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It's Channel 6 Action News.
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Ah, Action News.
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The last place an impressionable kid
can go for TV violence.
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Now here's your Action anchor,
Kent Brockman.
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Hello, I'm Kent Blackmail!
Our (up stories tonight:
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A tremendous explosion
in the price of lumber.
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"President Reagan dyes...
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...his hair," says Gary Trudeau
in his new musical comedy review.
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But first let's check the death count
from the killer storm...
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...bearing down on us
like a shotgun full of snow.
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As of now, the death count is zero.
But it is ready to shout right up.
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Oh, my God!
Damn you, snow!
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All right! Snow day!
No school tomorrow!
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That doesn't mean no book report.
What if the weatherman is wrong?
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Lisa, that man is a
professional meteorologist.
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Kent, I'd like to remind everybody
to come down and watch me...
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...at the Springfield Laugh and Brew
and Burgers and Fries on Saturday.
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The forecast calls for
a 75% chance of hilarity.
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I like those odds.
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Snowball fight!
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You're gonna eat a blizzard of...
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...unseasonable warmth?
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I made the snowball from the frost
in our freezer.
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Nice P.J.s, Simpson.
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Did your mommy buy them for you?
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Of course she did.
Who else would have?
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All right, Simpson.
You win this round.
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Okay, it's book report time.
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We'll do them alphabetically.
Today it's A through M.
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I'm saved!
I love being a Simpson.
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Let's see. We have no A's.
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So let's go right to the B's.
Bart.
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Mrs. Krabappel...
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...I didn't...
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Attention. This is Principal Skinner...
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...your principal, with a message
from the principal's office.
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All students proceed immediately
to an assembly...
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...in the Bullhead Memorial Auditorium.
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Damn it, I wish we hadn't let
the students name that.
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Children, the times they are
becoming quite different.
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Test scores are at an all-time low.
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So I've come up with these
academic alerts!
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You will receive one as soon as
your grades start to slip in any subject.
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Your parents won't have to wait
until report cards to punish you.
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How innovative. I like it.
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00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:11,680
Hey, Dolph, take a memo
on your Newton: Beat up Martin.
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Bah!
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All right, first academic alert:
Wiggum, Ralph.
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I won! I won!
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No. No, Ralph.
This means you're failing English.
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Me fail English?
That's "unpossible."
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Muntz, Nelson. You're failing
history, geography and math.
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-But you're doing quite well in home ec.
-Hey! Keep it down, man.
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Simpson...
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...Lisa.
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Grades are all I have.
What could I be failing?
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I'm smart and a teacher's pet.
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Gym?! That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard!
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Lisa, your father and I are very
concerned about this warning.
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I really hope you try harder.
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That's all of them. And I'm so proud
you didn't try to forge my name.
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How about a present, son?
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Well, I could use a new pair
of hockey skates.
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-Done and done.
-That's not fair.
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Why is Bart getting a present,
and I'm getting chewed out?
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Ah, the mysteries of life.
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Tell you what, Simpson.
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I won't fail you if you join one of
those Pee Wee teams outside the school.
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You mean, where parents push kids
into vicious competition...
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...to compensate for
their own failed dreams of glory?
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Look, I don't need this.
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I inhaled my favorite whistle
this morning.
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Children, that was our only ball.
There'll be no team this year.
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Mom, this is really scary.
I'm gonna get my first F ever.
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Cheer up. So you're not good at sports.
It's a very small part of life.
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Sports, sports, sports, sports
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Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat
today because he's a good guy at sports.
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I think Lisa needs to feel
a little special tonight.
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How about letting her
ride up front too?
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I tried.
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Okay, son. Just remember
to have fun out there today.
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-And if you lose, I'll kill you!
-Oh, Dad.
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All right, Pigs, beat those Gougers.
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I could've been equipment manager,
but no!
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Our goalie cannot stand up.
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Tell you what, get some rope.
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Defense! Defense!
Come on! You call that blowing!
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Oh, yes, we won!
We won! We won!
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Unfortunately, since I bet
on the other team...
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...we won't be going for pizza.
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00:06:47,939 --> 00:06:52,600
We", buy, you won. 50 I'm gonna live up
to my side of the agreement.
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Here's your turtle, alive and well.
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Aw, thanks, Dad.
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How about some adulation
from my little sister?
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00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:05,151
Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were
able to give Milhouse a concussion.
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00:07:05,369 --> 00:07:07,030
Aw, you're just jealous.
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00:07:07,204 --> 00:07:11,664
Because...you...stink...at...sports!
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00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,701
-Cut it out, Bart!
-What the...?
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You know, I wonder if her skills
will transfer over to the game of hockey.
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00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,134
Well, only one way to be sure.
Heads up, little girl!
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The goalie of my dreams!
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Let's try a hard one to make sure
it wasn't a fluke.
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Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!
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Yeah, that's it, Milhouse.
Keep up the chatter.
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Lisa, if the Bible has taught us
nothing else, and it hasn't...
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...it's that girls should stick
to girl sports.
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Such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing
and such and such.
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00:08:01,038 --> 00:08:03,707
I think women should be able to play
any sport men play.
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00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:07,954
But hockey is so violent and dangerous.
Look at Milhouse's teeth.
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Mom, will you stop showing us these?
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I have to join the team
or I'll get an F...
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...that will haunt me
for the rest of my life.
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I now pronounce you
president of these United--
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Stop the inauguration! I just discovered
our president-elect...
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...got an F in second-grade gym class!
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In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime
of horror on Monster Island.
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Don't worry. It's just a name.
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He said it was just a name!
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What he meant is that Monster Island
is actually a peninsula.
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Do you have my teeth?
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No.
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Okay, hotshots. Now that my daughter
is on your team...
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...I want to make a few things clear.
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Please, Dad. I'll be fine.
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00:09:05,339 --> 00:09:09,585
I don't want anyone to give her
a hard time just because she's different.
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No jokes, no taunting--
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Look! That kid's got bosoms!
Who's got a wet towel?
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Come here, you butterball.
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Don't make me run!
I'm full of chocolate!
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00:09:31,193 --> 00:09:33,813
I can't watch. I don't know how
you two can sit here...
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...laughing at poor Lisa
while she's probably scared to death.
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00:09:37,114 --> 00:09:42,321
We're laughing with her, Marge.
There's a big difference.
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With her.
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00:09:48,289 --> 00:09:50,413
You really think I did okay
out there, Mom?
135
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Absolutely, honey. By blocking the net,
I really think you helped your team.
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Okay, little buddy. Hop in.
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00:10:00,049 --> 00:10:02,338
I mean my little girl buddy.
138
00:10:02,551 --> 00:10:06,797
That's very nice, but it's wrong for you
to reward violent, competitive behavior.
139
00:10:06,971 --> 00:10:10,553
However, I will sit up front with you
if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
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00:10:10,765 --> 00:10:12,307
Okay, hon.
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00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:15,927
Sucker! Competitive violence,
that's why you're here!
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00:10:37,286 --> 00:10:39,659
We're having our best season ever.
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00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:43,738
And I would like to say that
it is because of teamwork.
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00:10:43,958 --> 00:10:46,710
Gee, who am I kidding, huh?
It's all because of Lisa.
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00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:49,125
Let's hear it for Lisa!
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00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:54,713
Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you
at hockey...
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00:10:54,925 --> 00:10:58,673
...does that mean you're gonna become
better than her at school?
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Maybe I will, Milhouse.
Maybe I will.
149
00:11:08,686 --> 00:11:11,474
Who can tell me the capital of Spain?
Bart Simpson.
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00:11:11,647 --> 00:11:14,897
The square root of 36?
Bart Simpson.
151
00:11:15,066 --> 00:11:17,439
Who freed the slaves?
Bart Simpson.
152
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:20,066
Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson.
153
00:11:20,237 --> 00:11:24,151
Bart Simpson, stop raising your hand.
You haven't had one right answer today.
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Sorry.
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00:11:26,408 --> 00:11:29,527
This is for wasting
teacher's valuable time!
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00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:35,332
Lay off, guys! He's with me.
157
00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:39,575
It's a lucky coincidence
you happen to be your sister's brother.
158
00:11:39,752 --> 00:11:42,789
Don't worry, Bart.
They won't bother you anymore.
159
00:11:46,507 --> 00:11:49,295
I hardly ever let Mother
fight for me anymore.
160
00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:52,593
Sorry, Bart. I'm gonna hang out
with Lisa...
161
00:11:52,762 --> 00:11:54,221
...for protection...
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00:11:54,389 --> 00:11:56,678
...and to be seen!
163
00:11:59,184 --> 00:12:00,560
Come watch TV with me, Dad.
164
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:04,434
We missed the first two Cups, but if
we hurry, we can catch the last three.
165
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:07,683
Oh, sorry, Bart. Lisa and I are going out
for gelato.
166
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:10,230
We'd ask you to come, but...
167
00:12:10,401 --> 00:12:11,729
...you know.
168
00:12:13,737 --> 00:12:17,023
-Bart, I can spend some time with you.
-I don't know, Mom.
169
00:12:17,198 --> 00:12:20,449
Don't have a stereotypical view of me
just because I'm your mother.
170
00:12:20,618 --> 00:12:24,034
I know. How about we play
the basketball?
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00:12:24,204 --> 00:12:27,371
I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but...
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00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,246
Watch out for the Shaq attack!
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00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,210
I told you to watch out.
174
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:38,208
Hey, Milhouse! Knock him down
if he's in your way!
175
00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:39,965
Jimbo, Jimbo! Go for the face!
176
00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:43,045
Look! Ralph Wiggum lost
his shinguard!
177
00:12:43,260 --> 00:12:46,095
Hack the bone!
Hack the bone!
178
00:12:46,304 --> 00:12:49,756
Wow! Eye of the tiger!
Mouth of a teamster!
179
00:12:50,057 --> 00:12:54,268
To think of all the time
I wasted on you!
180
00:12:54,853 --> 00:12:57,890
Well, not wasted...
181
00:12:58,064 --> 00:12:59,973
I love you.
182
00:13:00,941 --> 00:13:04,891
Let me give my special little winner
a big, big hug.
183
00:13:05,111 --> 00:13:08,776
Ma. I think I'm all hugged out.
184
00:13:08,947 --> 00:13:11,236
Ah, one more.
185
00:13:15,619 --> 00:13:16,947
Hello, Queen Lisa.
186
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,864
Bart! What are you doing in my room?
187
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,575
Lisa, certain differences, rivalries
if you will, have come up between us.
188
00:13:23,751 --> 00:13:27,119
At first, I thought we could talk it over
like civilized people.
189
00:13:27,295 --> 00:13:32,538
But instead, I just ripped the head
off Mr. Honey Bunny!
190
00:13:32,758 --> 00:13:35,082
Bart, that was your cherished
childhood toy.
191
00:13:36,094 --> 00:13:38,383
Mr. Honey Bunny!
192
00:13:40,972 --> 00:13:43,546
-Quiet down, Bart!
-Bart, just get out of here.
193
00:13:43,766 --> 00:13:46,601
-It's a free country. You get out.
-That doesn't make sense.
194
00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:48,388
I know you are, but what am I?
195
00:13:48,603 --> 00:13:49,932
Get out! Get out!
196
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:55,181
Okay! But on my way,
I'm gonna be doing this:
197
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,860
If you get hit, it's your own fault.
