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The Simpsons
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D'oh!
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Good news, children.
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This Friday, we'll be holding
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a school-wide medieval festival.
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Medieval?
Like Lord of the Rings?
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No. Not at all.
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Can't we just keep going
forward in our textbooks?
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No! Now I've already assigned each
of you a role in the medieval court.
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Martin, you shall be our king.
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I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand
the Seventh, Sire de Coucy!
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Tralloo trallay!
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Not so fast, Nelson.
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You're one of King Martin's guards.
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Ha ha!
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You'll pay for this!
My Liege.
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What am I gonna be? Black Knight?
Court Ninja? Bart the Impaler!
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Bart, you'll be
playing the village cooper.
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What kind of a knight is that?
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The kind of knight that makes
barrels and isn't a knight. Ha!
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Ay, caramba!
Well, this stinks.
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But I bet Lisa got
something even stupider.
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Hmm?
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All hail the Queen!
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Now, as queen,
you shall be entitled
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to eat the same French fries
the teachers do.
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The ones made from potatoes?
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The very same.
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My coat of arms is a Spiderman
couchant on a field vert.
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What's "couchant" mean?
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Lying down.
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You mean like you?
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Now what does "vert" mean?
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Say it means punching.
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Oh, Willie,
during the festival,
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you'll be wearing these
urine-soaked rags.
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You're the village idiot.
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Now, allow me to apply this
rubber cement to your face
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to represent the ravages of plague.
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Ach! My face!
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What drunken call girl
will have me now? Oh!
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Now, peasants,
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since the Middle Ages
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had no compact disks
or Super Mario men,
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people found entertainment
in abusing the village idiot.
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So let history come alive.
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Yeah!
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Wait! Let me take out
my contact lenses!
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Pelt all you want.
But revenge will be Willie's!
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That was a stapler!
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Dragon in the dungeon
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Maiden in my lair
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There's potions in my Wizard's pot
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Now drink it if you dare
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Lute solo!
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Yeah!
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Cooper! More pink lemon-ale!
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Cooper, thy staves are not flush.
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Whoa!
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You'll pay for this,
my queen.
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Guards, take him to the tower!
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Where is the tower?
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It's the backseat of my Merkur.
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There's 37 cents in the coin caddy
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and stay out of my diary!
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Quiet, my pretties.
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Soon, we'll have revenge
on those who mocked me!
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Also on those who were kind to me.
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And on the parents who took
time from their busy schedules
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to make today such a success.
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Oh, I hate them all!
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Noble idiot,
bring in the pie!
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I dedicate this pie to the
backbone of the feudal system.
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The serfs!
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Scary McBeasties, nibble and
gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks!
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Milhouse, don't open your mouth!
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Whoa!
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This is no accident.
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Nice party, dink.
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You're responsible for this, Simpson.
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No way!
I didn't do it!
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Unlike all the other stuff I told
you I didn't do which I did.
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Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool!
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You are hereby expelled
from Springfield Elementary!
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Boy, I can't believe you got expelled!
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Well, don't expect to spend all week
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lying around on the couch like a bum!
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'Cause that's my thing!
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Bart, a school-sponsored
medieval festival
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is supposed to be the best
day of a young girl's life.
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And you ruined it!
You deserved to be expelled!
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I didn't do it!
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Mom, you believe me,
don't you?
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Bart, I love you.
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But sometimes I don't love your choices.
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Now we have to find
another school for you.
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And if you get kicked out of that one,
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you're going straight in the army
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where you'll be sent straight to
America's latest military quagmire.
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Where will it be?
North Korea, Iran?
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Anything's possible with Commander
Cuckoo Bananas in charge!
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Bart, this could be a good new school.
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Oakwood Academy! Huh?
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Mom, that's a school for the blind.
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Think of the leg up you'd have.
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How can we afford any
of these private schools?
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They're all so expensive.
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If we want to throw
good money after bad,
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why don't we just get Grampa
that new pacemaker?
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I need two double-A batteries, now!
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Get 'em from the smoke detector.
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What if there's a fire?
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The smoke will wake us up.
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How about this one?
St. Jerome's Catholic School.
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Catholic schools are usually the
most affordable private schools.
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Catholic school, eh?
That'll straighten you out, boy.
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There you don't just get bad grades,
you go to hell!
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Oh! Oh, no!
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My pacemaker!
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Classic Grampa!
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Class, we have a new student.
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Bart, would you like
to introduce yourself?
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Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. Ay, caramba.
Do the Bartman, et cetera, et cetera.
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In the old days,
we'd use a ruler
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to deal with incorrigibles like you.
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Thanks for the history lesson, Sis.
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These days,
we use a yardstick!
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I'll show you.
I'll move 33 inches away.
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A yard's 36!
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Now you tell me.
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I don't know what they
taught you in public school.
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But at St. Jerome's,
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we don't tolerate back sass.
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Stretch out your arms
like our Lord on the cross.
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Now hold these dictionaries.
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Now think what it would be like
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if you had nails in your hands.
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Well, I guess they'd help me
hold the dictionaries up.
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Wrong answer!
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Stupid Catholic school.
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Suffering from my hip attitude.
I'm the real Jesus here.
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So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' now.
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What's it to you, Irish?
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My name's Father Sean.
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And I used to be
an ornery wee cuss myself.
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Until one day after a
drunken brawl with me dad...
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You're just like your mother!
Can't take a punch!
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I was laying in the gutter
picking up my teeth
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when Saint Peter himself
appears before me.
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Sean, you wanker...
He says.
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Repent of your wicked
ways or sod off.
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Then he gobbed in my face and
turned back into a streetlight.
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And that's how I came to the Church.
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Well, I'm only here because I got
blamed for a prank I didn't do!
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Mmm-hmm.
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Call me crazy,
but I believe you.
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You do?
Of course I do.
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You know, lots of church types
started off as rotten wee buggers.
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St. Augustine himself
got his start stealing pears.
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Stealing pairs of what?
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Hubcaps, Reeboks,
human eyes?
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It's all in here.
See for yourself.
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Cool!
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Sister Thomasina,
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I've taken the liberty of
knocking the vinegar out of him.
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He's all yours.
Yeah, whatever.
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Now, class,
open your math books
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to the word problems of our Lord.
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"Billy and Joseph start their
penance at the same time.
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"If each swear word
brings 1,000 years in hell..."
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"Saint Sebastian was
a pious Roman soldier.
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"For preaching Christianity
to the Romans,
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"the Emperor Diocletian sentenced
him to death by hail of arrows."
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Now it's payback time!
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I wish I'd gone to more orgies.
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Wow! This stuff is great!
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It's way better than the
comics I get at the dentist!
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Then Father Sean quoted
Eminem in his sermon.
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And in art class, we painted
Saint Joan burning at the stake.
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And mine was the grossest.
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Catholics rock!
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Bart, I'm glad you had fun.
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But I wouldn't get too
into that Catholic church
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with all the sitting
and standing and kneeling.
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It's like Simon Says without a winner.
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Mom, that's blasphemy.
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I'll say a rosary for you.
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Don't you touch bead one!
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Homer, maybe
we should be concerned.
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Catholics can be a peculiar bunch.
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No birth control,
no meat on Friday.
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No meat? What do they eat?
Light bulbs?
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Let's just change the subject.
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Bart, would you like to say grace?
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Yes'm.
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In nomine Patris
et fillii et Spiritus Sancti.
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Bart, what the hell are you saying?
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That's Latin, Dad.
The language of Plutarch.
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Mickey Mouse's dog?
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No. Plutarch!
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He chronicled the lives
of the Roman emperors.
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Oh! I didn't need
that new fact!
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Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII.
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Boy, I'm pulling you
out of that crazy school!
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Hey!
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I'm Bart Simpson's father.
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And I'm sick of you teaching my
son your time-tested values.
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Hey, what's that smell?
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We're having our monthly
pancake dinner. Care to join us?
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You've transformed
breakfast into dinner.
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It's a miracle!
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Log Cabin, full of taste,
my stomach is with thee.
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Blessed art thou among syrups.
And bless...
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No praying to the condiments!
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Que buenos cake-os de pan-o!
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Oh, boy!
Oh, yeah! Good!
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Um...
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All pancakes aside, I really
came here to talk about my son.
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I understand.
But can it wait until after Bingo?
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Bingo?
That's my favorite game.
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I just can't remember what
to yell out when you win.
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"Bingo."
That's my favorite game.
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I just can't remember what
to yell out when you win.
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Oh! How about you just say,
"Yay, I won!"
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Bingo!
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I've never seen such
masterful Bingo playing.
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What's your secret, Homer?
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You have to cheat!
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Uh, listen.
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Is it true you priest guys can't ever...
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You know...
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I'll admit,
the vow of celibacy
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is one of our sterner challenges.
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Celibacy? I was talking about
the meat on Friday thing!
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Man, you guys got more crazy
rules than Blockbuster Video!
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Well, that's true.
But if you do break a rule,
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you can always find absolution
in the sacrament of confession.
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Wait, wait, wait.
No matter what I did,
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no matter how many people lost
their pensions, it's forgiven like that?
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If you truly repent,
then yes.
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Okay! Let's make
some magic here.
