1
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,672
The Simpsons

2
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D'oh!

3
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Let's get started.

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00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,285
First I'd like to
announce that
thanks to the magic

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of Disney Animatronics,

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Strom Thurmond
will live another
100 years.

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Twenty more terms!

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Moving on to new business,
what act of unmitigated evil

9
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,217
shall the Republican Party
undertake this week?

10
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,593
Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

11
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You've already
done enough, Nader.

12
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Let's get rid of PBS!

13
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Those lousy Muppets
have been taking

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food out of my mouth
for too long!

15
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I say we crack down
on the hippies.

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Bla.

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What about this
dang environment?

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00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,236
Back in Texas,
we got rid of it,

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and it made everyone
a lot happier.

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He was so happy...

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Excellent.

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We shall destroy
the environment

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by scrapping every
anti-pollution law.

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Now Bob Dole
will read from
the Necronomicon.

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In addition,
the administration
has declared

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recycling a felony.

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And Smokey the Bear
is now Choppy the Lumberjack.

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These trees are our
national heritage!

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A grizzly bear
with a chainsaw.

30
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Now there's
a killing machine!

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Stop endangering yourself.
Stop endangering yourself.

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Eyes stinging!

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Good Lord! Acid rain!

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I'm singing
in the rain

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Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling

36
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It burns like
a Glasgow bikini wax!

37
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We'd better stay inside,
at least until the squirrels
stop melting.

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No problem.
There's plenty of
activities inside.

39
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Now let's see
how our blind dates
liked each other.

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Oh, I really felt
there was a connection,

41
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and I would
definitely go out
with her again.

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He smelled like puke!

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The TV!

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Stop screaming, Homer.

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Quit trying to
control me.

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We don't need TV
to have family fun.

47
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Why don't we
play Monopoly?

48
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Which version?

49
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We've got
Star Wars Monopoly.

50
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Let's stick to
original Monopoly.

51
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The game is crazy
enough as it is.

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How can an iron
be a landlord?

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Pennsylvania Avenue.

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I want to buy a house.
Hey, where'd they go?

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New shooter!

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That's it, baby.
Welcome to Marvin Gardens.

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00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:12,793
We'll see
about that.
One, two, three...

58
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:13,878
D'oh!

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00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,050
You're a little
light here, Dad.

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I'm good for the rest.
You know I am.

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Well, I'd like
to trust you, Homer.

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But you've been
in jail three times.

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They told me
it would be like
this on the outside.

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These hotels
are made of Legos.
Bart, you're cheating!

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Lisa, it was probably
an accident.

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Oh, sure.
You take his side

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just because he
bought you that house
on St. James Place.

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Who else is gonna
take care of her? Dad?

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00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,327
Why you little...

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00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,787
Stop fighting!

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Mom, that's not
how you pry
them apart.

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I've been prying
them apart since
before you were born!

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Okay. Everyone
turn to the left.

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Hey!
Oh, come on,
people.

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The Prison Nutcracker Suite
is one week away.

76
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,734
And I don't see
five Sugar Plums.

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I see five guys
who don't know

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their moves
and don't seem to care!

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There, I said it!

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That better be Wardrobe.

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And it better be
good news.

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Hello?

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It sounds like
a domestic disturbance.

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All right.
We'll be right back.

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And don't try anything,
because Johanssen
there is a snitch.

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Another case of
Monopoly-related
violence, Chief.

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How do those
Parker Brothers
sleep at night?

88
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We better send in
the Negotia-bot.

89
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I am Brenda.
I am programmed to talk

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in a calm and
constructive manner.

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Destroy! Destroy!

92
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Hey, this is taffy!

93
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Police brutality!

94
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And chew-tality!

95
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Nice work, Brenda.
I'll take it from here.

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No way.
This is my collar.

97
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Too bad
real women don't come
with these, huh?

98
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You got that right.
Quiet, you!

99
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That counts as
your phone call.

100
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Thanks a lot,
everybody.

101
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Now, I'll never
get into an Ivy
League school.

102
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You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.

103
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You're going to Stanford.
You're going to Stanford.

104
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Take it back!
Take it back!

105
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Stanford.
This family has
hit rock bottom.

106
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Hello. I'm Gabriel.

107
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A heavenly choir.
You must be an angel!

108
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No. That's my pager.

109
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I'm a social worker.

110
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I'm here to help
you stop fighting
and become a family again.

111
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No. You are
an angel.

112
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Like Denzel Washington
in The Preacher's Wife,

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or Will Smith
in Bagger Vance,
or Slimer in Ghostbusters.

114
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Sir, we know
you're not an angel.

115
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My husband sees
too many movies.

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Don't blame me.
Blame Tinseltown
in its second golden age,

117
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may it never end.

118
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In a difficult
case like this,

119
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I like to observe
each family
member individually.

120
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Well, my room
is my sanctuary.

121
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My family knows
that and respects that.

122
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I got sprayed by
a skunk! Let me rub it
off on your sweaters!

123
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Just 10 more years.
Just 10 more years.

124
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Just 10 more years.

125
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Attention, everyone.
This is Gabriel,
my personal social worker.

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He has to be here.
I'm just that nuts.

127
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How come you get
a social worker?

128
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I'm the one
with stigmata.

129
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Thank you, Marge.
You sure do
love cooking.

130
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Food keeps
my family happy.

131
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So, I make a few
practice dinners
before showtime.

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Because at 6:00,
we go live!

133
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Ah! Okay, Gabriel,
this is a bar.

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It's where I go
to drink alcohol,

135
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which is the
mortal equivalent
of your ambrosia.

136
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Homer, I am not an angel!

137
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Well,
not with that temper.

138
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Look, the thing
about my family is
there's five of us.

139
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Marge, Bart,
Girl Bart,

140
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the one who
doesn't talk,
and the fat guy.

141
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How I loathe him!

142
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Oh!

143
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Okay. Why are we
in the woods?

144
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Is this heaven?
No.

145
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I brought you out
here to shake off

146
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your negative
behavior patterns.

147
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Marge, you medicate
your family with food.

148
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Bart, you'll do
anything for attention.

149
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Cut that out!

150
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They chose me.

151
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,999
Homer, your problem
is quite simple.

152
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You're a drunken,
childish buffoon.

153
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Which is society's
fault because...

154
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It's your fault, Homer.
But I've got an exercise

155
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that will help
all of you break out of
the roles you're stuck in.

156
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Who feels
like lunch?
Me!

157
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Me!
Right here!

158
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Me, too!
Good.

159
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I hung it on
the top of that tree.

160
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,852
But how are we
supposed to get it?

161
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You'll just
have to cooperate.

162
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,523
Cooperate?

163
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:11,485
Well, this is
one family that
doesn't swing that way!

164
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,237
Are you sure?

165
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,030
I made roast
beef sandwiches,

166
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one falafel...
Thank you.

167
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:17,783
...and plenty
of beer.

168
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:18,951
Give me that beer!

169
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,637
Gabriel, are you okay?

170
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,140
Yes. But I'm afraid
your lunch

171
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has attracted some
unwanted visitors.

172
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:49,273
We've got to do
something! But what?

173
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,607
Okay, family huddle.

174
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:53,068
Here's how
it's gonna go down.

175
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:55,446
As a family,
we drive away.

176
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,407
We cover for each
other as a family.

177
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,117
That's what Gabriel
would've wanted.

178
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,119
Look. We can't fall
into old patterns.

179
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,829
We've got to
think of a plan.

180
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,540
Okay. But
talk like this.

181
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,584
Fine. I'll talk
like this.

182
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,710
What?

183
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:15,257
Look, Gabriel!
We're learning
to work together!

184
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,760
That's great.
But so are the wolves
and cougars!

185
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:33,108
Dad's on the log. Now,
Mom, you get the car
and pull them to safety!

186
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:37,154
My driving ankle.

187
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,574
Bart, I know
this sounds crazy,

188
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,868
but do you think
you can drive a car?

189
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:45,329
Okay. But it's
my first time.

190
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:46,789
Here's the keys.

191
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:47,873
I got a set.

192
00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,968
Now, Bart!

193
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,145
Give them the food!

194
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:18,320
Oh, no!
The roast beef is
making them stronger!

195
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,572
And the falafel is
making them angrier!

196
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,412
Give them the beer!

197
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,288
It will impair
their motor skills!

198
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,833
No! I will never...

199
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,251
Oh, wait. It's Blatz.

200
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:42,261
Hey, they're
all right.

201
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:44,847
(SINGING) We are family

202
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,683
Our bitter fights
are now history

203
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,269
We are family

204
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,813
Wolves and cougars
ate our roast beef

205
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,441
Well, I think
you all did great.

206
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,859
You broke out of
your normal roles

207
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,236
to accomplish
something as a family.

208
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,155
I really earned
my wings.

209
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:02,448
I knew it!

210
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,700
No. I mean this CD.

211
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,706
Band on the run

212
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:15,210
You know, we've been
through some 280
adventures together,

213
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:18,297
but our bond has
never been stronger.

214
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,381
Mmm.

215
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:23,635
Yeah. Our family
is as functional
as all get out.

216
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:28,056
Could this be
the end of our series
of events?

217
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,521
Can I help you?

218
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:36,899
Yeah. I'm looking
for Homer Simpson.

219
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:41,069
Oh, it's the woman
I married in Vegas!

220
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,907
Homer, you're
a bad man,

221
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,201
and your seed
should be wiped
from the earth.

222
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,286
No offense, children.

223
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,129
Homer and Ned,
you may now
kiss your brides.

224
00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,632
Give it to me, baby.

225
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,260
Homer!
It's okay!
We're married!

226
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:09,223
You and Ned married
a couple of floozies?

227
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,184
Marge, I'm sorry!
But it wasn't my fault.

228
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,685
Liquors drunkened me!

229
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,230
If I had known
there were loose
women in Las Vegas,

230
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,357
I would never
have let you go!

231
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:21,068
Look, I did marry her!
But I abandoned her!

232
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,403
Amber, tell her how
I abandoned you!

233
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,614
This is the worst thing
you've ever done!

234
00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:31,161
Well, Ginger,

235
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,456
it sure is neat
that you managed
to hunt me down.

236
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,083
Where's the bed?

237
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,878
Oh Lord,
I know my new wife
is a little more

238
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,171
peppermint than
you're used to.

239
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:44,883
But I know you'd want me
to honor my sacred vows.
So, I will.

240
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:48,345
Hey, stud. Where do
you keep your Wet Ones?
I need a shower.

241
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,722
Oh, we've got a real
shower upstairs.

242
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:53,225
Upstairs? I hit
the jackpot!

243
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:01,233
So, sitting
on the bed, eh?

244
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,151
Get out, Homer.

245
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,822
Look, I married her.
But that is as
far as we went.

246
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,783
We never ever made whoopee,
or even mouth whoopee!

247
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:13,078
Homer, I don't know
if I can ever forgive you.

248
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,913
Please go away.

249
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,039
Fair enough.

250
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,874
But I'm gonna come back
with the greatest gift

251
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:21,920
a husband can give his wife.
An annulment from
his secret wife.

252
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:28,427
Mr. Simpson,
under Nevada law, bigamy,
or "Mormon Hold 'Em,"

253
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,513
is perfectly legal.
Both marriages stand.

254
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,599
But I only love Marge!

255
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,893
I hereby order you
to take care of
both of your wives!

256
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,312
Bailiff, ring him!

257
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:50,490
You can't kick me out.
It'll cause a miscount
in the census!

258
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,075
A miscount!

259
00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:55,954
Of all things
to ever come back

260
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,415
and bite me in the ass,
this is the worst!

261
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,046
Please, just
leave me alone.

262
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:07,966
Now, now.
Mama's gonna
make you a snack.

263
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:09,301
Ooh!

264
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,888
Oh, yeah.
That's good.

265
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,891
Don't stop. Oh, yeah...

266
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,186
Faster! Faster! Faster!

267
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:22,648
Faster! Oh,
you do that
like a pro!

268
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:26,735
Oh, no.
She's making him
a sandwich!

269
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,028
Use both hands!

270
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:35,035
Rise and shine
and give God
your glory, glory!

271
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,705
Me and the boys
made you breakfast
in bed.

272
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:39,915
It's the best
darn-diddily way

273
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,042
to start your
first Flanders day.

274
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:45,003
Think you can
Irish up this coffee
for me?

275
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,089
Oops. Watch the swears,
honey bear.

276
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,591
We don't use the "I"
word in this house.

277
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,427
Where's my cigarettes?

278
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,013
We flushed your sin
sticks down to hell.

279
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:56,848
Smokers are jokers.

280
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:58,684
Smokers are jokers!
Smokers are jokers!

281
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,519
I think I'm
gonna throw up.

282
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:04,022
Who wants to
hold Mommy's hair?

283
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,524
Me! Me!
I do!

284
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:10,362
Hey, Vegas Mom,
how long are you
gonna stay here?

285
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:14,116
I'm not going
anywhere. I already
unpacked my delicates.

286
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,911
Doesn't it bother you
that you're breaking up
our family?

287
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,248
You know,
I bet you and me
could be friends.

288
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:23,250
I could show you
how to put on makeup.

289
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,043
I'm eight years old.

290
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:26,795
You could look seven.

291
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:29,256
And I could teach
you to count cards.

292
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:30,966
Nah. I already
got a system.

293
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:32,801
Jeez, Homer.
I thought someone

294
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,553
with two wives
would be happy.

295
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,805
No. You're thinking
of someone
with two knives.

296
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,474
I gotta tell you,
this is pretty terrific.

297
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,268
Yeah!

298
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,962
Can't panic.
Must remain calm.

299
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:26,563
Ah! The sweet couple
of seconds before

300
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,399
I remember why I'm
sleeping on the lawn.

301
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,235
Homer?
Marge, you're
speaking to me?

302
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,279
Why don't you come
inside and we'll talk?

303
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:37,240
Talk about what?
Sports? Bigamy?

304
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,201
Bigamy!

305
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,619
Not a sports fan, huh?

306
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,041
You insensitive jerk!

307
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,336
Maybe this family
would be better
off without you!

308
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:52,255
You know,
there are only
so many times

309
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,091
I can say I'm sorry
and still mean it!

310
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:58,595
Why don't you just
take Britney Beers
and get out of here?

311
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:01,389
I would,
if it wasn't
for the kids!

312
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,600
Hey, the heart wants
what it wants, dude.

313
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,185
We had a good run.

314
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,315
Well, that's the last
we'll see of them.

315
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:13,068
Come on.
We're going to Moe's.

316
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,865
My lady's glass
is empty, Moe.

317
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,451
Bring her another
Cookies and Cream martini.

318
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:25,997
No, honey.
This time make it
a Sex on the Beach.

319
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:28,416
And hold the Beach!

320
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:32,003
Hey, Homer.
Your new wife is great.

321
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:34,005
Her lips look
like night crawlers!

322
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,967
You know, she can
put that mole
anywhere on her face.

323
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,218
Wow.

324
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:43,056
To Amber, who proves
there are seconds in
the buffet of life.

325
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:53,483
Oh, my head! Aspirin.

326
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,320
RU-486.

327
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,657
Morning, love muffin.

328
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,950
Who are you?

329
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,285
I'm your new husband.

330
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,121
And that was a wedding night
I'll never forget!

331
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:08,206
Oh, no. We didn't.

332
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,250
Well, we almost didn't.

333
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:13,628
But you wouldn't take
"I can't" for an answer.

334
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:17,632
You want to give
Honest Abe another term
in the Oval Office?

335
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,717
No!

336
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:19,885
Oh, thank God!

337
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,140
We're married?
But how?

338
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:30,270
Do you, Amber,
take Abraham as your
lawful wedded husband,

339
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:32,480
renouncing all others?

340
00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:34,733
Oh, sure.

341
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,776
He paid for the hour.

342
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,113
Whoo-hoo!

343
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:41,948
You crapped out,
Vegas Mom!

344
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,492
Our plan
worked perfectly.

345
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,745
And we carried it
out as a family.

346
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:48,997
What plan?
You got me drunk.

347
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:52,876
Yeah. But this time
you woke up with
more than a hangover!

348
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,837
You're married
to me! Me!

349
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,676
I can't take it!
You're too goody-goody!

350
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,596
That's not you
talking. That's the
honey-mustard dressing!

351
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,265
Come on, Ginger.
Let's go back to Vegas.

352
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:10,685
Yeah. I'm sure
there's poker games
we can be won in.

353
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:17,776
I'm so proud of us.

354
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,779
When we stick together,
we can do anything.

355
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:23,698
Oh! I lost
another wife!

356
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,659
I'm so sorry, Grampa.

357
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:29,496
Well, it hurts now.
But the senility
will take care of that.

358
00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,374
There she goes.

359
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:35,251
You know,
I have a son
about your age.

360
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,632
Oh, I love that.

361
00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:33,935
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