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The Simpsons
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D'oh!
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Something's coming,
Sarge. Something big!
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Stay strong, men.
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The United States is due
to win a war sometime.
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Oh, good Lord!
It a Swingline!
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Medic!
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Skinner!
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Yes, Superintendent Chalmers?
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Do you know what today is?
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Today? Yes,
of course I do!
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Happy birthday to you, happy...
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It not my birthday, Seymour.
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You know I'm a Sagittarius.
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Really? I'm a Libra.
There's a lot of compatibility there.
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Skinner, be gay on your own time.
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Today is the day we choose
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who gets the school's
vending machine contract.
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I anticipate quite the
dog and pony show.
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Sir, this school has a
strict no-animal policy.
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I assume these are
hypothetical dogs and poni?
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Y'arr, everyone likes
a gumball machine.
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So why not
a gumbo machine? Y'arr...
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Does your school nurse treat burns?
Nope.
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It couldn't be simpler.
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Kids write down what they want,
put their money in the can,
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and I take the bus to the supermarket
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and bring the snacks the next day.
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Huh?
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Is that a yes?
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Kids want a snack that skateboards,
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won't clean his room,
and hates homework.
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That's why we created Scarf-ables
by Scammer and Z-Dog!
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These two spokes-rebels
were invented
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by the marketing team that
came up with Hip-Hopsicles,
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the urban Popsicle.
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Yes. I saw those when my normal
grocery store was on strike.
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Well, here's what
really seals the deal.
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Yo, yo, yo!
Slide your green into the machine.
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And don't expect any change, dawg.
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It's like a fundraising school bake
sale with slang as the Saran Wrap.
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And a subsonic neuro-jammer
disrupts the child's judgment center.
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Fair enough.
I assume these snacks are nutritious?
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That's really none of our business.
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The bottom line is, half the
profits go to your school or camp.
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You heard the lady.
Just sign the damn contract.
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Yo.
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Wow!
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They sound like my kind of snacks.
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On.
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Oh, my God!
Look at these ingredients!
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"Hydrogenated petroleum oil,
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"monosodium poisonate,
partially de-weaponized plutonium"?
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Attention, duped masses!
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These new vending machine
snacks are crammed with
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processed sugar, industrial
by-products, and trans-fatty acids!
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Don't flavor hate.
Participate.
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Machine makes a good point.
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Don't be a follower!
Be a snack-swallower!
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It's fun to obey the machine.
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Mmm. Mmm.
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Mmm.
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Way to go, dude.
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You're 5 cents away from an
awesome beverage or snack.
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Oh, I'm out of money!
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Willie! You want to
buy my skateboard?
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Hey, Why not?
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For once, it'll be
all eyes on Willie!
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Look at me!
I'm an American boy!
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Uh-oh! Stairway!
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Hey, I'm getting the...
No, I'm not!
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Hey, okay, I'm all right.
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No, I spoke too soon!
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Ah, that's better.
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What are you looking at,
you bastards?
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Bart, I spent all afternoon
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stuffing tuna fish into that steak.
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Have some.
No, thanks.
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The vending machines
at school feed me now.
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Oh, so I've been
replaced by a machine?
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Marge, no machine could ever replace you.
Why, you're the...
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Or could it?
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Oh, Margebot,
I'm ready for some loving.
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Oh, why did I give her a gun?
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But I repeat, no one is being
replaced by a machine...
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Until all the kinks are worked out.
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Well, until that day,
I'm still Bart's mother,
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and I don't like him
stuffing himself with junk.
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Oh, fine.
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Yummy, yummy, yummy
I got love in my tummy
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And I feel like a loving you
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Love, you're such a sweet thing
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Good enough to eat thing
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And that's just what I'm gonna do
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Ooh, love to hold ya
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Ooh, love to kiss ya
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Ooh, love, I love it so
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Be careful!
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My heart!
It hurts so much!
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Like it's caught in a vise!
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My little boy's in love.
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I think he's having a heart attack!
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Come on, son!
You can fight this!
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Do the Bartman!
Do the Bartman!
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Why don't you dance?
Dance!
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Doctor, little kids aren't
supposed to have heart attacks.
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They're supposed to skin their knees,
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and poke their eyes out,
and be smothered by cats.
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Well, Bart had a heart attack,
and it's his own damn fault!
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These dark spots in his pulmonary
arteries are malted milk balls.
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His liver looks healthy.
Mmm-hmm.
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That a wad of Laffy Taffy.
Oh!
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Now when Bart goes home,
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he gonna have to follow a program
of strict diet and exercise.
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Damn it, I will not
bury another patient!
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Doctor, you're a pediatrician!
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Yeah. But my head's been
somewhere else this year.
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Oh!
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Yes. Mmm-hmm.
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Yup. Mmm-hmm.
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Okay. We'll start with
a routine stress test.
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Bart, how can you laugh at that?
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You just had a heart attack!
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Yeah, but what does not kill me,
makes me stronger.
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Wow!
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That was a lot of words.
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I need some energy.
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Hey, hey, kids.
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Heart disease can strike anyone,
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including heavy-drinking,
chain-smoking clowns!
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That why I had the
doctor install a zipper!
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Up, down, up, down. Huh?
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Ah! The zipper's stuck!
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Oh, I should've gone
with the button fly.
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I talked to Dr. Hibbert today.
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He gave me a list
of heart-smart foods.
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“Gotta-hay cheese“?
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Cottage cheese!
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Yuck! From the looks of it,
this cheese has already been eaten.
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Oh, honey, please
take this seriously.
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When people used to ask
me how you were doing,
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I said, "At least
he's got his health."
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Now you've got nothing!
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Okay, Mom.
For you, I'll try.
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Okay. Now we know you're
allergic to cauliflower.
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But I made a special platter of
vegetables that are good for you.
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It graffiti you can eatie.
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You get better, son.
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Meanwhile, the rest of us
will be going to the library.
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Where are you really going?
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Milkshake festival.
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Look! You can see
the booths from your window!
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Hmm?
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Today only.
Free milkshakes for 10-year-old boys!
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Drink your own weight in milkshakes,
and win a milkshake.
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I'd better tell Dad.
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Lisa, take a picture of me
with all the milkshakes!
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All right, everybody,
get in there. Okay, we all in?
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Hurry! They're melting!
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Mmm. Maybe
Mom's the way to go.
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Intervention!
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What, the family?
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Uh, son, we're here
to help with your, uh...
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Which addictadiddilydiction
are we going after here?
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Overeating. And if there's time,
we'll get to my drinking.
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But there won't be time.
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I'm telling you, Bart.
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One vice leads to another.
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And then you'll wind up like me.
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So jaded the only
thing that gets you off
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is freebasing ground-up moon rocks.
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All this does is get me to normal.
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Thank you, Krusty.
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Once again,
you've delivered
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an important message
wrapped in entertainment.
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And I'm so touched that all of
you would take the time to...
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Eat my shorts, lame-os!
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Oh!
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Help! Kidnappers!
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They're not kidnappers.
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They're professionally
trained child-snatchers
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Who are taking you to a
maximum-security fat camp.
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I'm not fat!
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Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
I'm facility director Tab Spangler.
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United States Marine Corps, retired,
but not tired!
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Guess how old I am?
Come on. Take a guess.
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Forty-seven?
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I hate when they're over.
Even on-the-nose hurts!
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Wow! He's just the kind
of weirdo Bart needs.
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Mr. and Mrs. Simpson,
your boy's gonna need one thing.
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Don't you mean "tough love"?
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Tough love.
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Of course!
This has never made sense!
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The sign shop guy lied.
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Stanley, you didn't question the
word "luck"? Now look what we got!
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Thanks for the correction.
That's part of the honesty.
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Son, I just want to leave
you with a piece of advice.
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Become emotionally dead.
Leave your body.
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Make lots of friends!
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Wake up, fatties!
Stop dreaming about butter!
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Dreamed calories are real calories!
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All right, here's how
this exercise works.
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You tow me around the track.
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As we gather speed,
I whip you gently,
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you state your name and tell
me how you got so heavy.
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00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,927
Kent Brockman,
Channel 6 News.
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00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,844
I gorge on kettle corn
during the sports and weather.
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00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:31,005
We know. Your side fat's starting
to spill over to Channel 5 and 7.
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I hope you're getting three paychecks.
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Bart Simpson.
I'm just big-boned.
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No such thing.
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Growth spurt?
Doesn't exist.
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00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:39,961
This can't be legal!
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It's legal enough!
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Jimminy Kimmel!
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Look how much they're
charging for Bart's treatment.
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That freeloading fatso!
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Marge, could you cut back
on your makeup budget?
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I already use crayons for lipstick
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00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,961
and fireplace soot for eyeliner.
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00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,889
So that's where my soot went!
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This fat camp can save Bart's life!
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00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,371
We have to find a way to pay for it.
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00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,649
Homer, maybe you could
ask Mr. Burns for a raise.
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Even better,
I'll ask him for my job back.
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I know how we can raise money.
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Youth? I hate them!
Secondly...
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How much is costed
for stay night of one?
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How much is got,
Wolfgang Schmuck?
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Let's see here.
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I can offer you $50 a week.
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$50?
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What about all the water
you guys will waste
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with your bathing, and showering,
and washing your clothes?
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Yeah, we don't, uh...
It's not a problem.
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All right, try this.
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As you scoop your ice cream
into the trash, tell it you hate it!
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Talk to it! "You think
I look like what?"
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What's the vanilla saying?
"No, I'm not that old!"
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Come on, talk!
Let's hear you!
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Here's the scoop,
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your haagen days are over.
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I'm baskin' in your pain,
as I'm robbin' you of life.
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00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:07,881
Bart!
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00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,962
Son, I'm gonna tell you a story
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about a young man who
came here and failed.
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00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,171
Well, that is the story.
I shouldn't call a sentence a story.
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Anyway, it's you!
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
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Now let me get that ice
cream off your shoe.
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00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,644
Young man,
there's something I have to show you.
