CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
Ooh!
(gunfire)
(tires screeching)
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
♪ On the twelfth day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
♪ 12 Grampas grumbling ♪
-♪ 11 Barneys belching ♪ -(belches)
♪ Ten Lennys leaping ♪
♪ Nine Carls dancing ♪
♪ Eight Moes a-milking ♪
♪ Seven Selmas smoking ♪
♪ Six Flanders praying ♪
♪ Five golden Frinks ♪
♪ Four crawling nerds ♪
♪ Three-eyed fish ♪
♪ Two special Ralphs ♪
♪ And a Maggie in a snugglie. ♪
(Bart and Milhouse laughing)
So, what prank are you going to lead off with?
The exploding pen.
Don't think I've heard of it.
(groans)
Let the games begin.
(all laughing)
(laughing stops)
(laughter resumes)
(kids cheering)
(engine stalling)
(exclaims)
(kids cheering)
(Milhouse screams)
Simpson, that is a rebuilt Yugoslavian engine.
There isn't even a Yugoslavia anymore!
Bring it back at once!
You're the boss.
(crashing)
(laughing)
(groaning)
(grumbling): Stupid punishment.
I hate hard work, unless it's on pranks.
Shiny enough to see Skinner's ugly face.
(Bart screams)
Come with me.
I'll grill your cheese yet, boy.
You weren't the first prankster to destroy
the car I rent from mother, and you won't be the last.
-"Rent"? -Rent to own.
Just 35 more payments, and it's halfway mine.
The point is, I've seen hooligans like you come and go.
You're all just a big blur of short pants
and sinister smiles.
Well, maybe so, but I'm the best.
(chuckles)
The best of your era, maybe.
Are you saying was worse than me?
(scoffs): Way worse.
Anyway, think no more about it.
You're dismissed.
Wait! Wait! If there's someone worse,
I have to know who he is.
"He"?
It's a she?
Just kidding, it's a guy.
(both laughing)
But let's not dwell on a mysterious figure
from the past who was your superior in every way.
Out you go.
Milhouse, there was a guy who pulled
even bigger pranks than me!
Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
(growling)
(inhales)
Man, if he lost that giant inhaler,
he'd really be in trouble with his parents.
MARGE: Hmm.
KIDS (on tape): ♪ Tubs are for bath-time and water is splashy fun ♪
♪ But there's one thing that must never be done ♪
MARGE (singing along with tape): ♪ Poop in the tub ♪
♪ I'm not gonna poop in the tub. ♪
MARGE: Okay, everyone!
Snack time!
I've got milk and cookies.
-Hydroxeos?! -(all gasping)
Marge, how could you?!
Those cookies are full of high fructose corn syrup
and partially hydrogenated oils.
Have you even read the books I've read?
But this is from the Kwik-E-Mart.
You and your husband work there.
I would sooner pour the polluted water of the Ganges
down their gullets than give them this carton
of cow cancer you call "milk."
Sorry. I didn't know.
Marge, until you start serving healthy food,
the Midday Mommies are pulling you from snack rotation.
(gasps)
SELMA: Hydrogenated, ugh!
Mm-hmm.
A prankster that awesome
must've made the school paper.
Hmm. Lis,
I just discovered something weird.
Ten years ago, this paper didn't publish
for two whole weeks.
Now, before the gap, look at Skinner.
LISA: Hmm.
And here he is after the gap.
(Lisa groans)
Hmm, something must've happened during those two weeks
to turn Skinner from cool to, as you would say, "tool."
I know what happened:
the ultimate prank.
A prank that changed Skinner from cool to tool.
Is that a backhoe behind him?
Huh.
It is!
-Zoom in and enhance. -Mm.
Willie!
He must know the answer.
Before you go, can you distribute
these newspapers throughout the school?
Well, I'd be a pretty lousy brother if I didn't.
Willie, I know you witnessed
the most awesome prank since creation.
Can you tell me about it?
I'll nae speak to ye
of those dark times, Bart Simpson.
But if there was a more awesome dude than I,
I've got to know who he was, what he did
and how many days detention he got.
Something happened.
Something that changed Skinner and you.
I haven't changed!
I've always been Swim Teacher Willie
and I always will be!
See, oh...
All right, I'll tell ya.
Years ago, this school had a pool.
I was an eager, young swim coach, teaching American youth
the revolutionary Aberdeen crawl.
It was a talented group, and we were
all set to go to the state finals.
I shaved and waxed the boys myself.
Then came the Night of the Wigglers.
What an awesome day!
BOY: Yo, Skin-man! Little help?
Right back at you, Jason.
-Stay in school. -I will.
I am so stoked for my daily swim.
(whistling)
Had he stopped whistlin' and looked down,
the world wouldn't have changed that night.
But he didn't, and it did.
Worms!
(muffled screams)
(muffled protests)
He spent all weekend in that crypt full of creepy-crawlies.
Monday was Teacher Development Day,
so Skinner wasn't rescued till Tuesday morn.
And by then, he was the twisted monster you see today.
Shut this pool down, Groundskeeper Willie.
Willie. Bart.
Monster.
So my ass isn't the baddest
in the history of this school!
Who did it, Willie?
His name is Andy Hamilton.
Andy Hamilton.
But whatever you do,
never tell me where you learned his name,
or I'll kill whoever told you!
Marge, what are you doing?
This junk food has got to go.
It's full of chemicals, trans fats
and hard-pore corn.
(gasps)
No!
Don't worry, my sweets!
I'll put out the fire!
Homie, no!
That topping is a petroleum by-product!
(screams)
-(explosion) -Ow!
"Andy Hamilton, 53 Hyperion Drive."
Bart, it's not always a good idea
to meet your hero.
I once followed Santa home from the department store,
and what I saw wasn't pretty.
I can't live my life, knowing there might be
someone better than me at the one thing I'm good at.
(doorbell rings)
ANDY: Entré and partay!
(grunts)
Krazy Glue!
Bart, you've been pranked!
Eh, it needs a topper.
And look, some idiot left glue loosener
just lying around!
Ah! Here it comes.
Ay, caramba!
(groans)
Man, it is an honor
to meet the guy who wormed Skinner.
You know, when I was your age,
we couldn't film our pranks for YouTube.
It was local news or nothing.
Potato chip?
Hmm, wait a minute.
Are there spring snakes in this can?
No, no-no, no-no, no-no. Give me some credit.
It's a real snake.
-(snake hisses) -Whoa!
Don't worry, it's defanged.
(snake hisses, Milhouse screams)
Although he can still
rub poison on you with his gums.
I would really wash that arm if I were you.
-Can I go home now? -You should probably wait.
You're going to be very sleepy for the next few hours.
Isn't this the best day of your life?
(shuddering)
So, you want to be
Springfield Elementary's next Andy Hamilton?
Then you'll have to top these awesome pranks.
The bear traps in gym class.
The fire in the drinking fountain.
And, of course, the fake heart attack
-on an international flight. -(chuckles)
They had to land the plane in Nairobi!
Some chick missed her own wedding!
(clicking)
I am impressed.
-(clicking) -(shivering)
BART: Oh, Andy has the perfect life.
All he does is reminisce about his pranks.
And when his mom gets home from work,
she makes him whatever sandwich he wants.
(wan chuckle)
This Andy sounds like kind of a loser.
How could someone so much like me be a loser?
♪ Loser! ♪
Would a loser have showed me
how to put printer's ink in a bottle of shampoo?
I've never felt so clean!
♪ A loo-oo-ooser! ♪
Yeah, but, uh, uh...
Dad, Lisa's making me see things from both sides again!
HOMER: Lisa, I warned you about that!
Shouldn't Bart have all the information he needs
to make an informed decision?
Well,you...
Now you're doing it to me!
Oh!
Mom, what would you do
if someone you cared about might be a loser,
but they thought they were awesome?
Are you talking about your father?
That loser? No.
I'm talking about this guy who's 19 and never really grew up.
Well, when you care about someone,
it's not out of line to give them a gentle push
in the right direction.
Got it. Did you wash those carrots?
(scoffs)
No.
(sighs)
You could have washed them after you cut them,
but now they're done for.
(sighing): Oh!
Well, I don't like the looks of this place, Marge.
I don't see any standees for chips, standees for soda.
I don't see any standees at all!
From now on, our family is eating healthy food
that looks bad on the shelf, but good in our colon.
Why is that man carrying a purse?
That's a reusable grocery bag.
This store doesn't use plastic bags,
because they end up in the ocean
and upset jellyfish mating rituals.
Stupid horny jellyfish-- neutering our dudes.
Hmm.
Almond butter, soy milk,
non-soy dairy-based soy sauce,
steel-cut spelt husk,
Chef Soy-ar-dee soy-based spaghetti and soy balls,
free-range gluten,
ultra-vegan invisible cheese...
You know, you don't have
to read the items aloud.
I know what they are.
Okay, that comes to $790.
800 bucks?!
Oh, wait. I didn't see these blueberries.
$830.
Fine, but we're going
to a regular grocery store next week.
A week?
Without preservatives, this food won't last a day.
Look.
Oh!
(laughs)
Huh.
Well, I guess, uh, they can go either way.
(horns honking)
(car crashing)
WIGGUM: Oh, God!
Oh, I'm in horrible pain!
(laughs)
(sighs)
Andy, man, is this the way
you want to spend the rest of your life?
Having to borrow spray paint from a ten-year-old kid?
I told you, okay?
I'll pay you back when I get my allowance.
I mean, not this one, but the one after next.
Oh, God, you're right.
Look, I think I can get you a job.
Krusty owes me a favor
after I perjured myself for him during a deposition.
You would get me a job? Thank you, man.
Um, I would keep that on for the interview.
(horn honking)
Hey, hey, if it isn't my old friend... you!
Krusty, I need a favor.
For you kid, anything,
anything at all!
Although I won't read screenplays.
That's for your protection.
Oh, and you can't ride on my private jet.
And I won't give a struggling young comic his first chance,
I won't give a broken-down hack his last chance,
I won't buy you kids booze.
The judge was very clear on that.
Now, what can I do for you?
Oh, and I don't sign footballs unless you're dying,
and it reverts back to me after six months if you're not dead.
(horn honks)
As my new second assistant,
you've got to drive me from my office to the stage,
and if you see anybody I've screwed over on the way,
avoid them!
Whoa! Ex-wife!
Former writing partner!
Bookie!
Dog I abandoned! A.A. sponsor!
Love child!
-Tiddly. -Wink.
Tiddly.
Wink. Didn't Andy start work today?
Yes. Tiddly.
Then why is he standing in our driveway?
Wink.
You're supposed to be at work!
I tried, man, but he was, like, "Do this thing."
And I'm, like, "Why, dude?"
And he's, like, "I'm your boss!"
And I'm, like, "I quit."
Then you're, like, "You're supposed to be at work, man."
Then I'm, like, "What?"
You quit after one day?
Yeah.
But today wasn't a total loss.
On the way home, I got this--
an ice cube with a fly in it.
If that was in your drink,
you'd be, like, "I'm not drinking that!"
I stuck my neck out for you, and you screwed it up!
(bicycle bell dings twice)
We're not losers!
No, you two are winners.
Big winners.
When I grow up,
I want to marry a big winner like you guys.
Shut up!
♪ Doggies and kitties don't last forever ♪
♪ But they do a lot better than fish! ♪
♪ Flush, flush, fish, fish, fish, flush... ♪
It's healthy snack time!
Is it?
We've got sulfite-free grape juice
and homemade, organic, non-gluten,
fair-trade zucchini cupcakes!
-Oh! -Oh!
They don't rise by themselves,
so I was up all night
blowing air bubbles into them with a straw.
Mmm! Delicious!
What percent milk fat unsalted butter did you use
to grease the cupcake tray?
None percent.
I used a nonstick pan.
(all retching)
Don't you know that nonstick pans are made with P.F.O.A.s?
Oh, boy, here it comes.
There is only one thing more dangerous than P.F.O.A.s, Marge.
Plastics made with B.P.A.s.
Never, ever let your child near any product with the number...
Seven!
Good Lord, they've been sucking seven! Oh!
(siren blaring)
(groans)
All right, Andy.
It was not easy to get your job back.
You did me a solid, man.
And I promise you, I will not leave this job
unless I flake or it becomes bogus.
No, that's not good enough.
I want you to shake my hand as a fellow prankster
and swear you will try your best.
-Psych! -Psych!
We have a deal.
(humming)
Marge?
Sorry I'm late. I was working overtime,
so we'd have extra money to buy fruit salad.
-Honey, what are you doing? -Hmm?
Nothing!
(swallows) Nothing!
It's okay. You can tell me.
I found your stash.
(gasps)
You found the precious!
I know, I know.
I've eaten your trans fats,
your red dye number two.
Even this!
Oh, Marge, I'm seeing
a brand-new side of you-- me.
(Homer and Marge laughing)
More Lard Glug, my sweet?
I never want to stop.
Did you know that Lard Glug
contains neither lard nor glug?
From now on,
we'll only make the kids eat healthy.
I can't believe Andy's lasted a week.
Yeah, to congratulate him, I got him the most
grown-up thing I could think of: a Caesar salad.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Stage 6.
I've got a delivery for a Mr. Andy Hamilton.
-Right over there. -Oh, thank you.
(gasps)
(bell ringing)
Louie, have you seen Andy?
I think he's gonna ruin the show!
Eh, he's about 20 seasons too late.
(laughing)
(coughing)
(gasps)
(drumroll)
Now, to dive in this pool
of clear, blue water.
(gasps)
(Krusty yelps)
Put me down!
You're ruining the bit!
No! I won't see you end up
like Skinner, twisted and deranged.
Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me.
You'll forget your troubles, they tell me.
Uh, how much do you weigh?
Oh, 180, maybe 190.
Plus I'm wearing about 30 pounds of pancake makeup
and I'm always packing heat.
Plus the owner's manual for my Cadillac.
(straining)
(screaming)
(gasping)
I wanted warm water, not worm water.
(audience laughing)
What's going on?
Krusty needed a bit.
And I got a great one.
Thanks to my new head writer, Andy Hamilton.
(Krusty laughs)
Bart, thank you for believing I could grow up.
My pranking days are over, for good.
What's gotten into you, man?
Andrew, I wanted to show you something
in the make-out room-- uh, makeup room.
I'll be right there in a minute, babe.
Looks like I just bought some property on Boner Way.
So now Andy's a TV writer.
Loser.
♪ Loser, loser. ♪
Loser!
Shh!
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