1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:06,214 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,928 (exclaiming) 3 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,810 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,022 (Barney belches) 5 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,774 (tires screech) 6 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,942 D'oh! 7 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,235 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,903 (grunts) 9 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:31,698 {\an8}(gentle orchestral music playing) 10 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,349 ♪ ♪ 11 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,022 (wind whistling) 12 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:11,571 S-So lonely. 13 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,785 (raspy) No sex without a ring. 14 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,371 Damn it! 15 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,998 ♪ ♪ 16 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,042 (giants laughing) 17 00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,960 (belches) 18 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,556 (creaking) 19 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,975 ♪ ♪ 20 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:44,938 Mm. 21 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,231 What the...?! Hey, whoa! 22 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,400 (ghostly moaning) 23 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,653 (crackling) 24 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,367 What about us, man? 25 00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,743 Get your own couch. 26 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,037 ♪ ♪ 27 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,794 {\an8}(soft organ music playing) 28 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:12,090 {\an8}(organ music continues) 29 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:17,512 {\an8}Poor Chip. Such a big part of everyone's life. 30 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,181 {\an8}People called him the "sixth Simpson." 31 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,599 {\an8}I'm not sure why. 32 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,435 {\an8}Chip did such a wonderful job 33 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,146 with my biography. 34 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,730 (people murmuring) 35 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:33,903 {\an8}(speaking Spanish) 36 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:38,408 {\an8}Chip was the life of Sector 6-F at the nuclear plant, 37 00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:42,996 {\an8}but Chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets. 38 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,080 {\an8}(all gasp) 39 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,915 {\an8}Chip regretted never ascending 40 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,127 {\an8}Mount Springfield from the south face. 41 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:52,088 {\an8}He regretted that the high school long jump record he set 42 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,590 {\an8}was wind-aided. 43 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:56,759 {\an8}He often spoke of that asterisk. 44 00:02:56,843 --> 00:03:00,847 {\an8}He never broke par on hole 17 at Springfield Mini Golf. 45 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,349 {\an8}-(organ music resumes) -Let us pray. 46 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,351 {\an8}Eh, everyone has regrets. 47 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,352 {\an8}Not me. 48 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,521 {\an8}You? Your marriage is a dead fish 49 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,940 {\an8}floating in a tank of stale beer. 50 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,568 {\an8}Your baby's addicted to pacifiers. 51 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,489 {\an8}And your son is out of control. 52 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:20,825 {\an8}Let us kneel. 53 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583 {\an8}-(pained groans) -Ow! My knees! 54 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,336 {\an8}40 years of healing, gone! 55 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,004 {\an8}(cackling) 56 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,340 {\an8}He's such a little dickens. 57 00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,550 {\an8}Although Dickens was pretty well-behaved. 58 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,136 {\an8}He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's DNA 59 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,888 {\an8}staggered into your womb. 60 00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,640 {\an8}I have no regrets about that. 61 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,226 {\an8}It was a perfect pregnancy. 62 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,896 {\an8}Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds. 63 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,398 {\an8}And every night before bed, Homer would give me a little kiss... 64 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,067 {\an8}music! (gasps) 65 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,653 {\an8}Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up 66 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,696 {\an8}by the Kiss music? 67 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,157 {\an8}♪ Get up! Everybody's gonna move their feet ♪ 68 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,577 {\an8}♪ Get down! Everybody's gonna leave their seats ♪ 69 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:08,289 {\an8}♪ You got to lose your mind in Detroit Rock City ♪ 70 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,583 {\an8}Huh? 71 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:14,170 {\an8}Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever. 72 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,381 {\an8}Well, for some reason it relaxes me. 73 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:18,549 {\an8}Now, do that thing Gene Simmons does. 74 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,135 {\an8}Overstay my welcome for 40 years? 75 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,181 (whistling a tune) 76 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,268 KENT BROCKMAN: Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few. 77 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,520 Covering a town of backwater rubes 78 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,397 who, for some reason, hate my guts. 79 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,441 This is Kent Brockman... (sighs) 80 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,069 live at the Springfield Peach Parade. 81 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:41,197 Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom? 82 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,657 It's a little-known fact 83 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,201 that you can get head lice from peaches. 84 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,328 Uh, this is my daughter, Peaches. 85 00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,830 (sighs) 86 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,248 We'll have more regrets at 11:00 tonight 87 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,583 following an all-new bottle of scotch. 88 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,043 HOMER: (scoffs) You have regrets, 89 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,838 Mr. "I Get to See the Weathergirl From the Side"! 90 00:04:56,921 --> 00:05:00,008 I made the worst financial decision of all time. 91 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,759 Oh, I can't think about it. 92 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,469 I won't think about it. 93 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,096 I don't want to think about it! 94 00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:08,391 Oh, I'm thinking about it! 95 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:10,977 Mm... 96 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,896 Hmm. 97 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,481 Huh? 98 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:18,067 (shudders) Oh... that's the coolest bowling ball 99 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,111 I've ever seen. 100 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,448 Hello, Bear Stearns? 101 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,325 I'd like to sell all my Apple stock 102 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,452 so I can buy a fancy bowling ball. 103 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,330 You heard me. Technology is a fad. 104 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,623 Heavy, blue balls are the future. 105 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,210 Now let us text on our ubiquitous 106 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,629 Apple tablets and phones. 107 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:39,964 (keys clicking) 108 00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:44,761 Oh, you cost me a piece of all that! 109 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,555 Oh, don't cry. 110 00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,057 If it makes you feel worse, 111 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,225 I'm the man who bought the stock you sold. 112 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,729 I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all. 113 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,481 Just one. 114 00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,232 The girl that got away. 115 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,568 She broke my first heart. 116 00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:04,739 So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets? 117 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,240 I have no regrets. 118 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,492 Really, Mother? 119 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,411 Oh, I didn't see you there. 120 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,294 (Irish accent) I'm Father O'Greedy. Dimes for the needy. 121 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,754 (Milhouse chuckles) 122 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:22,757 Milhouse, are you the bottom half of that mischief? 123 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,344 MILHOUSE: Uh... uh... uh... 124 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:28,012 Oh, my. 125 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:32,016 My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways. 126 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,393 Return those vestments. 127 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,061 Speaking of return on investments, 128 00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,313 my Apple stock is up 3,500%. 129 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,690 Aw, you misheard that on purpose! 130 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,027 (grunting) 131 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:46,364 Tithe denied! Tithe denied! 132 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:51,452 Mm. Must find way... to blame myself. 133 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,665 Um, it says I should give you lumbar support. 134 00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,625 Better go to the lumber yard. 135 00:06:57,708 --> 00:07:00,753 "Lum- bar." It means "lower back." 136 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,797 How many times will you make that mistake? 137 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,715 (groans) Just put on the Kiss record. 138 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,385 -Which one? -Anything from Love Gun. 139 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:08,302 ♪ ♪ 140 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,848 Hey, book, are you expecting this? 141 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,057 And while I'm at it... 142 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,727 Burn, dumb, helpful books. 143 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,813 That is a good fire. 144 00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:20,565 (grunting) 145 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,692 (pants) 146 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,652 You're going down, Bart! 147 00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:26,904 (grunts, groans) 148 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,407 -Ah, reckless youth. -He'll be okay. 149 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:31,409 I was referring to him. 150 00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:35,413 I had a spring in my step like that once. 151 00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,582 Back when I met Lilah. 152 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,627 Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement. 153 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:44,881 (French accent) Oh, Monty, 154 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:49,385 looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever. 155 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,387 There's heat. I just don't turn it on. 156 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,891 Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, 157 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,684 there's a question I must pose. 158 00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:57,977 I have something for you. 159 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,979 Oh! Not that. 160 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,190 (chuckles) 161 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,316 (grunts) 162 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:04,567 (bubbling) 163 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,152 (chuckles) 164 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,115 Wrong box. Lilah, will you take that big step 165 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,034 -from cousin to wife? -(gasps) 166 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,870 Oh, Monty, you must promise me one thing. 167 00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,581 Anything she wanted I was willing to do. 168 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:20,708 Anything, except... 169 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,960 All I ask is that you set aside 170 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,546 five minutes a day to think of others. 171 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:28,633 When you say "others," could they be bars of gold? 172 00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:31,469 (crying) I shall find another husband 173 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,471 as good as you are evil. 174 00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:34,555 No one's that good. 175 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,849 (sobbing) 176 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,228 All I have left is my drawing. 177 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,812 Hm. 178 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,564 It looked a lot better in my memory. 179 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,941 Uh, but you know what, Smithers? 180 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,860 I will find Lilah and win her back. 181 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,612 I'll just check with the old gang. 182 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,489 Hemingway! 183 00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:53,199 Picasso. 184 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:56,035 Matador Juan Belmonte. 185 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,371 And Stalin. 186 00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:00,581 That man could really put pressure on you. 187 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,874 Hello, Kent. 188 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,377 Well, well, well. Rachel Maddow. 189 00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,295 Everyone came back for Chip's funeral. 190 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,548 I was flying from DC to New York and, of course, 191 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,216 I had the layover in Springfield. 192 00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:11,968 How's the gang at Channel 6? 193 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,553 Look, let's get this out of the way-- 194 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,388 just because we both worked at Channel 6 195 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,473 and you made it big and I didn't doesn't mean I'm bitter. 196 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,684 Um, Is that your car? 197 00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,269 Maybe. 198 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,645 Kent, I'm gonna tell you 199 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,273 the most important mistake you ever made... 200 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:26,607 after this break. 201 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,151 So, Kent, that mistake you made, 202 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,195 that fundamental, life-changing error, 203 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,738 that cosmic fail, that... 204 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,241 -Just tell me already! -After this break. 205 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:36,617 You could have come with me, 206 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,411 but you were suckling the dual teats 207 00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,539 of infotainment and celebrifawning. 208 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:43,541 (upbeat theme plays) 209 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,835 So, tell us about your new movie. 210 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,044 It's fantastic. 211 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,131 {\an8}The studio let us play in their sandbox. 212 00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,758 -Great. We have a clip. -No! No, don't show it. 213 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,136 There aren't five good seconds in the whole film. 214 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,721 -(car door closes) -(tires screeching) 215 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,058 I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist. 216 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,102 I keep discovering a new rock bottom. 217 00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:06,022 Kent, I think I found my ticket out of this town. 218 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,065 Or at least to a better Springfield. 219 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,234 You two newshounds working on a story? 220 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,819 How about this? 221 00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:15,114 Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta. 222 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,699 When did that happen? 223 00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,701 Whenever you want. Eh? 224 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,077 Rachel, can I come? 225 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,537 We can share blazers. 226 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,788 Just follow me. 227 00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,458 At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall 228 00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,460 is signed by Frank Junior. 229 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,545 The frame hides the "Junior"! 230 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,506 Someone's been dumping tires in the forest. 231 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,469 Willikers! In my three years of soft news, 232 00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:38,387 I've never seen anything like this. 233 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,390 Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car. 234 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,477 It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly. 235 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:45,978 (laughs) What a scoop! 236 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,688 You're not telling no one. 237 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,941 As the 4:00 p.m. clown, I have complete control 238 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,527 of Channel 6's news division. 239 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,697 Local news is a joke. 240 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,074 I'm going to cable. 241 00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,492 Cable news! 242 00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:02,244 Bah! People only want news at 6:00 p.m. 243 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,163 from white guys on weekdays 244 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,915 and black guys on weekends. 245 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:07,333 We'll see about that. 246 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,126 Yes, we shall see. 247 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,671 About that, things will be seen. 248 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,422 By us. 249 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:15,841 Kent, you coming? 250 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:17,343 He ain't comin'. 251 00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,720 This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy 252 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,430 anchorman slop trough. 253 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,891 Could you, uh, phrase that a little more nicely? 254 00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:26,686 Sorry. He "isn't" coming. 255 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,187 You'll regret this, Kent. 256 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,564 When I have my own show and you're stuck here 257 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,442 tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole. 258 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,028 "Oh, look, he's over Greenland!" 259 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,785 Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice. 260 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,873 Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so. 261 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,050 Look, Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie. 262 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,136 She's still alive, and she just got over 263 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:01,804 being mad at you last week. 264 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,139 Lilah's alive? 265 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,099 Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, 266 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,642 but... she's a nun. 267 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,978 Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her? 268 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,689 Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one. 269 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,400 But your penguin's not a Catholic, she's a Buddhist nun-- 270 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,903 spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden. 271 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,114 Those raked rocks could have been me. 272 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:23,159 Now, since you're so good at finding things, find the exit. 273 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,245 There is the little matter of my fee. 274 00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,205 You're becoming very tiresome. 275 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,999 Who moved my desk?! 276 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:33,669 ♪ ♪ 277 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:37,590 Well, here I am. Cable news alley. 278 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,680 (dog howls) 279 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,559 Fox News. Is this really how I want 280 00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,186 to get back in the big leagues? 281 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,062 Let's see how print journalism is doing. 282 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,731 Sir, do you sell The New York Times? 283 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:56,400 Sir, we are The New York Times. 284 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,027 And in I go. 285 00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,529 Why are you doing this, Bart? 286 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,990 50% attention-seeking, 287 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,701 50% to drop things on people. 288 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,746 He's gonna visit my sky granny. 289 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:12,374 To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do 290 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,043 is operate this device. 291 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,878 Now, when a Republican is in trouble... 292 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,422 {\an8}At the time, I didn't know it was illegal 293 00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,467 {\an8}to sex up a cow on the Capitol steps. 294 00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,511 ...we simply do this. 295 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,892 Now you try. 296 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,774 Sorry, but I just discovered I have some scruples. 297 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,609 I'm going back to my sweet little town 298 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,653 where I can decide what news is. 299 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,238 Like a god. 300 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,741 We've had some good times. 301 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,160 ♪ Memories ♪ 302 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:53,624 ♪ Rest between the pages of my mind ♪ 303 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,713 ♪ Memories ♪ 304 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:05,803 ♪ See me through the ages just like wine... ♪ 305 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:09,348 And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep, 306 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,392 so I'm getting you shined up nice. 307 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,686 What the...? 308 00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,521 Oh! 309 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,481 That's a ball-proof window, sir. 310 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,359 Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital? 311 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:24,280 {\an8}SIRI: I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. 312 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,323 Deleting all contact information. 313 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,784 No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I... 314 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,202 Delete confirmed. 315 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,542 BART: (groans) Okay, Bart, be cool. 316 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,295 Calm down, you're not gonna die up here. 317 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,546 (indistinct chatter) 318 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:41,881 (whooping) 319 00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:44,884 -(gunfire) -(Bart yells) 320 00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,556 Aw... 321 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,392 D'oh! 322 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,197 Oh, Monty, I can't believe you found me 323 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,491 after all these years. 324 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,744 I've saved myself for you. 325 00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,203 Well, then, uh... (nervous chuckle) 326 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,039 I should disrobe at once. 327 00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:17,207 Housekeeping? Send up a Chinese dressing screen 328 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,377 and one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics. 329 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,339 -Be right back. -(laughs softly) 330 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,927 Smithers? Which do I take first, 331 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,929 the rhino horn or the tiger tongue? 332 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,597 I have my doubts about both, sir. 333 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,724 Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. 334 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,100 With my pump. 335 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,436 (engine sputtering) 336 00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,188 (sputtering continues) 337 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,981 (chuckles) Just powdering my nose, darling. 338 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,567 (engine continues sputtering) 339 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,863 Smithers, run down to Sears, Roebuck, 340 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,366 and get a five-eighths-inch Phillips head bolt. 341 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,368 (tires screech) 342 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:55,079 (sighs) Here I am, slowly dying every day 343 00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,997 at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00. 344 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,624 BART: Help! Help! 345 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:02,211 Child in danger with exciting visuals! 346 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,963 This kid's corpse could be my magic carpet. 347 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,381 Get me a cameraman! 348 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,884 The movie Up has come horribly to life over Springfield. 349 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,844 A local boy clings to life in a story 350 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:13,013 that proves this reporter's relevance. 351 00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:14,473 BART: Ay, caramba! 352 00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,308 (gasps) It's Bart! 353 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,643 Pray for a miracle, boy. 354 00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,062 God can hear you better from up there. 355 00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,981 Dear Lord, please help me land safely. 356 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,483 Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot 357 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,819 that I control with my mind. Amen. 358 00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,070 That's not a prayer. 359 00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:29,738 My God says it is. 360 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:37,329 Oh, I see you're ice-cold with anticipation. 361 00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,624 Dead? 362 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,167 Oh, Lilah. 363 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,421 Even at the end, I waited too long. 364 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,172 What if I give her the breath of life? 365 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,799 (soft exhale) 366 00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:50,342 Oh, boy. 367 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,594 I guess one regret just leads to another. 368 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,388 You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace 369 00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,016 to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you. 370 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,645 Here you are, my good man. 371 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,856 A little broth will cure your mental illness. 372 00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:05,482 -(chuckles) -Sir, that's five minutes. 373 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,609 You can stop thinking of other people now. 374 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,446 You know what, I think I'll give it another five. 375 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,867 I'm proud of you, Monty. 376 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,076 (kissing) 377 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,953 I ain't eatin' that. 378 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,751 Chief, what are you doing to save our son? 379 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,419 Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof 380 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,421 to shoot the balloons one by one, 381 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,465 but frankly they're not very good. 382 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,591 -(gunshot) -(grunts) 383 00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,968 (whining) Chief, it happened again. 384 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,387 Aw, come on, guys, spread out. Arm's length. 385 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,972 It's all my fault. 386 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,557 I should never have listened 387 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,268 to those Kiss albums when I was pregnant. 388 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,687 Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. 389 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,273 My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches 390 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,983 when she was pregnant with Ralphie, 391 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,110 and he can't even open a refrigerator. 392 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,945 Pushing, always... always pushing. 393 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,072 Really? 394 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,656 Oh, yeah. That kid's a mess. 395 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,992 Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou. 396 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,536 Kid's scared to flush. Thinks it's his brother. 397 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,915 Can we focus on my son up in the sky? 398 00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:04,792 {\an8}Oh, I've got a long-shot idea. 399 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:08,253 {\an8}By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance. 400 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,130 {\an8}(chuckling) 401 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,548 Yeah, you see, if we could fire 402 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,844 an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight into the basket, 403 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,098 it would lower the boy very gently to the ground. 404 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,434 Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down 405 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,312 to make a statue of Joe Paterno, 406 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:28,148 which we changed to look like Eugene Levy. 407 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:33,445 I think I just might have what you're looking for. 408 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:37,074 ♪ ♪ 409 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:40,786 Today I'm glad that I sold that stock. 410 00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,539 Uh, Apple closed up another 20 points today. 411 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,457 (whining) Why does everyone know? 412 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,210 Because their terrific products keep track of it for you. 413 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,129 And anything else you could ever think of. 414 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,096 That kid's not dying on my watch. 415 00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,265 Which ends... right now, fortunately. 416 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,975 (hums a tune) 417 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,979 (whimpers) 418 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:10,899 CROWD: (chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 419 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,651 (laughing) Hey. 420 00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,570 -CROWD: Bart! Bart! -Hmm. (yells) 421 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,822 {\an8}Homer's rising faster than Apple stock. 422 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,240 {\an8}(laughter) 423 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,075 (Homer yells, grunts) 424 00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:22,744 My boy's okay! 425 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,454 CROWD: (chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart! 426 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,748 I won the science fair! 427 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,709 I get to go to Chicago! 428 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,419 CROWD: Bart! Bart! Bart! 429 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,422 Ugh. Bart, Bart, Bart. 430 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,424 You know what I think about regrets? 431 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,302 As long as your family is together, 432 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:41,013 every choice you've ever made is the right one. 433 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,223 And together we are. 434 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,308 (gunshot) 435 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:47,269 Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already. 436 00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,562 (gunshot) 437 00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,689 MAN: Sorry, Chief, that was me putting it down. 438 00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,816 And there you have it-- a family reunited. 439 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,819 And a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting. 440 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,487 Back to you, Rachel Maddow. 441 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,531 Great job, Kent. I think we might have 442 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,491 an opening for you at MSNBC 443 00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,952 between our weekend prison documentary block 444 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,495 and the two hours it takes 445 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,289 to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning. 446 00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,957 (chuckles) No, thanks, Rachel Maddow. 447 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,668 I'm happy right here. No regrets. 448 00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,176 ♪ ♪ 449 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,137 -(murmuring) -Shh! 450 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,935 {\an8}Subtitled Emily Hurd