1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,297
<i>CHORUS SINGS:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,846
(grunts)

3
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,185
(school bell ringing)

4
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:22,313
(belches)

5
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:24,399
(whistle blows)

6
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:25,483
(yells)

7
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:32,365
(beeping)

8
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:43,960
(playing the blues)

9
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:48,423
Meh.

10
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:52,177
Ooh.

11
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,928
(gunfire)

12
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:55,722
(tires screeching)

13
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:00,894
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)

14
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,774
D'oh!

15
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:06,733
(tires screeching)

16
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,443
(grunts)

17
00:01:08,526 --> 00:01:12,072
(stately music plays)

18
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,532
ALL:
Mmm.

19
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,660
(chomping and slurping)

20
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,263
{\an8}Dad, how can you call
it a ski weekend

21
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,265
{\an8}if we're going home
at dawn on Sunday?

22
00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,184
{\an8}Got to leave early
to beat the traffic.

23
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,353
{\an8}Now, to get
on Route 205,

24
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,438
{\an8}and it's a straight
shot home.

25
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,815
{\an8}(chuckles)

26
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,275
{\an8}HOMER:
Oh, for crying out...!

27
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,194
{\an8}(grunting angrily)

28
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:54,405
{\an8}I hate traffic--
the band and the phenomenon.

29
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,032
{\an8}Well, there's only one game

30
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,242
{\an8}we can play in the car
over and over

31
00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,036
{\an8}and over again: Bonk It.

32
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,038
{\an8}Oh, I'm sorry, kids.

33
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,998
{\an8}We lost the batteries for that.

34
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,251
{\an8}(chuckling)

35
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,169
{\an8}No problem. A couple
just rolled out

36
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,255
{\an8}-from behind your seat.
-(groans)

37
00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,006
{\an8}<i>COMPUTERIZED VOICE:</i>
<i>Bonk it. Twist it.</i>

38
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,133
{\an8}<i>Smack it. Thwack it.</i>

39
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:15,218
{\an8}<i>Whack it. Bonk it. Bop it.</i>

40
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,512
{\an8}<i>-Thwack it. Twist it. Bop it.</i>
-(Marge and Homer sigh)

41
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:18,429
{\an8}<i>Smack it. Whack it.</i>

42
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,806
{\an8}<i>Thwack it. Bonk it.</i>

43
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,182
{\an8}<i>Twist it. Smack it.</i>

44
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,600
{\an8}<i>Bonk it. Twist it. Smack it.</i>

45
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,478
{\an8}<i>Thwack it. Whack it. Bonk it.</i>
<i>Twist it. Smack it.</i>

46
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:26,855
{\an8}<i>Thwack it. Whack it. Bonk it.</i>

47
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,398
{\an8}<i>Twist it. Smack it.</i>

48
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,108
{\an8}<i>Thwack it. Whack it. Bonk it.</i>

49
00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:31,568
{\an8}I can't take it anymore!

50
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,695
{\an8}<i>Whack it. Thwack...</i>

51
00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,363
{\an8}<i>Bonk it. Twist it.</i>

52
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:38,158
{\an8}I can't take
it anymore!

53
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,160
{\an8}-(gasps)
-(gasps)

54
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,578
{\an8}<i>Bonk it. Twist it. Smack it.</i>

55
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,663
{\an8}<i>-Bonk it. Whack it. Twist it.</i>
-D'oh!

56
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,081
{\an8}<i>(slowed down):</i>
<i>Twist it.</i>

57
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}<i>Smack it.</i>

58
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:48,668
{\an8}Oh, darn.

59
00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:50,170
{\an8}The batteries
are dead.

60
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,671
{\an8}Not to worry--
it plugs

61
00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:53,047
{\an8}into the cigarette lighter.

62
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,841
{\an8}<i>Bonk-bonk-bonk it.</i>
<i>Twist it. Smack it. Thwack it.</i>

63
00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:56,134
{\an8}<i>Whack it. Bonk it. Bop it.</i>

64
00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:57,177
{\an8}Hey, kids, it's
Daddy's turn.

65
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,261
{\an8}Bonk it. Bop it. Twist it.

66
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,762
{\an8}<i>Smack it. Thwack it. Whack it.</i>

67
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,181
{\an8}Stomp it! Crush it! Kill it!

68
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,140
{\an8}<i>(slowed down):</i>
<i>Bonk it.</i>

69
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:05,143
{\an8}<i>Bonk... it.</i>

70
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,979
{\an8}Finally, some
peace and quiet.

71
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,689
{\an8}(horn honks, Marge gasps)

72
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:11,357
{\an8}(stammering)

73
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,985
{\an8}Oh, why do my actions
have consequences?

74
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,236
{\an8}(grunting)

75
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,197
{\an8}(tires screeching)

76
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,532
{\an8}(screaming)

77
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:22,744
{\an8}(screaming)

78
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:31,502
{\an8}(thud)

79
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,671
{\an8}(creaking)

80
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,218
{\an8}Now, kids, we're about
to get really cold,

81
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,471
{\an8}then really warm.

82
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:42,388
{\an8}(moans)

83
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,023
{\an8}HOMER (groggily):
Bonk it. Twist it. Smack it.

84
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:59,155
{\an8}(moaning)

85
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,782
{\an8}Drink up, sweetie.

86
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,533
{\an8}Let the possum work its magic.

87
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,702
{\an8}(gags)
Possum?!

88
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,371
{\an8}Oh, don't worry,
we don't kill it.

89
00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:08,039
{\an8}We just dip it.

90
00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,624
{\an8}(frightened chattering)

91
00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,167
{\an8}What happened?

92
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,043
{\an8}What happened is,

93
00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:13,878
{\an8}I saved your life.

94
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,630
{\an8}Now, you's had a rough day.

95
00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:18,216
{\an8}Why don't you have
a pull on this?

96
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,843
{\an8}Where's the hooch?

97
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,929
{\an8}Oh, excuse my faux pas.

98
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,265
{\an8}That jug was fo' Pa.

99
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,475
{\an8}(snoring)

100
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:28,893
{\an8}Come on, now.

101
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,062
{\an8}We'll go on back
to the still.

102
00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:33,940
{\an8}And in case we run
into trouble...

103
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,441
{\an8}(sighs)
Oh, Brandine!

104
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,568
{\an8}Where is the bazook?

105
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,195
{\an8}(chuckles)

106
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,990
{\an8}Oh, he's gonna shoot
those Google Earth folks

107
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,826
{\an8}what caught me
with my breeches down.

108
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:48,746
{\an8}This here's my pride and joy:
'Ol Betsy.

109
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:52,041
{\an8}A female that gives birth
to alcohol.

110
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,919
{\an8}CLETUS:
Now, gentlemen, let us toast

111
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,505
{\an8}our new friend's escape
from death's icy grip

112
00:04:57,588 --> 00:05:00,341
{\an8}with my latest batch
of whoopee water.

113
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:03,303
(excited whoops and hollers)

114
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:05,555
So, what y'all think?

115
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,974
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good.

116
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:09,267
(chuckles)

117
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,978
It angrys up my fists!

118
00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:14,897
I just remembered my feud
with this here tree!

119
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,942
Get her done. Get her done.

120
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,404
What's your take,
city boy?

121
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,114
Well, uh...

122
00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:27,410
it's got a rich mash base
and a sense of danger.

123
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,830
And I detect notes
of elderberry, tobacco, oak--

124
00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:33,041
no, poison oak--

125
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,792
and hints of game.

126
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,669
(impressed murmuring)

127
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,463
That is amazing!

128
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,174
You have the eloquence
and urgency

129
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:44,469
of a census worker
caught in a bear trap.

130
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:47,013
We's gonna invite you
to all our soirees,

131
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:48,681
mixers and drink-'em-ups.

132
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,308
(cheering)

133
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:53,019
Now let's enjoy
the bluegrass stylings

134
00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:55,104
of the Country Bear Jamboree.

135
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,398
(growling, clanging)

136
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,741
(Homer laughing)

137
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:10,161
So, you guys have
any video games?

138
00:06:10,244 --> 00:06:11,829
Nope, but my mama
brought some

139
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:14,791
of these boom potatoes
back from Iraq.

140
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:25,093
(booming)

141
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,387
Set 'em up again.

142
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,016
So, I'll hide,
and you guys

143
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,851
count to 100.

144
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,395
-One.
-Two.

145
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:36,729
Backwards "E".

146
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:37,730
One-legged triangle.

147
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:38,815
Banana hot dog.

148
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,233
Double banana hot dog.

149
00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:42,026
60 corncob two.

150
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,697
(giggles)
This is the best hiding place.

151
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,033
They'll never find me.

152
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,037
I'm here.

153
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,080
Come find me.

154
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,748
Olly olly oxen free.

155
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,167
Olly olly oxen free!

156
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,920
(whimpers)

157
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:04,048
Why did I do Poetry Club
instead of Girl Scouts?

158
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,884
Why did I do Poetry Club instead
of Girl Scouts?

159
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,595
FEMALE VOICES:
Dark is she,
but brilliant.

160
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:13,724
Black are her wings--
black on black.

161
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,269
She is Lilith,

162
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:20,064
who leadeth forth the hordes
of the Abyss.

163
00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:28,823
(chuckles nervously)

164
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:31,284
You are going to
be so embarrassed.

165
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,327
There are two other
people at this party

166
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,829
dressed just like you.

167
00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:36,205
(chuckles nervously)

168
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,128
(whimpering)

169
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:43,254
State thy business.

170
00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:45,214
My name's Lisa,
and I was playing hide-and-seek

171
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,883
when I met you ladies.
(chuckles nervously)

172
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,134
Please don't hurt me.

173
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:50,011
We're not going
to hurt you.

174
00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:52,305
-But we don't like outsiders
observing our esbat.
-Uh-huh.

175
00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:53,890
What's an esbat?

176
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,059
An ancient ritual
in celebration of the full moon.

177
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:57,894
We're Wiccans.

178
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,145
You mean witches?

179
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:00,563
Technically...

180
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,356
but we're not
into broomsticks

181
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:03,983
or pointy hats.

182
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,152
Well, I'm glad
you're not witches.

183
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:09,197
Wouldn't want you
to cast a spell on me.

184
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,157
Oh, we cast spells.

185
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,867
And they work.

186
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:14,577
Sure, they do.

187
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,954
If magic was real,
I'd use it to get out

188
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,832
of my pipe cleaner art project
that's due tomorrow.

189
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,252
You should keep
an open mind.

190
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,921
Things said in the circle

191
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,714
have a surprising way
of coming true.

192
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:29,175
HOMER:
Lisa. Lisa!

193
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:32,094
Dad, over here!

194
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,513
Come, sisters
of the elements.

195
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,932
Let us leave this place
in a manner most Wiccan.

196
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,433
What are you
talking about?

197
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,352
Text your mom
to pick us up.

198
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,606
Oh, sweetie,
I found you.

199
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,441
Now, who's going
to find us?

200
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,610
Help!

201
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:51,989
Uh-oh.

202
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,162
(ticking)

203
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,499
I have one minute to avoid
my first late assignment ever.

204
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:02,959
(frustrated grunting)

205
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:06,003
The pipe cleaner fur
is coming off on my hands.

206
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,552
Class, Miss Hoover
will not be in today,

207
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,720
so you all get A's

208
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,430
on your pipe cleaner
sculptures.

209
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:17,765
(students cheering)

210
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:19,350
-Ha ha!
-Yes!

211
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,019
What happened to Miss Hoover?

212
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,313
Came down with a spell
of stomach flu.

213
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,982
Spell? Those girls couldn't

214
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:28,192
have made her sick...
or could they?

215
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:31,445
Maybe we'll pass the time
with another craft project.

216
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,905
I'll let one of you pick.

217
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,407
Uh... Lisa.

218
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,158
Which craft?

219
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,076
(gasps)

220
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,828
Which craft?

221
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:39,829
(gasps)

222
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:42,164
Which craft?!

223
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,458
(sighs)

224
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,627
CLETUS:
This here country is home

225
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,297
to over 300
family-owned stills.

226
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:52,133
None of them big
corporate moonshiners,

227
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,010
like Crazy-Think
White Lightning

228
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:57,179
or Dwayne Saggery's
Demento Juice.

229
00:09:57,263 --> 00:10:00,891
So, let's go taste some
independent hooch!

230
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,060
♪♪

231
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:19,952
♪♪

232
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,630
Hey, thanks for bringing us
down here, Homer.

233
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,381
Yeah. There's
something wonderful

234
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,883
about being
drunk outdoors.

235
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,885
I wonder if
Moe misses us.

236
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,136
MOE:
No, I don't miss you.

237
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:40,139
Now, get back to my bar
for happy hour,

238
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,933
or I'll paint the snow pink
with your brains.

239
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,770
(guns cocking)

240
00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:49,148
Drop your fire sticks,
man possum.

241
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,359
Oh, uh, so, uh... so I guess
this means you hillbillies

242
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,110
are going to have your way
with me, huh?

243
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:54,862
Oh, for God's sake.

244
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,864
You know, one hillbilly
has his way

245
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:59,075
with one fat guy
in <i>Deliverance,</i>

246
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:02,119
and suddenly, people think
that's all hillbillies do.

247
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,748
I suppose you think all space
is <i>Star Wars.</i>

248
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,833
No, I... I thought we had
a connection here,

249
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,086
and we're out in the woods
and everything, and...

250
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,673
Hey, forget it!
I...I ain't gonna beg for it.

251
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:16,133
You'll never know
what you missed out on.

252
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:17,051
(horse neighs)

253
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:22,306
(cat meows)

254
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,559
Did you girls make
Miss Hoover sick?

255
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:29,980
Oh, no, we would never ask
the Goddess to harm a teacher.

256
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,191
But if the Goddess
chose to help you

257
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,319
by giving Miss Hoover
the Hershey Squirts,

258
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,113
such is her divine wisdom.

259
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:41,367
Oh, listen, not that
I've lost my skepticism,

260
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:43,577
but I am interested
in learning more about Wiccans.

261
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,954
Are you a minority group

262
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,747
as defined by
Ivy League admissions?

263
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:47,665
Cornell and Dartmouth.

264
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,041
What else ya got?

265
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,376
We worship nature.

266
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,002
I worship nature!

267
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,421
Want to join us?

268
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,132
Well, it is an honor
to be asked.

269
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,758
But I never make
a final decision

270
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,427
in the middle of a
forest at night.

271
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,970
FRANKIE: Hey, hey,
that's smart thinkin'!

272
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,513
Shut up and dig
your own grave.

273
00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:03,764
What if I don't dig it?

274
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:04,974
What are you gonna do then?

275
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,017
Guess I'll have to
dig it for ya.

276
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:10,062
With your bad back?
Forget about it!

277
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,064
(grunting)

278
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:14,900
LISA:
Hmm...

279
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,365
Is that a pentagram?

280
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,785
Lis! You've finally come
over to the dark side!

281
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,246
Um, it's the Wiccan home page.

282
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:30,040
I'm thinking of joining.

283
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,500
No, no, no.

284
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,627
You're too young
to be a witch.

285
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,172
Savor the steps
leading up to it.

286
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,883
College anorexic,
string of bad marriages,

287
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,677
career disappointments,
failed pottery shop.

288
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,554
And then when you're
old and alone,

289
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,890
you can hit
the witch thing hard.

290
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:47,933
(dissonant note)

291
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:53,397
Hey, every witch
needs a familiar.

292
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,609
I'm gonna put a spell on you!
Yes, I am,

293
00:12:56,692 --> 00:12:58,319
-my tuna-breath familiar.
-(meows)

294
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,988
(giggling):
Zap! Zap! Zap!

295
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,531
Zap! Zap! Zap!

296
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:03,783
I curse you, Hell's Kitten!

297
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,035
Just as I feared.

298
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,579
Her Buddhism has led
directly to witchcraft.

299
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,751
(gasps) And she's
teleconferencing the Devil

300
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,544
using that computer from Hell!

301
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,129
I think it says "Dell."

302
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,256
We'll let the authorities
sort that out.

303
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,020
(slurping)
Mmm, not bad.

304
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:36,440
-(sirens wailing)
-What's that twirly ruckus?

305
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,818
(gasps) The gummiment!

306
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,027
(panicked chattering)

307
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:47,076
("Cursum Perficio" plays)

308
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,289
Initiate, how does one
enter the circle?

309
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:55,334
With perfect faith
and perfect love.

310
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:59,964
WICCANS (chanting):
Join us, join us, join us.

311
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,552
Do not sanctify that witch!

312
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:05,803
(music stops)

313
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:11,600
I kinda feel sorry for them,
crammed in that backseat.

314
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,894
Toss them a Judy Blume
novel, Lou.

315
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,313
Uh, all we've got is
<i>Wifey, </i>Chief.

316
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,690
Nothing with kids in it?

317
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,900
Damn budget cuts.

318
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:27,283
CROWD (chanting): Burn, burn,
burn! Burn, burn, burn!

319
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:30,494
Double bubble boil and trouble?

320
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:31,579
Today, Springfield will see

321
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,415
its first witch trials
in 12 years.

322
00:14:34,498 --> 00:14:36,292
Oh, I think I see
the witches now.

323
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,210
This reporter
has never encountered

324
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,795
such disfigured crones.

325
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,589
We're not the witches!

326
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,007
Oh, well then
you must be victims

327
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,758
of the witches'
hideous curse.

328
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,928
You didn't think I was so
hideous that night we made out

329
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,972
in the back booth
at the Seafood Hut.

330
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,308
We all did crazy
things on 9/11.

331
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,934
Ah, here come the witches.

332
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:56,103
Do you have a statement
for us mortals?

333
00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:59,648
Goddess Lilith, who knows
our hearts are pure...

334
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:04,153
ALL:
Oh, queen of magic, show our
persecutors that they are blind.

335
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,155
They are blind!

336
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:10,409
I'm blind! I'm blind!

337
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,661
What goes around,
comes around.

338
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,418
Dear, God, I've gone blind.

339
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,670
Nurse, you'll have
to be my eyes.

340
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,714
I'm blind, too!

341
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:26,383
Then I guess it's up to me.

342
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:31,430
{\an8}(gavel pounding)

343
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,642
Gwendolyn Nightshadow,

344
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,603
did you use
your supernatural powers

345
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:39,563
to blind half this town?

346
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,148
We're just kids.

347
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:43,776
My real name isn't even
Gwendolyn Nightshadow.

348
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,903
It's Stacey, Stacey Deathsatan.

349
00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:47,237
(gallery gasps)

350
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:48,864
(thunder rumbles)

351
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,491
So...

352
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,868
the defendants recruited you,

353
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,788
a young innocent,
into their evil coven.

354
00:15:55,871 --> 00:15:57,414
They're not evil!

355
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,375
They believe in friendship
and respecting the earth.

356
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,293
And they made me feel
like I belonged.

357
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:04,046
Your Honor, I'd like to enter
something into the record.

358
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:05,255
Strangely, I'll allow it.

359
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:06,882
Ladies and gentlemen,

360
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,759
I am a big dummy
with a stupid job.

361
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,010
I write down what
other people say,

362
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,929
just like a big dummy would.

363
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,139
Could the court reporter
read that back?

364
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,725
"I am a big dummy
with a stupid job"?!

365
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,269
-Hey!
-(chuckling)

366
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,815
In all my years
of being a judge,

367
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,483
I've never seen
such a flimsy case.

368
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,943
Are you sure?

369
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,987
'Cause we've brought you
a lot of flimsy cases.

370
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,823
Like that goat we accused
of income tax evasion.

371
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:31,949
I still think he was guilty.

372
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,242
♪♪

373
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,785
(goat bleating)

374
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,662
Well, I'm not wasting
another minute on this.

375
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,080
Case dismissed!

376
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,915
(relieved sighs)

377
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,792
There's no justice here.

378
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,585
They made me blind!

379
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,504
And now I can really
hear how I bomb!

380
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,298
Well, I say we take them out
and have our own trial!

381
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,050
(gallery clamoring)

382
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:50,968
(gunshots boom)

383
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,220
Oh, uh, don't mind me.

384
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,806
I'm just trying to get
a fly on the ceiling.

385
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:59,977
Ah, I got you now.

386
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,359
ALL (chanting):
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!

387
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:08,819
Burn the witch!

388
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,279
Not so fast!

389
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:13,365
As citizens, we are still
bound by the rule of law.

390
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:14,533
ALL:
Boo!

391
00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:16,452
17th century law!

392
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,619
(cheering)

393
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,831
I have reconstructed
the ultimate instrument

394
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:24,001
of colonial justice:
the dunking stool.

395
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:26,503
If the alleged witches
survive the dunking,

396
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,714
they clearly were witches!

397
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:32,176
If they drown, then they
were clearly innocent.

398
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:33,844
After this,
it will be featured

399
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:36,263
in the fifth-grade play,
<i>The Crucible.</i>

400
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,598
Good seats still available.

401
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,851
By which I mean, seats in the
back where you can fall asleep.

402
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:43,896
(creaking)

403
00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:45,522
(gasping)

404
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:49,902
Don't dip those Wiccans!

405
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:50,861
(mob gasping)

406
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,488
They didn't blind anyone.

407
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:53,739
I have proof!

408
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:54,823
(mob murmuring)

409
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,700
When my father was attending

410
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,494
<i>the moonshine competition</i>
<i>last Saturday...</i>

411
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,871
You said you were
at a parenting class!

412
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,456
Marge, please.

413
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:04,208
You're embarrassing me
in front of the mob.

414
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:05,918
...you heard sirens, which
you thought were police

415
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:07,669
coming to arrest you.

416
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,421
To ditch their stills,

417
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,965
<i>the moonshiners</i>
<i>pushed them down a hill.</i>

418
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,134
<i>The moonshine</i>
<i>landed in a river,</i>

419
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:17,429
<i>temporarily blinding anyone</i>
<i>or anything that drank it.</i>

420
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,890
(thudding)

421
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,559
(tapping)

422
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:27,898
<i>That river led to the reservoir</i>

423
00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:30,275
<i>which made anyone who drank</i>
<i>the town's tap water</i>

424
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,237
<i>also go temporarily blind.</i>

425
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,614
Moonshine in the water?

426
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,866
I'll be the judge of that.

427
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,161
(slurping)

428
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,538
Hmm...

429
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,291
(gasps) Hillbilly moonshine!

430
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:47,918
The little witch is right!

431
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:51,004
(mob groaning, murmuring)

432
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,802
Wait, wait, wait, don't unform!
You're a great mob!

433
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,887
We'll think of something else
to get upset about!

434
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,515
How about all that construction
on Route One, huh?

435
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,058
-Huh?
-(mob groaning)

436
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,602
Oh, you ain't no mob.

437
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,729
You're just a bunch of
spineless weasels.

438
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:10,732
Hey, hey, hey, it's
just a figure of speech.

439
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,234
Kill the weasel hater!

440
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,694
(all cheering)

441
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,530
Now this is what
I'm talking about!

442
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:19,324
Sister Lisa, thank you
for saving us.

443
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,826
You were awesome.

444
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,452
No, thank you.

445
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,788
I've been rational
but nerdy my whole life.

446
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:28,458
But these past few weeks,
you girls made me feel cool.

447
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:32,796
Cool! Me, Lisa Simpson!

448
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,841
Well, I think you're
very interesting girls,

449
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,551
but from now on,

450
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,761
the only "witch"
in Lisa's life

451
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,055
is which boy
will marry her.

452
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:43,974
Right, Homer? Homer?

453
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,684
Start the ride!

454
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,940
(giggling):
Again!

455
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,734
(spluttering)

456
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,321
-Huh?
-Hmm.

457
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,156
Hmm.

458
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:02,784
(men laughing)

459
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,958
(Donovan's
"Season of the Witch" plays)

460
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:14,671
<i>♪ You've got to pick up</i>
<i>every stitch ♪</i>

461
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:19,676
<i>♪ You've got</i>
<i>to pick up every stitch ♪</i>

462
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:24,223
<i>♪ You've got to pick up</i>
<i>every stitch ♪</i>

463
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,892
<i>♪ Mmm ♪</i>

464
00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:31,563
<i>♪ Must be the season</i>
<i>of the witch ♪</i>

465
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:35,776
<i>♪ Must be</i>
<i>the season of the witch... ♪</i>

466
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:39,196
(gurgling and sputtering)

467
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,240
(panting)

468
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,867
(theme song plays)

469
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,949
Shh!

470
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:28,870
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem