1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922
{\an8}<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973
(chalk screeches)

3
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394
(bell rings)

4
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525
(work whistle blows)

5
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905
-(sucking)
-(register beeping)

6
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,418
(jazzy solo)

7
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,464
(tires screech)

8
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,180
(tires screeching)

9
00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,893
(horn honks)

10
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270
(tires screech)

11
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482
D'oh!

12
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734
-Aah!
-(tires screech)

13
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,390
{\an8}<i>♪ The Monster Mash ♪</i>

14
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,559
{\an8}<i>♪ And do my</i>
<i>graveyard smash ♪</i>

15
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,145
{\an8}MARTY:
<i>Doing the "Monster Mash" with you</i>

16
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,231
{\an8}<i>on this beautiful</i>
<i>Valentine's Day.</i>

17
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,024
{\an8}BILL:<i> Marty, why did</i>
<i>you play that song today?</i>

18
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,068
{\an8}<i>There must be thousands</i>
<i>of love songs.</i>

19
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,779
{\an8}MARTY:
<i>Well, it's-it's kind of a love song.</i>

20
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,156
{\an8}<i>All the monsters enjoying</i>
<i>each other's company,</i>

21
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,282
{\an8}<i>you know, dancing.</i>

22
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,909
{\an8}<i>Holding their evil in check.</i>

23
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,203
{\an8}BILL: You played
the wrong record, didn't you?

24
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,247
{\an8}MARTY:
<i>Why are you doing this to me?</i>

25
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:08,086
{\an8}Bah! This is just another
Hallmark holiday

26
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,463
{\an8}cooked up to sell cards.

27
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:14,467
{\an8}Oh, a Valentine
from my granddaughter.

28
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,803
{\an8}Could I have the envelope?

29
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:20,890
{\an8}"To Moe,
from your secret admirer."

30
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,684
{\an8}Yoo-hoo!

31
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,102
{\an8}Oh, God, no.

32
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,728
{\an8}(kisses, belches)

33
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,565
{\an8}And this is
for my huggy bug

34
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,692
{\an8}in honor
of this special day.

35
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,026
{\an8}(thinking)
<i>Special day?</i>

36
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,528
{\an8}<i>Oh, what have</i>
<i>I forgotten now?</i>

37
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,780
{\an8}<i>Now don't panic.</i>
<i>Is it bacon day?</i>

38
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,657
{\an8}<i>No, that's crazy talk.</i>

39
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,242
{\an8}<i>She's getting impatient.</i>

40
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,577
{\an8}<i>Take a stab at it.</i>

41
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,413
{\an8}Happy Valentine's Day.

42
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,081
{\an8}Oh, thank you, dear.

43
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,791
{\an8}Woo-hoo!

44
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,252
{\an8}I'll bet you have a lot of
things planned, eh, Dad?

45
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,212
Uh, kind of.

46
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:55,216
Nobody makes a big deal
out of Valentine's Day.

47
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,719
<i>♪ If you think I'm cuddly ♪</i>

48
00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:00,180
<i>♪ And you want my company ♪</i>

49
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,432
<i>♪ Come on, wifey,</i>
<i>let me know ♪</i>

50
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:06,102
<i>♪ Ow, ow, ow, oww! ♪</i>

51
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,813
Hey, Dad, why don't you
give Mom her present?

52
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,566
What a nice idea, son.

53
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902
It's, uh...

54
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,654
upstairs on the second
floor of our house.

55
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,032
I'll just go get it.

56
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,241
(footsteps)

57
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,743
(door slams)

58
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,203
(footsteps)

59
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,913
(Homer grunting and groaning)

60
00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,915
(screaming)

61
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,668
Apu, you got
to help me.

62
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,545
I need a Valentine's gift
for my wife.

63
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,006
Perhaps this might
be appropriate.

64
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,009
Yes! You saved my life.
How much?

65
00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,135
$100.

66
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,637
What?
That's highway robbery.

67
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:41,763
I won't pay it.

68
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,348
Oh, I think you will.

69
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,350
Forget it, pal.

70
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,310
(humming)

71
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,608
All right! But I'll
never shop here again.

72
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,486
(thinking) <i>If he discovers</i>
<i>the discount supermarket next door,</i>

73
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,987
<i>all is lost.</i>

74
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,990
-Nickel off on expired baby food.
-Sold!

75
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,910
Miss Hoover, can we
exchange our valentines?

76
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,495
Not just yet, Janey.

77
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,914
First, we're going to
construct paper mailboxes

78
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,582
to store the valentines.

79
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,542
Isn't that pointless busywork?

80
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,294
Bull's-eye! Get cracking.

81
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,255
Yes, Ralph?

82
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,298
My parents won't let me
use scissors.

83
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:18,841
(children giggling)

84
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,094
The children are right
to laugh at you, Ralph.

85
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,179
These things
couldn't cut butter.

86
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,598
Now take out your red crayons.

87
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,808
Miss Hoover?

88
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:27,976
Yes, Ralph?

89
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:30,311
I don't have a red crayon.

90
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,981
-Why not?
-I ate it.

91
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,318
<i>Attention, everyone.</i>
<i>This is Principal Skinner.</i>

92
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,779
Some student,
possibly Bart Simpson,

93
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,364
has been circulating
candy hearts

94
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,574
featuring crude,
off-color sentiments.

95
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,659
Well, let me
tell you something.

96
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:47,495
Valentine's Day is no joke.

97
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,214
Sending your chick
a valentine, huh?

98
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,841
Yep.

99
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,802
(gunfire and screaming)

100
00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,804
Johnny.

101
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,097
Johnny!

102
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,433
Johnny!!

103
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:11,436
Cool.
I broke his brain.

104
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,687
All right, children.

105
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,106
You may now
exchange valentines.

106
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,109
Miss Hoover, I glued
my head to my shoulder.

107
00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:20,153
(chuckling)

108
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,207
(sniffling)

109
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,209
(sobbing)

110
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,878
Poor Ralph.

111
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,756
Here you go, Ralph.

112
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:40,715
(gasps)

113
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,136
You choo-choo-choose me?

114
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,013
Happy Valentine's.

115
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,225
(sighing)

116
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,229
All right,
special holiday meal.

117
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,650
Where do you want
these beef hearts?

118
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,277
On the floor.

119
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,528
It doesn't look very clean.

120
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,405
Just do your job, heart-boy.

121
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,284
(creaking)

122
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:11,579
(heart beats)

123
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,627
(moaning)

124
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,295
Bart, what's wrong?

125
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,963
My baboon heart.

126
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,465
Body...

127
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,883
rejecting it.

128
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,928
(screaming)

129
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,054
Mm-hmm.

130
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:29,263
(school bell rings)

131
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:37,355
Can I walk you home...
valentine?

132
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:38,940
Sure, I guess.

133
00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:42,151
That valentine
sure was funny.

134
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,070
(chuckles)
Glad you liked it.

135
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:48,074
It says,
"Choo-choo-choose me."

136
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,952
And there's a picture
of a train.

137
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,954
Yeah, nice gag.

138
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:57,083
Uh, so...

139
00:06:57,166 --> 00:07:00,586
do you like... stuff?

140
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,758
The doctor said I wouldn't
have so many nosebleeds

141
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,302
if I kept my finger
out of there.

142
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,930
(nervous chuckle)
Well, here's my house.

143
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,894
{\an8}<i>♪ ...and fight,</i>
<i>The Itchy & Scratchy show ♪</i>

144
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,303
<i>Hey, kids, don't forget to</i>
<i>watch my 29th anniversary show</i>

145
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:53,723
<i>featuring clips like</i>
<i>this one of Sideshow Mel</i>

146
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,600
<i>whacked out on wowee sauce.</i>

147
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:59,270
<i>(drunkenly)</i>
<i>Everyone's always kissing your ass.</i>

148
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:02,607
<i>Well, I'm not afraid</i>
<i>to tell you,</i>

149
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:03,983
<i>you're a (bleep).</i>

150
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:07,153
Oh, I'd give anything
to go to that show.

151
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,280
I'd sell my first-born son.

152
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,574
-Hey!
-You'll do as you're told.

153
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,284
Ralph thinks
I like him,

154
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,702
but I only gave him
a valentine

155
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,787
'cause I felt
sorry for him.

156
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,206
Ah, sweet pity.

157
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,291
Where would my love life
have been without it?

158
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,667
What do you say
to a boy

159
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,127
to let him know
you're not interested?

160
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,670
Well, honey--

161
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,048
Let me handle this, Marge.
I've heard 'em all.

162
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,758
"I like you as a friend."

163
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,551
"I think we should
see other people.

164
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,011
"I no speak English."

165
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,095
I get the idea.

166
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,305
"I'm married to the sea."

167
00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,349
"I don't want to kill you,
but I will."

168
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:39,602
Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy
that you're very flattered,

169
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:42,438
but you're not ready
for this kind of thing.

170
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,523
Thanks, Mom.

171
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,107
And if that doesn't work,

172
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,150
six simple words:

173
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,778
"I'm not gay,
but I'll learn."

174
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,073
Ralph, I think you're nice,
but I'm just not ready

175
00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:53,157
for this kind of thing.

176
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,534
Do you understand?

177
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:55,826
I guess so.

178
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,411
Good.

179
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,668
Dad, how do you get
a girl to like you?

180
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,046
Son, whether you want to win
a girl or crack a nut,

181
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,839
the key is persistence.

182
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,801
Keep at it,
and never lose your cool.

183
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:14,303
(grunts)

184
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347
Ah, come on,
you stupid...

185
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,726
Let that be a lesson
to the rest of you... nuts.

186
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,271
Okay, Dad.
I'll be persistent.

187
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,230
Is that how you got Mom?

188
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,440
Well, son,

189
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:30,027
never underestimate the appeal
of a man in uniform.

190
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,904
Oh, yeah!

191
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,282
(Wiggum chewing)

192
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,242
Oh. Mmm.
Oh, yeah.

193
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,000
<i>Hey, boys and girls,</i>
<i>only four days</i>

194
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,543
<i>till my anniversary show.</i>

195
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,087
<i>29 years,</i>
<i>and when I came on,</i>

196
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,547
<i>they said</i>
<i>I wouldn't last a week.</i>

197
00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,424
<i>And you know where</i>
<i>those reviewers are?</i>

198
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,259
<i>All dead.</i>

199
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,554
<i>How you doing down there,</i>
<i>fellas? Huh? Huh?</i>

200
00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:58,139
<i>Anyway, here's a clip.</i>

201
00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:03,311
<i>Now why do they call this</i>
<i>a urine monkey?</i>

202
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,022
<i>Oh... I just found out.</i>

203
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,941
That's funny
for so many reasons.

204
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,359
We have to go
to that show.

205
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,445
Forget it.
To get those tickets,

206
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,613
our parents would
have to be part

207
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,489
of Springfield's
cultural elite.

208
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,199
Can you believe Flanders

209
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,535
threw out a perfectly
good toothbrush?

210
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,331
Ew.

211
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,498
(doorbell ringing)

212
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,210
Oh, no, it's Ralph.

213
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,630
Just make up some excuse.

214
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,632
She's in the can.
Go away.

215
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,674
Yes, sir.

216
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,301
I'd do anything for Lisa.

217
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,887
Really?

218
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:44,393
Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes
are making me dizzy.

219
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,896
Yeah, they'll do that.

220
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,359
"Dearest Martha,
since boyhood

221
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,486
"I have yearned to be
on the one-dollar bill,

222
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:57,114
"and with your help,
this, I shall achieve.

223
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,116
Sincerely, George Washington."

224
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,576
(class applauds)

225
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,286
Thank you, Rex.

226
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,749
I've selected the cast
for our Presidents' Day pageant.

227
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,959
Martha Washington
will be played by...

228
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,920
-Lisa Simpson.
-(giggles)

229
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,339
HOOVER: George Washington
will be played by...

230
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,548
(clears throat)

231
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,008
-Ralph Wiggum.
-(gasps)

232
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,051
Hmm.

233
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,387
What? This is a travesty.

234
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,430
Everyone knows
I'm the best actor

235
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,765
in this ridiculous school.

236
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,101
-Sit down, Rex.
-I will not sit down.

237
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,269
Someone's gotten to you,
you deceitful cow.

238
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,729
That's absurd, Rex.

239
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,524
Ralph won the part
fair and square.

240
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,109
That's the signal.

241
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,486
Take the boot
off the car, boys.

242
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,571
(chuckling)

243
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,740
Now Ralph is
in the play with me.

244
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,534
I just know he's going
to embarrass me

245
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,577
in front
of the whole school.

246
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,578
(knocking)

247
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,746
Huh?

248
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,918
Oh, no,
it's a package from Ralph.

249
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,424
Oh, a Malibu Stacy
convertible.

250
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,217
"Look in the tunk."

251
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,677
He must mean "trunk."

252
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,974
(gasps) Tickets to
the Krusty anniversary show!

253
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,144
Oh, he must want me
to go with him.

254
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,854
Oh, it isn't fair.

255
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,273
I'm ten times
the Krusty fan you are.

256
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:15,651
I even have the Krusty
home pregnancy test.

257
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,612
I'm not sure I should go.
I don't even like him.

258
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,072
You're right, Lis.
You shouldn't go.

259
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,282
It wouldn't be honest.

260
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,325
I'll go, disguised as you.

261
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,244
What if he wants
to hold hands?

262
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,954
I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.

263
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,497
What if he wants a kiss?

264
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,540
I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.

265
00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:30,666
What if he--

266
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,334
You don't want to know
how far I'll go.

267
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,962
Dad, is it right

268
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,714
to take things from people
you don't like?

269
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,924
Sure it is, honey.

270
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,093
You do mean stealing,
don't you?

271
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,512
{\an8}Well, actually,
it's not as bad as stealing,

272
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,347
but my conscience
is bothering me.

273
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,849
Your conscience?

274
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,518
Lisa, don't let
that pushy, little weenie

275
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,936
tell you what to do.

276
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,230
Homer, that's
a terrible thing to say.

277
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,440
Oh, shut up.

278
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,233
Yes, sir.

279
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,739
I am so glad you
cho-cho-choose to come.

280
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:04,700
Heh. I think you should
give that a rest, Ralph.

281
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,994
Chief Wiggum, how did you
ever get these tickets?

282
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,788
Krusty knows
how to play ball.

283
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,212
Ah... nothing beats
a good porno movie.

284
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,756
Chief Wiggum,
is this a bust?

285
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,049
Uh, yeah.

286
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,510
That's just what it is,
a bust.

287
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,553
That story isn't suitable
for children.

288
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,473
Really? I keep my pants on
in this version.

289
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,475
Ew.

290
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,684
ANNOUNCER:
<i>It's the Krusty the Clown</i>

291
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,436
<i>29th Anniversary Show!</i>

292
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,771
Hey!

293
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,690
(applause and cheering)

294
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,150
Thank you. Thank you.

295
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,277
Hey, Mr. President.

296
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,570
I campaigned
for the other guy,

297
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,280
but I voted for you.

298
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:45,241
(goofy laughter)

299
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,244
You know, I started this
show so long ago,

300
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:52,122
the ayatollah only
had a goatee. Ha ha!

301
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,374
(buzzer sounds)

302
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,585
What's the matter,

303
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,587
don't you people
read the papers?

304
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,923
Ah, let's look at some clips.

305
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,927
{\an8}"He will not see me
stopping here

306
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,596
{\an8}to watch his woods
fill up with snow..."

307
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,559
{\an8}Hey, Frosty, you want some
snow, man? Bwah!

308
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,563
{\an8}We discussed this,
and I said no.

309
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,898
(applause)

310
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,234
Now, here's a clip from 1973.

311
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:23,779
<i>♪ Try to run, try to hide ♪</i>

312
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,532
<i>♪ Break on through</i>
<i>to the other side ♪</i>

313
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,910
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

314
00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,036
Ah!

315
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,371
What was I on?

316
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,624
Lisa, do you want
a bite of my ice cream?

317
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,625
No, thanks.

318
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,168
Send it this way, boy.

319
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,254
-Whoops.
-Aw.

320
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:44,216
Aw... nothing gets
chocolate out. See?

321
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,553
I've worked with some marvelous
second bananas over the years,

322
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:51,056
but none more memorable
than Sideshow Raheem.

323
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:55,185
Uh, the script says
I'm supposed to bonk you with this.

324
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770
I wouldn't.

325
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,272
Right on.

326
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,025
(queasy groan)

327
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:03,611
(applause)

328
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,113
Angry, angry young man.

329
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,782
Now for my favorite
part of the show.

330
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,910
What's that say?

331
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,786
"Talk to the audience?"

332
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,164
Oh, God,
this is always death.

333
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,457
All right.

334
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,918
Oh, no, please don't
show me with Ralph.

335
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,794
What's your name, son?

336
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:23,088
-Ralph.
-(Lisa whimpers)

337
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,299
And is this
your girlfriend, Ralph?

338
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,927
Yes, I love Lisa Simpson.

339
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,054
And when I grow up,
I'm going to marry her.

340
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,640
No!

341
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,891
Now you listen to me.

342
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:36,477
I don't like you.
I never liked you.

343
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,520
And the only reason I gave
you that stupid valentine

344
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,606
<i>was because</i>
<i>nobody else would!</i>

345
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858
Watch this, Lis.
You can actually

346
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,194
pinpoint the second when
his heart rips in half.

347
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,322
And... now.

348
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,742
(groans)

349
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,836
At least you guys
are my friends.

350
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:05,965
(quacking)

351
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,549
(sighing)

352
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,468
Son, I know just
how you feel.

353
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,346
You've got a great little girl,
and the world's your oyster.

354
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,807
No, Dad, she made
a fool out of me.

355
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,185
Hey, come to think of it,
she did.

356
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,521
Well, she didn't reckon

357
00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,482
with the awesome power
of the chief of police.

358
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,485
Now, where did I put my badge?

359
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,946
Hey!
That duck's got it.

360
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,614
Oh, come on, come on,
give it back.

361
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,491
I need it.

362
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,993
Ah, keep it.

363
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,080
(police siren)

364
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,499
Something wrong, officer?

365
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,543
Yeah, got a taillight out.

366
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,211
Where?

367
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,671
Right there.

368
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,632
You know, one day honest
citizens are going to stand up

369
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,384
to you crooked cops.

370
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,969
They are? Oh, no.

371
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,762
Have they set a date?

372
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,021
This orange drink
is the only way

373
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,065
to recoup our terrible losses
from "Fire Drill Follies."

374
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,900
I just don't know
what went wrong.

375
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,736
You opened the show
with a fire drill,

376
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,988
and everyone cleared out.

377
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,032
Hmm. So mother was right.

378
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,200
It was my fault.

379
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,661
Go ahead,
water it down some more.

380
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:21,707
My God, man, I've watered her
down as far as she'll go.

381
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,710
I cannot water no more.

382
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,295
Good evening,
everyone, and welcome

383
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,130
to a wonderful evening
of theater

384
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:32,259
and picking up
after yourselves.

385
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:36,013
We begin with a tribute to
our lesser-known presidents.

386
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:39,183
("Hail to the Chief" playing)

387
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:43,187
<i>♪ We are the</i>
<i>mediocre presidents ♪</i>

388
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:46,607
<i>♪ You won't find our faces</i>
<i>on dollars or on cents ♪</i>

389
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,317
<i>♪ There's Taylor,</i>
<i>there's Tyler ♪</i>

390
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,985
<i>♪ There's Fillmore</i>
<i>and there's Hayes ♪</i>

391
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,695
<i>♪ There's William</i>
<i>Henry Harrison ♪</i>

392
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,363
<i>♪ I died in 30 days ♪</i>

393
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:58,410
<i>♪ We are the adequate,</i>
<i>forgettable ♪</i>

394
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,538
<i>♪ Occasionally regrettable ♪</i>

395
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,582
<i>♪ Caretaker presidents ♪</i>

396
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:09,004
<i>♪ Of the U.S.A. ♪</i>

397
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:17,930
Hey girls,
check out this president.

398
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,182
(imitating Nixon)
I am not a butt.

399
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,184
(screaming)

400
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,228
Bart, do you want to
play John Wilkes Booth,

401
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:25,687
or do you want to
act like a maniac?

402
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,688
I'll be good.

403
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,820
Ralph, I'm sorry I--

404
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:33,987
Leave me alone.

405
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,156
I'm here to play
George Washington.

406
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,075
Uh... Ralph?

407
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:43,664
Miss Hoover, this beard's
giving me a rash.

408
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,166
Milhouse, you have one line
and then you're shot.

409
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,334
Now get out there.

410
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:52,005
I thought that Civil War
would never end.

411
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,966
Now to soothe my head

412
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,802
with an evening
at Ford's Theater.

413
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,638
Oh, no, John Wilkes Booth!

414
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,932
Hasta la vista, Abie.

415
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:05,477
(Milhouse grunting,
Bart imitating gunshots)

416
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,521
Come on boy, finish him off.

417
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:08,939
(screaming)

418
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,525
You're next,
Chester A. Arthur.

419
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,362
Unhand me, yankee.

420
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,698
And now our evening
comes to an end.

421
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:18,699
Woo-hoo!

422
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,325
With a thorough re-telling

423
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,244
of the life
of George Washington.

424
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,579
HOMER:
D'oh!

425
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,459
Dear, dear George Washington.

426
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:33,005
Can this liberty you dream of
be worth all this bloodshed?

427
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,675
Well, can it?

428
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,974
Dear madam,
would you put a price

429
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,642
on the air we breathe,

430
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,978
or the providence
that sustains us?

431
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:50,647
But couldn't we just
give in to the British?

432
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,274
Never!

433
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,067
(cheering, applause)

434
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,321
That boy is magnificent.

435
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,574
He makes me want to learn more
about our founding fathers.

436
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:02,242
To the library.

437
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,869
Yeah!

438
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:07,581
Dear Martha, I fear
my time is at hand.

439
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:10,626
Oh, George.

440
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,878
Your broth,
Mr. President.

441
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,339
I asked for no broth.

442
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:18,759
Away with you, lest my cane
find your backside.

443
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:19,927
Hmm, yes.

444
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,013
(sobbing)

445
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,349
Please don't leave me,
George.

446
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:28,685
Dear wife, if I could take
but one treasure

447
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,188
with me
to the next life,

448
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,774
it would be
your tender kiss.

449
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,653
Mmm...

450
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,863
Now that's a man.

451
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:49,498
I did not cry
when me own father

452
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,708
was hung for stealing a pig,

453
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:55,545
but I'll cry now.
(sobbing)

454
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:03,303
<i>♪ From sea to ♪</i>

455
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:07,808
<i>♪ Shining sea ♪</i>

456
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,059
Thanks for coming.

457
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:11,228
And don't forget to
purchase some orange drink

458
00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:14,773
for the long ride home.

459
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:17,484
Ralph! Ralph!
You were so good!

460
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,486
Ralph!

461
00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:20,862
Lisa.

462
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197
Hi, Ralph.

463
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,949
You were great tonight.

464
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,284
Aw, thanks.

465
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,369
I've got something
for you.

466
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,289
"Let's bee friends!"

467
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:31,498
It says "Bee,"

468
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,667
and there's a picture
of a bee on it.

469
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:35,460
(both chuckle)

470
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,254
I thought you'd like it.

471
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:41,508
Oh, look at that.

472
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:42,926
<i>Attention, all units.</i>

473
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:45,345
<i>-Riot in progress at--</i>
-Not tonight.

474
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,389
BILL: <i>Hey, hey! Bill and</i>
<i>Marty here wrapping up</i>

475
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,516
<i>a beautiful President's Day.</i>

476
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,810
MARTY: <i>To George and Abe</i>
<i>and all the rest,</i>

477
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,104
<i>here's a special song</i>
<i>just for you.</i>

478
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:57,524
<i>♪ I was working in</i>
<i>the lab late one night ♪</i>

479
00:21:57,607 --> 00:21:58,859
MARTY: <i>Doggone it!</i>

480
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:00,736
<i>♪ When my eyes beheld</i>
<i>an eerie sight ♪</i>

481
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:04,406
<i>♪ For my monster from</i>
<i>his slab began to rise ♪</i>

482
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:07,534
<i>♪ And suddenly</i>
<i>to my surprise ♪</i>

483
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:09,202
{\an8}<i>♪ He did the mash ♪</i>

484
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,996
{\an8}<i>♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪</i>

485
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,331
{\an8}<i>♪ The Monster Mash ♪</i>

486
00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:14,333
{\an8}<i>♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪</i>

487
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,001
{\an8}<i>♪ He did the mash ♪</i>

488
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,003
{\an8}<i>♪ It caught on in a flash ♪</i>

489
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:19,504
{\an8}<i>♪ He did the mash ♪</i>

490
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:22,007
{\an8}<i>♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪</i>

491
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,551
{\an8}<i>♪ From my laboratory</i>
<i>in the castle east ♪</i>

492
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,221
{\an8}<i>♪ To the master bedroom</i>
<i>where the vampires feast ♪</i>

493
00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:32,225
{\an8}<i>♪ The ghouls all came</i>
<i>from their humble abodes ♪</i>

494
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,519
{\an8}<i>♪ To catch a jolt</i>
<i>from my electrodes ♪</i>

495
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:36,355
{\an8}<i>♪ They did the mash ♪</i>

496
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:38,357
{\an8}<i>♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪</i>

497
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,983
{\an8}<i>♪ The Monster Mash ♪</i>

498
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,568
{\an8}<i>♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪</i>

499
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,028
{\an8}<i>♪ They did the mash ♪</i>

500
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:44,821
{\an8}<i>♪ It caught on in a flash ♪</i>

501
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:46,531
{\an8}<i>♪ They did the mash ♪</i>

502
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,784
{\an8}<i>♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪</i>

503
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:52,245
{\an8}<i>♪ The zombies</i>
<i>were having fun ♪</i>

504
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:56,583
{\an8}<i>♪ The party had just begun ♪</i>

505
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,210
Shh!

506
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,507
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.