1 00:00:00,583 --> 00:00:02,583 ("Deck the Halls" playing) 2 00:00:03,375 --> 00:00:04,667 Ho, ho, ho! 3 00:00:13,792 --> 00:00:15,583 D'oh! Ho, ho! 4 00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,667 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:23,417 (caws) 6 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,417 And now to order my Christmas gifts 7 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,750 with plenty of time. 8 00:00:46,792 --> 00:00:47,750 (tires screeches) 9 00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:55,166 Hmm. UPS tracking says my packages just arrived. 10 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,917 All I have to do is look down. 11 00:00:57,875 --> 00:00:59,792 D'ah! 12 00:00:59,875 --> 00:01:01,625 Who could've done this? Who? 13 00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:04,000 ♪ Ding-dong, merrily on high ♪ 14 00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:06,750 ♪ In heaven the bells are ringing ♪ 15 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,250 ♪ Ding-dong, Bart is gonna die ♪ 16 00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:12,333 ♪ His little neck I'm stringing ♪ 17 00:01:12,417 --> 00:01:14,125 (sinister laughter) 18 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,500 Hmm. Needs tinsel 19 00:01:15,583 --> 00:01:18,875 to reflect the horror in Bart's eyes. 20 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:21,834 (doorbell rings) 21 00:01:21,917 --> 00:01:25,125 Oh, a visitor. Coming. 22 00:01:25,458 --> 00:01:27,583 -(door creaks) -Ahoy. Are there any 23 00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:29,834 lonely lighthouse keepers abaft here? 24 00:01:29,917 --> 00:01:32,333 (sighing) Oh, hello, Cassandra. 25 00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:36,041 Surprise! I made you muffins. 26 00:01:36,125 --> 00:01:37,542 You want to know a secret? 27 00:01:37,625 --> 00:01:39,709 I used two sticks of butter. 28 00:01:39,792 --> 00:01:42,208 Do you have any deep dark secrets? 29 00:01:44,583 --> 00:01:46,667 (grunting) 30 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:49,709 (groaning) 31 00:01:55,166 --> 00:01:56,917 Merry Christmas, Father! 32 00:01:56,959 --> 00:01:58,500 (chuckles) Stay out of trouble. 33 00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:00,083 (wind gusting) 34 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,667 Nope. No secrets. 35 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,750 So, have you ever thought about children? 36 00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:11,542 Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me! 37 00:02:11,625 --> 00:02:12,959 (kissing) 38 00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,291 Oh, if you'll excuse me, 39 00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:19,917 my gimbals need a good whale oiling. 40 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,083 -Ta! -Oh, 41 00:02:21,166 --> 00:02:22,709 you might get some other visitors. 42 00:02:22,792 --> 00:02:24,792 I mentioned you in town today. 43 00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:28,375 You told people about me? What did you tell them? What? 44 00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:30,709 That you had kind eyes, a beautiful voice, 45 00:02:30,792 --> 00:02:32,291 and no wedding ring. 46 00:02:33,875 --> 00:02:35,750 -There he is! -(gasps) 47 00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:38,125 I was a fool to let my guard down with a woman 48 00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,041 who runs a seaward-aiming Fresnel lens! 49 00:02:41,125 --> 00:02:44,750 From hell's heart I stab at thee! 50 00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,625 Oh, my God. Just listen to that mellifluous baritone. 51 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,417 He's perfect for the role. 52 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,250 Role? Role? 53 00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,417 You're offering me an acting job? 54 00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:57,000 Yes! It's to play Santa Claus at a small amusement park. 55 00:02:58,208 --> 00:03:01,709 Oh, what the hell. It is the lead. I'm in! 56 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,166 Dinner is served. 57 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:07,333 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 58 00:03:07,417 --> 00:03:09,041 ♪ ♪ 59 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,917 Hey, let's see what's on your tag. 60 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,792 "Cadaver-sniffing dog"? 61 00:03:19,875 --> 00:03:22,667 Ah, that's another job I didn't get. 62 00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:28,959 (tires screeches) 63 00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:33,250 It's gone. My porch repair kit is gone! 64 00:03:34,917 --> 00:03:36,333 (blowing forcefully) 65 00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:41,917 (breathing heavily) 66 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,500 (engine running) 67 00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:46,041 D'oh! 68 00:03:49,750 --> 00:03:52,083 (grunting) A little help! 69 00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:53,250 (chuckling) 70 00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:56,125 Another crafts project gone out of hand? 71 00:03:56,208 --> 00:03:58,792 -Yes. -If you're not tied up tomorrow, 72 00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:00,625 I took the day off from work. 73 00:04:00,709 --> 00:04:04,458 I was thinking we could watch an R-rated movie. 74 00:04:04,542 --> 00:04:06,208 Finally, the sexy story 75 00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:08,750 of Tony Roma's ribs. 76 00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:11,709 But tomorrow I promised the kids I'd take them out of school. 77 00:04:11,792 --> 00:04:13,750 It can be our family day. 78 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:14,834 Yawn. 79 00:04:14,917 --> 00:04:16,333 We'll go to Santa's Village. 80 00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:19,458 Oh, I hate that place. It's so crowded at Christmas. 81 00:04:19,542 --> 00:04:21,834 And the giant candy canes are not real. 82 00:04:21,917 --> 00:04:23,500 But they are electrified! 83 00:04:23,583 --> 00:04:25,959 Well, we're going and taking the kids. 84 00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:29,333 Why couldn't that be me? 85 00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,917 -Homer! -Oh... 86 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,458 (horn honking) 87 00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:41,166 ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 88 00:04:41,291 --> 00:04:43,291 ♪ Baby shark doo-doo- doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 89 00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:44,458 ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 90 00:04:44,542 --> 00:04:45,583 Oh, God, I'm so sick of this. 91 00:04:45,667 --> 00:04:46,792 Thing just keeps going on and on. 92 00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:48,041 ♪ Baby shark, Mommy shark ♪ 93 00:04:48,125 --> 00:04:49,041 ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 94 00:04:49,125 --> 00:04:50,041 I don't want to hear a shark 95 00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:51,041 or "baby" or "doo" ever again. 96 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,041 ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 97 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,041 ♪ Mommy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 98 00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:53,959 Marge, you traitor! 99 00:04:54,041 --> 00:04:54,875 It's so catchy. 100 00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:55,792 ♪ Mommy shark ♪ 101 00:04:55,875 --> 00:04:56,709 ♪ Daddy shark, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 102 00:04:56,792 --> 00:04:58,166 Oh, what the hell. 103 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:00,333 ALL: ♪ Daddy shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 104 00:05:00,417 --> 00:05:02,458 ♪ Daddy shark, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 105 00:05:02,542 --> 00:05:03,583 ♪ Daddy shark ♪ 106 00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:05,667 Play this at my funeral! 107 00:05:09,625 --> 00:05:12,959 (grinding) 108 00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:14,917 Why do the low-budget parks we go to 109 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,208 have so many white trash idiots? 110 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,750 Oh! Boy, that's good. 111 00:05:19,834 --> 00:05:21,375 Why? Why? 112 00:05:21,458 --> 00:05:23,125 Well, I'm getting right in line for Santa. 113 00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:34,083 Eight hours to see a fat lazy drunk-o? 114 00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:36,500 I came to this park to get away from one. 115 00:05:36,583 --> 00:05:39,166 Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow is packed. 116 00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:41,542 ("I Have a Little Dreidel" playing) 117 00:05:41,625 --> 00:05:43,458 Check out the Dreidel Casino. 118 00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,417 Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel! 119 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,291 Ah, shin again! 120 00:05:49,375 --> 00:05:50,458 I thought this would be 121 00:05:50,542 --> 00:05:52,709 the one part of Judaism I'm good at. 122 00:05:52,792 --> 00:05:54,667 (chuckles) 123 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,125 (groans) 124 00:05:56,208 --> 00:05:57,750 Typical. 125 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:01,250 The one ride is a stupid, boring kiddie ride. 126 00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,834 At least you get to have fun. 127 00:06:07,291 --> 00:06:09,250 (ominous music playing) 128 00:06:12,375 --> 00:06:14,500 (cackles) 129 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:18,166 ♪ It's a scary place In the world outside ♪ 130 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,750 ♪ Gnomes are watching you So you'd best not cry ♪ 131 00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:23,834 ♪ Don't display any fear, this we know ♪ 132 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,917 ♪ Yes, it's clear, all our eyes ♪ 133 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,375 ♪ Are watching you ♪ 134 00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:31,750 ♪ It's a scary place In the world outside ♪ 135 00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:35,750 ♪ Gnomes are watching you So you'd best not cry ♪ 136 00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:38,917 ♪ Don't display any fear This we know, yes, it's clear ♪ 137 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,041 ♪ All our eyes are watching you ♪ 138 00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:44,959 (camera clicks) 139 00:06:46,709 --> 00:06:48,750 Hey, buddy, thanks for saving me a spot. 140 00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:51,291 Bart, you cut the bullies. 141 00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:52,333 (grunts) 142 00:06:52,417 --> 00:06:55,041 In this situation, we assign equal blame 143 00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:57,000 to the cutter and the cuttee. 144 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,750 Let him go. I don't want to get blood 145 00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:00,166 on my Christmas sweater. 146 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:03,125 Oh, there's gonna be blood on your sweater, all right. 147 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:05,542 I just said I didn't want that! 148 00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:07,417 (grunting) 149 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,000 (humming) 150 00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,792 (grinding) 151 00:07:25,208 --> 00:07:26,709 Hello, young man. 152 00:07:26,792 --> 00:07:28,542 Climb right up. 153 00:07:28,625 --> 00:07:30,083 Santa? Bartholomew Simpson. 154 00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:32,166 -You don't know me, but... -Oh, but I do. 155 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:35,500 Hello-ho-ho, Bart. 156 00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:37,333 Sideshow Bob! 157 00:07:37,417 --> 00:07:38,834 Merry Christmas. 158 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:42,083 (laughing maniacally) 159 00:07:42,166 --> 00:07:45,417 (laughter continues) 160 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,083 He's in a good mood. 161 00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:49,834 Yes. This is the year I get the monkey. 162 00:07:49,917 --> 00:07:51,208 I keep telling you, 163 00:07:51,291 --> 00:07:54,041 a monkey is a huge responsibility. 164 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:57,458 I'm raising a kid. I think I can raise a monkey. 165 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,750 (thunder rumbles) 166 00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:07,208 (yelling) 167 00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:10,542 So easy. After all these years, 168 00:08:10,625 --> 00:08:14,792 I get to watch the life drain from your eye, your I... 169 00:08:14,875 --> 00:08:17,959 I can't kill you! 170 00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:20,333 -Want to know why? -Mm, nah. 171 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:23,083 I am a trained method actor. 172 00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:24,625 I inhabit my roles. 173 00:08:24,709 --> 00:08:26,750 Like Daniel Day-Lewis in Phantom Thread. 174 00:08:26,834 --> 00:08:29,125 Or Mike Myers in The Love Guru. 175 00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,041 Why should I trust you? 176 00:08:31,125 --> 00:08:33,959 Because I am utterly incapable of stepping out of character. 177 00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:36,250 I am Santa Claus. 178 00:08:36,333 --> 00:08:38,250 The jolly old elf himself. 179 00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:40,250 Ho, ho, ho. 180 00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:42,417 MAN: So can we get in to see you? 181 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:46,375 Fifteen-minute break. Santa's making presents. 182 00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,250 Ooh... 183 00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:52,083 (all groaning) 184 00:08:52,166 --> 00:08:54,250 I'm telling you, this is Sideshow Bob! 185 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:57,041 -He tried to kill me! -Well? 186 00:08:57,458 --> 00:08:59,667 I am a card-carrying seasonal Santa. 187 00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:02,917 Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732. 188 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,625 Hey, I was a mall Santa, too. 189 00:09:04,709 --> 00:09:07,041 I still wear the belt. 190 00:09:07,125 --> 00:09:09,291 Uh, if you're gonna spend this much time with our Santa, 191 00:09:09,375 --> 00:09:10,917 you have to pose for a photo. 192 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,750 Photos with Santa, $40. 193 00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,750 Marge, just take one with your phone! 194 00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,375 -Got it. -Run! 195 00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,750 This will stop the jerks who've been stealing packages 196 00:09:19,834 --> 00:09:23,458 off my porch: a decoy with an exploding dye marker inside. 197 00:09:23,542 --> 00:09:25,959 You don't think you packed in a little too much gunpowder? 198 00:09:26,041 --> 00:09:29,125 Relax. I learned how to do this from my Uncle Two Fingers. 199 00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:33,500 Oh, my God. You're the package thief? 200 00:09:34,750 --> 00:09:35,709 (tires screech) 201 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,333 (feeble muttering) 202 00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:39,709 Lenny. Who did this to you? Can you say it? 203 00:09:39,792 --> 00:09:41,208 -Eh. -Can you whisper it? 204 00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:43,959 -Eh. -Can you write it with your blood? 205 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:45,291 Ooh. 206 00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:53,917 I'm a little worried our Christmas packages 207 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,375 haven't arrived. 208 00:09:55,458 --> 00:09:58,166 Marge, relax. There's plenty of time. 209 00:09:58,250 --> 00:10:00,834 It's 8:00 p.m. Christmas Eve! 210 00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,125 Just sit back 211 00:10:02,208 --> 00:10:05,625 and watch this Fox News yule log. 212 00:10:05,709 --> 00:10:08,625 ("Silent Night" playing) 213 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,291 We interrupt this yule log with a special report. 214 00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,542 Package delivery thefts continue in Springfield. 215 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,917 Local man Leonard "Lenny" Leonard 216 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,792 had his jingle bell rung in a package deal gone boom. 217 00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:26,083 Our only clue is these initials next to the corpse. 218 00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:28,041 He's not a corpse. He's breathing. 219 00:10:28,125 --> 00:10:32,041 -I say he's a corpse. -(blows) And I say I'm not. 220 00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:33,959 Uh... (scoffs) you don't get a vote. 221 00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:36,417 (gasps) "S.B." is Sideshow Bob! 222 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,041 That's what he's up to. 223 00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:40,000 He's stealing Christmas! 224 00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,000 A fellow Santa could not steal Christmas. 225 00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:46,792 I know who this mysterious "S.B." is. 226 00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:51,500 Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier. 227 00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:53,542 Uh, tell Scott Bakula, Steve Ballmer 228 00:10:53,625 --> 00:10:55,625 and Sandra Bullock they're off the hook. 229 00:10:55,709 --> 00:10:58,041 I should've been back at NCIS: New Orleans 230 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,125 two hours ago. 231 00:11:00,208 --> 00:11:02,250 Why don't you just Quantum Leap there? 232 00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:04,709 Why don't you learn how to be a cop, fatso? 233 00:11:04,792 --> 00:11:06,959 I loved it! Mistaken identity! 234 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,875 I sold ten-- ten season tickets-- 235 00:11:09,959 --> 00:11:11,625 to the guys in my cell. 236 00:11:11,709 --> 00:11:15,959 Everything we do is successful, booyah! 237 00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:23,250 ♪ ♪ 238 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:31,750 Santa's Village, please. 239 00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,250 What do you want to go there for? 240 00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,083 (scoffs) I'm saving Christmas. 241 00:11:35,166 --> 00:11:37,917 Every kid thinks they're doing that this time of year. 242 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,583 And as for you, Santa's Village is closed, I'm afraid. 243 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,000 If I wanted your life story, I would've taken an Uber. 244 00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:44,458 Well, that shuts me up. 245 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:46,333 I'm not gonna leave 246 00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:47,834 till I find out what Bob's up to. 247 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,083 If you don't hear from me in one hour, call the police. 248 00:11:50,166 --> 00:11:52,166 I have my own problems, Bart. 249 00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:54,792 My mom just locked my dad out in the snow. 250 00:11:54,875 --> 00:11:56,959 He keeps tapping at my window. 251 00:11:57,041 --> 00:11:59,667 She said if I open it, no presents. 252 00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:01,750 -Useless. -Don't hang up. 253 00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:10,709 (laughs) Classic evil villain mistake. 254 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:13,792 Life goals?! 255 00:12:13,875 --> 00:12:15,500 Don't pooh-pooh. 256 00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,709 Now for God's sake, how can I convince you 257 00:12:17,792 --> 00:12:20,041 that I am not going to kill you? 258 00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:23,667 Find the person who stole the presents. 259 00:12:23,750 --> 00:12:26,000 Very well. I shall begin by clearing my initials, 260 00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:29,834 catching the true "S.B." and, if I must, 261 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,834 save Christmas for everyone. 262 00:12:32,917 --> 00:12:35,000 Now let me drive you home. 263 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:38,125 You want me to ride with you? Fine. 264 00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:39,208 Shotgun! 265 00:12:41,625 --> 00:12:42,500 Let's roll. 266 00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:44,417 Shotgun means you pay the tolls. 267 00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,667 So I'm here to save Christmas, and here's my plan. 268 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:53,959 First, I conceal myself within this box. 269 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,000 (all gasp) 270 00:12:58,083 --> 00:13:00,500 Where'd you learn how to do that? 271 00:13:00,583 --> 00:13:03,166 When you ride cross-country in a clown car, you learn a lot. 272 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,500 (shuddering laugh) 273 00:13:06,792 --> 00:13:08,750 -(applause, cheering) -HOMER: Who knew? 274 00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,208 -Brava! -Who knew? 275 00:13:10,291 --> 00:13:11,375 SIDESHOW BOB: Thank you. 276 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,542 Now, Homer, gently place me on the porch, 277 00:13:13,625 --> 00:13:16,166 and when they steal me, follow them to their lair. 278 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:17,291 Will do. 279 00:13:17,834 --> 00:13:19,375 (both grunting) 280 00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,625 (grunting continues) 281 00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:26,125 Ah! 282 00:13:26,208 --> 00:13:27,834 -And... (grunts) -Ah! 283 00:13:27,917 --> 00:13:29,500 Godspeed. 284 00:13:30,458 --> 00:13:32,375 They'll be here any minute. 285 00:13:32,458 --> 00:13:33,875 ♪ ♪ 286 00:13:51,834 --> 00:13:54,166 (shutters clicking) 287 00:13:57,667 --> 00:13:59,250 (bells jingling) 288 00:14:00,959 --> 00:14:03,208 (straining) Can't breathe. 289 00:14:03,291 --> 00:14:05,208 (breathing deeply) 290 00:14:13,041 --> 00:14:15,625 ALL (softly): ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 291 00:14:15,709 --> 00:14:18,291 ♪ Baby shark Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 292 00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:20,000 ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo- doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 293 00:14:20,709 --> 00:14:21,959 (tires screeches) 294 00:14:28,875 --> 00:14:31,625 (gasps) Oh, my God, S.B. is 295 00:14:31,709 --> 00:14:33,500 Smithers and Burns! 296 00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:35,417 Since when does Smithers go first? 297 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,667 The jig is up! 298 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,750 Also, leg cramp. 299 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,000 Ow. 300 00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:43,166 The police are on their way. 301 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,917 Who will they believe? You or the billionaire 302 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,917 who just sent them a Montgomery Ward's cheese log? 303 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,917 Mr. Burns, why did you do this? 304 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,959 Ooh, general Scroogeyness. 305 00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:56,917 No, it's deeper. It's much deeper than that. 306 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,041 (gasps) I think Mr. Burns is depressed. 307 00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:02,750 Ooh, you're a very perceptive girl. 308 00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,625 (melancholy piano music plays) 309 00:15:04,709 --> 00:15:06,125 -That's close enough. -(music stops) 310 00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:08,000 I just wanted everyone to experience 311 00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:11,291 the same Christmas heartbreak that I once did. 312 00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:15,208 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪ 313 00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:17,875 ♪ On the feast of Stephen ♪ 314 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,959 Papa, sweet Papa, may I sit on Santa's lap? 315 00:15:21,041 --> 00:15:22,542 Well, I don't know. 316 00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:25,542 Santa Claus, giving away free toys, 317 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:29,083 undercutting my friends, Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro. 318 00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:30,333 Please? 319 00:15:34,417 --> 00:15:35,542 (shouts) 320 00:15:36,417 --> 00:15:39,291 Well, what's on your wish list, little boy? 321 00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:41,959 A Rockford sock monkey, Studebaker pedal car, 322 00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,959 or the most popular gift this year, an orange. 323 00:15:45,041 --> 00:15:47,458 All I want is a hug from my mommy 324 00:15:47,542 --> 00:15:49,333 and a smile from my daddy. 325 00:15:49,417 --> 00:15:52,375 Oh, well I'm sure there's a hug and a smile 326 00:15:52,458 --> 00:15:55,875 on their way to you right now. Ho, ho, ho. 327 00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:57,000 Next. 328 00:15:57,750 --> 00:15:59,375 What do you want for Christmas? 329 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:02,166 I want you to marry my mom like you said you would. 330 00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:03,333 Next! 331 00:16:03,417 --> 00:16:05,667 ♪ ♪ 332 00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:14,709 BURNS: Christmas day came... 333 00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:24,000 I'm here to take you to boarding school. 334 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,792 -On Christmas Day? -Hey, no traffic. 335 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:33,917 BURNS: The next time I saw my parents, they weren't in a smiling mood. 336 00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:38,417 Too late! 337 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,667 You two never gave me anything except $100 million. 338 00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:43,917 Santa lied. 339 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,333 But, Monty, you misunderstood me. 340 00:16:46,417 --> 00:16:47,625 Ho, ho, ho. 341 00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:49,917 Santa? (scoffs) It can't be. 342 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,583 Monty, it's 1935, 343 00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:55,083 and this is Gimbels Department Store, 344 00:16:55,166 --> 00:16:57,083 with the toy train in the window 345 00:16:57,166 --> 00:16:59,417 and Maxie the elevator man. 346 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,917 You're looking at the lingerie department. 347 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,083 You can look. It's okay. 348 00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:05,667 (laughs) 349 00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:08,750 Yes. Yes. Yes! I am a child again. 350 00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,750 And the truth is, your parents did love you, 351 00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:13,625 not with hugs and kisses, but with something better-- 352 00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:15,125 they made you strong. 353 00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:17,625 Where are all the other tycoons from your day? 354 00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:21,417 Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo. 355 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:25,250 But you're the richest, most ruthless man in town, 356 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:27,959 thanks to your parents' love. 357 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,041 It's true. 358 00:17:33,125 --> 00:17:34,417 Smithers, it's Christmas, 359 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:36,750 which is a work day for you, so help me out. 360 00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:40,125 -And it's my birthday. -Don't expect two presents. 361 00:17:40,208 --> 00:17:43,458 -♪ Christmas ♪ -♪ The snow's coming down ♪ 362 00:17:43,542 --> 00:17:46,959 -♪ Christmas ♪ -♪ I'm watching it fall ♪ 363 00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:48,667 ♪ Christmas... ♪ 364 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,625 My raisins came! 365 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:52,750 -Mm! -(sighs) 366 00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,291 Well, at least he's eating. 367 00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:57,166 ♪ Christmas... ♪ 368 00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,417 Huzzah for Mr. Burns! 369 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,500 God bless us, every one. 370 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:04,834 Seriously, this is, this is really nice. 371 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,500 ("Carol of the Bells" playing) 372 00:18:07,542 --> 00:18:09,375 (yawns) We did it. 373 00:18:09,458 --> 00:18:11,667 Got all the presents under the tree. 374 00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:15,333 I'm lucky because no one could possibly steal my gift. 375 00:18:15,417 --> 00:18:17,834 All I want is one peaceful moment 376 00:18:17,917 --> 00:18:20,458 to hold my wife in my arms. 377 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,166 Aw. 378 00:18:22,458 --> 00:18:24,125 BART: It's Christmas! 379 00:18:24,917 --> 00:18:27,166 Awake already? 380 00:18:27,375 --> 00:18:30,875 -(chuckles) Slide whistle. -Kazoo! 381 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:34,333 (all playing instruments) 382 00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,375 (quietly) Meet me in the basement. 383 00:18:37,458 --> 00:18:38,875 Okay. 384 00:18:38,959 --> 00:18:40,500 Picture time. 385 00:18:49,542 --> 00:18:51,375 Janie, haven't you learned that silly tune yet? 386 00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:53,959 You play it over and over again. Now stop it, stop it! 387 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:56,083 That girl is pretty bad at the piano. 388 00:18:56,166 --> 00:18:57,375 (knock on door) 389 00:18:57,458 --> 00:18:59,875 Ugh. Hello, Cassandra. 390 00:18:59,959 --> 00:19:02,041 I brought you a Christmas present. 391 00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:05,000 (grumbling) 392 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:08,041 I know who you are, and I know what you've done, 393 00:19:08,125 --> 00:19:10,083 and I want you to kiss me. 394 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:13,875 -♪ You really should go ♪ -♪ It's 20 below ♪ 395 00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:17,667 -♪ I can't have you here ♪ -♪ Just get me a beer ♪ 396 00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:21,125 -♪ I'm being a gent ♪ -♪ I'm giving consent ♪ 397 00:19:21,208 --> 00:19:23,875 ♪ You are quite inviting ♪ 398 00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:27,000 ♪ I will put it in writing ♪ 399 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:32,333 BOTH: ♪ Baby, it's cold outside ♪ 400 00:19:34,792 --> 00:19:36,458 (crash) 401 00:19:37,166 --> 00:19:40,917 Yarr. Will someone turn on the damn light? 402 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,917 A little late, don't you think? 403 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,417 Yarr! 404 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,750 Steve. Psst. Steve. Wait. 405 00:19:50,834 --> 00:19:54,917 Sorry, I'm just about ready to leave your wonderful town. 406 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,417 Great place. Fantastic! 407 00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:02,083 The best Springfield I've ever been in. Whoo! 408 00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:03,333 Whoo-hoo! 409 00:20:03,417 --> 00:20:05,417 Can you teach me to do that? 410 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,333 Do what? This is just me. 411 00:20:07,417 --> 00:20:09,542 Fantastic coffee! 412 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,667 Send a truckful to Seattle. 413 00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:14,125 How can you possibly be so happy? 414 00:20:14,208 --> 00:20:17,291 -It's in you, too. -I really don't think so. 415 00:20:17,375 --> 00:20:19,291 Monty, look me in the eye. 416 00:20:19,375 --> 00:20:21,375 I don't know if I can. 417 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:24,959 (neck cracks) 418 00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:26,625 You're amazingly alive, 419 00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:29,458 you're rich beyond any sense of justice, 420 00:20:29,542 --> 00:20:33,709 you're C. Montgomery Burns. 421 00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:35,083 -Whoo! -(weakly) Whoo. 422 00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:37,959 -(bones crack) -Ow! (groaning) 423 00:20:38,709 --> 00:20:40,792 Hurt yourself on the landing, huh? 424 00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:42,709 No, on the way up. 425 00:20:42,792 --> 00:20:46,625 ("Deck the Halls" playing) 426 00:21:28,166 --> 00:21:29,834 -(murmuring) -Shh!