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CHOIR:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well,
it's the first Saturday in September,
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and that means one thing in Springfield.
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It's that time again.
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Opening day of peewee football.
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ANNOUNCER (over P.A.):
And everybody's headed down
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to Child Soldier Field
to catch all the action.
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It all comes down to this,
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the first game of the year,
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perfect season on the line.
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And drunks
are being rolled off the field.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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your Springfield Neutrinos!
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(crowd cheering)
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{\an8}BART:
Huh?
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{\an8}NELSON:
Where'd everybody go?
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{\an8}BART:
I can't see.
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{\an8}(gasps)
They over-fogged the run-in!
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{\an8}They put those kids in danger
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{\an8}just to psych up the crowd.
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{\an8}Yeah, are you psyched up now?
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{\an8}Huh? Are you?!
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{\an8}-(players panicking)
-(helmets clonking)
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{\an8}Concussions!
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{\an8}Concessions!
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{\an8}-(door dings)
-Aah!
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{\an8}(anxious chatter)
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{\an8}My boy hit his head doing football!
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{\an8}I'm a doctor's wife.
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{\an8}Save my boy first!
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{\an8}My boy needs an MRI!
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{\an8}-(clamoring)
-Ow!
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{\an8}Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
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{\an8}With head injury concerns on the mind,
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{\an8}the town has shut down
its peewee football program.
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{\an8}Professor, what danger does this
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{\an8}concussion threat truly pose?
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{\an8}Uh, well, Kent,
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{\an8}these children will need their brains
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{\an8}unbruised for the demanding,
high-tech jobs
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{\an8}of the future:
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{\an8}polishing and buffing
our robot masters.
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{\an8}Indeed.
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{\an8}And here to defend youth football,
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{\an8}we have... Nelson's dad.
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{\an8}Are you wearing makeup?
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{\an8}Is it worth the risk
to your son's health
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{\an8}when only .1 percent
of youth football players
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{\an8}make it to the pros?
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{\an8}You saying my boy
doesn't have what it takes
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{\an8}to play pro ball? Huh?
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{\an8}Boy, show him your moves.
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{\an8}Juke it, juke it!
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{\an8}(grunting)
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{\an8}Why are you dekeing it
when I said juke it?
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{\an8}Take a lap!
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{\an8}-Without football, Kent,
-(Nelson groans)
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{\an8}how are kids gonna learn character
like I did,
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{\an8}you stupid fruit-munch?
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{\an8}And what is your problem, smart-nuts?
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{\an8}(grunts)
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{\an8}Which brings us to this question:
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{\an8}if not football,
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{\an8}what sport is safe for our children?
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But there are so many club sports
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that can eat up all our free time.
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What about baseball?
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(scoffs) Baseball--
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rife with steroids!
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Then test for steroids!
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Oh, and then there'll be no home runs!
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-(all arguing)
-Um, I think I-I may have a solution.
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Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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What about biathlon?
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That teaches kids to ski and kill.
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How about Frisbee-golf?
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If I could just have your attention...
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Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting?
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It builds biting,
jaw strength and mouth work.
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The champion for a long time was a dog.
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(groans)
No one is listening to me.
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Well, maybe no one wants to hear
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your ridiculous idea.
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Let's go.
We're late for prenatal yoga.
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Milhouse is ten.
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Why are we still doing that?
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Poor Kirk.
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No one listens to him.
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Even Luann treats him like garbage.
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(sighs)
Love's funny like that.
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Help him out.
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Make people listen to his idea.
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Oh, why me?
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I only came to this concert
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because I was told it was a potluck.
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(grunts)
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(groans)
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(arguing continues)
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Attention, smothering parents
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who only came to hear themselves talk!
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-You're an idiot!
-(arguing quiets)
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This guy has as much right to bore us
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as any of you!
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Take it away, buddy.
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(echoing)
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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"Buddy." Huh.
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Um, I've got an exciting sport
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that's great exercise
a-and teaches teamwork.
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Lacrosse.
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-La-what?
-What-cross?
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What-what?
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Lacrosse.
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It's the perfect combination
of America's two least-watched sports:
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soccer and hockey.
