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(theme music playing)
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CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
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(bell ringing)
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(whistle blows)
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(beeping)
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(playing the blues)
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(jazzy solo)
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(chimes)
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(tires screeching)
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(honking horn)
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(tires screeching)
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D'oh!
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(screams)
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(tires screeching)
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Welcome
to the Springfield YMCA.
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{\an8}Tonight you can sample
all of our classes for free.
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{\an8}and if you find one you like,
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{\an8}you can pay
the membership fee and enroll.
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{\an8}(laughter)
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{\an8}(laughs) I know. We'll never see
any of you again.
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{\an8}-(assenting)
-HOMER: You got that right.
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{\an8}(ball bouncing)
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{\an8}Alley-oop.
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{\an8}Three to one.
Ooh, this is a high-scoring affair.
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{\an8}Yeah? Well, it's your turn
to get the ball out of the peach basket.
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{\an8}(muttering) I'll get a ball out
of your peach basket one of these days.
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Welcome to gymnastics.
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{\an8}I am Coach Lugash.
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{\an8}I came to this country in '83
by cartwheeling over Berlin Wall.
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(giggles)
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-No giggling! It weakens the haunches!
-(students gasp)
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{\an8}What a little angel.
How old are you?
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{\an8}-Eight.
-Eight? Too old! Go home, Grandma!
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{\an8}I am sorry, little girl.
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{\an8}Lugash must go next door
to anger management class.
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{\an8}Worthless anger
management class!
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{\an8}I hate it so much!
I spit on it!
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{\an8}Yo, boy, this class is tight.
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{\an8}You go from "sloppa"
to "proppa."
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{\an8}Cool.
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{\an8}-(gasps)
-Welcome to my etiquette class:
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-The Proper Young Man.
-But the black man said--
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{\an8}Are you accusing my husband
of misleading you? Good gracious!
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I should bust a cap
in your ass!
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Mmm, I'll pick, uh, Carl.
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Lenny and Carl.
I kinda like the sound of that.
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My turn, huh? Let's see.
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{\an8}Pick me! Pick me!
I got hoop dreams, Coach!
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{\an8}I got 'em bad!
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{\an8}-OK. Homer!
-Yes!
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{\an8}Losers! Losers, losers, l--
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-You said "Homer," right?
-Mm-hmm.
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Losers!
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I'll take Professor Frink.
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{\an8}Ah, you won't regret it,
my good man.
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{\an8}What with the passing,
and the dribbling...
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{\an8}and my shoes
made of the flubber!
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{\an8}And away I go!
It's frightening.
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{\an8}Ow, that was painful.
Oh, the flubber is burning my feet!
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{\an8}Now before we begin...
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{\an8}fitness buff Rainier Wolfcastle
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would like to say a few words
about the Springfield YMCA.
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(grunts) Oh, hello.
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I have purchased
the Springfield YMCA.
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I plan to tear it down and turn the land
into a nature preserve...
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where I will hunt
the deadliest game of all... man!
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Now let's play ball!
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Ooh, and Lenny is taking off!
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-(grunts)
-That's a foul.
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I am taking the ball
and going home.
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Hey! Hey, that's not your ball!
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(rifle clicks)
The chase begins.
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(gasps)
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Whoo! You da man, Carl!
I believe you can fly!
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Boy, I am so sick of everyone assuming
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I'm good at basketball
because I'm African-American.
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(grunts)
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(chanting)
Go, Carl. Go, Carl.
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It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
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Three-peat!
You got mail, baby!
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-(shrieks)
-(groans)
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Willie tickles the twine
for two! Oy! Oy!
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OK, guys. I got a secret play I've been
saving for the Olympics...
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or possibly the Final Four.
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00:04:47,745 --> 00:04:49,998
And it goes something
like this.
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(quietly) All right, Skinner,
I want you to block out Carl.
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Moe, you can take
Professor Frink.
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Homer, you take
Groundskeeper Willie.
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No way am I taking
Groundskeeper Willie.
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Yes, you are.
Are you a team player or not?
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00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,680
Oh, my goodness,
an untied shoelace.
92
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I'll just get down on one knee
and re-tie that.
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(grunts)
Eat my dust, mortals!
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(groans) I'm OK.
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-(metal squeaks)
-(gasp)
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(groans)
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Homer, I'm afraid
you've torn out
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00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,701
your anterior
cruciate ligament.
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00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:30,747
-Did you say "anterior"?
-Yes.
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(screaming)
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00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,167
Now how did this happen?
102
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{\an8}Maybe a little morphine
would refresh my memory.
103
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,382
{\an8}(chuckles, moans with pleasure)
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{\an8}I don't know.
I'm still a little hazy.
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{\an8}Ga! Oh, yeah.
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{\an8}Now I remember it like
it was yesterday.
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It happened today.
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Hey, man,
you're harshing my buzz.
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Anyway, it all started
when I was--
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(straining)
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You go, Homer.
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-(grunt) Whoosh!
-(crowd cheers)
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Ow! Jetson!
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We've got to
get you into surgery.
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{\an8}Maybe a little morphine
would get me there quicker.
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(sighs)
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{\an8}(moans)
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So many times we've
seen our father go under the knife.
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One more and I get
a free hysterectomy.
120
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,521
Now, Homer, you'll have a full recovery
from your spinal cord injury.
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-What spinal cord injury?
-Oh, he fell off the gurney.
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00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:43,611
But it will take plenty of time and rehab
before you can go back to work.
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Miss work? But my life would be nothing
without the nucleon plant.
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00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:51,035
Oh, you're also responsible
for this hefty hospital bill.
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00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,328
You shouldn't have
ordered all those
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hospital haircuts
and porno films.
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But Doctor Screwlittle
sounded like a delightful romp.
128
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{\an8}But you don't have to
worry about the bill.
129
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{\an8}We've never welshed on a--
Look, a bear!
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Run!
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-(snapping)
-Ow.
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(growling)
133
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:19,272
Now, Homer, I want you
to stay off that leg for two weeks.
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00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:22,066
Two weeks?
What am I supposed to do?
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Just sit on my ass and watch TV?
That ain't my style, man.
136
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,698
Now, Homer, there are people
right through that door
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that have it much
worse than you.
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(sniff) No, they don't.
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Mmm, everyone's
having fun but me.
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-(humming)
-Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy.
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Mrs. Simpson,
can Homer come out and play?
142
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:48,217
No, Homer won't be able to play
for a long time.
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(groans)
Would you make me some Jell-O?
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00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,805
You shoo,
Barney Gumble.
145
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:57,351
(sighs) Well, I can still hang out
with you guys.
146
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,479
Sorry. I got a baseball game
in 15 minutes.
147
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,565
And I've got a rally
for Take Back the Afternoon.
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00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:06,486
(chuckles)
So, the tables have turned!
149
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,070
Now you're the shut-in,
150
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,698
-and I'm the hip young dude!
-(cracking noise)
151
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,159
(gasps)
There goes my wagging finger.
152
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:15,369
I'm so bored!
153
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:18,789
Aw, come on. There's lots of ways
to pass the time.
154
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,918
Hitch up your pants,
air whittle.
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00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,003
♪ Di dee di di dee di di ♪
156
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:26,923
Make friends
with a Chinese man.
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00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:29,175
Uh, Mr. Simpson, you weren't
supposed to leave the home.
158
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,594
-Thank you, Ping-Pong.
-My name is Craig.
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00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,472
Sure, it is.
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00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,559
This place is so boring.
161
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,521
I got to do something to keep
from going crazy.
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00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:46,692
I know. I'll breed the pets...
to each other. (evil laugh)
163
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,486
-(meows)
-(whines)
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00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,863
-(yelps)
-(meows)
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00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,241
Soon I will have
a miracle hybrid
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00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:57,203
with the loyalty of a cat
and the cleanliness of a dog!
167
00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,204
("Let's Get It On" plays)
168
00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,622
♪ Let's get it on ♪
169
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:03,918
-(barking)
-(yowling)
170
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,631
{\an8}-(dog whines)
-No. That's not how you do it! (gasps)
171
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,174
-(yowls)
-Quitters!
172
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,051
-(dog yelping)
-Hey, Homer.
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00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:16,389
Oh, it feels so good to talk
to another human being!
174
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:18,224
Stupid Flanders.
175
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:19,850
Hey, Homer, I need
to ask you a favor.
176
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:23,312
My babysitter canceled, and I got tickets
to a Christian rock concert.
177
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:26,941
(laughs) It's gonna be
one wholesome evening.
178
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:30,987
So, you think Marge could take care of
Rowdy Roddy and Typhoon Todd?
179
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:34,532
Well, Marge isn't here. She had
to identify a body at the morgue.
180
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:41,455
That's not my Uncle Lou.
And this man's not dead.
181
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,126
That's what I've been
trying to tell you!
182
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:48,004
-That's just gas escaping.
-(cries)
183
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:51,215
Would you mind watching the kids?
I'm kinda in a pickle here.
184
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,384
Well, they would
keep me company.
185
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:56,804
And this pickle you're offering
only sweetens the deal.
186
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:57,763
(cheering on TV)
187
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,181
(grunts)
188
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:06,522
Mr. Simpson, can we have another
jelly and candy sandwich?
189
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,190
Sure. Knock yourselves out.
190
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,026
-And call me Homer.
-(boys gasp)
191
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:13,654
Daddy said it's rude to call
grown-ups by their first name.
192
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,950
-Daddy's not here, is he?
-(all laugh)
193
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,077
(cheering on TV)
194
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,457
Now, my good man,
what do you like to play?
195
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:27,585
-Pokémon!
-Pokémon? Pokémon?
196
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,296
With the pokey and the man...
and the... (blabbering)
197
00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,340
...the guy comes
out of the (blabbering)
198
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:40,056
-(all laugh)
-That is the darnedest thing.
199
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:42,016
So did you boys
have a good time?
200
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,644
Yeah. Mr. Simpson
was really funny.
201
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:48,105
He told us how the world
keeps screwing him over.
202
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,941
(laughs) Yeah. Well,
how was the concert?
203
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:55,071
Well, sir, I've never heard a preacher use
the "M-F" word so many times.
204
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,156
Anyway, thanks again.
205
00:10:57,239 --> 00:11:00,868
Hey, it was fun.
My kids are sick of all my stories.
206
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,412
But they just can't
get enough of me.
207
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,539
Can Mr. Simpson
watch us every day?
208
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:09,335
{\an8}(laughs) Oh, Roddy,
he's not running a day care center.
209
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,836
Don't tell me
what I'm not doing.
210
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,630
So you are running
a day care center?
211
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,590
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
212
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,344
Oh, I sure would. It would give the boys
a place to go after school.
213
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:21,305
Then I'll do it,
just to see the look on your face.
214
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,808
That's the one.
215
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:26,644
{\an8}♪ This world is whistles
and missiles ♪
216
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,771
♪ Bones and trombones ♪
217
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,690
Why did you put
my name on the sign?
218
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,859
It's just a legal thing
to protect me.
219
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,237
Is your knee
really gross under there?
220
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,949
-See for yourself.
-Ew!
221
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,702
-Can I touch it?
-Sure. Go for the gusto.
222
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:46,330
(whimpers)
It's healing over my hand.
223
00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:52,128
-It knows you're afraid.
-(doorbell rings)
224
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,254
-(chattering)
-Hello.
225
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:55,923
I would like to take
advantage of your baby prison.
226
00:11:56,006 --> 00:11:59,385
-We're calling it day care.
-Yes, whatever. Just take them!
227
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:02,096
Aw, aren't they sweet?
228
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:05,141
-Any medical things I should know about?
-APU: Yes, probably!
229
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:12,022
Why, Homer, your surgical incision
is completely healed.
230
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,984
I owe it all to my rewarding work
with children.
231
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,444
And not picking at it.
232
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,487
Ah, yes, how is your
day care center doing?
233
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,613
Wonderful!
234
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:23,242
Being with those kids gives me a high
only morphine can top.
235
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:27,621
-You got any?
-(chuckles) Always with the morphine.
236
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,915
(chuckles) Mmm.
237
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,629
Peekaboo! Peekaboo!
Peekaboo! Peekaboo!
238
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,798
Dad's been doing that
for two hours!
239
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:41,051
I've never seen the baby
get tired of it before the adult.
240
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:45,765
-(chuckles) Peek... a... boo!
-(whines)
241
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,642
Uncle Homer, will you sing
that crazy song we love?
242
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:51,020
(chuckles) OK.
243
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,440
♪ Is that all there is? ♪
244
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:58,068
♪ Is that all there is? ♪
245
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,989
♪ If that's all there is,
my friend ♪
246
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,451
♪ Then let's keep dancing... ♪
247
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,827
(laughs)
248
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:10,372
I can't remember the last time
Dad sang us a torch song.
249
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,373
Yeah!
250
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,667
Hey, Homer, I thought you were
only gonna do this day care thing
251
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:14,877
till your knee was better.
252
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:19,006
Yes. But then I discovered
the joys of raising children.
253
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,884
-What about us?
-Don't worry, honey.
254
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,220
You'll have children
of your own someday.
255
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,514
Then you'll know my joy.
256
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:34,230
Hey, Bart, your dad gave me
this temp tattoo.
257
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,440
{\an8}It's so cool!
258
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,691
(making motorcycle noises)
259
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,280
You have the "bestest" dad.
260
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,783
He read me
a story about Chinese food.
261
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:49,286
You haven't seen the real Homer.
It's all burping and neglect.
262
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:53,457
I think we know your dad
a little bit better than you do, Bart.
263
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:54,959
Is that my jacket?
264
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:58,671
-He said it looked better on me!
-(groans)
265
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,715
♪ If you're happy
and you know it ♪
266
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:02,758
♪ Say a swear... ♪
267
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,510
-Boobs!
-Hiney!
268
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:05,427
Mitten!
269
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,889
(all laugh)
270
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:12,601
They're always laughing.
Laughing at nothing.
271
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,520
How come parents are always
nicer to other kids
272
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:15,938
than they are
to their own?
273
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,274
I guess Dad just
takes us for granted.
274
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,025
Well, don't worry.
275
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:23,028
This'll give his heartstrings
a much-needed plucking.
276
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:28,367
(laughs)
277
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,493
Huh?
278
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,873
Aw, what a beautiful frame.
279
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,584
Perfect for my day care permit.
280
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,335
Sweet.
281
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,254
Mm-hmm.
282
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,256
(both groan)
283
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:49,305
Hang on, everybody!
Three... two... one, blast off!
284
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,641
(screaming and laughing)
285
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,894
That was "tree-mendous!"
286
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,896
(chuckles) Where's Ralph?
287
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:59,023
I almost died!
288
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:03,068
Homer, this man
is from the Good Guy Awards.
289
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,863
{\an8}We honor people who make
life better for the community.
290
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,531
{\an8}Like you with your
day care center.
291
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:11,744
-I contributed by not objecting too much.
-Aw, that's my girl.
292
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:14,455
Anyway, this film crew will shoot some
behind-the-scenes footage
293
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:16,123
of your amazing work.
294
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:18,083
-Is there a snack table?
-It's already set up.
295
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:21,211
(giggles) (chomping)
296
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:22,338
{\an8}Don't film this!
297
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,845
Uh, excuse me.
This is a hot set. No visitors.
298
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:33,474
-It's my room.
-Well, if you want, you can sit on this.
299
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:34,558
(grumbling)
300
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:36,727
Teamsters are sleeping
in my room.
301
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,729
MAN:
We're just resting our eyes.
302
00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:41,732
'Cause the thing is,
there are no bad kids.
303
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,943
Ow! You stepped on my arm!
304
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:46,820
Sorry. Daddy thought
you were a pile of cable.
305
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,989
Tell me about
the Homer Cares Program.
306
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:52,952
My kids wear these hearts
to remind them they are always loved.
307
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,621
Aww. Did you make 'em yourself?
308
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:58,332
Yes. Through the magic of caring.
309
00:15:58,415 --> 00:15:59,959
Night will come soon.
310
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,503
There's gotta be a way
to get back at Dad.
311
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:06,298
Well, I've been cutting
the felt kind of crooked.
312
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,551
No. We've gotta show the world
what Dad's really like.
313
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,513
Then everything
will be back to normal.
314
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:16,475
(sinister laughing)
Back to normal.
315
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:17,935
BOTH: (laughing)
316
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,402
♪ I'm a nice guy
I'm a hell of a guy ♪
317
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,029
♪ And tonight
we honor you ♪
318
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,407
-Stop the music! Stop it!
-(music stops)
319
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,659
One more line, and we have to pay
for the song!
320
00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:38,205
-Now, is anyone here from Springfield?
-You know we are!
321
00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:41,959
Oh, tough crowd.
(laughs)
322
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,711
So what's in the news?
323
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:48,924
Oh, right.
The bus disaster-- very sad.
324
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,553
Now our first award
is for biggest people pleaser.
325
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:56,181
You can walk all over
these doormats. (laughs)
326
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,517
-And the nominees are...
-(drumrolls)
327
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,563
{\an8}Ned Flanders,
Principal Seymour Skinner...
328
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,815
and Mother Teresa Junior.
329
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:08,652
And the winner is...
Principal Skinner!
330
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:12,698
-(grunts)
-(growls)
331
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:17,703
(chuckles) Now I'm told
there's a glitch in our Internet webcast.
332
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:23,667
So all of you out there, type Control,
backslash, semicolon, Alt, dot, Escape,
333
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,752
and you'll be fine.
334
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,088
-(grunts) Ah, perfect.
-(beeps)
335
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:31,467
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
336
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:35,637
We'd like to thank our sponsor,
Hansen's Hypno-Coins.
337
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,390
If you can find a sturdier
hypno-coin,
338
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,808
-you buy it.
-(applause)
339
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:43,645
Now, every year we find
one Good Samaritan so deserving
340
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,397
that not recognizing him
341
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:49,068
would make Santa Claus himself
vomit with rage.
342
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,403
(groans)
Who writes this stuff?
343
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,115
{\an8}(chimp chitters)
344
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,742
(growls)
345
00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:01,330
This year's winner of The Saint Who Walks
Among Us Award...
346
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:05,000
Please let me win this, Lord,
'cause if you don't--
347
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,877
KRUSTY:
...Homer Simpson!
348
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,921
-Yes!
-(cheering and applause)
349
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:12,299
All my love has come back
in trophy form.
350
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:15,969
Now let's take a look
at Homer's wonderful work.
351
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,514
MAN (narrating): It looks like
any other home in America.
352
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,933
But this is the house
that love built.
353
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,726
KIDS: (grunting)
354
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,562
-(engine hums)
-(tires screech)
355
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,691
(laughs)
356
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:36,615
MAN (narrating): His scabby red knee
became an infectious beacon of hope.
357
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:38,075
Aww.
358
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:43,247
MAN (narrating): I guess you could sum up
Homer in two words:
359
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,290
-BART: Big phony!
-(gasp)
360
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,417
This is the real Homer Simpson-
361
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,670
-A beer-drinking meanie!
-(sniffs)
362
00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:52,464
(groans)
363
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:53,632
Huh?
364
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:56,426
-And he gambles like crazy.
-(laughs)
365
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,680
-I'll call.
-Three nines.
366
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:02,141
Oh! I almost had a straight!
367
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,268
Come to new papa.
368
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:07,146
-(gasping, murmuring)
-Hey, what's the deal?
369
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:10,899
We just spliced in some home movies.
What do you think?
370
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,945
Well, I'd rather reserve
judgment until l-- Oh, my God!
371
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,198
-I'll mace you good!
-(screams)
372
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:21,618
-(gasps)
-That is completely taken out of context!
373
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:26,415
-Why you little--
-(both screaming)
374
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:29,168
Our children aren't safe
with that monster!
375
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:31,587
Yeah, keep away from him, Milhouse!
376
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:34,089
You too, Ralphie.
You're out of that day care center.
377
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,467
Oh! My polite indignation
knows no bounds!
378
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,887
(grunts) No! No!
379
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,431
No one is taking
my kids from me!
380
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,517
(grunts)
Run, children, run!
381
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,853
MAN: Come back here
with my young'un!
382
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:54,109
The term "soccer mom"
is thrown around all too often these days.
383
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,403
But the nominees in our next category...
384
00:19:56,486 --> 00:20:00,157
-(chattering)
-Where are we going?
385
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,327
Uh, for frosty chocolate
milk shakes! (insane laugh)
386
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,704
Frosty chocolate milk shakes!
387
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,583
(tires screeching)
388
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,877
An award ceremony erupted
in kidnapping tonight,
389
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,088
as alleged "Good Guy" Homer Simpson
absconded with several children
390
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,924
in a stolen paddy wagon.
391
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,551
Now let's go to Arnie Pie
in the Sky.
392
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,511
-(sirens wailing)
-ARNIE: I can see them right below me.
393
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,931
I'm gonna try to nail the driver
with one of my shoes.
394
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:26,391
Arnie, please leave this
to the police.
395
00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:29,228
I'm sick of being a reporter.
I want to make the news!
396
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,687
Arnie, this is not the time!
397
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,398
You're not the time, Kent!
You're not the time!
398
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:36,985
Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
399
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,488
I'll tell you where we're not going.
400
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,698
-Jail!
-Then you better turn.
401
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:45,118
-Uh-oh! Aaah!
-(tires screech)
402
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,995
(groaning)
403
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,498
ARNIE: He's jumping
out of the car, Kent!
404
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,959
He's trying to climb
over the fence!
405
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,044
Now he's realizing
he's too fat.
406
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,713
-He's digging a hole like a dog.
-(Homer sobbing)
407
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,925
Now he's given up on that
and he's running back and forth.
408
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:03,512
He's climbing into a pipe
and he seems to be stuck.
409
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,847
His legs are dangling
in a comical fashion.
410
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,392
Oh, it's the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
411
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,435
KENT: Arnie, Arnie,
how are the children?
412
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,689
ARNIE: I can't see through metal, Kent!
413
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,233
All right, Fatty.
Out of the pipe!
414
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,445
Why did you rat me out, kids?
415
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:24,408
Was it because I showered love on those
other children while ignoring you?
416
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,867
-Yep.
-Pretty much.
417
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,577
Well, I learned my lesson.
418
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:30,289
From now on, you two are the only kids
I'll care about.
419
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:31,331
Oh, and Maggie.
420
00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:34,960
Now let's all enjoy
the snack table while we still have it.
421
00:21:35,043 --> 00:21:37,546
The teamsters said
they'd pick it up by 5:00.
422
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:39,381
Yeah. That'll happen.
423
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:42,676
(all laugh)
424
00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:44,886
HOMER: Teamsters.
425
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,013
(theme music playing)
426
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,970
-BILL COSBY: Pokémon? Pokémon?
-Shh.
427
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:29,681
With the pokey and the man...
and the... (blabbering)
428
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,725
where if a guy
comes out of... (blabbering)
429
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:33,060
{\an8}Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services