1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,380 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:10,384 {\an8}Today, I'm proud to celebrate the opening of a thing I'd never heard of: 3 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,054 {\an8}a freeway wildlife crossing. 4 00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:16,349 {\an8}Now here is a little girl whose pestering has made this, 5 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:20,186 {\an8}whatever this is, a reality, Lisa Simpson. 6 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:24,649 {\an8}This land bridge will allow animals to migrate safely and end the collisions 7 00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:28,110 {\an8}that have turned our freeways into a carcass-ridden hellscape. 8 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,072 {\an8}[cheering] 9 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,241 {\an8}- [squeaking] - [lowing] 10 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,493 {\an8}[birds chirping] 11 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,328 {\an8}[gasps] That's it, furry friends. 12 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:41,917 {\an8}Migrate wherever your little paws, hooves and trotters wish to take you. 13 00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:49,507 {\an8}[all gasp] 14 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:52,343 {\an8}They're headed towards the pharmaceutical factory. 15 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:54,262 {\an8}[♪ heavy metal music playing] 16 00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,931 {\an8}- [glass shatters] - [screaming] 17 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,141 {\an8}♪ Bobcats on drugs ♪ 18 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,851 {\an8}♪ Frogs on drugs ♪ 19 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,687 {\an8}♪ Coyotes on drugs ♪ 20 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:08,192 {\an8}♪ Deer on drugs ♪ 21 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,529 {\an8}- [thuds] - This is your crane on drugs. 22 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:14,490 {\an8}The wildlife of Springfield has gone on a bad trip, 23 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:17,535 {\an8}gobbling up several tons of psychiatric medication. 24 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:21,706 {\an8}Snakes on antipsychotics are befriending rats on Zoloft. 25 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:24,333 {\an8}Beavers on beta blockers are building dams 26 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,711 {\an8}without their usual performance anxiety. 27 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:29,630 {\an8}Turtles tweaking on Adderall are racing past 28 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,049 {\an8}chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin. 29 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:35,511 {\an8}Look at those turtles go. America's back, baby. 30 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,096 {\an8}Dad, watch the road. 31 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,098 {\an8}Oh, right, driving. 32 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,057 {\an8}Okay, boy, you know the drill. 33 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:43,686 {\an8}I can't get sucked into a conversation with Milhouse's loser dad, 34 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:47,982 so you need to bail out of the car without me coming to a full stop. 35 00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:49,400 [unbuckles seat belt] 36 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:52,403 Don't push me. I'm trying to time my jump. 37 00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,405 - Love you, bud. - [grunts] 38 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,741 [grunts, mutters] 39 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:57,992 - [thuds] - [screams] 40 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,160 [tires screech] 41 00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:02,621 Hey, buddy. Come check out this new sprinkler I bought. 42 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,624 360 rotation, ma friend. 43 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:06,793 [sighs] 44 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,087 Stuck at 90. 45 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,423 It was doing it this morning, I swear. 46 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:13,508 [footsteps running] 47 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:15,509 [growls] 48 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:16,886 [all scream] 49 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,764 Get in here, or you'll be trampled. 50 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,765 Trampled, eh? 51 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,392 Death or Kirk? 52 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:25,394 Death or Kirk? 53 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,938 Death, it is. [yelps] 54 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,359 {\an8}Due to this tragic and not-at-all-my-fault stampede 55 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,069 {\an8}- of hopped-up wildlife... - [glass shatters] 56 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:36,197 {\an8}...all citizens are required to shelter in place. 57 00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:39,533 {\an8}At least until the badgers come down from the Ritalin. 58 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:42,578 Looks like we're having a sleepover. 59 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,955 Boys' night! 60 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:45,957 Yay! 61 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,876 - [door closes] - Nay. 62 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,712 Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti! 63 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,047 [both] Mmm! 64 00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,759 And to wash it down, the pasta water. 65 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,887 - Ooh. - [gags] 66 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,848 You drink the water you boil the noodles in? 67 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,476 Doesn't everyone? [stutters] It's got all the nutrients. 68 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:08,479 I love my "noody" juice. [swallows] 69 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,233 This family sucks. Everything they do is different and wrong. 70 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:15,319 May I be excused to go to the bathroom? 71 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,405 Do you need to winkle or make? 72 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,823 [both] Ew. 73 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:22,577 - [groans] - [growling] 74 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,580 [content creator] Today, I show you how to restore full rotation 75 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:27,998 - on the sprinkler head. - [munches] 76 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,376 Step one, remove splash plate. 77 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,628 Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom? 78 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:36,090 Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed 'cause of my night sweats 79 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:40,719 and night farting and also something I'm too embarrassed to talk about. [munches] 80 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,847 Uh-huh. Can I get one of those saltines? 81 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,140 Have a whole sleeve. 82 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:47,643 I get a 5% employee discount at the cracker factory. 83 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,604 I took that in lieu of the pension. [chuckles] 84 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,190 [munches] Marge won't let me eat crackers in bed 85 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,859 because it makes the bed all crumby. 86 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,694 Oh, man. That's how it starts. 87 00:03:56,695 --> 00:04:00,365 Next thing you know, you can't even take your socks off in your own house. 88 00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:03,827 [Luann] Kirk, socks! 89 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,370 [grumbles] 90 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:12,209 Well, it's been really great having you guys. 91 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,462 We'll finish the jigsaw puzzle next time. 92 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,423 - We got the corners! That's the hard part! - [vehicle departs] 93 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:18,507 [sprinkler clicking] 94 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:21,219 Well, great. Now it does a full rotation. 95 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,931 And they say "winkle" instead of "whiz." Who says "winkle"? 96 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:30,144 We should. I think it's cute. Winkle. [giggles] 97 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,688 [doorbell rings] 98 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,691 Oh, no, it's him. I'm not here. 99 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,154 Oh, hi, Kirk. Are you okay? 100 00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:43,407 You're not looking your most, uh, sheveled. 101 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,075 Yeah, that's because I haven't slept in a week. 102 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:46,952 I couldn't stop thinking about how cracker crumbs 103 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,496 are destroying your marital bed. 104 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:49,955 Who told you that? 105 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,207 - Not me. - Oh, hey, buddy. 106 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,793 I kept wondering about how I could save your sexless marriage, 107 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:57,129 and then some teens dropped candy apples on my car from an overpass. 108 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,798 They weren't all teens. 109 00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,965 I mean, tell us more. 110 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:03,135 When the apples hit my windshield, the glass cracked like a spiderweb 111 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,180 but didn't spray any shards. And that is when I had an epiphany. 112 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,475 I could use that same technology to make a crumbless cracker. 113 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,144 A crumbless cracker? That's madness. 114 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,773 All I had to do was create a new edible polymer and a mouth-safe adhesive. 115 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:18,442 And after working on that for 96 hours straight, 116 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,695 I came up with this. 117 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,030 Take a bite, buddy. 118 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:25,826 [♪ suspenseful music playing] 119 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,669 It broke clean. 120 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:37,712 [thuds] 121 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:44,510 Kirk Van Houten, you did something incredible. 122 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:48,139 No, Homer, we did something incredible. 123 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,104 This is big, man. 124 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,399 It's just hard to wrap my head around the idea of a cracker 125 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,943 that doesn't crumb and a you that doesn't suck. 126 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:01,945 [laughing] 127 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,616 Oh, yeah, I-I used to suck pretty hard, 128 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:10,286 yeah, but you brought me out of it with your brilliant insight. 129 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:13,289 And now... now I need you to take a leap of faith. 130 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,498 I do like faith. 131 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:17,126 It is the best way to get out of thinking about stuff. 132 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:22,673 Quit your job and partner with me in a new, cutting-edge cracker company. 133 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:25,926 Homer? A cracker bro? 134 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:27,387 Let's take a walk. 135 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,638 Picture something for me. 136 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:33,184 Imagine this street is your whole life. 137 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,103 Whoa. 138 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,982 For a while, your existence was pretty good, 139 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,650 but then things got hard 140 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:46,239 and life's crackers began to shower you with their crumbs. 141 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:48,867 The job. 142 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:50,744 The boy. 143 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,246 The hair. 144 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:57,249 All those crumbs you endured were worth it 145 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:01,212 because they led you to a different path. 146 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,800 And after we walk it, you're gonna be a hero 147 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:10,054 to your family... [chuckles] ...and to the world. 148 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:14,017 I wanna share this journey with you because you're a good man. 149 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,226 I love you. 150 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,062 I love you too. 151 00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:23,318 Tell me, do you dare wipe away these starchy particles of shame? 152 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:30,992 Homer, will you join me down this unknown road? 153 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,912 I just have one question. 154 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:38,040 If there's no crumbs, what's that on your shirt? 155 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,250 Dandruff. 156 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:40,877 I'm in. 157 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:47,592 {\an8}Excuse me, sir, would you like to taste the future of bland food? 158 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,135 {\an8}[munches] Mmm. 159 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,805 {\an8}Not bad. And no crumbs. 160 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,432 {\an8}Tonight, I'm gonna have the cleanest beard 161 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,686 {\an8}at the botched meth handoff. 162 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,064 Sisters, you gotta try these. 163 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,817 - Mmm. And no crumbs. - Mmm. 164 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:08,237 It's a crispy habit that won't mess up your habit. 165 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,822 [all] It's a miracle. 166 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,782 [♪ inspirational music playing] 167 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:15,744 Listen up, toilet paper hoarders and hot dog cheapskates. 168 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,247 The cracker revolution is here. 169 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,083 [cheering] 170 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,254 Yums, not crumbs. Yums, not crumbs. 171 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:29,174 [chanting] Yums, not crumbs! Yums, not crumbs! 172 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,761 It's happening! [grunts] 173 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,597 - Ooh. - Oh, my God. 174 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,642 Um, Kirk, as your doctor, I am deeply concerned by your behavior. 175 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,103 [chuckles] I left you a message regarding your-- 176 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:44,440 Not now, Doc. I've gotta change the world. 177 00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,608 And no crumbs. 178 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:48,862 [cheering] 179 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,450 {\an8}[shutter clicks] 180 00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:55,410 [tires screech] 181 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,078 [clinks] Good news. 182 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:02,291 Delta Air Lines just ordered cracker sleeves for their entire fleet. 183 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:08,422 Going crumbless is gonna save them $1.5 million a day in cleaning costs. 184 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:09,798 - [cheering] - All right, Dad. 185 00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,719 Uh, Garçon, how much is your most expensive bottle of wine? 186 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,138 Forty bucks. Snoopy's on the bottle. 187 00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:18,223 Aw, it's not good enough for my friends, 188 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:23,479 which is why I bought this $15,000 bottle at auction. 189 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,980 [all gasp] 190 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,608 Uh, sweetheart, isn't that a little pricey? 191 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,109 Honey, if there's one thing I know, 192 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,781 it's that there will always be enough money for everything forever. 193 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,493 We are eternity. 194 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,662 Nothing goes away. 195 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,249 Dad, you're being a little weird. 196 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,794 Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise. 197 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:50,172 And, Luann, you're just so freaking hot. 198 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:55,845 I wish I was that lobster bib, just so damp and all over you. 199 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,515 Does Kirk seem a little bejazzled? 200 00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,684 [shushes] We're missing his brilliant insights. 201 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:06,939 Oh, I just love the feeling of your sweat touching my sweat. 202 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,191 [moans] 203 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:12,611 Oh... Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. 204 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,279 Oh, let me get a better look at you, baby. 205 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,698 - Come here, come here. - [table creaks] 206 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:18,992 - Be careful! - [gasps] Honey, please. 207 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:22,162 Oh, come on, baby. Shake your Milhouse maker. 208 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:26,959 I wanna bang the whole world! 209 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,839 Sixteen, 17, 18, 19... 210 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,548 Amazing. 211 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,008 I don't know what's happening with Mr. Van Houten. 212 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,802 It's like he's on something. 213 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,679 More like he's off something. 214 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,431 You see, Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder, 215 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:44,017 and he ran out of his meds during the pharmaceutical shortage 216 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,396 caused by that horribly ill-advised wildlife crossing. 217 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,730 [whimpers] 218 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:52,442 And when the drug supply returned, Kirk refused to go back on his meds 219 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:56,155 because he felt like, quote, "Superman surfing a hurricane." 220 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:59,741 I'm afraid your friend is now well into a manic phase. 221 00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:03,495 Um, Dr. Hibbert, should you be telling us all this? 222 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:07,541 Probably not, but I just had five mac-and-cheeseball martinis. 223 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:11,128 I guess doctor-patient confidentiality doesn't stand a chance 224 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,671 against deep-fried gin. 225 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,550 [giggles] I feel terrible. 226 00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:20,596 He needs to get back on his medication. Kirk has a serious illness. 227 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:24,433 Marge, you just had a $3,000 glass of wine. 228 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,185 How is that an illness? 229 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,811 Yeah, Kirk rules. 230 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:31,064 He's like the Joker in those awesome Batman movies where there's no Batman. 231 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,983 According to the DSM-5, 232 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:36,945 "Bipolar disorder type one causes periods of up, elated behavior 233 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,324 followed by down periods of despair and hopelessness." 234 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,408 Guys, wait up! 235 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,036 I-I need to tell you something. 236 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,999 Thank you for coming, buddy. [grunts] Really appreciate it. 237 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:52,170 I don't even live in this direction! [chuckles] 238 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,547 - [waves lapping] - [birds chirping] 239 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,633 [doorbell rings] 240 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,720 Hi, Luann. I wanted to talk about Kirk's behavior last night. 241 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:05,140 It seemed a little, uh, unmedicated? 242 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,351 Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder." 243 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,938 It turns out there's a cure: money. 244 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,606 That'll be all, Cashington. 245 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:14,483 But aren't you worried that-- 246 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:18,362 That I won't be able to keep him sexually satisfied? Of course I am. 247 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,739 We've made love four times today. 248 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:24,284 Five if you count the time he took me at Panera Bread. 249 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:26,203 Why wouldn't you count that one? 250 00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:30,249 Listen, Marge, I know you're only here because you wanna sleep with Kirk. 251 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,000 I do not. 252 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,085 Really? 253 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,588 He just became a minority owner of the Calgary Flames. 254 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,715 Oh, they haven't been good for years. 255 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:42,594 Aren't you at least worried about how this could affect Milhouse? 256 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,681 [chuckles] Look at me. I'm Daddy. 257 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,932 [grunting] 258 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,141 - [screams] - [crashes] 259 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,019 [chuckles] That's going to be the boarding school's problem. 260 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,521 {\an8}[presenter] You're watching CNBC: 261 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:55,274 {\an8}The Crackers, Nothing but Crackers Network. 262 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,984 {\an8}I'm Harper Poppyseed, 263 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,361 {\an8}- and this is Crunch Time: Live. - [munches] 264 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:03,323 {\an8}Today, we talk with the genius behind the crumbless cracker, Kirk Van Houten, 265 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,367 {\an8}and his cofounder, Homer Simpson. 266 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:09,621 {\an8}Your Kirkers brand now controls 6% of the national saltine market. 267 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,290 {\an8}What are your plans for expansion? 268 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,041 {\an8}We don't have a plan for expansion. 269 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,751 {\an8}We have a plan for domination. 270 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,670 {\an8}I eat skyscrapers. 271 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:19,548 {\an8}Um, what my colleague is saying is that we have a plan 272 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,675 {\an8}for measured steady growth. 273 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,802 {\an8}What is this thing? I hate it. 274 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,387 {\an8}Do you mean the stock ticker? 