1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,172 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,300 (school bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:12,178 (belches) 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,765 ANNOUNCER: And here they are, the Sofa Speedsters-- 5 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,726 the Simpsons on Brown Lightning! 6 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,352 The Piggly Wiggums! 7 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:21,146 The Bumble Buggy! 8 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,439 The Greed Hornet! 9 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:23,732 Dr. Groom! 10 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,400 Glasgow-A-Go-Go! 11 00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:26,943 Hick Dastardly... 12 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,570 and the Franken-continental! 13 00:00:28,653 --> 00:00:31,823 Who will be sitting pretty at the finish line? 14 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,455 (crashing) 15 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:39,956 (engine chugging) 16 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,417 (cackling) 17 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:43,835 Beat ya! 18 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:45,670 D'oh! 19 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,433 Pushy sign! Don't tell me what to try! 20 00:00:58,516 --> 00:01:01,936 Homer! Dr. Hibbert told you to eat healthier! 21 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,563 I don't recall that. 22 00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,106 Well, I do. 23 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,776 {\an8}-Eat healthier! -You too, Julius! 24 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:11,112 {\an8}I heard you were at Loretta's Diner on "Catfish Friday"! 25 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:13,907 {\an8}How do you know that? You got your brother following me? 26 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,408 {\an8}Chester needs a job. 27 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,868 {\an8}I paid him to build a shed! 28 00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,953 {\an8}Where is my shed, Bernice? 29 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,164 {\an8}One onion rings, please. 30 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,044 {\an8}Can I borrow ten bucks from the cash register? 31 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:28,046 {\an8}I've gotta get drunk before a party. 32 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,714 {\an8}(stressed-out murmuring) 33 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:32,926 {\an8}Excuse me. A homeless man is giving himself a sink bath! 34 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,135 {\an8}(stressed-out murmuring) 35 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,929 {\an8}(kids yelling) 36 00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:38,598 {\an8}Karate class is here and hungry! 37 00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:41,392 {\an8}You got any scented candles? 38 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,144 {\an8}(fryer beeping) 39 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,564 {\an8}(Homer screams) 40 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:50,110 {\an8}Ow! This is the worst pain imaginable! 41 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,694 {\an8}This one's cold. 42 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:56,366 {\an8}Mr. Simpson, your injury was no accidénte, 43 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,785 {\an8}it was... negligénce. 44 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,620 {\an8}My burns have affected our... 45 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:02,122 {\an8}(whispers) intimacy... 46 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,499 {\an8}because all night, I talk about how much money 47 00:02:04,582 --> 00:02:06,459 {\an8}I'm going to make from the lawsuit. 48 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:09,337 {\an8}Money? What I am concerned about is your burns. 49 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:10,839 {\an8}(grunts skeptically) 50 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,757 {\an8}They have healed much too quickly. 51 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:16,136 {\an8}Sit still while I give your head the "third degree." 52 00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:21,099 {\an8}(screams) Oh, God! It hurts worse than the burns! 53 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:24,018 {\an8}Yes, these are special acid markers. 54 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:29,357 {\an8}Homer Simpson, you shall receive $5,000 after legal fees. 55 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,942 {\an8}Pay up, Krusty. 56 00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:32,569 {\an8}It wasn't even my place! 57 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,155 {\an8}Man, I got a bad lawyer. 58 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,825 {\an8}So, uh, what are you gonna do with the money, Homer? 59 00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:41,161 {\an8}Well, thought bubble Marge said we should 60 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,079 {\an8}put it in a college fund for Lisa. 61 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,622 {\an8}So where's the money now? 62 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,124 {\an8}I put it in the bank. 63 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:49,711 {\an8}That place is great! On their wall, they had a photo 64 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:52,130 {\an8}with an old couple walking on the beach 65 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,673 {\an8}with their pants rolled up. 66 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:55,592 {\an8}Uh, Homer, we all wanna walk on a beach 67 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,968 {\an8}with our pants rolled up, 68 00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:59,512 {\an8}but, uh, banks are not as safe as they used to be. 69 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,598 {\an8}Yeah, when you give the bank your money, 70 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,224 {\an8}they lend it to other people! 71 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,976 {\an8}I saw a Sesame Street about it! 72 00:03:05,059 --> 00:03:06,769 {\an8}Kermit was wearing his trench coat and everything. 73 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,814 {\an8}Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit, too? 74 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,566 {\an8}All the frogs on that show are Kermit. 75 00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902 Keeps all the other frog actors out of work. 76 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,570 That settles it. No banks for me. 77 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:17,447 I'll tell you where you should put your money. 78 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,033 The one safe place left in this world of woe: 79 00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,117 What the...? 80 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,162 I'm not gonna gamble with my daughter's future. 81 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,747 Nah, you don't have to bet the money. 82 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:28,791 The poker website just keeps it nice and safe, 83 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,085 where the FDIC can't get its grubby little hands on it! 84 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,923 A poker site is now safer than an American bank. 85 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:38,801 Has our nation-- built on people suing because their onion rings 86 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,012 were too hot-- come to this? 87 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,473 Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't you badmouth this country. 88 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,351 Compared to the rest of the Third World, we're doin' great! 89 00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,102 {\an8}Open file, click and... 90 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:50,772 {\an8}(cash register dings) 91 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:51,689 {\an8}...invested! 92 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,483 Hey, Lisa, check out your college fund! 93 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,778 You put my college fund on a poker site?! 94 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,488 It's a classy operation. 95 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,615 See? The little dealer's wearing a bow tie-- cute! 96 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:03,284 Well, at least I have a college fund! 97 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:04,452 On a poker site! 98 00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,287 More importantly, it's a college fund. 99 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,372 On a poker site! 100 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:08,706 Dad, please! 101 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,541 Sorry. Check out my new T-shirt. 102 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,255 (sighs) Where did you get that shirt? 103 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,673 I've had it for a long time. 104 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,592 I was just about to throw it out, and then this happened. 105 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,843 Mwah! 106 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,514 (rattling) 107 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,599 That's one way to avoid drunk driving. 108 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,351 Another way is don't drink. 109 00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,103 I'm not Superman. 110 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,397 Homie, do you know what yesterday was? 111 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,857 Ha! Of course I do! 112 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:38,111 Happy anni... birth... entine... 113 00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,113 Shark week? 114 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:43,741 Yesterday's the day we were supposed to visit Grampa! 115 00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,203 What the...?! Stupid calendar. 116 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,373 First you put the Fourth of July on Sunday, and now this! 117 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,709 Oh, we're gonna discuss this later! 118 00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:59,090 Okay, remember the plan: Apologize to Grampa. 119 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:00,842 Then when he wants us to take him out to lunch, 120 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:02,635 point to the leftovers, 121 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,262 tell him we already did, but he forgot. 122 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,347 I still feel guilty. 123 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,766 Your father's not going to be around forever. 124 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,184 Marge, you take that back! 125 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,562 Fine, he'll be around forever. 126 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,896 You take that back! 127 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:14,856 (sighs) 128 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,568 (sighs) We're here to see Abe Simpson. 129 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:21,404 Abe Simpson?! Uh, excuse me. 130 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,740 (curious grunting) 131 00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:27,368 I'm very sorry to tell you your father... is missing. 132 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:30,872 Missing?! What kind of a prison are you people running here? 133 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:32,874 If it's any consolation, we'll probably find him 134 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,167 when the river thaws in the spring. 135 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:35,418 A lot of bobbers then. 136 00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:45,595 There's gotta be a clue in here somewhere. 137 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:50,433 Spats, sock garters, the world's hardest hard candy... 138 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,103 Oh, it's hopeless! 139 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,398 This room is like a museum of meaningless old crap. 140 00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:00,151 By which I mean every museum. 141 00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,778 Grampa's army footlocker! 142 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:04,155 I bet the most important things in the world 143 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,698 to him are in this box! 144 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,784 So precious... 145 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,457 Look at that, a man's whole life 146 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,542 being kicked around on the floor. 147 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,128 MARGE: "Spiro's... 148 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,172 The place that changed my life..." 149 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:24,008 Flimsy lead, take me away! 150 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,636 Okay, baby, let's see the flop. 151 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:29,389 Damn it! Lost again. 152 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,599 {\an8}(trilling, blipping) 153 00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:33,184 (cash register rings) 154 00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:35,269 (gasps) 155 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:38,064 Are you playing poker with my college fund? 156 00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:40,274 I'm only down $62. 157 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,526 Not counting my tips to the waitresses. 158 00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:48,324 Get your hands off my future! 159 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,243 Fine, fine. 160 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,122 New low, even for this family. 161 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,706 College fund on a poker site. 162 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,458 I'm just gonna log right out. 163 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,711 Get outta here! 164 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,090 Huh. Two queens. 165 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,467 That's a great start. 166 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:10,555 Well, maybe I can just win the $62 back. 167 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,098 (beeping) 168 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:17,895 Four queens! Yes! Yes...! 169 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,188 Gambling, eh? 170 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,315 Satan's most potent recruiting tool! 171 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:25,069 All due respect, Mr. Flanders, could I have a little privacy? 172 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,821 Please? 173 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,240 Thank you. 174 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,248 {\an8}(cash register rings, game trills) 175 00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:40,376 Yeah! $50 up! (laughs) 176 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,588 Time to play with house money! 177 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:46,257 -Or time to walk away from the table. -Shoo! 178 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,760 How did he...? 179 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,347 Can't let Lisa lose her sense of wonder. (grunts) 180 00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,062 (dogs growling) 181 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:02,899 (both whimpering) 182 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,484 (patrons murmuring, laughing) 183 00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:10,948 Excuse me, have you seen this man? 184 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,117 We don't like questions, man. 185 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,578 Yeah, but I'm just trying to get information, 186 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:18,206 like a nosey reporter or an undercover cop. 187 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,457 What'd he say about a cop? 188 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,792 Or a spy from a rival gang? 189 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:25,630 Hey, what are you doing? (screaming) 190 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,632 (Homer gibbering) 191 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:30,468 Abe Simpson... used to work here. Put him down! 192 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,469 Ow! 193 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,389 (sneezes) 194 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:38,392 Welcome to Spiro's! I am Spiro. 195 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,269 Not the Spiro on the sign. That's my brother. 196 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,146 Did you say my dad worked here? 197 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,148 Yes, in the old days. 198 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:47,652 When people ate steak, drank champagne, and the music... 199 00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:50,988 oh, the music! I hated the music! 200 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,950 (swing music playing) 201 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,585 Hmm... 202 00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:10,091 Simpson! I pay you to clean tables, not to write songs. 203 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:11,592 And you, Marvin Hamlisch, 204 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,553 I pay you to write songs, not to clean tables! 205 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,972 What can I say? I like to pitch in. 206 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,598 (Spiro speaking Greek) 207 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:24,564 (plays light melody) 208 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,900 ♪ My heart does the two-step ♪ 209 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,736 ♪ When you waltz in the place ♪ 210 00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,572 HOMER: Wait a minute! 211 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:36,742 My dad was an aspiring songwriter like Charles Manson? 212 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,369 I never knew that. 213 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:43,082 You know who would sound good singing that song? 214 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,500 Me. 215 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,711 Rita Lafleur singing one of my tunes?! 216 00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:50,214 Can a 35-year-old busboy's life get any better? 217 00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,550 ♪ My heart does the two-step ♪ 218 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:54,260 ♪ When you waltz in the place ♪ 219 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,721 ♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker ♪ 220 00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,514 ♪ When I look at your face ♪ 221 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:04,061 ♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace... ♪ 222 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,939 Busboy, that breadbasket napkin's so opened up, 223 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,482 you can see everything! Disgusting! 224 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,734 You're fired! 225 00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,068 Hey, you can't do that! 226 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,654 I just turned sweet on him! Yeah! 227 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,323 Be sweet on him in your own sweet time! 228 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,907 Why did I ever leave Greece? 229 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,492 Oh, that's right, 'cause it's a train wreck. 230 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,747 I never saw either of them again. 231 00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,665 If you find your Dad, tell him sorry 232 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,169 from Spiro Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolopodopotopolis. 233 00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:33,591 Got it. Papadapaconstantikasgianopolop- odopotopolis. 234 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:35,009 Now, what was that singer's name again? 235 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:36,260 Rita Lafleur. 236 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,512 Rita La-what? 237 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,848 -Lafleur. -One more time. 238 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,642 Ugh! I'll write it down for you. 239 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:47,021 Thank you Mr. Papadapaconstanti- kasgianopolopodopotopolis. 240 00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:51,400 (gasps) There's exactly one Rita Lafleur living in Springfield! 241 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,027 That's where we live! 242 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:55,154 Hello? Rita Lafleur? 243 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,782 Did you know a man named Abe Simpson? 244 00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,201 Know him? I'm married to him. 245 00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:01,410 (gasps) 246 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,621 Homer, she's married to your dad! 247 00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:06,582 Whoo-hoo! I get two Christmases! 248 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,588 I've read every expert on poker 249 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,423 and watched Jennifer Tilly's DVD. 250 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,883 Start with your Simpsons money, 251 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,635 (high voice) use a little girl voice, 252 00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:19,970 and take 'em for everything they've got. 253 00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:23,557 Now, I'm needed on the set of Bride of Chucky V. 254 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,559 Time is money! 255 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,186 Money is money! 256 00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:28,646 And money is college, 257 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:31,857 which should lead to more money someday, but who knows anymore? 258 00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:01,095 -Tim, what are you doing? -Bible trivia. 259 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,514 You've been doing that an awful lot lately. 260 00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:06,350 The Bible is rich with trivia! 261 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:09,770 I can't believe my Dad never told me he had another wife. 262 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,356 The man I looked up to my whole life. 263 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,191 You never looked up to him. 264 00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,068 Well, it's a good thing I didn't 265 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,446 because I'd be pretty devastated right now. 266 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:19,447 (bird caws) 267 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,198 I can't believe you're here. 268 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,242 I'd finally gotten over your father 269 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:26,370 just a week-and-a-half ago, and then you two show up. 270 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,331 Well, we certainly don't want to cause you any more pain. 271 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,752 But we need to know everything, no matter how shameful and fast! 272 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,546 I understand, but this is hard. 273 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:36,714 Yeah. 274 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:39,592 Well, just what attracted you to my father? 275 00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:42,261 Beneath his mediocrity there was genius. 276 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,346 Then a layer of anger. 277 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,557 Then a beautiful soul. 278 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,976 Then some more anger! 279 00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,020 A lot of layers. 280 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,397 (scat singing) 281 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,028 (song ends) 282 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:04,116 (sighs) After we were fired from Spiro's, we teamed up... 283 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,410 for more than music. 284 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:10,164 Oh, Abe! (moaning) 285 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:11,916 Yeah! 286 00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:15,211 MARGE: Mm, that kind of romance leads to children. 287 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,838 RITA: Faster than you'd think. 288 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,007 I was alive when my Dad knew you? 289 00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:22,510 Alive, but very clueless. 290 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,763 So this was after Homer's mother left? 291 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,890 I love men on the rebound. 292 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,267 They always think they've done something wrong 293 00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,728 and they usually come with furniture. 294 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,105 My Dad had furniture?! 295 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:38,025 I don't know him at all! 296 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,861 RITA: One day, when we were walking through Proposal Park, 297 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,197 Abe popped the question. 298 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,366 We got married in the city hall, 299 00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:49,203 across from the prettiest church you ever seen. 300 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,040 Then tragedy struck. 301 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,585 (yelling, screaming) 302 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,213 (screaming continues) 303 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,678 (tires screech, thud) 304 00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:08,681 HOMER: Hey, I'm starting to remember why I don't remember so much. 305 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,725 We celebrated in your hospital room. 306 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,562 Our first night together as a family. 307 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:17,439 We didn't know it would be our last. 308 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,275 -(phone rings) -Hello? 309 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,904 Abe! They want to book us on a European tour! 310 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:27,199 That's fine, doll. Real fine. Why, we'll... 311 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,743 (electricity crackling, Homer yelling) 312 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,412 (electrical buzzing) 313 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:41,463 You know, Europe's no place for a six-year-old. 314 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:45,050 He can handle 110 volt, but 220 would kill him. 315 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:48,554 But making music is my dream, Abe. 316 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,055 Our dream. 317 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,891 I know, Sugar Tomato, 318 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,518 but I'm all the family this boy's got. 319 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,395 If I don't take care of him now, 320 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:58,355 he'll forget the day he's supposed to come 321 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,357 and see me when I'm old. 322 00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,490 Are you okay, Daddy? 323 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,911 Well, of course I'm okay! I'm with you! 324 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,871 Good-bye, Rita. 325 00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:17,249 This is why "life" comes before "love" in the dictionary. 326 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,751 (sniffles) 327 00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,377 Aw, thanks, son. 328 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,422 Now to make sure neither of us ever remember this. 329 00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:33,599 (sniffling) Oh, my God. 330 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,518 I never knew the sacrifices my father made. 331 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,187 Move over, Fonzie. 332 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,606 I've got a new hero. 333 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,608 I never saw Abe again. 334 00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,610 But I thought you still loved him. 335 00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,695 Life isn't all major chords. 336 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,949 Sometimes you gotta hit the minor keys. 337 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,283 What does that mean? 338 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,494 I got super-addicted to heroin. 339 00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:55,704 (sighing) 340 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,874 (snoring) Yeah. 341 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,960 Okay, education paid for, 342 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,379 with a gap year to find myself. 343 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,255 Every nerve in my body is screaming 344 00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,717 "Cash out now," and yet... (giggles) 345 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,552 I've got a pair of aces! 346 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,930 Ha! Full house! 347 00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,598 Aces over threes! 348 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:17,685 Take that, Rich Texan 001, 349 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:20,104 and Sideshow Bob @ Springfield Penitentiary-- Hah! 350 00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,438 I'm going all in! 351 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,068 Aw, doggone it! 352 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,903 I give up! 353 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,030 It's like Kenny Rogers' most famous line: 354 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,741 "This is a bad piece of chicken." 355 00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,747 He didn't fold? 356 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,124 But that's insane unless he has... 357 00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,919 (gasps) 358 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,295 Four threes?! 359 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,755 Oh, no! 360 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,507 No-no-no-no-no, no! 361 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:49,883 (trilling) 362 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,176 (cash register dings) 363 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:56,015 (buzzing) 364 00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:58,767 I can't breathe. (gasping) 365 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,729 I've lost, I've lost everything. 366 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,897 (sobbing, muttering) 367 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,484 We can all hear you. 368 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:08,819 Please log off. 369 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,743 (sobbing) 370 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,579 Aw, come on, Lis. No gambling story has a happy ending 371 00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:19,663 except Seabiscuit. 372 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,331 But you never hear about the ruined lives 373 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:22,833 of the people who bet against him. 374 00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:24,793 (sobbing) Oh, God... 375 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,962 This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! 376 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,214 I was Ivy! Strong Ivy! 377 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,591 (sobs) 378 00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:33,886 Oh, man, this is priceless, but I can't keep it up. 379 00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,013 You've still got a college fund. 380 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,182 What are you talking about? 381 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:39,683 I'm Sideshow Bob! 382 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,729 I've been using his avatar to play poker 383 00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,939 and trash his favorite restaurants on Yelp. 384 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,108 And I saved your vegetarian bacon. 385 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,527 Oh, my God! You won the pot? 386 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,780 You must have nearly a million dollars! 387 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,823 I can go to college and live like a Kennedy! 388 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,659 Listen, after I won, the website found out 389 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,788 we were both under 18, so we're back to the original $5,000. 390 00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:02,623 Shame! Shame! 391 00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:05,125 Did you give the money back to the people who lost it? 392 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,710 Good-bye. 393 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,172 Well, back to square one is a major victory 394 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,716 in this house, but why did you help me? 395 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,886 Come on! Tell me! 396 00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:18,889 Because I actually like you and felt sorry for you. 397 00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:20,974 What?! You did? 398 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:22,810 Forget I said anything! 399 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,188 {\an8}Sure. I have the ending for my memoir! 400 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:28,774 I'm sorry I couldn't help you find your father. 401 00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:33,946 If you find him, tell him I can still do this. Yeah. 402 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,156 Holy moley. 403 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,076 And tell him to put on a splash of this. 404 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,912 That's Dad's cologne? 405 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:45,165 I always thought it was his old-man stink. 406 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,752 When I knew him, it was young-man musk. 407 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,672 Man, you're making me hot for my Dad. 408 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:57,010 Only place in town that still sells Chicory Mist. 409 00:18:57,094 --> 00:19:01,932 After people found out it's 98% squirrel sweat, they sorta stopped buying. 410 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,935 -Listen, do you know this man? -Let me ask around. 411 00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:06,937 Abe, you seen this guy? 412 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,689 Oh, I know him. 413 00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:11,024 He's a man who has no son! 414 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,776 Dad! 415 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,280 Abe, we were so worried! 416 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,323 Dad, promise me you'll never wander off 417 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:21,034 and make us explore your fascinating past again. 418 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:25,539 I didn't wander off, ya big fat salami! I ran away! 419 00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,125 -What?! -You think I'm boring, 420 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,044 and you never visit me, and I got sick of waitin' for ya! 421 00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:33,755 So I got a job and found a new dump to live in 422 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,632 and I didn't tell you about it, 423 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,385 so at least that way I know you're not coming! 424 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,972 Grampa, we will never miss a visit again. 425 00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:44,308 And there'll be a lot more of them. 426 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:46,768 And I don't think you're boring. 427 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,022 It's just that in today's multichannel environment, 428 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,566 you have too many great choices. Look at Sunday night. 429 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:54,693 There's, like, eight amazing shows. 430 00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:56,361 None of them on Fox. 431 00:19:56,445 --> 00:20:00,199 Well... when you put it that way, all right. 432 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:04,620 I can't say all is forgiven, but most is forgotten. 433 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,747 Aw... 434 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,752 (sighs) 435 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,296 I guess my honky-tonkin' days are over. 436 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,757 -(melody playing on piano in distance) -What the...?! 437 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,593 Someone's playin' my tune! 438 00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:24,014 Don't take Grampa's meds. 439 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:25,724 I'm payin' for 'em. 440 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,228 (piano playing) 441 00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:36,068 Hey, Abe. Good to see you again. 442 00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:37,569 Rita! 443 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,404 You look dynamite! 444 00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,782 And you look like you could use a good ironing, 445 00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,242 but I still love you. 446 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,285 Take a seat. Yeah. 447 00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,833 {\an8}♪ My heart does the two-step when you waltz in the place ♪ 448 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,504 {\an8}♪ Yeah, my ticker beats quicker when I look at your face ♪ 449 00:20:55,587 --> 00:21:00,342 {\an8}♪ Yeah, you'd better call the doctor before we embrace ♪ 450 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,095 {\an8}-(both snore) -Yeah... 451 00:21:03,178 --> 00:21:05,973 {\an8}That's how wolves die in the wild. 452 00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:13,063 {\an8}♪ I get a jonesing in my bones when you strut across the room ♪ 453 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:16,942 {\an8}♪ Yeah, my liver starts to quiver, my intestines go boom ♪ 454 00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:21,113 {\an8}♪ But tell the undertaker I ain't ready for no tomb ♪ 455 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:28,412 {\an8}♪ You're the penny in my loafers, the egg in my cream ♪ 456 00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:32,457 {\an8}♪ Yeah, you knock me out, then you're the girl of my dreams ♪ 457 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,167 Yeah! 458 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,548 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay