. 244 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,308 You should be strangling yourself. 245 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,478 She's right. 246 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,522 Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. 247 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,083 They don't pick up the mail till noon. 248 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,692 There's still time! 249 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,698 Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. 250 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,658 Locked? 251 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,119 Well, I just might have a little surprise 252 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,080 up my sleeve for old Mr. Lock. 253 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,583 Step aside, boy. 254 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,713 Hey! 255 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,089 I'm with you, Homer. 256 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,341 Fight the power! 257 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,764 - Why the hose, Homer? - What does it look like? 258 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,682 I'll get our letter so wet, 259 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,268 the ink will run, and no one will be able to read it. 260 00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,079 Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there? 261 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,231 So a few people won't get a few letters. Boo-hoo. 262 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,108 You know the kind of letters people write: 263 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,194 "Dear somebody you never heard of... 264 00:12:58,277 --> 00:12:59,612 "How is so and so? 265 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:00,946 "Blah, blah, blah. 266 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,699 Yours truly, some bozo." Big loss. 267 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,702 Now, Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. 268 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,038 Just give me some kinda signal. 269 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,974 - Dad, the mailman's here. - That's a good one. We'll use that. 270 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,459 No, I mean the mailman's here! 271 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,795 Dear God! Are you planning to water the mail? 272 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,339 I guess it wouldn't do any good to run, 273 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:21,509 'cause you're a mail lady and you know my name and address and everything? 274 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:25,596 - That's right. - Well, I'm still going to run! 275 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:28,307 I want the whole world to hear the story 276 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,976 of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia. 277 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,188 Sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business. 278 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,232 He's written Like Hell I Can't, 279 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,775 Up From the Muck, 280 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,318 The Unsinkable Sadruodin Mahbaradad. 281 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:42,655 - Excellent. - All right, first question. 282 00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:45,199 Have you slept with anyone famous? 283 00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,326 Well, Countess Von Zeppelin and I... 284 00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,953 What in blaze! 285 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:52,206 Now you listen to me, you bargain-basement Baudelaire. 286 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,083 I'm not some dizzy starlet 287 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,043 who can't string two words together. 288 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,795 I can write this thing myself! 289 00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,505 You're fired! 290 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,805 Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. 291 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,307 I believe you have a letter for me. 292 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:13,018 Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name? 293 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,062 I don't know. 294 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:18,232 Great plan, Bart. 295 00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,900 Ooh, look, Maggie. 296 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,193 What is that? 297 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:25,239 Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron. 298 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:27,741 Lisa, I don't know what you're doing 299 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,286 but it's very strange, and your father's trying to worry. 300 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,872 Chapter the fifth... 301 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:36,792 The trip to the infirmary with most unexpected results. 302 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,841 Oops. 28 minutes till Burns comes in. 303 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,260 Time for operation "Mail Take." 304 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,142 Can I help you? 305 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,727 Don't be frightened of this. 306 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:57,438 It's nothing but a letter opener. Who are you? 307 00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,148 Don't tell him. Give him a fake name. 308 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,774 - Homer Simpson. - D' 309 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,443 Simpson? 310 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,987 Simpson, why there's a letter here from you. 311 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,239 I'll just read it right now. 312 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,784 "Dear Mr. Burns, I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, 313 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,120 and your card was just great." 314 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:17,833 Why, Simpson, you've made my day. 315 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,002 You're a true gentleman. 316 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,255 - Well, I'll be on my... - Hello, there's more. 317 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:27,092 "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. 318 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,969 "You stink. 319 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,638 "You are a senile 320 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,599 "buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms, 321 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:37,478 and you smell like an elephant's butt." 322 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,397 Hey! Come on, Joey, you have to twist my arm? 323 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,150 Homer, I don't tell you how to do your job, okay? 324 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:47,529 I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. 325 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,991 No, revenge is a dish best served cold. 326 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,535 I'll bide my time until... 327 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,579 What the hell. 328 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,414 I'll just crush him like an ant. 329 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,880 Senile? Buck-toothed, am I? 330 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,634 Bony arms, are they? Liver spots, did I? 331 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,345 - Shameless, will you? - His pink slip awaits your signature, sir. 332 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,932 Now that's odd. 333 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:17,309 I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, 334 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,979 and yet I feel strangely empty. 335 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,148 Tell you what, Smithers, have him beaten to a pulp. 336 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,483 - But, sir... - But what? 337 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,110 Nothing, sir. 338 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,195 I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad, 339 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,947 and he's always kind of mad. 340 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:34,076 Me and my big letter-writing pen. 341 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,036 Honey, what's done is done. 342 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,205 No matter what happens, we'll pull through. 343 00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,290 - We always do. - Okay, here's the plan. 344 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,710 You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids, 345 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:45,129 and I'll die in a gutter. 346 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,214 It's practical and within our means. 347 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,969 They always told me I was going to destroy the family, 348 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,679 but I never believed it. 349 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:54,763 That's okay, Bart. 350 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,140 Nobody really believed it. 351 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,766 We were just trying to scare you. 352 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,688 - You know Homer Simpson? - Yeah, nice guy. 353 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,189 Play poker with him once in awhile. 354 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,151 We, um, need him beaten up. 355 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,694 - You got it. - Wait. 356 00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:11,822 - What is it? - Nothing. 357 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,365 - Wait. - What? 358 00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,784 Beat, but don't kick. 359 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,870 - Hold the kicks. Got it. - Wait. 360 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:21,206 - What? - Um... 361 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,042 What did Homey do, anyway? 362 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,880 He saved Mr. Burns's life. 363 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,968 In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. 364 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,928 What's that you say? 365 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,263 Me thanking you? 366 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,348 No, it's not a misprint. 367 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,518 For you see, I enjoyed writing this book 368 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,896 as much as you enjoyed reading it. 369 00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,398 The End. 370 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,151 Smithers, how did the beating go? 371 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,778 Sir, there was no beating. 372 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,072 What? Well that's a hell of a thing. Why? 373 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,283 - Because I... I called it off. - Judas! 374 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,578 I'm sorry, sir, but I just couldn't hurt Homer Simpson. 375 00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,455 - He saved your life. - I see. 376 00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:03,123 I know you're mad at me, 377 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,958 but I think it's only fair to warn you, 378 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,978 I'm going to stand outside the gate until you forgive me. 379 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,879 No need, Smithers. 380 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,090 As usual, you've been the sober ying 381 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,051 to my raging yang. 382 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:18,055 Put her there, old pal. 383 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,392 Sir, while I wish this handshake would never end, 384 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,979 I'm afraid we still have the Simpson matter to attend to. 385 00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,523 We do indeed, old friend. 386 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,442 We do, indeed. 387 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,611 Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. 388 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,196 Yeah. Hello, is Mike there? 389 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,781 Last name Rotch. 390 00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,157 Hold on, I'll check. 391 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,827 Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch? 392 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,829 Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? 393 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,541 Listen to me, you little puke. 394 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,751 One of these days I'm going to catch you, 395 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,116 and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick! 396 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,466 What's the matter, Homer? 397 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,343 You're not your normal effervescent self. 398 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,846 I've got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. 399 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,807 Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems. 400 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:06,103 Yeah, you should always drink to enhance your social skills. 401 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,230 We'll get the Simpsons a present... 402 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,107 An extravagant present. 403 00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:13,569 A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present. 404 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,197 A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop zabulous present. 405 00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,241 Too practical. 406 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,703 Too cutesie-poo. 407 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,749 ♪♪-Too cornball. 408 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,836 A pool table? Are you mad? 409 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,963 I'm not going to turn his home into a saloon. 410 00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,507 Eureka! We've found it. 411 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,551 But, sir, it's $32,000. 412 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:41,847 Don't you dare sully this moment with your price taggery. 413 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,140 It's perfect. 414 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,851 Woe is me. 415 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:48,770 My, it's Mr. Burns. 416 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,274 Heave-ho, heave-ho. 417 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,819 - Heave-ho. - Wait, Dad, he's smiling. 418 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,281 Mr. Burns, you brought us a present. 419 00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,325 What did you think I was going to do, 420 00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:05,120 have you beaten to a bloody pulp? 421 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,872 To show there's no hard feelings, 422 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,707 please take an advance copy of my book. 423 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,754 And now young fellow, I haven't forgotten you. 424 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,173 - Here. - Wow! A crowbar. 425 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:19,134 It's to open the crate, stupid. 426 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,887 What did I tell you? 427 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,410 I'll bet it's filled with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, pearls. 428 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,227 Wow! 429 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187 - A big, ugly head. - D' 430 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:33,690 Actually, son, it's a big, ugly, Olmec Indian head. 431 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,027 It was carved by Mesoamerican Indians over 3,000 years ago. 432 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,946 This gruesome customer 433 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,323 is Ixtapolapoquetl... The god of war. 434 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,242 Awesome! 435 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,910 No, Maggie, not Aztec. 436 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,579 Olmec. Olmec. 437 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:48,705 Marge, what does it do? 438 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:49,915 It doesn't do anything. 439 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,084 Marge, really, what does it do? 440 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,378 Whatever it does, it's doing it now. 441 00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,380 Well, I'll let you get acquainted 442 00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,173 with Señor Ixtapolapoquetl. 443 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,508 Ta! 444 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,926 Did you see their faces, Smithers? 445 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,720 Sir, you're my god of generosity. 446 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,390 Save a guy's life and what do you get? 447 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,643 Nothing. Worse than nothing... 448 00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,144 Just a big, scary rock. 449 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,272 Hey, man, don't badmouth the head. 450 00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,148 Homer, it's the thought that counts. 451 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,817 The moral of this story is, 452 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,069 a good deed is its own reward. 453 00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:22,239 Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool. 454 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:25,826 Well, then I guess the moral is: no good deed goes unrewarded. 455 00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:29,162 Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter 456 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,748 we wouldn't have gotten anything. 457 00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,167 Well, then I guess the moral is: 458 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,837 the squeaky wheel gets the grease. 459 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,131 Perhaps there is no moral to this story. 460 00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:40,799 Exactly. 461 00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:42,843 It's just a bunch of stuff that happened. 462 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,345 But it certainly was a memorable few days. 463 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,930 Amen to that. 464 00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,352 ♪♪ 465 00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:55,082 Shh! 466 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,380 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.