1
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The Simpsons.

2
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Welcome back to
Promiscuous ldiots lsland

3
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on Fox, the home of
Promiscuous ldiots.

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Last week on Pll,
our billionaire bachelor

5
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gave five lovely ladies
a rose of continuation.

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And he hurled a rock
of rejection at anyone

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displaying intelligence,
character, or ethnicity.

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Tonight, we reveal
a shocking secret.

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Ladies, when you
were selected,

10
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you were told
that you'd be dating

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a billionaire on
his private island.

12
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Well, I'm afraid
we misled you.

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Get ready, skanks.
Here comes the truth train!

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This isn't an island.
It's a peninsula.

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This was supposed
to be about trust!

16
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I just want to get on
that boat and go home!

17
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Well, you don't need a boat
because you can walk.

18
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Yeah.

19
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What do those women expect?

20
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When you sign
a contract with Fox,

21
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you know you're gonna be
betrayed and humiliated.

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Quiet! The commercial's on!

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If we don't watch these,
it's like we're stealing TV.

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Do you love that sweet smell
of Farmer Billy's bacon?

25
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Do I ever?

26
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Would you like to
see how a pig goes

27
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from loving life to
your fork and knife?

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Would I?

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Well, if you open up
one of these here packages

30
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and find a golden ticket,
you get a tour

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of Farmer Billy's
bacon factory.

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You'II see the hoof grinder,
the marrow sluice,

33
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and of course, the five-story pig
shredder blessed by three popes.

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If you like bacon,
you're gonna love it.

35
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And if you don't like bacon,
well, then the hell with ya!

36
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I'm going to find that golden
ticket and win that tour!

37
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The only thing that can
make bacon more delicious

38
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is seeing how it's made!

39
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Okay. Farmer Billy's
slow-killed bacon.

40
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Farmer Billy's
bacon-fed bacon,

41
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Farmer Billy's travel bacon...

42
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Mr. Simpson, if you
really want to kill yourself,

43
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I also sell handguns.

44
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Nope. Just looking
for that golden ticket.

45
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Nope. Nothing. Nope. Nada.

46
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The golden ticket!
At long last!

47
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Mr. Simpson, please! I fear
your smooches are premature.

48
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This, in fact, is a
silver ticket. Huh?

49
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"This silver ticket
entitles you

50
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"to judge the pig competition
at the Springfield County Fair."

51
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Hmm. Judge a pig competition?
But I'm no super genius.

52
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Or are I?

53
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These giant vegetables
are amazing.

54
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How about a bite of the
world's biggest Brussels sprout?

55
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This song is about
a country I love.

56
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You may have heard of it.
It's called America.

57
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Hey, I know that country!

58
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I could please
Miss Barbra Streisand.

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By spitting on the flag
Or strangling a bald eagle.

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On the cover of some mag.

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But I love this country.

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To me, she has no sins.

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If you don't buy my record.

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Then al-Qaeda wins.

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USA! USA!

66
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Of all the days
for you to get a zit.

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Comely. Succulent.

68
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Clearly had a snout job.

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Ugh! Too '80s.

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Let's see how
your sister's doing

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in the place-setting
competition.

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Place-setting?

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How is someone so lame
related to a hot tamale like me?

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Check it out! Dribble glass,
rubber knife, whoopee salad!

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And finally the breakaway
wine bottle...

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Did not arrive.

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My theme is "lf Music
be the Food of Love."

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The setting
features tuning forks,

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champagne flutes,
and of course, chopsticks.

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And for dessert,
Ella Fitz Jell-O.

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Lordy, girl.
Your entry stinks like

82
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the south end of
a northbound mule.

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What's wrong with it?

84
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Well, your place-setting
thinks it's better than it is.

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Like a yard dog that
sneaks into the house.

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Zing!

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Did I do anything right?

88
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Well, you did
put it on a table.

89
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Lookee here, it wobbles.

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Wobble, wobble, wobble...
Wobble, wobble, wobble...

91
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Wobble, wobble, wobble...

92
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This table's about as solid
as your underlying concept.

93
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No one does that
to my daughter!

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One more felony assault,
Simpson, and you're going down.

95
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I didn't know I could fit in a
bubble. I must be losing weight.

96
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Oh... But I gotta do
something! I'll need a disguise.

97
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Aw, there, there,
little darlin'.

98
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Dry those tears with this!

99
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Hold it right there!

100
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You've hurt
your last feeling!

101
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We all know pi-R-squared.

102
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But today, pie-are-justice.
I welcome it.

103
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Thank you, mysterious
stranger. Where did he go?

104
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Where were you, Homie?
You missed all the excitement.

105
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Shall we ever see Springfield's
costumed protector again?

106
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Oh, I have
a funny feeling we will.

107
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Wherever people are
mistreated, the Pie Man will strike!

108
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What you doing, sweetie?

109
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I'm drawing a picture
of my newest hero. Pie Man!

110
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Gee, I thought I had a bigger
package than that.

111
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That's really sweet, honey.

112
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Aw. Hey, let's turn
that frown upside down.

113
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Oh, Dad! I feel like
I'm gonna throw up!

114
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All right.
What's wrong, Son?

115
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Comic Book Guy made me pay
for these comics he said I smudged.

116
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But I didn't even touch 'em!

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Richie Rich
Incorporates in Delaware.

118
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Easy to Believe Tales.

119
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Supergirl vs.
The Glass Ceiling.

120
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The Green Listener.

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He was just
trying to unload these

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crappy comics on
a helpless kid.

123
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Somebody oughta take him down
a peg, or should I say "down a pie"?

124
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No, I think
the expression is "peg."

125
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Maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe
you're pie. Pie be you're pie.

126
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This magazine
you sold me isn't.

127
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Fantastic Four,
it's Fantastic Floor.

128
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My family can't put
in floors. We rent.

129
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Sorry. No refunds.

130
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Oh, brother. Why do we
get all the weirdoes here

131
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at the comic book store?

132
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Comic Book Guy, don't do the
crime if you can't do the key lime!

133
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How could this be
any more humiliating?

134
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Hello. I'm Nichelle Nichols
of Star Trek.

135
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,408
Oh! You finally accepted my
invitation for tea and chit chat.

136
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Ew. Listen, I said it to
Shatner and I'm saying it to you.

137
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There is no way I'm going to be
dating a man with pie on his face.

138
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There's a note!

139
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Finally, a superhero
that kids can love.

140
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What about Fist Face?

141
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Fist Face? Who's Fist Face?

142
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,768
Why won't you tell me
who Fist Face is?

143
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I demand you reveal
the identity of Fist Face!

144
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It's you!

145
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You can tell by the way
the pie tin sits on his face

146
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that he's very good-looking.

147
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Oh, I think you'd find
his filling extremely hot.

148
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Ooh! I bet he's Ned Flanders.

149
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Flanders?

150
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He's not man enough
to trim my crust!

151
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I mean Pie Man's crust!
I'm not Pie Man.

152
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Pie. Popular pastry,
tricky math thing

153
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,795
and now sword
of righteousness.

154
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A masked avenger
has been giving.

155
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Springfield's scoundrels
their just desserts!

156
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,552
This is for your show's slight
decline in quality over the years!

157
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In an attempt to
curb copycat pie-ings,

158
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the police have organized
a pie-for-guns exchange.

159
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The pies were immediately
detonated by the bomb squad.

160
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Aw! Those poor innocent pies.

161
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Some days you just don't
want to be a cop, you know?

162
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,570
I'm gonna go turn the siren
on. That always cheers me up.

163
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:20,536
That's good footage. Where
will the Pie Man strike next?

164
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,746
Perhaps at the Springfield
Children's Hospital,

165
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,040
which is tossing out
all its sick youngsters

166
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to make way for a new
cosmetic surgery clinic.

167
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:30,045
Who will treat
my whooping cough?

168
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:35,384
Search me. Come back
when you want a giant rack.

169
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:44,310
Okay, Lou. The minute Pie
Man shows up, we spring our trap.

170
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,437
Hey, what do you got
against this pie guy anyway?

171
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,272
He's giving jerks
their comeuppance.

172
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,983
Yeah, but he's skipping the
hardest part of being a cop.

173
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:52,609
Bike safety lectures.

174
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,069
Oh, come on, Chief.

175
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,821
No, no one ever
wants to hear about

176
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:57,489
the importance of
pants clips, do they?

177
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,657
Well yeah, but...

178
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:01,076
That's why
Pie Man is going down.

179
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,078
Thanks to this clinic,
we will no longer

180
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be terrorized
by the spectacle

181
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of women aging naturally.

182
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,546
Not so fast,
old-time liberal.

183
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,756
Get him!

184
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,842
Pie Man, no! It's a trap!

185
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:18,552
No trap can hold
Homer Simpson...

186
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,680
But I'm not Homer Simpson!
I'm the Pie Man!

187
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,641
Homer Simpson away!
I mean, the Pie Man!

188
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,730
Shoot to kill!

189
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,319
Oh! Damn it!

190
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,112
Oh, way to go, Lou.
You hit him!

191
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,989
What? You sound
like you're surprised.

192
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:42,326
I'm trying to give you
positive reinforcement, jerk.

193
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,453
What, and that's positive,
calling me a jerk?

194
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,080
Well, you are a jerk.

195
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,839
I'm not being trampled.
What gives?

196
00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:03,013
Uh, listen. I'm married.

197
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:16,151
I'm looking up your nose, but I
feel like I'm staring into your soul.

198
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:25,119
That was so exciting yet
familiar, like Coke with lemon.

199
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:40,801
Let's see. Cartilage.
Cartilage. Muscle. Nerve.

200
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,511
Artery. Bullet!

201
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,434
Dad?

202
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,770
Pie Man is not your father,
little girl.

203
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,690
I murdered your father.

204
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,484
Dad, please.
It's obvious you're Pie Man.

205
00:12:57,569 --> 00:12:59,049
We've been getting
his mail for weeks.

206
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,699
We shall continue this
conversation in the Pie Cave.

207
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:11,790
Watch it. One more step.
Welcome to my secret lair.

208
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,584
Dad, this is the basement.

209
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,711
Here's the iced tea I left
down here this afternoon.

210
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,172
So it would seem.
Anyhoo, I bet this

211
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,840
is all a pretty
big surprise, huh?

212
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,717
Mild-mannered
Homer Simpson...

213
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,552
You're not mild-mannered.

214
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,512
You're often
liquored up and rude.

215
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,014
Honorable men can differ.

216
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,974
Now what brings you
down here?

217
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,894
I want you to stop this, Dad,
before you get killed.

218
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,232
All right, I'll stop.

219
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,026
What'll I do with these pies?

220
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:40,777
Well, I know
one thing you could do.

221
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:44,865
I was in so deep
I forgot pies were food.

222
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,917
Simpson, you're late, bald, and
stupid. I'm docking you a day's pay.

223
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,001
What?

224
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,463
I'll show him.

225
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,717
No, I shouldn't. Or should I?

226
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:07,804
I'll keep my promise, honey.

227
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,348
No looking at
pictures of loved ones!

228
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:13,393
Mr. Burns... Bald-headed
little... Kill you, you...

229
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,354
No angry grumbling
under your breath!

230
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:20,776
Eat faster! Faster!
Swallow on your own time!

231
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,112
Won't someone help us?

232
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,406
Who will stand up
for Carl and Lenny?

233
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,537
Hey, Homer, throw me
at Mr. Burns.

234
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:36,166
No, throw me! I'm old and
stale! I might just kill him!

235
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,131
Don't do it, Homer.
You made a promise to Lisa.

236
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,443
Since when do
I listen to cakes?

237
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,551
Tell you what, Homer.

238
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,554
You make one last hit and then
you're out of the business forever.

239
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,681
Lisa would understand.

240
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:54,268
You're all so wise. I wish I could
eat each and every one of you.

241
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,812
Aw, we wish
you could eat us, too.

242
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,191
Hey!
Attention.

243
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:04,945
While you've been showering
here, I sold all your clothes.

244
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,197
Again?

245
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:10,075
I've run out of
pie-related puns!

246
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,372
He won't escape, sir.

247
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,098
Behold, Smithers,
your so-called Messiah.

248
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,391
Sir, I never...

249
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,768
I am the Pie Man...

250
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,729
I am Pie Man.

251
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,188
To the employee prison!

252
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:50,073
Now let's see
what we have here.

253
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:00,459
Simpson! You'll rue the
day you took that pie tin,

254
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,063
poked holes for eyes, and attached
a rubber band around the back!

255
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,481
It's not a rubber band,
it's a scrunchie.

256
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,505
Silence!

257
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:09,343
Or I'll chop you into suet for my
murderous gerbils and hamsters!

258
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,305
Wait! I have a better idea.

259
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,140
You'll work for me now.

260
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:16,308
I already work for you.

261
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:19,227
In addition to working in your
normal capacity at the plant,

262
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,230
you will also serve
as my personal hit man.

263
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,815
Do I get two paychecks?
No.

264
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,112
Here's your first assignment
to prove your loyalty.

265
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,697
But I promised
my daughter...

266
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,824
Do as I say!
Or I'll tell the police.

267
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,327
You'll do so much
community service.

268
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,996
No! Not community service!

269
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:41,833
I can't stand helping others!
I just can't!

270
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:46,004
Now open the folder.
It contains your next victim.

271
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,008
No, not him!
Anyone but him!

272
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,386
I've had my problems
with him. Everyone has.

273
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,764
But like every monster,
he just wants to be loved.

274
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,438
Come on.
It's cobblering time.

275
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,946
I can't sleep. I keep
thinking about the Pie Man.

276
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,698
Oh, me, too.

277
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:15,033
What if he started
pie-ing good people?

278
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,618
Not because he wanted to,

279
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,121
but because he was being
blackmailed by his boss?

280
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,248
Homie, are you the Pie Man?

281
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,417
No, I'm not. And here's
a picture that proves it.

282
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:25,127
See?

283
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,546
Well, whoever he is,
the Pie Man

284
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,339
would never cave
in to blackmail.

285
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,052
Now on a different subject,
kiss me hard!

286
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,179
You know, I'm not Pie Man.

287
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:37,305
I don't care.

288
00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:42,811
Girl Scout cookies!

289
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:46,148
Oh, come on.
She's a little girl!

290
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,817
Grow a spine on
your own time, blimpo!

291
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,862
Just one second, sweetheart.

292
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,782
Now pie that Brownie,
fruitcake!

293
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:58,368
Sorry.

294
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,917
Sir, my baby wants to play
Patty Cake, now!

295
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,005
Your assignment.

296
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,340
The Dalai Lama?

297
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,425
That's right.

298
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,427
All his talk of
peace and love is really

299
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,429
honking off
my red Chinese masters.

300
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,431
Now, Smithers,
walk me around the park

301
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,391
until I fall asleep.
I'm feeling fussy.

302
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:32,861
As Springfield's
youngest Buddhist,

303
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,198
I am deeply honored to
introduce the Dalai Lama.

304
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:39,367
Oh, I can't do this
in front of Lisa.

305
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,204
Why does she have
to believe in things?

306
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:43,747
You have no choice.

307
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:47,167
Pie him or I'll reveal
your secret to the world.

308
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:49,795
And now, please welcome
the Elvis of Enlightenment,

309
00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:53,799
the lean, serene chanting
machine: The Dalai Lama!

310
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,187
Greetings, fellow travelers
on the path to enlightenment.

311
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,943
Please forgive me,
talking llama.

312
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,778
No, Pie Man! Don't do it!

313
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:17,948
Come on, Pie Man, hit him!

314
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,492
That's the only reason anyone
came to this stupid thing!

315
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,911
Oh! No, I won't!

316
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,747
There's only one way I can
escape from this nightmare!

317
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:31,461
Homer Simpson?
It was him all along?

318
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:34,297
Homer Simpson is
the Pie Man? Impossible.

319
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,675
He's never thrown away
a pastry in his life!

320
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:41,680
His brain isn't large enough to
juggle two contrasting personae!

321
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:44,850
Yeah, and Homer's a dumbass.
No offense, Homer.

322
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,184
You dumbass.

323
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:48,520
I'm telling you
I'm the Pie Man.

324
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,605
No, you're not.
The Pie Man could fly.

325
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,148
And spit acid.

326
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,650
And animals did his bidding.

327
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,279
Well, that closes
the book on Pie Man.

328
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,947
Wait a minute.
What?

329
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,907
If it wasn't Simpson,
who was it?

330
00:20:00,992 --> 00:20:02,784
It's gonna be you
if you don't shut up.

331
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,911
Dad, I think
you created a hero

332
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,830
that even you
couldn't live up to.

333
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:09,958
Yeah. Let's go home, honey.

334
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:16,006
On to my next engagement,
Buffalo, New York.

335
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,555
I know one person who believes
you're the Pie Man, Homie.

336
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,057
Me. I've known it all along.

337
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:27,225
Was it the kiss?

338
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,978
No. Lt was clearly
you in that suit.

339
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,273
You'd have to be an idiot
not to see it from the start.

340
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:40,071
So, Pie Man, why don't you
show me your super powers?

341
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,325
Pie Man?

342
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:46,995
Wherever injustice shows
its ugly face, I will be there!

343
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,789
For I am the Pie Man!

344
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:54,628
And wherever Pie Man is, the
Cupcake Kid will not be far behind.

345
00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:56,379
While you two
are up on the roof,

346
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,632
why don't you take the leaves
out of the gutter!

347
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:58,900
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