1
00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:04,629
(Bart choking loudly)
2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,008
♪ ♪
3
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,594
(exclaims)
4
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:18,685
(school bell rings)
5
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,022
(burps)
6
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,107
(whistle blows)
7
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,608
(yells)
8
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,156
(beeps)
9
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,745
♪ ♪
10
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,830
(playing arpeggios)
11
00:00:58,933 --> 00:00:59,934
-(horn honks)
-(Grampa yells)
12
00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:01,936
(tires screech)
13
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,149
D'oh!
14
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,776
(grunts)
15
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,694
♪ ♪
16
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,112
(knock on door)
17
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,658
(wind whistles)
18
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,744
("America the Beautiful"
playing)
19
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,707
(old-timey piano music playing)
20
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,509
(man groans)
21
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:34,594
(lively jazz music playing)
22
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,431
(upbeat rock and roll music
playing)
23
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,353
(The Simpsons theme playing)
24
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,944
(warbling electronic music
playing)
25
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,247
D'oh!
26
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,716
♪ ♪
27
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,558
Great birthday trip.
28
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,394
One more thing to remind me
of my insignificance.
29
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,646
(Grampa groans)
30
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:30,441
Two adults, one student,
one boy who just phones it in,
31
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,236
and a senior citizen veteran
on his birthday.
32
00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:35,530
Oh, and I'd like to apply
my astronaut discount.
33
00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,323
I'll need to see your diaper.
34
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,077
Typical cheapskate Homer.
35
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,663
Taking all the fun
out of turning 87.
36
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,665
Get this stupid
party hat off me!
37
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:46,666
What the...?
38
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,418
Oh, I'll fix it.
39
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,838
(Grampa groans)
40
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,844
Woo-hoo! 182!
41
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,638
Homer, that's your weight
on the moon.
42
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:01,931
(shrieks)
43
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,349
PLUTO (distorted):
I used to be a planet.
44
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,560
Then one day they called
and said it was over.
45
00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:07,562
It's over when I say it's over!
46
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:09,355
So sad.
47
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,773
But I'll be back.
48
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,358
I'm working on some stuff.
49
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:16,112
Let's just say you might not be
seeing Halley's Comet no more.
50
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,198
(orchestral music playing
faintly inside)
51
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,120
Losers.
52
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,581
(orchestral music playing)
53
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:33,213
NARRATOR: Forged in a nanosecond
in the Big Bang,
54
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,715
our universe is so enormous,
55
00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:39,052
every NFL stadium
could fit inside it.
56
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:41,346
And their parking lots.
57
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,223
(crowd oohing, gasping)
58
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:44,891
When's this show gonna start?
59
00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,643
It has started.
60
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:49,520
(stammers) How can it have
started if I'm talking?
61
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,064
Wouldn't that bother everyone?
62
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:55,276
Quiet!
I can't hear the Big Bang!
63
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,905
NARRATOR: Approximately
13.8 billion years ago...
64
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,740
-(gasps) Billion?
-...the universe consisted of
65
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:03,910
a tiny singularity
of enormous mass,
66
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:07,914
which suddenly burst forth
in the greatest explosion ever.
67
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,750
Fire in the theater!
68
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,962
No! Your pupils aren't
ready for Earth light!
69
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,339
(crowd screams, gasps)
70
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,132
Damn it, I was developing film!
71
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,510
(jazz band playing
"In the Mood" over stereo)
72
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,767
Turn it up!
73
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,143
I can't hear it!
74
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,604
Louder!
75
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,607
Keep it down!
76
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,526
(tires screech, music stops)
77
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,824
Mm, happy birthday.
78
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,159
I never want to hear that again!
79
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,370
♪ Happy birthday ♪
80
00:04:47,453 --> 00:04:50,290
♪ To you ♪
81
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,667
♪ Happy birthday ♪
82
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:55,586
♪ To you. ♪
83
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,505
Say my name, you cowards!
84
00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,340
Make a wish, party pooper.
85
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,634
Okay, I will.
86
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,719
(man groans)
87
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,805
That was a coincidence.
88
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,891
I got you
the one birthday present
89
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,601
you can really use.
