1
00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,006
(caws)
2
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:08,091
♪ ♪
3
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,761
(exclaims)
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,893
(school bell rings)
5
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:22,022
(burps)
6
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,190
(whistle blows)
7
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,775
(yells)
8
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,239
(beeps)
9
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,870
♪ ♪
10
00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,955
(playing lively jazz music)
11
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:44,794
(tires screech)
12
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:48,882
D'oh!
13
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,467
(grunts)
14
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,431
D'oh!
15
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,516
♪ ♪
16
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,815
♪ ♪
17
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,942
♪ They fought for years ♪
18
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,527
♪ With guns and garden shears ♪
19
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,198
♪ Years, years, years,
tears, tears, tears ♪
20
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,991
-♪ It's the Itchy and Scratchy ♪
-(grunts)
21
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,827
♪ Marathon! ♪
22
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,246
(cheering, whooping)
23
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,546
KRUSTY (tiredly):
Episode 10,432:
24
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,215
"Leave It To Cleaver."
25
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,510
(yowling)
26
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:37,180
ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by
delicious Cream of Rye.
27
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,015
(weary chuckling)
28
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,725
Which one's the cat?
29
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,479
Okay. (yawns)
30
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,815
Hour 14 of our marathon.
31
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:50,985
Now let's watch Episode 10,433:
32
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,196
"Cat Scratch Cleaver"!
33
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,031
Enough with the cartoons.
34
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,574
You'll rot your brains.
35
00:01:56,658 --> 00:02:00,161
(Homer and Bart mumbling)
36
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,579
HOMER:
Leave brain alone.
37
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:05,333
Ugh, I've been watching so much
TV I can't move my head.
38
00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,043
-I'll fix him.
-Careful, Dad!
39
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,712
If I'd have been careful,
I wouldn't have had you.
40
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,005
-(crack)
-(grunts)
-Ooh!
41
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,006
(grunts)
42
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,383
Eh? Eh?
43
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,218
-(Marge growls)
-(neck cracks)
44
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,220
Now I can't go to school.
Or church.
45
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,347
Hallelujah! Aah!
46
00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,724
We're going to spend
family time together
47
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,726
without watching TV.
48
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:24,727
Mom is right.
49
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,855
Americans watch way too much TV.
50
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,690
How many hours?
Let me Google that.
51
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,068
Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B.
52
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,987
(hoots) Let me Google that.
53
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,240
Turn off the devices,
pronto!
54
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,575
Pronto. Odd word.
55
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,243
-Let me Google that.
-Mm. Mm.
56
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,203
Hey, I'm doing something
educational.
57
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,872
Educational, my foot.
58
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,540
I saw pixels.
59
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,083
It's TunnelCraft.
60
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,253
A simulated world where
you explore, mine resources,
61
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,964
and work with friends to build
replicas of real buildings.
62
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:54,132
Can you die in it?
63
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,259
-Yes.
-It's a video game.
64
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,303
I got a family activity for ya.
65
00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:00,889
In the Depression,
we'd sit around the wood stove
66
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,433
and sing songs about poverty.
67
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,810
♪ Old poor Joe,
the starving boy ♪
68
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,645
♪ Had worms burrow in his feet ♪
69
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,481
♪ He heard there was work
in Portland ♪
70
00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,442
♪ But sadly he heard wrong ♪
71
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,278
♪ Oh, the railroad bulls,
they rousted him ♪
72
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,405
♪ And stuck him in a sack ♪
73
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,616
♪ They tied him to the train ♪
74
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,576
♪ And pulled him
down the track ♪
75
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,453
♪ They threw him
off the bridge ♪
76
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,121
♪ And they kicked him
in the head and they... ♪
77
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,289
Enough!
78
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,749
-I know what we're going to do.
-Huh?
79
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,833
-Aw.
-We're going to go out.
80
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,168
We're going to get some books
81
00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:32,003
and we're going to read
those books.
