1 00:00:01,792 --> 00:00:02,750 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:02,834 --> 00:00:05,333 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:09,625 --> 00:00:10,750 (shrieks) 4 00:00:13,667 --> 00:00:15,500 (writing on the board) 5 00:00:15,917 --> 00:00:18,542 (school bell rings) 6 00:00:20,166 --> 00:00:21,041 (grunts) 7 00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:27,792 (playing lively music) 8 00:00:29,875 --> 00:00:30,917 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,083 D'oh! 10 00:00:35,792 --> 00:00:36,667 (grunts) 11 00:00:37,792 --> 00:00:39,750 (theme to Succession playing) 12 00:01:08,834 --> 00:01:10,917 None of you will inherit anything. 13 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,166 Because there isn't any. 14 00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:16,208 (grunts) 15 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,125 D'oh. 16 00:01:24,875 --> 00:01:27,000 Previously on The Simpsons, 17 00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:29,959 a charismatic new preacher came to Springfield. 18 00:01:30,041 --> 00:01:31,041 You want to hold my gun? 19 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,917 You-you can. (chuckles) 20 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,208 BROCKMAN: And Lisa admired him 21 00:01:34,291 --> 00:01:36,458 like no adult man she'd ever met. 22 00:01:36,542 --> 00:01:39,166 This brunch has turned into... 23 00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:40,792 a jazz brunch! 24 00:01:41,917 --> 00:01:42,917 BROCKMAN: Reverend Lovejoy 25 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,417 lost his job and swore revenge. 26 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,417 This is... 27 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,667 Warrin' Priests Part Two. 28 00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:52,375 (music playing) 29 00:02:03,208 --> 00:02:04,917 (music in church) 30 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,709 Hmm? 31 00:02:07,959 --> 00:02:10,583 - (tires screeching) - (Jimbo laughing) 32 00:02:11,750 --> 00:02:12,834 - (overlapping chatter) - This preacher is so amazing. 33 00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:14,667 I'm looking forward to this. 34 00:02:14,959 --> 00:02:17,041 This is the first time I've come to church 35 00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:19,125 when it's not part of a big montage 36 00:02:19,208 --> 00:02:21,667 of my enemies being whacked. 37 00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,041 Whoa! Hey! Whoa! 38 00:02:23,583 --> 00:02:26,458 Well, someone looks awfully nice for church. 39 00:02:26,542 --> 00:02:27,542 Oh, this thing? 40 00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:29,333 Are you sure you aren't just attracted 41 00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,542 to our handsome new pastor? 42 00:02:31,625 --> 00:02:35,792 Silly. Moms aren't attracted to pastors. (chuckles) 43 00:02:37,208 --> 00:02:39,875 Oh, this place is so crowded. 44 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,750 My leg is touching Milhouse's dad's. 45 00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:45,542 Looks like we're knee neighbors, huh, buddy? 46 00:02:45,625 --> 00:02:46,959 (whimpers) 47 00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:48,583 Mr. Smithers. 48 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:51,166 I don't think I've ever seen you without Mr. Burns. 49 00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:55,000 Oh, Mr. Burns is more comfortable at home reading his copies of the scriptures. 50 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:01,083 "Blessed be the poor"? 51 00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:02,917 I'm just finding this out now? 52 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,166 No one must know. 53 00:03:09,166 --> 00:03:10,750 Exodus. 54 00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:13,667 - Good morning. - ALL: Good morning. 55 00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:15,917 For those of you interested in the Packers game... 56 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,500 We don't want to know. 57 00:03:17,583 --> 00:03:20,333 So, I know some of you still have some questions about me. 58 00:03:20,458 --> 00:03:21,792 I certainly do. 59 00:03:21,875 --> 00:03:24,458 Will you be godfather to my son? 60 00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:26,166 (chuckles) We're not there yet, Mel. 61 00:03:26,250 --> 00:03:29,417 But, seriously, fewer and fewer people are coming to church. 62 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,000 Numbers are declining. And I get it. 63 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:34,083 When you tell people that you believe in God, 64 00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:35,417 usually they take that to mean 65 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,583 that you're quietly judging their lifestyle 66 00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,417 or think everybody but you is going to Hell. 67 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,083 Way to preach, bitch. 68 00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:43,959 I'm gonna pretend I heard "amen." 69 00:03:44,041 --> 00:03:45,417 Oh, relax, bitch. 70 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,750 (groans) 71 00:03:47,834 --> 00:03:50,041 The original function of religion 72 00:03:50,125 --> 00:03:52,166 was to bring us together. "Religion." 73 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:53,917 "Ligio," like "ligament." 74 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,667 It means to reconnect. 75 00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:58,458 They don't teach you that at medical school. 76 00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,625 Yes, they do. 77 00:03:59,709 --> 00:04:01,917 Well, I learn from my mistakes. 78 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:04,875 Malpractice makes malperfect. 79 00:04:04,959 --> 00:04:06,875 Well, I want to bring us all together. 80 00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:09,500 Not just Christians but Hindus and Buddhists. 81 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,041 Even those that don't believe. 82 00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,959 Does anyone besides me 83 00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:14,875 miss church the way it was? 84 00:04:14,959 --> 00:04:17,500 (crickets chirping) 85 00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:19,667 (sighs) Well, the crickets agree. 86 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:21,792 WE SAID NO! 87 00:04:21,875 --> 00:04:25,166 This church has gone from a place of warm, awkward silence 88 00:04:25,250 --> 00:04:29,041 into a gooey lovefest run by a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo, 89 00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:31,041 and I will not stand for it. 90 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:33,000 You and I believe in the same God. 91 00:04:33,083 --> 00:04:35,417 I just believe that that God loves everyone. 92 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:36,875 You don't agree with that, Ned? 93 00:04:36,959 --> 00:04:39,208 Sir, we are not on a first-name basis. 94 00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:40,417 Mr. Flanders. 95 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,250 You may call me New Evangelical Deacon, 96 00:04:43,291 --> 00:04:44,333 or Ned for short. 97 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:47,125 Okay, Ned, look, God is the love, 98 00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,458 the "yes" that set the universe in motion. 99 00:04:49,542 --> 00:04:50,834 He or She... 100 00:04:50,917 --> 00:04:52,166 (sighs) 101 00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:56,041 Maybe this time. 102 00:04:57,083 --> 00:04:59,125 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 103 00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:00,834 ♪ I'll believe it ♪ 104 00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:05,166 ♪ Maybe this time I'll pray ♪ 105 00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:12,917 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 106 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,083 ♪ For the first time ♪ 107 00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:16,583 ♪ I'll have fun ♪ 108 00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:19,500 ♪ On Sunday ♪ 109 00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:28,041 ♪ He will sermonize ♪ 110 00:05:29,208 --> 00:05:32,417 ♪ With those hazel eyes ♪ 111 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,500 ♪ I've got Buddha ♪ 112 00:05:36,583 --> 00:05:38,709 ♪ I've got science ♪ 113 00:05:38,792 --> 00:05:43,041 ♪ And now Jesus makes three ♪ 114 00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:46,000 ♪ It's gonna happen ♪ 115 00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:48,208 ♪ Happen sometime ♪ 116 00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:51,291 ♪ Maybe this time ♪ 117 00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:55,834 ♪ I'll pray ♪ 118 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:01,709 Not bad, kid. Also not good. 119 00:06:01,792 --> 00:06:04,125 Let me show you how it's done. And a one, and a two. 120 00:06:04,208 --> 00:06:05,166 Hey! 121 00:06:05,250 --> 00:06:07,458 (grunting) 122 00:06:07,542 --> 00:06:09,917 Aw, sleeping in church. 123 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,500 Like father like daughter. 124 00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:15,500 God is nothing but grace and flow and forgiveness. 125 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:18,291 And if you don't think so, I-I don't know, maybe you should go back 126 00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:20,041 and read the Bible a little bit closer. 127 00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:22,792 Are you questioning a man who travels with extra Bibles 128 00:06:22,875 --> 00:06:24,458 to put them in hotel rooms? 129 00:06:26,625 --> 00:06:28,625 Do you mind? 130 00:06:28,709 --> 00:06:29,917 I'm sure you're very sincere, 131 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,709 but a parrot can recite the Bible 132 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,458 and have no idea what it means. 133 00:06:33,542 --> 00:06:34,875 What? What? What? 134 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:36,500 This isn't church anymore. 135 00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:37,458 We're out of here. 136 00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:44,959 Daddy, we can't leave before the pastor says so. 137 00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:47,000 - Who told you that? - You did. 138 00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:49,333 You call it "Homer Simpson-ing." 139 00:06:49,417 --> 00:06:50,500 (groans) 140 00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:52,834 Yeah, don't Homer Simpson, you jerk. 141 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,458 (tires screeching) 142 00:07:01,417 --> 00:07:03,500 This is where he got fired. 143 00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:04,834 Now we're gonna poke 144 00:07:04,917 --> 00:07:08,458 into Mr. Perfect Pastor's pysterious past. 145 00:07:08,542 --> 00:07:10,500 Did you just say "pysterious"? 146 00:07:10,583 --> 00:07:12,792 Can't you be on my side for once? 147 00:07:22,291 --> 00:07:24,375 Excuse me, we're looking for the pastor. 148 00:07:24,458 --> 00:07:27,000 Oh, we don't have pastors. But our touch screen directory 149 00:07:27,083 --> 00:07:29,041 does have a digital assistant. 150 00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:31,500 (male voice) Hi, I'm Holy Cow. 151 00:07:31,583 --> 00:07:33,375 How can I help you? 152 00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:37,166 Please give us your fingerprint by pressing this screen. 153 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:38,834 (laughs) 154 00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:41,709 You haven't pressed anything. 155 00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:42,750 Why not? 156 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,333 I'd like to speak to someone below God and above you. 157 00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:53,709 Well, maybe you can find what you need in here. 158 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,709 How many of you suffer from the effects of mesothelioma? 159 00:07:57,792 --> 00:08:00,792 Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho, 160 00:08:00,875 --> 00:08:03,083 ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho. 161 00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:06,500 (applause and cheering) 162 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,625 (shrieking) 163 00:08:14,166 --> 00:08:15,625 Please help us. 164 00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,834 This man is a fellow clergyman. 165 00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:18,750 Really? 166 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,375 BOTH: Church, steeple, doors, people! 167 00:08:23,458 --> 00:08:25,166 Come with me. 168 00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:27,000 - (knocking) - Preacher Mac? 169 00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,959 I have a couple here to see you. 170 00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,750 I'm here to discuss a matter of some unpleasantness. 171 00:08:32,834 --> 00:08:35,709 You're not here from The Boston Globe, are you? 172 00:08:35,792 --> 00:08:37,750 No, no, no, no, no. I'm a pastor, too. 173 00:08:38,041 --> 00:08:41,041 I hear there's a little dirt on the collar of a man 174 00:08:41,125 --> 00:08:44,375 who used to preach here, Bode Wright. 175 00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:46,125 Him? 176 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,792 You better sit down. 177 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:52,041 It's a short story, but I'm gonna milk it. 178 00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:57,500 I would go on, but I am down to my last vocal cord. 179 00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,417 Even for a pastor, 180 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:03,583 I've taken way too long to make a simple point. 181 00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:07,125 Now... here's the proof. 182 00:09:10,208 --> 00:09:12,667 Oh, my God, so many singles in my area 183 00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:13,917 want to meet me. 184 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,250 Hmm. 185 00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,250 Possessions don't matter, 186 00:09:19,333 --> 00:09:22,667 money doesn't matter, this doesn't matter. 187 00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:25,583 Is he burning what I think he's burning? 188 00:09:25,667 --> 00:09:27,125 I've got him now. 189 00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:36,333 Lisa Marie Simpson, are you reading the Bible? 190 00:09:36,417 --> 00:09:38,834 Yes, it's good, but... 191 00:09:38,917 --> 00:09:40,291 I have a few notes. 192 00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:41,792 Yeah, well I never met a Hittite 193 00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:44,834 who wasn't trying to expand his empire into Egypt. 194 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,583 Oh, Hittites... worse than the Canaanites! 195 00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:51,750 Oh, now who's doing this because of the handsome new pastor? 196 00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:53,166 Reverend Wright? 197 00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:55,083 You think he's... 198 00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:56,834 Oh, why pretend? 199 00:09:56,917 --> 00:10:00,417 When he speaks, I feel like he's speaking only to me. 200 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,000 Oh, Lisa, honey, I'm worried you'll get too attached. 201 00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:06,667 This town has a way of rejecting what's new and different. 202 00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:07,959 And better. 203 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,250 Not this time. 204 00:10:09,333 --> 00:10:11,834 (groans) But look at your vision board. 205 00:10:11,917 --> 00:10:14,834 It's full of nothing but crushing disappointment. 206 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:18,125 - (thuds) - Ha-ha! 207 00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:20,250 Even your vision board is a failure. 208 00:10:20,333 --> 00:10:22,125 That hook was supposed to hold 209 00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,458 a lifetime's worth of disappointment. 210 00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:26,041 (crying) 211 00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:28,667 (tires screeching) 212 00:10:30,375 --> 00:10:32,458 Get thee behind me, Saturn. 213 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,542 I need to pee. 214 00:10:38,625 --> 00:10:40,667 No time. We've got defrocking to do. 215 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,041 Timothy, I've never seen you like this. 216 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:45,750 Maybe I'll do some defrocking, too. 217 00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:47,792 In the choo choo room? 218 00:10:47,875 --> 00:10:49,625 Okay, mood's gone. 219 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,583 Two beers, Moe. 220 00:10:51,667 --> 00:10:52,834 Nothing for the reverend. 221 00:10:52,917 --> 00:10:53,959 Oh, howdy there, Rev. 222 00:10:54,041 --> 00:10:56,500 Well, can't let him see my nudie glasses. 223 00:10:58,208 --> 00:11:00,583 You didn't have to break your nudie glasses. 224 00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:02,417 Now you tell me. Uh, remind me... 225 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,000 how many boobs does a woman have? 226 00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:07,041 I never got so much off my chest. 227 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:11,125 So, then I coveted my neighbor's riding mower. 228 00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:14,792 I never pedal when I'm on a bicycle built for two. 229 00:11:14,917 --> 00:11:16,709 - Homer... - I went trick-or-treating 230 00:11:16,792 --> 00:11:18,542 when I was 30. 231 00:11:18,625 --> 00:11:22,417 Also, I told Marge I was going for a colonoscopy 232 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:26,583 when I actually went to a Planet of the Apes marathon. 233 00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:28,333 Including the Tim Burton one. 234 00:11:28,417 --> 00:11:29,500 God doesn't care. 235 00:11:29,583 --> 00:11:30,959 Hallelujah! 236 00:11:31,041 --> 00:11:32,750 Please. I make my living in here. 237 00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:34,750 Sorry. So am I forgiven? 238 00:11:34,834 --> 00:11:36,709 You're a good man, Homer Simpson. 239 00:11:36,792 --> 00:11:39,041 Behind all your behavior, good and bad, 240 00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:41,083 there's a still, quiet place 241 00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:42,917 untouched by the dramas of this life 242 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,041 where you simply are goodness. 243 00:11:45,125 --> 00:11:48,041 Oh, you haven't heard the worst one. 244 00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,875 I had impure thoughts 245 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,375 about the mother bear in the toilet paper ads. 246 00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:54,875 (phone buzzes) 247 00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:57,417 FLANDERS: Reverend? If that is your real honorific. 248 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,417 You are late for our parishioners' visit. 249 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:02,375 I've been preparing all day. 250 00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:04,417 Uh, sorry. I've got to go. 251 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,625 Homer, does this Flanders guy ever annoy you? 252 00:12:16,709 --> 00:12:18,041 From time to time. 253 00:12:19,917 --> 00:12:21,125 (horns honking) 254 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,500 Move it, move it, move it. 255 00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:23,709 (brakes screeching) 256 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,875 All right. Which arm did the honking? 257 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,792 I'm not telling you. 258 00:12:32,083 --> 00:12:33,208 (sighs) 259 00:12:34,083 --> 00:12:35,250 FLANDERS: Come in. 260 00:12:36,917 --> 00:12:39,500 (music playing) 261 00:12:48,375 --> 00:12:51,417 You, sir, have challenged me on scripture. 262 00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,959 Oh. Well, if it's scripture you want to talk, 263 00:12:58,041 --> 00:13:00,917 then let us make a joyful noise unto the Lord. 264 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,834 - Good. - Good. 265 00:13:06,709 --> 00:13:08,625 (panting) 266 00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:11,458 Punishment is the key to belief. 267 00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,667 Matthew 25:46. 268 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,750 "They will go away to eternal punishment, but the..." 269 00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,208 "...righteous to eternal life." Sure. 270 00:13:16,291 --> 00:13:17,667 But God's grace is for everyone. 271 00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:19,125 John 12:32. 272 00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:20,750 "I will draw all people..." 273 00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:22,625 "...up to myself." Hmm. 274 00:13:22,709 --> 00:13:25,625 (chuckles) What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9? 275 00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:28,542 "They will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction..." 276 00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:29,917 Romans 11:32. 277 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,333 "He may have mercy on them all." 278 00:13:32,417 --> 00:13:33,750 Them all. 279 00:13:35,125 --> 00:13:36,458 (music ends) 280 00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:39,792 Genesis 3:23. 281 00:13:39,875 --> 00:13:42,375 "So the Lord banished him from the Garden." 282 00:13:42,458 --> 00:13:44,667 Genesis 1:31. 283 00:13:44,792 --> 00:13:46,542 "God saw all that He had made, 284 00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:48,875 and it was very good." 285 00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:49,792 Bang. 286 00:13:49,875 --> 00:13:51,291 (groans) 287 00:13:51,375 --> 00:13:53,750 I'm cold, so cold. 288 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,375 And I'm wearing three sweaters. 289 00:13:55,458 --> 00:13:56,875 (birds chirping) 290 00:13:59,458 --> 00:14:01,875 Wow. This is what it would be like 291 00:14:01,959 --> 00:14:04,792 if they believed in God in Hawaii. 292 00:14:04,875 --> 00:14:07,583 Reverend, you come to dinner at my house! 293 00:14:07,667 --> 00:14:09,959 Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take a rain check. 294 00:14:10,041 --> 00:14:12,875 So many checks, so little rain. 295 00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:15,417 Stop this revelry! 296 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:16,750 Who are you?! 297 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,959 (gasps) Reverend Lovejoy! 298 00:14:21,041 --> 00:14:24,208 And I'm just back from Michigan. 299 00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:26,166 Can you point accusingly for me? 300 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,208 You got it. 301 00:14:28,709 --> 00:14:30,250 This man is a heretic. 302 00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:31,417 (all gasp) 303 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:34,166 (quietly) Oh, no. No, Lisa, don't. 304 00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:35,375 Wait, wait, wait! 305 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:38,750 Surely, we know the reverend is a blessed man who... 306 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,917 Lisa, I did something bad. 307 00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:43,667 How bad could it be? Seriously. 308 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:44,667 (overlapping chatter) 309 00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,291 Well, look at you, 310 00:14:46,375 --> 00:14:48,834 finally paying attention to me. 311 00:14:48,917 --> 00:14:51,291 One brief announcement: there's a red Honda Civic 312 00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:54,583 - in the parking lot with its lights on. - You're losing them. 313 00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:57,083 He burned the Bible. 314 00:14:57,166 --> 00:14:58,500 (all gasp) 315 00:15:01,417 --> 00:15:02,583 Oh, boy. 316 00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,083 That's appalling. I mean, come on. 317 00:15:04,166 --> 00:15:06,542 Psalms are not for burning. They're for tattoos. 318 00:15:06,625 --> 00:15:08,333 So, you know, you sicken me. 319 00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:11,250 Everything in my heart tells me this isn't true! 320 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:13,458 I know this is a weird thing to say in church, 321 00:15:13,542 --> 00:15:15,250 but we need proof. 322 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:18,375 I demand a full hearing in front of all of us! 323 00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:20,125 Oh, you'll get your hearing. 324 00:15:20,208 --> 00:15:22,583 Tuesday at 4:00. 325 00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:26,083 Another paradise lost. 326 00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:29,417 Lisa, you're really bringing down the first Sunday of Lent. 327 00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,583 Even the fire eater is sad. 328 00:15:37,417 --> 00:15:40,291 The crisis of faith grows as support for im-preach-ment 329 00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:41,875 is now at 52%. 330 00:15:41,959 --> 00:15:44,208 Can you fight fire with firing? 331 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:47,083 What should we do with this Judas priest? 332 00:15:47,166 --> 00:15:48,792 This has been Kent Brockman talking, 333 00:15:48,875 --> 00:15:50,083 saying nothing. 334 00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:55,083 Oh. 335 00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:56,542 (plays sad notes) 336 00:15:56,625 --> 00:15:58,959 Welcome, all of you. Let's begin. 337 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,417 Why is she running this? 338 00:16:01,542 --> 00:16:03,500 Because she won't get overexcited. 339 00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:05,875 And I will? 340 00:16:05,959 --> 00:16:09,583 And the Bible said, "A child shall lead them." 341 00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:11,709 Well, as my Lord Buddha said, 342 00:16:11,792 --> 00:16:14,250 "Three things cannot long be hidden. 343 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,625 The sun, the moon, and the truth." 344 00:16:17,709 --> 00:16:19,875 Well, why don't they make that a Google Doodle? 345 00:16:19,959 --> 00:16:23,083 Reverend, you're very concerned with the Bible. 346 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,166 So, let us turn to that Bible. 347 00:16:25,291 --> 00:16:28,291 Specifically, the very, very, many parts 348 00:16:28,375 --> 00:16:30,375 that speak about forgiveness. 349 00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:33,208 (playing fanfare) 350 00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:40,000 And, Mom, thank you for sewing these banners. 351 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:42,834 I did all that work for a ten-second bit? 352 00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:44,875 He did it. He admitted it. 353 00:16:44,959 --> 00:16:46,417 What else do you need? 354 00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:48,583 We've mobbed for less, people. 355 00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:51,583 Yeah, remember the guy with the two different-colored socks? 356 00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:53,250 Ran his ass right out of town. 357 00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:54,333 Banish him! 358 00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:57,917 CROWD: Banish him! Banish him! 359 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,834 Cherish him! Cherish him! 360 00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:03,291 I know another long-haired performer 361 00:17:03,375 --> 00:17:05,208 who preached a new philosophy, 362 00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:06,583 peace and love. 363 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,125 And the crowd was with him, 364 00:17:08,208 --> 00:17:10,083 but then they turned, hard. 365 00:17:10,166 --> 00:17:12,083 And that man's name 366 00:17:12,166 --> 00:17:13,583 was Willie Nelson! 367 00:17:14,041 --> 00:17:17,083 Well, I say, banish him! Banish him! 368 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:20,250 CROWD: Banish him! Banish him! 369 00:17:20,333 --> 00:17:21,417 Stop! 370 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,959 I came here to unify you, but instead I divided you. 371 00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:26,333 So I'm leaving. 372 00:17:26,417 --> 00:17:29,000 I just hope what I said resonated with a few of you. 373 00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:31,375 Like Lisa, one who may change the world. 374 00:17:31,458 --> 00:17:32,625 Aw. 375 00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:35,375 And that Sea Captain guy. That dude is surprisingly woke. 376 00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:39,417 Yarr, activism means nothing if it's not intersectional. 377 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,375 Yarr! 378 00:17:41,542 --> 00:17:43,333 Glad to have known you. 379 00:17:43,417 --> 00:17:46,959 I just want to say, you've changed my life forever. 380 00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:49,250 You're the first minister I've ever met 381 00:17:49,333 --> 00:17:51,208 I didn't want to slap across the face. 382 00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:52,417 Glad to have known you. 383 00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:56,000 And I just want to say, rot in Hell, Bible burner. 384 00:17:56,083 --> 00:17:57,750 Glad to have known you. 385 00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:59,083 - Glad to have... - Bup-bup-bup. 386 00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:01,834 In my family, you don't say goodbye to someone 387 00:18:01,917 --> 00:18:04,375 you care about without a meat loaf. 388 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,041 And broccoli. 389 00:18:06,125 --> 00:18:07,959 You-You're inviting me over for dinner? 390 00:18:08,041 --> 00:18:10,000 If you can love us after seeing us eat, 391 00:18:10,083 --> 00:18:12,041 we'll know you really love us. 392 00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:14,041 Come on, pal. We're having roast Bible. 393 00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:16,208 Huh? (laughs) 394 00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:17,458 What? Too soon? 395 00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:18,667 (snoring) 396 00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:20,834 I just want to offer this simple prayer: 397 00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:23,458 Dear God, please let the Simpsons never end. 398 00:18:23,542 --> 00:18:25,166 ALL: Amen. 399 00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,667 And, Bode, tomorrow I have to ask you 400 00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:30,875 a philosophical question, so I'll see you at the church. 401 00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:33,625 Amen. 402 00:18:33,709 --> 00:18:34,959 Where the hell have you been? 403 00:18:36,542 --> 00:18:38,375 Why would you burn a Bible? 404 00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:40,542 Why couldn't you burn Bill O'Reilly's books? 405 00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:42,583 There are so many. 406 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:45,041 I was trying to tell people that God is in your heart, 407 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,750 not in a overbuilt cathedral or some book. 408 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,834 This town doesn't get subtext. 409 00:18:49,917 --> 00:18:53,375 Our NPR station broadcasts wrestling. 410 00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,875 NPR ANNOUNCER: And that's an excruciating half nelson. 411 00:18:55,959 --> 00:18:59,458 Now, is that what's known in the lexicon as a "face stomp"? 412 00:18:59,542 --> 00:19:01,583 NPR ANNOUNCER 2: Yes, yes, it is. 413 00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:04,667 NPR ANNOUNCER 1: This is NPR pledge week. Please give. 414 00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:07,333 - Why did you do it? - I was 19. 415 00:19:07,417 --> 00:19:11,250 I saw how people were using the Bible to divide and exclude. 416 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,750 People were so busy worshipping a road map 417 00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:16,750 instead of trying to reach the destination. 418 00:19:16,834 --> 00:19:17,750 You know what I mean? 419 00:19:18,959 --> 00:19:20,959 Well, why didn't you just say that? 420 00:19:21,041 --> 00:19:23,208 That was fine. No fire. 421 00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:26,542 - I was 19. - I'm eight and I get it. 422 00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:28,000 (sighs) You're right. 423 00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:30,500 I've regretted it since the day I did it. 424 00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:32,792 So, since then, I've just wandered the world, 425 00:19:32,875 --> 00:19:35,041 like a millennial on a gap year. 426 00:19:35,125 --> 00:19:37,959 I understand, but how are you gonna convince...? 427 00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:43,166 I'll just have faith in this town's open heart. 428 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,542 (grunts) 429 00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:48,083 I was just making sure it doesn't say "We forgive you." 430 00:19:48,166 --> 00:19:50,458 - It doesn't. - Unless they wrote it in red. 431 00:19:50,542 --> 00:19:51,417 Yeah, no. 432 00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,000 - No, they didn't. - No. 433 00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,291 - The brick is the message. - Them's my people. 434 00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:56,500 - Yeah. - Yeah. 435 00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:58,375 Do we throw it back? What's your custom? 436 00:20:02,583 --> 00:20:06,000 Uh, Chief, this guy still had ten minutes on his meter. 437 00:20:06,083 --> 00:20:08,917 Just when I understood that guy, when I believed again, 438 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,917 when I believed in people, they took him away. 439 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000 I've lost my faith, Lou. 440 00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:16,041 Come on, Chief, you got a beautiful wife 441 00:20:16,125 --> 00:20:18,083 (laughs) and kid... I can't... 442 00:20:18,166 --> 00:20:21,375 I'm sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. 443 00:20:21,458 --> 00:20:23,208 - Well, you could try. - (laughs) 444 00:20:23,291 --> 00:20:26,583 I am. I-I'm trying, I'm sorry. 445 00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:28,375 I'm sorry. I'll maybe try again. 446 00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:29,667 You got a beau... (laughing) 447 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,291 ...tiful wife and kid. 448 00:20:38,709 --> 00:20:42,208 (theme music playing) 449 00:21:18,125 --> 00:21:20,166 -(murmuring) -Shh!