90
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,937
A call girl that kills me after?
91
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:16,149
-A hearing aid.
-A hearing aid?
92
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,110
Forget it. People will think
I'm old, dadgummit.
93
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:20,445
You are old.
94
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:23,614
You've lived long enough
to see your prejudiced attitudes
95
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,116
come back into fashion.
96
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:27,827
Lousy Greeks.
97
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:31,914
-(bird chirping)
-(Grampa gasps)
98
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,918
(wind whistling)
99
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,545
(bingo balls clacking)
100
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,297
(needles clicking)
101
00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,549
(man snoring)
102
00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:43,885
(loud dripping)
103
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:44,886
(chirping)
104
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,679
♪ ♪
105
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,693
(laughs)
106
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,111
Thank you.
107
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,531
Bart! Bart!
108
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:06,824
Wake up.
109
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,576
-Yo. What's up?
-Listen.
110
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,244
The planetarium said
the universe is
111
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,705
13.8 billion years old.
112
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,583
But I turned in a paper
where I said million!
113
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,210
What do you want from me?
114
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,878
(snake rattles)
115
00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,296
I was just wondering
116
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,925
if you were planning on breaking
into the school anytime soon.
117
00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:25,718
You know, like, maybe tonight.
118
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,011
Nope. Not till next month.
119
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,262
Please.
120
00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:29,722
I'll do your homework!
121
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,808
Sounds like you can't even
do your own homework.
122
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,893
-Ouch.
-Yeah, you think about that
123
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:36,396
while I'm breaking you
into the school.
124
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:37,730
LISA:
Hmm.
125
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,524
MARGE:
Who's breaking into the school?
126
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,526
Bart's just talking
in his sleep!
127
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,820
MARGE: I believe that.
Trust you. Good night!
128
00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:49,700
How did you know
this door was broken?
129
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,244
Eh, Willie keeps me posted.
130
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:52,912
I keep him in licorice.
131
00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,205
(grunts)
132
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,916
Willie's riding
the red pony tonight.
133
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:59,544
(moaning)
134
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,302
Look who's got pumpkin stickers!
135
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,680
Bart, those are for Halloween.
136
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,433
Also Thanksgiving,
if there's some left over.
137
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:21,774
Whoa! Where has this been
all my life?
138
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,819
Come on, let's go!
139
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:27,071
Okay. You fixed
your stupid paper,
140
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,449
and I scored
the teacher's nicotine gum.
141
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,326
She does that so she doesn't
smell like cigarettes, you know.
142
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,328
Yeah, and she should also
get some booze gum.
143
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:37,832
(mechanical buzzing)
144
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:39,333
What's that?
145
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:40,918
Maybe it's the ghost of that boy
146
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:44,130
who had to climb that rope
in gym until his heart exploded.
147
00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:46,132
(gasps) You're making that up.
148
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,176
Am I that creative?
149
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,552
No.
150
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,637
(mechanical buzzing continues)
151
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,356
(mechanical buzzing continues)
152
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,817
Oh, God.
153
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:05,902
(gasps)
154
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:08,988
Principal Skinner.
155
00:08:09,071 --> 00:08:11,240
Are you living in the school?
156
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,994
Absolutely not.
And you have no proof.
157
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,206
(groans)
158
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,376
Seymour, why are you
living here?
159
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,669
You have a house.
160
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,421
With 30 pizzas on the way.
161
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,589
30 pizzas.
162
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,550
I can finally send mama
back to Italy! Mwah!
163
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:31,219
It's not my house,
it's Mother's.
164
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,181
But after what I just found out
she did, I can never go back.
165
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,892
They say it's better to talk
about it, but I never will.
166
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,310
-Okay.
-We understand.
167
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,437
Seriously, don't ask
what it was.
168
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,606
-Are you asking?
-I was stretching.
169
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,982
Then why'd you only
stretch one arm?
170
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,776
It's the only arm
that needed stretching.
171
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:48,319
Fine, I'll tell you what it was.
172
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:49,654
-You don't have to.
-Really, it's okay.
173
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:50,655
We believe you.
174
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:51,948
Ever since I was a kid,
175
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,574
I-I wanted to be a drummer.
176
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,284
-In a rock band?
-No.
177
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,453
Marching.
178
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,290
I would've given all I had
to be the dot on that "I."
179
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,833
It's also called a "tittle."
180
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,126
Don't you think I know that?
181
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,087
I did everything I could
to make that band.
182
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:10,091
In my application, I sent
songs and choreographies.
183
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,176
(lively marching band music
playing)
184
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,896
I'm a shoo-in!
185
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,196
Then the fateful day came.
186
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:36,075
Son, you got a letter from
Ohio State University.
187
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:38,244
I'm too nervous to get up.
188
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,746
-Do you want me
to read it to you? -Yes.
189
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,458
I'm sorry.
190
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,876
You were rejected.
191
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,211
Uh, seems kind of thick.
192
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,838
Well, they gave you
a lot of reasons
193
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,172
why you weren't good enough.
194
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,174
♪ ♪
195
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,010
That's so sad.
196
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,345
There's more I have to tell you.
197
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,348
I was going to surprise Mother
by papering her drawers,
198
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,850
then I found this.
199
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,143
I was accepted.
200
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,311
She lied.
201
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,146
That's so sad.
202
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,772
-(Bart chuckles)
-What makes this really tragic
203
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,858
is there was also
a personal handwritten letter
204
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,276
from the Director of Admissions.
205
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,412
(sniffs)
What's that smell?
206
00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:24,457
I'm making spaghetti
and kick balls.
207
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,978
Does it get worse than that?
208
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,688
How could it be worse than that?
209
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,649
May I see the letter?
210
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,652
(scoffs) I must say your
sympathy is a pleasant surprise.
211
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:55,112
No, this is just the only
college acceptance letter
212
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,489
I'll ever hold.
213
00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:00,159
Mm.
214
00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:06,332
So it's for all these reasons
that I will not be seeking
215
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:07,833
a seat in the U.S. Senate.
216
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,086
I will now take a few questions.
217
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,297
Let me tell you the wonderful
present I just got.
218
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,924
Dad! What a surprise!
219
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:16,425
(under breath):
What's he doing here?
220
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,094
Didn't we just
see him yesterday?
221
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,221
GRAMPA: That's what they're
saying under their breath?
222
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,765
How awful!
I want to hear all of it.
223
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,434
Maybe if we pretend we're tired,
he'll go home.
224
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,520
(all yawning)
225
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,565
Thank God he can't hear us.
226
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,567
And I'm glad these fake yawns
227
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,695
are something we can do
as a family.
228
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,322
What?! You, too?!
229
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,824
Good-bye!
230
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:40,950
Dad, wait!
231
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,326
What's wrong with the old coot?
232
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:45,496
I mean, what's wrong with you,
you sweet old coot?
233
00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:49,458
I got a hearing aid,
and I heard everything you said.
234
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,420
We didn't mean
the mean things we meant.
235
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,089
We just said them
because we meant them.
236
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,132
(stammers angrily)
237
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,467
I am gone forever!
238
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:03,514
A little mall walk
will cheer me up.
239
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,979
Uh-oh, old guy.
Don't make eye contact.
240
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,481
Rubbing them is like
working dry lasagna.
241
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,359
Old guy! Here he comes!
242
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,153
He'll want to try
all my lotion samples.
243
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:20,030
I'll have to explain
what "send" is on a cell phone.
244
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,372
Come in! Come in!
245
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,374
Well, that's more like it.
246
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,542
(screams)
247
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,506
(Lisa gasping, groaning)
248
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,341
I had to cheat.
249
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,886
I was doing it
for the bell curve.
250
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:45,014
And with 99% of the vote in,
251
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,683
the next president
is Lisa Simps...
252
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,143
Wait a minute.
253
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:52,563
I'm being told she cheated
on a paper in second grade.
254
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,356
She is disqualified,
255
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,193
making our next president
Kenny Hitler.
256
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,862
No!
257
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,074
Hey, welcome to
Bob Hope's USO Show,
258
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:07,328
or as I like to call it,
Christmas away from Dolores.
259
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:08,662
(rim shot, cymbal crash)
260
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,915
Oh, that could've been me
on those drums.
261
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:14,043
I would've gotten to rehearse
at his house in Toluca Lake.
262
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,878
Toluca Lake!
263
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,049
What'll it be?
264
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:23,260
Can an old vet have a beer
and tell you his troubles?
265
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:25,763
Sure.
266
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,848
(no audio)
267
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,608
And that's how
I opened the orange.
268
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:47,326
So, uh, (chuckles) my mother
didn't tell me I got in.
269
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:49,537
That's all right.
You can enroll now.
270
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:50,788
-Can I?
-No!
271
00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:53,290
This is a school,
not an '80s comedy.
272
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,209
That, uh, letter you sent me--
273
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,044
is that something
you send every student?
274
00:13:57,127 --> 00:14:00,047
No, I only sent that once,
to you.
275
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,382
When you didn't show up,
276
00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:03,884
that was the second worst day
of my career.
277
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,052
What was the worst?
278
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:07,763
The day the Big Ten expanded
to 14 schools.
279
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,390
What are we, morons?
280
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:12,935
We didn't even notice till
Northwestern pointed it out.
281
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:17,565
Oh, I'm sorry, should I not have
told you about the letter?
282
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:18,983
Uh, no.
283
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:22,319
It's actually good,
because I'm no longer sad.
284
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:23,946
I'm angry!
285
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:27,408
It's time for a furious
self-guided tour of this campus.
286
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:28,951
♪ ♪
287
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,671
I've never seen someone
walk the oval so many times.
288
00:14:40,754 --> 00:14:42,089
He's got to be dizzy.
289
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:44,633
I switch directions
every other lap.
290
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:49,430
-Oh, uh, Michigan sucks.
-What?
291
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,599
That's how we say "excuse me"
around here.
292
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,767
(bells chiming melody)
293
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,937
CHOIR (to melody):
♪ Loser, loser ♪
294
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,982
♪ Loser, loser ♪
295
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,775
♪ Missed opportunity ♪
296
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,611
♪ All over now ♪
297
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,738
♪ You poor bastard. ♪
298
00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:07,698
Et tu, Brutus?
299
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,325
Hey! (grunts)
300
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:13,579
Okay, Mother, it's time for
an unpleasant confrontation.
301
00:15:15,497 --> 00:15:16,790
(school bell ringing)
302
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:19,460
Class, I'm going to hand back
your astronomy papers.
303
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:21,128
LISA:
Keep calm. Keep calm.
304
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,339
No one knows
you did anything wrong.
305
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,799
Lisa Simpson, come to my desk.
306
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,635
(gasps)
307
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,512
Miss Hoover, I have to confess.
I changed my paper.
308
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,682
It said million,
but I knew it was billion.
309
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,142
(sobs):
Oh, please.
310
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:38,812
Maybe I can start a new life
in the other second grade class.
311
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:39,980
(sobbing)
312
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,482
I know you changed your paper.
313
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:42,983
I don't care about your grade.
314
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:44,735
Where the hell
is my nicotine gum?
315
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,195
(sniffles)
316
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:50,824
My brother had it, and he was
hanging around the class pet.
317
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,244
I'll get you some more gum.
318
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,454
You do that.
319
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:57,206
♪ ♪
320
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,718
Can I help you?
321
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,053
What are you doing here?
322
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,013
Your mother rented me your room.
323
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,391
You rented my room
to the town drunk?
324
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,060
I am also the state drunk.
325
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:19,520
(burps)
326
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:20,938
What do you want?
327
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,149
(gasps) You know?
328
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,651
Yes. Yes, I do.
329
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,695
Oh, son, forgive me.
330
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,321
I'm so sorry.
331
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:33,033
I just couldn't bear to lose you
like I'd lost everything else.
332
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,578
Oh, I would've arranged for you
to live near me in the dorm.
333
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,998
Oh, I can't live
in a college town.
334
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,500
Can't control myself sexually.
335
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:45,129
What you did to me was the worst
thing anyone could do to anyone,
336
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,839
much less a mother to her son.
337
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,716
I really don't know
what you could say.
338
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,677
Son, I guess when
you get right down to it,
339
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,597
I've always felt marching bands
are a colossal waste of time.
340
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,225
The music and the walking
both suffer.
341
00:16:58,308 --> 00:16:59,393
You may have a point.
342
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:02,813
And you'll always be
my little tittle.
343
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,775
-Is that a tear?
-Maybe.
344
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,529
(both sigh)
345
00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:13,449
Please, I beg you.
346
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:15,159
Will you move back in?
347
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,036
There are gonna have to be
some changes.
348
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,829
What kind of changes?
349
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,540
Well, I want the parental
controls taken off the TV.
350
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:24,084
You'll just watch
booby programs.
351
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:26,378
If I'm in the booby mood,
yes, I will.
352
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,422
Welcome back, son.
353
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,924
Looks like I got
a little brother!
354
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,426
He's not staying, is he?
355
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,802
You boys work it out.
356
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,180
We sure will, Ma.
357
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,102
You still haven't found Grampa?
358
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:46,273
No. But I found this guy
who's willing to take his place.
359
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,691
(Spanish accent):
I am Grandpapa.
360
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,526
Gather the grandchildren
361
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:53,155
that we might play
the Hungry Hungry Hippos.
362
00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:56,158
I don't think anyone can
replace our Grampa.
363
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:57,826
Are you sure?
Your husband--
364
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,287
she looked through
hundreds of grandpapas.
365
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,581
This was my third callback!
366
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,083
Make a choice.
367
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,502
-(phone rings)
-Yello.
368
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:09,963
Is this the no-good ungrateful
son of Abraham Simpson?
369
00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,965
-Speaking.
-I'm gonna send him back to you,
370
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,967
and I don't want
to see him here again.
371
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,844
This place is really depressing.
372
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,679
And he does not help.
373
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:20,808
There's a pathetic old drunk
peeing himself in the bathroom.
374
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,059
That's a mirror.
375
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,561
And it's not the bathroom.
376
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,443
BART: (sighs)
When is Grampa gonna get here?
377
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,611
GRAMPA:
I knew it.
378
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,155
Still bad-mouthing me
behind my back.
379
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,659
LISA: I can't believe it,
but I miss him so much.
380
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:39,660
(confused grunt)
381
00:18:39,743 --> 00:18:41,120
BART:
I love him, too.
382
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:43,747
I just can't say it to his
beautiful shriveled turnip head.
383
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,040
Aw.
384
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,502
I love how he knows
what every building used to be.
385
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,254
And Maggie says...
386
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:55,884
(mechanical voice):
U. R. A. D. Light.
387
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,637
(sobbing)
388
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:04,226
Come get your Grampa,
you sweet slices of melon.
389
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,354
-Aw.
-(all sigh)
390
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:09,940
Aw, we love you.
391
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,152
Woo-hoo!
392
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,862
D'oh!
393
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,949
(dramatic orchestral music
playing over TV)
394
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:20,200
What are you watching?
395
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:21,743
It's a booby movie, isn't it?
396
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,704
It's Emmy-winning premium cable.
397
00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:24,997
Do they show boobs?
398
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,790
Not since they started
winning Emmys.
399
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,000
Very disappointing.
400
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:30,085
Well, I guess
I'll watch with you.
401
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,378
What's that thing?
402
00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:33,505
It's a raven from
the Lannister's Maester.
403
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:36,008
What's a Lannister?
What's a Maester?
404
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,676
House Lannister
is the wealthiest fa...
405
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,178
-Is that a dragon?
-Yes.
406
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,929
This is stupid.
407
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:51,148
♪ He walks down the street ♪
408
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:54,276
♪ He falls in the hole, man ♪
409
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,612
♪ Everyone knows Hans Moleman! ♪
410
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:57,613
Who?
411
00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,657
Nobody knows Hans Moleman.
412
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,658
Next.
413
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,952
I was here first.
414
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:04,953
(scanner beeps)
415
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:05,996
♪ In the checkout line ♪
416
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,290
♪ He doesn't even scan ♪
417
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,417
♪ Nobody knows Hans Moleman. ♪
418
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,629
I just need my heart pills.
419
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,839
♪ Nobody knows Hans Moleman. ♪
420
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,923
Shh!
421
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,970
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH