♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
-Aah! -(tires screech)
TV HOST: Okay, the capital of North Dakota
is named after what German ruler?
-Hitler! -Hitler, North Dakota?
-Bismarck. -TV CONTESTANT: Bismarck
Hitler?!
Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.
Okay, the colors of the Italian flag
are red, white and what?
-Blue! Orange! Red! Purple! -Yellow! Black!
Black! Green!
-TV CONTESTANT: Green. -I was right!
TV HOST: Okay, we'll be right back
with more Grade School Challenge,
after this important message.
I used to think that losing my hair
was as inevitable as the tides.
Then I found out about Dimoxinil
the new miracle breakthrough in hair regrowth.
(gasps) Miracle breakthrough?
There's been a miracle breakthrough?!
The odds are Dimoxinil can help me grow
as much or as little hair as I want to.
Hey, today I'm going to do it.
ANNOUNCER: For your free brochure, send five dollars to Dimoxinil
485 Hair Plaza, Hair City, Utah.
Hair. Hair.
Just like everybody else.
You know, some women find bald men quite virile.
Marge, weren't you listening?
This is a miracle breakthrough
not one of these cheap-o, sucker deals.
Allow me to present the Dimoxinil action set in its entirety.
A six-month supply of the drug,
the gravity boots,
scalp massager,
and your t-shirt.
Great, great, great. How much? How much? How much?
$1,000.
A thousand bucks?!
I can't afford that.
Well, we do have a product
which is more in your price range.
However, I must assure you that any hair growth
you experience while using it
will be purely coincidental.
A thousand bucks...
Of all the rip-off
screw job, gyp joint...
(cries) Forget you, pal.
Thanks for nothing.
(sobbing)
So I say, "Forget you, pal!
Thanks for nothing!"
and I stormed right out of there.
Ha! That's telling him, Homer.
D'oh! I'm out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion?
Hey, Lenny, are you going to use all of your tartar sauce?
Dry fish sticks. This sucks.
Quit complaining, chrome dome.
Oh! If I had hair,
you wouldn't be calling me that.
LENNY: Homer, don't be a sap all of your life.
Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively.
Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.
But it's a thousand bucks.
Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
Ooh, a thousand bucks! So what?
To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.
Yeah. Besides, you pay money into the insurance fund every week.
What do you ever get out of it?
Nothing. Well, that newsletter.
Exactly. Why should you get nothing
while some guy who loses a finger hits the jackpot?
You got me.
Uh, I'd like to charge that Dimoxinil stuff
to my health insurance.
Look buddy, I don't know who put you up to this
but no insurance plan in this state
covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil.
(radio blasting)
Meet me in the alley in 15 minutes.
Come alone.
(humming)
Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
(yawning)
(gargling)
(swishing)
(humming)
(gasping)
I have hair. I have hair!
Look! Look!
Good morning, Springfield!
Good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Winfield!
Why don't you get a haircut, you hippie!
Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
Hey, it's the president.
Good morning, everybody!
ALL: Good morning.
Good morning, everybody! Good morning, Springfield!
-Dimoxinil! -Dimoxinil!
(jubilant laughter)
(gasping)
(laughter)
(tires screech)
Well, Homer Simpson.
Why-why-why, you haven't been here in 20 years.
Hey, you got rid of the sideburns.
(chuckling) Give me the usual.
MARGE: He's much happier at work
and, well, just between us girls
well, he hasn't been this frisky in years.
I don't want to think about it.
HOMER: Daddy's home, Sugar.
(giggling and cooing)
HOMER: Come here, you.
MARGE: Ooh! Oh, Homie, my sisters are here.
HOMER: Ah, dinner with three beautiful women.
I must be in heaven.
This is Homer? Oh, my.
Patty, stop drooling.
Heh. Look who's talking.
Hey, there's something's different about you, Homer.
Did you lose some weight?
Yeah, you look like you got a tan or something.
I know what it is. A new tie.
(Homer laughing)
BURNS: Morons, pathetic morons in my employ,
stealing my precious money.
This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
It's in the union contract, sir.
One token promotion from within per year.
Wait! Who is that young go-getter?
SMITHERS: Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson
only more dynamic and resourceful.
Simpson, huh? Hmm.
An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image.
Our new junior executive.
Bring him to me!
SMITHERS (on P.A.): Attention! Homer Simpson.
You have been promoted. You are now an executive.
Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends
and report to room 503 for reassignment
to a better life.
Well, your resume seems in order.
Besides typing and stuff
do you have any other qualifications I should know about?
I give great back rubs to harried executives.
Here, let me show you.
Uh, no, no. That'll be fine.
Thank you. Good-bye.
HOMER: Hello?
Hello, Homie.
How's my big, important executive?
Oh Marge, every woman I interview
for the secretary job makes kissy faces at me.
Hmm...
Hello, Mr. Simpson. I'm Karl.
He sounds good. Hire him.
-I'll call ya' back, Marge. -Simpson.
Meeting in the board room tomorrow at 2:00.
Just sit there and keep your mouth shut, got it?
Yes, Mr. Smithers.
He thinks he's so big.
-You don't belong here. -Huh?
You don't belong here.
You're a fraud, and a phony,
and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
-(gasps) Who told you? -You did.
You told me with the way you slump your shoulders.
The way you talk into your chest.
The way you smother yourself
in bargain basement lime green polyester.
I want you to say to yourself
"I deserve this."
"I love it."
"I am nature's greatest miracle."
Go ahead, say it.
-I-I deser... -Trust me, Homer.
-I-- Uh... -Take a step and say it!
I... deserve this.
-Louder! -I deserve this!
-Shout it! -I am nature's greatest miracle!
I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
You've got it, buddy!
Let's go shopping!
(gasps) Ooh... beauty.
A man's suit
should make him feel like a prince.
It should cry out to the world, "Here I am."
"Don't judge me. Love me."
Do any of these suits do that?
No.
Woo! I like this.
No, no, no, stand naturally, Mr. Simpson.
Let it all hang out.
You, conceal it.
(Marge humming)
Mom and Dad have been smooching again.
Got to run, Marge. Can't be late!
Happy Anniversary, Homer.
What? Our anniversary? Are you sure?
Well, don't worry, Homie.
This year you have an excuse for not remembering
-what with your job and-- -(knock on door)
Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Homer Simpson!
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ to me, yeah ♪
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ to me ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
-Oh, Homer. -(telephone rings)
-Hello? -Mr. Simpson, it's Karl.
Ah, it sounds like everything has arrived.
-Wonderful. -You did this?
Yes, sir. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds.
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ to me ♪
I love you, Homer!
I love you, Karl-- Uh, Marge.
Proceed, Smithers.
Our first issue, sir,
is our low productivity
and record-high worker accident rate.
Guh! Any suggestions?
A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
Hmm, well, those are my ideas!
You people don't think, you regurgitate!
That's why I promoted someone who's in touch with the workers.
-You. -I think you mean him, sir.
You then. How would you improve the workers' situation?
Well, I-- Well, sir, for one thing,
we had a problem every Tuesday
when the cafeteria would serve fish sticks.
Fish sticks! What in blazes are you talking about?
Well sir, they cut the head off the fish
and chop up the rest into sticks and then put seasoned bread crumbs--
I know what fish sticks are! Get to the point!
Well, you only get this tiny
little cup of tartar sauce to dip 'em in and I always run out.
Will you stop wasting our time, Simpson?
Shut up, Smithers.
Can't you see what he's saying?
A happy worker is a busy worker.
Three cents' worth of tartar sauce
could save us thousands of man-hours in labor.
I like the cut of your jib, Simpson.
Let the fools have their tartar sauce.
HOMER: Enjoy your tartar sauce, boys. Enjoy!
Give me your plates. Don't crowd.
Plenty for everybody!
Hmm, brilliant.
Who could ever have imagined that Simpson's sweeping reforms
would pay off so quickly?
You know sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number
that Simpson himself has known or suspected to have caused last month.
And our output level was just as high
during Simpson's last vacation.
My dear, tired old Smithers...
do I detect a note of jealousy?
(laughing)
It is time.
Give Simpson... the key.
KARL: Mr. Simpson don't sit on that filthy thing one second longer.
They've given you... the key.
HOMER (gasps): The key?!
-He's got the key. -Who's got the key?
(all gasping)
(bird chirping)
KARL: Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
(toilet flushes)
Oh! Hey, ho, men.
You know I was watching the Dumont last night
and I happened to catch a fascinating documentary
on Rommel, The Desert Fox.
Now there's a man who could get things done.
Towel, please, Simpson.
-Allow me, sir. -I said Simpson.
Uh... sure thing, Mr. Burns.
Well done, Simpson.
Now walk behind me down the hallway.
Can do, sir.
SMITHERS: Hmm.
"$1,000?
"Dimoxinil?
Keep brain from freezing?"
Now I've got you, Simpson.
(laughing)
MARGE: Hmm Homer, between your hair care products and new wardrobe
we're not saving anything for a rainy day.
Rainy day! There's never going to be a rainy day, Marge.
There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky.
And what does my little girl want?
An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
Uh... how about a pony?
Okay.
BURNS: I want you to weave
that patented Simpson magic with my executives.
A short speech. Work, work, work. You know.
Uh, well, okay. What the hey?
Excellent. Set you to your task, Simpson.
Hmm. Uh, Mr. Burns, it is my sad duty
to report that one of your executives
has bilked the company insurance plan out of $1,000.
What? Blast his hide to Hades!
Ooh! and I was going to buy that ivory back scratcher.
How did he do it?
He charged the company for Dimoxinil.
It's a baldness cure.
Thank you very much, professor science.
I know what Dimoxinil is.
Now, go and make an example of this hooligan.
With pleasure, sir.
Karl, you got to help me. Mr. Burns wants me
to make some speech to his executives, and--
-Ahem. -What do you want?
Oh, just thought I'd drop by
-to tell you that you're fired. -What?
Our company does not look kindly upon $1,000
worth of insurance fraud.
Clean out your desk by noon, Simpson.
(moans)
Wait, Mr. Smithers. Homer Simpson is innocent.
I did this.
-You did? -What are you talking about?
