1 00:00:00,458 --> 00:00:02,458 (bells jingling) 2 00:00:03,125 --> 00:00:05,125 -What, too soon? -(screeches) 3 00:00:06,333 --> 00:00:08,458 (theme music playing) 4 00:00:10,041 --> 00:00:11,417 (exclaims) 5 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:19,083 (school bell rings) 6 00:00:20,875 --> 00:00:21,959 (belches) 7 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,166 (work whistle blows) 8 00:00:24,250 --> 00:00:25,333 Aah! 9 00:00:29,583 --> 00:00:30,917 (scanner beeps) 10 00:00:34,875 --> 00:00:36,083 (tires screeches) 11 00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:38,959 D'oh! 12 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:41,583 (grunts) 13 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:45,500 Avast there. 14 00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:47,959 It be too late to alter course, matey. 15 00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:50,917 And there be pirates lurking in every cove. 16 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,041 Get to the ride. 17 00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:54,291 (all screaming) 18 00:00:55,458 --> 00:00:57,583 Did they get a picture? 19 00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:08,083 Welcome to our first-ever night of dramatic scenes 20 00:01:08,166 --> 00:01:10,083 written by our students. 21 00:01:10,166 --> 00:01:13,333 Should we silence our cell phones and pagers? 22 00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:14,959 No, no, no, please, I beg you, leave them on. 23 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:17,125 An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap. 24 00:01:17,208 --> 00:01:19,208 (audience exclaiming) 25 00:01:19,291 --> 00:01:23,083 And now, an new scene from the CW's Riverdale. 26 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,792 (students cheer) 27 00:01:24,875 --> 00:01:28,000 Jughead, there's been a murder at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe 28 00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:30,375 and it's up to us kids to solve it. 29 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,375 I can't deal with that right now. 30 00:01:32,458 --> 00:01:35,000 My dad's in jail and the only way to get him out 31 00:01:35,083 --> 00:01:36,792 is to try drugs. 32 00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:39,875 We're both pregnant with Big Moose's babies. 33 00:01:42,583 --> 00:01:46,000 Wait. So this is a play based on a YouTube 34 00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:48,375 of kids playing a video game? 35 00:01:48,458 --> 00:01:50,834 -That's right. -(scoffs) It's about time. 36 00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:53,750 Okay, to get their chug jugs, I could snipe these guys out 37 00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:56,959 one by one, but the smarter move is to plant a charge 38 00:01:57,041 --> 00:01:58,750 at the base of their attack platform 39 00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:00,583 and skull-splat 'em when they land. 40 00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:02,792 Hey, guys, if you want more game hacks like this, 41 00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:06,625 be sure to smash our like button and subscribe to our channel. 42 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:09,375 Up next, night vision fails. 43 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:10,667 How is this a play? 44 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:12,291 Well, sir, video game walk-throughs 45 00:02:12,375 --> 00:02:15,125 are the only narrative most of these kids have been exposed to. 46 00:02:15,208 --> 00:02:17,792 -This is their Becket. -BOTH: Who? 47 00:02:17,875 --> 00:02:19,959 Are you Terry Bradshaw? 48 00:02:20,041 --> 00:02:22,834 No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond. 49 00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:25,291 Boner. Boner from Growing Pains. 50 00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:28,291 (distorted) You're all wrong. My real identity is... 51 00:02:28,375 --> 00:02:29,959 Flavor Flav! 52 00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:32,291 Flavor Flav? I've heard of you. 53 00:02:32,375 --> 00:02:34,166 I've heard of you so much. 54 00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:37,667 I am such a huge fan of your movies, books, or music. 55 00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:40,125 I can also pretend to be impressed. 56 00:02:40,208 --> 00:02:41,500 ALL: The end. 57 00:02:41,583 --> 00:02:42,709 (scattered applause) 58 00:02:42,792 --> 00:02:45,291 Wake up. Lisa's next. 59 00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:48,542 Oh, no, please. I'm having the best dream. 60 00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:51,375 I was in my warm, cozy grave. 61 00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:54,667 Well, I'm gonna dream about me in a soft, cuddly crypt. 62 00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:58,417 -Yeah... -Ah... 63 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:01,291 Amazingly, this next piece is not based on something 64 00:03:01,375 --> 00:03:03,041 you watch on your phone or a gas pump, 65 00:03:03,125 --> 00:03:05,041 but is actually an honest-to-goodness play, 66 00:03:05,125 --> 00:03:07,792 by Lisa "Thank God You're a Throwback" Simpson. 67 00:03:07,875 --> 00:03:09,250 And so I give you 68 00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:11,959 Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer. 69 00:03:12,041 --> 00:03:14,709 Where's my beer, Marjorie? 