275 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,681 {\an8}Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its. [chuckles] 276 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:31,643 {\an8}Oh, those cheddar chumps turned me down for a job seven years ago. 277 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,396 {\an8}Hey, Zits, tell me how ma butt tastes. 278 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,982 {\an8}Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for joining us. 279 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:40,986 {\an8}Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say your product is not all it's crack-- 280 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,779 {\an8}We really gonna talk about crackers 281 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,115 {\an8}when humanity is on the verge of extinction... 282 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,909 {\an8}[chuckling] ...and I am the only one who can save us? 283 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,411 {\an8}[scoffs] Excuse me? 284 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,955 {\an8}Once temperatures on the Earth's surface become lethal, 285 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,833 {\an8}we need to transport citizens to the ocean floor 286 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,835 {\an8}using a high-speed aquatic rocket. 287 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,587 {\an8}Ooh. Oh, my God. 288 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:03,675 Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted over 60% since the start of our interview. 289 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:08,555 And humanity needs to plummet 2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor. 290 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,058 Fund the aqua rocket now. 291 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,478 Oh... It's no longer safe for me to be here. 292 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,146 [yells] Ow. 293 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,982 It's not a real city. 294 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,359 Homer, I don't feel so good. 295 00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,743 Hey, buddy. What you doing? 296 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,162 Checking the weather. 297 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,082 "Gray and cloudy." Refresh. 298 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:37,001 "Gray and cloudy." Refresh. 299 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,922 You know how some people think you're something called "bipolar"? 300 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:45,509 Not me, but this might be the other pole. 301 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,679 I think I'm gonna stop brushing my teeth. 302 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,100 This is the FBI. We have a warrant. 303 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,854 Why is the FBI here? 304 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,066 Uh, because I stole money from the cracker company 305 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,567 to fund the aqua rocket, 306 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:06,196 and now we're being investigated by the SEC. 307 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,865 [gasps] The Salty Edibles Commission? 308 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,909 - No. No, no, no! - [sniffs] 309 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,204 Mmm, my hand smells like cheese. 310 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,705 [Marge] What the hell is happening? 311 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:18,250 Well, Kirk has been stealing money from the company 312 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,086 to fund an underwater super boat that doesn't exist. 313 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,088 Well, everyone is terrified. 314 00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:26,550 As soon as the FBI came in, Bart ran upstairs. 315 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,593 Not the feds, not the feds. 316 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,971 [toilet flushes] 317 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:34,266 You know how I was warning you about how Kirk was bipolar? 318 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,769 I was the one... [stammers] You-You didn't... [grunts] 319 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,772 It's okay. It's okay. I forgive you. 320 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,899 I have a plan to make everything right. 321 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,734 What could you possibly do? 322 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,070 I've gotta take the fall for Kirk's crimes. 323 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,906 Our family's in ruins! 324 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:53,910 No, no. Look, if Kirk goes to jail, the cracker company is worthless. 325 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,914 But if I confess, our shares in the business will make us rich. 326 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,041 No amount of money can fix this. 327 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:01,751 Not even this much? 328 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,129 Not even th... [gasps] 329 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,506 I-I-I still don't think you should do it. 330 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:09,217 Oh, there's another zero. [inhales deeply] 331 00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,929 It doesn't matter. Promise me you won't take the fall for Kirk. 332 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:16,934 Okay, I promise. I'll think of another way. 333 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:21,146 [Homer] Dearest Marge, I couldn't think of another way. 334 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,440 - [gasps] - [Homer] Please try not to gasp. 335 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:26,568 I'll be okay. They'll send me to a white-collar prison 336 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,863 that probably has lots of DVDs in their DVD library. 337 00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:34,202 Kiss Lisa and Maggie and strangle the boy for me. Love, Homer. 338 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,831 ♪ When your day is long ♪ 339 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,752 ♪ And at night ♪ 340 00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,839 ♪ At night, you snack alone ♪ 341 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,972 ♪ When you're sure your hunger's gone ♪ 342 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,226 ♪ For this life ♪ 343 00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,355 ♪ Well, hang on ♪ 344 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:10,321 ♪ Don't let yourself choke ♪ 345 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:18,496 ♪ Just because your mouth is dry ♪ 346 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,962 ♪ Everybody Kirks ♪ 347 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:30,132 ♪ Crumb times ♪ 348 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:37,598 ♪ Well, everybody Kirks ♪ 349 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,725 ♪ At crumb times ♪ 350 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,689 ♪ When crackers taste like lies ♪ 351 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,905 ♪ Everybody Kirks ♪ 352 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,742 ♪ So munch on ♪ 353 00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,412 ♪ Munch on ♪ 354 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:05,251 ♪ Everybody Kirks ♪ 355 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,545 Munch on, Kirk. 356 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:09,338 [♪ music stops] 357 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,882 I need to talk to your husband now. 358 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,136 Oh, look. Kitty needs her ball of yarn. 359 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,222 I see you wore your sluttiest dress. 360 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,433 Whatever. Where is he? 361 00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:26,354 Oh, Kirk, I know you're not to blame for this depression, and I'm sorry. 362 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,189 [groans] 363 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:31,109 But Homer is... Stop eating turkey! 364 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,445 Blech. 365 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,362 Wake up. 366 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,531 [gasps, screaming] 367 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:39,827 Kirk, you're only supposed to use the pool shower. 368 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,496 Sad, Marge. Just sad. 369 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:47,125 Homer is on his way to confess to your crimes. 370 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,961 You have to go to the FBI and tell them the truth. 371 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,464 Milhouse is crying on me. 372 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:57,052 Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills. God love him, but he's so unethical. 373 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,471 If you take these, you'll feel better. 374 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,223 But no one likes me when I'm regular Kirk. 375 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,727 When I stopped taking my meds, everyone liked me. 376 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:06,853 I didn't. 377 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:11,484 But if you ever cared about your friendship with Homer, take this. 378 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,153 [Kirk swallows] 379 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,530 Homer's been gone for so long. 380 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,115 There's no time to catch up to him 381 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:22,035 before he confesses and my family is destroyed. 382 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:25,955 Whoa. Yes, there is. The-The aqua rocket. 383 00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:32,003 There is no aqua rocket. It only exists in your manic, psychotic mind. 384 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,630 [♪ suspenseful music playing] 385 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:36,008 [screams] 386 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,224 This is incredible. 387 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,267 Oh, I couldn't even get the color right. 388 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,605 The missiles don't even work. I'm so stupid. 389 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,775 [engine revs] 390 00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:57,987 Is this what being manic feels like? 391 00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,155 Yeah. 392 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,075 Now I get it. 393 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,330 Aqua rocket? 394 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:14,254 But I can't let you go to jail. The world needs you. I need you. 395 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:18,341 The person you need is Manic Kirk, and he's gone. 396 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:22,345 But we were going to walk down the unknown road together. 397 00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:26,308 Hey, hey. We'll always have Cracker Con Cleveland. 398 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:35,860 Kirk, never forget. You are the best dude. 399 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,280 [♪ uplifting music plays] 400 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,745 [♪ "Superman" playing] 401 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:51,666 ♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪ 402 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,171 ♪ And I know what's happening ♪ 403 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:03,595 {\an8}♪ If you go a million miles away ♪ 404 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:07,432 {\an8}♪ I'll track you down, girl ♪ 405 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,893 {\an8}♪ Trust me when I say ♪ 406 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:13,980 {\an8}♪ I know the pathway to your heart ♪ 407 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:18,818 {\an8}♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪ 408 00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:22,531 {\an8}♪ And I know what's happening ♪ 409 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:29,287 {\an8}♪ I am, I am, I am Superman ♪ 410 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:33,000 {\an8}♪ And I can do anything ♪ 411 00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:39,048 {\an8}[♪ song ends]