1 00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:06,489 The Simpsons. 2 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,124 Good news, children. 3 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,969 This Friday, we'll be holding 4 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,202 a school-wide medieval festival. 5 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,369 Medieval? Like Lord of the Rings? 6 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,561 No. Not at all. 7 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,201 Can't we just keep going forward in our textbooks? 8 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,762 No! Now I've already assigned each of you a role in the medieval court. 9 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,763 Martin, you shall be our king. 10 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,891 I shall pattern my reign on Enguerrand the Seventh, Sire de Coucy! 11 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,450 Tralloo trallay! 12 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,644 Not so fast, Nelson. 13 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,962 You're one of King Martin's guards. 14 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,090 You'll pay for this! My Liege. 15 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:08,041 What am I gonna be? Black Knight? Court Ninja? Bart the Impaler! 16 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,049 Bart, you'll be playing the village cooper. 17 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,320 What kind of a knight is that? 18 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,410 The kind of knight that makes barrels and isn't a knight. Ha! 19 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:18,247 Ay, caramba! Well, this stinks. 20 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,322 But I bet Lisa got something even stupider. 21 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,368 All hail the Queen! 22 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,769 Now, as queen, you shall be entitled 23 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,366 to eat the same French fries the teachers do. 24 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,284 The ones made from potatoes? 25 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,010 The very same. 26 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,488 My coat of arms is a Spiderman couchant on a field vert. 27 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:45,131 What's "couchant" mean? 28 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,486 Lying down. 29 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,449 You mean like you? 30 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,090 Now what does "vert" mean? 31 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:51,891 Say it means punching. 32 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,244 Oh, Willie, during the festival, 33 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,607 you'll be wearing these urine-soaked rags. 34 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,211 You're the village idiot. 35 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,171 Now, allow me to apply this rubber cement to your face 36 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,561 to represent the ravages of plague. 37 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,609 Ach! My face! 38 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:15,090 What drunken call girl will have me now? Oh! 39 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:20,800 Now, peasants, 40 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:21,961 since the Middle Ages 41 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,771 had no compact disks or Super Mario men, 42 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,169 people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. 43 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,129 So let history come alive. 44 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:31,971 Yeah! 45 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,566 Wait! Let me take out my contact lenses! 46 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:39,243 Pelt all you want. But revenge will be Willie's! 47 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,971 That was a stapler! 48 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,248 Dragon in the dungeon. 49 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,962 Maiden in my lair. 50 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,611 There's potions in my Wizard's pot. 51 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,523 Now drink it if you dare. 52 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:53,726 Lute solo! 53 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,843 Yeah! 54 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,204 Cooper! More pink lemon-ale! 55 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,368 Cooper, thy staves are not flush. 56 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,440 Whoa! 57 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,050 You'll pay for this, my queen. 58 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,884 Guards, take him to the tower! 59 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,131 Where is the tower? 60 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,049 It's the backseat of my Merkur. 61 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,202 There's 37 cents in the coin caddy 62 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,850 and stay out of my diary! 63 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,651 Quiet, my pretties. 64 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,485 Soon, we'll have revenge on those who mocked me! 65 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,001 Also on those who were kind to me. 66 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,721 And on the parents who took time from their busy schedules 67 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,280 to make today such a success. 68 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,164 Oh, I hate them all! 69 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,800 Noble idiot, bring in the pie! 70 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,122 I dedicate this pie to the backbone of the feudal system. 71 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,486 The serfs! 72 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,723 Scary McBeasties, nibble and gnaw at their overstuffed buttocks! 73 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,530 Milhouse, don't open your mouth! 74 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,290 Whoa! 75 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:23,924 This is no accident. 76 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,446 Nice party, dink. 77 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,010 You're responsible for this, Simpson. 78 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,605 No way! I didn't do it! 79 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,286 Unlike all the other stuff I told you I didn't do which I did. 80 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,647 Bart, I'm sick of playing the tomfool! 81 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,849 You are hereby expelled from Springfield Elementary! 82 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,407 Boy, I can't believe you got expelled! 83 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,488 Well, don't expect to spend all week 84 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,722 lying around on the couch like a bum! 85 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,325 'Cause that's my thing! 86 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,960 Bart, a school-sponsored medieval festival 87 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,930 is supposed to be the best day of a young girl's life. 88 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,520 And you ruined it! You deserved to be expelled! 89 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,125 I didn't do it! 90 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,770 Mom, you believe me, don't you? 91 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,046 Bart, I love you. 92 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,600 But sometimes ldon%love your choices. 93 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,929 Now we have to find another school for you. 94 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,764 And if you get kicked out of that one, 95 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,410 you're going straight in the army 96 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,802 where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. 97 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,486 Where will it be? North Korea, Iran? 98 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,848 Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge! 99 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,521 Bart, this could be a good new school. 100 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,171 Oakwood Academy! Huh? 101 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,049 Mom, that's a school for the blind. 102 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,730 Think of the leg up you'd have. 103 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,882 How can we afford any of these private schools? 104 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,325 They're all so expensive. 105 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,602 If we want to throw good money after bad, 106 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,286 why don't we just get Grampa that new pacemaker? 107 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,644 I need two double-A batteries, now! 108 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,166 Get 'em from the smoke detector. 109 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,805 What if there's a fire? 110 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,689 The smoke will wake us up. 111 00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:53,526 How about this one? St. Jerome's Catholic School. 112 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,763 Catholic schools are usually the most affordable private schools. 113 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,123 Catholic school, eh? That'll straighten you out, boy. 114 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:05,087 There you don't just get bad grades, you go to hell! 115 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,805 Oh! Oh, no! 116 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,368 My pacemaker! 117 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,811 Classic Grampa! 118 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,128 Class, we have a new student. 119 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,362 Bart, would you like to introduce yourself? 120 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,041 Hi, I'm Bart Simpson. Ay, caramba. Do the Bartman, et cetera, et cetera. 121 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,731 In the old days, we'd use a ruler 122 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,087 to deal with incorrigibles like you. 123 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,004 Thanks for the history lesson, Sis. 124 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,321 These days, we use a yardstick! 125 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,248 I'll show you. I'll move 33 inches away. 126 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,322 A yard's 36! 127 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,084 Now you tell me. 128 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,687 I don't know what they taught you in public school. 129 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:01,847 But at St. Jerome's, 130 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,809 we don't tolerate back sass. 131 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,008 Stretch out your arms like our Lord on the cross. 132 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,521 Now hold these dictionaries. 133 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,764 Now think what it would be like 134 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,490 if you had nails in your hands. 135 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,087 Well, I guess they'd help me hold the dictionaries up. 136 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,161 Wrong answer! 137 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,325 Stupid Catholic school. 138 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,161 Suffering from my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here. 139 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,682 So, it's sacrilege you're spoutin' now. 140 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,046 What's it to you, Irish? 141 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,281 My name's Father Sean. 142 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,283 And I used to be an ornery wee cuss myself. 143 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,160 Until one day after a drunken brawl with me dad... 144 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,963 You're just like your mother! Can't take a punch! 145 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,443 I was laying in the gutter picking up my teeth 146 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,921 when Saint Peter himself appears before me. 147 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,729 Sean, you wanker... He says. 148 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,723 Repent of your wicked ways or sod off. 149 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,282 Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a streetlight. 150 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,522 And that's how I came to the Church. 151 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,730 Well, I'm only here because I got blamed for a prank I didn't do! 152 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,169 Call me crazy, but I believe you. 153 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,645 You do? Of course I do. 154 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,088 You know, lots of church types started off as rotten wee buggers. 155 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,766 St. Augustine himself got his start stealing pears. 156 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:13,881 Stealing pairs of what? 157 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,002 Hubcaps, Reeboks, human eyes? 158 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,730 It's all in here. See for yourself. 159 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,127 Cool! 160 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:23,847 Sister Thomasina, 161 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,201 I've taken the liberty of knocking the vinegar out of him. 162 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,289 He's all yours. Yeah, whatever. 163 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,402 Now, class, open your math books 164 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,005 to the word problems of our Lord. 165 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,602 "Billy and Joseph start their penance at the same time. 166 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,889 "If each swear word brings 1,000 years in hell..." 167 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,321 "Saint Sebastian was a pious Roman soldier. 168 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,209 "For preaching Christianity to the Romans, 169 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,490 "the Emperor Diocletian sentenced him to death by hail of arrows." 170 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,767 Now it's payback time! 171 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,127 I wish I'd gone to more orgies. 172 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,521 Wow! This stuff is great! 173 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,001 It's way better than the comics I get at the dentist! 174 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,801 Then Father Sean quoted Eminem in his sermon. 175 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,216 And in art class, we painted Saint Joan burning at the stake. 176 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,730 And mine was the grossest. 177 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,564 Catholics rock! 178 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,724 Bart, I'm glad you had fun. 179 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,565 But I wouldn't get too into that Catholic church 180 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,564 with all the sitting and standing and kneeling. 181 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,643 It's like Simon Says without a winner. 182 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,643 Mom, that's blasphemy. 183 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:31,801 I'll say a rosary for you. 184 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,167 Don't you touch bead one! 185 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,001 Homer, maybe we should be concerned. 186 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,361 Catholics can be a peculiar bunch. 187 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,727 No birth control, no meat on Friday. 188 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,691 No meat? What do they eat? Light bulbs? 189 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,762 Let's just change the subject. 190 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,444 Bart, would you like to say grace? 191 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,601 Yes'm. 192 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,921 In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti. 193 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,360 Bart, what the hell are you saying? 194 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,165 That's Latin, Dad. The language of Plutarch. 195 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,326 Mickey Mouse's dog? 196 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,205 No. Plutarch! 197 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,681 He chronicled the lives of the Roman emperors. 198 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,281 Oh! I didn't need that new fact! 199 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,601 Now I forgot who won Bud Bowl VIII. 200 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,206 Boy, I'm pulling you out of that crazy school! 201 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,241 Hey! 202 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,606 I'm Bart Simpson's father. 203 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,126 And I'm sick of you teaching my son your time-tested values. 204 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,089 Hey, what's that smell? 205 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,731 We're having our monthly pancake dinner. Care to join us? 206 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,728 You've transformed breakfast into dinner. 207 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,325 It's a miracle! 208 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,124 Log Cabin, full of taste, my stomach is with thee. 209 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,168 Blessed art thou among syrups. And bless... 210 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:36,725 No praying to the condiments! 211 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,731 Que buenos cake-os de pan-o! 212 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,522 Oh, boy! Oh. Yeah! Good! 213 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,482 All pancakes aside, I really came here to talk about my son. 214 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,642 I understand. But can it wait until after Bingo? 215 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,927 Bingo? That's my favorite game. 216 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,162 I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. 217 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,322 "Bingo." That's my favorite game. 218 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,687 I just can't remember what to yell out when you win. 219 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,922 Oh! How about you just say, "Yay, I won!" 220 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,047 Bingo! 221 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,846 I've never seen such masterful Bingo playing. 222 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,763 What's your secret, Homer? 223 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,843 You have to cheat! 224 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,965 Uh, listen. 225 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,687 Is it true you priest guys can't ever... 226 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,725 You know... 227 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,848 I'll admit, the vow of celibacy 228 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,524 is one of our sterner challenges. 229 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,371 Celibacy? I was talking about the meat on Friday thing! 230 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,161 Man, you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video! 231 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,368 Well, that's true. But if you do break a rule, 232 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,206 you can always find absolution in the sacrament of confession. 233 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,521 Wait, wait, wait. No matter what I did, 234 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,208 no matter how many people lost their pensions, it's forgiven like that? 235 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,408 If you truly repent, then yes. 236 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,729 Okay! Let's make some magic here. 237 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,724 I wiped a booger on your shirt. I made a dog and a cat kiss. 238 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,201 I swiped a bolted down TV from a Holiday Inn, 239 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,726 I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, 240 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,290 I masturbated eight billion times, 241 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,520 and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. 242 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,800 Whoo-hoo! I'm clean! In your face, Lord! 243 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,809 Um, not quite, Mr. Simpson. 244 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,201 I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic. 245 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,881 Right. And how do I join? 246 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,570 Do I whale on some Unitarians? 247 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,563 Well, it's a little harder than that. 248 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,007 It begins by looking inside yourself. 249 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,565 But it ends with 250 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,165 bread and wine. Whoo-hoo! 251 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,768 Homer, you've been out all night. 252 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,281 And you look like you've accepted someone 253 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,362 as your personal something. 254 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,130 Were you at that Catholic church? 255 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,010 Look, Marge. I know I was supposed to yell at that priest. 256 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,161 But he's so cool! 257 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,447 He plays drums in a band with a bunch of other priests! 258 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,927 I knew they'd try to convert you! 259 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,604 That's what they do! 260 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,802 Well, I'm not having another 12 kids! 261 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:52,841 Marge, no one is saying 12. Nine, 10, tops. See? 262 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,766 Forget it! 263 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,684 And you know, I went to a Catholic wedding once. 264 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,525 The incense ruined my pantsuit! 265 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,966 Marge, relax. 266 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,725 I never heard of anyone getting so upset about religion. 267 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,286 Marge is here all alone. 268 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,443 I heard her son is Catholic now. Her husband, too. 269 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,483 Marge, all by yourself today? 270 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,530 Well, Homer and Bart are... 271 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,965 Well, they're under the weather. 272 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,371 Under the weather? 273 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,886 Or under the spell of a man in a pointy white hat? 274 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,123 All right. I admit it! They're both at the Catholic church! 275 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,565 Reverend, what should I do? 276 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,404 Marge, this calls for an emergency meeting 277 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,811 of the church's spiritual council. 278 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,081 To Stuckey's! 279 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,845 Bart and Homer can't go Catholic. 280 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,200 Romans have been separate from us 281 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,163 since the Schism of Lourdes in 1573. 282 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,765 And that was about our holy right 283 00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,251 to come to church with wet hair! 284 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,890 Which we've since abolished. 285 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,931 I guess it's good that they're taking an interest in spirituality. 286 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,484 Oh, spirituality's great, Marge. Hey, I'm Mr. Spiritual. 287 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,168 But remember, a different faith means a different afterlife. 288 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,925 Marge Simpson, welcome to Protestant Heaven. 289 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,888 Through in one? Hurrah. 290 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,450 Poppy, have you seen Dash? 291 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,284 Where's Homer and Bart? 292 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,731 Wow! Up here, that feels good! 293 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,242 Now dance, you heavenly gobs! 294 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,331 Oh, I wish my family was with me. 295 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,767 Sorry, Marge. They're just not our sort. 296 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,081 Well, then I'd like to speak with Jesus. 297 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,730 I'm afraid he's gone native. 298 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,606 Whoa! Stop it! 299 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,205 Guys, I'm serious! 300 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,370 No! 301 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,365 Don't worry, Marge. We'll get your boy back. 302 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,320 Excuse me. That better be decaf. 303 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,765 The rim is orange, ain't it? 304 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,207 Or does under-tipping make you color blind? 305 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,290 Her husband's sleeping with her sister. 306 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,646 Who said that? 307 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,047 So now what do we call it when the communion wafer becomes the body of Christ? 308 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,411 Hey! Yes, Homer? 309 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,641 Transubstantiation. 310 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:50,807 Very good. 311 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,531 He cheated. He's got it written on his arm. 312 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,249 Welcome to the jungle, Kevin! 313 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,763 First communion? 314 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,410 Oh, we've gotta stop 'em now! 315 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,767 Once they seal the deal, there's no turning back! 316 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,842 Just like the Jews with their snippety-snip. 317 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,366 Bart, get your things! You're leaving with me! 318 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,642 Sorry, Mom. But this is a Catholic church. 319 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,210 Chicks don't have any authority here. 320 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,921 Mrs. Simpson, please. If there's a problem, I'm sure we can talk it over. 321 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,804 Back off, Pope-y LaPew! 322 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,723 Marge, what are you doing here? 323 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,320 Homer, you're physically an adult. 324 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,971 And what you do in the privacy of your own soul 325 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,041 is your business. 326 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,169 But I didn't change Bart's diapers for five years 327 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,890 to see him become a Catholic! 328 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,963 I thought there was a monster in the potty. 329 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,804 Let's go! 330 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,931 I think we've lost them. 331 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,525 They weren't following us. 332 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,762 Then why did I drive through that barn? 333 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,441 Oh! Why did you guys have to take me away? 334 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,120 You're always nagging me to go to church. 335 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,168 And now that I am, it's the wrong one. 336 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,681 I just don't think your father's the right person 337 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,489 to pick out a religion for you. 338 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,410 Okay. I'll pick a religion for me. Judaism. 339 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,364 Don't have a cow, man. 340 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,125 Don't have a cow, man Don't have a cow, man. 341 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,805 Have a piece of fish Oy! 342 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,322 Bart, we're here to bring you back to the one true faith, 343 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,644 the Western Branch of American Reform Presbylutheranism. 344 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,241 Hello, Homer. 345 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,924 Marge, you bring Bart home now! 346 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,480 Once you go Vatican, you can't go back again! 347 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,931 It wasn't a fair fight! 348 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,731 Your church suckered him in with gory stories! 349 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,451 Just like we were suckered into getting Cinemax! 350 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,489 Face it, Marge. Catholics rule. 351 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,370 We got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, 352 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,284 and we're making serious inroads in Mozambique, baby! 353 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,722 Well, I'm gonna show Bart that Protestants can be hip, too. 354 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,167 How do you like those croutons? 355 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,371 Oh! Why does that woman thwart my sporadic interest in my children? 356 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,410 Shouldn't Bart and I be able to choose our own religion if we want to? 357 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,648 Strange as it sounds, Dad, I agree with you. 358 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,002 Everyone should be able to choose their faith. 359 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,684 Just like I chose Buddhism. 360 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,250 Buddhism? 361 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,491 VVell, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends. 362 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,846 I'll ignore that. 363 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,769 In fact, I'm gonna help you. 364 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,161 I have a pretty good idea where they are. 365 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,089 We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. 366 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,885 If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever. 367 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,803 Well, except for, you know... 368 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,801 Now, Bart, isn't this the kind of religion 369 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,645 you'd like to be a part of for all eternity? 370 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,042 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, 371 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,361 hot off their conversion to Christianity, 372 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,571 the band once known as Quiet Riot, Pious Riot! 373 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,811 Come on, feel the Lord. 374 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,965 Heaven's your reward. 375 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,328 We'll get saved, saved, saved. 376 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,690 What's wrong, Bart? You love youth culture. 377 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,444 Mom, a religion isn't cool 378 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,763 just because they've glommed onto some crappy rock band from the 1940s. 379 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,486 Hey, we've played more state fairs than The Beatles! 380 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,840 Yeah, that's right. That's right. 381 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,604 You just don't get it. 382 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,002 I've made a sacred commitment to the Catholic Church and... 383 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,929 Paintball! Awesome! 384 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,170 Die! Die! Die! 385 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,611 Oh, Bart, I knew one of these dumb things would work. 386 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,204 My hive! My trademark hive! 387 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,444 Hop in, boy. We'll show your mother 388 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,249 our God kicks her God's butt. 389 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,051 Back off, you servants of the Holy See! 390 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,129 Easy on the zeal, church-os. 391 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,123 I've got something to say. 392 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,651 Don't you get it? 393 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,127 It's all Christianity, people. 394 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,681 The little stupid differences are nothing 395 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,047 next to the big stupid similarities! 396 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,282 He's right! Can't we all get together 397 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,169 and concentrate on our real enemies? 398 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,811 Monogamous gays and stem cells? 399 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,360 Well said, mate. Put 'er there. 400 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,170 My pleasure. 401 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,244 Note to self, have hand re-blessed. 402 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,971 Bart, you've taught us all an important lesson. 403 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,484 We Christians have been niggling over details for far too long. 404 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,006 Amen. And I hope that from this day forward, 405 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,642 we all learn to take Bart's message of tolerance and understanding to heart. 406 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,644 We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, 407 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,764 preached a message of tolerance and love. 408 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,682 We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace 409 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,924 before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse, 410 00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,164 and pulled apart by snowmobiles until he died. 411 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,050 Eat my shorts! 412 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,650 Cowabunga!