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(murmuring excitedly)
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Any kid can learn to play lacrosse.
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Even this.
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(parents gasping)
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This isn't a drive-in movie.
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(parents gasping)
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Everybody,
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feel free to whip stuff at my son's face.
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(laughter and indistinct chatter)
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Yarr.
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Now, hold on there.
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Lacrosse has the second-highest
concussion rate,
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right after football.
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(chanting)
Safer than football!
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Safer than football!
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Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch
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teach our kids this crazy sport?
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Me, coach your kids?
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Most of you won't even make eye contact
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when I'm weighing your yogurt.
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I'll do it.
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If Homer will coach with me.
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Huh?
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We've come too far together
on this crazy ride.
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It wouldn't feel right
to do it without you...
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buddy.
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(echoing)
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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Mm?
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Oh, fine,
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I'll coach with this guy.
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But I promise you this:
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I will never stop complaining about it.
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(cheering)
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Stupid sport I never heard of...
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make me wake up early on a Saturday...
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probably have to slice oranges...
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don't even know the rules
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because I refuse to learn 'em...
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my kids will probably suck at it...
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and I'll have to kneel down
on photo day,
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knees get all wet...
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despite my bad attitude,
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I'm thrilled by the nonstop action...
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kids running towards me
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with a look of joy
I've never seen before...
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Dad, we won!
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It's okay, kids.
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What matters is you tried your best.
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Have an orange slice.
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No, we won!
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Yes, we're all winners.
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Because losing teaches valuable lessons.
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Have an orange slice.
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We did it, buddy.
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You and I make a great team.
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We won for real!
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For the first time in our lives,
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we can say "good game"
and actually mean it.
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Good game!
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Uh, good game!
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Ha! That's loser talk!
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(cheering)
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(groaning)
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Wow, pizza really does
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taste sweeter after you win.
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(humming happily)
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Dude.
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My kids have never won at anything.
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All the girl does is read,
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and the boy's got one of those
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paying attention diseases
that isn't really a disease.
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Awesome job, guys!
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How do you know
so much about lacrosse?
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Wait.
You want to know about me?
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(disinterested mumbling)
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Well, it all goes back
to my college days,
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where I was the star attackman
on our lacrosse team.
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(crowd cheering)
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(marching band playing)
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I'd even been drafted to play in the pros
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for the Milwaukee Zoom.
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After scoring
the championship-winning goal,
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I was on top of the world, man.
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I was high-fiving everybody.
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For the first time in my life,
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no one, and I mean no one,
was leaving me hanging.
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I was slap-happy,
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I couldn't stop myself, until...
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I highed one five too far.
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-(metallic clank)
-(wrist shattering)
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Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot.
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(retching)
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My Zoom dream died that day.
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Mm...
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(grunts angrily)
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Uh... Ah...
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(metallic clicking)
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My wrist healed, but my wrist in here...
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00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,729
never did.
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I've never high-fived my own son.
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00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,734
The mascot wore a suit of armor?
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Just like a knight!
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Yeah, but now lacrosse
has brought us together.
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Hey, a toast to new friendship!
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00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,577
Could I get a roll of toilet paper,
please?
220
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,079
I get nosebleeds when I drink.
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To... new...
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friendship.
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Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
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00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,629
(Homer snoring)
225
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,215
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
226
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,550
Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
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00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,343
(moaning groggily)
228
00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:54,974
Oof!
229
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,226
(Maggie coos)
230
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,395
It's 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday.
231
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,772
We have a weekend lacrosse tournament!
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00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,357
-(horn honking outside)
-There's Coach K!
233
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,442
Come on, come on, come on!
234
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,696
(Bart and Lisa grunting)
235
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:09,697
(Lisa chuckles)
236
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,407
(both breathing rapidly)
237
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LISA: Come on, Dad!
238
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,619
(grunts, gasps)
239
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Check out the travel van, brah!
(chuckles)
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Two days, ten games,
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00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,169
700 miles and one sweet mixtape.
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00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,713
I hope you like
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy,
243
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,299
'cause this van's about to swing.
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♪ So I think about my next drink ♪
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♪ And it's you and me ♪
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♪ And the bottle makes three tonight ♪
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Uh...
248
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,642
I'm pretty sure a mixtape
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isn't just the same song
over and over again.
250
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:43,481
No, no, dude,
they're different live versions.
251
00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:46,442
You can tell because some are longer.
252
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,653
{\an8}-(music stops)
-Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen?
253
00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,238
{\an8}It tastes like passionfruit,
254
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,156
{\an8}and people think you're a smoker.
255
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,616
Why would I want that?
256
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,327
(chuckling)
Don't worry. Marge isn't here.
257
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,662
Oh, speaking of which,
258
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,332
where is the craziest place
you two have ever done it?
259
00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,709
-What?
-Let's both say it at the same time.
260
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,877
One... two...
261
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,671
-Don't!
-Chipotle!
262
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,422
There are kids back there!
263
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,007
Oh, they can't hear us.
264
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,969
I got 'em watching
classic lacrosse matches.
265
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,220
(crowd cheering)
266
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,847
Textbook ankle-breaker
by Gary Gait!
267
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,767
And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk!
268
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,396
Everyone be sure to fuel up
with a rice sandwich.
269
00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:29,277
Mmm. Mmm.
270
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,028
HOMER: Rice in a sandwich?
271
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,488
That's mush-on-mush.
272
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,241
Doesn't this dweeb
know kids need bologna to win?
273
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:38,160
Those sandwiches had so many carbs!
274
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,704
I've never played harder!
275
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,330
Rice power!
276
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,873
(grunts)
277
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,042
Uter, watch those alligator arms!
278
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,419
Hug the pipe, Sherri!
279
00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:48,754
Milhouse, gobble and goose!
280
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,050
(cheering)
281
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,470
Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll!
282
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,061
We won every game.
283
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:07,273
Kirk is like a sports genius
who everyone hates.
284
00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,983
Worse than Jim Harbaugh?
285
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,818
Well, not that bad.
286
00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,321
I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck,
287
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,157
but remember,
you're doing this for the kids.
288
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,408
Right, right. The kids.
289
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:18,826
Everything for the kids.
290
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,077
(gasps)
Oh, God, he's coming!
291
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,203
Hide, Marge.
292
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:24,749
Oh, good call, buddy.
293
00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:25,916
Disco nap.
294
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,418
We got to power up for tonight.
295
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:28,753
-(chuckles)
-Tonight?
296
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,047
Which gentlemen's club
should we hit first,
297
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,591
Skin City or the Tassel Castle?
298
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:34,717
Gentlemen's...
299
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,010
you mean a strip club?
300
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,262
Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers,
301
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,889
but they're kind of stuck up,
302
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,642
if you believe Lap-Aficionado.com.
303
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,310
Which, uh-- (chuckles) I do.
304
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,270
Why would I want to go to a strip club?
305
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,105
I'm married to a naked lady.
306
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,609
Drive time to Sapphire Diamond
is only 39 minutes.
307
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,903
That's the fastest it's been all day.
308
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,529
Hey, wa-- 38 minutes!
309
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,907
Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot of kind of guys--
310
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,408
a booze guy,
311
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,410
a don't-know-my-kids'-birthdays guy,
312
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,871
a steal-the-blow-dryer-
from-the-motel guy,
313
00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:06,749
but I am not a strip-club guy.
314
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,627
You do want to hang with me,
don't you, buddy?
315
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:10,628
(groans softly)
316
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,046
I can't do it.
317
00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:15,132
I can't pretend to be this guy's friend
for one more second.
318
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,426
I scored three goals today!
319
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,887
I'm a jock. A jock!
320
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,556
I didn't spit on my hand
for the post-game handshake.
321
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,517
Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk, either,
322
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,145
but look how much fun
the kids' heads are having.
323
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,897
(sighs)
324
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,400
Of course
I want to hang with you, buddy.
325
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,403
But, you know, I'm pretty tired
from all those YouTube videos
326
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,571
you showed me about whiskey making.
327
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,407
It gets its color from the barrel.
328
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,158
I know, the barrel.
329
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,077
Let's just get some sleep.
330
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,162
Well, all right.
331
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,582
Next time we can just rage
twice as hard, I guess.
332
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,877
(click, then loud heartbeat)
333
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,337
What the hell is that?
334
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,340
I can't sleep without
my white noise machine.
335
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,426
Womb setting.
336
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,681
(heartbeat continues)
337
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:07,935
♪ So I think about my next drink ♪
338
00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:11,439
♪ And it's you and me
and the bottle makes three tonight ♪
339
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,858
♪ Yeah! ♪
340
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,067
♪ ♪
341
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,193
-(tires screech)
-(music stops)
342
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,862
Mom, we swept the tourney!
343
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:22,199
We're playing in the championship
against Capital City!
344
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,325
(tires peel out)
345
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,368
Mwah!
346
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:25,995
How does it feel
to be the assistant coach
347
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,705
of a winning team?
348
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:30,291
I'm going for a walk.
349
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,209
(groans)
350
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,713
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you.
351
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,173
Well, you know what they say,
352
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:41,302
behind every successful man
is his assistant coach.
353
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,139
♪ How can a wife understand ♪
354
00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,725
♪ What it feels like
to finally meet a man? ♪
355
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:51,187
♪ The strongest bond
a dude could ever know ♪
356
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,897
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
357
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,441
♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪
358
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:58,235
♪ A pal you don't feel lame with ♪
359
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:02,531
♪ Life began the day I found my bro ♪
360
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,910
♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪
361
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,496
♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪
362
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,957
♪ A dweeb that somehow thinks
that I'm his bro ♪
363
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:13,417
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
364
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,253
♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪
365
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,506
♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪
366
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:24,094
♪ How I despise him
he will never know ♪
367
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,348
♪ So much cool stuff
we can do as a pair ♪
368
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,266
♪ Everything about him is annoying ♪
369
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:32,228
♪ Dress as minstrels
at the Renaissance fair ♪
370
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,271
♪ He smells like fish oil pills ♪
371
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,358
♪ Foosball Fridays in my man cave ♪
372
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,276
♪ That waitress was not into you ♪
373
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,029
♪ Designing the world's best ♪
374
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,114
♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪
375
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,617
♪ He wants us to co-host an Oscar party,
what the hell? ♪
376
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,578
♪ I hate everything about him ♪
377
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,122
♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪
378
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,791
-♪ I'm glad he can't ♪
-♪ Wish he could ♪
379
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:55,417
BOTH:
♪ Hear me sing ♪
380
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,002
♪ About this sweaty ♪
381
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,254
-♪ Awesome ♪
-♪ Fish oil ♪
382
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,630
-♪ Awesome ♪
-♪ I was only pretending ♪
383
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:03,801
♪ To like that stupid dork named... ♪
384
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,303
Oh, hi, Kirk.
385
00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,721
(grunts)
386
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,684
(sad sigh)
387
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,273
{\an8}FOLKSY ANNOUNCER:
Springfield, the city
388
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,733
{\an8}that lives and dies by youth lacrosse,
389
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:22,152
{\an8}a sport we first learned about
five weeks ago.
390
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,072
{\an8}And with just two hours left
until face off against Capital City,
391
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,616
{\an8}the countdown clock is ticking away.
392
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,911
{\an8}As always, laying out all
the information you need to know,
393
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,372
{\an8}this is WXPO "The Pipe."
394
00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:37,334
(cheering)
395
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,254
And now the man responsible
for this miracle on grass,
396
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,756
the "Priest of the Crease,"
"The Riceman Cometh,"
397
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,258
Coach K!
398
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,512
(confused noises)
399
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:52,683
Hmm, it's not like Kirk
to miss such an important pre-game rally.
400
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,519
Yeah, well, better get slicing
on these oranges.
401
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,021
Where is that coach?
402
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,647
If we lose this game,
403
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,524
I have to give the mayor of Capital City
404
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,027
a crate of Springfield apricots.
405
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,195
We grow no apricots!
406
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:06,363
Kirk is missing.
407
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,990
I haven't seen him since he left home
408
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,451
happily singing about
his friendship with you.
409
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,994
(humming nervously)
410
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,996
Dad, what do you know?
411
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,247
What? Nothing!
412
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:18,292
I don't-- oh, oh...
413
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,543
All right.
414
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,047
The truth is your husband
and your father
415
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:25,174
is a soul-sucking loser who found out
416
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,886
I was only pretending to be his friend
for the sake of the team.
417
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,597
But-- But why did he empty out
our bank account,
418
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,515
and all in one-dollar bills?
419
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,767
Oh, no.
420
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,810
There's only one thing
a man like Kirk wants
421
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,395
with that many singles.
422
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,522
To hand out to the poor?
423
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,523
Worse.
424
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,442
To bring to a strip club.
425
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,402
I'll go get him.
426
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,446
-I'll also get him.
-No, me! Me!
427
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,822
I just need to go home and put on
428
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,532
my special sweat pants.
429
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,827
No, it's my husband's fault
that Kirk has run off
430
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,247
to that jiggle joint,
and only he can get him out.
431
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,332
Me?
432
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,751
But those places are filled with creeps.
433
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,920
Plus, all the chairs face the stage.
434
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,421
What if I want to have a conversation
435
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,839
with another patron?
436
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,424
Come on, Dad, you've got to do it!
437
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,927
Without Coach K, we can't
play in the championship!
438
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,887
Look at the countdown clock.
439
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,181
{\an8}ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock
brought to you by Ray's Steaks.
440
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,266
{\an8}When you want to raise some stakes,
441
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,352
{\an8}head over to Ray's... Steaks.
442
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,814
(chanting)
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
443
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,983
Save Coach K!
444
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,111
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
445
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,113
As your wife, I'm begging you,
446
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:33,283
if you ever loved me,
go to that strip club.
447
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,785
♪ ♪
448
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,038
(cheering)
449
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,918
(dog howls)
450
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,920
(groans)
451
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,006
♪ ♪
452
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,389
{\an8}HOMER: Oh, guys.
453
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,143
(tires screech)
454
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,394
(groans)
455
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,396
(rock music playing inside)
456
00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,314
(angry groan) Okay.
457
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:06,859
All I got to do is go in,
get the pervert,
458
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:09,236
and bring him back
to a park full of children.
459
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:10,988
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
460
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,991
Bald middle-aged guy,
sad paunch, given up on life.
461
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,492
It's 10:00 in the morning.
462
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:16,702
Take your pick.
463
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:17,911
(depressed groaning)
464
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,997
-Oh, boy.
-Oh, man.
465
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:23,000
-(worried moan)
-WOMAN: Hello.
466
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,419
-Uh, no, thank you.
-Hey there, big guy.
467
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,670
No, thank you.
468
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,423
Happily married man
with no cash coming through.
469
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:30,966
(panting)
470
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,009
Made it.
471
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:33,927
Nothing in this place can tempt me.
472
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,804
(moans)
473
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,222
Oh, baby, yes.
474
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,516
Those legs go on forever.
475
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,185
(moans)
476
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:42,853
Where are they?
477
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,189
Maybe we shouldn't have sent
Homer Simpson
478
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,107
into that den of sin.
479
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,234
My husband's a good man.
480
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,611
He can do this.
481
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,820
(chewing sounds)
482
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,490
Oh, worst food I've ever had.
483
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:55,866
So much...
484
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,868
Is that guy still in the champagne room?
485
00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,703
He hasn't slept in days.
486
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,498
He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches.
487
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,374
He says they give him energy.
488
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:08,045
Wait, who do I know
that likes rice sandwiches?
489
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:12,341
(gasps)
Bart's friend's dad!
490
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,218
So anyway, they can't call it bourbon
491
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:16,053
unless it's from Kentucky.
492
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:19,556
-See, American bourbon...
-He's not a loser paying for lap dances,
493
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,351
he's a loser paying for listening.
494
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,353
Kirk, we've got to go.
495
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,480
The big game is about to start.
496
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,398
Come on... buddy?
497
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,859
Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh?
498
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,736
Well, guess what, buddy?
499
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,073
Carmeleena and Bodacious
are my true friends.
500
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,826
Nothing, nothing that we had was real.
501
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,994
Well, it was all fake.
502
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,081
But, damn it, somehow you turned
our fat, lazy, loser kids
503
00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,415
into winners.
504
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,001
Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you.
505
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,754
But I respect you.
506
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,922
Respect?
507
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,423
That's the one thing you can't buy
508
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,259
in a place like this.
509
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,468
(loud peeling)
510
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,346
I've got to get to that game!
511
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:02,391
Hey, that's a great realization
you had there, pally.
512
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,226
Now if we could just settle this up, eh?
513
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,311
$15,000?
514
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:10,566
12 lap-dances an hour,
times three girls, times 56 hours,
515
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,193
pole tax, glitter recycling fee.
516
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,611
It's quite a ride.
517
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:15,654
(grunts)
518
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:16,947
-Run!
-(men coughing)
519
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,032
♪ ♪
520
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,952
(nervously groaning)
521
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,787
(yells) DJs!
522
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:24,788
Uh-oh,
523
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,165
Japanese businessmen!
524
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,043
ATM with giant service fee!
525
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,297
Aw, we'll never make it to the game.
526
00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,466
Our kids were depending on us,
and we let them down.
527
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,677
You let them down. You.
528
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,095
Did you say kids?
529
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,847
We all have kids.
530
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,807
We'd do anything for 'em.
531
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,642
-(babies cooing)
-(nursery music plays)
532
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:49,813
Come on, working moms,
let's get these dads to that game.
533
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,732
I'm sorry, kids,
but your coaches aren't here.
534
00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,066
You're going to have to forfeit.
535
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:56,278
And now to blow this whistle
and make it official.
536
00:19:58,572 --> 00:19:59,990
It's the Strip-a-copter!
537
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:02,951
I mean, it's a helicopter
I've never rented before.
538
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:07,789
Helmet up, kids.
539
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,667
Let's win ourselves a championship.
540
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,837
Who wants orange slices?
541
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,255
(cheering)
542
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:16,924
ALL: Yay!
543
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:21,511
No matter how bad our kids screw up
the rest of their lives,
544
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,847
they'll always have this moment.
545
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,350
Buddy, you deserve this.
546
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:27,517
(exclaims quietly)
547
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,019
-(bones cracking)
-(Homer and Kirk scream)
548
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,729
Just because we're in traction
549
00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,523
doesn't mean this hospital room
can't swing.
550
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:37,903
♪ So I think about my next drink ♪
551
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,322
♪ And it's you and me
and the bottle makes three tonight ♪
552
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:41,448
(muffled groaning)
553
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,033
♪ Yeah! ♪
554
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:45,911
♪ What do you mean it's last call? ♪
555
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,215
{\an8}Hey, guys, I know all you
"Crushin' It" fans
556
00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:01,218
{\an8}are super pumped
for my latest crush video.
557
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,387
{\an8}Sorry, no contest winner this week.
558
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,055
{\an8}Remember, to qualify,
559
00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,058
{\an8}you have to be a subscriber
and leave a comment.
560
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,936
{\an8}Now, the secret to the ultimate
rice sammy
561
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,731
{\an8}is to make sure the rice is really wet,
li-like soaking.
562
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:15,732
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
563
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,276
{\an8}(chews and slurps)
564
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,402
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
565
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,363
{\an8}So after going in to find it
a third time,
566
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,616
{\an8}they just decided to leave
the colonoscopy camera inside...
567
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:25,617
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
568
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:26,910
{\an8}Five words:
569
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:29,204
{\an8}jet fuel can't melt steel.
570
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,539
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
571
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:32,207
{\an8}When I held the door for that guy
572
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,835
{\an8}and he didn't even say
thank you, I just lost it!
573
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:35,919
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
574
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:39,339
{\an8}Oh, man,
Milwaukee would've been so sweet.
575
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:41,591
{\an8}The Zoom were the kings of that town!
576
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:42,801
{\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing)
577
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,136
{\an8}(snoring)
578
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,057
-(murmuring)
-Shh!
579
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,022
Subtitled by C. Hazzard