251
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,087
In one hour.
We have to drive there.
252
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,845
No talking on the way.
It'll hurt the drama.
253
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,570
Can I just... Shh. Drama.
254
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,208
German backpackers?
255
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,688
You see, son, every family
has to make extra income
256
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,240
when they send a child like
you to a place like mine!
257
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,010
You're lucky this is just a youth hostel.
258
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,560
We had one family who
had to take in dry-cleaning.
259
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,324
The chemicals killed their dog!
260
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,084
Well, that's what they
told us in the lawsuit.
261
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,010
I don't see a dog living
past 14 anyway, do you?
262
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,409
They can't see or hear us, right?
263
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,609
We're not the Ghost of Christmas
Past, Bart. They can see us.
264
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,160
If I were invisible,
you think I'd waste my time
265
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,288
with this belt-shirt combination?
266
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:13,840
Excuse me. We're looking
for Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.
267
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,490
I'm sorry to say this is their son.
268
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:19,241
Oh! So he's the
strudel-sucking globbenheimer
269
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:22,369
who has bankrupted them
with his expensive treatments.
270
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,044
"Strudel-sucking globbenheimer."
271
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:25,281
You need to think about that.
272
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,488
That's what the human
race thinks of you.
273
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:33,644
Problem number 35 with America,
no universal health care.
274
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,961
Number 36, no metric system.
275
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:40,204
What is this?
The time of Charlemagne?
Answer me! Answer me now!
276
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,645
Oh, my God.
277
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,485
Come on.
Lefslook for your dad.
278
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,006
And if we have some time,
maybe we'll look for mine.
279
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,084
Guten Abend, my brave
Bavarian overlords.
280
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,083
The best wurst in town.
281
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:59,085
Here is your tip, Baldylocks.
If you want it, dance und sing.
282
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,327
Oh!
283
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,207
More! More!
284
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,527
They want a second verse.
Hope he knows it.
285
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,249
This is all my fault.
286
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,926
I'll never eat junk
food again. I swear!
287
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,407
Good for you.
That's what I want to hear.
288
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,608
It's time to take action.
I'll meet you later, son.
289
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:44,089
I'm gonna get the car washed
and try to meet somebody.
290
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,649
Dude, you've changed.
291
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,771
Yo, I'm gonna cap a pop in your ass.
292
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,401
Huh!
293
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,761
I'm ending your vending, dawg.
294
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,601
Bart, what are you doing here?
295
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,121
I've learned my lesson.
296
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,885
Mr. Spangler showed me the true
cost of my junk food addiction.
297
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,644
But you're still fat.
298
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,042
Not for long! I'm saying goodbye
to Scammer and Z-Dog.
299
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:39,647
I've learned that even made-up
corporate shills can lie to you.
300
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,883
Did you hear that,
Foxy the Fox Network Fox?
301
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,691
When I raged against the machine,
money poured out.
302
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:46,761
Oh, boy!
303
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,128
Marge, I know this is ill-gotten,
but can we use it to...
304
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,443
To give these Germans
das Boot? Jawohl!
305
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,087
Uh, please to have new
face cloth, schnell.
306
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,811
Time to take out the Eurotrash!
307
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,203
Oh, no! Who will put up
with our nonsense now?
308
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,363
To Disneyland, where we will
heap the scorn on Goofy!
309
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,681
Now everything's perfect again.
310
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:17,922
Excuse me.
I think I left my belt here.
311
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,001
No, you didn't.
312
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,481
Don't tell me I didn't.
That's my lucky belt!
313
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,884
Long story. Good one.
314
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,246
Folks, you have three weeks left
315
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,164
on a nonrefundable
weight-loss treatment.
316
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,164
So if anybody else in the family
wants to use it, use it now.
317
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,004
But who else needs to lose weight?
318
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,165
Maggie? Grampa?
My seldom seen half-brother, Herb?
319
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,442
Why is everyone looking at me?
320
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,929
I am not too fat.
I'm alive, aren't I?
321
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,048
Mr. Simpson,
you're suffering from PSI.
322
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,731
Poor self-esteem.
323
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:49,847
It's not "I"!
324
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,729
Every sign is wrong!
325
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,086
Oh, that's terrible.
326
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,045
We got a long drive ahead.
327
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,930
You want to pull off at a motel?
We'll split a room.
328
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,525
Where will I sleep?
329
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,763
We can worry about that when we're
standing naked before the bed.
330
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,491
My goodness!
No wonder you eat!
331
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,449
- What are you eating now?
- Cheeseburger.
332
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,126
You're a catastrophe.
Let me have half of it.
333
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,201
I don't wanna.
334
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,170
I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat.
I do want the meat!
335
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,969
- Here's a corner.
- Let me just bite it.
336
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,041
Don't rip it!
337
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,963
Let me have the whole thing!
You'll get some later!
338
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,201
You're a selfish jerk!
339
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,282
I've smelled it.
It has to be eaten.
340
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,441
But it's my burger!
341
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,363
I'm driving.
I'll kill us.
342
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,044
Fine. I'd rather die!