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CHOIR:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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NELSON:
Haw-haw!
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D'oh!
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(tires screeching)
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(grunts)
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(gentle lullaby version of
"The Simpsons Theme" playing)
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(sucking)
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(humming)
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(humming)
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(humming)
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(humming)
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(screaming)
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♪ ♪
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NARRATOR:
It was the biggest scandal
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in the history
of Springfield sports.
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Never has someone fallen from
such heights to such lows,
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except maybe for that
tightrope walker who sneezed.
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That was terrible.
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{\an8}This situation
is a disgusting mockery
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{\an8}of a repulsive joke that would
make me sick to my stomach
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{\an8}if there was there was one good restaurant
in this town,
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{\an8}which there is not!
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{\an8}(stammers)
There is nothing to vomit.
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{\an8}NARRATOR: And all because
of one young man.
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{\an8}Okay, so I shaved points
in basketball.
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{\an8}Just don't make
a big production of it.
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{\an8}NARRATOR:
This is 22 for 30.
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(dramatic orchestral music)
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{\an8}My son is a handful.
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{\an8}Can you say that on TV?
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{\an8}No one ever thought he'd work
for gamblers with the mob.
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{\an8}I always thought he'd work
for gamblers with the mob.
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{\an8}In the morning,
we saw the horrors
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{\an8}of the beaches at Iwo Jima.
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DIRECTOR:
This is a sports documentary.
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I'm getting there!
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In my unit, they called me
"Quarterback."
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Because when I borrowed a quarter,
I never gave it back.
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At the end of the war,
I had a buck 75, and no friends.
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{\an8}(distorted) I remember it
like it was yesterday.
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{\an8}Or maybe the day before that.
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It all started with a prank.
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Bart had no idea
where it would lead.
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This voice is scaring me.
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I need Puppy Goo-Goo!
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(normal voice)
Safety kiss!
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I think I'll be okay.
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(distorted)
I love you.
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(distorted scream)
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{\an8}Yeah, so here was the quote,
unquote "prank."
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{\an8}Bart sent out a memo telling
everyone to wear white
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{\an8}for some nonsense called
Polar Bear Remembrance Day.
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{\an8}(chuckles) Yes.
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Then the little dickens
sent Skinner
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a different memo
telling him to wear
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a floral shirt in honor
of King Kamehameha's birthday.
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(stammers)
Had it ended there, fine.
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{\an8}Pleasant conclusion
to a busy week.
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{\an8}But it didn't end there.
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{\an8}Now, don't worry,
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{\an8}all the bees want are flowers.
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{\an8}(bees buzzing)
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{\an8}Willie, kill the bees!
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{\an8}Not till I hear their side of it.
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{\an8}NARRATOR: Bart received
the longest detention in history.
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{\an8}Bored, he began to shoot baskets,
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{\an8}a talent that would irrevocably
make his life better.
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{\an8}Then worse, then better,
then the same.
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♪ Wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat ♪
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♪ And a '64 Impala ♪
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{\an8}♪ I wish I was, like,
six-foot-nine ♪
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{\an8}♪ So I can get with Leoshi,
'cause she don't know me ♪
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{\an8}♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪
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{\an8}♪ You know I see her
all the time ♪
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{\an8}♪ Everywhere I go,
and even in my dreams ♪
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{\an8}♪ I can scheme up ways
to make her mine ♪
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{\an8}♪ 'Cause I know
she's livin' phat ♪
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{\an8}♪ Her boyfriend's tall
and he plays ball ♪
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{\an8}♪ So how am I gonna
compete with that? ♪
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{\an8}A troubled young man
who was good at basketball.
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{\an8}I'd never heard of such a thing.
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{\an8}Of course, his detention
was commuted,
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{\an8}and he was made
a starter on the team.
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{\an8}That's my son! My son!
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{\an8}Which is, of course,
another version of me!
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{\an8}(crowd cheering)
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{\an8}Him! Me! Us! Me!
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{\an8}NARRATOR: Everywhere Bart went,
he was given star treatment.
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{\an8}At school...
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{\an8}(grunts)
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{\an8}(grunts)
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{\an8}...at the public pool...
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{\an8}(Bart laughing)
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{\an8}(Bart grunts)
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{\an8}It's really not
that dangerous.
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{\an8}(laughing)
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NARRATOR:
...with local merchants.
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Oh, young basketball star,
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I have something
special for you.
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The new 7,200-ounce Squishy.
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NARRATOR: But not everyone was
celebrating the Bart-mitzvah.
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{\an8}I got an assignment:
write an article
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{\an8}on the school's new hero,
Bart Simpson.
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(sighs) This is worse than
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when we were square-dance
partners in gym.
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♪ Grab your partner
nice and slow ♪
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♪ Allemande left and ♪
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(slows, distorts)
♪ Do-si-doh ♪
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{\an8}♪ That's the last time
I had work ♪
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{\an8}♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪
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♪ Allemande left and prance to the right ♪
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(cat yowls)
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♪ I need a place
to spend the night ♪
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NARRATOR:
Springfield had never won
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a championship in any sport.
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The only banner on the gym wall
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was one that came
with the building.
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But now, there was a shot.
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I was so proud of Bart,
I did anything I could
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to help him practice.
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Mm!
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But then it happened.
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Fame went to Bart's head.
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Just once, I'd like to see
science go to his head.
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He's got more D's
than Dolly Parton!
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I'm not sure what that means,
but please use the joke.
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I paid someone 25 bucks for it.
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(music playing over earbuds)
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Bart Simpson,
can ya please join the team?
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Man, I am the team.
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Aw, that tears it!
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I'm not coaching anymore!
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I'm going back
to what I love doing:
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drowning gophers.
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(whistling)
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Aah! What was that for?!
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Our new coach will be
parent-volunteer
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and Bart owner, Homer Simpson.
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(reporters gasp)
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Do you know anything
about basketball?
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Why the change?
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What is your basketball
philosophy?
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Shower at home so no one
makes fun of your weenie.
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I learned that from
the late great Red Auerbach.
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No more questions!
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D'oh!
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What the hell is that thing
doing in a gym?!
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Your new coach, everybody!
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Bart got a coach
who would kiss his butt
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like one cheek was Kobe
and the other Kareem.
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Well, there is no "I" in "team."
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There's no "U" in "effort."
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There's no "X" in "dog"!
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What do Oscar the Grouch's
feet look like?
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Nobody knows!
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I have a TV for Bart Simpson.
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(sighs)
Just put it with the others.
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I'm worried he's getting
a little spoiled.
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HOMER:
Oh, that's ridiculous.
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Excuse me, sir.
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Bart says no unauthorized
photography.
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Don't look directly at him!
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(Taser zapping)
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♪ ♪
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NARRATOR:
As Bart's showboating veered
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ever closer to globetrotting,
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the disrespect grew.
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Can you clean that for me, Coach?
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And that, and that, and those,
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and that, and that.
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What are you looking at?
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HOMER:
What the...?!
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NARRATOR: But after one
showboat shot too many,
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Homer Simpson had something
he'd never had before: enough.
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Uh, son, some of the other
parents are complaining.
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Apparently, they're attached
to their children,
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and they want to see
them touch the ball.
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They can touch it
in the team photo.
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I'm going to draw up a play.
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One where you pass.
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Why don't you pass a physical,
you boozy bag of goo?
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Marge is right.
You're getting spoiled!
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Before you strangle me, maybe
you should check the scoreboard.
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I'm your dad
and your coach.
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And because no one else
would, your godfather.
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So hit the bench!
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NARRATOR:
When we return, the interesting part.
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From now on, you're going
to be a team player,
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no more important
than anyone.
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Except Milhouse.
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I'm on the team
'cause it's my ball.
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NARRATOR: Certain people
had begun to notice
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Bart's unhappiness.
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00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:05,776
People with criminal backgrounds.
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00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,738
They had more records
than Dolly Parton.
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00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:12,325
Man, that is a joke
that keeps on giving.
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This is gonna
break my heart, but...
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00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,120
(groans)
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00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,623
Yeah, the kid was ripe
for criminal exploitation.
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00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:21,209
And in this town,
the other cops are pathetic.
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00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,711
Fat, lazy.
You want to find one?
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00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:26,964
Just follow the sound
of a milkshake being sucked.
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(slurping)
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00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,764
{\an8}There's no belt that fits me.
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{\an8}I'm wearing police tape
around my waist.
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00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,811
{\an8}I saw the kid was upset,
so I took him for cannoli.
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00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,480
{\an8}That's not a crime.
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00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:43,981
{\an8}(whispers)
You don't know what a crime is.
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00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:46,442
{\an8}Not that I'd know
what a crime is.
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00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,693
(whispers indistinctly)
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00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,737
What's with all
the psst-psst-psst?
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00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,907
Have you sprung a leak,
or do you want to?
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00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,951
(whispers) I don't think
that's advisable to say that.
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00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,995
I've been told
I was just kidding.
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00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,123
Fat Tony, enjoy this-a
cannoli on-a the house.
216
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,627
It's like eating the
bone-a marrow of an angel.
217
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,671
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
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00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,632
NARRATOR: They talked about
life and basketball,
219
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,593
a game Fat Tony
had always loved.
220
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,845
Basketball is just like life.
221
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:18,474
It's filled with a court, shooting,
and guards.
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00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,850
(whispers indistinctly)
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00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,812
Basketball is nothing like life.
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00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,190
NARRATOR: Fat Tony saw
an opening, and he took it.
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00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,234
{\an8}FAT TONY:
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00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,822
{\an8}BART:
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00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,284
{\an8}FAT TONY:
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00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,035
{\an8}BOTH:
229
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,745
NARRATOR:
And at his next game,
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00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,123
Bart did a very odd thing.
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00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,667
DREDERICK TATUM: And with Springfield
up by a meager one point,
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00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:45,918
star guard Bart Simpson
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00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,545
is just dribbling,
he's not shooting,
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00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:48,754
with two minutes to go.
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00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,965
♪ ♪
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00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,723
{\an8}I don't know how,
but Homer gained 12 pounds
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00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,266
{\an8}chewing towels.
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00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:02,518
I put jelly on 'em.
239
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,811
(whistle blows)
240
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,188
Time expired!
241
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,941
Bart didn't know it,
but he was point shaving.
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00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,735
That's when a player
wins the game,
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00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,362
{\an8}but makes sure his team
doesn't cover the spread.
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00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,741
The team's happy, the gamblers
are happy, everybody wins.
245
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,784
The only unhappy person
is someone like me,
246
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,620
who has to explain the thing.
247
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,456
Well, at least you'll let me
play my saxophone.
248
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,707
(inhales deeply)
249
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,250
Good thing you cut that song.
250
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:30,087
Did you know I once took a train
halfway across Cleveland?
251
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,089
NARRATOR:
This is not a video trick.
252
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,799
He really just stopped moving,
253
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,427
but Bart had just gotten started.
254
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,845
♪ ♪
255
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,738
You could be an accessory
to a crime, you know.
256
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,573
Are you letting
your anger at Dad
257
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,159
make you into
a patsy for the mob?
258
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,078
Hey, Bart Simpson
is nobody's patsy.
259
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:06,040
Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to win
by less than six points.
260
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,793
Here's a list of acceptable
point differentials.
261
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,836
It could be five, four, three...
262
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,047
You realize you're
having this conversation
263
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:14,298
in front of a reporter.
264
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,883
Hey, I don't see no reporter.
265
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,719
I see a little girl with
futile dreams of fitting in.
266
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,806
Gee whiz, you don't
have to be so mean.
267
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:24,558
That's the business I'm in!
Whoa! Hey!
268
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,188
(calliope music playing)
269
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:39,407
Shoot! Shoot!
Just like I drew it up!
270
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:40,991
Okay, here's a shot:
271
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:44,078
you're not bald, your hair left
out of embarrassment.
272
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,080
-Why, you little...!
-(choking)
273
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,498
(crowd gasps)
274
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:48,416
(crowd cheers)
275
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,334
(buzzer blares)
276
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,254
I'll teach you
to win the game!
277
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:55,256
You stupid buzzer-beating,
clutch-shooting...
278
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:56,507
Oh, come on, man.
279
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:58,509
-...ice water in your veins...
-I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville.
280
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,511
...here comes
the post-game interview!
281
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,638
This is the first thing you've done
as a coach.
282
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,765
You have to give them credit!
They played hard!
283
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,809
-People are gonna hear about this, Dad.
-I'm so proud of these boys,
284
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:09,603
-and especially our sixth man...
-You're still nicer than Bobby Knight.
285
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,813
...the fans!
286
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,857
All right, let me hear your side.
287
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,359
Sorry, my side
is exclusive to my charity,
288
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,069
The American Fart Association.
289
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:17,987
Why, you little...!
290
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,655
(grunting)
291
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:24,243
(laughing)
292
00:12:24,326 --> 00:12:25,786
Checkmate.
293
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,329
(laughs)
294
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,914
D'oh!
295
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,792
NARRATOR: But the boy who could
spin a ball with his doodle
296
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,003
was about to learn
a very tough lesson.
297
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,341
{\an8}BART:
298
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,427
{\an8}FAT TONY:
299
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,139
{\an8}BART:
300
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:48,225
NARRATOR: Fat Tony denied
he'd made any money,
301
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:52,062
but this FBI footage
suggests otherwise.
302
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,064
I thought I was just
keeping the score down
303
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,232
to get back at my Dad,
304
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,985
but Fat Tony was betting
against us, every game.
305
00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,695
I was a patsy.
306
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,238
Ow! She didn't mean that.
307
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,824
D'oh! Ow! Ow!
308
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:14,335
I was scared. Milhouse scared.
309
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:17,171
Why do you keep cutting to me?
310
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,006
And then it got worse.
311
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:20,883
Fat Tony told me to lose the finals.
312
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:24,011
Not win by a little, but lose... or else.
313
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,262
"Or else"?
314
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,556
My client does not
speak like that.
315
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,684
Yeah, now drop the subject,
or else.
316
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,145
Edit that out, or else.
317
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:36,148
I-I'm gonna stop talking...
or else.
318
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,191
Damn it.
319
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,985
NARRATOR:
What did Fat Tony say to Bart?
320
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:43,364
His capo, Johnny Tightlips,
refused to talk.
321
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,829
Anyone here own a black
Lincoln Continental,
322
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,122
license plate,
"Zero to Say"?
323
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,332
It's being towed.
324
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,625
Sir, you're the only one here.
325
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,001
I saw you get out of it.
326
00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:57,545
Yeah, maybe it is.
Maybe I am.
327
00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,046
Maybe you did.
Or maybe it's not.
328
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,422
And I'm not, and you didn't.
329
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,882
But you didn't hear this, that,
or the other thing.
330
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,092
Or maybe you did.
331
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,845
Hey! My granny's in there!
332
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,597
Shaving points was one thing,
but he wanted me to lose.
333
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,559
I let down my team.
I let down my town.
334
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:24,363
So, I guess this is where
I break down and cry.
335
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:27,908
(crying)
336
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,077
Hey, I'm the one
who's supposed to cry.
337
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,663
No. This is my story.
338
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,415
-Tighten on me.
-Tighten on me.
339
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:37,209
Fine. Tighten on him
then rack focus to me.
340
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:40,212
Dad, this is supposed to be
about us getting together.
341
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,381
Fine. Tighten on him.
Rack focus to me.
342
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,549
Cut to a wide shot.
343
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:44,884
Split screen with Marge.
344
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,385
Truck in, nice and slow.
345
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:49,221
Then cut to a "B" roll of me
eating a tuna fish sandwich.
346
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,557
Dad, how did you
learn these things?
347
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,143
Son, show business
is everybody's business.
348
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,979
Dutch angle, photo negative
and freeze!
349
00:14:57,062 --> 00:15:00,149
I'm a excommation point!
350
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,818
In the gym that night, you could
cut the tension with a knife,
351
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,404
but, uh, we don't allow
knives in school,
352
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:06,739
not even in metaphors.
353
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,408
♪ We got to fight
the powers that be ♪
354
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,951
♪ Fight the power ♪
355
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,913
♪ Fight the power ♪
356
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,165
(crowd cheering)
357
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,753
ANGER WATKINS:
Another bucket by Bart Simpson!
358
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,671
His sloppy play
is a distant memory,
359
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,340
like Nelson's father.
360
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,799
Yeah, interesting
side note:
361
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,719
Nelson left a ticket for his
father in case he showed up.
362
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,305
And he did show up,
but then he sold the ticket
363
00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,807
without seeing Nelson,
and he skipped town again.
364
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,017
You believe that?
365
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,061
Rejected!
366
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:38,270
Like I've been rejected.
367
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,272
Nothing but net!
368
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,024
Which is what my mom
wears in the strip club.
369
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,194
{\an8}It was in the third quarter
when the game really got weird,
370
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,488
{\an8}and I got a low bar for weird.
371
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,281
(grunts)
372
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,659
Bart went to shoot,
and took a hard foul
373
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,202
from his own best friend.
374
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,162
♪ ♪
375
00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:10,135
Let's just say Bart wasn't the only one
Fat Tony had gotten to.
376
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,554
This was my bobblehead.
377
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,809
They got to him, in my bedroom,
where he bobbled.
378
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,811
Hey, let's just say
that bobblehead
379
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,480
won't be attending
no more giveaway days.
380
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,399
{\an8}You keep shooting your mouth,
381
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,610
{\an8}you'll wind up in that building
going up on Third Street.
382
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,738
{\an8}It's a Third Street address,
but actually you enter on Lincoln.
383
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,991
{\an8}Yet another secret revealed!
384
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,535
I'm sorry, Dad.
I was a jerk.
385
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,578
The good thing
about being a kid
386
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,832
is you get to make mistakes so
you don't make them as an adult.
387
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,000
Thanks, Dad.
388
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,710
But don't you still
make mistakes?
389
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:46,171
The best one was you, son. Aw.
390
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,506
Now go win that game!
391
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:49,967
NARRATOR:
And win he did.
392
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,179
He blew our net budget
for the next ten years.
393
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,640
(buzzer blares)
394
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,059
NARRATOR:
But not everyone was cheering.
395
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,436
Is he going for a gun?
396
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,562
(sighs)
Oh.
397
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,188
-Get me a gun.
-(screams)
398
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,857
We thought we
were goners.
399
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,526
Our lives flashed
before our eyes.
400
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,611
I had a lot of crazy jobs.
401
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,281
And then the cavalry came
on her stupid high horse.
402
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,699
LISA:
Let them go.
403
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,910
Really? And what
do you have on me?
404
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:17,953
The goods.
405
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,913
The goods?
Oh, that sounds bad.
406
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,624
Fat Tony, may I speak
to you in Italian?
407
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,418
I don't know Italian.
408
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:25,753
How about Sicilian?
409
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:26,879
That's a language?
410
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:28,714
How about I say it
like Porky Pig?
411
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,007
E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee,
e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee...
412
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,550
Say what you got to say.
413
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:34,428
Turns out I'm the hero
of this documentary.
414
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,055
I think that deserves a chyron.
415
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,517
It happens that
Fat Tony had a secret,
416
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:43,687
a secret I had uncovered
with a little bit of research.
417
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,690
I wondered,
if Fat Tony liked basketball so much,
418
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:47,941
why didn't he play?
419
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:49,860
Turns out he had.
420
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:52,154
For a girls' team.
421
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:55,240
And if there's one thing
a Mafia boss doesn't want known,
422
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,659
it's that he was
the third-string shooting guard
423
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,120
on the Springfield Little Debbies.
424
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,208
You keep quiet
about what you know.
425
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,001
All of you keep quiet!
426
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,419
Keep quiet about what, boss?
427
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:08,879
The man-Spanx you wear?
428
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,131
Your high school nickname,
Robert DeZero?
429
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,383
The way you cried
at Toy Story 2?
430
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,927
That's not even the sad one.
431
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,011
What? What?
432
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,222
Why do you keep talking?
433
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,057
I'm sorry.
It's a nervous condition.
434
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:23,560
Can you give me the name
of that secret shrink you see?
435
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:24,853
So, we made a deal.
436
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,397
I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave.
437
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,274
But now the secret's out.
438
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,859
It's in a documentary.
439
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,487
No one watches those,
unless it's a documentary
440
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,240
where a rich guy kills people
and no one knows about it.
441
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,242
As far as you know.
(chuckles)
442
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,497
BURNS:
I'm guilty, guilty, guilty.
443
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,082
SMITHERS:
Sir, you know you're on mic.
444
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,875
BURNS: Who is this Mike
you're speaking of?
445
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,168
We'll kill him, too!
446
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,380
NARRATOR: But all sports stories
have an upside,
447
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,799
unless you're
a Detroit Lions fan.
448
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:57,594
So this young man,
showboat and friend of the mob,
449
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,222
gets off with not even
a slap on the wrist.
450
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,350
It's a travesty
wrapped in outrage,
451
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:07,187
marinated in a sauce
of everything's gone to hell!
452
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,023
I admit, it was fun.
453
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:13,277
For a short time,
we had our own little superstar.
454
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,903
And he kept playing.
455
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,322
Then he ran up
against one tall kid,
456
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,575
and found out
he really wasn't that good.
457
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:23,579
But Lisa, Lisa had a real
talent for journalism.
458
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,122
Whatever that gets us.
459
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,791
Homer, we have to end
on something sweet.
460
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,502
(lovingly)
Whatever that gets us.
461
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:36,466
{\an8}-♪ Now basketball is my favorite sport ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪
462
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:37,926
{\an8}♪ I like the way they dribble
up and down the court ♪
463
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:38,927
{\an8}-♪ Come On ♪
-(whistle blows)
464
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,846
{\an8}♪ I keep it so fresh
on the microphone ♪
465
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,181
{\an8}♪ I like no interruption
when the game is on ♪
466
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,348
{\an8}♪ Game's on ♪
467
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,851
{\an8}♪ I like slam dunks
that take me to the hoop ♪
468
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,519
Sorry, y'all.
469
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,563
♪ I like the pick-and-roll,
I like the give-and-go ♪
470
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:52,316
♪ And it's basketball,
Bow Wow, let's go... ♪
471
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,735
Yeah. Nothing but nerd.
472
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,278
{\an8}♪ All around the world ♪
473
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,573
{\an8}-♪ We love that basketball ♪
-♪ Yeah... ♪
474
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:01,617
{\an8}No, I didn't!
475
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,827
{\an8}♪ Basketball... ♪
476
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,955
{\an8}I admit it, I was a total boob.
477
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,374
{\an8}Oh! Why do I keep going there?
478
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,502
{\an8}-♪ Let's go ♪
-♪ They're playing basketball ♪
479
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:13,921
{\an8}♪ All around the world ♪
480
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,881
{\an8}♪ We love that basketball... ♪
481
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:18,508
NARRATOR:
And Nelson's dad came back.
482
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,968
And I should know.
483
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,094
He's me.
484
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,096
Haw-haw!
485
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,973
(gasps) Papa!
486
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,976
(crying)
487
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,687
So, you're making narrator money.
488
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,191
That's right,
and I brought Nelson a gift.
489
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:36,568
Sleeves for my vest!
490
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,988
Son, you look just like
a parole officer.
491
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,950
NARRATOR:
And so we were a family again,
492
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,619
just long enough
to take this picture.
493
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,959
Shh!
494
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,007
Subtitled by Jimmy Boots