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00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,339
CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,595
Ah!
3
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(school bell ringing)
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(Barney belches)
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(whistle blows)
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(yells)
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(beeping)
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(playing the blues)
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(playing the blues)
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(tires screeching)
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D'oh!
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(tires screech)
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(grunts)
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-Hello, boy.
-Why, you...!
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(grunting and groaning)
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(Homer laughs)
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That is disgusting!
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Hang on. Here's a spot
that still looks good.
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(panting)
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So, do we have a winner?
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{\an8}HOMER: Hmm...
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{\an8}Not ugly enough.
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{\an8}I want something
that looks like this...
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{\an8}BART:
Ay, caramba!
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{\an8}...had a baby with this,
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{\an8}and it got sat on by this.
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{\an8}I think I've come up
with the answer.
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{\an8}Oh... my... God!
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(sweetly): You never fail
to nauseate me, boy.
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(laughs)
Just call me "Barf Simpson."
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I wanted to,
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but your mother said
kids might tease you.
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(chuckling)
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Half an hour to showtime,
your ugliness.
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Dad, do you realize
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00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,490
we've put more time
into this
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00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,742
than all my schoolwork
combined?
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00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,453
But if we win this,
we get a gift certificate.
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For what?
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(chuckles)
It doesn't matter.
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(thumping)
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(Marge humming)
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{\an8}How ya doin'?
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{\an8}I need a diaper
for my chimp
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{\an8}that won't upset
my tiger's stomach
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{\an8}if he eats the chimp.
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{\an8}Fear not.
Our chimp diapers have
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{\an8}that nutty cinnamon taste
tigers love.
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{\an8}(chatters)
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{\an8}Mmm!
It's a great time to be a tiger.
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(kids laughing)
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00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,574
{\an8}Mr. Flanders,
how did you make
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00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:38,867
{\an8}these amazing fish?
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{\an8}(chuckles) Actually,
God made some fish
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{\an8}that were pretty
close to these,
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00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,290
{\an8}so naturally we selected those
for further breeding.
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{\an8}So that natural selection was
the origin of this species?
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{\an8}Yup, that's exactly...
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00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,255
{\an8}Whoa-oa-oa!
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You almost got me.
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(gasping)
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Not on my watch!
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(Marge humming)
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(grunting)
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{\an8}(Moe humming)
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{\an8}This seat taken?
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{\an8}Uh, yes,
I'm saving it for...
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{\an8}this soy sauce packet.
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Aw, man, you know
you're a loser
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when they don't even work hard
on the excuse.
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I'll just sit here, then.
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Thanks a lot, everyone.
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Choke on yourselves.
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Ah, here we go.
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Oh, no, you don't.
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{\an8}(grumbling)
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(panting)
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Whoa, that one's so ugly,
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{\an8}it reminds me
of my ex-wife! Hah!
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{\an8}(laughs feebly)
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That one reminds me
of her lawyer.
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Congress...
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elderly drivers...
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commercials...
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Bella Abzug...
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Hey, clown, we've heard
your stand-up!
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00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,534
{\an8}Now how about
some shut-up!
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{\an8}(all laughing)
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00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,288
Everybody's a comedian.
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{\an8}Except you!
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{\an8}(all laughing)
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00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,961
{\an8}Well, why don't you come up
here and try to entertain 'em?
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-Do it, Moe!
-Come on, Moe!
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00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,713
Entertain us!
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00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,507
Well, I guess
I could. Uh...
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{\an8}At least
I'd get a chair.
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Check it out.
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Two train wrecks
connected
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by a strip of leather.
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(all laugh)
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I don't wanna say it's ugly,
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but PETA called and said
we should kill this one.
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(all laugh)
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{\an8}And now, owned by one
of the ugliest families
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{\an8}in Springfield...
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{\an8}Satan's Little Helper!
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(all gasp)
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Oh! Whoa!
