Bart the Fink
My condolences on the untimely passing of your Great-aunt Hortense.
As her only living heirs, you stand to inherit her entire estate.
Poor Aunt Hortense.
The only stipulation is that you spend one night in a haunted house.
- Oh, isn't that somewhat unusual? - No. It's a standard clause.
Well, luckily there's no such thing as ghosts.
Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Best night's sleep I ever had. - Their tap water tasted better than ours.
Here you go. One hundred dollars each.
The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have continued talking after you left the office.
I do that sometimes.
Oh, my!
What are you gonna spend your money on, kids?
There's a special on tacos at the Taco Mat:
100 tacos for $ 100. I'm gonna get that.
I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
Tacos? Public broadcasting?
I won't have you throwing your money away like that.
You're coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank.
Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now.
No!
Yes. This should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.
You'll feel better knowing your money is in the hands of professionals.
- Are you folks ready to go ape? - Mom?
A professional in an ape mask is still a professional.
And you'll find that saving for your future...
...is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.
Really? Wow, I should've started a long time ago.
Now, fill out these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more exciting than...
...a weekend with Batman.
I got their new Thrifty Saver Savings Account.
"2.3 percent annual interest instead of the normal 2.25."
So a year from now, I'll have an extra nickel.
I got the one where you get free customized checks.
I chose the Hindenburg flipbook series.
Cool!
Checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart.
No, Mom. I can handle it. Let's see.
Pay to the order of Lisa...
...1 cent. And no cents.
And now the old John Hancock. There you go.
Thank you.
A million dollars! Thanks, Bart! I owe you one.
That's a postdated check, remember. Don't cash it until year 10,000.
Okay.
Excellent! As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go.
That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go.
They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.
That's okay, Bart. You can share mine.
Press against me while the ink's still wet.
No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.
If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing on the back.
When my monthly bank statement comes, I'll get the check back...
...complete with autograph. No fuss, no muss.
That's a good plan. But it won't impress girls like this!
Lisa's autograph, Apu's autograph.
Oh, what do you know. Jimbo's real name is Corky.
And Krusty!
Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"?
Krusty was supposed to sign this. Take it back. Make him sign.
No, no. Stamping the back of a check is perfectly legal, little boy.
Many people do it to save time. You see, in this case...
...instead of writing out his name, Krusty stamped the name...
...of his Cayman Islands Holding Corporation on the...
Excuse me a minute.
I'm sorry.
I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account.
Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer.
Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret.
Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal!
It's too hot today.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I bought this popcorn fair and square.
Sorry, the bank is... Oh, kid. Gosh, I meant to tell you...
...it turns out that Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history...
...and they nailed him, all thanks to you.
Some might say you're a hero, kid.
Not me, however. I love Krusty.
Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown was arrested today for massive tax fraud.
Krusty's years of tax "avoision" would never have...
- What is "avoision"? - Avoision is a crime. Look it up.
- Would never have... - Use "evasion." Evasion.
I don 't say "evasion," I say "avoision."
Would never have come to light if not for a crafty little boy named Bart Simpson.
Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?
It is a tragedy for all us kids. But, Bart, you can't beat yourself up.
Yeah. There'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
Oh, I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle.
- I'm used to the best. - Krusty, this is America.
We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
- Garnish my celery? - Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Who's joking?!
Oh, I don't know what you're saying. It all sounds so crazy to me!
It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid.
- Say, 75 percent for 40 years. - But I don't plan to live that long!
- Well, better make it 95 percent. - Oh, boy!
The Internal Revenue Service presents Herschel Krustofsky's Clown-Related...
...Entertainment Show.
Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots...
...this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective.
So we had to cut down on the frills like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel.
But that doesn't mean we can 't have fun! For example...
...I sure wish somebody would give me a banana cream pie.
Yeah.
I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well, throw something!
The corner...!
I'll have four Tax Burgers, one "IRSwich," withhold the lettuce...
...three dependent-size sodas and a "FICAccino."
Fill out Schedule B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
All right, let's see here, add Schedule B to line 53, take away...
Hey, Marge! What were your gambling losses last year?
Seven hundred dollars!
They took my money, they wrecked my show...
...they buried a bunch of stinking veterans in my family plot.
But at least I still got my memories.
Those are locked up safe in my fabulous mansion.
And now, lot number 66: A handmade leather suitcase...
...carried by the Krustofsky family upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902.
A priceless heirloom and historic piece of "Krustyana." What am I bid?
- Forty cents. - I got 40 cents, 40 over there.
Forty cents over here, 40 cents, do I hear 50?
Fifty over here, sold for 40 cents!
Forty cents?
My Grandpa Zev would turn over in his grave if it wasn't filled with a veteran.
Lot 67: 32 cartons of pornography.
- Ten cents. - Twelve.
Twelve cents to our phone bidder in Japan. Any advance?
All I brought is a dime. I didn't know there'd be pornography.
Sold for 12 cents.
Oh, my beloved pornography! I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to bed.
- How much for Krusty's bed? - Half a buck.
- Sold! - Goodnight, everybody.
Goodnight, Moe.
And now, lot number 2380:
Krusty's private plane, the "I'm-on-a-Rolla Gay."
But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin.
One night he looked out the window and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie.
We wrote a song about it...
...but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before.
Hey, Selma. That plane would go great with your new suitcase.
I just bought it to soak my feet in.
Krusty. Hi. Is it okay if I sit down here?
Go ahead, kid. Knock yourself out.
I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you, Krusty.
But, you know, my mom says, "God never closes a door...
...without opening a window."
No offense, kid, but your mom's a dingbat.
There's no silver lining here.
I was a big cheese, a huge cheese! But now look at me.
I gotta ride the bus like a schnook.
I gotta live in an apartment like an idiot.
I gotta wait in line with nobodies to buy groceries from a failure!
Well, it doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong.
As long you're on TV, people will respect you.
Respect?
What good is respect without the moola to back it up?
Everywhere I go, I see teachers in Ferraris...
...research scientists drinking champagne.
I tried to drink a Coke on the bus and they took away my pass!
That's no life for a famous clown.
Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, you can punch me in the face.
No, forget it. Go home, kid.
Shiva H. Vishnu! Where is that noise coming from?
Well, I must say, I've had a lovely evening, Agnes.
I don't suppose I could come in for a cup of...
- Seymour! - Mother?
- Superintendent Chalmers. - Skinner!
What I wouldn't give for something to interrupt this awkward moment.
That'll do nicely.
- You gotta hand it to Krusty. - Yeah.
Even with all his problems...
...he's still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous...
...just to entertain his fans.
Oh, that's my Krusty. I got a feeling he'll be all right.
Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes!
Okay, folks. Show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's...
Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody!
Get a load of this flaming wreckage!
Crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy.
Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown is dead.
- I can't believe Krusty is really gone. - Don't worry, son.
I'm sure he's up in heaven right now...
...laughing it up with all the other celebrities.
John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.
I wish I were dead.
We are gathered to mourn the passing of Herschel Shmoikel Krustofsky...
...beloved entertainer and dear friend. Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
You might remember me from such funerals as:
"Andre the Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye."
And "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge."
Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, Sideshow Mel.
I'll miss you, Krusty.
I and all the other sideshows, except Sideshow Bob.
But in the midst of our sorrow...
...we can take comfort in the fact that your elevated...
...blood alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker.
Since you left us no earthly remains...
...it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial.
Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners, Bob Newhart!
See, to tell you the truth, I'm...
I'm just killing time here. I was waiting for a...
Well, a different... Different funeral to start.
I'll handle it.
Bob Newhart, everybody!
Although, you know, though I started my career...
...several years before Krusty, so I could never really have...
...learned anything directly from him, still...
...I think, in a way, in a very meaningful way, that I...
...all of us, have... Have learned from him.
And that is by being a clown on television for...
For... For so many years.
Even though many of us, we didn't watch his show.
Thank you.
Well, that's the funeral, folks. We'll be sitting shiva at the Friars Club at 7 p. M...
...and again at 10. You must be over 18 for the 10:00.
It gets a little blue.
And so Herschel Krustofsky is gone. But not forgotten.
Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp.
Patrons were asked to choose between two competing designs:
One of Krusty's heartwarming smile and one of his fiery death.
By a nearly 2-to- 1 vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.
People die all the time just like that:
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
Well, good night.
Krusty!
- Mom, I just saw Krusty! - Yes, dear. In your mind.
- No, on the street. - On the street in your mind.
- Why won't you believe me? - Sweetheart, you want...
...Krusty to be alive so badly, you think you see him everywhere.
I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.
And these pills will help with the queasiness.
Krusty? Dr. Hibbert, who was that man?
Now, Bart, telling you would violate the patient-doctor privilege...
...just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live.
- What did he say? - He said I'm next!
Am I going crazy? I'm seeing Krusty everywhere.
You see Krusty everywhere because you wanna tell him...
...you're sorry for causing his death.
Would it help if I said you're not responsible for his death?
- Yes! Yes, it would. - Well, I can't.
You have to learn to live with your mental problem.
Wait a minute! All those things I saw, there's a connection.
The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters...
...they all point to one thing. Follow me.
I've got some customers. Call me back, Ishmael.
Ahoy there, minnows.
- Ahoy! Have you seen this man? - That's Handsome Pete.
He dances for nickels.
Pete, you got customers.
No. We're looking for this man, Krusty the Clown.
It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks, from Pier One...
...to that Pier One by Pier 17.
Lisa, look! A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's!
"Rory B. Bellows, Slip 8." Let's go!
Not a quarter! He'll be dancing for hours.
- Are you Rory B. Bellows? - Yes.
- How about Krusty the Clown? - Sorry, I don't do impressions.
If you're not Krusty, how come you have the same signature as him?
I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you! And I got a lot of corroborating evidence...
...over here...
...by the throttle!
You could've said something instead of letting me make an ass of myself.
Hey, you got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty!
And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.
Can't you see I don't wanna be Krusty anymore?
- That's why I faked my death. - But we saw your plane crash.
Yeah. But I wasn't in it.
Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane...
...into a carefully placed net.
Now that we blew your cover, you gotta come back and do your show.
Or kill us.
I won't be coming back, kids. I got a sweet life here.
The sea air is clearing my lungs.
The sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown.
And most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy.
All that high living just distracted me from my true calling in life:
Salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron. Sorry, kids.
There's nothing left for me on dry land anymore.
Krusty, what about the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons?
- Are you gonna turn your back on them? - Yes!
Come on, Lis. Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore.
Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.
Yeah. Krusty doesn't wanna be a clown.
He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.
Krusty's tired of having phonies around, pretending to be his friends.
I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.
It could happen.
Who needs friends?
The incessant beep of the global positioning system...
...is all the companionship I need.
Tell me where you are now, you bastard!
All right. I admit it.
I miss the phonies. That's all I miss.
That and Shirley Jones and Marty Ingles' New Year's Eve party.
What about the feeling you get knowing you're better than regular people?
What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected...
...than all the scientists, doctors and educators in the country put together?
Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect...
...while I'm out here in some stinking tub!
That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, Poindexter...
...because Krusty's back in town.
So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?
Don't sweat it.
The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured for a surprisingly large amount.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH]