1
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,089
CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:07,173
(tires screeching)
3
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,510
D’oh!
4
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:11,761
(screams)
5
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:12,846
(tires screeching)
6
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,309
(loud smack)
7
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,644
(makes Road Runner noise)
8
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:20,854
Meep, meep!
9
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,065
D’oh!
10
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,745
♪♪
11
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:37,996
{\an8}(door squeaks)
12
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:40,498
(groans quietly)
13
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:42,709
{\an8}(screams)
14
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,627
{\an8}D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!
15
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,796
{\an8}Bart, it’s me!
16
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,424
{\an8}D’oh! Hey!
17
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:53,094
{\an8}I’m Lord Evilton from
the Angelica Button books.
18
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,764
{\an8}The last book in the series
goes on sale at midnight
19
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,390
{\an8}and we’re going
to go stand in line.
20
00:00:57,474 --> 00:01:00,060
{\an8}Wait in line for a book?!
21
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,102
{\an8}You tell ’em Bart
says hey.
22
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,228
{\an8}Come on, boy.
23
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,688
{\an8}All the nerds
are doing it.
24
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:04,981
{\an8}I’m not a nerd.
25
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,441
{\an8}I’m a jock who’s too cool
for sports.
26
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:10,904
{\an8}-It’s the final book!
-I wonder what happens?
27
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,989
{\an8}Maybe the Sandrux
is the Narcolops.
28
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,116
{\an8}I read a rumor
Spider-man’s in it.
29
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,284
{\an8}Shut up! Shut up!
30
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:17,869
{\an8}This is a spoiler-free zone.
31
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,623
{\an8}(groans)
32
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,334
{\an8}Nice Angelica Button
costume, Lisa.
33
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,211
{\an8}Although...
34
00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:27,754
{\an8}the gryphon on
your coat of arms
35
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,380
{\an8}is facing left not right.
36
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,924
{\an8}And FYI, Angelica wears
37
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,675
{\an8}two tortoise shell
barrettes.
38
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,135
{\an8}Nice try, though.
39
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,970
{\an8}I based my costume
on the books,
40
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,472
{\an8}not the movies.
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00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,474
{\an8}(crowd laughing)
42
00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:46,856
{\an8}Okay, I’m going to hand out
colored bracelets.
43
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,775
{\an8}The color on your bracelet
will determine...
44
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:49,859
{\an8}HOMER:
Move or die!
45
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,403
{\an8}(clamoring)
46
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,657
It’s for my kid!
47
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:57,408
-Eureka!
-(grunts)
48
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,121
{\an8}Now read it to me!
49
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:05,250
{\an8}"The Dark Lord has summoned
you," said the withered troll.
50
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,918
{\an8}Do the character voices!
51
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,130
{\an8}(troll voice):
"And bring your cloak.
52
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:14,134
{\an8}The torture room can be
frightfully chilly."
53
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:16,136
{\an8}LISA:
Angelica’s first kiss, da-da-da.
54
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,138
{\an8}Subplot about her cat,
who cares?
55
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,265
{\an8}Professor Skizzletwitch
is a Were-bear,
56
00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:21,558
{\an8}and, uh, no, no, he’s not.
57
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,601
{\an8}Maluicious Krubb is actually
Kraluicious Mubb.
58
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,894
{\an8}(all gasping)
59
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,771
{\an8}All is lost,
Angelica uses the spell
60
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,148
{\an8}she learned in chapter six.
61
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:30,441
{\an8}Magic, magic, magic,
all is won.
62
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:31,943
{\an8}(all cheering)
63
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,407
Well, that’s our book
for the year.
64
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,284
I think we’ve earned some TV.
65
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:40,952
BOTH:
TV! TV! TV!
66
00:02:41,035 --> 00:02:43,454
{\an8}But kids, I want you
in bed by 3:00 a.m.
67
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,581
{\an8}(both groaning)
68
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:47,041
{\an8}Hey, somebody’s
got to be the bad guy.
69
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,418
{\an8}MAN (on TV):
But I don’t understand,
70
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,587
how could he have murdered
his wife if he was
71
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,881
making a phone call
3,000 miles away?
72
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,592
Well, maybe he reached out...
73
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,177
and killed someone.
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00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,053
{\an8}(driving rock playing)
♪ Yaaah! ♪
75
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,015
-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh.
76
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:03,016
{\an8}I saw this.
77
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,642
{\an8}He trained
his dog to do it.
78
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,144
{\an8}-(groaning)
-(chortles)
79
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,897
Up next, which former
Friends star
80
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,149
is speaking out
against adult illiteracy?
81
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,192
{\an8}-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
82
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,318
{\an8}-It’s Lisa Kudrow.
-(groaning)
83
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:14,319
{\an8}(laughing)
84
00:03:14,402 --> 00:03:15,904
{\an8}Stop saying things, Bart.
85
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:18,489
{\an8}That’s the TV’s job.
86
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,116
And the First Lady has agreed
87
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,327
to sit on the egg
until it hatches.
88
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:23,494
More after this.
89
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:26,789
(classical music plays)
90
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:27,999
See that? That’s talent.
91
00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,500
You think you got it?
You don’t.
92
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:30,752
’Cause only I can teach it
93
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:32,587
and I ain’t taught you,
so you don’t.
94
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:35,340
The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy
is coming to Springfield.
95
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:36,758
Auditions are Monday.
96
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:38,218
Callbacks are Tuesday.
97
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,011
Wednesday, you see
I’m a heartless bastard.
98
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,013
Thursday you realize
you love me, damn it.
99
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:43,306
Friday, we’re closed.
100
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:44,390
You’re fired.
101
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,184
You’re her.
Jump, dance, love.
102
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:49,020
{\an8}A ballet academy here
in Springfield?
103
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,105
{\an8}Move over, Europe!
104
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,024
{\an8}I didn’t know
you cared about ballet.
105
00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,817
{\an8}Lisa, have I ever shown you
106
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,320
{\an8}-my Shattered Dreams Box?
-No.
107
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,614
{\an8}It’s upstairs in my
Disappointment Closet.
108
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:01,282
{\an8}Oh! Oh...
109
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:04,327
{\an8}There were so many things
I wanted to do in life
110
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,246
{\an8}that I never got
a chance to do:
111
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,665
{\an8}doctor, safecracker,
112
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,625
{\an8}stethoscope sales lady.
113
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,377
{\an8}None came to pass.
114
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,796
{\an8}But the thing
I really wanted to be,
115
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,047
{\an8}ever since I was little,
116
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,508
{\an8}was a ballerina.
117
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,676
{\an8}So what happened?
118
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:22,178
{\an8}My bosoms came in
and ruined my balance.
119
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,638
{\an8}Really? How?
120
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,223
{\an8}They came in one at a time.
121
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,392
{\an8}Oh... do you
think mine...?
122
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,270
{\an8}No, I’m pretty sure
you’ll have your dad’s boobs.
123
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,272
{\an8}Oh.
124
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:36,734
{\an8}Mom, it’s not too late
to un-shatter your dream.
125
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,445
{\an8}Martha Graham danced
well into her 70s.
126
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:42,198
You mean she danced well,
into her 70s?
127
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,701
Or she danced,
well into her 70s?
128
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,452
Well, she danced into her 70s.
129
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,204
I think you’ve got a point.
130
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,623
Homie, I’m gonna
be a dancer!
131
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,041
Go-go or boring?
132
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,168
-Boring!
-(moans): Oh...
133
00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,504
♪♪
134
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,758
Okay, ladies, listen up:
Forget everything
135
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,760
you’ve ever learned
about ballet-- good.
136
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,178
Now, from Bolshoi
Fifth Position,
137
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,763
give me a Battement Glisse,
138
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:06,848
a Double Changement,
139
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,141
two Swan Lake Fouettás,
140
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,018
then finish
with a Grand Pas De Chat.
141
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,270
Oy, oy, oy.
142
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,480
Now show me what you got, uh...
143
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,399
Simpson, comma, Marge.
144
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:17,483
(chuckles nervously)
145
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,110
(classical music
playing on piano)
146
00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,237
(humming)
147
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,323
(grunting)
148
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,329
(whistles)
149
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:30,913
I haven’t seen
dancing like that
150
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,582
since my Broadway show
Dancing Like That.
151
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:33,624
Closed in a week.
152
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:34,959
Too smart
for the corndog crowd,
153
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,044
too dumb
for the bagel bunch.
154
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,628
You keep it up, kid.
You got something.
155
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,339
Ooh!
156
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:43,092
Son, while your mother
and little mother are out,
157
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:46,387
I’m gonna let you in on
a deep, dark family secret.
158
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,388
You have a drinking problem?
159
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,390
I said secret.
160
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,603
Have you ever wondered what
I do in that locked room?
161
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:54,645
Gay out?
162
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:57,899
Well, wonder no more!
163
00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,484
(Bart gasps)
164
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:00,818
Beef jerky!
165
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,820
The queen of all the jerkys!
166
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,155
That’s right.
167
00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:05,865
Now, I’ll cut and you soak.
168
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,538
Dad, marinating
with you is cool.
169
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,457
Thanks, son.
170
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,958
(both laughing)
171
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,294
Some of that
is cow blood.
172
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,670
Aw...
173
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:21,589
-(classical music playing)
-Look, Lise!
174
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:22,965
I’m as supple as ever!
175
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,218
(creaking)
176
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,219
(nervous laugh)
177
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:27,595
It won’t go down.
178
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,013
(leg creaking,
Marge grunting)
179
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,057
Uh-oh!
180
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,852
Marge, Marge, Marge--
you know what they say,
181
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,479
-those who cannot do...
-Teach?
182
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,064
No, they go home.
183
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,357
How can they teach
if they can’t do?
184
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,733
Get out!
185
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,693
(crying quietly)
186
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:45,780
You can’t talk
to my mom like that.
187
00:06:45,863 --> 00:06:47,657
Who the hell...
188
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:48,991
{\an8}taught you to
stand like that?
189
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,411
{\an8}This is how I always
stand when I tell adults
190
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,578
{\an8}what they should be doing.
191
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,455
You have naturally
perfect posture.
192
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:55,790
I rarely say this,
193
00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:57,375
but, how would you
like to become
194
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,960
a paying student
at my dance academy?
195
00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:01,212
Uh, I don’t know, I...
196
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,005
We accept!
197
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,094
(playing light
classical melody)
198
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:12,098
Whoa!
199
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,644
I’m sorry, I got confused.
200
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,354
You don’t get to be "confused."
201
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,648
Not till you’ve won six Tonys,
gone into rehab,
202
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:22,733
married your plastic surgeon,
retired,
203
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,735
and then un-retired
in a special little show
204
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,821
called Woman of the Year--
you can’t, uh...
205
00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:29,157
Hey, I forget where
I’m going with this.
206
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,908
Take a break, people.
207
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,536
Eh, eh, eh, en pointe!
208
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,040
This is so hard.
209
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,125
Get used to it.
210
00:07:39,208 --> 00:07:41,002
We ballerinas are
under constant pressure
211
00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:44,505
to stay focused, skinny,
graceful and skinny.
212
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:45,840
How do you cope with it?
213
00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:47,175
You find out
what works for you.
214
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:48,968
For some people
it might be yoga,
215
00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:49,927
for others, meditation.
216
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,387
Mm!
217
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,889
But for every
ballerina in the world,
218
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,474
it’s cigarettes.
219
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,728
Cigarettes?!
220
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,980
They can kill you.
They did a whole
221
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:03,274
episode about it on The Suite
Life of Zack and Cody.
222
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,485
Zack tried to impress
a girl by smoking,
223
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:07,153
but she went
for Cody instead.
224
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,572
Zack’s life wasn’t
so sweet then.
225
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,200
Hey.
If God didn’t want
ballerinas to smoke,
226
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,743
how come I can do this?
227
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,001
Wow! No!
228
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:23,377
All I need to stay focused
229
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:24,795
is good old-fashioned
fresh air.
230
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,130
(inhales)
231
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,590
Nothing like fresh air.
232
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,011
(raspy):
Fresh air.
233
00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:37,767
(classical melody playing)
234
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,310
Horrible, horrible,
horrible...
235
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,062
no longer describes
your dancing, Lisa.
236
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:42,230
You’re good, kid!
237
00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,151
I’ve gotten better since
this morning.
238
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,986
How could that have happened?
239
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,363
Maybe it’s all
the secondhand
240
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,114
"focus" and "pep"
you’re inhaling.
241
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,578
They don’t call these
"dancer sticks" for nothin’.
242
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,330
I thought they were
cancer sticks.
243
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,417
(singsong):
I dan’t dear dou!
244
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,794
HOMER:
My Hindu friend,
245
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,587
this is a chance
for your Kwik-E-Mart
246
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,381
to get in
on the ground floor
247
00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,591
of a delicious
new taste sensation.
248
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:13,511
You talk a good game, but do you
have the product to back it up?
249
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:15,805
Step into our Jerkatorium.
250
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,516
(gasping)
251
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:20,142
-What the...!
-Where’s our jerky?
252
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,978
You have wasted my time!
253
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:25,606
You have made
a very powerless enemy.
254
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:26,566
Good day and be well!
255
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:27,984
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
256
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,820
You haven’t seen our
PowerPoint presentation-- Bart?
257
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:35,157
HOMER AND BART:
"J," just the product you need.
258
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,660
"E," excellent value.
259
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:40,121
"R," retailer’s dream.
"K..."
260
00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,498
You can skip
the "K" and the "Y."
261
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,667
I do not thank you
262
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,502
and I will not come again.
263
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,798
Who could have done this?
264
00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,092
Well, something chewed
through the cellar door
265
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,969
and the floor is covered
with paw prints...
266
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,346
This can only mean one thing:
267
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,181
Flanders, you ate my jerky!
268
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,600
As the oak said
to the beagle,
269
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,268
you’re barkin’ up
the wrong tree.
270
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,604
I spent the whole morning
blacking out the "goshes"
271
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,230
and "darns"
in these Hardy Boys books.
272
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,190
I know you ate my jerky
273
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,652
just like I ate your
earthquake supplies.
274
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:12,653
BART:
Dad, look!
275
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:13,738
Raccoons!
276
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,950
You stay right here.
277
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,327
Okily dokily!
278
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,497
Ah! "heck, darn."
279
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,207
I don’t think so.
280
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,754
EERIE FEMALE VOICE:
Lisa...
281
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:32,006
Lisa Simpson...
282
00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:33,382
(coughing)
283
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,176
Time for a smoke.
284
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:36,719
Look, everyone knows
285
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,596
that cigarettes are
where flavor lives
286
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,306
and a cool choice
for a hot night.
287
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:41,849
But they’re
for losers!
288
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,142
Losers?
289
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:44,894
You mean losers like...
290
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,145
Simone de Beauvoir,
291
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,813
Margaret Mead,
292
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,231
Queen Elizabeth I,
293
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,025
Lauren Bacall...
294
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,652
My feminist heroes!
295
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:55,696
Don’t forget me--
Lillian Hellman!
296
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,449
Smoking gave me the energy
I needed to write plays
297
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,701
and invent mayonnaise!
298
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:03,162
Bring out the Hellman’s,
and bring out the best.
299
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:04,997
WOMEN:
Puff with us!
300
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:08,542
Puff with us!
301
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,545
(sighing)
302
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:16,175
(sniffing)
303
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,638
Yeah, that’s it,
304
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,556
don’t be shy.
305
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,143
Enjoy your jerky laced
with sleeping pills.
306
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,354
Nobody outwits
Homer Simpson.
307
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,690
Hey, they’re not sleepy.
308
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:34,610
Just turning fuzzy.
309
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,696
Homer, you ate
their jerky.
310
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,656
I thought
this might happen,
311
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:41,992
so I brought the best weapon
to operate while drugged:
312
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,370
a crossbow.
313
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:46,789
(moaning)
314
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,250
(screams)
315
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,502
Whoa!
316
00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:53,254
(Homer moaning
incoherently)
317
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,008
-(arrow whooshes)
-DRIVER: No!
318
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,927
(tires screeching)
319
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,310
Chazz Busby says you’re
really making progress!
320
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,895
Do you need more
leg warmers?
321
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,772
No, stop buying me
leg warmers!
322
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:14,066
I’m already wearing six pairs!
323
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,568
Well, the important
thing is,
324
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:18,404
someday, I’ll be watching
my little Marge
325
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,322
dancing
at Lincoln Center.
326
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,158
Lisa, Mom. I’m Lisa.
327
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,201
Of course,
you’re Lisa.
328
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:27,997
Lisa the dancing
Marge girl.
329
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,583
Dad, you never win a
fight with animals.
330
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,793
Remember when you lost
that war with the worms?
331
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,379
That wasn’t a defeat,
it was a phased withdrawal.
332
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,547
Oh, yeah?
333
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,340
They made you
build this statue.
334
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,219
When you cut ’em,
they multiply.
335
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,846
I can’t fight that!
336
00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:45,347
Now, let’s take care
337
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,349
of those raccoons.
338
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:49,894
(grunting)
339
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:50,936
Huh?
340
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,147
(gasps)
341
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,691
Aw, they’re using the jerky
to feed their family.
342
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,777
Look, there’s a Homer
and a Bart
343
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,820
and a Marge
and a Lisa.
344
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,782
Aw, they even share my views
on parenting!
345
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,450
(gagging)
346
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,452
Enjoy your jerky,
little critters,
347
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,829
and one day you’ll grow up
to be people.
348
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,414
Bart, get some
more jerky
349
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,416
for man’s new
best friend.
350
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,796
(piano playing)
351
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:22,927
When’s our next break?
352
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,261
When the big cigarette
hits 9:00.
353
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,262
(sighing)
354
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,140
All right,
that was pretty good
355
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,184
for uncoordinated
hippopotamuses.
356
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,060
Hit the river, ladies.
357
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,520
Go ahead, have a wallow.
358
00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:33,437
(girls sighing
with relief)
359
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:36,816
(wind whistling,
gusting)
360
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,487
Oh...
361
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:42,822
What am I doing?
362
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,199
I don’t need secondhand smoke
to do ballet...
363
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:49,119
I need firsthand smoke!
364
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,208
Lisa!
365
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,251
Give me that!
366
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,092
I can’t believe
367
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:06,846
how easy it is in this country
to get cigarettes.
368
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,643
I can’t believe
you were smoking.
369
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,562
Did you know
the "sturgeon" general
370
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,272
said you’re
not supposed to?
371
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,274
A "sturgeon" is a fish.
372
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,776
And a very wise fish
he is!
373
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:24,822
Marge, I’m taking Lisa
out of that stupid...
374
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:25,781
What the...?
375
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:31,954
Oh, Homie, I’ve been
so happy lately.
376
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,664
I’m completely fulfilled,
377
00:14:33,747 --> 00:14:36,250
both as a mother
and a fan of youth ballet!
378
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,168
Now what did you want
to say to me?
379
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,295
Uh...
380
00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:42,006
are you sure you want Lisa
to keep dancing?
381
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,592
There’s nothing that makes
a mother’s heart soar more
382
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:46,552
than seeing her child
take wing.
383
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:49,305
Look at me, I’m glowing!
384
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,514
Maybe you’re drunk.
385
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,724
Homie, Lisa’s dancing
386
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,686
has made me
really, really, happy.
387
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,609
(sighs)
Okay.
388
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:04,403
Oh, fatherhood hurts my brain.
389
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:06,071
(gagging):
Dad!
390
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:07,364
Dad, a little help?
391
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,532
You’re on your own.
392
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:09,617
(grunting)
393
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,453
(swing squeaking)
394
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,246
Because it means
so much to your mother,
395
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,831
you can keep
doing ballet.
396
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,666
But you have
to stop smoking,
397
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,001
including
secondhand!
398
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:20,502
That’s easy for you to say.
399
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,546
You’ve never had to be
thin and focused.
400
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,465
What’d you say?
401
00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:26,884
I’m just saying it’s gonna
be hard for me to quit,
402
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,470
especially before the recital.
403
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,513
I thought you might have
trouble with this.
404
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,516
That’s why I’m assigning someone
to keep watch over you.
405
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,685
Someone you’d
never expect.
406
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:37,770
-Is it Bart?
-D’oh!
407
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:38,854
Come on out, boy.
408
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,067
For the next
three days,
409
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,070
I’m gonna stick to you like
waffle syrup on a shag rug.
410
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:49,073
I’m gonna be on you like fish
stink on a Gloucester dog.
411
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:51,075
I’m gonna be
all over you like...
412
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:52,534
Hey, where’d she go?
413
00:15:54,578 --> 00:15:55,913
(Busby claps)
Okay, everybody!
414
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,247
Dress rehearsal!
415
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,999
(classical music playing)
416
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,668
(shuddering)
417
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,586
(groans)
418
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,713
Whoa!
419
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,466
Hey, I’m still paying
for that nose!
420
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:08,550
Lisa, the last time
I checked,
421
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,010
this was not
Worldwide Wrestling.
422
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,345
And I checked
five minutes ago.
423
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,686
Hey Lisa, come on over.
424
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,397
I can’t-- I promised
I wouldn’t.
425
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,690
If you don’t
breathe it,
426
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,650
that smoke might
go into a baby.
427
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,068
(groans)
428
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:29,321
Well, since you cared enough
to apply peer pressure...
429
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,573
(inhaling)
430
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,325
-There you go.
-Awesome.
You go, girl.
431
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,036
-Much better.
-That’s it, yeah.
432
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,788
(slow psychedelic
rock music playing)
433
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,583
(helicopter whirling)
434
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:45,629
(phone ringing)
435
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,506
Yello.
436
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,924
She what?!
437
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,342
Oh, my God!
438
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,428
Well, I’m going to settle
this once and for all!
439
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,179
Meet me at the place
we discussed.
440
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,347
Who was that?
441
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:56,515
Wrong number.
442
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,938
BUSBY:
Five minutes, ladies.
443
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,695
Okay, Bart,
444
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,739
it’s time for Operation:
Crazy-Plan.
445
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,241
Step one: we chuck
the raccoon in there.
446
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,284
What if someone
catches him?
447
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,702
Don’t worry.
448
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,954
I have a perfect way
to conceal his identity.
449
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,627
Okay, now go, boy!
450
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:26,670
(raccoon chittering)
451
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,422
(sniffing)
452
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:31,508
♪♪
453
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,353
Not keys, cigarettes!
454
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,526
Yeah, that’s what I mean.
455
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:53,906
(giggles)
456
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,492
Okay, now we get rid
of the cigarettes.
457
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,494
Lord, I could
use a smoke.
458
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,496
(Homer grunts)
459
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,498
Thank you, God.
460
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:03,916
-Cigarette?
-Can’t.
461
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,084
I’m pregnant.
462
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,710
Uh, one more favor?
463
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,590
(orchestral classical
music ending)
464
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,595
Wow, what a great
first act.
465
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:19,306
I hope Sleeping Beauty
never wakes up.
466
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:21,141
Good,
that’s so hot.
467
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,186
-Good job.
-Great.
468
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:25,229
My cigarettes!
469
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:26,772
What happened to my cigarettes?!
470
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,066
(shrieking,
clamoring)
471
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:30,192
Found one!
472
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,443
That’s your finger!
473
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,444
I don’t care!
474
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,446
(deep sucking)
475
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,698
(classical fanfare
playing)
476
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,700
(all groaning and panting)
477
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:44,414
(groaning)
478
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,545
(groaning and panting)
479
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,299
Watch your hoof,
you blue-ribbon sow.
480
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:57,052
I’ll spit on
your grave, grandma!
481
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,846
(gasps with surprise,
then inhales deeply)
482
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,223
Oh, no!
My appetite’s coming back!
483
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:06,478
(gasping in distress)
484
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:07,896
I haven’t seen crap like this
485
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,898
since my Broadway show
Crap Like This.
486
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,316
Ran for five years.
487
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,235
We can smoke the programs!
488
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:19,283
I can smoke my hair!
489
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,704
Maybe there’s gum
under the seats!
490
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,876
All right,
that’s enough!
491
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,627
I want to talk about
a horrible practice
492
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,921
afflicting millions
of Americans.
493
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,174
For years we’ve known
how dangerous it is.
494
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,758
It stunts your growth.
495
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,802
And it’s marketed to children.
496
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:41,096
I’m talking about ballet.
497
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,765
I’ll smoke to that!
498
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,768
Ballet is unnatural
and unfair to women.
499
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,522
I shall now cast off
the shoes of oppression!
500
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,817
(grunts, spits)
501
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,319
You’ll never take down
big ballet!
502
00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:56,320
Never!
503
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:57,821
Now good day!
504
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,576
(funky guitar riff playing)
505
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,882
This is my favorite
family tradition--
506
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,593
ice cream after
a botched recital.
507
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,470
And I’m happy
to be smoke-free,
508
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,097
thanks to these children’s
nicotine patches.
509
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:26,183
And I realize
it’s wrong
510
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,684
to try to live
your career dreams
511
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:28,852
through your children.
512
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,479
Does that mean
I can stop training
513
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,313
to be a Mexican
wrestler?
514
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:32,397
No!
515
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,652
Now practice preening
to the crowd, El Guapo.
516
00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:39,905
(grunting)
517
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:42,115
Come on, preen harder!
518
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,117
Make them hate you!
519
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:45,702
You feed on their hatred
520
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,162
and you are so hungry!
521
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,164
(grunting)
522
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,876
(grunting)
523
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,213
{\an8}BART: No me gusta.
Oh, que lástima!
524
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:39,631
Shh!
525
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:41,717
{\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA
526
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,845
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem