1
00:00:01,876 --> 00:00:03,044
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,548
CHORUS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
3
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,476
(bell ringing)
4
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,275
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:30,864
(beeping)
6
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(playing the blues)
7
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,874
(jazzy solo)
8
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:48,548
(chimes)
9
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,722
(tires screech)
10
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,643
(honking horn)
11
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,148
D-oh!
12
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:06,232
(screams)
13
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,859
(tires screeching)
14
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,379
{\an8}Welcome to the Magic Palace.
15
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:32,217
{\an8}OK, you can park my car
but no joyriding.
16
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}Mmm.
17
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,011
{\an8}Wait a minute!
18
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,852
{\an8}Hello, I'm Questo.
19
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,064
{\an8}I'll be your waiter
and mentalist for this evening.
20
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,149
{\an8}I'm receiving a drink order...
21
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,776
{\an8}something foamy...
22
00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,945
{\an8}Is it a bee...
23
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{\an8}Beer, yes! How did you know?
24
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:54,906
(groans)
25
00:01:55,406 --> 00:02:00,995
{\an8}And for the lady,
a Long... Island Iced Tea.
26
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,289
{\an8}-Wow...
-Whoa...
27
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:07,168
{\an8}They ought to call that
a Large Island iced tea.
28
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,753
{\an8}(laughs)
29
00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:11,381
{\an8}No, Long is better.
30
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,883
{\an8}Are you really going
to drink that?
31
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,218
{\an8}Well, maybe a sip.
32
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,637
{\an8}I don't want to offend
our mentalist.
33
00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:21,349
{\an8}If she doesn't like it
I'll just die.
34
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:23,601
{\an8}Mmm.
35
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:26,312
{\an8}(slurping)
36
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,439
{\an8}Mm-mm.
37
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,401
{\an8}Mom, you're missing
a great show.
38
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:34,154
{\an8}You don't know what I'm missing.
39
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,363
{\an8}(slurps)
40
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:36,614
{\an8}Mm-mm.
41
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:41,077
{\an8}I'd like to visit
that Long Island place.
42
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,871
{\an8}If only it were real.
43
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:45,790
{\an8}Now, for my next illusion,
I'll need a volunteer.
44
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,375
{\an8}I'll do it!
45
00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:50,003
{\an8}I always end up doing it.
46
00:02:51,462 --> 00:02:54,465
{\an8}-HI.
-I'm Diablo. What's your name?
47
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:55,508
{\an8}Marge.
48
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:59,095
OK, Marge and who's
that gentleman you're with?
49
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,764
That's no gentleman,
that's my husband.
50
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,391
(all laughing)
51
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,770
Wow, Mom got a laugh.
52
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,606
I wish she drank every day.
53
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:10,607
(laughs)
54
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:12,275
Do we love Marge or what?
55
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,529
Oh, please. I didn't
say that for clapping.
56
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,281
-Now, Marge, I have a problem.
-Oh, yeah?
57
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,658
You see, the Emperor
of China's coming over
58
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,243
and I don't have
enough colorful silks.
59
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,244
Oh.
60
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,412
So what I need of you is...
61
00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:28,041
You talk too much.
Abraca-blab-ra.
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00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:29,125
Am I right?
63
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,126
(women laughing)
64
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,420
See, the ladies know
what I'm talking about.
65
00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,881
(chuckles weakly) Tell you what.
66
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,716
Let's get this ball-gag on you.
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00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,426
There we go
68
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:42,222
and we'll skip right ahead
to the kill-otine.
69
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,765
-(audience gasps)
-Whoa, baby!
70
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,058
(drum roll)
71
00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:46,476
(Marge grunting)
72
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,144
Don't worry, Marge.
73
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,437
You won't feel a thing.
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00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,564
You'll feel four things.
75
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:52,982
(laughter)
76
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,859
He's very good.
77
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,529
(audience gasps)
78
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,200
(chittering)
79
00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,409
(audience cheers)
80
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,955
So, she was made of chimps.
81
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:09,749
Man, magic can do anything.
82
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,209
What happened to Mom?
83
00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:12,877
I'm right here.
84
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,129
(applause)
85
00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:18,800
No! No, get off me.
86
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,551
ANNOUNCER: Folks,
this is not part of the act
87
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:21,886
so please help her out.
88
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,931
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
89
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:26,933
{\an8}Cool, a gift shop.
90
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:30,603
{\an8}Ages eight to 80...
Huh... that's me!
91
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:32,438
Dad, will you get me
this magic kit?
92
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,482
Gee, I wish I could, son
93
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,734
but we've already left
the gift shop.
94
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:39,487
D-ohh!
95
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:42,073
{\an8}Wow, it's approved
96
00:04:42,156 --> 00:04:44,325
{\an8}by the Royal Magic College
of Hyderabad.
97
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,828
{\an8}(scoffs)
That's a party magic college.
98
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,288
-It is not.
-Ya-huh!
99
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,414
-Nu-uh.
-Ya-huh.
100
00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:51,416
Could you cut it out, you two?
101
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,918
Mommy needs some quiet
right now.
102
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,629
(all screaming)
103
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,340
What the hell is that?
104
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,051
{\an8}It looks like a sturgeon.
105
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,053
But where did it come from?
106
00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:08,891
{\an8}(speaking Russian)
107
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730
{\an8}(slapping and arguing continues)
108
00:05:18,359 --> 00:05:21,112
(humming)
109
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,072
(In English)
Well, there's your problem.
110
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,825
I know that. How much to fix it?
111
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:30,580
Ooh, well, that's a foreign fish
we're looking at, so $6,500...
112
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,165
plus $3.50.
113
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:34,083
Oh, I can't afford that.
114
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,585
Maybe I can make
some money, Dad.
115
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:37,420
My magic act is
really coming along.
116
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,797
(gasping for air)
117
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:40,840
(chuckles)
118
00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,467
He couldn't breathe.
119
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,970
{\an8}Step right up.
See the Magic Boy.
120
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,638
Witness mystifying feats
121
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that will leave
you scratching your head
122
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until it's raw and bloody.
123
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:53,353
(groans)
124
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,521
-Oh, my goodness.
-Whoa!
125
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,148
Come on, pony up, Flanders.
126
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,816
The kid's not turning tricks
for nothing.
127
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,944
Oh, no, I could never support
the black arts.
128
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:02,904
Black arts?
129
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,989
Yeah, you know, magic,
fortune-telling,
130
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:05,907
Oriental cooking.
131
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:06,991
MICHAEL: Hey, you guys.
132
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,910
(groaning)
133
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,745
You're in our spot.
134
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:12,497
(stammering) OK, we'll move.
135
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,290
But we don't want
any trouble, fellas.
136
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,000
Dad, only one of them is real.
137
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,336
-I know, but which one?
-MICHAEL: Oh!
138
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,381
Sixty cents?
139
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,050
I would have made more
if I'd gone into work today.
140
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,218
Hey, don't blame me.
141
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:27,095
I got to compete with TV
and the Internet.
142
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,889
A good son would come
through for his dad.
143
00:06:29,972 --> 00:06:30,890
Yeah, and a good dad
144
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,475
wouldn't miss his son's
Little League games.
145
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:36,020
I told you. I find them boring.
146
00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:38,981
Well, I showed up for
all your stupid interventions.
147
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:41,609
Oh! That's it!
You can walk home!
148
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,613
(rattling)
149
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,617
Dad, come back! Oh...
150
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,245
I can't walk home
with all this stuff.
151
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:53,955
Ohh!
152
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:57,792
Poor boy. Here's some
money for bus fare.
153
00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,420
My father was a monster, too.
154
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:02,296
Hmm.
155
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:07,677
Come on, brothers, dig deep.
156
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:10,680
(rattling)
157
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:14,016
Stupid non-magical son
can't pay to fix my car.
158
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,810
Hey, Homer, check it out!
159
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:17,353
What the...?
160
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,773
Is that a steak?
161
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,400
Yeah, I know a little place.
162
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,152
Who gave you all this money?
163
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,653
Hmm, people.
164
00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:27,196
I guess they thought
I was a charity case.
165
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,365
Really?
166
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,034
Hey, maybe we could
do that again.
167
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,619
Can you look even more pathetic?
168
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:35,746
(whines)
169
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,583
(chuckling)
Oh, that's beautiful!
170
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,042
We could make a fortune!
171
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,296
But wouldn't that make us
con artists?
172
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:47,049
Well, yeah, but God conned me
173
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,510
out of 6,500 bucks
in car repairs.
174
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:54,891
So, in a way, we'd just be
balancing out the universe.
175
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,476
There you go.
176
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:59,270
We'd be stealing
from people we know.
177
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,522
It's just like the seasons.
178
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,192
Sounds good. Want to eat my fat?
179
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:06,152
I think you know
the answer to that.
180
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,618
{\an8}This book has
all the classic cons.
181
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:14,952
{\an8}There's "The Pigeon Drop"
182
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,163
{\an8}"The Ear Wigger,"
"The Brillstein Grab."
183
00:08:17,246 --> 00:08:19,040
{\an8}Do they have any
father and son grifts?
184
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:21,167
{\an8}Well, there's
"The Albany Ham Scam."
185
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,460
HOMER: Interesting.
186
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,754
Oh, wait, here we go.
187
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,756
(humming tune)
188
00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:28,758
(humming stops)
189
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,009
What are you doing?
190
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:32,178
Why are you frosting
that old throw pillow?
191
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,222
I could ask you
the very same question.
192
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:37,308
Mm, should I just back
out of the room?
193
00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:38,226
Would you?
194
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,144
(Marge humming)
195
00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,649
OK, Dad.
196
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:45,858
Ready for our first con?
197
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:46,901
You bet.
198
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:48,861
Let's trim the mark.
199
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,905
Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
200
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:52,365
10-4, Kemosabe.
201
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,366
(groans)
202
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:56,869
(humming a tune)
203
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,247
Oh, I love you, too.
204
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,375
Good night, and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
205
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,669
Oh!
206
00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:06,629
Oh, excuse me.
207
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,673
Oh. What happened?
Where's my cake?
208
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,299
It's all right, isn't it?
209
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,259
Uh...
210
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,469
What have you done,
you clumsy little ox?
211
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,222
(gasps) That cake was
for your deaf sister.
212
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,932
Sir, it was my fault.
213
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,517
No, no, don't protect him.
214
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:23,062
You'll work off that cake
in the acid mines!
215
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,398
No, no, no,
I'll pay for the cake.
216
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,691
Well, you're the mark...
217
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:29,235
(stammering) of integrity.
(chuckles)
218
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,321
Wow, look at all this loot.
219
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:33,823
What should we buy first?
220
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,533
The singing rubber fish,
of course.
221
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,285
There you are.
222
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,619
How was the magic act?
223
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,247
What in the hell
are you talking about?
224
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,791
Oh, right, the magic.
225
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:47,378
The magic was great.
It's really the way to go.
226
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,671
How'd you do your act?
227
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,256
You left your magic kit here.
228
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,717
Or so it would seem.
229
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,635
-(Bart chuckling)
-HOMER: Suckers.
230
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,636
I don't know, Mom.
231
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,263
I think they're up to something.
232
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,265
Sure looks that way
233
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,643
but at least Bart and Homer are
spending quality time together.
234
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,062
Is that a Long Island Iced Tea?
235
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,523
Oh, this? Hmm.
236
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,025
I think it is.
237
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,027
(slurps)
238
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:15,114
Um, you're a pretty girl.
239
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,741
Here, boy.
240
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:17,992
Here, doggy.
241
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,786
Oh, where has
my little dog gone?
242
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,039
-Oh, you lost your doggy?
-Yeah.
243
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:25,958
I saw him playing in the water,
and then he was gone.
244
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,502
He had a bright red leash
with bells on it.
245
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,546
Oh, I'm sure
he's around here somewhere.
246
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,465
(bells ringing)
247
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:35,009
Oh, dear Lord.
248
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,136
He's the bestest dog ever.
249
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,387
He's light brown
250
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,806
and he has a spot on him
shaped like a heart.
251
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,643
{\an8}-Sorry, son, but...
-I just got to get him back...
252
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,688
{\an8}or, if not him, a similar dog.
253
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,649
Dog for sale!
254
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,359
Dog for sale!
255
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:54,779
(groans) How much for the dog?
256
00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:57,073
-Oh, he's not for sale.
-Oh, well.
257
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,910
Although, if the right
offer came along...
258
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,417
Here's for the repairs,
and a little extra for you.
259
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,835
Hey, thanks, chief.
260
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,087
(groans)
261
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,130
My Bar Mitzvah cake.
262
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,633
Oy, I'll never be a man.
263
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,593
(groans)
264
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,887
-Dad?
-Yes, son?
265
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:21,263
Why are we still grifting?
266
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,348
The car's paid for.
267
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,392
Doesn't that balance
out the universe?
268
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:27,061
In a way but I also remembered
some other stuff
269
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,563
like my bike that was stolen
in third grade...
270
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:30,898
plus the baldness.
271
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,108
OK, I'm sold.
272
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,192
(doorbell rings)
273
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,404
Hello, is the lady
of the house in?
274
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,114
Oh, no, Homer.
275
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,366
Remember? Maudie
got called up to heaven.
276
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,702
Oh, of course, of course.
277
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,079
-It's just that...
-What?
278
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:46,622
Well, before she died
279
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,291
she ordered this Bible
especially for you.
280
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:52,002
(gasps)
Why, there's my name in gold.
281
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:54,130
Now, you weren't home
282
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,215
so we had to pay
the delivery man.
283
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,050
Well, I'll just
reimburse you right--
284
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,635
Wait a minute.
285
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:03,222
This seems an awful lot like
that movie Paper Moon.
286
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:04,640
Run, Dad!
287
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,684
(groaning)
288
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:09,895
-We'll be safe in here.
-That was too close.
289
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,480
Maybe it's time
to quit the game.
290
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,481
ABE: Amateurs.
291
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,482
-Huh?
-Huh?
292
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,483
Dad?
293
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,360
That's right.
294
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,987
You don't smoke a pipe.
295
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,197
That's right.
296
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,699
(coughing)
297
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,534
How'd you get wise to us?
298
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:24,869
Are you kidding?
299
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,621
They used to call me
Grifty McGrift.
300
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,124
I wrote the book
on flimflamming.
301
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,877
Wow, he did.
302
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,296
Yeah. In the Depression,
you had to grift.
303
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,922
Either that or work.
304
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,257
So, what's the pitch, old man?
305
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,009
Team up with me, boys,
306
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:43,596
and we'll go for the biggest
honey pot of them all.
307
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,310
{\an8}(gasps) Oh, my God.
308
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:52,062
I don't know.
Fleecing old people?
309
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,397
Oh, why not?
310
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:54,732
If we don't take their money
311
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:56,859
they'll just give it
to some televangelist.
312
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:59,445
Let's dust a few fossils.
313
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:03,449
Now, this scam was
in The Sting, Part II
314
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:06,035
so nobody knows about it.
315
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,078
(whispering) Now as I recall,
Jackie Gleason--
316
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:14,251
Which one of you youngsters
is Abe Simpson?
317
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:15,753
I'm Abe Simpson.
318
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,506
{\an8}You've just won $10 million
319
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,008
{\an8}from that publisher's
cleary-dealy.
320
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:22,426
What?
321
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,178
Everybody, come quick.
322
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:25,888
Abe Simpson is rich!
323
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,640
I can't believe it.
324
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:32,228
I can finally afford a young,
crazy, stripper wife.
325
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:33,938
(weak cheering)
326
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:37,775
Yeah, I'm going to get me
the craziest, strippiest
327
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,568
most... God... (groans)
328
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,822
He's dead.
329
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:43,989
(murmuring)
330
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,449
Oh, this is terrible.
331
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,493
Now who do we give the money to?
332
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,329
{\an8}I guess we'll just have to haul
the check back to headquarters.
333
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,665
{\an8}Too bad we couldn't just give it
to these nice folks.
334
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:53,874
Forget it, Ed.
335
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:56,836
Do you know what it costs
to sign over a check this big?
336
00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,631
Why, the wealth transfer fee
would run at least $100 a head.
337
00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,216
You're right.
We'd better just take this check
338
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,509
back for shredding.
339
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:04,552
No, wait.
340
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,345
We got 100 bucks each.
341
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,304
Hang on.
342
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,434
(people murmuring)
343
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:13,811
Thank you. No shoving.
344
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,604
That's right,
put your money in here.
345
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,730
All of it.
346
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:17,940
Is that everyone?
347
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,025
What's your problem, sport?
348
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,610
Afraid to be rich?
349
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,321
Hold your horses.
I'll get to you.
350
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,533
-FBI.
-(yells)
351
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:29,034
You're under arrest for fraud.
352
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,035
(gasp)
353
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:33,414
Mm-hmm! (scoffs)
354
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,250
(old man voice)
Throw the book at him, sonny.
355
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:39,795
-D-oh!
-Now, where's the inside man?
356
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:41,881
(grunts)
357
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:45,426
Call me mint jelly,
'cause I'm on the lam.
358
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:49,680
(laughing away)
359
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,058
So, we're under arrest
for fraud?
360
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,477
-Yes, fraud.
-(whimpers)
361
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,903
{\an8}Well, this is about
the flashiest car
362
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,112
{\an8}I've ever impounded.
363
00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:07,907
Thanks. Whoo, it took
a lot of grifting.
364
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:08,908
(grunts)
365
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:11,243
Please, FBI man,
don't throw us in jail.
366
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,037
We just made one mistake.
367
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,080
Yeah. We're not criminals.
368
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,291
We're just two crazy,
mixed-up kids.
369
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,378
Hmm, OK, I'll tell you what.
370
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,088
I'll let you turn yourselves in.
371
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,757
Maybe they'll go easier on you.
372
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,634
You'd do that for us?
373
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,844
Well, I did ruin
the boy's birthday cake.
374
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,096
Go on in, but I'll be watching.
375
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,723
OK, thank you, sir.
376
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,769
Don't worry, son.
I have an idea.
377
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,606
Chief, I'd like
to scare my son straight.
378
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858
Could I show him a jail cell?
379
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:43,943
Oh, sure.
380
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,861
I'll put you
in the Rick James suite.
381
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,446
It's super-freaky.
382
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,287
-OK we're all locked up now.
-Yeah.
383
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,122
(muttering) You big idiot.
384
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,332
Excellent.
385
00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,292
I guess I'll just
be swiping your car now.
386
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,502
-Huh?
-Huh?
387
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,421
Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
388
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,758
So long, suckers. Whoo-hoo!
389
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,971
That's not an FBI badge.
390
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,223
"Colgate Cavity Patrol"?
391
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,349
Oh!
392
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:16,976
That guy was a grifter.
393
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,686
Yeah, he conned us good.
394
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,480
Well, at least we still have our
jobs at the sweepstakes place.
395
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:22,856
What?
396
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,817
Mom's going to wonder
where the car went.
397
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:25,985
We better have a good story.
398
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,363
Well, lies got us into this mess, son.
399
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,991
From now on,
it's honesty all the way.
400
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,742
You were carjacked?
401
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,452
In the church parking lot?
402
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:36,745
Absolutely.
403
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,831
We had stopped in
for a quick prayer when...
404
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,749
Bart, would you call him
a crazy man?
405
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:41,875
Definitely.
406
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,544
Well, crazy about carjacking.
407
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:44,878
{\an8}What did he look like?
408
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,047
Um, let's see...
409
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:50,884
he was foreign, and he had--
410
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,220
Wild, bushy hair,
like an animal.
411
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,263
Anything else?
412
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,306
Well, he seemed like a loner.
413
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,017
Kept to himself mostly.
414
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,518
And he said
if we went to the cops
415
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:00,686
he'd come back for Maggie.
416
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,854
(gasping) Oh, dear.
417
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,689
We don't want that.
418
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:06,775
Anyhoo, the whole nightmare's
really made us sleepy.
419
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,110
(melodramatic yawn)
420
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,029
Let's hit the hay.
421
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,655
(Homer snoring)
422
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:12,781
Homie!
423
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,074
Homie, wake up.
424
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,160
They've captured your
crazed foreign carjacker.
425
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,244
Huh?
426
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,204
But that's impossible.
427
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,956
They're arresting him right now.
428
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,876
{\an8}I did not do it, I tell you!
429
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,544
Uh-oh.
430
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,671
{\an8}At least let me comb me hair.
431
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,673
{\an8}It's all wild and bushy.
432
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:31,592
{\an8}What do you care, loner?
433
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:34,053
Wow, look at that.
434
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,846
-But who told the police?
-We did.
435
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,766
After we got Maggie to
a safe house, of course.
436
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,311
Um, she hasn't touched
her Manwich.
437
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,813
WILLIE:
You cannot do this to Willie!
438
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,857
{\an8}I'm innocent, I tell you.
439
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:48,358
They always say
they're innocent.
440
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,027
It's such a turnoff.
441
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,279
Dad, Willie got arrested
because of us.
442
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:53,947
Of course he did, son.
443
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:55,699
He's a filthy crook.
444
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,742
Now let's all hit the hay.
445
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,327
It's 10:00 in the morning.
446
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,954
I guess you haven't
heard of chloroform.
447
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:02,706
(inhales deeply)
448
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:03,707
(snoring)
449
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:08,295
Will you tell the court
your whereabouts
450
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,464
at the time of the carjacking?
451
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,925
I was alone in me
Unabomber-style shack.
452
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,260
I had nothing to do
with that carjacking.
453
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:16,720
Carjacking?
454
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,890
Who said anything
about a carjacking?
455
00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:21,016
(muttering)
456
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,643
But didn't you just say...?
457
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,770
I'll ask the questions here,
Carjacker Willie!
458
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,688
-Objection!
I'm going to allow it.
459
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,982
It characterizes
the defendant as a carjacker.
460
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,860
Dad, we've got to tell
everyone the truth.
461
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,612
Let's see how this plays out.
462
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:38,200
Mr. Simpson, could you describe
your assailant to the court?
463
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,577
I told you, my memory is fuzzy.
464
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,162
Fuzzy.
465
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:45,040
Fuzzy, like Willie's beard?
466
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,501
-(spectators gasp)
-Yes, exactly.
467
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,712
No, no, I mean
the whole incident is hazy.
468
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,382
Hazy, like the moors
of Scotland?
469
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,342
{\an8}-(spectators gasp)
-Yes, exactly!
470
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,469
(all murmuring)
471
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,846
Oh.
472
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,431
(sniffing)
473
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,309
{\an8}Hey! Mountain Dew?
474
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,477
Oh.
475
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,317
Mr. Foreman, has the jury
reached a verdict?
476
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,569
(clears throat)
477
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,156
I believe we was promised
five dollars a day.
478
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,867
All right, then. Guilty.
479
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,076
(sobbing)
480
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,578
JUDGE: Carjacker Willie,
481
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,664
I sentence you
to ten years in prison.
482
00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:27,791
(spectators gasp)
483
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,543
Dad, tell them.
484
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:31,253
When the time is right.
485
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:34,006
Ten years? But I didna do it.
486
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:35,883
Sure, you didna.
487
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,718
Now, let's get you
to Attica, and we can...
488
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:38,886
No!
489
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,014
You'll never send me
up the river!
490
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,015
Dad...
491
00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:45,434
Let's see where
he's going with this.
492
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:46,977
(clamoring)
493
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,353
-(gunshot)
-(gasps)
494
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:51,231
Willie, as your employer,
I insist that you...
495
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,816
-(gunshot)
-Ow!
496
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:54,526
Stop!
497
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:57,196
This has gone on
just long enough.
498
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:58,989
Nobody carjacked me.
499
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:02,201
I tried to pull a con,
and got conned myself
500
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:05,287
and then I lied to you all.
501
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,164
(sobbing)
502
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,500
So did Bart.
503
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,462
(resumes sobbing)
504
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
OK, players.
505
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:16,924
That's a wrap.
506
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,176
(cheers and applause)
507
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,719
BOTH: Uh?
508
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,596
Nice work, everybody.
509
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:23,680
Wait a minute.
510
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,265
This whole thing was a setup?
511
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,517
But Skinner got shot!
512
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,646
Yup, blanks and a blood pack.
513
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:32,147
Hey, watch it.
514
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,233
I look like cable TV.
515
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:36,026
What about that bullet hole
in your hair?
516
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:38,403
Squibs.
517
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:42,282
(chuckling) Yeah,
we hornswoggled you good.
518
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,368
What about the guy
who took my car?
519
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,704
Devon Bradley,
520
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,623
character actor, dancer, singer.
521
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:50,958
I'm a triple threat.
522
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:53,377
He's doing Dreamcoat
at the dinner theater.
523
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:57,214
I can't believe
everyone was in on it.
524
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:58,382
Willie wasn't!
525
00:20:58,465 --> 00:20:59,967
Wait a minute. You're telling me
526
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,094
the police force, the TV news
527
00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,763
a courthouse full of people
and a popular entertainer
528
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:08,100
had nothing better to do than
to teach me and Bart a lesson?
529
00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:11,937
I know it seems far-fetched even
insulting to your intelligence
530
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:15,023
{\an8}but there's a simple and highly
satisfying explanation.
531
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,483
You see...
532
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,443
Hey, everybody! Surf's up!
533
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:21,280
(cheers and applause)
534
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,490
Cowabunga!
535
00:21:23,573 --> 00:21:24,449
Whoo!
536
00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,369
(surf music playing)
537
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:31,915
Hey, hey!
538
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:33,792
(groans)
539
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,378
-Ah!
-(music continues)
540
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:25,927
-(murmuring)
-Shh!
541
00:22:29,264 --> 00:22:31,266
{\an8}Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services