♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(engine revving)
ANNOUNCER: Hey, Lance Murdock,
you just jumped 16 blazing school buses.
What are you going to do now?
(groaning) I'm going to Duff Gardens.
Duff Gardens-- home of the whiplash.
To be completed in 1994.
(Lance groaning)
(screaming)
(all screaming)
And the washing machine.
(choking, gasping)
ALL: Wow!
See the happiest fish in the world
at our fabulous Beer-quarium.
(moaning)
(belches)
Bart, warm up the car.
We're going to Duff Gardens.
BOTH: Yay!
Now, what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
BOTH: We're under six.
And I'm a college student.
Kids, I have some bad news.
Your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Gladys, Gladys...
about yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
No, honey, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
(shuddering)
Oh, yeah, there she is.
The funeral's in Littleneck Falls.
Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
We understand.
No use complaining about something you can't change.
But I want to go to Duff Gardens right now!
Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
(whines) I'm not pouting.
I'm mourning.
Stupid dead woman.
♪ On top of spaghetti ♪
♪ All covered with cheese ♪
♪ I lost my poor meatball ♪
If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral.
♪ Ding dong, the witch is dead ♪
♪ Which old witch? ♪
♪ The wicked witch ♪
Homer!
Patty, Selma, I'm sorry.
He's hugging us. What do we do?
Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
(grunting)
Hey, Homer, this luggage is crushing me.
Hey, you don't hear Lisa complaining.
(muffled groan)
I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
Her legend will live forever.
Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman.
(laughing)
Legend of the dog-faced woman.
Oh, that's good.
Homer, that's very rude of you.
What? D'ohhh!
Could we please stop somewhere?
My butt's asleep.
(slurping and chewing)
All right, I'm almost there.
Ohhh!
Another place mat, sir?
Please.
While we're waiting for our pie,
let's take a minute to remember Great-Aunt Gladys.
Hmm, wait a minute. That was "Prince of Tides."
Five...
six...
seven...
eight...
What are you playing?
-Counting game. -That's nice.
Nine...
ten...
MINISTER: He was a good man.
He was a kind man.
He gave to his community
and asked little in return. He never--
(whispering)
That's a woman?
Dear Lord!
(laughs nervously)
Uh, well... I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.
Take a seat, bozo.
And that eulogy better not show up on the bill.
I'll keep this short.
Gladys lived alone, died alone.
I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me.
She wasn't a rich woman...
(grumbling)
...but she was rich in spirit.
Forgot my hat.
Don't hassle the dead, boy.
They have eerie powers.
(snorts)
I thought this thing was gonna be catered.
Boy, am I hungry.
I mean, I'm really, really hungry.
It's just not fair, damn it!
(sobbing)
Oh...
Good-bye, Great-Aunt Gladys.
I wish I'd made more of an effort
to get to know you these last few years.
(raspy voice) Don't worry about it.
(screaming)
(laughs malevolently)
I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate.
She left a video will,
so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "play" button.
Pretty sweet, eh?
I would like to start by reading a passage
from Robert Frost.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and..."
(tape fast forwarding)
Homer!
All in favor of skipping the poem?
Thank you.
"...and that has made all the difference."
Now, let's get down to business.
LIONEL HUTZ'S VOICE: To my executor, Lionel Hutz,
I leave $50,000.
Mr. Hutz!
You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would.
To Marge, I leave my collection of
potato chips that resemble celebrities.
They're all here.
Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier,
right up to Jay Leno.
These chips were my children, Margery.
Take special care of them.
Uh-oh.
To my sister, Jackie,
I leave my pet iguana, Jubjub.
Why didn't she just leave me
the bowel obstruction that killed her?
To my dear childless nieces, Patty and Selma,
I leave my grandfather clock and these words:
Don't die lonely like me.
Raise a family, and do it now.
Now!
Now!!!
Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad.
(clock tolling and ticking)
(snoring)
Aunt Gladys was right.
There's something missing in our lives.
Don't worry.
We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
Patty... I want a baby.
What do I do here?
Just tell us about yourself.
Well... I want to have a baby before it's too late.
You're looking at a free lunch, boys.
Come and get it.
(amorous growling)
Ach! Back to the loch with you, Nessie.
One drop of this love potion,
and you will have any man you desire.
Really?
What are the magical ingredients?
Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing alcohol.
You'll be lucky if it doesn't
make your hair fall out, actually.
(grunting)
Paper or plastic?
You decide.
So, wearing a belt, are you?
Yep.
No suspenders for you.
I guess not.
Orange is really your color.
They make us wear this.
Shall we continue this conversation over dinner?
Uh... I'm not allowed to date customers.
It's store policy.
No, it isn't.
-Ow! -shut up, Arnold.
No, go for it, man.
"R,"
"Q,"
"J,"
question mark.
Smiley face.
SELMA: Next!
Wait a minute.
It says here you're single.
Did I do wrong?
Combed, biscuits, chicken,
yellow, mailman...
You're reading the wine list, sir.
Very good.
I don't know how to thank you for dinner.
Use your imagination.
(childish chatter)
(child screaming)
(thudding)
Ehh!
Get out of my car.
This isn't my house.
Come to Duff Gardens
where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore.
Now featuring the clean-shaven sounds
of Hooray for Everything.
ALL: Hey, kids,
take a walk on the wild side.
And all the races sing:
♪ Doo, doo, doo, shoo-bee doobee doo ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
♪ Shoo-bee doobee doo, yeah! ♪
Can we go to Duff Gardens this weekend?
Sure... unless another aunt dies.
(door closes)
Selma, your date's over already?
Yeah. I was so depressed,
I ate a jar of expired olives.
(sighs)
I guess I'll never have a baby.
Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous,
but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Boy, I don't know.
You've got to be pretty desperate
to make it with a robot.
(whispering)
I knew that.
How do I know I'm getting quality?
Don't worry.
Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process.
All done.
Thank you.
Always a pleasure.
What a beautiful little girl.
(belches like Barney)
(babies belching like Barney)
(belching continues)
MARGE: "101 Frozen Pops."
A Nobel Prize winner.
An NBA all-star.
Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
I checked. It's not Horshack.
(groans)
Are you sure you want to have a baby this way?
Yeah, you've had some pretty bad experiences
ordering out of catalogs.
Remember that mail-order husband?
(knock at door)
Ooh, you look just like your picture.
Sorry, my mind's made up.
I want to have a kid,
and this is the only way I can do it.
Why do you want to have a baby so bad?
I got a lot of love to give,
and right now my only outlet
is my ham radio.
(man speaking foreign language)
Are you sure you've thought this through?
A child can really change your life.
You'll have to give up smoking.
-I'll chew. -No man will want you.
All I got now is sperm in a cup.
(both groaning)
BART/LISA: Get up! Get up!
Time to go to Duff Gardens.
Mom! Mom!
We want to go to Duff Gardens!
Oh, great. Dad's dead.
(moaning)
Oh, have you been eating that sandwich again?
Sand... wich.
Geez, we hardly made a dent in that ten-foot hoagie.
I'll give it a good home.
You've been eating that thing for a week.
I think the mayonnaise is starting to turn.
Two more feet, and I can fit it in the fridge.
Homer, I found this behind the radiator.
I really think you should throw it away.
Suggestion noted.
Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Are you going to eat it?
Yes.
Aww!
You look terrible.
I don't care.
I'm going to Duff Gardens.
(thud)
S-s-so cold.
Your lips are turning blue.
I think you better stay home.
No!
Duff Gardens! Hurrah!
(horn blaring)
We really appreciate you taking the children
on such short notice.
We'll have fun, won't we, kids?
To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
That's the spirit.
See you tonight.
Good-bye, Dad.
Don't eat any solids.
But I love solids.
It won't be any fun without you, Dad.
BOTH: Yayyy!
This is all your fault!
I-- Oh, how can I stay mad at you?
Mmm!
Ooh...
There it is!
The Duff beeramid.
"The beeramid contains so much aluminum
"it would take five men to lift it.
22 immigrant laborers died during its construction."
Ah, plenty more where that came from.
♪♪ (theme park music)
Look! It's the seven Duffs!
BART: There's Tipsy.
And there's Queasy.
LISA: There's Surly.
And Remorseful.
Hey.
Take a picture-- it'll last longer.
Get out of here.
Four score and seven years ago,
we took the finest hops and barley
to brew a refreshing, full-bodied lager.
Ahhh.
(beat boxing)
Well...
♪ I'm rappin' A.B., and I'm here to say ♪
♪ If you want to drink beer, Duff's the only way ♪
♪ I said, the only way ♪
♪ Break down ♪
This is a disgrace.
Settle down.
Anything this bad has to be educational.
Bart!
Let's see if they wore underwear back then.
Yeah!
Do you feel any better?
No.
What are the odds of getting sick on a Saturday?
A thousand to one.
To cheer you up, I rented a couple of videos.
"Boxing's Greatest Weigh-Ins" and "Yentl."
"Yentl"? What's that?
It deals with a bookish young woman's efforts
to enter rabbinical school.
Sounds great!
Oh, my God, you're delirious.
Hmm...
(Bart reading)
Wow!
You're charming the pants off of me.
What did you say, Aunt Selma?
I said take off those damn glasses!
Ooh, this looks like fun.
A bench.
Kids, what do you say you go get your Aunt Selma
a beer smoothie?
BOTH: No, come on, Aunt Selma, we got to go.
Come on, let's have fun!
(groaning)
Hey, man, if the line's this long, it's got to be good.
Get bent.
MAN (on TV): What's going on here?
Oh, Yentl. I might have known.
That Yentl puts the "she" in yeshiva.
Hmm, well, you've cooled down.
That's what you think.
(growling)
(chuckling)
You know, I rented another tape
in case you felt better.
"The Erotic Adventures of Hercules."
With Norman Fell as Zeus.
Whoo-hoo!
♪ Duff beer for me ♪
♪ Duff beer for you ♪
♪ I'll have a Duff ♪
♪ You have one, too ♪
♪ Duff beer for me ♪
♪ Duff beer for you ♪
♪ I'll have a Duff ♪
♪ You have one, too ♪
♪ Duff beer for me ♪
♪ Duff beer for you... ♪
I want to get off.
You can't get off.
We have five more continents to visit.
Hey, Lis, I dare you to drink the water.
I'm not sure that is water.
Chicken.
(clucking)
Quit it, Bart.
Quit it!
Quit it! Quit it!
Bart, be quiet.
Lisa, drink the water.
(sighing)
(distorted) ♪ Duff beer for me ♪
♪ Duff beer for you ♪
♪ I'll have a Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff... ♪
They're all around me.
No way out!
(insane laughter)
No way out, I tell you!
What's wrong?
Well, you just put your head right here.
(snarling)
(maniacal scream)
Hercules, the Cyclops tore off my clothes.
(laughing)
(giggling)
(snarling)
♪ I'll have a Duff ♪
♪ You have one, too... ♪
Bart! Lisa!
♪♪ (lively)
LISA: Ahh...
Oh...
(humming)
Ahh... I can see the music.
Mitch, you're doing a bang-up job.
Thank you, sir.
(chuckling)
Whoa, that isn't good.
(screaming)
Stop the ride!!
I'll have to ask my supervisor.
Better stop it.
Can't you do something?
Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly.
-Sorry, Surly. -Shut up.
SELMA: Don't blame these kids.
It's not their fault.
I think their father is missing a chromosome.
Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy,
hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!
(cars bumping)
(laughter)
And I don't think George Washington
will ever be the same.
Ai yi, yi, yi, yi...
We found this one swimming naked in the fermentarium.
I am the lizard queen!
Give her this, and this,
and then these.
Thank you, doctor.
Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Come to Homercles.
(giggling)
I can't. The beans will burn.
Homercles cares not for beans.
Hi, kids. How was Duff Gardens?
Can't talk. Coming down.
Hmmm...
How do you do it, Homer?
You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this--
No, I mean raising kids.
I just couldn't cut it today.
All I wanted was a little version of me
that I could hold in my arms.
Oh, Jubjub.
When I went to pick him up,
Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
Shh.
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ Like a natural woman ♪
♪ Oh, baby, what you've done to me ♪
CHORUS: ♪ What you've done to me ♪
♪ You make me feel so good inside ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Good inside ♪
♪ And I just want to be ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Want to be ♪
♪ Close to you ♪
♪ You make me feel so alive ♪
♪ 'Cause you make me feel ♪
♪ You make me feel ♪
♪ Like a natural woman ♪
SELMA: Oh, yeah.
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.