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I wiped a booger on your shirt.
I made a dog and a cat kiss.
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I swiped a bolted down TV
from a Holiday Inn,
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I coveted the wife in Jaws 2,
I lied to a waiter,
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I masturbated eight billion times,
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and I have no plans to stop
masturbating in the future.
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Whoo-hoo! I'm clean!
In your face, Lord!
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00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,809
Um, not quite,
Mr. Simpson.
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I can only absolve you
if you're a Catholic.
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Right.
And how do I join?
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Do I whale on some Unitarians?
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00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,563
Well, it's a little harder than that.
253
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,007
It begins by looking inside yourself.
254
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,565
But it ends with
255
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,165
bread and wine.
Whoo-hoo!
256
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,768
Homer, you've been out all night.
257
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,281
And you look like
you've accepted someone
258
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,362
as your personal something.
259
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,130
Were you at that Catholic church?
260
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,010
Look, Marge. I know I was
supposed to yell at that priest.
261
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,161
But he's so cool!
262
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,447
He plays drums in a band
with a bunch of other priests!
263
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,927
I knew they'd try to convert you!
264
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,604
That's what they do!
265
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,802
Well, I'm not having another 12 kids!
266
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:52,841
Marge, no one is saying 12.
Nine, 10, tops. See?
267
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,766
Forget it!
268
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,684
And you know, I went to
a Catholic wedding once.
269
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,525
The incense ruined my pantsuit!
270
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,966
Marge, relax.
271
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,725
I never heard of anyone
getting so upset about religion.
272
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,286
Marge is here all alone.
273
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,443
I heard her son is Catholic now.
Her husband, too.
274
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,483
Marge, all by yourself today?
275
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,530
Well, Homer and Bart are...
276
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,965
Well, they're under the weather.
277
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,371
Mmm-hmm.
Under the weather?
278
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,886
Or under the spell of a man
in a pointy white hat?
279
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,123
All right. I admit it!
They're both at the Catholic church!
280
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,565
Reverend, what should I do?
281
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,404
Marge, this calls for
an emergency meeting
282
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,811
of the church's spiritual council.
283
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,081
To Stuckey's!
284
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,845
Bart and Homer can't go Catholic.
285
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,160
Romans have been separate from us
286
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,163
since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573.
287
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,765
And that was about our holy right
288
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,251
to come to church with wet hair!
289
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,890
Which we've since abolished.
290
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,931
I guess it's good that they're
taking an interest in spirituality.
291
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,484
Oh, spirituality's great, Marge.
Hey, I'm Mr. Spiritual.
292
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,168
But remember, a different faith
means a different afterlife.
293
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,321
Hmm...
294
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,925
Marge Simpson,
welcome to Protestant Heaven.
295
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,888
Through in one?
Hurrah.
296
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,450
Poppy, have you seen Dash?
297
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,284
Where's Homer and Bart?
298
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,731
Wow!
Up here, that feels good!
299
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,242
Now dance,
you heavenly gobs!
300
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,331
Oh, I wish my family was with me.
301
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,767
Sorry, Marge.
They're just not our sort.
302
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,081
Well, then I'd like to speak with Jesus.
303
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,730
I'm afraid he's gone native.
304
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,606
Whoa! Stop it!
305
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,205
Guys, I'm serious!
306
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,370
No!
307
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,365
Don't worry, Marge.
We'll get your boy back.
308
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,320
Excuse me.
That better be decaf.
309
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,765
The rim is orange,
ain't it?
310
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,207
Or does under-tipping
make you color blind?
311
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,290
Her husband's
sleeping with her sister.
312
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,646
Who said that?
313
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,047
So now what do we call it
when the communion wafer
becomes the body of Christ?
314
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,411
Hey!
Yes, Homer?
315
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,641
Transubstantiation.
316
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:50,807
Very good.
317
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,531
He cheated.
He's got it written on his arm.
318
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,249
Welcome to the jungle, Kevin!
319
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,763
First communion?
320
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,410
Oh, we've gotta stop 'em now!
321
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,767
Once they seal the deal,
there's no turning back!
322
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,842
Just like the Jews
with their snippety-snip.
323
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,366
Bart, get your things!
You're leaving with me!
324
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,642
Sorry, Mom. But this
is a Catholic church.
325
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,210
Chicks don't have any authority here.
326
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,921
Mrs. Simpson, please. If there's a
problem, I'm sure we can talk it over.
327
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,804
Back off,
Pope-y LaPew!
328
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,723
Marge, what are you doing here?
329
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,320
Homer, you're physically an adult.
330
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,971
And what you do in the
privacy of your own soul
331
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,041
is your business.
332
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,169
But I didn't change Bart's
diapers for five years
333
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,890
to see him become a Catholic!
334
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,963
I thought there was a
monster in the potty.
335
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,804
Let's go!
336
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,931
I think we've lost them.
337
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,525
They weren't following us.
338
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,762
Then why did I drive
through that barn?
339
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,441
Oh! Why did you guys
have to take me away?
340
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,090
You're always nagging me
to go to church.
341
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,168
And now that I am,
it's the wrong one.
342
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,681
I just don't think your
father's the right person
343
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,489
to pick out a religion for you.
344
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,410
Okay. I'll pick a religion for me.
Judaism.
345
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,364
Don't have a cow, man
346
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,125
Don't have a cow, man
Don't have a cow, man
347
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,805
Have a piece of fish Oy!
348
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,322
Bart, we're here to bring you
back to the one true faith,
349
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,644
the Western Branch of American
Reform Presbylutheranism.
350
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,241
Hello, Homer.
351
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,924
Marge, you bring Bart home now!
352
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,480
Once you go Vatican,
you can't go back again!
353
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,931
It wasn't a fair fight!
354
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,731
Your church suckered
him in with gory stories!
355
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,451
Just like we were suckered
into getting Cinemax!
356
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,489
Face it, Marge.
Catholics rule.
357
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,370
We got Boston, South America,
the good part of Ireland,
358
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,284
and we're making serious
inroads in Mozambique, baby!
359
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,722
Well, I'm gonna show Bart that
Protestants can be hip, too.
360
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,167
How do you like those croutons?
361
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,371
Oh! Why does that woman thwart
my sporadic interest in my children?
362
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,410
Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose
our own religion if we want to?
363
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,648
Strange as it sounds, Dad,
I agree with you.
364
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,767
Huh?
365
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,002
Everyone should be able
to choose their faith.
366
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,684
Just like I chose Buddhism.
367
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,250
Buddhism?
368
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,491
VVell, I guess lots of kids have
imaginary friends.
369
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,846
I'll ignore that.
370
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,769
In fact,
I'm gonna help you.
371
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,161
I have a pretty good idea
where they are.
372
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,089
We can't lose Bart
now that we're so close.
373
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,885
If I do, I'll be
the worst priest ever.
374
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,803
Well, except for, you know...
375
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,121
Ahem!
376
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,801
Now, Bart, isn't this
the kind of religion
377
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,645
you'd like to be a part
of for all eternity?
378
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,042
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
379
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,361
hot off their conversion
to Christianity,
380
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,571
the band once known
as Quiet Riot, Pious Riot!
381
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,811
Come on, feel the Lord
382
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,965
Heaven's your reward
383
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,328
We'll get saved, saved, saved
384
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,690
What's wrong, Bart?
You love youth culture.
385
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,444
Mom, a religion isn't cool
386
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,763
just because they've
glommed onto some crappy
rock band from the 1940s.
387
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,486
Hey, we've played more
state fairs than The Beatles!
388
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,766
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
389
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,604
You just don't get it.
390
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,002
I've made a sacred commitment
to the Catholic Church and...
391
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,929
Paintball! Awesome!
392
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,170
Die! Die! Die!
393
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,611
Oh, Bart, I knew one of these
dumb things would work.
394
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:36,926
Mmm.
395
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,204
My hive!
My trademark hive!
396
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,444
Hop in, boy.
We'll show your mother
397
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,249
our God kicks her God's butt.
398
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,051
Back off,
you servants of the Holy See!
399
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,129
Easy on the zeal, church-os.
400
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,123
I've got something to say.
401
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,651
Don't you get it?
402
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,127
It's all Christianity, people.
403
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,681
The little stupid
differences are nothing
404
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,047
next to the big stupid similarities!
405
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,282
He's right!
Can't we all get together
406
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,169
and concentrate on our real enemies?
407
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,811
Monogamous gays and stem cells?
408
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,360
Well said, mate.
Put 'er there.
409
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,170
My pleasure.
410
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,244
Note to self,
have hand re-blessed.
411
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,971
Bart, you've taught us all
an important lesson.
412
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,484
We Christians have been niggling
over details for far too long.
413
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,006
Amen. And I hope that
from this day forward,
414
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,642
we all learn to take Bart's message of
tolerance and understanding to heart.
415
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,644
We believe that God's last prophet,
Bart Simpson,
416
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,764
preached a message
of tolerance and love.
417
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,682
We believe the holy Bartman
preached a message of
understanding and peace
418
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,924
before he was betrayed
by his follower, Milhouse,
419
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,164
and pulled apart by
snowmobiles until he died.
420
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,050
Eat my shorts!
421
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,650
Cowabunga!