??[Chorus Singing]
[Bell Ringing]
[ Whistle Blowing]
[ Beeping ]
?? [Jazzy Solo ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
?? [ Humming ]
[ Homer's Voice ] Hey, Bart-Bart...
Iooks like a beautiful day to swipe some "pic-i-nic" baskets.
[ Bart's Voice ] But, "Homi," Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.
I'll handle Ranger Ned.
After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.
Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi.
Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to askyou to hand overthat--
[ Shouting ]
Gee, Homi, it's notvery nice to maul Ranger Ned.
- You want some ofthis? - Uh-uh.
- [ Shouting ] - [ Groaning ]
[ Growling ]
- Dad, wake up! Wake up! - Dad, wake up!
[ Moans ] I was having the mostwonderful dream.
I had a hat and a tie, with no pants on.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you promised to take us to the lake.
I promiseyou lots ofthings. That's what makes me such a good father.
Actually keeping promises would makeyou a good father.
- No, that would make me a great father. - So Are we going to the lake?
Yes, we'll go to the darn lake.
Now go back to bed. It's 4:00 a.m.
Aw, 4:00 a.m.?. Now I'll never get back to-- [ Snoring ]
?? [ Singing Cartoon Theme Song ]
Hey, you shouldn't have oughta taken my banana, Mr. Peebles.
[ Roars, Hoots ]
- [ Horns Honking ] - [Marge ] Wow!
It looks like the lake is the place to be, huh?
Well, ifwe'd left at 4:00 a.m like I wanted to--
Dad, you really should be watching the road.
- Hey, Homer. Enough traffic foryou? - [ Neck Cracks ]
- Homer, your spine. - [ Cracks ]
Hey, pfft. Screw this.
Hang on, everyone. We're taking the old Simpson shortcut.
- [Tires Squeal] - [ Homer] So long, suckers.
[ Bart ] Whoa!
[ Chuckles ] Eat my dust, suckers.
[Marge ] Stop calling everyone suckers.
?? [ Homer Scatting ]
Hmm. [ Chomps ]
Ugh! Pesticides. [ Chomps ]
Carbamate, if I'm not mistaken.
Yep. Carbamate.
- [ Marge ] Tree! - I see it.
Hmm. This is such a secluded area.
I wonderwho lives in that house.
[Homer] Wayout in thesticks like this?
It could only be hillbillies.
So I suppose that's a hillbillyJacuzzi.
Yep. That's where they cook up theirvittles.
[ Chattering ]
[ Laughs ]
- [ Rod And Todd Giggling ] - Hey, here come the Simpsons.
Now be careful, Homer. There's a fella in the sand right in front ofyou.
[ Shouts ]
Okay, rememberwhere we parked.
[Ned] Homer, is that mymuffler?
There you go. And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.
Oh, yeah. Couldn't put it down. Come on, boy. Let's get me a six-pack.
Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.
- Life jackets? - Check.
- Tow rope? - Secure.
- Skier? - Ready.
Here we go.
She's down.
- Oh, look at it go. - Stay there, honey.
We'll come back foryou.
[ Screams ]
- How's he doing? - I don't know.
I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
Faster, Marge! Faster. The snapping turtles are massing.
- Heads up! Coming through. - [ Clamoring ]
Hey, volleyball. Can I play later?
Hi, Apu.
Oh, dear. You have ruined mywork, you flying fat man.
- [ Screeching ] - [ Clamoring ]
Hey!
[ Sighs ]
Step on it, Mom. Dad's signaling that he wants to go higher.
[ Gurgling ] Higher.
[ Spits ] Bye-bye, "fishies."
Higher. Higher!
I'm soaring--
Soaring majestically, like a candywrapper caught in an updraft.
Higher, Marge. Higher!
- It won't go any. - Higher, I say.
I wanna soar higher than any man has ever soared.
I wanna look down on the clouds with contempt.
I wanna sneer at God's creation...
and spit on his-- Uh-oh.
[ Whimpering ] Lower! Lower!
- There goes my turn. - [ Whimpering ]
This is not good.
[ Whimpers, Gasps ] Aw, nuts.
[ Shouting ]
[ Buzzing ]
Huh? What? Oh, already?
- [Woman Gasps ] What the hell-- - Sorry, lady.
[ Gasps ] I know you. You're Kim "Basin-jer."
- It's Basinger. - Oh, my God.
I'm such a huge, huge fan ofyours, Miss "Basin-jer."
Thanks. Um, listen.
- You thinkyou could slide over a little? - Well, I am a married man.
- You're crushing my husband. - [ Man Groans ]
[ Gasps ] Billy Baldwin!
I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get offme?
Sowhat areyou two kids doing in my neck ofthewoods?
- Well-- - Wait! Tell me over breakfast.
Who's for pancakes?
Areyou sureyou don't want to go to the hospital, Mr. Simpson?
You had an awful lot of glass in you.
Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Anyway, what areyou two big Hollywood stars doing in good old Springfield?
Sometimes we need to get away from Hollywood.
L.A. is just so phony.
Well, why don'tyou just move to, say, Bethesda?
- Not phony enough. - What we really like here is the privacy.
Most people don't even know where Springfield is.
Yeah. Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure.
We're trying to keep a low profile.
We don't even go to the supermarket.
Yeah, we've been living off congratulatory muffin baskets.
Blech! Zucchini.
- Don't just put that back in the basket. - I'm gonna eat it later.
You shouldn't have to survive on dry, crumbly muffins from...
"the Gersh Agency."
You should let me doyour shopping.
I know where I can getyou some great muffins.
- No more muffins. - Okay, fine.
But I could do all kinds ofstuffforyou.
I notice that skylight in your bedroom's broken.
Yeah, I'm not sure we need an assistant, Mr. Simpson.
Please. Homer. Come on.
Ifyou let me hang around a while, I can do all kinds ofstuffforya.
Well, we are down to our last roll oftoilet paper.
And I have been brushing myteeth with hair gel for a week.
I suppose we could give it a try.
- Yeah, you owe me that much. - Okay, you're on.
But look-- Nobody knows we're in Springfield, and we wanna keep it that way.
Will you promise to keep our secret?
Absolutely, ifyou promise to keep mine.
- Okay. What is it? - I can't read.
Butyou just read that card from the Gersh Agency.
I recognized the logo.
?? [ Whistling ]
Homie, areyou okay?
We've been lookin' all over foryou, Dad. Where did you land?
- Nowhere famous. - Where'd you get that muffin?
Gersh Agency.
Apu, I'm about to purchase some weird and fruity items, and I don't want any guff.
First of all, I'll need the following mushrooms:
- Portobello. - Yes.
- Porcini. - Right.
- Chanterelle. - Uh-huh.
- And Shiitake. - Okay. We have none ofthose. What is next?
A gallon ofwheatgrass juice, a five-pound wad oftofu, some jellied zinc...
and a couple of pairs of $600 sunglasses.
Mr. Simpson, these exotic items are suspiciously different...
from your usual order ofbeer and pork.
- What gives? - Uh, nothing, nothing.
I'm just broadening my horizons.
By the way, doyou have extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee?
Wow. You got everything, Homer-- Even the Oscar polish.
- [ Squeaking ] - Honey, why don't you give that thing a rest?
You're taking the finish off.
When you win one, you can take care ofit howeveryou want.
Whoo-hoo. Meow.
- [Doorbell Rings ] - I'll get it. I'll get it.
- Yes? - Hi. I'm Ron Howard.
- Ron Howard? - Yeah. I'm looking...
for Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger?
Oh, hey, Ron. We heard you were looking for a place in Springfield.
Yeah, well, it's the only town in America that'll let me fish with dynamite.
Uh--What's with him?
Oh, that's just Homer. He's a new friend of ours.
Really? You giant stars consider me a friend?
Well, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm somebody.
Ronny, areyou also my close friend?
[ Sniffs ] Do I smell vodka? And wheatgrass?
It's called a lawn mower. I invented it.
- You want one? - Yeah, okay.
- And I'll have a rum and zinc. - Ooh, I'll have one ofthose too.
- Hey, can I crash here tonight? - Sure. We'll all stay.
A cell phone?
Last Thursday's Variety?
- [DoorCloses ] - ?? [Whistling]
[ Gasps ] I'll do that. You go upstairs and have a beer.
Homer, when did you become a member of PETA?
Well, you know me. I love animals--
Beef, chicken, veal.
Ifyou're not part ofthe solution, Marge, you're part ofthe problem.
- That's not what PETA stand-- - [ Ringing ]
- Imagine Films. - Hmm?
A, uh, division of, um, Homer Co.
- ??[Disco Beat] - Andlift. Andstrain.
And hyperextend.
Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Homer, I'm-- I'm feeling some sharp pains in my neck.
That' right, force it. Whip that neck.
Um, does anybody know where this came from?
Oh, there's that movie script I wrote.
- Where did you find it? - On my pillow.
The important thing is, it's got the perfect part foryou.
Either one ofyou.
It's about a killer-robot driving instructor...
who travels back in time for some reason.
Ron Howard's attached to direct.
- I am not. - Well, he expressed an interest.
- No, I didn't. - Did too.
- I did not. - You lie!
Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts are 1 20 pages.
This is only 1 7...
and several ofthe pages are just drawings ofthe time machine.
- Soyou're saying you don'twant to star in my movie? - I'm sorry, Homer.
Well, if Alec is out, I'm out too. You're on your own, Potsie.
"The Terminizer: An Erotic Thriller."
[ Chattering, Laughter]
So I'm in the grocery store the other day, buying some cotton balls.
- The absorbent kind? - You got that right, my friend.
- [ Laughing ] - I round the corner and I head down the ointment aisle...
when who should I spot--
None other than Kent Brockman.
The local news guy? "Mr. Channel 6"?
- [Chattering] - My God! What I'd give to meet him.
- Oh, they don't come much bigger than that. - [Blows Raspberries ]
Kent Brockman? Please.
Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star.
- I might have. - Come on, make with a name.
[ Groans ] I can't. I promised I wouldn't.
You've got to keep our secret, Homer.
Homer, we're out ofvodka.
Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know...
about the celebrity summer house.
- Who the hell areyou? - What doyou care?
I'm telling you whatyou want to hear.
All right, I'm gonna letyou guys in on something.
Butyou've got to keep it much more secret than I did.
[ Grunts ]
- [ Grunts ] - [ Grunts ]
Yes! In your freckled face, Howard.
- Unbelievable. - What?
Nothing, nothing. Good hustle.
- [Rhythmic Rumbling] - My God--The lemonade. Look at the lemonade.
- [Rumbling Continues ] - Uh-oh.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, look at that. Isn't that something?
Quick-- Everybody inside.
The shuttlecock-- Where's the shuttlecock?
- [ Chattering ] - [ Panting ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
Arr. I loved Splash, Mr. Howard.
- It was totally, uh, uh, arr. [ Chuckles ] - Uh, Miss Basinger?
Those red pumps you wore in L.A. Confidential were fabulous.
Where can I get a pair for my, uh, mother? She wears a 1 2 double-E.
Alec, Alec-- Regarding that so-called silent propulsion system...
in The Hunt forRed October--
I printed out a list oftechnical errors...
which I thinkyou'd enjoy discussing.
Somebody must have told them we live here.
I'm looking atyou, Horshack.
Homer, how could you?
Okay, okay, it was me. I'm sorry I blewyour secret.
Butyou don't know what it's like to be a nobody.
I just wanted to bask in your reflected glory.
Reflected glory!
Homer, you betrayed our confidence.
I just don't think we can be friends anymore.
- But where will I bask? - Anywhere but here.
Come on, Ron. We're not wanted here.
All right, I'll go.
But the next timeyou want someone to remind you which brother is which...
- or smell your hairwhileyou're sleeping-- - [ Gasps ]
just remember, old Homer won't be here anymore.
- [Clamoring] - [Moe ] Hey, come on!
[ Sideshow Mel ] Wait a minute. Somebody's coming out.
- Who is it? Is it anybody? - No, no. It's nobody.
Throw your stones. It's nobody.
[ Clamoring ]
Oh, how could Alec and Kim just cut me out oftheir lives?
Homer, you haven't touched your food.
When Kim makes a Manwich, she uses focaccia bread.
And would it kill you to put some fennel in it?
Alec Baldwin? Wow! That is the coolest person you've ever been fired by.
- What was it like at their house? - Oh, it was so great.
I didn't have to fake it with them.
I was actually excited to hear about their day.
- I washed the dog today. - Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?
- Of course not. - [ Groans ] Our dog isn't famous.
And you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.
And you--You couldn't open a movie ifyour life depended on it.
I'm about ready to ankle this family.
Ankle? Focaccia? What areyou talking about?
See? It's like we don't even speak the same language anymore.
The only one who understands me is that guywho married Martha Raye.
Don't blame us, Dad. The celebrities are the ones who canned you.
Hmm. She may not be famous, but she's right.
Those big-shot stars used me up and spit me out.
I did their laundry. Got their pictures developed.
Took their garbage to the dump.
And I still got a carful oftheir crap.
Crap, eh?
[Chattering]
Hey, is it too late to see the movie stars?
No, no.Just, uh, hop that fence...
sneak up and, uh, peek in the window there.
All right.
- [ Crackling ] - [ Groans ]
[ Chuckles ] I never get tired ofthat.
[Horn Honks ]
[HomerOn Loudspeaker] Attention, starstruck fools.
Step right up and see the world's greatest mobile collection...
of Alec and Ron and "Kim-o-rabilia."
- [ Chattering ] - Only five-- No wait. Ten dollars.
- You heard right. Twenty dollars. - [Lenny] Homer, me first. Come on, man.
[ Chattering ]
[ Barney] Oh! Hundred-year-old stuff.
Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's Medic Alert bracelet.
That's right, "Mr. Tough Guy" can't handle a little penicillin.
Oh, and look at this.
We can't even pay our bills, and they're drinking Royal Crown Cola.
- Hey, hey. Go easy on the celebrities, huh? - Yeah. What gives you the right?
- Leave 'em alone. - We love celebrities.
Oh, yeah? What have they ever done foryou?
When was the last time Barbra Streisand cleaned outyour garage?
And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?
I'll tell ya.
Ray Bolger is lookin' out for Ray Bolger!
Oh, look. Wasn't that a fun weekend?
Yeah. Homerwas a pretty good guy.
And we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe award.
I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in...
and kiss us on the forehead.
- Forehead? - Oh, maybe I should have made his movie.
Yeah. It wasn't that bad.
I mean, the script might even work...
ifyou got rid ofthe talking pie.
What, areyou crazy? It's a buddy picture.
Without the pie, it would just be me on screen for two hours.
Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.
No, no, no. You can't lose the pie. The pie is your heart.
Okay, okay. Keep the damn pie.
The point is, we weren't fair to Homer.
He screwed up, but he deserves another chance.
Yeah. Everyone makes mistakes.
I mean, we'd want another chance if one of us ever made a bad film, right?
[Birds Singing]
[Ducks Quacking]
I'm really looking forward to seeing Homer again.
He always has the most interesting odors.
[ High-Pitched Voice ] Ooh, look at me.
I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star.
I'm so beautiful. I think I'm so great.
I'm too important to take Homerto the Oscars.
- What the-- - [ Screams ]
Got to go. Thankyou for supporting the Museum of Hollywood Jerks.
- Let's get him. - And this time it's personal.
What? It is personal.
He's got our underpants.
[ Tires Screeching ]
- [ Horn Honking ] - I'll never outrun them in a museum.
- Pull over, you maniac. - No!
Just jump over there, Alec. It's not that far.
Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.
Uh, gee, I'd love to, but I'm not really wearing the right shoes.
[ Imitates Chicken ]
Fine.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Screams ]
[ Laughing ] Hey, I made it. All by myself.
Hey, wereyou watching, sweetheart? I made it!
Ow! Aaah! Mywatch is caught.
Oh, for the love of-- Hold on.
- Can you drive? - Not well, but I'll give it a shot.
- [ Grunts ] - [Thump ]
- Oh, God! - [Tire Screeching]
[ Kim Screaming ]
[ Both Screaming ]
I guess it's up to me.
- [ Groaning ] - [ Both ] Ron!
- You killed Ron Howard. - Okay, I'll stop.
[ Gavel Banging]
- Mr. Simpson, do you have anything to say foryourself? - Yes, I do.
I believe that famous people have a debt to everyone.
If celebrities didn't want people pawing through their garbage...
and saying they're gay, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
In closing, you people must realize...
that the public owns you for life, and when you're dead...
you'll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.
Thankyou, Your Honor.
Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden to come within 500 miles...
ofany celebrity, living or dead.
[ All ] Whoo-hoo!
Well, I'll always have my crank calls.
[ Beeping ]
Hello? Old ladyfrom Titanic?
You stink! [ Giggles ]
And it grows to a powerful, emotional climax...
when the father has to choose...
which one ofhis children will live...
and which one will die.
- Pass. - [ Groans ]
- What elseyou got? - Uh--
Well, there is this one thing.
It's about a killer-robot driving instructor...
that travels back in time for some reason.
- I'm listening. - Okay, okay.
Well, you see, this robot--
He's got a heartbreaking decision to make...
about whether his best friend lives or dies.
- Eh. - His best friend's a talking pie.
Sold! Howard, you've done it again.
?? [Man Singing]
- [ Murmuring ] - Shh!
[Ron Howard] Homer, we're out ofvodka.