Mr. Simpson was unaware of any impropriety.
I take full responsibility.
Really? Oh.
Well, then... you're fired, whoever you are.
Here's your $1,000.
(groans) Hey, what do you care if this guy's bald?
My reasons... are my own.
Karl, you saved me. Why?
Have I done something extraordinary here today?
No. I did what I was born to do.
What any good soldier would have done
when a live grenade threatened his commander.
I threw myself upon it and bore its terrible brunt.
Oh, thanks, Karl.
I don't know what to say.
Just walk me to my car.
Bye, Karl. I'm going to miss you.
Bye, Mr. Simpson.
Oh, Mr. Simpson, did you bring an umbrella today?
D'oh! No.
Here.
(Karl sneezes)
Okay, okay, okay, you're broke. You're flat broke.
You don't have Karl anymore. He's not here, but you've got your hair.
That's right. It's all about hair.
Oh, that big speech.
(thunder rumbles)
Oh-ho.
BART: Hey, what's happening, hep cats?
-No way! -It's gotta be a fake.
It's like realsville, Daddy-o. Heh.
Bart! What are you doing?
Uh-oh.
-Aah! -Aah!
-Why, you little... -Uh-oh.
-(growls) -(Bart screaming)
(Homer shouting incoherently)
Aah!
Boy... must... die!
I love you, Dad.
D'oh! Dirty trick.
Okay. I'm not gonna kill you,
but I'm going to tell you three things
that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days.
You've ruined your father.
You've crippled your family,
and baldness is hereditary.
It is?!
(sobbing)
Oh, Homer, why don't you just call the pharmacy and--
I don't have 1,000 bucks!
But you do, don't you, Marge? You do. You do.
You've been squirreling it away, haven't you?
Saving it for a rainy day, that's what you've said, right, right, right?
Homer!
(sobbing)
Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.
Oh, Homie, I'm so sorry.
(shuddering sigh)
Got that big speech in five minutes, Simpson, huh?
You're not going to hang yourself, are you?
D'oh!
Huh?
KARL: "Dear Mr. Simpson
"I've taken the liberty of preparing your speech
"on the enclosed numbered three-by-five cards.
"all the big words are spelled...
"pho-en-ne-net-tically.
"God bless you.
"You are one of Springfield's very special creatures.
Your obedient servant, Karl."
Good luck, sir.
Ah! Karl.
So that wasn't just a sweet voice
I heard inside my head. What are you doing here?
I just came to say good-bye to the gals in the typing pool.
Yeah, well. Thanks for the speech, Karl
but I can't give it. Look at me.
I guess I haven't taught you anything.
-What do you mean? -Don't you see?
The tartar sauce, the bathroom key,
drying your boss's hands.
You did it all. It was never the hair.
You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.
No, I can't. I'm just a big fool.
-Oh no, you're not. -How do you know?
Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool.
Karl.
Now go get them, tiger.
(growls)
And now, with some fresh insights,
one of the rising young stars of our nuclear family,
Homer Simpson.
(applause)
What in blazes? Who is that old geezer?
And what has he done with Homer Simpson?
He is Homer Simpson, sir.
(clears throat)
Uh, a lot of you
would think I was crazy if I did this.
He's crazy!
Yet we at this power plant
are doing this every hour of every day.
Bloated inventories, outmoded production methods.
I can save this company millions of dollars a year.
How? Through Jiko Kandri
the Japanese art of self-management.
This bald man has no ideas.
If this is a joke, I'm not laughing.
Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant.
He doesn't even have hair.
...inefficiently mining uranium
that can be purchased quite cheaply on the foreign markets.
The long-term benefits
more than offsetting the one-time cost
for a net savings of five thousand, two...
(mumbling)
...lots of money.
Mr. Burns' office. Right now.
Dead man coming through.
MR. BURNS: Well, well, well
our dashing young "junior" executive.
You made a hollow mockery of our morning meeting, Simpson.
I should fire you on the spot.
But... I'm not going to.
Uh, why?
Simpsons, how old do you think I am?
I don't know. 102?
I'm only 81.
You may find this hard to believe
but in my salad days, my crowning glory
was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.
Oh, I was big man on campus until my senior year,
when I became as bald as a plucked chicken.
You see, Simpson
I, too, know the sting of male pattern baldness.
That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
What? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now get out of here before I reconsider.
Oh. Better hurry up.
(Homer mumbling)
Homer, are you still awake?
I've never been more awake in my life.
What's wrong?
Are you kidding?
I'm stuck in that dead-end job again.
The kids are going to hate me
'cause I can't buy 'em all that stuff I promised them,
and you're not going to love me as much
'cause I'm ugly and bald.
Oh, Homer.
Your job has always put food on our table
and the kids will get over it.
And?
And what about loving me?
Oh, Homer, I--
-Come here. -Why?
-Come here. -Oh.
♪ You are so beautiful to me ♪
♪ Can't you see? ♪
Aw.
♪ You're everything that I hope for ♪
♪ I'm everything you need ♪
-♪ You are so beautiful ♪ -♪ I am so beautiful ♪
-♪ to me ♪ -♪ to you ♪
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.