82
00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,922
This is the very last chance
83
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,633
for this family to get reading
in their lives.
84
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,885
So get on your feet, bubs.
85
00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,094
(groaning)
86
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,513
We are taking a walk.
87
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:43,973
(moans)
88
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:44,974
To the library.
89
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,309
(moans louder)
90
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,685
Where you'll have to be quiet.
91
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,020
(moans very quietly)
92
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,522
Wait, you're closing?
93
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,608
You wanna read?
Start with the sign.
94
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,277
Oh, can't we just go in
for five minutes?
95
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,654
Up to you.
96
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,864
But after 2:00,
the silverfish take over.
97
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:01,824
Ah!
98
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,743
I just wanted to renew my card!
99
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,794
Hmm. DVDs,
plush toys, crullers--
100
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,629
I don't see many books.
101
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,340
Yeah, the only actual books
are coffee table books.
102
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,050
Barn Doors of Topeka,
103
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,510
Dogs Eating Ice Cream,
104
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,679
Jigsaw Puzzles
with One Piece Missing,
105
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180
Man-Killing Snakes
of the Amazon...
106
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,684
Sir! Never say "Amazon"
in a bookstore.
107
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,560
Amazon! Of course!
108
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,562
Alexa!
109
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,314
Order books!
110
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,732
ALEXA (on phone):
I already did.
111
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,401
Your mind is open to me.
112
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,902
They'll be home before I am.
113
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,904
(sniffles, moans)
114
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,739
Ma'am, if you really
want to read,
115
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,533
check out our proprietary
e-reader:
116
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,159
the Bookaccino "Niche."
117
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,202
Um, excuse me.
118
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,162
That device is poorly designed.
119
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,539
I would register my disgust,
120
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,666
but it corrects
with auto praise.
121
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,711
Hmm.
122
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:55,795
Ugh!
123
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,883
MARGE: Finally,
a bookstore that sells books.
124
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,511
(Homer grunts, strains)
125
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,263
-HOMER: Oh, oatmeal.
-I love the smell of old books.
126
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,265
(inhales) Ah...
127
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:08,349
Wouldn't do that, miss.
128
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,726
The air in here
129
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,227
has a lot of
particulate rat droppings.
130
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,228
Ugh!
131
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,396
Okay.
132
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,689
Let's book up and bug out.
133
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,232
Here you go, Bart:
134
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,608
The Sisterhood of
the Traveling Pants.
135
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,569
Maggie: In Cold Blood.
136
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,904
Lisa: With No Apologies: The
Memoirs of Barry Goldwater.
137
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,240
(sucking faster and faster)
138
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,534
Lisa, look!
139
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:30,246
The Princess in the Garden,
by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
140
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,289
Hmm.
141
00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,957
It's my very favorite book
142
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,417
from when I was a girl.
143
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,752
It's for ages ten and up,
144
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,086
but I think you're ready.
145
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,671
If you think so.
146
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:44,719
Wait a minute.
147
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,471
One bar... two bars...
148
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,722
five bars.
149
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,265
You're not reading a book.
150
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,642
-You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot!
-Dad, please.
151
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,728
I'm trying to reserve tickets
to TunnelCraft-Con.
152
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,482
What? What the hell is that?
153
00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,108
Uh, duh, it's a convention
154
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,485
for kids who play TunnelCraft.
155
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,236
It's got skins, betas, mods--
156
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,405
exclusive access
to the top devs.
157
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,574
No convention.
And that's almost final.
158
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,743
But I'm dying to go, fatso.
159
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,329
-Now it is final!
-(grunts)
160
00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,332
What do you have for a kid
161
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,167
who wishes his father was dead?
162
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,586
Try this. The Art of War,
163
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,964
written 3,000 years ago
by General Sun Tzu.
164
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,301
Well, there's "war" in the title
and very few pages.
165
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,303
The only flaw is it's a book.