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Even the Koreans
wouldn't touch this dog!
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(all laugh)
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{\an8}(whines)
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We have a winner!
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(all cheer)
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{\an8}-Oh...
-(smooches)
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00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,013
{\an8}Ooh, everyone's coming over
to congratulate us!
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{\an8}Humble faces, kids!
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{\an8}Humbler!
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{\an8}Lisa, too humble.
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{\an8}(people clamoring)
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{\an8}Hmm?!
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{\an8}You're hilarious!
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{\an8}Judge my baby!
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{\an8}Say something cruel
about me!
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{\an8}Would you do
my kid's birthday party?
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{\an8}ALL (chanting):
Moe! Moe! Moe!
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{\an8}Wow, they love me for my bile.
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{\an8}And I got a spleenful!
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00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,618
{\an8}Hel-lo!
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No, no, no, I don't need your
fair-weather friendship...
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(dejected purr)
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...is what I'll say
tomorrow morning! (chuckles)
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CARL: Man, you sure saved
that dog show.
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Moe, you were hilarious.
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00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,930
Ah, I was just doin'
what comes naturally to me;
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being mean to animals.
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00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,977
Uh, excuse me, sir.
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I was wondering
if you would judge
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an outrageous beard contest
I'm in tonight.
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00:05:57,815 --> 00:05:59,567
Well, uh, anyone can get
a laugh
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at the expense
of an ugly dog.
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00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,445
But crazy beards?
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00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,988
That's where
the big boys play.
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00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,573
-You got
the gift, baby!
-Come on, Moe.
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00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,700
Can you make it sound
like girls askin' me?
145
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:10,578
-Oh, Moe,
please do it! Oh!
-Please? Moe, please?
146
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:13,414
(chuckles) Okay, you crazy
dames, I'll do it!
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(all giggling girlishly)
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00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,710
Which means this joint is closed
for the night.
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00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,212
-Don't be that way!
-You kidding me?
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00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,588
You can't close!
151
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,632
I'll have to go home
and drink better beer
152
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at half the price
in natural lighting!
153
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,263
(sighs) I didn't want
to have to do this.
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(all shrieking)
155
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Yeah, that's right!
Scatter, ya cockroaches!
156
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,939
Mr. Szyslak, would you like
to buy some band candy?
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00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,732
That doesn't work
on me.
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00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:40,817
Oh, yeah?
159
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,778
How 'bout this
scary face?! (shrieking)
160
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I can see that down deep is
a decent man.
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00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,742
(sighs) Fine.
162
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:56,833
You're home early!
163
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,543
Oh, can't a guy rush home
from work
164
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to see his beautiful...
165
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:00,962
Moe's is closed, huh?
166
00:07:01,045 --> 00:07:02,171
Yeah.
167
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,257
Now what
am I supposed to do?
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00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,967
We can enjoy each
others' company.
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00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:06,926
Okay.
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00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:09,887
(both sighing)
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00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,931
Still wanna be
at Moe's?
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00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,851
She's right, Homer.
You're happier there.
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00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,644
Mr. Szyslak, you want
to buy some band candy?
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00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,981
Even in the thought bubble,
I gotta buy band candy?
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00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,276
Looks like you ate
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00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,611
a Rastafarian, and he's
comin' back up on ya!
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00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,613
(all laughing)
178
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,698
Now looky here.
179
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I'm no judge of talent,
180
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,410
but I am a judge
of judging.
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00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:33,619
And in my judge
judgment,
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you have a talent
for judging talent.
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00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,207
You talk like my ass plays
harmonica.
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00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,793
(laughs)
You should share
185
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,463
your hilarious hate
with everyone!
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00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,549
♪ Why can't you be nicer
to me? ♪
187
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♪ My pride is dying ♪
188
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,810
♪ I think I'm all done
lying, oh... ♪
189
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,404
(gasps)
190
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,822
I didn't see you come in.
191
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,240
Well, since Moe's is
closed again,
192
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,159
I thought I'd help
you cook dinner.
193
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:14,744
Well, I don't need
much help,
194
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:17,997
but you can keep me company.
195
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:19,999
(shrieks)
196
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,000
You know what?
197
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,127
I'll just cook this later.
198
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,422
(shrieks)
199
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,924
What are we watching?
200
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,926
Uh, I'm gonna go
read a book.
201
00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:34,805
MARGE:
Huh?
202
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,767
After the title page,
it's Bob Dole's memoirs.
203
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,436
This is terrible!
204
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,980
I've seen better stitching on
a baseball glove!
205
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,857
Can I have another corpse?
206
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,526
They weren't corpses.
207
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,944
Uh-oh.
208
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:52,448
Moe Szyslak?
209
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,575
I'm from U.C.A.A.,
the Uncreative Artists Agency.
210
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,953
We represent some
of the biggest stars on TV.
211
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,621
TV, huh?
That crap still on?
212
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,581
Yes, sir. Never been crappier.
213
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,625
Listen, Moe,
reality shows are
looking for judges,
214
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,793
and you're that
mythical creature
215
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,586
we thought we would
never find:
216
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,505
you're mean, you're funny
and you're not British!
217
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:09,173
I am so not British.
218
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,676
Don't let this pasty face
and bad teeth fool ya.
219
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,718
Perfect!
220
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,220
So, what kind of reality shows
221
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,429
are we talkin' about here?
222
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,847
Well, to name
just a few:
223
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,891
America's Ripest Bananas,
So You Think You Can Judge,
224
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,185
Who Wants to be a Welder?
Poodle Versus Elephant...
225
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,938
Leg Swap, Old People Try
to Figure Out Computers,
226
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,856
American Idol,
Dancing With Cars of the Stars,
227
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,442
America's Drunkest Nobody,
Let's Make a Veal...
228
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:29,318
Love that show.
229
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,611
Somali Pirate Apprentice.
230
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,071
Right, yeah,
with those guys.
231
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,030
Fix Andy Dick.
232
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,323
It's about time.
233
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,992
Bottom Chef,
My Life On Kathy Griffin,
234
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,494
Pimp My Crypt, Are You Fatter
Than a Fifth Grader?
235
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,246
and Grave Robbers
of Orange County.
236
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:41,998
Geez, that's, uh,
quite a list.
237
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,541
Hang on.
I'm getting a text.
238
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:44,625
Ooh, those were all
just canceled,
239
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,918
except for American Idol.
240
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,295
Did you just say
"Armenian Idol"?
241
00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,337
'Cause that's my favorite show!
242
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,172
No, no, no, no, no,
American Idol.
243
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,299
Oh, yeah.
244
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,925
Who's their Egor Glumov?
245
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:53,968
Randy Jackson.
246
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:55,469
Ah, good enough.
247
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,856
Uh, hey, driver,
could you put on a song
248
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,733
about California
or Los Angeles?
249
00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,234
Ah, they all suck.
250
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,194
But here's a great one
about Alabama!
251
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:17,491
♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪
252
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:21,704
♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪
253
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:26,626
♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪
254
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:30,004
♪ Lord, I'm coming home
to you. ♪
255
00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,055
Now that I have
all this free time,
256
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,973
I thought I would do you
a huge favor.
257
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,224
That's nice.
258
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,434
What kind of favor?
259
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:45,519
I organized
the kitchen.
260
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,439
I labeled everything
with a label maker...
261
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:53,152
and I mixed all the spices
together into one super spice!
262
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,154
(meows)
263
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,364
(gasps)
264
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,490
(labored breathing)
265
00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,159
Oh-oh, what kind
of ventilating is that?
266
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,994
Hyper!
267
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,165
(fans cheering)
268
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,166
(player grunts)
269
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:08,918
(siren wails)
270
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,252
Wow, Marge,
271
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,214
I can't believe you're
taking me to a sports bar.
272
00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:17,218
Well, it's been such a blessing
having you around the house.
273
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,179
Making my life easier,
as you so put it.
274
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,473
So I thought you
deserved a reward.
275
00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,058
(tires screech)
276
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,018
(fans cheering)
277
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,229
-(laughing)
-(zapping, groans)
278
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,983
Watching hockey.
279
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,027
Watching them
pass that puck.
280
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,195
Oh, yeah.
281
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,114
Lacrosse, idiot.
282
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,991
Hey, man, can you
settle a bet?
283
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,993
What was the
greatest XFL team
284
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,995
that never won
a championship?
285
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,957
Uh, the Long Island
Iced Teas?
286
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,167
I think you want the gay bar
across the street.
287
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,171
(house music playing)
288
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:57,842
As an eight-year-old girl
in 21st-century America,
289
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,970
I know how it is to feel
insecure about your looks.
290
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,639
But you've got so much
going for you.
291
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,850
I'd kill for your
sense of smell.
292
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,518
You have a nice firm handshake.
293
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:11,313
And when you wag your tail,
it really lights up a room.
294
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,274
Now let's scoot together.
295
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,575
Wow, I can't believe I'm here.
296
00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:25,119
The place where magic is made.
297
00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,871
(chuckles)
298
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:29,373
I really appreciate you
showing me around, Simon.
299
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,167
Always happy to
help the newbies.
300
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:32,251
And how do you like L.A.?
301
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,878
Oh, it's a helluva city.
302
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,838
It's like somebody
stepped on New York
303
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:37,339
and scraped it off
on the beach.
304
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,174
Clever.
305
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,300
Slightly nasty.
306
00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:40,468
Very impressive.
307
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,428
You know, I don't say
this often, Moe,
308
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,638
but I actually think you're
quite good at this.
309
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,890
(chuckles)
310
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,726
Oh, well... Oh, nuts.
311
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,102
Here come the paparazzi.
312
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,482
Hey. Ah. Ugh. Oh.
313
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,783
Homie, I thought you
were at that sports bar.
314
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,952
Well, that place was for
die-hard sports fans.
315
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,454
Not guys like me, who are
316
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,831
only fans when their team
makes the play offs.
317
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:14,251
So I decided to take
apart the washing machine
318
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,587
to see where that penny
I left in my pants went.
319
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,715
Well, I am glad you're
spending more time with us,
320
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,343
but maybe you should get a
plumber to help you with that.
321
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,136
Oh, those guys
are all crooks.
322
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,764
They charge you for
parts and labor?
323
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:27,973
Pick one, buddy.
324
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,643
I can do this
just fine by myself.
325
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,394
(grunts)
326
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,854
Don't worry, I got it.
327
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,148
(grunting)
328
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:40,653
(sighs)
329
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,447
(mutters)
330
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,743
Sure is hell to have
your husband around all
the time, ain't it?
331
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,663
At least in hell,
the heat still works.
332
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:55,000
Well, I do know something
that could occupy his time.
333
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,627
A lot of his time.
334
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:59,630
Seen it work with plenty
of men my age.
335
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,842
Only thing is,
you may not get him back.
336
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:03,926
What is it?
337
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,803
(ominous voice):
Golf.
338
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,138
(muffled grunting)
339
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,432
Hey there, neighbor.
340
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,184
You look as puffed up
as a peacock in a...
341
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,729
(shouting)
342
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,275
Golf it is.
343
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,818
Golf what is?
344
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,322
Uh, you wanted
to see me, Simon?
345
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:26,740
Moe, as you know,
346
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,034
over the past few days I've
grown rather fond of you.
347
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,787
I can't believe you gave
me your home phone number.
348
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,205
That's not my home number.
349
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,624
That's my assistant's
work number.
350
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,127
Now, Moe, I want to give you
a friendly warning--
351
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,170
don't do what I did.
352
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,339
Don't become the mean judge.
353
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,425
But it's brought you everything
a man could want.
354
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,635
Uh, I bet you throw out
your paper plates
355
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,637
instead of reusing them
till the food drops through.
356
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,514
That's true. Everything
you said is true.
357
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,515
But there's a cost.
358
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,766
I'm lonely, Moe.
359
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,602
No one dares to be my friend,
360
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,145
for fear I'll say
something nasty.
361
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,314
But what we do is just
kiddin' around, right?
362
00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,815
People know that.
363
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,025
Do they?
364
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,651
They've been preparing
a bio of you,
365
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,194
with interviews of
people you've judged.
366
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,404
Let's have a look.
367
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,281
He's the meanest
man in town.
368
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,657
Nasty.
369
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,867
Uncouth.
370
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,702
ALL:
We hate you.
371
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,078
So does Stu.
372
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,998
Edit that so it
rhymes with something.
373
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:20,419
He's a... (bleeps)
374
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,880
Wow, I can't believe
this, Simon.
375
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,131
Simon?
376
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,674
Huh.
377
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,177
Was he really here, or was it
just my imagination?
378
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,011
I'm here.
379
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,430
My black tee shirt makes me
blend into the shadows.
380
00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,140
I'm here, I'm gone.
381
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:36,268
I'm here, I'm gone.
I'm here, I'm gone.
382
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,104
-I'm here.
-I get it. I get it.
That-That's your thing.
383
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:49,698
♪ Happy birthday to... ♪
384
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,034
(high note):
♪ You! ♪
385
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,037
(cheering and applause)
386
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,747
This is it, Moe--
387
00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,209
America's going to learn
just what sort of man you are.
388
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,045
Okay, Randy, what'd you
think of that performance?
389
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:04,713
A'ight, a'ight, you know what?
390
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,298
I was feelin' that, dawg.
391
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,508
"Happy" was very cool, right?
392
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,343
But "birth" was definitely
a little pitchy.
393
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:12,096
But I gotta tell you something,
you worked it out on "day," man.
394
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:15,349
And then when you hit that "to
you", dude, that was the bomb.
395
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:17,226
You blew out
all the candles, baby.
396
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,728
If you think that
answer was a yes,
397
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,855
{\an8}text the number at
the bottom of the screen.
398
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,899
{\an8}Giant secret charges
may apply. Kara?
399
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,151
I have to admit, I didn't think
you could come back
400
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,362
from last week, when your
version of "Brown Sugar"
401
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:30,406
made Mick Jagger
retire from singing forever.
402
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,032
But you rocked it.
403
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,159
Ellen, what's your
"ramble" on this?
404
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,995
Ryan, I don't ramble anymore.
405
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,872
Although I do love that
song "Ramblin' Man" by
The Allman Brothers.
406
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,708
I used to think that they were
"The Almond Brothers,"
407
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,334
which was cool,
because I love nuts.
408
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,169
Except for filberts,
which is weird
409
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:45,587
because I love Dilbert--
410
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,464
'cause when you're stuck
working in a cubicle,
411
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:49,800
sometimes you just gotta dance.
412
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,803
(cheering)
413
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:02,229
Now let's hear from
the new guy, Moe Szyslak.
414
00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:04,732
(crowd murmuring)
415
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,900
Uh... Well, let's
see here, um....
416
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,448
Don't become the mean judge.
417
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,950
Mr. Cowell, would you
like some band candy?
418
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,035
Security.
419
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,998
Uh, I'm afraid
420
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,125
you're wasting your
time on this stage.
421
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,753
(laughing and hooting)
422
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,422
...because you should be
on Broadway
423
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,257
chargin' a hundred
bucks a ticket.
424
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,675
You're a natural talent.
425
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:32,968
(giggles)
426
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,553
I'm gettin' a
little emotional here,
427
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:37,056
because your voice, it opened
up a little part of me
428
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,267
that I thought was closed
to truth and beauty forever.
429
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,478
If there's a God,
I just hope that right now
430
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,564
he's votin' your name
on that 8-8-8 line.
431
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,024
(voice breaking):
It was, it was really beautiful.
432
00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:49,485
Really. Thank you.
433
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,987
Okay, that's four thumbs up.
434
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,698
And finally, because this
show now has more judges
435
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,409
than the Supreme Court...
Simon, what do you say?
436
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,703
Well, that was a truly a
remarkable version of
"Happy Birthday."
437
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,205
Because when it was done,
438
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:04,291
I actually felt like I had
lost a year of my life.
439
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,210
(audience laughing and hooting)
440
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:10,464
But even more objectionable
were Moe's insipid comments,
441
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,758
a desperate plea
for affection,
442
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,928
which fell as flat as
the hair on my head.
443
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,556
(laughter)
444
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,641
Why are you raggin' on me?
445
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,518
I'm just doin'
what you said.
446
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:23,894
Hmm. Let me think.
447
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,271
Why would I try to
sabotage a new judge
448
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:29,233
who just might do what I
do for $48 million less?
449
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,317
Hey, hey, hey.
450
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,819
I've been double-crossed here.
451
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,737
You're pretty smart huh, Simon?
452
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:36,657
Let's see how smart you are with
your voice box hangin' out.
453
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:37,699
(grunts)
454
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,409
Label to camera.
Label to camera.
455
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,411
What? Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
456
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,664
Die, ya bastard.
457
00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:47,376
Tees, scorecard,
stubby little pencil.
458
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,502
You're all set.
459
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,295
Have fun, Homie.
460
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,588
Looks like Jimmy's
461
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,549
starting him off
with a three iron.
462
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,968
My first shot was
with a three iron.
463
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,678
One shot, and I was
hooked for life.
464
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,055
Barely saw my family again.
465
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,559
Birthdays, anniversaries,
I missed 'em all.
466
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:08,021
I'm missing my daughter's
wedding right now.
467
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,649
Sweet guy, I'm told.
468
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:11,942
One shot.
469
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,194
Hooked for life.
470
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:17,865
(shrieks)
471
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,449
Huh?!
472
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,952
Marge, you ruined my shot.
473
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:25,164
You can take another,
in 40 years.
474
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,377
That was awesome.
475
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,046
I feel like the
Tiger Woods of sex.
476
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,632
In the mood for
another round?
477
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,260
(giggling)
478
00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:41,763
I didn't rip out
his voice box,
479
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,016
but I did stretch out
his tee shirt.
480
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,852
Then they said I ain't allowed
back in California no more
481
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:49,313
and I can no longer make
judgments about nothin'.
482
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:52,649
Hey, Moe, am I
okay to drive?
483
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,151
Legally, I can't say.
484
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,737
To a drunk man,
that's a yes.
485
00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,868
(imitating car engine)
486
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,036
Beep, beep.
487
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,412
He seems fine.
488
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:06,830
There is one bright side:
489
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,333
I'm also forbidden
from ever watching Fox.
490
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,251
You can't even show it
in the bar?
491
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,296
That's right, and business
has never been better.
492
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:17,841
(patrons clamoring)
493
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,470
Oh, hey, how's it
goin' there, Mr. Murdoch?
494
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,431
Never mind me-- put on
The Jay Leno Show.
495
00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:26,058
Have you seen this?
496
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,602
The president says
Iran has gotten ahold
497
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,479
of the most dangerous weapon
known to man:
498
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,813
The BP oil rig.
499
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:32,981
That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.
500
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,942
But I know how to make
that leak disappear:
501
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,151
put it on NBC.
502
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,237
(laughing)
503
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,662
(theme song playing)
504
00:21:24,157 --> 00:21:26,159
(laughing)
505
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,290
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem