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00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,759
{\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪
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-(chalk screeches)
-(bell rings)
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(work whistle blows)
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-(sucking)
-(register beeping)
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(jazzy solo)
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(tires screech)
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(tires screeching)
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(horn honks)
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(tires screech)
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D'oh!
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-Aah!
-(tires screech)
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{\an8}Uh... Chief Wiggum,
Archbishop McGee,
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{\an8}distinguished guests,
I am pleased to dedicate
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{\an8}this emergency warning system.
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{\an8}In the off-chance
of a nuclear disaster
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{\an8}this sign will tell you,
the good citizens of Springfield
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{\an8}what to do.
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{\an8}HOMER:
The joke's on them.
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{\an8}If the core explodes,
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{\an8}there won't be any power
to light that sign.
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And now, I would like to present
the man who made this sign possible
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by dropping the last of his
obstructionist legal challenges,
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Montgomery Burns.
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Mr. Burns is never late.
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Something must be
terribly wrong.
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{\an8}There better be. Nobody leaves
Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag.
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(gasping)
Must turn over.
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Got to greet dignitaries.
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Oh, no! Mr. Burns!
We've got to get a doctor.
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Absolutely not.
No quack Sawbone's is
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going to apply
his leeches to me.
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As long as there's
an ounce of strength
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-left in me, I--
-(body thuds)
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Mmm.
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Mr. Burns is suffering
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from what we medical men
call hypohemia.
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In laymen's terms, it's quite
simply a lack of blood.
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Damn it, doctor, I'm no idiot.
I know what hypohemia is.
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What I want to know is
what can we do about it?
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Well, at this point,
our only hope is a transfusion.
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How long does it take
to sterilize a needle?
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-A few seconds.
-Oh, skip it!
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Just leave me enough
to get home.
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(chuckling)
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
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His blood type
is double-o-negative.
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-It's quite rare.
-But I'm b-positive.
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Damn my common gutter-blood
in my veins.
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Smithers, don't feel so bad.
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After all, the kidney
you donated to me
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really hit the spot.
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SMITHERS:
Attention all employees!
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Our boss and inspiration,
Mr. Burns,
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is at death's... death's door.
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-(scoffs)
-If you have type double-o-negative blood
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I implore you to report
to the Bloodmobile outside.
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That is all.
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I'd give him my blood
except for one thing.
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-What's that?
-I don't want to.
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-(laughing)
-I can't believe you guys.
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There's a human being
out there
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with millions of dollars
who needs our help,
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and you don't want
to cash in?
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That's why you losers are stuck
in this crummy dead-end job.
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-You know, Homer, I am your supervisor.
-Sorry, sir.
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Maggie, look.
What's that?
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Lee-mur.
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Lee-mur. Zebu.
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-Zeee-booo.
-What are you doing, honey?
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00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,615
I'm trying to teach Maggie that nature
doesn't end with the barnyard.
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I want her to have all the
advantages that I didn't have.
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00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,247
Lisa, we did the best we could.
What's a zebu?
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It's like an ox, only it has
a hump and a dewlap.
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Hump and dewlap.
Hump and dewlap.
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-Marge! What's my blood type?
-A-positive.
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Aw, nuts! Extremely rare blood,
and I don't have it.
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You know his blood type?
How romantic.
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A mother knows everything
about her family.
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-Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
-4-B.
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-How many teeth do I have?
-16 permanent, eight baby.
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-Earmuffs?
-XL.
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-Ring?
-I don't want you wearing rings.
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It looks cheap. But three.
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-Allergies?
-Butterscotch
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-and imitation butterscotch.
-And?
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-Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
-Ooh, impressive.
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How many hairs on my head?
Without looking.
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Oh, Homey, you have
lots of hair.
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Why did you want to know
your blood type?
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Old man Burns is gonna
kick off if he doesn't get some
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double-o-negative blood,
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but nobody at the plant has it.
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-Bart does.
-Whoa! Yes! All right! Whoo!
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Congratulations, boy!
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You've got a date
with a needle.
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Hey, wait a minute.
I don't have to give blood.
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I have rights, you know.
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Yeah, you have the right
to remain silent.
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Bart, you have to help
someone in need.
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-It's the only decent thing to do.
-D'oh!
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Bart, it's not like I'm asking you
to give blood for free.
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That would be crazy. You're a little
young to understand this,
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but when you save
a rich man's life,
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he showers you with riches!
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Don't you know the story
of Hercules and the lion?
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-Is it a Bible story?
-Yeah probably.
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Anyway, once upon a time,
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there was a big, mean lion
who got a thorn in his paw,
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and all the village people
tried to pull it out,
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but nobody was strong enough.
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So, they got Hercules.
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And Hercules used
his mighty strength
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and bingo!
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Anyway, the moral is
the lion was so happy
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he gave Hercules
this big thing of riches.
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How did a lion get rich?
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-It was the olden days.
-Oh.
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Hey! Let's go!
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Emergency!
Life or death here!
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-Just a sec, man.
-Whoa, Otto, man.
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-You work here?
-Oh, yeah.
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During the day,
all my friends are in school,
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so I got a job as a certified
bloodletting tech dude.
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Now, let's get this
show on the road.
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Okay. Let me wash up.
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(humming "Iron Man"
by Black Sabbath)
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Homer, brave young Bart...
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I don't know
which one to hug first.
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Uh, the boy.
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-Eww.
-(tires screeching)
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(humming tune)
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-Oop!
-(bell dings)
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We're ready with
the transfusion.
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Smithers,
I'm not going to make it.
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I want to dictate my epitaph.
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-Go ahead.
-Charles Montgomery Burns...
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-Mm-hmm.
-American...
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-Mm-hmm.
-And a patriot American...
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Patriot...
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Master of the atom...
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Scourge of the despot.
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Oh, tyrant,
hear his mighty name and quake!
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Smithers! I'm back!
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BURNS:
Top of the morning to you.
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Why, look who's here.
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It's... good old... you.
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Hi, Mr. Burns.
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Oh! Hey, there, Mister...
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Brownshoes.
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00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,901
How about that local
sports team?
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Mr. Burns-- he's okay.
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-Jackpot!
-(glass breaking)
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Ay caramba!
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(laughing)
Well, that's game.
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Hasta mañana, Oswaldo.
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Smithers, I'm back in the pink--
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full of pith and vinegar.
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Just remarkable, sir.
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You know, it's funny, Smithers.
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I tried every tincture
and poultice and tonic
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and patent medicine there is,
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and all I really needed was
the blood of a young boy.
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-By the way, what was the lad's name?
-Bart Simpson, sir.
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-Who?
-He's the son of Homer Simpson,
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one of your stiffs
in sector 7-G.
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Well, the Simpsons
will be getting
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a very nice surprise
in the mail.
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Very nice, indeed.
(fiendish laugh)
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Bill, bill...
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summons, bill...
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(gasps)
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Wait a minute.
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From C.M. Burns.
This is it.
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Yes, this is it!
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Woo-hoo! Whoo!
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Bart, Lisa, Maggie!
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Let's do this out in the yard
where the neighbors can see.
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Lisa, dim the lights.
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No! turn on more lights.
Do something.
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Yes, Dad.
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It's a little thin,
but that's okay.
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It could be a check.
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Alright, there's no check.
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Just a card,
but don't panic.
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I'm sure it tells us
what we're getting
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and where we can pick it up.
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"Dear Bart,
Thank you kindly for the blood.
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Yours truly, Montgomery Burns."
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D'oh! It's just a card!
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Is that some way
to show your gratitude?
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00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,211
No gold, no diamonds,
no jewelry...
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00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,962
not even a lousy card.
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00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,964
Wait a minute.
There was a card.
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00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,706
That's what got me so mad
in the first place!
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You don't do things like that
to be rewarded.
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00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,014
You do them because a fellow
human being needs a helping hand.
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00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,715
Marge, you're my wife
and I love you very much,
197
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,136
but you're living
in a world of make-believe
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00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,306
with flowers and bells
and leprechauns
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00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,265
and magic frogs
with funny little hats.
200
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,145
-Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.
-Bart!
201
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,732
We got exactly what we wanted
out of this!
202
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,698
We gave an old man
a second chance.
203
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,569
I promised my boy
one simple thing:
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00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,237
lots of riches
205
00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,195
and that man broke my promise.
206
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,246
Well I've had it!
207
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,658
Bart, take a letter!
208
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,786
Dear Mr. Burns
209
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:47,423
I'm so glad
you enjoyed my son's blood
210
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,723
and your card was just great.
211
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,298
In case you can't tell,
I'm being sarcastic.
212
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,505
You stink!
213
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,506
Could you read that
last part back to me?
214
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,058
-"You stink!"
-(chuckles) Good.
215
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,692
You are a senile,
buck-toothed old mummy
216
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:08,440
with bony girl arms,
and you smell like...
217
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,034
An elephant's butt?
218
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,859
(laughs)
An elephant's butt.
219
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,025
But he's your boss. Do you have to
mail it right this minute?
220
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,025
Yup.
221
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,366
You're still angry, Homer.
Why don't you sleep on it?
222
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:23,002
-Forget it, Marge.
-Please, Homey?
223
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,670
For me?
224
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,339
Oh, all right.
225
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,170
You always do
that hand thing,
226
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,506
and it usually works.
227
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,392
Cheap son of a...
228
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,049
(snoring)
229
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,396
Ooh, pancakes.
230
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,981
Ooh.
231
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,737
Homer, breakfast is ready.
232
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,609
Hmm?
(gags)
233
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,446
Marge, you saved me
234
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,031
from making a big mistake.
235
00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,986
You know, I finally understand
the meaning of...
236
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,158
-(unintelligible)
-Meaning of what?
237
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,616
Better half, Marge.
Better half.
238
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,786
-Oh, thank you.
-Where's the letter?
239
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,585
(whistling)
240
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,299
-Where is it?
-(cans clattering)
241
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,256
Oh...
242
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,426
Homer, I don't think it's
in the cornstarch canister.
243
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,846
Well, it's somewhere.
244
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,944
It didn't just get up
and walk away.
245
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,519
-(whistling)
-Bart, have you seen the letter?
246
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,355
-Yep.
-All right, think very carefully.
247
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:35,531
Where did you see it last?
248
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,531
-The last place I saw it--
-Uh-huh?
249
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,164
-...was in my hand.
-Yeah?
250
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,952
As I was shoving it
251
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,115
into the mailbox.
252
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:46,374
HOMER:
D'oh!
253
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,665
Why did you do that?
254
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:52,459
Dad, there were things in the letter
that had to be said.
255
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,545
And I know you.
You're an emotional guy.
256
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,471
Just because you were mad
last night
257
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,180
is no guarantee
you'd be mad in the morning.
258
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,100
I'll show you mad
in the morning!
259
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,219
Homer, you encouraged him.
260
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,306
You should be strangling
yourself.
261
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,482
She's right.
262
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,522
Okay, think, Homer.
Don't panic.
263
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,015
They don't pick up the mail
till noon.
264
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,687
-There's still time!
-(gasps)
265
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,275
Ow, ow.
266
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,950
Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.
267
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,699
Give it up, Homer.
It's locked up tight.
268
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,661
Locked, eh?
269
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,122
Well, I just might
have a little surprise
270
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,082
up my sleeve
for old Mr. Lock.
271
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,584
Step aside, boy.
272
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,709
Hey!
273
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,086
I'm with you, Homer.
274
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,343
Fight the power!
275
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,764
-Why the hose, Homer?
-What does it look like?
276
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,677
I'll get our letter so wet,
277
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,266
the ink will run, and no one
will be able to read it.
278
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,021
Yeah, but don't other people
have mail in there?
279
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,233
So a few people won't get
a few letters. Boo-hoo.
280
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,105
You know the kind of letters
people write:
281
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,192
"Dear somebody
you never heard of--
282
00:12:58,277 --> 00:12:59,607
"How is so and so?
283
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:00,945
"Blah, blah, blah.
284
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,700
Yours truly, some bozo."
Big loss.
285
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,703
Now, Bart, you keep an eye out
for the mailman.
286
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,036
Just give me some kinda signal.
287
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,921
-Dad, the mailman's here.
-That's a good one. We'll use that.
288
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,458
-No, I mean the mailman's here!
-(screams)
289
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,802
Dear God! Are you planning
to water the mail?
290
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,338
I guess it wouldn't do
any good to run,
291
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:21,512
'cause you're a mail lady and you know
my name and address and everything, huh?
292
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:25,602
-That's right.
-Well, I'm still going to run!
293
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:28,309
I want the whole world
to hear the story
294
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,980
of my harrowing struggle
with hypohemia.
295
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,190
Sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest
ghostwriters in the business.
296
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,231
He's written
Like Hell I Can't,
297
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,775
Up From the Muck,
298
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,318
The Unsinkable
Sadruodin Mahbaradad.
299
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:42,661
-Excellent.
-All right, first question.
300
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:45,198
Have you slept
with anyone famous?
301
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,332
Well, Countess Von Zeppelin
and I...
302
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,949
What in blaze!
303
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:52,206
Now you listen to me,
you bargain-basement Baudelaire.
304
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,079
I'm not some dizzy starlet
305
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,036
who can't string
two words together.
306
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,796
I can write this thing myself!
307
00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,508
You're fired!
308
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,808
(imitating Mr. Burns)
Hello. My name is Mr. Burns.
309
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,308
I believe you have
a letter for me.
310
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:13,021
Okay, Mr. Burns,
what's your first name?
311
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,062
I don't know.
312
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:18,225
Great plan, Bart.
313
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,895
Ooh, look, Maggie.
314
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,194
What is that?
315
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:25,237
Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron.
316
00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:27,742
Lisa, I don't know
what you're doing
317
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,285
but it's very strange, and your father's
trying to worry.
318
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,869
BURNS:
Chapter the fifth--
319
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:36,785
the trip to the infirmary
with most unexpected results.
320
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,839
HOMER: Oops. 28 minutes
till Burns comes in.
321
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,264
Time for operation
"Mail Take."
322
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,137
-Can I help you?
-(shrieks)
323
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,725
Oh, don't be frightened
of this.
324
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:57,440
It's nothing but a letter opener.
Who are you?
325
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,151
Don't tell him.
Give him a fake name.
326
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,771
-Homer Simpson.
-D'oh!
327
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,438
Simpson, huh?
328
00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,986
Simpson, why there's
a letter here from you.
329
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,240
I'll just read it right now.
330
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,783
"Dear Mr. Burns, I'm so glad
you enjoyed my son's blood,
331
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,118
and your card was just great."
332
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:17,833
Why, Simpson,
you've made my day.
333
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,997
You're a true gentleman.
334
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,255
-Well, I'll be on my--
-Hello, there's more.
335
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:27,089
"In case you can't tell,
I'm being sarcastic.
336
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,966
"You stink.
337
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,643
"You are a senile
338
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,601
"buck-toothed old mummy
with bony girl arms,
339
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:37,482
-and you smell like an elephant's butt."
-(nervous chuckle)
340
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,401
Hey! Come on, Joey,
you have to twist my arm?
341
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,151
Homer, I don't tell you how
to do your job, okay?
342
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:47,533
I could crush him like an ant,
but it would be too easy.
343
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,993
No, revenge is a dish
best served cold.
344
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,535
I'll bide my time until...
345
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,579
Oh, what the hell.
346
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,413
I'll just crush him like an ant.
347
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,881
Senile, eh?
Buck-toothed, am I?
348
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,634
Bony arms, are they?
Liver spots, did I?
349
00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,347
-Shameless, will you?
-His pink slip awaits your signature, sir.
350
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,098
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
351
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,930
Now that's odd.
352
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:17,305
I've just robbed a man
of his livelihood,
353
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,983
and yet I feel
strangely empty.
354
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,152
Tell you what, Smithers,
have him beaten to a pulp.
355
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,482
-But, sir--
-But what?
356
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,106
Nothing, sir.
357
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,203
I've never seen
Mr. Burns this mad,
358
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,948
and he's always
kind of mad.
359
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:34,080
-(groans)
-Me and my big letter-writing pen.
360
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,039
Honey, what's done is done.
361
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,210
No matter what happens,
we'll pull through.
362
00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,288
-We always do.
-Okay, here's the plan.
363
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,714
You can move in with your sisters
and raise the kids,
364
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:45,133
and I'll die in a gutter.
365
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,212
It's practical
and within our means.
366
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,427
(sobs)
367
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,968
They always told me I was
going to destroy the family,
368
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,682
but I never believed it.
369
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:54,762
That's okay, Bart.
370
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,137
Nobody really believed it.
371
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,773
We were just trying
to scare you.
372
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,687
-You know Homer Simpson?
-Yeah, nice guy.
373
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,191
Play poker with him
once in awhile.
374
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,153
Mm-hmm.
We, um, need him beaten up.
375
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,694
-You got it.
-Wait.
376
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:11,817
- What is it?
- Uh... nothing.
377
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,365
-Wait.
-What?
378
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,779
Beat, but don't kick.
379
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,868
-Hold the kicks. Got it.
-Wait.
380
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:21,213
-What?
-Um...
381
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,040
What did Homey do, anyway?
382
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,875
(sobbing)
He saved Mr. Burns's life.
383
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,803
(thunder rumbling)
384
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,972
In closing, gentle reader,
I'd like to thank you.
385
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,932
What's that you say?
386
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,262
Me thanking you?
387
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,346
No, it's not a misprint.
388
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,522
For you see,
I enjoyed writing this book
389
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,902
as much as you
enjoyed reading it.
390
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,399
The End.
391
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,152
Ah, Smithers,
how did the beating go?
392
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,784
Sir, there was no beating.
393
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,071
What? Well that's a hell
of a thing. Why?
394
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,275
-Because I-- I called it off.
-Judas!
395
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,576
I'm sorry, sir, but I just
couldn't hurt Homer Simpson.
396
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,461
-He saved your life.
-I see.
397
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:03,118
I know you're mad at me,
398
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,957
but I think it's only fair
to warn you,
399
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,922
I'm going to stand outside
the gate until you forgive me.
400
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,882
No need, Smithers.
401
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,092
As usual,
you've been the sober ying
402
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,053
to my raging yang.
403
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:18,064
-Put her there, old pal.
-(sniffles)
404
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,388
(sniffling) Sir, while I wish
this handshake would never end,
405
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,976
I'm afraid we still have
the Simpson matter to attend to.
406
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,523
We do indeed, old friend.
407
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,436
We do, indeed.
408
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,606
MOE: Moe's Tavern,
where the elite meet to drink.
409
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,204
BART: Uh, yeah.
Hello, is Mike there?
410
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,779
Last name Rotch.
411
00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,164
Hold on, I'll check.
412
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,831
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch?
413
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,830
Hey, has anybody seen
Mike Rotch lately?
414
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,252
(laughing)
415
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,540
Listen to me, you little puke.
416
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,754
One of these days
I'm going to catch you,
417
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,045
and I'm gonna carve my name
on your back with an ice pick!
418
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,049
(laughing)
419
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,470
What's the matter, Homer?
420
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,340
You're not your normal
effervescent self.
421
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,846
I've got my problems, Moe.
Give me another one.
422
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,809
Homer, hey, you should not drink
to forget your problems.
423
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:06,100
Yeah, you should always drink to
enhance your social skills. (burping)
424
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,226
BURNS: We'll get the Simpsons
a present--
425
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,113
an extravagant present.
426
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:13,570
A mad, unthinkable,
utterly impossible present.
427
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,202
A frabulous, grabulous,
zip-zoop zabulous present.
428
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,241
Too practical.
429
00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,704
Too cutesie-poo.
430
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,748
-♪♪
-Too cornball.
431
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,843
A pool table?
Are you mad?
432
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,959
I'm not going to turn
his home into a saloon.
433
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,506
Eureka! We've found it.
434
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,551
But, sir, it's $32,000.
435
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:41,854
Don't you dare sully this moment
with your price taggery.
436
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,140
It's perfect.
437
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,853
Oh, woe is me.
438
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:48,774
Oh, my, it's Mr. Burns.
439
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,234
(yelps)
440
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,274
Heave-ho, heave-ho.
441
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,817
-Heave-ho.
-Wait, Dad, he's smiling.
442
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,283
Mr. Burns,
you brought us a present.
443
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,334
What did you think
I was going to do,
444
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:05,118
-have you beaten to a bloody pulp?
-(chuckles)
445
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,874
To show there's
no hard feelings,
446
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,705
please take an advance copy
of my book.
447
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,745
And now young fellow,
I haven't forgotten you.
448
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,167
-Here.
-Wow! A crowbar.
449
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:19,126
It's to open the crate, stupid.
450
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,888
What did I tell you?
451
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,060
I'll bet it's filled with diamonds,
rubies, sapphires, pearls.
452
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,232
BART:
Wow!
453
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,190
-A big, ugly head.
-D'oh!
454
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:33,690
Actually, son, it's a big,
ugly, Olmec Indian head.
455
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,034
It was carved by Mesoamerican
Indians over 3,000 years ago.
456
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,950
This gruesome customer
457
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,319
is Ixtapolapoquetl--
the god of war.
458
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,236
Awesome!
459
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,905
No, Maggie, not Aztec.
460
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,583
Olmec. Olmec.
461
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:48,713
Marge, what does it do?
462
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:49,919
It doesn't do anything.
463
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,078
Marge, really,
what does it do?
464
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,377
Whatever it does,
it's doing it now.
465
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,381
Well, I'll let you
get acquainted
466
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,173
with Señor Ixtapolapoquetl.
467
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,507
Ta!
468
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,931
Did you see their faces,
Smithers?
469
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,719
Sir, you're my god
of generosity.
470
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,394
HOMER: Save a guy's life
and what do you get?
471
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,643
Nothing. Worse than nothing--
472
00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,136
Just a big, scary rock.
473
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,268
Hey, man,
don't badmouth the head.
474
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,145
Homer, it's the thought
that counts.
475
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,822
The moral of this story is,
476
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,070
a good deed is
its own reward.
477
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:22,242
Hey, we got a reward.
The head is cool.
478
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:25,832
Well, then I guess the moral is:
no good deed goes unrewarded.
479
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:29,159
Wait a minute!
If I hadn't written that nasty letter
480
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,746
we wouldn't have
gotten anything.
481
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,172
Well, then I guess
the moral is:
482
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,841
the squeaky wheel
gets the grease.
483
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,130
Perhaps there is
no moral to this story.
484
00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:40,804
Exactly.
485
00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:42,842
It's just a bunch of stuff
that happened.
486
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,346
But it certainly was
a memorable few days.
487
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,929
HOMER:
Amen to that.
488
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,724
(all laughing)
489
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,348
{\an8}♪♪
490
00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:55,079
Shh!
491
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,382
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.