1 00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:05,755 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:11,219 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:12,387 (tires screech) 4 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:16,016 D'oh! 5 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,101 -Aah! -(tires screeching) 6 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,645 (glass shattering) 7 00:00:32,657 --> 00:00:34,242 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: The News on Parade Corporation presents... 8 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,542 {\an8}Bringing you the world of current events! 9 00:00:49,257 --> 00:00:50,759 {\an8}New gadgets! 10 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:53,636 -(train whistle blowing) -(all screaming) 11 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,929 And Hollywood! 12 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:59,642 Look! It's Amos from radio's Amos and Andy. 13 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,519 Hello, everybody! 14 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,400 It's a proud day as Springfield is declared... 15 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,236 one of America's 400 fastest growing cities! 16 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,197 And why not? Business is booming! 17 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,617 Half the country wears Springfield galoshes. 18 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,745 And say hello to the state's first Aqua-Car factory. 19 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:21,456 Keep 'em coming, boys! The city's even 20 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:24,417 {\an8}in the celebrity business. Everyone knows Professor "Rubber Mouth" 21 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,461 {\an8}-hails from Springfield. -MAN: Bravo! 22 00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,505 Everybody's chipping in. 23 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:32,675 Even this fella has Springfield's can-do spirit! 24 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,804 -(barks) -So, watch out, Utica. 25 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:39,724 Springfield is a city on the grow. 26 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,351 (crowd murmuring) 27 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,355 {\an8}Ha! The way people act around here, 28 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,148 {\an8}you'd think the streets were paved with gold. 29 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:48,942 {\an8}They are. 30 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:51,069 {\an8}-(tires screeching) -(car crashing) 31 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,657 {\an8}(siren wailing, gunshots) 32 00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:59,828 {\an8}Got any spare change, man? 33 00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:02,122 {\an8}Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! 34 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,542 {\an8}Everybody wants somethin' for nothin'. 35 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,585 {\an8}-(door slams) -I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme! 36 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,965 (humming) Huh? Hey! 37 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:14,092 There's something you don't see in a toilet every day. 38 00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:17,428 {\an8}Anybody lose their glasses? 39 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,848 {\an8}Last chance. Whoo-hoo! 40 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,728 {\an8}The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle 41 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,564 {\an8}is equal to the square root of the remaining side. 42 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:29,983 {\an8}-That's a right triangle, ya idiot! -D'oh! 43 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,653 {\an8}Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger. 44 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,071 It was fun. 45 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,823 We'll let you know if your glasses turn up. 46 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,535 Uh, yes. Well, I'm sure I left them in the car. 47 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:43,079 {\an8}(thinking) No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. 48 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:47,041 {\an8}Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords. 49 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,211 -Mm-Hmm. Mmm. -Mm. Huh. 50 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,548 -(scoffs, sighs) -Mmm. Hmm. 51 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,384 Sir, bad news from accounting. The economy's hit us pretty hard. 52 00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:59,846 (scoffs) Tough times, huh? I've lived through 12 recessions, 53 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,432 eight panics and five years of McKinleynomics. 54 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:03,391 I'll survive this. 55 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:06,186 Even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees. 56 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:10,857 Oh! Very well. Lay off... him, him, him, him-- Hmm. 57 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,902 Better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy. 58 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,113 Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you. 59 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,867 Lisa, just because you're 10 feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do. 60 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,494 -I'm Bart. -Give me those. 61 00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,663 {\an8}And finally, Henry Kissinger was hospitalized today 62 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,458 {\an8}after walking into a wall. 63 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,211 Now over to Kent Brockman with some grim economic news. 64 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,379 Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be 65 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:35,590 down here at the unemployment office. 66 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:38,468 Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. 67 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:41,387 Useful people are starting to feel the pinch. 68 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,641 I haven't been able to find a job in six years. 69 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,476 Huh. And what training do you have? 70 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,646 Five years of modern dance. Six years of tap. 71 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,773 {\an8}BROCKMAN: The economic slump began last spring, 72 00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,733 {\an8}when the government closed Fort Springfield, 73 00:03:53,816 --> 00:03:57,153 devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. 74 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,113 Now, at the risk of being unpopular, 75 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,865 this reporter places the blame 76 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,659 for all this squarely on you, the viewers. 77 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,664 I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury... 78 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,291 to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. 79 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,460 And once elected, I will send for the rest of you. 80 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,588 Boo! 81 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:19,008 -Excuse me, Mr. Mayor? -The chair recognizes 82 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,135 the little chick with the gleam of hope in her eyes. 83 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,889 This piggy bank contains $15 I saved from my allowance. 84 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:28,518 It isn't much, but I would like to help. 85 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,646 Aw, just what I need to tip the skycaps. 86 00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:33,856 I'll tell you what made this town great! 87 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,484 Good, old-fashioned gumption! 88 00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:39,487 There's nothing here a little elbow grease won't fix! 89 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,698 So let's roll up our sleeves... 90 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,574 and-- (snoring) 91 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,618 People! People! 92 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,995 Let's be a little more realistic. 93 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,372 Now, I, uh, hesitate to bring this up, 94 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,666 but a number of cities have rejuvenated their economies... 95 00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,960 with, uh, legalized gambling. 96 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:55,878 (crowd murmuring) 97 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,756 There is an added bonus. Some of the revenue... 98 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,175 can go to help our underfunded public schools. 99 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:04,971 (distant cricket sound) 100 00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,933 -Well, I like the part about the gambling. -What do you think, Reverend? 101 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:12,687 Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. 102 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,647 -(cheering) -By building a casino, 103 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,734 I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! 104 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,068 (cheering) 105 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,279 -(belches) -(cheering) 106 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,325 Well, now. Are there any objections? 107 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,744 MAN: Oh, probably Marge is gonna have some. 108 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,746 (crowd murmuring Marge's name) 109 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,248 Actually, I think it might really help our economy. 110 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,584 (murmuring excitedly) 111 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,128 Very well then. Instead of fleeing this town, 112 00:05:37,211 --> 00:05:40,381 I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds. 113 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:41,799 (cheering) 114 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,552 (shouting, cheering) 115 00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:48,556 This could be a whole new beginning for Springfield. 116 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,683 And you know what the best part is? 117 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,728 We've really done something for the children. 118 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:55,897 (man shouting) 119 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,285 MAYOR QUIMBY: We're thrilled you've decided 120 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,037 to build your casino on our waterfront. 121 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:15,416 Oh, I 'll never forget my carefree boyhood days on this old boardwalk. 122 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,711 -(children chattering) -(electricity buzzing) 123 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,422 -(chattering continues) -♪♪ (calliope) 124 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,383 (screams) Why, you-- (gasps) 125 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,551 Master Burns! I mean, carry on. 126 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,845 -(yelping) -(giggling) 127 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:30,765 Me leg's gone gimpy! Who'll provide for me little ones? 128 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:33,643 (laughing) 129 00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,313 (laughing continues) 130 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,900 (laughing continues) 131 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,488 (laughing continues) 132 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,742 (laughing continues) 133 00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:54,455 Oh! What was I laughing at now? 134 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,165 (panting) 135 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,376 Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman. 136 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:02,004 (laughing) 137 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,549 Sir, the designers are here with some prototypes for your casino. 138 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,884 Gentlemen, I give you Britannia! 139 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,011 Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. 140 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,181 Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits. 141 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,767 Fresh from the streets of Sussex they are! (clicks tongue) 142 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,644 Freshen your drink, governor? 143 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:20,022 -Get out. -Okay. All right. Wait-- 144 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,150 - Now-- Now, dig this, man-- - Get out! 145 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,110 {\an8}(chuckles) Wow. Oh, let me just get my head together. 146 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,112 {\an8}Now! 147 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:29,157 I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. 