70 00:03:14,792 --> 00:03:18,542 I spent all day making sure this beer was cold. 71 00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:22,208 Aah! I make bad choices. 72 00:03:22,417 --> 00:03:24,208 Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts. 73 00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,583 (chuckles) 74 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:27,959 Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases 75 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:31,041 are as outdated as my slingshot. 76 00:03:31,125 --> 00:03:32,458 ¡Ay, caramba! 77 00:03:32,542 --> 00:03:35,709 Oh, Mom, it's so hard being a straight-A student 78 00:03:35,792 --> 00:03:39,000 with a social conscience who writes amazing plays. 79 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,375 The only stable thing in this house is you, 80 00:03:41,458 --> 00:03:44,000 making every day the same as the last. 81 00:03:44,083 --> 00:03:45,917 Exactly the same. 82 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,917 Like the coffee maker says, 83 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,542 things will perk up. 84 00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:51,917 I thought you were the coffee maker. 85 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,208 You can learn a lot from percolators. 86 00:03:54,291 --> 00:03:57,041 Make the most of the daily grind. 87 00:03:57,125 --> 00:03:59,875 The mother character is such a snooze. 88 00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:02,166 Ralph has nothing to play against. 89 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:04,166 (gasps) They think I'm boring. 90 00:04:04,250 --> 00:04:06,333 (gasps) This play is about us! 91 00:04:06,417 --> 00:04:09,375 Today I decided to be a race car driver, 92 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,417 so I was, then I quit. 93 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,750 I also have exciting news. 94 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:16,333 I converted four soap slivers 95 00:04:16,417 --> 00:04:18,333 into practically a new bar. 96 00:04:18,417 --> 00:04:21,250 Is this how the world sees me-- as a... 97 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,417 How do the kids say lame-o these days? 98 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:25,667 We say lame-o, you lame-o. 99 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,709 Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost 100 00:04:28,792 --> 00:04:30,417 belonging to the fog. 101 00:04:30,500 --> 00:04:32,875 And the fog was the ghost of the sea. 102 00:04:32,959 --> 00:04:34,542 Suck, suck. 103 00:04:34,625 --> 00:04:36,625 (audience cheering) 104 00:04:38,166 --> 00:04:39,417 (indistinct chatter) 105 00:04:40,625 --> 00:04:42,458 You really think I'm that boring? 106 00:04:42,542 --> 00:04:44,917 Lisa, you made someone feel sad, 107 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,291 which is not what a drama about a family is supposed to do. 108 00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,125 Marge, could we get a picture? 109 00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,500 Okay. 110 00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,041 -(yawns) -(shutter clicks) 111 00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:57,750 So all the generations... 112 00:04:57,834 --> 00:05:00,083 Boring. They think I'm boring. 113 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,792 I'll show them who's boring. 114 00:05:01,875 --> 00:05:05,291 Now, this morning, Marge Simpson has insistently volunteered 115 00:05:05,375 --> 00:05:06,583 to read a passage. 116 00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:09,417 She says she's gonna bring her own spin to it. 117 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,458 (humming a tune) 118 00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:13,750 Now, a reading from John, 18:38, 119 00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,291 between Pontius Pilate and Jesus. 120 00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:17,917 (quietly) Marge! Marge! Marge! 121 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,750 (exaggerated Italian accent) Hey-a Jesus, 122 00:05:19,834 --> 00:05:21,083 what's a matter for you? 123 00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:22,583 You saying youse a king? 124 00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:26,166 (normal voice) He was Roman, that's why I'm doing the accent. 125 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:28,000 (man coughs) 126 00:05:28,083 --> 00:05:31,792 Anyhoo, Jesus answered, and I think it might have gone 127 00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,500 something like this. 128 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,792 (imitating Jackie Mason) I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter. 129 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:37,291 A Jewish carpenter. 130 00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:40,125 The only thing I nail are my SATs. 131 00:05:40,208 --> 00:05:42,333 (normal voice) So then, Pontius says to the elders, 132 00:05:42,417 --> 00:05:46,083 "This-a Jesus, he-a look like a nice-a guy." 133 00:05:46,166 --> 00:05:47,667 Hey, nobody talk-a like-a that. 134 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:49,166 I make a nice-a sentence. 135 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,500 -Just like-a Mama used to construct. -Oh... 136 00:05:52,583 --> 00:05:54,875 Can we just hear Lovejoy's sermon, please? 137 00:05:54,959 --> 00:05:56,500 Yeah, Marge, read the room. 138 00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:58,166 Mm... 139 00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:01,875 You need this more than we do, lady. 140 00:06:10,417 --> 00:06:12,959 (tires screeches) 141 00:06:13,041 --> 00:06:15,875 Boring. That's what this straight-A Girl Scout 142 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,959 has become-- boring. 143 00:06:18,041 --> 00:06:19,709 (thunder crashes) 144 00:06:19,792 --> 00:06:22,542 (screaming) 145 00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:25,041 (gasps) You just had a near-death experience. 146 00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:26,208 That's exciting. 147 00:06:26,291 --> 00:06:29,333 Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom. 148 00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:32,208 I'm going to bed. 149 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:35,417 That will really turn around your boring reputation. 150 00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,583 Shh. 151 00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:41,291 (grunting) 152 00:06:43,166 --> 00:06:44,750 (panting) 153 00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:49,250 (grunts) 154 00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,667 (snoring) 155 00:06:58,542 --> 00:07:01,083 (sighs) Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood. 156 00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,500 Like always. 157 00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:04,625 I have to do everything. (grunts) 158 00:07:04,709 --> 00:07:06,166 Even chop the trees. 159 00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:08,792 Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! 160 00:07:08,875 --> 00:07:10,166 -Hyah! -Whoa! 161 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:11,792 -Hyah! -(chuckles) 162 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,542 Hyah! 163 00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:17,375 Mm. I know where she can put that chopping to good use. 164 00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:18,417 Homer's neck? 165 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:21,667 No. He doesn't have one. Something better. 166 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:26,250 Lower your right hand. Gives you more power. 167 00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:27,625 Hmm. 168 00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,333 Thanks, um... 169 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:31,834 Paula. Friend of Patty's. 170 00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:33,625 We met at Burning Woman. 171 00:07:33,709 --> 00:07:35,000 Nice job on that wood. 172 00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:36,959 HOMER (weakly): I helped. 173 00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,625 Yeah, you helped, all right. 174 00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:40,709 You helped that hammock kiss the ground. 175 00:07:40,792 --> 00:07:42,291 (weakly) D'oh. 176 00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:43,834 Marge, I don't know if you know this, 177 00:07:43,917 --> 00:07:46,625 but I'm a top-level contender at Timbersports. 178 00:07:46,709 --> 00:07:48,166 That's so interesting. 179 00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:50,625 How does it feel to be magnificent? 180 00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:51,709 I'll show you. 181 00:07:51,792 --> 00:07:54,792 ♪ The only card I need Is the ace of spades ♪ 182 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:57,041 ♪ The ace of spades ♪ 183 00:07:57,125 --> 00:07:59,792 (chain saw buzzing) 184 00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:02,041 That is a fascinating hobby. 185 00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:04,500 (sighs) Timbersports is more than a hobby. 186 00:08:04,583 --> 00:08:07,375 It's an unpaid passion that you do in your spare time. 187 00:08:07,458 --> 00:08:09,625 Now, we're going to the woods. 188 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,542 (breathes deeply) Ah. 189 00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:15,166 -What are you doing? -Breathing. 190 00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:17,583 Breathing for the first time in my life. 191 00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:20,291 Ah. 192 00:08:21,625 --> 00:08:23,333 Can I do one thing 193 00:08:23,417 --> 00:08:25,083 for the knots in your shoulders? 194 00:08:25,166 --> 00:08:26,041 Sure. 195 00:08:26,125 --> 00:08:28,208 Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh! 196 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:31,083 Not so... Oh. 197 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:34,041 Now, to motivate your chopping, 198 00:08:34,125 --> 00:08:37,417 think of things that make you mad. 199 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,083 Oh, nothing really makes me mad. 200 00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:43,250 Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side of the thought bubble. 201 00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:45,709 (both grunting) 202 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,500 You have five seconds to live. (grunts) 203 00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:51,375 So do you, idiot. We're in the same bubble. 204 00:08:51,458 --> 00:08:53,291 My final words are Lisa sucks! 205 00:08:53,375 --> 00:08:55,959 (grunting) 206 00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:58,208 She's a natural. 207 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,125 ♪ I walked into the forest ♪ 208 00:09:04,208 --> 00:09:06,917 ♪ So beautiful and green ♪ 209 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,458 ♪ And there I saw a woman ♪ 210 00:09:08,542 --> 00:09:11,625 ♪ Who was chopping down a tree ♪ 211 00:09:11,709 --> 00:09:14,125 ♪ The sawdust was flyin' ♪ 212 00:09:14,208 --> 00:09:16,583 ♪ She was spinnin' on a log ♪ 213 00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:19,291 ♪ On her waist was strapped a tool belt ♪ 214 00:09:19,375 --> 00:09:22,250 ♪ With a Black & Decker saw ♪ 215 00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:24,750 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 216 00:09:24,834 --> 00:09:27,542 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 217 00:09:27,625 --> 00:09:29,917 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 218 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,417 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 219 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,166 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 220 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:37,667 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 221 00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:40,250 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 222 00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:44,291 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 223 00:09:46,166 --> 00:09:47,834 Ooh, ooh... 224 00:09:48,542 --> 00:09:51,500 Ooh, ooh... 225 00:09:57,250 --> 00:10:01,458 I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am. 226 00:10:01,542 --> 00:10:04,834 I'm here with former NBA analyst, Anger Watkins. 227 00:10:04,917 --> 00:10:08,458 Timbersports. Timber sports? 228 00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:12,166 I snap one PA's bra strap, and this is where I land? 229 00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:14,834 Who is the Lebron of this thing? No one will tell me. 230 00:10:14,917 --> 00:10:16,625 His name is Matt Cogar. 231 00:10:16,709 --> 00:10:18,500 Is his nickname, "The Cougar"? 232 00:10:18,583 --> 00:10:20,458 No, his nickname is Matt. 233 00:10:20,542 --> 00:10:23,667 Matt isn't a nickname. It's a name name. 234 00:10:23,750 --> 00:10:25,500 (stammers) I'd storm out of here right now 235 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,667 if I weren't so terrified of squirrels. 236 00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:29,500 Take my money! Take it! 237 00:10:29,583 --> 00:10:31,917 I'm glad Mom's found a passion, 238 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,583 but I wish she didn't have to kill all those trees. 239 00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,667 I read that trees are the cause of global warming. 240 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:39,041 Where'd you read that? 241 00:10:39,125 --> 00:10:42,000 -My new fourth grade science book. -(grumbles) 242 00:10:44,125 --> 00:10:45,375 (whistles) 243 00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:48,041 (all grunting) 244 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:51,625 And they're off, displaying lots of forest gumption, eh? 245 00:10:51,709 --> 00:10:53,333 First we have Nelson Muntz. 246 00:10:53,417 --> 00:10:56,333 He's ten years old, but, man, is it a hard ten. 247 00:10:56,417 --> 00:10:58,625 (grunting) 248 00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:03,000 (slurring) Hey. That's my boy. 249 00:11:03,083 --> 00:11:06,250 He gets his pole skills from his mama. 250 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:07,834 Mm... 251 00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:14,250 Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead! 252 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:18,291 No one saw this coming, because no one was watching. 253 00:11:18,375 --> 00:11:21,917 (stammers) What could possibly be her motivation? 254 00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,458 I'm not boring! 255 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:29,333 (growls) 256 00:11:30,291 --> 00:11:32,000 -Woo-hoo! -Yay! 257 00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:35,375 You magnificent she-beast. 258 00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:39,875 All our sweaty passion and grunting paid off. 259 00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:43,250 Now's the time I should tell you. Paula is gay. 260 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,583 Aw. She made a friend. 261 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:48,000 You've made me a new woman. 262 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,959 Oh. Should I be concerned? 263 00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:53,583 It's no weirder than that time our knees touched under the bar. 264 00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:55,208 You still think about that? 265 00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:57,333 Every day. 266 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,667 (humming a tune) 267 00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:02,500 Aw. I haven't been this happy in a long time. 268 00:12:02,583 --> 00:12:05,959 You were great, but I have a question. 269 00:12:06,041 --> 00:12:07,834 Do you want to take it to the next level? 270 00:12:07,917 --> 00:12:10,792 -What do you mean? -Will you ride the blade with me? 271 00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:14,083 You know, help me bow the jagged-toothed fiddle? 272 00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,542 I don't understand. 273 00:12:15,625 --> 00:12:17,500 Draw and drag the sequoia widow-maker. 274 00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,917 You're gonna have to tell me what you're talking about. 275 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,542 Will you be my partner on the double-ended bucksaw? 276 00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:26,208 You really think that I have what it takes? 277 00:12:26,291 --> 00:12:27,417 I know you do. 278 00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,667 But if we do this, 279 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,667 you'll have to train with me for a month, in Portland. 280 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:36,041 A month? Oh, no, I can't leave Homer that long. 281 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,792 (tires screeches) 282 00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:42,333 (thunder crashes) 283 00:12:42,458 --> 00:12:44,291 (all screaming) 284 00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:56,291 Oh. Fantasies can be good? 285 00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:58,583 (humming a tune) 286 00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,959 Good to have you back. 287 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:02,834 (humming) 288 00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:05,834 (yawns) Boy, am I beat. 289 00:13:06,417 --> 00:13:07,834 Homie, I feel like 290 00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:10,959 I'm my very best self in these competitions. 291 00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,125 You are, honey. 292 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:16,041 In a way I could never make you feel or comprehend. 293 00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:17,458 Paula wants me to train with her. 294 00:13:17,542 --> 00:13:19,000 If I do, I'll be gone for a month. 295 00:13:19,083 --> 00:13:21,875 A month? We've never been apart that long. 296 00:13:21,959 --> 00:13:24,625 I miss you when we're separated in a revolving door. 297 00:13:24,709 --> 00:13:26,917 I miss you when I'm putting a sweater over my head. 298 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,500 I miss you when I close my eyes during a sneeze. 299 00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:32,166 I miss you when the clock springs ahead an hour. 300 00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:33,959 We'll never get that time back. 301 00:13:34,041 --> 00:13:36,667 Homer, do you really want me to stay, 302 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:40,875 knowing how much I need this to feel good about myself? 303 00:13:40,959 --> 00:13:42,375 Yes, I do. 304 00:13:42,458 --> 00:13:44,333 -(grumbles) -What? What? 305 00:13:44,417 --> 00:13:47,542 Where you going? She might leave and never come back. 306 00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:52,125 Just like the McRib. (crying) 307 00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:01,041 ♪ You feel it all ♪ 308 00:14:01,125 --> 00:14:04,709 ♪ Around yourself ♪ 309 00:14:04,792 --> 00:14:06,208 (thunder rumbling) 310 00:14:09,792 --> 00:14:12,125 Oh. I forgot to unlock the door. 311 00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:13,750 God, how insulting to people. 312 00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:16,041 So nervous about seeing your mother. 313 00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:17,834 Let's just enjoy Portland. 314 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:20,291 I mean, I can't believe we've never been here before. 315 00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:22,709 Indigenous artworks, craft breweries, 316 00:14:22,792 --> 00:14:24,208 independent movie theaters-- 317 00:14:24,291 --> 00:14:26,667 and that's just in one coffee shop. 318 00:14:30,083 --> 00:14:31,750 (gasps) Comic Book Guy? 319 00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:33,750 Yes, I often come here to recharge. 320 00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:36,834 In Portland I'm quirky, rather than objectionable. 321 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,250 Do you sell comic books here? 322 00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,792 No. Marijuana. And artisanal salami. 323 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:43,083 Laced with marijuana. 324 00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,333 (acoustic Simpsons theme music playing) 325 00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,291 Stupid Flanders Street. 326 00:14:57,375 --> 00:14:59,083 Okay, this is where your mom is. 327 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,250 Help me get her back. 328 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,917 Please help me get her back. 329 00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:06,417 Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage. 330 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:07,709 (growls) 331 00:15:07,792 --> 00:15:10,667 Dad, she's gonna know that's not your real hair. 332 00:15:10,750 --> 00:15:13,583 You've got to have a modicum of faith in who you are. 333 00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,208 It's a snap. 334 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,709 Cool. 335 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,792 -(knocking on door) -Welcome, new friend, 336 00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:22,333 whoever you are. 337 00:15:23,375 --> 00:15:26,041 Homie! You're here a day early. 338 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:27,792 BOTH: Mom! 339 00:15:27,875 --> 00:15:31,250 Mm. Oh, I've missed you all so much. 340 00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:32,917 How are you guys? 341 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,959 Oh! We were, of course, unraveling. 342 00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:39,125 Bart, Lisa, your Grampa is taking good care of you. 343 00:15:39,208 --> 00:15:40,792 -(meows) -Now where's the baby? 344 00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:44,792 Aw. Good girl. 345 00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:47,375 Um, I like what you're wearing. 346 00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:50,333 Thank you. These are locally-sourced dungarees 347 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:51,583 and Pendleton flannel. 348 00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:54,917 It's what Jill Sobule wore when she played the Crystal Ballroom. 349 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,875 (gasps) Jill Sobule? 350 00:15:56,959 --> 00:16:00,375 Like every other place we go, I love Portland. 351 00:16:00,458 --> 00:16:02,375 So much, I want to leave Springfield 352 00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:05,417 until I find out something bad that makes me realize 353 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,125 that there's no place like home. 354 00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:10,000 Now, now, your mother has not settled in here. 355 00:16:10,083 --> 00:16:11,375 PAULA: Welcome. 356 00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:14,417 These are our pugs, Nike and Swoosh. 357 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:15,625 BOTH: Mwah. 358 00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:33,875 Marjorie, could you and I have a word in the backyard? 359 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,792 Don't you see what's happening here? 360 00:16:35,875 --> 00:16:38,375 -You're married. -Yes, I know. 361 00:16:38,458 --> 00:16:41,709 -To you. -No, to her. Look around. 362 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,625 You're married in the two most important ways there are, 363 00:16:44,709 --> 00:16:47,041 emotionally and cooking. 364 00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:49,458 (chuckles) Oh. That's ridiculous. 365 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,834 (quietly) You're fostering pugs. 366 00:16:51,917 --> 00:16:54,000 -They remind me of you. -Aw. 367 00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:56,667 But I am upset. I'm finally good at something 368 00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:58,750 and you have to be jealous. 369 00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:01,041 Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you. 370 00:17:01,125 --> 00:17:02,709 I'm not jealous or mad. 371 00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:05,417 It's just... when are you coming home? 372 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,875 Tomorrow, after the competition. 373 00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:09,709 Woo-hoo! I win. 374 00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:12,166 -Not that I was nervous. -(phone vibrating) 375 00:17:16,625 --> 00:17:19,125 Unless we win, in which case, 376 00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:21,375 I might stay and prep for the finals. 377 00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:24,208 Marge, I've backed you in this from day one. 378 00:17:24,291 --> 00:17:25,959 No, you haven't. Not a bit. 379 00:17:26,041 --> 00:17:28,458 Then it's too late to start now. 380 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:35,583 Oh, I'm sitting in a bar 381 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:38,417 and my wife's in love with a female lumberjack. 382 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,542 Classic Portland. Where are you from? 383 00:17:40,625 --> 00:17:41,750 Springfield. 384 00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:44,542 -Which one? Oregon? -I don't know. 385 00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:46,542 ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Grizzly Timbersports 386 00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,542 Northwest Championship Finals, 387 00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:50,542 brought to you by no one. 388 00:17:50,625 --> 00:17:52,041 Still looking. 389 00:17:53,458 --> 00:17:55,917 Marge and Paula are in control. 390 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,291 I am falling in love with this sport. 391 00:17:58,375 --> 00:18:00,625 And when I fall, I fall hard. 392 00:18:00,709 --> 00:18:02,834 I'm taking you home with me. 393 00:18:02,917 --> 00:18:04,083 (chitters) 394 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,750 Hold the Stella, fella. 395 00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:10,291 Carol "Oak" Connor and Rachel "The Pine" Cohen 396 00:18:10,375 --> 00:18:11,834 have taken command. 397 00:18:14,166 --> 00:18:16,917 I can't be silent anymore. Let me through. 398 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,417 -Eh. -There's plenty of room. 399 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,583 -Marge, I was a lumber-jerk. -(grunting) 400 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,458 I'm only happy if you're happy. 401 00:18:22,542 --> 00:18:24,458 Our love is like an old tree. 402 00:18:24,542 --> 00:18:28,333 If you cut it down, it grows back stronger. 403 00:18:28,417 --> 00:18:30,000 (quietly) Um, that's not how trees work. 404 00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:32,333 Well, according to my book, it is. 405 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:34,959 (grunting) 406 00:18:36,458 --> 00:18:39,166 -Yay! All right. -(cheering) 407 00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:41,125 I love this sport! 408 00:18:41,208 --> 00:18:44,792 And maybe now I can love my lumberjack son. 409 00:18:44,875 --> 00:18:46,667 (crying) 410 00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,000 Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion 411 00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:53,000 and winner of a Bass Pro Shops $50 gift card, 412 00:18:53,083 --> 00:18:54,291 Marge Simpson. 413 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,834 -(exclaims) -All right, champ! 414 00:18:57,834 --> 00:18:59,083 See you in the showers. 415 00:18:59,166 --> 00:19:02,333 Congratulations, Paula. You won. 416 00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:04,500 Enjoy the hell out of her. 417 00:19:04,583 --> 00:19:07,500 Homer, what is it you think that I've won? 418 00:19:07,583 --> 00:19:09,500 With me, Marge is a good woman. 419 00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:12,834 With you, Marge is a great woman with two awesome dogs. 420 00:19:12,917 --> 00:19:14,875 I'm not interested in Marge. 421 00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:17,709 -I have a wife and a kid. -You have a wife? 422 00:19:17,792 --> 00:19:19,709 She's in Tokyo, training for the Olympics. 423 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,583 She dances... 424 00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:24,417 with the ribbons? I don't know what it's called. 425 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:26,709 So you're not breaking us up? 426 00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:29,750 No. I mean, I'll miss her on the other end of the bucksaw, 427 00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,875 and I'll really miss that $80 grand prize money, 428 00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:36,041 but she's welcome to come up here and train any time. 429 00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:39,000 I am so grateful. I want to do something for you. 430 00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:42,959 If you'd like another kid, I am more than happy to offer up my sperm. 431 00:19:43,041 --> 00:19:44,834 That's very kind, but... 432 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,834 No really, I've always wanted to have a kid 433 00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:49,041 with no responsibilities. 434 00:19:49,125 --> 00:19:50,834 All right. You're in the top three. 435 00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:53,709 It's you, the track star or the Harvard professor. 436 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,041 Oh, I get it. 437 00:19:55,125 --> 00:19:57,166 Instead of sperm, would you like semen? 438 00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,875 -They're the same thing. -They are? Uh-oh. 439 00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:02,542 Oh, it still feels weird. 440 00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:03,792 I don't know what to say to her. 441 00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:05,250 (whispers indistinctly) 442 00:20:05,333 --> 00:20:07,417 I never would've thought of that. 443 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,458 Honey, would you like to come home? 444 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,333 Aw. Okay. 445 00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:18,583 Your daddy loves you, sweetie. He wants to make sure 446 00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:21,583 you're always a strong, confident little lady. 447 00:20:21,667 --> 00:20:23,875 So I went out and got you this. 448 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:26,375 Mwah. 449 00:20:28,083 --> 00:20:29,709 (buzzes) 450 00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:32,667 Aw, her baby head fell out. 451 00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:36,041 You'll be getting a visit from the Head Fairy. 452 00:20:40,959 --> 00:20:43,583 ♪ I walked out of the forest ♪ 453 00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,875 ♪ Before we said goodbye ♪ 454 00:20:45,959 --> 00:20:48,291 ♪ The birds were all a-singing ♪ 455 00:20:48,375 --> 00:20:50,875 ♪ As she pointed to the sky ♪ 456 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:53,875 ♪ She said, "Can't you see the rainbow? ♪ 457 00:20:53,959 --> 00:20:56,083 ♪ They made it just for you" ♪ 458 00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:58,375 ♪ She handed me her toolbox ♪ 459 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,542 ♪ Said, "Now you know what to do" ♪ 460 00:21:01,625 --> 00:21:04,291 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 461 00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:06,750 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 462 00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:09,500 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 463 00:21:09,583 --> 00:21:11,792 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 464 00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:14,375 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 465 00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:16,750 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 466 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:19,542 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 467 00:21:19,625 --> 00:21:23,041 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 468 00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:25,542 -(murmuring) -Shh!