198
00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:03,855
Okay. Then I'm gonna start
kicking air like this:
199
00:14:04,032 --> 00:14:09,702
And if any part of you should fill that air,
it's your own fault.
200
00:14:19,753 --> 00:14:21,295
I better go check that out.
201
00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:25,454
Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.
202
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,508
Okay.
203
00:14:27,676 --> 00:14:30,131
All right, pie.
I'm just gonna do this:
204
00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:34,379
And if you get eaten,
it's your own fault.
205
00:14:38,893 --> 00:14:41,017
Oh, my...
206
00:14:41,186 --> 00:14:43,262
Oh, the hell with it.
207
00:14:46,566 --> 00:14:51,144
Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Stop it!
208
00:14:51,361 --> 00:14:52,737
Mom, that is really annoying.
209
00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:54,980
-Bart started it.
-Lisa started it.
210
00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:57,818
I don't care who started it!
I don't want to see you...
211
00:14:58,033 --> 00:14:59,610
...fighting like that ever again.
212
00:14:59,784 --> 00:15:02,868
We love you both. You're not
in competition with each other.
213
00:15:03,037 --> 00:15:06,738
Repeat, you are not in competition
with each other.
214
00:15:06,915 --> 00:15:11,624
Hey! Apu just called. This Friday,
Lisa's team is playing Bart's team.
215
00:15:11,794 --> 00:15:13,538
You're in direct competition!
216
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:16,665
Don't go easy on each other
because you're brother and sister.
217
00:15:16,839 --> 00:15:20,338
I want to see you both fighting
for your parents' love!
218
00:15:20,509 --> 00:15:25,218
Fight! Fight! Fight!
219
00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:32,306
Okay, I'm gonna make
a little deal with you mugs.
220
00:15:32,518 --> 00:15:35,057
I'm gonna let you out to see my team
play the game...
221
00:15:35,229 --> 00:15:37,305
...if you promise to return
to your cells.
222
00:15:37,481 --> 00:15:40,979
Sorry, pig.
We can't make that promise.
223
00:15:41,192 --> 00:15:43,565
All right. All right,
I'll sweeten the deal.
224
00:15:43,736 --> 00:15:46,226
You can see the game,
you don't have to come back...
225
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:50,485
...but you have to promise
not to commit any more crimes, okay?
226
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,701
-No.
-I'll take that as a yes.
227
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,158
All right, we're free!
228
00:15:56,412 --> 00:16:02,034
At 7 tonight the games begin
Bart versus Lisa, who will win?
229
00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:07,831
Their father's fat and their mother's thin
And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin
230
00:16:08,005 --> 00:16:10,413
Hey!
231
00:16:10,590 --> 00:16:13,294
That's Obsession for Men.
232
00:16:15,302 --> 00:16:17,259
Pass ketchup.
233
00:16:18,805 --> 00:16:22,221
You'll have to do better
than that tonight, chump.
234
00:16:23,392 --> 00:16:27,472
I asked for ketchup!
I'm eating salad here.
235
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:30,854
I won't have any aggressive
condiment-passing in this house.
236
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:33,647
-Hello.
-Moe, what are you doing here?
237
00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:37,773
What? What? A bartender can't come by
and say hi to his best customer?
238
00:16:37,945 --> 00:16:41,562
Hey, hey there, Midge. Oh, gee.
I like what you done to your hair.
239
00:16:41,781 --> 00:16:43,656
You caught me
at a real bad time, Moe.
240
00:16:43,825 --> 00:16:46,577
I hope you understand I'm too tense
to pretend I like you.
241
00:16:46,785 --> 00:16:50,367
Yeah, and how are the little kids doing?
I mean, really, how are they doing?
242
00:16:50,538 --> 00:16:53,705
Any disabling injuries? Something
that the gambling community...
243
00:16:53,874 --> 00:16:56,626
...might not yet know about?
Here, let me see those knees.
244
00:16:56,793 --> 00:16:58,288
Moe, I think you should leave.
245
00:16:58,503 --> 00:17:02,120
But Blanche, you gotta help me out here!
Please! I'm 64 grand in the hole!
246
00:17:02,339 --> 00:17:04,415
They're gonna take my thumbs!
247
00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:09,250
Charge!
248
00:17:09,803 --> 00:17:13,504
Good luck tonight, sis.
I'll try not to hurt you!
249
00:17:13,681 --> 00:17:17,726
Don't worry. I'm wearing
my lucky rabbit's head.
250
00:17:17,893 --> 00:17:20,348
Mr. Honey Bunny!
You inhumane monster!
251
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,761
You want a piece of me?
252
00:17:22,939 --> 00:17:24,765
Hey, hey. Stop it, stop it!
253
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:27,064
Conserve your precious hatred
for the game.
254
00:17:27,275 --> 00:17:29,565
Now that we're all alone, Marge.
admit it.
255
00:17:29,736 --> 00:17:31,480
-You like Lisa best.
-No!
256
00:17:31,654 --> 00:17:33,979
-Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you?
-No.
257
00:17:34,156 --> 00:17:37,109
You can't possible like Maggie best.
What has she ever done?
258
00:17:37,283 --> 00:17:39,193
Nothing for nobody.
259
00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:41,783
Homer, we can't root for one child
over the other.
260
00:17:41,954 --> 00:17:44,706
You wouldn't like it if the kids
played favorites with us.
261
00:17:44,873 --> 00:17:49,498
-Hey, Mom! Look at me, Mom!
-Hi, Mom, over here! Mom!
262
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,497
Hi, kids.
263
00:17:51,711 --> 00:17:56,088
And now to honor America,
here's Krusty the Clown.
264
00:18:12,144 --> 00:18:15,145
Shouldn't have turned down
those cue cards.
265
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,567
I love Bart!
266
00:18:34,078 --> 00:18:36,035
No, wait! I love Lisa!
267
00:18:36,205 --> 00:18:38,957
Beer? Oh, Marge, I love you.
268
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,596
He tripped my boy!
269
00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:10,139
I demand vengeance!
I want vengeance!
270
00:19:10,648 --> 00:19:13,483
Jimbo Jones called for tripping.
271
00:19:13,693 --> 00:19:16,646
A penalty shot will be taken
lay Bart Simpson.
272
00:19:18,863 --> 00:19:21,615
Oh, my God. A penalty shot
with only four seconds left.
273
00:19:21,782 --> 00:19:25,115
It's your child versus mine!
The winner will be showered with praise!
274
00:19:25,285 --> 00:19:28,950
The laser will be taunted and booed
until my threat is sore!
275
00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:35,043
Kill her, boy! Kill her!
276
00:19:36,085 --> 00:19:37,710
Stop him dead, little girl!
277
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,790
Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
278
00:19:40,964 --> 00:19:44,131
Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!
279
00:19:48,678 --> 00:19:52,047
Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
280
00:20:41,011 --> 00:20:42,672
Great game, Lis.
281
00:20:42,846 --> 00:20:45,384
Great game, Bart.
282
00:20:49,518 --> 00:20:51,309
-Tie game?!
-What the hell?!
283
00:20:51,478 --> 00:20:52,806
This is outrageous.
284
00:20:52,979 --> 00:20:57,059
Oh, I've never been so proud of them.
285
00:21:00,235 --> 00:21:03,236
They're both losers. Losers!
286
00:21:03,446 --> 00:21:06,814
-Rip off!
-We paid for blood!
287
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:08,858
Let's tear this place apart!
288
00:21:09,075 --> 00:21:10,866
Good idea!
289
00:21:16,331 --> 00:21:20,328
These kids are, like, so sweet.
290
00:21:21,168 --> 00:21:26,126
If only they had had Pee Wee
hockey when I was a lad.
291
00:21:27,047 --> 00:21:28,874
Oh, well.