1
00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:06,169
The Simpsons.

2
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Welcome to Matinee of Blood
and Commercials.

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I am your hostess, Booberella.

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I hope you enjoy our
Labor Day Marathon of Murder

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because soon, you have
to go back to school.

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School!

7
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Back to school?

8
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Oh, my God. I've wasted
the whole summer.

9
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,648
There are so many things
I still want to do!

10
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,569
You think
you're behind?

11
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If it weren't
for my trick knee,

12
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I'd do them both right now.

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I've gotta squeeze a whole summer
of carefree fun into one day.

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Win baseball game.

15
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You're up, Simpson.
Be careful.

16
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That kid on the pitcher's
mound is really 22.

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Son, you have time
for the pizza party?

18
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Sure. Why not?

19
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That's Grease.

20
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Sit on it, Springfield!
Yeah!

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See summer blockbuster.

22
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Get outta my face,
you raggedy maggots.

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Oh, so, that's why everyone's
been saying that all summer.

24
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No, not yet. I have to
have a summer romance.

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I'll never forget you.

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Gotta go.

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I just had
my first kiss.

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When you get to third base,
I'll buy you a beer.

29
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Well, now it's time
for my summer activity.

30
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You all promised we
could go to a museum.

31
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I'm so glad you picked the
Museum of Natural History, Mom.

32
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Well, I'm so glad there's a
show we women can enjoy.

33
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Weaving? Homer,
you're my father.

34
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You're supposed to protect
me from things like this.

35
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All right.
Just this once

36
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you can take a drink out
of my special water bottle.

37
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What?

38
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Sorry, loom-wads.
New exhibit's in town.

39
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Whoo-hoo!
Weapons!

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Bart, it's still history.

41
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Not if I spend the whole time
running around like this.

42
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Die, weapons, die!

43
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Don't start
the exhibit without me.

44
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Look at that line.

45
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Time to do
what I do best,

46
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ruin it for everybody.

47
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Hey, Flanders. Thanks
for saving our place.

48
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But wait, wait. Hold the
phone there, Homer...

49
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Oh, dude.
I was totally here.

50
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You calling me a liar
in front of my kids?

51
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Because I'd take a bullet for
you, man, right in the mouth.

52
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Oh, fine.
Take the cut.

53
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Ned Flanders
is doling out cuts?

54
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I for one wish
to partake of said.

55
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Hey, if Boner here is getting
cuts, I want 'em, too!

56
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Disco Stu slides
in front of you.

57
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,320
Hey, that rhymes.

58
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Tell you what.

59
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If we turn around, it'll feel like
we're at the front of the line.

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Yay!

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Oh, no you don't!

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I'm everywhere.

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IMAX 3D Films presents...

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Nunchucks:
Cool But Useless.

65
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The nunchuck was invented thousands
of years ago by a Chinese monk.

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Artifacts of the time indicate
that this incident was hilarious.

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Wow!
This 3D is amazing.

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You can actually feel the face.

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Go ahead, Maggie.

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You're allowed to touch
the deadly weapons.

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Oh, it's a mugger! I'll hand
over all my hugs and kisses.

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Okay, be cool. I've got
some candy in my purse.

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Stop!

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Come on, Milhouse. Do you want
to play in the NBA or not?

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Bart, my arm's out
of its thing.

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That means it's working.

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Whassup?

78
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You're leaving already?

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We haven't
even gotten in yet.

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Sorry' Flanders,
but when you get in,

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you can use my audio tour
narrated by Melanie Griffith.

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This room's nice.
Let's go into the next one.

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This room's nice, too.

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This room's nice.
This room's nice, too.

85
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This room's nice, too.
This room's nice.

86
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This room's nice.
This room's nice, too.

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Sorry, folks.

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The weapons exhibit
is now closed for the day.

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Yay?

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Sorry. No "Ya?"

91
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But you can all feel free to
enjoy the rest of the museum.

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Evolution.

93
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Excuse me.

94
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How can you put up an exhibit
on the origin of man,

95
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and not have one
mention of the Bible?

96
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Oh, we do.

97
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My most cherished
beliefs' a myth?

98
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Daddy, was Mommy
a monkey?

99
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I can't remember.

100
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No one was
ever a monkey!

101
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Everything is what it was
and always will be.

102
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God put us here
and that's that.

103
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But you said
a stork brought me.

104
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Yeah, that was God
disguised as a stork.

105
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Who brings baby storks?

106
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There's no
such thing as storks!

107
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It's all God!

108
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Please bless Daddy
and Roddy...

109
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Stop praying
to that stork!

110
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They're telling people we're
descended from a pack of apes

111
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even though there's nothing
about it in the Bible!

112
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Ned, you've gotta take this
thing with a grain of salt.

113
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I mean, come on.

114
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Tim, this controversy could
put more meat in the seats.

115
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Well, our membership
has been dwindling

116
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since those Episcopalians
put in those vibrating pews.

117
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Evolution is
the hot button issue.

118
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We need to mobilize
our flock.

119
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They'll be hanging
on your every word.

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I'll be
a white Al Sharpton!

121
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Why does every church
meeting end this way?

122
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We want you to teach alternative
theories to Darwinian evolution.

123
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You mean
Lamarckian evolution?

124
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No. The Adam
and Eve one.

125
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Ha! And what if
I say no?

126
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I believe you leased
your Camry

127
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from Christian
Brothers Auto?

128
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No! That was
a once-in-a-lifetime APR!

129
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Class, starting today,
we will be presenting

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00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,770
an alternative theory
on the origin of man.

131
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Creationism?

132
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But that's not science.

133
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It is now.

134
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Are oceans God's tears?

135
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They sure are.
A-plus.

136
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,569
Now Lisa's the Ralph.

137
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,966
How can you teach the Book of
Genesis as a scientific theory?

138
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,805
Mmm. This helpful video
will evade all your questions.

139
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,723
Eyes screen-ward!

140
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:28,921
Let's say hi to two books.

141
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,970
One, the Bible,
was written by our Lord.

142
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,131
The other,
The Origin of Species,

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was written by a cowardly
drunk named Charles Darwin.

144
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This is slander!

145
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Darwin was one of the
greatest minds of all time!

146
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Then why is he
making out with Satan?

147
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,568
Evolution is widely acknowledged
as scientific fact!

148
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,007
It's even accepted
by prominent conservatives

149
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,084
like George Will and the
late Pope John Paul!

150
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,364
That's something
to think about.

151
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:07,851
The George Will?

152
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,922
Lisa, you've said
quite enough.

153
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,287
Children, drown her out with
whistling and arm flatulence.

154
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,050
All I'm saying is...

155
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,044
What's wrong, sweetie?

156
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,203
They're making us learn
creation theory in school.

157
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,205
Today we had a test and every
answer was "God did it."

158
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:40,365
Well, I think it's good to give
both ideas a fair hearing.

159
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Maybe they could learn
from each other.

160
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,242
But they're incompatible!

161
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Lisa, lots of times two incompatible
things can both be true.

162
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,806
My son's a brat but
he's a special little guy.

163
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,166
Your father says
he's at work

164
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,811
but there he is jumping
on a trampoline.

165
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,962
Morn, you really
have to choose here

166
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,963
between science
and belief.

167
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,401
Well, then I choose...

168
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,049
So according
to creationism,

169
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there were
no cavemen.

170
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,770
Good riddance. Their drawings
suck and they look like hippies.

171
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,083
Dad, you're not really
reconsidering evolution, are you?

172
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,243
My mind is always
open to new ideas.

173
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,244
Onions in the peas?
What the hell?

174
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,126
It is agreed

175
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regular people can park
in handicapped spaces

176
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,328
if they're just running in
to buy smokes

177
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,926
or maybe some
Pop-Tarts for tomorrow.

178
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The system works.

179
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,842
And if there's no
further business,

180
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I hereby declare
this meeting...

181
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I have an issue
I'd like to raise.

182
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Curse my slow gaveling.

183
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,968
Last week, the unscientific
theory of creationism

184
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,168
was introduced
alongside evolution

185
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in Springfield
public schools.

186
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,805
Now honestly,
the Bible's about

187
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,360
the same age as, uh,
the rest of our textbooks.

188
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,763
Evolution and creationism
cannot coexist, people.

189
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,605
It is time to go back
to teaching one single truth!

190
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,684
Homer's son's
sister is right!

191
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,249
Class, the town
has spoken.

192
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,961
From now on, we're only teaching
one theory, creationism.

193
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,323
Now please, hand in your evolution
books to Groundskeeper Willie

194
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,721
while I beat
this ominous drum.

195
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,323
Ah, there seems to be
a note on your locker.

196
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,289
From a secret
admirer perhaps.

197
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,885
Mmm, don't make
me laugh.

198
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:05,281
“L.M.S”
Who could it be?

199
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,761
Little Moe Szyslak?

200
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,045
Why does everybody
call me that?

201
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,043
Bunch of snot-faced
puke bags!

202
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,090
I'm so glad you
could all come.

203
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:32,688
I will be reading to you from The
Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.

204
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,407
Oh! I thought we were gonna
light spiders on fire.

205
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:37,961
We're over here.

206
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,484
Y'all have a nice day.

207
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,480
"Chapter One. When we
compare the individuals

208
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,324
"of the same variety
or sub-variety

209
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,085
"of our older cultivated
plants and animals..."

210
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,890
Lisa Simpson.
You're under arrest

211
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,367
for the teaching of
non-Biblical science.

212
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,240
There are so many
worse crimes.

213
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,368
Why are you
persecuting me?

214
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,887
Uh, well, we only have the manpower
to enforce the last law passed.

215
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,769
You know, it's not
the best system but...

216
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,002
Well, in fact, it's, uh...
It's pretty much the worst.

217
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,925
You live. You die.

218
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,320
In the old days, we would've
been all over that.

219
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,291
This is Kent Brockman reporting
live from the trial of.

220
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,203
God v. Lisa Simpson.

221
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,841
Defending Ms. Simpson is ACLU-appointed
liberal, Clarice Drummond.

222
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:38,046
I'm from New York.

223
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,727
And prosecuting
the case against Lisa

224
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,804
is humble country lawyer,
Wallace Brady.

225
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:48,561
As the little chicken said to his
mama, I just hope I don't cluck up.

226
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,764
I think it's fair to say
if that man doesn't win,

227
00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,569
I'm resigning
from the jury.

228
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,923
This is Kent Brockman,
juror number seven, saying,

229
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,843
"I'll have the roast beef
for lunch."

230
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,725
So, does this theory of evolution
necessarily mean that there is no God?

231
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:06,881
No, of course not.

232
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,961
It just says that God is an
impotent nothing from nowhere

233
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,805
with less power than the
undersecretary of agriculture,

234
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,769
who has very little power
in our system.

235
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,485
Now, sir, you are a
scientist, correct?

236
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,531
Oh, that's right. I have a Ph.D.
in truthology from Christian Tech.

237
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,641
Move over, Carl.
I got a new hero.

238
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,569
Yeah. This'll last
about a day.

239
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:39,129
So as a scientist, what is your
take on this "devil-ution"?

240
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,281
Pure hogwash.

241
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,567
If man evolved from monkeys,
there'd be evidence.

242
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,928
But when we look at the fossil
record, here's what we see.

243
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,604
A missing link.

244
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,967
I believe, right now, this
gentleman's having dinner

245
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,690
with the tooth fairy
and the Easter bunny.

246
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,889
This is the break in the
case we've been waiting for!

247
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,485
I mean, he doesn't exist.

248
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,722
Evolution is just a lot
of that Hollywood hooey.

249
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,884
Well, I've heard
enough for today.

250
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,042
I have to judge a wet T-shirt
contest in 20 minutes.

251
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,851
This trial is
the biggest load of...

252
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,045
Oh, for crying out loud!

253
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:21,364
Now, Bambi, who started that
forest fire that killed your mama?

254
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,851
Evolution?

255
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:24,684
My, my, my.

256
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,446
Poor Bambi.
Poor Thumper.

257
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,650
I'm sorry, Mom.

258
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,690
I should have just gone with
the flow like you said.

259
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,971
Well, I might as well see
what all the fuss is about.

260
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,924
Homer...
Homer, please.

261
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,731
I love it when you're not into it.
Oh, yeah, baby.

262
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,884
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Ignore me.

263
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,325
I'm not even here.

264
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,281
Wow. Darwin's argument
is incredibly persuasive.

265
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,725
And his ship was the Beagle,

266
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,326
which reminds me of Snoopy,
my favorite Peanut.

267
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,161
Lisa, I think I have a way to
help you at the trial today.

268
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:26,480
So do I.

269
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,046
Milhouse will serve the time for
you while you flee to Mexico.

270
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,964
Your new name?
Senorita Ugly.

271
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,203
Honey, I appreciate the thought
but just leave everything to me.

272
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,767
You can take off
the wig, Milhouse.

273
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,046
I'm Nelson.

274
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,804
Now, Mr. Flanders, you're
familiar with the Bible, correct?

275
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,201
As familiar as
it's proper to be.

276
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,810
Don't worry, Lisa.

277
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,486
I've got the answer to
your problems right here.

278
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,171
Look, Homie.
I brought you a beer.

279
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,241
Thanks, Marge.

280
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,526
It's not a twist-off.

281
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,648
Come on.

282
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,008
And you are positive that man
and ape cannot be related?

283
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,890
As sure as I am that
Jesus hates hip-hop!

284
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,328
Come on, open.
I want what's in you!

285
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,331
As a matter...
Want you...

286
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,561
Homer.
Stupid.

287
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,160
Homer, I'm trying to...

288
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,086
Would you shut your yap,
you big monkey-faced gorilla!

289
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,080
Mr. Flanders, you've sworn
to tell the truth.

290
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,488
Can you say that this man could not
possibly be related to that ape?

291
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:48,686
You win, Lisa.

292
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,046
This court hereby rules

293
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,966
that the law forbidding the
teaching of evolution is repealed.

294
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,364
Oh, wait.
It was a twist-off.

295
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,728
Oh, thanks, Mom.

296
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,531
Thank you, honey,
for opening my eyes.

297
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,405
I can't wait to see what
evolution will make next.

298
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,323
Maybe a bird
with a people face,

299
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,528
or a bear with pants on.

300
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,726
Let's go, boys.

301
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,689
Your poor old
Popsicle's been licked.

302
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,649
Mr. Flanders, wait.

303
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,802
I want you to know
I respect your beliefs

304
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,486
and I can see how deeply
you feel about them.

305
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,245
I just don't think religion
should be taught in our schools,

306
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,483
any more than you'd want
scientists teaching at the church.

307
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,048
Well, I wish this
world would evolve

308
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,168
a few more kids
like you, Lisa.

309
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,322
What say we take
our worthy adversary

310
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,801
out for a hot fudge
fun-day?

311
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,251
Cram it, ya God-wad.

312
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:44,321
Wha...