148 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,368 We'll sail round the Horn and return with spices and silk, 149 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,954 the likes of which ye have never seen. 150 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,999 -We're building a casino! -Arr. 151 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:40,001 Can you give me five minutes? 152 00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,504 (scoffs) Idiots. I'll design it myself! I know what people like. 153 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,966 It's got to have sex appeal and a catchy name. 154 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,556 Mom, we're having a geography pageant at school, 155 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,725 and I don't know which state to go as. 156 00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:58,978 In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada? 157 00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,105 No. Nevada makes my butt look big. 158 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,399 Then how 'bout going as Florida? 159 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,527 You enjoy orange juice. Old people like you. 160 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:07,612 Dad, what do you think? 161 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:11,032 Shh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble. 162 00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,826 -Why? -I got a job at Burns' casino. 163 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,413 As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer. 164 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,416 Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on The Gong Show. 165 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,211 And you did it in 1977. Remember? 166 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:27,298 -♪♪ ("Oh! Susanna") -(audience jeering) 167 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,219 (gonging continues) 168 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:35,473 We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire. 169 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,940 Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. 170 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,025 Welcome to Mr. Burns' casino. 171 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,236 If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, 172 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,612 please, just let me know. 173 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:50,863 Yeah, great. See ya! 174 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,573 Uh, don't forget to apply for... 175 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,784 our V.I.P. platinum club for special discounts on-- 176 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,370 -Hey! I said bug off! -(whimpers) 177 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,417 {\an8}Uh, let's see. Eighteen, 27, 35-- 178 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:07,004 {\an8}Dealer bust! Looks like you all win again. 179 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,048 Yee-Haw! Homer, 180 00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,509 I want you to have my lucky hat. 181 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,511 I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, 182 00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:16,013 and it always brings me good luck. 183 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:19,600 Why, thanks, Senator. Oop! Looks like my shift is over. 184 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,519 (all) Uh-Oh! 185 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,980 GRAMPA: Come on, lucky seven! 186 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,399 Papa needs a new pair of spats. 187 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:29,569 I want some of that sweet, sweet do-re-mi! 188 00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,862 Fat City, here I come! 189 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,990 Please throw the dice now. Please. Now. 190 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,325 Don't rush me! I have arthritis. 191 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,327 Will the gentleman please roll the dice? 192 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,329 All right, all right, smart guy. 193 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,499 (gasps) Oh, for crying out loud, I dropped one. 194 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,501 Oh! Now it's in my shoe! 195 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,587 Ow! Ow! Ooh! 196 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:49,630 Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! 197 00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:56,095 A round of applause please for Anastasia! 198 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,222 She loves show business. 199 00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,641 So much nicer than the savagery of the jungle, ja? 200 00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:08,065 -(honking) -(low growl) 201 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,651 Hey, tiger! Wake up! 202 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,486 (growling) 203 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,363 (roaring) 204 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,536 -(roaring) -(screaming) 205 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,996 (shouting in German) 206 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,295 Whoo-hoo! Jackpot. 207 00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,505 Wait a minute! Are you over 21? 208 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,799 -Are you? -I'm not authorized to answer that. 209 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:38,429 (grunts) By the way, your martinis suck! 210 00:10:38,512 --> 00:10:41,140 Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Start your own casino, 211 00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,851 in your tree house and get all your little friends to come? 212 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,479 I'd like to see that! (laughing) 213 00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:50,107 Hi. Yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day! Mm-hmm. 214 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,193 Well, he certainly showed me. 215 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,322 MARGE: Hi, Homie! 216 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,450 Hey, Marge, after your big tantrum against legalized gambling, 217 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:02,161 I bet it feels pretty weird to be in a casino. 218 00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:05,581 -I was for the casino! -Strike three, Marge! 219 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:08,959 I remember that meeting, and I have a photographic memory. 220 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,588 Legalized gambling is a bad idea. 221 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,049 You can build a casino over my dead body. 222 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:18,344 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 223 00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,805 -For you. It's the president. -Y'ello? 224 00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,432 And then I said to the president-- get this-- 225 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,643 Marge? Marge? 226 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,104 Hmm. 227 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,233 Hmm, I wonder if they have a lost and found. 228 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,152 Oh, what the hey! 229 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,282 -(coins clanking) -♪♪ (fanfare) 230 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,785 Mmm! 231 00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:46,831 Hmm. 232 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,836 -(lights buzzing) -(distant chatter) 233 00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:55,047 (chattering continues) 234 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,591 Hey, how's it goin'? Hey! Good to see you. Tell your friends. 235 00:11:57,675 --> 00:12:00,219 Lookin' lucky! Hey, what's happenin'? Love the jacket. 236 00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,889 -(meows) -Behold the box of mystery! 237 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,601 The cat goes in-- (straining) Right here-- 238 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:11,397 (screeching) 239 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,566 (screeching continues) 240 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,860 Twenty-one? 241 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,404 Do that card-counting thing again. Come on. Do it again. 242 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:20,114 Definitely have to leave the table. 243 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,158 No! Please, please, please, please, please. 244 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,119 Gotta watch Wapner. Leave the table. Yeah, leave the table. 245 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,621 -No! -(screaming) 246 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:30,207 (screaming) 247 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,720 Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago. 248 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,930 I've discovered the perfect business. 249 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,933 People swarm in, empty their pockets and scuttle off! 250 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,019 Nothing can stop me now! 251 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,521 Except microscopic germs. 252 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,064 But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers? 253 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,858 Uh-- No, sir. 254 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,907 -(jingling) -(whimpering) 255 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,828 (whimpering) 256 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:14,376 {\an8}Whoa! A baby on the table! That's good luck! 257 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,878 {\an8}ALL: Yay! 258 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,839 -Snake eyes. Sorry. -ALL: Boo! 259 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:24,136 Garsh, it must be excitin' to live in the casino. 260 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,681 -Ja. -You know, we are having a party tonight. 261 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,978 -(roaring) -(grunts) 262 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,106 Whoa, Marge! You gotta watch out. 263 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:39,026 Your little boy Bart could have been eaten by that pony! 264 00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,529 (gasps) Oh, my God! Barney, thank you. 265 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,614 I would never have forgiven myself. 266 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:45,908 Now, you stay put, young lady. 267 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,035 -(grunting) -Oh! 268 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:50,371 Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. 269 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:53,290 Wow! Free beer! 270 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:55,209 Buddy, those are my quarters! 271 00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,586 -(belches) -Hey, this guy's paying off! 272 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,923 -(belching) -(chattering) 273 00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:09,765 I don't wanna hit a sore spot, but can we talk about herpes? 274 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,851 ♪ Herpes, herpes bo-berpes ♪ 275 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:15,437 ♪ Banana-fana, fo-ferpes herpes, oh ♪ 276 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,773 Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head-- 277 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,234 Herpes! Trust me. 278 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:24,029 -Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh? -(person coughing) 279 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,949 You people are the worst audience I've ever seen. 280 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,034 Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen! 281 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:32,663 Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next 90 minutes. 282 00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,915 -Fine with us. -(groans) 283 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,965 They're all covered with filthy germs! Aren't they, Smithers? 284 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,174 Why, what do you mean, sir? 285 00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:49,221 -GERMS: Freemasons run the country! -Ew! 286 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,599 (Marge grunting) 287 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,020 Marge, you waited for me! 288 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:58,147 (grunts) 289 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,232 -Okay, Marge. Let's go. -I'll catch up to you. 290 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,776 -Marge, I'm taking the car. -I'll walk. 291 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,779 -This late? Through the bad neighborhood? -Yeah. 292 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,324 -Marge-- -Go home! You're bad luck! 293 00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:12,453 Wait! I see what's happening here. 294 00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:17,499 You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you! 295 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:21,337 -Well, that's just sad. -(grunting continues) 296 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,928 (grunting) 297 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,221 -Um-- -What? 298 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:32,765 Excuse me, ma'am. Don't you think you've gambled enough? 299 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:34,308 No! 300 00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:38,854 Okay. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink. 301 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,689 (meows) 302 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,066 Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? 303 00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:44,526 I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. 304 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,904 And she hasn't even started my costume for the geography pageant. 305 00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:49,698 Pipe down, sister! I gotta book a new act for tonight. 306 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,826 Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli. 307 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,204 (shivers, grunts) 308 00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:58,332 -There's nothing to eat for breakfast! -You gotta improvise, Lisa. 309 00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:02,795 Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust-- Mmm! 310 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,172 Maybe Mom just doesn't realize we miss her. 311 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,383 We could go down to the casino and let her know. 312 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,635 Aw, come on, Lisa. There's no reason to-- 313 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,931 Let's go see Mom. 314 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:16,100 (grunting) 315 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:18,769 Marge, we need to talk. 316 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,062 You're spending too much time at the casino, 317 00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,563 and I think you may have a problem. 318 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,565 I won $60 last night. 319 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,026 Whoo-hoo! Problem solved! 320 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,946 Smithers, I've designed a new plane. 321 00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:32,157 I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers... 322 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:37,121 from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes! 323 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,957 -That's quite a nice model, sir. -Model? 324 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,627 -Mom! -Huh? What? Lisa, what's up? 325 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,505 -I just had a bad dream. -Oh, sure. 326 00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,966 You just lie down and tell me all about it. 327 00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,926 Well, I know it's absurd, 328 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,970 but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding-- 329 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,972 (screams) Bogeyman! 330 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:57,182 You nail the windows shut. I'll get the gun. 331 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,977 (grunts) Bart, I don't want to alarm you, 332 00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:02,855 but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house. 333 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,023 (screams) 334 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,567 (tires screeching) 335 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,197 (trembling audibly) 336 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,408 -(Bart and Lisa sighing) -Hmm. 337 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,619 -What happened here? -Nothing, Marge. Just a little incident 338 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,747 -involving the bogeyman! -(gunshot) 339 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:20,956 None of this would have happened 340 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,792 if you had been here to keep me from acting stupid! 341 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,546 Oh, I'm sorry. I have been spending too much time at the casino. 342 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,548 I'll be around more from now on. 343 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:32,009 Does this mean you'll help me with my costume? 344 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,095 Oh, sure, honey. I promise. 345 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,598 -Thanks, Mom. -Mmm. 346 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,225 Aw, just like on TV. 347 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:44,063 -(grunts) -(canned laughter, applause) 348 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,150 Hi. You from the casino? 349 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,277 -I'm from a casino. -Good enough. Let's go. 350 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,404 {\an8}(lights buzzing) 351 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,159 I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir. 352 00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:00,370 Hmm. Very well. Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors. 353 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:04,041 (panting) 354 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,919 Are you sure this is the casino? 355 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:09,046 I think I should call my manager. 356 00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:11,590 Your manager says for you to shut up! 357 00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:13,592 Vera said that? Huh. 358 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:16,345 (grunting) 359 00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:19,681 Dad! Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume. 360 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,518 And she's not! And the geography pageant is tonight! 361 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,062 Lisa, your mom still loves you. 362 00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:28,899 It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot jockey. 363 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,402 But, Dad, if I don't show up in a rubber suit shaped like the state of Florida, 364 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,239 I'll be the laughingstock of the whole school. 365 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,324 Oh, it's always something, isn't it? 366 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:40,285 First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital... 367 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,538 so she can give birth to you, and now this! 368 00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,707 Ow, ow, ow, ow. 369 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,918 Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! 370 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,632 -Dad! -(chuckling) Oh, yeah. The costume. 371 00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:56,510 Hello, "Floreda"! 372 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,221 {\an8}(gasps) I'm not a state! 373 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,974 I'm a monster! (sobbing) 374 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,770 No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster... 375 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,897 that has enslaved your mother! 376 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,983 I call him Gamblor! 377 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,528 And it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! 378 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:18,282 (groaning) Marge! Where are you? 379 00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,200 Damn this casino! 380 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,453 (grunts) 381 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:27,666 -(yells) -Double stars! Everybody wins! 382 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,501 (cheering) 383 00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,170 -(grunting) -Hey! 384 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:35,215 -Seven. Lucky seven! -(cheering) 385 00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:39,136 -Yeah-- Ooh! -He can't talk now. 386 00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:42,306 (grunting) 387 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,016 Marge? 388 00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,310 -Hey! -Smithers, 389 00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:49,188 I don't want that unpredictable lunatic working in my casino. 390 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,523 Fine. We'll transfer him to the nuclear plant, sir. 391 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,693 Oh, my beloved plant. How I miss her. 392 00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:56,737 Bah! To hell with this! 393 00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,947 Get my razor! Draw a bath! 394 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,576 -And get these Kleenex boxes off my feet! -Certainly, sir. 395 00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:06,330 -And, uh, the jars of urine? -Oh, we'll hang on to those. 396 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:09,124 Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! 397 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,335 -Hop in! -But, sir-- (gasps) 398 00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:14,129 I said hop in. 399 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,548 (panting, gasps) 400 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,343 (grunting) 401 00:20:19,426 --> 00:20:21,345 (shouting incoherently) 402 00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:23,347 Homer, what is it? Slow down. 403 00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:26,600 Yer getta ferda redda oura. 404 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,602 Think before you say each word. 405 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:32,314 -You broke a promise to your child. -What? 406 00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:36,318 You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. 407 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:39,446 You made her cry. Then I cried. 408 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:43,242 Then Maggie laughed. She's such a little trouper. 409 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,328 (gasps) Lisa's costume! 410 00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:51,166 (gasps) Homer, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry. 411 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:55,295 Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem. 412 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:58,131 You know, you're right, Homer. 413 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,467 Maybe I should get some professional help. 414 00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:03,011 No, no! That's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore. 415 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,388 ♪♪ (jazz intro) 416 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:06,390 ♪ Jingle bells Batman smells ♪ 417 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,600 ♪ Robin laid an egg ♪ 418 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:12,396 ♪ Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away, hey ♪ 419 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,523 Thank you! Thank you very much. 420 00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:16,483 -Ow! -Oh, I'm sorry, kid. 421 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,361 And special awards go to the two students... 422 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,405 who obviously had no help from their parents: 423 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:24,700 Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum. 424 00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:27,244 -I'm Idaho! -Yes, of course you are. 425 00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:30,372 You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage, 426 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:33,166 I can finally look down my nose at you. 427 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,252 You have a gambling problem! 428 00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:37,754 That's true. Will you forgive me? 429 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:40,007 Oh, sure! 430 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:42,426 Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? 431 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:43,969 -(groans) -Well, that's nothing, 432 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:46,555 because you have a gambling problem! 433 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,974 And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house... 434 00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:50,976 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus? 435 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:54,104 -(groans) -Well, you have a gambling problem! 436 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:57,441 Homer, when you forgive someone, you can't throw it back at them like that. 437 00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,234 Aw, what a gyp. 438 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,361 -Mmm. -Remember when I-- 439 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,322 -Homer! -Oh, yeah. I forgot already. 440 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:11,830 {\an8}♪♪ 441 00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:59,252 (slot machine spinning, coins clanking) 442 00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:02,547 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.