166
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,599
Young man, are you sure
you want war with your father?
167
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,520
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
168
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,480
I do not seek war,
169
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,816
but neither do I turn away.
170
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:42,360
♪ ♪
171
00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,278
If you use this book,
172
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:49,033
your father will lie shattered
before the gates of your palace.
173
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,160
(laughs)
174
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,204
Oh, mighty general!
175
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:56,165
I beg to be
your unworthy footstool.
176
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,626
When he sleeps, I will steal
the jewels from his topknot.
177
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,002
(cackles)
178
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,005
Hey, Mom,
I found something to read!
179
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,841
Wonderful!
180
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,843
What a great family day.
181
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,387
And there is only one
perfect way
182
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,390
to complete a great family day.
183
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:13,975
So, how's the family?
184
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,477
I think they went to dinner.
Something nice.
185
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,530
(gasps) Nelson's coming our way.
186
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,698
(moans)
187
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,658
My nose is pre-bleeding.
188
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,244
I'm picking on Bart.
189
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,829
You like books, huh?
190
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,373
Well, here's a bookmark.
191
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,878
If your enemy is easily enraged,
irritate him.
192
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,504
I heard you're not strong,
you're just fat.
193
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,173
Fat? Me?
194
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,550
You try eating healthy
at a strip club buffet!
195
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,843
Oh!
196
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,347
Whoa! Willy!
197
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,724
-(knocking on door)
-Get me out of here!
198
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,603
-(bagpipes playing over earbuds)
-It's on fire! Willy!
199
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,608
Hmm. Maybe wisdom isn't
so stupid after all.
200
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,569
Milhouse, I'm gonna use this
book to go to TunnelCraft-Con.
201
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,237
Here's the book I'm reading.
202
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,739
When I finish this,
203
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,617
I'll have read
every Mary Kate and Ashley book.
204
00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,495
Sometimes I feel like
the third sister.
205
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,787
(owl hooting)
206
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:17,788
Ooh.
207
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,082
He opposed the religious right.
208
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:23,586
Okay, this is my favorite book
ever, but no pressure.
209
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,254
You realize saying "no pressure"
210
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,465
puts me under
tremendous pressure.
211
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,468
Then let's get started.
212
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,594
"Not all English girls
213
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:32,970
"grow up in England.
214
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,889
"Clara grew up in South America
215
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:37,975
"where she was raised
by many native servants.
216
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,938
But they were too naturally
servile to oppose her will."
217
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,856
-Hmm.
-LISA: "Naturally" what?
218
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:46,943
(British accent):
Uncle Juan?
219
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,946
Would you clap as I dance?
220
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,323
Rhythm... rhythm...
221
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,535
(sharply): Mind the rhythm
or you'll feel the lash!
222
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,829
-(gasps)
-Mom, why'd you stop reading?
223
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,999
It's just a little different
than I remembered.
224
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,292
Let's skip ahead.
225
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,462
A father murdered
by loco banana picker,
226
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,340
Clara baptizing savages
without their permission...
227
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:11,342
Oh, okay, okay, here we go.
228
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,177
Clara is now an orphan
229
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,138
and was sent to live with
her lonely uncle in the hills.
230
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,974
She meets a boy named Conor.
231
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,352
Like all Irish, he was
feeble-witted and drunk.
232
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,814
(Irish accent): This is the part
you deem acceptable?
233
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,191
The Irish are
nobody's joke anymore.
234
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,193
♪ Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! ♪
235
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,154
CONOR: I'm goin' on
a hunger strike in here!
236
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,324
(moans) So weak.
So weak...
237
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,701
-Yah-hah!
-(screams)
238
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,328
Another childhood classic
bites the dust.
239
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,122
Is that a coolie hat?
240
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,165
Nighty-night!
241
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,253
I bet my booklight is shining
on something offensive.
242
00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:48,838
MARGE:
Oh...
243
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,464
Darn it.
244
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,218
Oh... (grunts)
245
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,847
Heloise Hodgeson Burwell?
246
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,057
(British accent): Why did you
stop reading my book?
247
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,518
Your daughter is just the kind
of girl I wrote it for--
248
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,521
-obedient, well-fed and white.
-Shh!
249
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,356
(upper-class British accent):
Oh, calm yourself, Marge.
250
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,567
Dreams are where it's okay
to be racist.
251
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,193
Rudyard Kipling!
252
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,030
Yes. You should read my first
draft of The Jungle Book.
253
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,032
At the end,
Mowgli uses his elephants
254
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,827
to stomp out some Hindus
seeking limited voting rights.
255
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,912
All in good fun.
256
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:26,042
Marge, I suppose
you could edit my book
257
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,044
to your daughter's
sensibilities.
258
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,588
Wow. An author
that wants rewrites.
259
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466
Well, that's what
makes this a dream.
260
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,968
Now the war begins.
261
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,553
MILHOUSE:
Not yet!
262
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,221
I haven't finished my costume.
263
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:43,643
I'm doing period sewing
with bird bones as needles.
264
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,772
♪ ♪
265
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,565
LENNY:
Wait.
266
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,233
Why do you want me to text you
267
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,819
when your father's
getting in the car?
268
00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:58,240
That's none of your business--
but let's just say
269
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,576
both of us will benefit.
270
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,203
(gasps)
A trombone mute?
271
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,080
But I don't have a trombone.
272
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,207
Open the other box.
273
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,625
Oh, my God!
274
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,710
♪ ♪
275
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,676
-(gong crashes)
-(gasping)
276
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,927
(Bart laughing)
277
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,598
All right, Simpson,
blow into this.
278
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,101
Now make it into a rabbit.
279
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,603
All right.
Ralphie's birthday is today,
280
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,647
and you're the entertainment.
281
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,024
(Homer groans)
282
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,276
What's going on? It's like
someone's out to get me.
283
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,986
I have to be
focused and careful.
284
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:39,115
Nothing will break my concen...
Ooh! Wild milk ball.
285
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,866
(chomping)
286
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,288
(gulping)
287
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,252
♪ ♪
288
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,754
Bart! You're behind this?
289
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,591
That's right. And it looks like
someone is stuck in the mud.
290
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,719
(shrieks)
Help me, boy!
291
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:03,305
I will save you if you do
what I say from now on...
292
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,058
starting with going
to TunnelCraft-Con.
293
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,643
Sure. Just pull me out
294
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,979
by your sneaky little neck!
295
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,231
(Homer grunting)
296
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:13,649
(moans)
297
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,693
Just be aware that
if something happens to me,
298
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,529
Mom finds out about your
secret stash of Drake's Cakes.
299
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:19,780
What secret stash?
300
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,992
Pier 18, shipping container
number 4-7-9-5-2.
301
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,827
D'oh!
302
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,997
I was offered a deal
and I took it. Okay, I give.
303
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,832
Louder, dog!
304
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:31,417
Okay!
305
00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:35,629
(gasping)
306
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,216
Huh. You really think
you can control me?
307
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,177
Malted milk ball.
308
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,887
Ooh!
309
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,397
(Marge panting)
310
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,192
Okay. Here's a new version
311
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,986
of The Princess in the Garden.
312
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:00,529
(tired sigh)
313
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,698
-Mom, you're exhausted.
-It takes a lot of work
314
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,367
to take the spirit and character
out of a book.
315
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:09,705
But now it's as inoffensive
as a Sunday in Cincinnati.
316
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,208
"Once there was a cisgender girl
named Clara.
317
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,210
"She lived in South America,
318
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,378
"fighting
for wild horse rescue...
319
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,714
(neighing)
320
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,716
...and net neutrality."
321
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,218
(electrical buzzing)
322
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,886
LISA:
This new Clara
323
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,222
sounds like she starts out
pretty perfect.
324
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,723
You betcha!
325
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767
But since she's already evolved,
326
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:32,728
she doesn't really have an
emotional journey to complete.
327
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,398
-Nope.
-Kind of means there's
no point to the book.
328
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,234
Well, what am I supposed to do?
329
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,777
It's hard to say.
330
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,779
Something that started
decades ago
331
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,739
and was applauded
and inoffensive,
332
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,741
is now politically incorrect.
333
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,409
What can you do?
334
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,412
Some things will be dealt with
at a later date.
335
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,748
If at all.
336
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,251
-Hey, Simpsons.
We'll see you in church.
-Not today you won't.
337
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,253
Oh. Well, we'll say
a prayer for you.
338
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,129
Don't mention my name, weirdo.
339
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,800
Dear Lord, forgive that boy.
340
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,094
He knows not what he says.
341
00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,973
(aggravated groan)
What does that weirdo want now?
342
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:10,683
♪ ♪
343
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,037
(cheering, whooping)
344
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,415
Ow!
345
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,460
My feet hurt.
There's too much cosplay,
346
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,962
whatever that is.
347
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,131
-Can we go home?
-Quiet, you.
348
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,465
It's the two greatest
TunnelCraft players
349
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,675
of all time!
350
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:46,594
Those guys make awesome videos
351
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,721
where they play
TunnelCraft together.
352
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,472
Has the world gone mad?
353
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,225
Their banter is legendary.
354
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310
-Got that?
-Yeah.
355
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,311
-Go left.
-Right.
356
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,146
-Left. Go right.
-Right.
357
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,147
-Dig.
-Dig.
358
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,148
Dig.
359
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,316
-Dig.
-Cool.
360
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,817
That's why they
call me Tunnel-Rat.
361
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,485
-I'm Tunnel-Rat.
-Oh, right.
362
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,404
-Oh-ho...
-Oh, awesome!
363
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:09,325
-What the...?
-Calm down.
364
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,160
It's me, Daniel Radcliffe.
365
00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,662
This is how I see conventions:
incognito.
366
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,664
Otherwise the fans envelope me.
367
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,249
Oh, that's ridiculous!
368
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,667
Daniel Radcliffe!
369
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,336
He knows Rupert Grint!
370
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,629
Yes, I do. He's lovely.
371
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,089
Oh! Oh, God!
What are you... Aah! Aah!
372
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,550
I loved him.
373
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,177
Please, can we go now?
374
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,137
No! You wait
in the poster-signing line.
375
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,139
And don't sign them yourself.
376
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,058
I'll know.
377
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,518
Milhouse, by God,
378
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:40,481
if you want a ride home,
you tell me what Bart's up to.
379
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,274
Okay. Bart's been using
380
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,485
an ancient Chinese book
against you.
381
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,279
I knew it. Except for
the ancient Chinese book part,
382
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,530
I knew it!
383
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,616
♪ ♪
384
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,871
Why are you bringing me here?
385
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,207
These professors have some
very interesting news for you
386
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,042
about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
387
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,127
Meanwhile,
I'll sit on this chair
388
00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,213
and imagine I'm grading papers.
389
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,131
(hums a tune)
Ah.
390
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,509
Ah, Marge Simpson,
the fan of Burwell.
391
00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,552
(chuckles)
We are all Burwelleans.
392
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,222
You don't mind that her books
are a little...
393
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,057
grandma on the veranda?
394
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:19,186
Marge, Burwell's whole life was
a protest against conformity.
395
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,689
-Yeah, she never married.
-Had no children.
396
00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,400
She lived
in Provincetown, Mass...
397
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,652
a-chu-setts.
398
00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,989
Heloise Burwell is
a lesbian icon!
399
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,074
Her "offensive" stereotypes
400
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,327
were actually a self-consciously
ironic protest
401
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,413
against her own oppression.
402
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,124
How much of that
do you actually believe?
403
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,959
Mmm... most.
404
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,544
So much to take in.
405
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:45,629
How do you deal with it all?
406
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,506
With the help of sherry.
407
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,759
Yes. Sherry, bring in
the hard liquor, please.
408
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,596
(grunts, gasps)
409
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,599
Okay. Now you can ask me
about Lewis Carroll.
410
00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:02,062
♪ ♪
411
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,025
Remember:
all warfare is deception.
412
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,693
Shut up.
413
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,112
I'm trying to fool my kid.
414
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,577
Bart, son, if you don't mind,
I brought a friend over.
415
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,828
Mm-hmm.
416
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:18,912
Flanders?!
417
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,706
Great to be here, pal-o-mino.
418
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,458
I brought some potent grass
419
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,626
that'll get this party started.
Bluegrass!
420
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,463
♪ Chicken's in the henhouse,
pig is in the poke ♪
421
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,590
♪ The whole dang farm
feels okily-doke ♪
422
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:31,633
♪ Goin' up to Cripple Creek,
swimmin' fully dressed ♪
423
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,386
♪ Not being naked,
oh, that's the best. ♪
424
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,348
Mr. Flanders. Again?
425
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,641
No siree, Bart!
426
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,268
It's me, your Homereeno!
427
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:42,644
Morning, friend-till-the-end.
428
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,147
Ready to greet the day
with a big ho-hey?
429
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,817
Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy,
'cause I'm ready to roll!
430
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,402
Then let's hi-diddley-go!
431
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,238
If anyone can do it,
it's we two-it!
432
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,449
-Yes, indeedle, doddily...
-Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily.
433
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,577
(both singing
Flanders gibberish)
434
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,872
Oh, my God.
He's even gone left-handed.
435
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,834
Now we're gonna take you
to a movie rated R
436
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,836
for "really old and boring."
437
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,505
(aggravated groan)
438
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:12,508
(orchestral waltz playing)
439
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:13,884
(projector clicking)
440
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,348
♪ ♪
441
00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:31,193
(laughter)
442
00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:34,279
Oh, no, he daren't!
(chuckles)
443
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:38,617
Dad, please, isn't there any way
to get the old Homer back?
444
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,537
Well, now, Bartly, why would
you want that balding boob...
445
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,372
(gasps)
Ooh, I said "boob"!
446
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,207
Uh-oh. Time for me
to do a turtle.
447
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,376
I'll come out
when the B-bombs stop flying.
448
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,837
Please, I want my dad--
not this horrible creature
449
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,047
from the depths of Heaven
you've become.
450
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,715
If you truly surrender,
451
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,218
give me your Halloween candy.
452
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,719
But it's March.
453
00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,638
Most of it's still good.
454
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:00,806
Fine.
455
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,683
Now, bow to your master,
456
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:04,726
because you are the fool,
457
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,896
and I, the greater fool!
458
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,065
Dad! You read the book, too?
459
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,317
Up to page five.
460
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,404
Now, come here, son,
and grab some belly.
461
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,780
(chuckles):
Aw.
462
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,741
Excuse me. These films
are original nitrate prints.
463
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:23,370
Which means the theater has
just gone up in a terrible fire.
464
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,997
You have seconds to escape!
465
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,916
(organ plays fanfare)
466
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,669
They never tell the organist.
467
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,049
(lively piano rag playing)
468
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,316
Hmm, so that film
is a hundred years old?
469
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:55,110
No. We shot it
at my place yesterday.
470
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,075
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
471
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,952
♪ To Ned and Rod and Todd ♪
472
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,706
♪ And I'll remind all you folks
you should be praisin' God ♪
473
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,168
♪ If you don't, you'll rot
in Hell for all eternity ♪
474
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:15,130
♪ It's all a part of God's great
love he has for you and me. ♪
475
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,007
Y'all come back, now.
Y'hear?
476
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,550
Shh!
477
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,973
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH