1 00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,671 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:04,754 --> 00:00:06,297 Whoa, whoa! 3 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,636 (exclaiming) 4 00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,810 (school bell ringing) 5 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:22,772 (Barney belches) 6 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,399 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,151 (yells) 8 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,406 (beeping) 9 00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:38,830 (playing the blues) 10 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,128 (tires screeching) 11 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:47,964 D'oh! 12 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,299 (tires screeching) 13 00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:50,425 (grunts) 14 00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:53,845 (gunshot) 15 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,931 Hmm. 16 00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:00,185 (grunts) 17 00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:02,103 Uh! Mom! 18 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,450 {\an8}(crowd grumbling) 19 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:16,910 {\an8}Next. 20 00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:20,163 {\an8}Finally. The only thing I wait in lines this long for 21 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,790 {\an8}are slightly better cell phones. 22 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,209 {\an8}Why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding? 23 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:27,462 {\an8}Cousin Kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt. 24 00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,298 {\an8}And we're going so her feelings won't be hurt. 25 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:33,134 {\an8}I just don't understand the world of grown-ups. 26 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,806 {\an8}Sorry, sir, your bag is two pounds over the limit. 27 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,766 {\an8}Are you sure everything inside is essential? 28 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:40,934 {\an8}Absolutely. 29 00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:42,811 {\an8}Let me just redistribute our thingies 30 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,979 {\an8}amongst our various bags. 31 00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:48,650 {\an8}High school yearbooks... 32 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,860 {\an8}I told you not to pack them! 33 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,863 {\an8}(quietly) Don't argue in front of the airport line. 34 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,949 {\an8}Strangers are judging our marriage! 35 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:58,910 {\an8}Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels? 36 00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:00,453 {\an8}They self-reference each other. 37 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:04,415 {\an8}Marge, do we really need all these feminine products? 38 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:05,792 {\an8}That's toothpaste! 39 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,377 {\an8}Yes, but I never use that kind of toothpaste! 40 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:09,796 {\an8}Why don't you put one of those weights in that bag 41 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,840 {\an8}and put the other one in that bag? 42 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,591 {\an8}(satisfied chuckle) 43 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,135 {\an8}Try to catch one on your tongue. 44 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,803 {\an8}LISA: We're not with him. 45 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:23,184 {\an8}We'll need to have a special agent check this out. 46 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,021 {\an8}-(belches) -You're clear. 47 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,982 {\an8}Now I have to change the nipple. 48 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:30,817 {\an8}True patriots breast-feed. 49 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:31,985 {\an8}(groans) 50 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,903 {\an8}Sir, you've been selected for a pat-down. 51 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,489 {\an8}Whoo-hoo! Can you focus on my shoulders? 52 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,908 {\an8}That's where I carry my stress. 53 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,245 {\an8}Now, if I fart, that's 'cause I'm so relaxed. 54 00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,038 {\an8}(humming) 55 00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:45,665 {\an8}Sir, there isn't enough room. 56 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:48,084 {\an8}Yes, there is! 57 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,044 {\an8}HOMER: Whoo-hoo! 58 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,672 {\an8}(sighs) 59 00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:53,965 {\an8}Welcome to flight 55 60 00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:56,176 {\an8}to Bozeman, Montana by way of Miami. 61 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,053 {\an8}Due to an unforeseen jailbreak in New South Wales, 62 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,347 {\an8}our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed. 63 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,183 {\an8}So, we're going to be turning off the air, 64 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,435 {\an8}but ethnic people are permitted to open 65 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,061 {\an8}and eat their home-cooked food. 66 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,271 {\an8}HOMER: Huh? 67 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,689 {\an8}What the...? 68 00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:11,316 {\an8}Crazy food indeed, my friend. 69 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,442 {\an8}(chuckling) 70 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,110 {\an8}(slurping) 71 00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,239 {\an8}(people coughing, babies crying) 72 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,284 {\an8}CAPTAIN: Good news, folks. 73 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,286 {\an8}We've been cleared to taxi back to the terminal. 74 00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,246 {\an8}You still can't get off, but you will be able 75 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,165 {\an8}to look through the window and see other people 76 00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:28,791 {\an8}walking around and making fun of us. 77 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,293 {\an8}No word on takeoff. 78 00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,628 {\an8}(frustrated grunting) 79 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:32,962 {\an8}Sir, return to your seat. 80 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,381 {\an8}But I have to go to the bathroom. 81 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,507 {\an8}You should have thought of that 82 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,635 {\an8}before you drank the fluids you need to live. 83 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,845 {\an8}(groaning) 84 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,101 {\an8}Don't tread on pee! 85 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,020 {\an8}(whooping) 86 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,231 {\an8}We probably have rights! 87 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,440 {\an8}Yeah! 88 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,108 {\an8}(grunting) 89 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,945 {\an8}Airlines don't treat people like people anymore. 90 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,821 {\an8}You make us beg for a filthy pillow 91 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,448 {\an8}that a barnyard rat 92 00:04:00,531 --> 00:04:01,741 {\an8}wouldn't curl up and die in. 93 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:02,951 {\an8}And watch pre-taped messages 94 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,536 {\an8}that make crashing look like fun! 95 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:09,207 {\an8}Never putting me next to a pretty girl. 96 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,291 {\an8}(groans) 97 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,459 {\an8}(passengers muttering) 98 00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:12,794 {\an8}We're going to need the air marshal. 99 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,422 {\an8}(clears throat) 100 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:19,008 {\an8}Now you've done it! 101 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,134 {\an8}(sniffs) 102 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,095 -(screams) -I need backup! 103 00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:23,429 Come on, ladies. 104 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,889 You're all deputies now. 105 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:25,974 (whimpers) 106 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,977 Look, all I want is what everybody wants: 107 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:31,312 preferential treatment. 108 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,522 (grunts) 109 00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:36,359 You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit. 110 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,070 And why is there moisture between the windows? 111 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:41,447 And don't wake me up to land. 112 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,324 Just land! 113 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,910 (grunting) 114 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,912 (passengers screaming) 115 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,414 (grunts, screams) 116 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,166 I regret nothing! 117 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,002 Except this part. 118 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,086 (cheering) 119 00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:56,796 (groans) 120 00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:59,590 This is the last airline that would take us. 121 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,009 Looks like we're back to traveling 122 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,344 on tramp steamers and produce trucks. 123 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,512 I call shotgun! 124 00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:05,763 It's too early to call shotgun. 125 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,557 It's never too early to call shotgun. 126 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,725 No one's shotgun! 127 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,893 Now, be quiet. 128 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:13,187 (groans) 129 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:14,689 I'm still going to make my flight, right? 130 00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,649 'Cause, if not, you have to put me up 131 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:17,734 in a first-class hotel. 132 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,402 That's how it works. I... 133 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:20,903 (gagging) 134 00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:23,448 (Homer grunting) 135 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,532 (chuckling) 136 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:25,783 "Fatso Goes Nutso." 137 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,369 And post to YouTube with the following key words: 138 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,955 "fat," "stupid," "classic Simpsons," 139 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:31,998 and just to be safe, 140 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,875 "baby rides kitten rides penguin." 141 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,044 (chuckles) Perfect. 142 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:38,338 You can check my carry-on, 143 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,048 but you can't check my spirit. 144 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:42,717 And why is there moisture between the windows? 145 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,136 And don't wake me up to land. 146 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,305 Just land! 147 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,353 (moose roars) 148 00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,148 (bell chimes) 149 00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,233 (muffled) A six-pack of Duff, please. 150 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:00,485 Oh, yes, Mr. Homer. 151 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:01,778 (groans) 152 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,071 What gave me away? 153 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,114 Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear 154 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,699 whenever you are near, sir. 155 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,744 Uh, why are you in disguise? 156 00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:12,830 Because of that dumb viral video with 150 million hits, 157 00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,665 I can't go out in public. 158 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,125 Hey, it's the guy from the plane. 159 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,251 (sighs) 160 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,087 (cheering) Hey, way to go! 161 00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:22,382 -Wha...? -You said what we all think, 162 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,926 but don't have the bones to say. 163 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:27,929 When I heard Homer speak, I no longer felt small. 164 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,680 They love me. 165 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,599 The quiet Homer Simpson that kept it all 166 00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:33,351 bottled up inside is dead. 167 00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,896 This is the birth of Homer Simpson, blowhard. 168 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,357 I'm on the roll of my life. 169 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,317 Give me a scratcher. 170 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,860 Give me another one. 171 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,695 Almost a winner. 172 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,912 {\an8}I'm Nash Castor. 173 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,248 {\an8}Coming up, we butt heads with Ron Paul, Rand Paul, 174 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:57,708 {\an8}Paul Ryan, and Mitt "the Wonder" Romney. 175 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,252 {\an8}But first, we're here with this guy 176 00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:01,379 {\an8}my kid said was a thing: Homer Simpson. 177 00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:03,506 {\an8}-Whoo-hoo! I'm famous again! -Yes, 178 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:04,799 {\an8}your video has been mashed-up, 179 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:06,426 {\an8}Auto-Tuned, Jimmy Falloned, 180 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,261 {\an8}Philippine prisonered, 181 00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,429 {\an8}and occasionally even watched. 182 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,682 {\an8}Ha! But can you save America from its last savior? 183 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,684 {\an8}-Adriatica Vel Johnson. -Nash. 184 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,394 {\an8}In this kicked-in-the-teeth world, 185 00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:19,313 {\an8}what we don't need is another blustering bloat bag 186 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,442 {\an8}who claims to speak for Bubba and Britney Spray-Cheese. 187 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,484 {\an8}That's really smart. 188 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:24,777 {\an8}That's like something I would say. 189 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:25,903 {\an8}Precisely, Nash. 190 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,447 {\an8}That's a great point, Adriatica. 191 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,449 {\an8}Well, if I could explain myself... 192 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:30,616 {\an8}-Head butt! -(groans) 193 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,951 {\an8}We'll be right back after this. 194 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,163 Come here, you. 195 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,873 (moaning, giggling) 196 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:39,167 Homie, you can win this argument. 197 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:43,212 Just rant and rave like you do to the TV during sports. 198 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,428 Yes. Yes. Got it! 199 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,265 DIRECTOR: Uh, five seconds to air. 200 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,183 {\an8}(clears throat) 201 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:56,726 {\an8}And we're back with Homer Simpson, 202 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,853 {\an8}who's about to become a soggy Pamper 203 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:02,398 {\an8}flung to the side of history's freeway in three, two... 204 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,941 {\an8}-Not so fast! -(gasps) 205 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:07,695 {\an8}Now, I may not be some mani-pedied TV blowhard, 206 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,655 {\an8}but I do speak for the common man 207 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,825 {\an8}who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year, 208 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,327 {\an8}and watches women's tennis 209 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,329 {\an8}'cause he likes to hear them grunt. 210 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,873 {\an8}I bet Chuck the cameraman and Steve the sound guy 211 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,083 {\an8}know where I'm coming from. 212 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,004 {\an8}Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. 213 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,131 {\an8}Those real people out there 214 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,675 {\an8}who buy their coffee from the mini-mart 215 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:32,011 {\an8}and grab enough sugar packs for a week. 216 00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:35,139 {\an8}Honest, hardworking, sugar-stealing Americans! 217 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,724 -(crew cheering) -DIRECTOR: Cut. 218 00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,226 Nash, I'm scared. 219 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,061 Find me a rich husband-- quick! 220 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,730 Dad, you out-talked the talking heads. 221 00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,273 From now on, when someone asks me, 222 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,567 I'm going to say you are my father. 223 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,860 Aw, son. 224 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,988 Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you liked. 225 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,990 Homer, the way you just demolished 226 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:56,327 our number-one on-air personality was... 227 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,995 fantastic! 228 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,498 You are the kind of ill-informed gasbag 229 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,458 this network cannot get enough of. 230 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,793 We only have 11 now. 231 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,753 Not to mention our liberal straw man. 232 00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:08,130 ♪ Oh, the plain and simple facts is ♪ 233 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,840 ♪ I'd love to raise your taxes ♪ 234 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,385 ♪ And make your children gay... ♪ 235 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,220 But what we don't have is someone 236 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,888 who speaks to the average American. 237 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,808 Your flyover Franks, your dirt-bike Daryls. 238 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,269 How can you refer to your audience that way? 239 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,353 Well, what you do is take 240 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,188 a derogatory term and think of other words 241 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,856 -that start with the same letter. -Hmm. 242 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,358 Homer, you're getting your own show. 243 00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:28,609 Finally. 244 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,695 But I want to do it my way: 245 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:33,447 classy and sophisticated. 246 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,950 Welcome to Gut Check with Homer Simpson! 247 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:40,162 Where the truth is served with a side of... in your face. 248 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,877 I am Homer Simpson. 249 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,255 (chickens clucking) 250 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:52,466 America's latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side. 251 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,218 Audio book read by Lenny. 252 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,345 I'm not just another loudmouth. 253 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,724 I'm a loudmouth who says things you're afraid to say, 254 00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:01,976 but not racist things! 255 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,812 Let's go to the map. 256 00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,647 {\an8}Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy. 257 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,733 {\an8}Dateline: Nebraska. 258 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,901 A high school principal has decided 259 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:14,113 that football is too dangerous, 260 00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,158 so he's replacing it with... soccer. 261 00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,245 Are you ready for Irish announcers 262 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,830 with lyrical accents? 263 00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,665 "Oh, that's a lovely touch. 264 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,876 Oh, such a beautiful form." 265 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,545 If we lose football, 266 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,506 we lose the blitz, cheerleaders, 267 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,176 Rudys, Ochocincos, 268 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:38,387 something for fat kids to play. 269 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,139 (sobbing) 270 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,266 Ochocincos. 271 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,477 (sobbing) 272 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,439 Oh, yeah, that's right. 273 00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:49,607 It's already happening, people. 274 00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:52,026 Hoard your toilet paper. 275 00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:53,527 Shoot the mailman! 276 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:56,614 (sobbing) Shoot the mailman. 277 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,116 Is it a little weird how much he cries? 278 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,702 No way. When a guy who loves America cries, 279 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,454 it makes him super straight. 280 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:06,040 This is going so great. 281 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,792 I'm already a Halloween mask! 282 00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:11,671 That's not you. 283 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,631 They just painted Shrek yellow. 284 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,967 It's still a great honor. 285 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,136 Dad, I'm glad your show is successful, 286 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,640 but I have to ask you: what's with the crying? 287 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,266 Great question. 288 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,645 I know you children have never seen your father cry before. 289 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:29,271 Marge, do we have any more gravy? 290 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,648 No, we're out. 291 00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,149 (sobbing) Why? 292 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,818 Oh, why?! 293 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,405 Homie, I'm glad you're passionate, 294 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:40,408 I just hope you're not riling people up with your show. 295 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:42,535 Oh, Marge, don't worry. 296 00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,662 People know I'm doing a character, 297 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:48,082 like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich. 298 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,669 Welcome back to Gut Check. 299 00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:55,464 I have something very, very pro-American to share with you. 300 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,632 Come with me. 301 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,384 D'oh! Death to America! 302 00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,760 I mean, over here. 303 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,971 You all know I'm a big fan of American meat. 304 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:05,766 Although, sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle. 305 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,519 (roars) 306 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:11,063 Take that, centers of art and commerce! 307 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,733 And this country has something extra that makes our meat 308 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,193 the juiciest, most melt-in-your-mouth, 309 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,362 stay-in-your-heart meat in the world. 310 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:22,533 That's right, I'm talking about the gravy of freedom. 311 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,747 When March Madness spills into April, that's the gravy. 312 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,123 When someone messes with you, 313 00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:32,334 and you invade the country that did it plus another one, 314 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,961 that's the gravy. 315 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,213 When you stick your flag in the moon 316 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:41,135 and say "Now we're done trying," that's the gravy! 317 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,471 So get on the boat. 318 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,222 The gravy boat! 319 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:48,476 Good night and good gravy. 320 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,978 Great show, people. Great show. 321 00:12:51,061 --> 00:12:53,773 Um... not a big deal, but next time, 322 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,192 can we use real gravy instead of brown paint? 323 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:57,610 Not a big deal. 324 00:12:57,693 --> 00:13:00,321 So, what's this with the gravy boat? 325 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:02,531 Just an innocuous little symbol, 326 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,576 like a smiley face or like an I.O.U. 327 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:08,579 You know, symbols can often rile people up. 328 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:11,582 The swastika, the New York Yankees logo. 329 00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,918 (laughs) Oh. Don't worry, sweetie. 330 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,545 I think I know how to whip up an audience 331 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,922 just short of a frenzy. 332 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:34,438 (clamoring) 333 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,529 Why did I make this a loss leader? 334 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:47,243 The gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation 335 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,787 like a rumor about some kid and someone's mom 336 00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:51,163 hooking up at a high school. 337 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,082 With the presidential primaries coming up 338 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,917 and an entrenched incumbent in office, 339 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,253 Republican leaders have no choice but to court 340 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:01,549 this movement's inglorious baster, Homer Simpson. 341 00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,467 Marge, I'm going to meet with 342 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,262 the Republican establishment and pick their nominee. 343 00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:09,640 If there's sandwiches there, you want me to bring some back? 344 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,767 Speaking for Lisa and me, 345 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,354 we're not really 110% behind you anymore. 346 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,773 Then what percent above 100 are you behind me? 347 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:18,941 Um, none. 348 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,527 Only 100%?! (groans) 349 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,070 Homie, I love you, 350 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,781 and I'm glad we're finally using our wedding china, 351 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,199 but when you're helping to pick 352 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:29,785 the next leader of the free world... 353 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,078 Dad, you shouldn't do this. 354 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,539 It's not fair how much influence you have. 355 00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:36,208 Now, Lisa, I'm an entertainer. 356 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,461 And you can't entertain and inform at the same time. 357 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,422 And if you're Access Hollywood, you do neither. 358 00:14:41,505 --> 00:14:43,173 (chuckles) 359 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:47,052 {\an8}(thunder rumbles) 360 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,889 Hmm. Hmm. 361 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,932 Now, they're all excellent choices, 362 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,560 so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer 363 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:55,644 and we'll elect him. 364 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,856 I don't know. Can't we get Chris Christie to run? 365 00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:00,608 I don't think so. 366 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,361 (choking) 367 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,906 Save me, ObamaCare! 368 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,575 Yeah, maybe I'll vote Democrat. 369 00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:11,452 The great thing is, when they get in, 370 00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:12,912 they act like Republicans. 371 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:16,582 MAN: No one's voting Democrat while I can still draw a bow. 372 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:18,083 (gasps) 373 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,753 (gasps) 374 00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,922 Ted Nugent. 375 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:26,467 I made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music. 376 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:27,927 You're my man! 377 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,013 You're endorsing Ted Nugent for president? 378 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:34,183 He's a right-wing rock star who likes everything I hate! 379 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,185 Could there be anyone awesomer? 380 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,853 Who's hungry for elk? 381 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,522 (screams) 382 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,941 Hmm. 383 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,276 My daughter's a vegetarian. 384 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,487 That's all right, she can munch on an antler. 385 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:48,530 Antlers ain't meat. 386 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,037 I thought I smelled death-a-diddly. 387 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,580 What is that, an eight-pointer? 388 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,873 From the looks of that mustache, 389 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,583 I'm guessing you're a tenured professor 390 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,418 at the People's Republic of Berkeley. 391 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:04,421 Hey, the only left-wing thing about me is the way I write. 392 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,632 (grunts) Oh, that's just fine, 393 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:09,009 as long as you're not a Mormon. 394 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,762 Dad, you cannot endorse Ted Nugent. 395 00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:13,430 I mean, sure, we all love his music... 396 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,598 -Oh, yeah. -No question about it. 397 00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:15,891 -I love that guy. -We listen to it. 398 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,059 But he's out of his mind! 399 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,769 He can't run for president! 400 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,854 I bagged me a fat little badger. 401 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:23,524 Please, kind sir, have pity. 402 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,193 All I hear is "chitter-chitter." 403 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,447 (snoring) 404 00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,952 (snoring) 405 00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,829 MAN: Arise, Homer Simpson! 406 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,372 Huh? Who's there? 407 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,501 (screams) Mozart! 408 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,795 -I am James Madison, sir. -(screams) 409 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:47,381 Fourth president of these United States. 410 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:48,757 -Ooh. -Now, come, 411 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,884 and I shall teach you of democracy. 412 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,302 Can we get some pizza on the way? 413 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:53,554 Everything's closed. 414 00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,305 They sell some at the gas station. 415 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,891 I don't want gas station pizza. 416 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,645 (whinnies) 417 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,523 So, how come your picture's not on money? 418 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,775 Actually, I'm on the $5,000 bill. 419 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,485 Do you give them out for fans? 420 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,486 'Cause I'm a fan. 421 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:14,116 I want to show you something. 422 00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,202 What's this? 423 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:19,788 Some kind of bicentennial lemon party? 424 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,207 These are the framers of the Constitution, Homer. 425 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,085 This great nation is built upon the hard work of, 426 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,379 well, as you would say, nerds. 427 00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,547 Nerds! 428 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,049 You want I should mess them up? 429 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,301 I want you should not mess! 430 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:35,095 You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders 431 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,889 who forged this mighty nation. 432 00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,974 But gravy is the freedom where... 433 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,560 Silence! Founding Fathers, to me! 434 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,146 (grunting) 435 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,065 (gasps) 436 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:49,568 "Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes"?! 437 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,570 "No new states shall be formed 438 00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,614 "or erected within the jurisdiction 439 00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:56,658 of any other state"?! 440 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,410 No, no, John Hancock. 441 00:17:58,494 --> 00:17:59,745 I don't need insurance. 442 00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:02,748 Sam Adams, I'm sorry I made fun of your winter ale. 443 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:03,791 Homie, wake up. 444 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,667 (gasps) It was all a dream. 445 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,045 Oh, Marge, Oscar Madison came to me 446 00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:11,799 and told me that politics are serious and important! 447 00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:12,800 (yawns) 448 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,051 Lisa, you were right! 449 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,221 I'm not going to endorse anybody for anything. 450 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,473 (kids screaming) 451 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,395 (muffled grunting) 452 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,897 Oh, Dad! 453 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,483 I'm so glad you've heard the voice of reason. 454 00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:32,903 Yes, the will of the people should not be subverted 455 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:35,322 by demagogues who-- hey, what's this? 456 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,825 "Springfield Colonial Village"? 457 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,247 What the...? You faked it! 458 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,499 Lisa, how could you? 459 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,417 It wasn't just her, Homie. 460 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,418 It was all of us. 461 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,587 I did it just to mess with your mind. 462 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,132 That's what a play within a play is for! 463 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:54,633 (choking) 464 00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,177 No strangling on school days! 465 00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,347 Well, if there's one thing I don't like being taught, 466 00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:01,598 it's a lesson! 467 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,642 I'm so mad. 468 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,644 Not only will I endorse Ted Nugent, 469 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:10,190 but I will call for an end to the direct election of senators! 470 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,692 Dad, no! 471 00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:12,860 Really? That made sense? 472 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:14,361 Then I'm definitely doing it. 473 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,867 Folks, because I love democracy so much, 474 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,077 I command you to vote for this man 475 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,872 whom I alone have selected as your next president. 476 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:28,458 Now to baptize his candidacy with my tears. 477 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:32,796 The words "strutting stadium rocker" are overused these days, 478 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,133 but when I first met Ted Nugent... 479 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:37,176 (gasps) 480 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,594 Uh, huh? 481 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,262 My emotions were so powerful. 482 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,890 Come on, hurry up and cry so I can get elected 483 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,809 and open up the San Diego Zoo for big game hunting. 484 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,187 (grunting) 485 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:51,523 It's not working. But why? 486 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,900 Maybe because, deep down, 487 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,152 you know you don't believe in what you're doing. 488 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:56,904 Oh, my God, she's right. 489 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,908 My lips will say anything, but my eyes know the truth! 490 00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:03,285 My ears are keeping their mouth shut. 491 00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:10,751 My fellow Americans, I am full of crap. 492 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:12,628 I knew you were, Dad. 493 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,421 (sobbing) 494 00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,298 I always knew! 495 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,091 (sobbing) 496 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:22,221 Well, for one brief, glorious moment, I was almost president, 497 00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:23,430 sort of, not really. 498 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:26,350 Now, let me just play a sweet song that I'll never hear. 499 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,477 ♪ Hail to me ♪ 500 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,270 ♪ I'm the presidential gonzo ♪ 501 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,398 ♪ Hunt with a bow 'cause it's silent like the night ♪ 502 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,818 ♪ Eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul ♪ 503 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:41,240 ♪ I'll move the White House to Kalamazoo ♪ 504 00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:51,291 {\an8}TED: ♪ There is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land ♪ 505 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,835 {\an8}♪ And it was written by me ♪ 506 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:57,965 {\an8}♪ And it popped into my head while I was washing my dog ♪ 507 00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:00,717 {\an8}♪ Suck on that, Francis Scott Key ♪ 508 00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:05,055 {\an8}♪ Oh, I got a good song fever ♪ 509 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:07,349 {\an8}-♪ Ted Nugent fever ♪ -HOMER: ♪ Something, something fever ♪ 510 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,600 {\an8}TED: Sing it, Homer! 511 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:11,603 {\an8}HOMER: ♪ I got this song fever ♪ 512 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:15,315 {\an8}TED / HOMER: ♪ We got America fever ♪ 513 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:17,567 {\an8}♪ We got America fever ♪ 514 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:21,196 {\an8}-TED: ♪ U.S. of A! ♪ -HOMER: ♪ U.S. of A. ♪ 515 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,782 {\an8}HOMER: Great song, Ted! 516 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:27,077 {\an8}When's our next gig? Are we going to New York or...? 517 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,204 {\an8}-Shh! -HOMER: Oh... 518 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:35,002 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay