1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922
{\an8}<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:14,973
(chalk screeches)

3
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:19,394
(bell rings)

4
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,525
(work whistle blows)

5
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:30,905
-(sucking)
-(register beeping)

6
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(jazzy solo)

7
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(tires screech)

8
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(tires screeching)

9
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(horn honks)

10
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(tires screech)

11
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482
D'oh!

12
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-Aah!
-(tires screech)

13
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{\an8}♪♪ (suspenseful)

14
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{\an8}Ahh.

15
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(rumbling)

16
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Why, you little--!

17
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♪♪ ("Raiders of
the Lost Ark" theme)

18
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What the--?
D'oh!

19
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(laughing)

20
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,848
{\an8}(babbling)

21
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:22,100
{\an8}Hey, Bart, look at this.

22
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:24,144
{\an8}My dad took me to
Circus of Values last night

23
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,563
{\an8}and said I could get
anything I wanted.

24
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{\an8}Cool-- An oversize
novelty billiard ball.

25
00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:32,527
Yeah, you shake it up
and it tells the future.

26
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,195
-Really?
-Uh-huh.

27
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,739
Will I pass my English test?

28
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,951
"Outlook not so good."

29
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Wow, it does work!

30
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Let me try.

31
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,915
Will... I get
beat up today?

32
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"All signs point to yes."

33
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That ball knows everything.

34
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(grunts, groaning)

35
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,132
Hey, I got a good one.

36
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:55,466
Will Milhouse and I
be friends

37
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,676
till we're
toothless old men

38
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,553
with hair coming out
of our ears?

39
00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:00,638
"Don't count on it."

40
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,433
Will Milhouse and I be friends
when we're high school dropouts

41
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living off Uncle Sucker?

42
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"It looks doubtful."

43
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Will Milhouse and I be friends
at the end of the day?

44
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(gasping)

45
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,197
What could come between
two bestest buddies like us?

46
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,201
Samantha, I've always
been suspicious

47
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,911
of transfer students.

48
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,830
Other principals try to unload
problem cases that way.

49
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,624
Lord knows I do.

50
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,292
I'm a good student,
Principal Skinner.

51
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,211
Yeah, sure, and they told me
I'd get a big parade

52
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,253
when I got back from 'Nam.

53
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,714
Instead, they spat on me.

54
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,507
I can still feel it searing.

55
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,092
So, let's just see

56
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,178
what the permanent record
has to say, shall we?

57
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:44,057
No detention, fairly good
attendance record...

58
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,352
I see you beat that bed-wetting
problem in the second grade.

59
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,728
That's in there?

60
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,730
Don't worry.
They'll forget...

61
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,649
just like they forgot about me

62
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,110
in that tiger cage
for 18 agonizing months.

63
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:59,781
Every night I wake up screaming.

64
00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,366
Well, let's meet
your classmates.

65
00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:06,454
Hey, Bart, was this thing
right about your test?

66
00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:08,915
To those who doubt the power
of the magic eight ball

67
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,502
I say, behold my "F".

68
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:13,753
Attention, class.

69
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,755
I have a new student for you.

70
00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:17,215
Great, another student.

71
00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:19,133
Just keep packing them in,
Seymour.

72
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,219
I think we should discuss
this later, Edna.

73
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,763
Now, it's never easy
to come to a new school,

74
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,723
so let's make her feel
right at home.

75
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,309
Please say a big
elementary school hello

76
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,395
to Samantha Stinky.

77
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,355
(kids laughing)

78
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:33,356
Stanky.

79
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:34,524
Oh, right.

80
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:35,942
How embarrassing for you.

81
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:37,652
Well, good-bye.

82
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:40,446
I'm sure this is
a little scary for you, dear.

83
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,031
-Uh-huh.
-So, why don't you

84
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,617
stand up in front of the class
and tell us about yourself?

85
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,036
I'll be grading you
on grammar and poise.

86
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,247
We just moved here from Phoenix.

87
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,249
My dad's owns
a home security company.

88
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,584
He came to Springfield
because of its high crime rate

89
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,712
and lackluster police force.

90
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,839
All my friends
are back in Phoenix

91
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:01,551
and this town has a weird smell
that you're all probably used to

92
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,969
but I'm not.

93
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,637
It'll take you
about six weeks, dear.

94
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,598
Hey, Milhouse, would you
like a Wet Willie?

95
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:08,808
Sure.

96
00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,019
Eww!

97
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,020
(laughing)

98
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,563
Victim number four.

99
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:16,441
Hey, Louis, can I interest you
in a Wet Willie?

100
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,110
LOUIS:
Sure... Aah!

101
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:25,533
When I find out who
hit me with that ball

102
00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:27,535
I'm gonna tear them a new--

103
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,330
Whoa!

104
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,540
Class, in order to explain
why your hormones

105
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:34,334
will soon make you
an easy target

106
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,586
for every smooth-talking
lothario

107
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,796
with his own car
and tight jeans,

108
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,424
I will now show
a short sex education film.

109
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,925
Ezekiel and Ishmael,

110
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,886
in accordance with
your parents' wishes

111
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,220
you may step out
into the hall

112
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,221
and pray for our souls.

113
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<i>Hello.</i>
<i>I'm actor Troy McClure.</i>

114
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<i>You kids might remember me</i>
<i>from such educational films</i>

115
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,025
<i>as "Lead Paint:</i>
<i>Delicious but Deadly"</i>

116
00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,319
<i>and "Here Comes</i>
<i>the Metric System."</i>

117
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<i>I'm here to provide</i>
<i>the facts about sex</i>

118
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,157
<i>in a frank and</i>
<i>straightforward manner.</i>

119
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,200
<i>And now, here's...</i>

120
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,622
<i>This is Fuzzy Bunny.</i>

121
00:06:12,705 --> 00:06:13,915
<i>About a year ago</i>

122
00:06:13,998 --> 00:06:15,750
<i>he noticed</i>
<i>his voice was changing,</i>

123
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<i>he had terrible acne,</i>

124
00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:20,713
<i>and had fur where</i>
<i>there was no fur before.</i>

125
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<i>He also noticed</i>
<i>Fluffy Bunny.</i>

126
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,009
Boring.

127
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<i>TROY MCCLURE:</i>
<i>Fluffy and Fuzzy went to the park,</i>

128
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<i>the ice cream social,</i>
<i>the boat show,</i>

129
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<i>and various other</i>
<i>wholesome activities,</i>

130
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,563
<i>and they never</i>
<i>ruined their fun</i>

131
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:41,609
<i>by giving in to their</i>
<i>throbbing biological urges.</i>

132
00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:43,569
<i>Then came the big day.</i>

133
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<i>Fluffy and Fuzzy</i>
<i>got married.</i>

134
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<i>That night came</i>
<i>the honeymoon.</i>

135
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,035
<i>♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz)</i>

136
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,662
ALL: Eww!

137
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She's faking it.

138
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:57,208
<i>The most satisfying</i>
<i>part of the night</i>

139
00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,251
<i>was knowing that</i>
<i>they waited.</i>

140
00:06:58,334 --> 00:06:59,877
<i>Nine months later</i>

141
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,255
<i>Fluffy gave birth</i>
<i>to 14 beautiful bunnies.</i>

142
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:04,048
<i>Eight survive.</i>

143
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,426
<i>And now that you know</i>
<i>how it's done...</i>

144
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,594
<i>don't do it.</i>

145
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,179
<i>♪♪ (funky, sexy jazz)</i>

146
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,765
-Any questions?
-Mrs. Krabappel,

147
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,643
how come you don't
live with Mr. Krabappel?

148
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,311
Because Mr. Krabappel

149
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,939
chased something small
and fluffy down a rabbit hole.

150
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:22,108
How do we know
when we fall in love?

151
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:23,526
Oh, don't you worry.

152
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,820
Most of you
will never fall in love

153
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,489
and marry out of fear
of dying alone.

154
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,158
How would I go about creating

155
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:32,034
a half man,
half monkey-type creature?

156
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,203
I'm sorry,
that would be playing God.

157
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,539
God, shmod--
I want my monkey man.

158
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:38,416
(bell ringing)

159
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,252
Uh... that's a nice dress.

160
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,587
My dad makes me wear it.

161
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:43,671
I hate it.

162
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:45,214
Well, I hate it too.

163
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,843
-Uh... can I walk you home?
-Okay.

164
00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:49,969
Everybody on.

165
00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,053
No shoving.

166
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,180
Just kidding.

167
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,848
You can shove all you want.

168
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:56,058
Hey, wait, Otto man,
you can't leave.

169
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,518
Milhouse isn't here yet.

170
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,604
Sorry, Bart dude,
no time.

171
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,273
My girlfriend's dancing topless
at the airport bar

172
00:08:02,356 --> 00:08:04,525
from 4:15 to 4:20.

173
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:09,864
Hey, Bart.

174
00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:12,992
Milhouse, what
a pleasant surprise.

175
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,076
Hi.

176
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,661
Hey, what's with the skirt?

177
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,289
I've brought friends
to this tree house before.

178
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,832
Yeah, but never a girl.

179
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,709
What if I want
to strut around nude?

180
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,294
Maybe I should go.

181
00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:25,129
No, that's okay,
you can stay.

182
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,215
You can read comics with us.

183
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,926
Let's see,
something for the lady...

184
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:33,971
Ah-- "Radioactive Man
vs. The Swamp Hag".

185
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:35,473
Got any girl comics

186
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,934
like "Bonnie Crane,
Girl Attorney,"

187
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,644
"Punkin and Dunkin,
the Twinkle Twins,"

188
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,980
or "Li'l Knee Socks"?

189
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,775
No, but my sister's
got a wide selection

190
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:47,151
of crappy comics.

191
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,739
Eww!

192
00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,783
You guys want to see
something gross?

193
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,579
(gasping)

194
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,462
<i>ANNOUNCER:</i>
<i>Tonight on Smartline:</i>

195
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,714
<i>"I'm okay. You're too fat."</i>

196
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,008
<i>Here's your host,</i>
<i>Kent Brockman.</i>

197
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,885
<i>Good evening.</i>

198
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,888
<i>Did you know that 34 million</i>
<i>American adults are obese?</i>

199
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,765
<i>Taken together</i>
<i>that excess blubber</i>

200
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:20,059
<i>could fill the Grand Canyon</i>
<i>two-fifths of the way up.</i>

201
00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,519
<i>That may not sound</i>
<i>impressive</i>

202
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:24,188
<i>but keep in mind,</i>
<i>it is a very big canyon.</i>

203
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:27,483
This sucks. Where's
that channel changer?

204
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,278
(grunting)

205
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:31,362
Oh.

206
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:32,405
I'll give it a chance.

207
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:33,906
<i>Americans have grown up</i>

208
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,783
<i>with the image</i>
<i>of the jolly fat man--</i>

209
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,243
<i>Dom Deluise</i>

210
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,036
<i>Alfred Hitchcock,</i>
<i>and, of course,</i>

211
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,329
<i>Santa Claus.</i>

212
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,956
{\an8}<i>But in real life</i>

213
00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:43,666
{\an8}<i>Santa would be suffering</i>
<i>from gall stones,</i>

214
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,294
{\an8}<i>hypertension, impotence,</i>
<i>and diabetes.</i>

215
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,218
Hmm.

216
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:05,521
I wish they had never
invented fried cheese.

217
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,983
We got to widen
the hole.

218
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:11,736
Make it snappy--
The chain's starting to give.

219
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:12,903
(chain creaking)

220
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:17,825
(labored breathing)

221
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,369
<i>WOMAN: We take 18 ounces</i>
<i>of sizzling ground beef...</i>

222
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,912
Ooh!

223
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,832
<i>...and soak it</i>
<i>in rich creamery butter.</i>

224
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:29,503
<i>Then we top it off with</i>
<i>bacon, ham, and a fried egg.</i>

225
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:32,340
<i>We call it</i>
<i>The Good Morning burger.</i>

226
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,342
(shuddering moan)

227
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,260
I've got to help him.

228
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:39,930
Okay, Milhouse,

229
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,807
I'll trade your
Carl Yastrzemski baseball card

230
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:45,603
for my Omar Vzocel.
Deal.

231
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,396
Next on the trading block,
your Mickey Mantle, 1958,

232
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,441
for my picture
of Homer on the couch.

233
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,319
Milhouse, I've got to go.

234
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,322
My dad thinks I'm having
my braces examined.

235
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,408
Well, you kind of
sort of are.

236
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,042
Milhouse, we're living
in the age of cooties.

237
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,044
I can't believe
the risk you're running.

238
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,588
Besides, what's so great
about kissing?

239
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,340
Bart, it's not
just the kissing.

240
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,759
A lot of it is
waiting to kiss.

241
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,512
You know, like when you
open an Eskimo Pie

242
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:22,473
and you wait just a
little bit for it to melt?

243
00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:23,933
But she doesn't melt.

244
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,185
Oh, yes, she does.

245
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:28,979
<i>WOMAN: We start with pure</i>
<i>milk chocolate...</i>

246
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,314
Chocolate...

247
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,775
<i>...add a layer</i>
<i>of farm-fresh honey...</i>

248
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,777
Oh, sweet.

249
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,988
<i>...then we sprinkle on</i>
<i>four kinds of sugar...</i>

250
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,949
(ecstatic groan)

251
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:43,536
<i>...and dip it</i>
<i>in rich creamery butter.</i>

252
00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:46,080
Dad, what if I told you
you could lose weight

253
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,958
without dieting
or lifting a finger?

254
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:50,543
I'd say you're
a lying scumbag.

255
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,752
Why, sweetie?

256
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,713
According to Eternity magazine

257
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,006
you can lose weight through
subliminal learning.

258
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,718
That's where an idea is
subtly implanted in your head

259
00:11:58,801 --> 00:12:00,511
without you even knowing it.

260
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,972
Oh, Lisa, that's a load
of rich creamery butter.

261
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,682
They'll send you tapes
you listen to

262
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:05,933
while you sleep.

263
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,393
As you hear new age music,

264
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,603
a powerful message
goes to your brain

265
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,105
telling you to eat less.

266
00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:14,608
Lose weight and listen
to new age music? Wow.

267
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,360
What do you think, Marge?

268
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,822
Oh, Homer, I love you
just the way you are.

269
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,615
Lisa, what's that number?

270
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:24,577
Operator, I'd like to place
an order for my husband.

271
00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:26,912
Would he like to lose weight,
stop smoking,

272
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:30,541
learn the state capitals,
master hostage negotiations...

273
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,961
Hmm... hostage negotiations.

274
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:37,923
Listen, Tabbouleh, we're
ignoring all your demands.

275
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,717
What do you say to that?

276
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,802
(machine gun fire)

277
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,471
Better give me
the weight loss tape.

278
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,853
We're out of
"Subliminally Slim."

279
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,607
MAN: Eh... just send them
the vocabulary builder.

280
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,358
Here you go, fatso.

281
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,360
HOMER: So long, stomach.

282
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,946
We've had a lot
of great memories.

283
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,407
<i>♪ Memories ♪</i>

284
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:08,287
<i>♪ Pressed between the pages</i>
<i>of my mind ♪</i>

285
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,418
<i>♪ Memories ♪</i>

286
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:19,340
<i>♪ Sweetened through the ages,</i>
<i>just like wine ♪</i>

287
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:21,509
(yawning)

288
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:24,637
(snoring)

289
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,473
<i>Hello. This is</i>
<i>Dr. Marvin Monroe.</i>

290
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,517
<i>Let's build your</i>
<i>vocabulary. "A."</i>

291
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,393
<i>Abattoir:</i>
<i>Slaughterhouse.</i>

292
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,979
<i>"The cow was slaughtered</i>
<i>in the abattoir."</i>

293
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,276
(Homer munching)

294
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,196
Homer, has the weight loss tape
reduced your appetite?

295
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:43,489
Lamentably, no.

296
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,325
My gastronomic rapacity
knows no satiety.

297
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,999
Don't you usually play
with Milhouse after school?

298
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,459
He has a girlfriend.

299
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,878
Milhouse?

300
00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:59,713
Yeah. All they do is kiss.

301
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:03,008
How cute.

302
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,009
They don't open
their mouths, do they?

303
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,010
No.

304
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,220
How cute.

305
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,689
-Hey, Martin.
-Bart?

306
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,316
This is the first time anyone
has ever sat next to me

307
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,860
since I successfully
lobbied

308
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,612
to have the school day
extended by 20 minutes.

309
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,114
Listen, Martin, right now
I'm looking for a friend

310
00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,949
who won't leave me
for a girl.

311
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,577
That's me. I'm just as
unpopular with the ladies

312
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,495
as I am with the chaps.

313
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,913
Yeah, right.

314
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,498
Anyway, do you wanna do
something after school?

315
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,958
It's a date.

316
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,794
Everyone, Bart and I
would like to announce

317
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,170
that we are friends.

318
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,839
(loud laughter)

319
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,677
Now, Bart, would you care
to listen to me play the lute?

320
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,345
Uh... sure.

321
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:54,476
<i>♪ Come home,</i>
<i>my bonny warrior ♪</i>

322
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,980
<i>♪ For now ♪</i>

323
00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,734
<i>♪ The nets are</i>
<i>full o' fish ♪</i>

324
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,527
MARGE: I don't know
if that tape is working.

325
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,487
You ate three desserts
tonight.

326
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,489
Forbearance is the watchword.

327
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,784
That triumvirate of Twinkies
merely overwhelmed my resolve.

328
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,704
There's another thing I've been
wanting to talk to you about.

329
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,289
Tut, tut, gentle Marge.

330
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,540
For here in the boudoir

331
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:18,709
the gourmand
metamorphosizes into...

332
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,169
the voluptuary!

333
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,713
(growls)

334
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:25,883
What in God's name
are you talking about?

335
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,176
Oh.

336
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,430
<i>♪ The Itchy</i>
<i>& Scratchy show! ♪</i>

337
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,435
<i>♪♪ ("Wedding March")</i>

338
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,228
<i>Mmm...</i>

339
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,605
<i>(screams)</i>

340
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,611
(laughing)

341
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,529
Heh...

342
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:48,530
(laughing)

343
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,328
Hey, guys.

344
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,996
<i>Wow, that really</i>
<i>took my mind off</i>

345
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,915
<i>those awful,</i>
<i>transforming space mutants.</i>

346
00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,166
<i>Good.</i>

347
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:01,001
<i>Man, I could sure go</i>
<i>for a snack.</i>

348
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,002
<i>Me too.</i>

349
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,006
(screaming)

350
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:10,970
D'oh!

351
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,263
Hey, I've got an idea.

352
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,517
Why don't the three of us go
spit on the principal's car?

353
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,311
Listen, Bart,
there's such a thing

354
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,730
as spending
too much time together.

355
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,357
Oh, fine.

356
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,526
I'm tired of watching
you two lip wrestle.

357
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:28,445
There's plenty of other ways
to be grossed out in this town.

358
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,950
(sobbing)

359
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,159
-Bart, wait.
-Yeah?

360
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,452
Uh...

361
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,079
could we still use
your tree house?

362
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,956
What? Get bent.

363
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,834
If her father catches us,
he'll kill her.

364
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,544
All right, Milhouse.

365
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:45,170
{\an8}You can use my tree house.

366
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,089
Thanks, Bart.

367
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,426
(singsongy)
Samantha and Milhouse sitting in a tree,

368
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,429
about to lose
their privacy.

369
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:55,389
(fiendish laughter)

370
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,437
(touch tones)

371
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,981
Now there's a
Machiavellian countenance.

372
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,483
Ooh, a sextet of ale!

373
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,069
Hello, Mr. Stanky?

374
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:11,071
I have some shocking news
about your daughter Samantha.

375
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,948
Who am I?

376
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,783
Let's just say I'm
a concerned prude

377
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,994
with a lot of time on his hands.

378
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,204
(kissing sounds)

379
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,458
I bet you had peanut butter
for breakfast.

380
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,751
(laughs)

381
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,419
Yeah.

382
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,754
-Samantha!
-Dad!

383
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,339
Noooooo!

384
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,301
Samantha, you're my little girl

385
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,553
and sometimes my imagination
runs away with me.

386
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,555
Just-- Just tell me
what happened.

387
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,557
-Well, Milhouse and I--
-That's enough!

388
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,143
I'm putting you in
an all-girl school.

389
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,812
You're never going to see
that boy again.

390
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,064
Milhouse!

391
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,940
Samantha!

392
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,444
(weeping)

393
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:52,404
Well, Milhouse, 'tis better
to have loved and lost...

394
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,655
yadda, yadda, yadda.

395
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,074
Let's go to the arcade.

396
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,492
How could this happen?

397
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,577
We started out
like Romeo and Juliet

398
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,413
but it ended up
in tragedy.

399
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,083
<i>Hierospacy:</i>
<i>Predicting the future</i>

400
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,502
<i>through the study</i>
<i>of animal entrails.</i>

401
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,629
Dad! Do you know
what today is?

402
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:09,880
The vernal equinox?

403
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,256
No, it's two weeks

404
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,217
since you got that
subliminal weight-loss tape.

405
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,885
Let's get you on the scale.

406
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:18,806
You've gained 13 pounds.

407
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:22,851
Disingenuous mountebanks with
their subliminal chicanery--

408
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,561
A pox on them!

409
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,233
There stands a broken man.

410
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:31,693
It's recess everywhere
but in his heart.

411
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,488
Hey, Bart, according
to this magazine

412
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,031
in another million years

413
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,825
man will have
an extra finger.

414
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,327
Five fingers?
Ooh-- Freak show!

415
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,205
Listen, Lis, I need some
advice and Mom's not here.

416
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,040
-Why didn't you go to Dad?
-I did,

417
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,375
but I couldn't understand
what the hell he was saying.

418
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:47,835
Lisa, I feel terrible.

419
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,670
I ratted on my best friend

420
00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:51,463
and he doesn't even know
I did it.

421
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:54,049
Well, according to
Eternity magazine

422
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,467
the feeling of guilt
has been linked

423
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,636
to the neural-transmitter
gamephenomene.

424
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,263
Dow chemical is developing
a minty gel

425
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:01,265
which will eliminate
excess guilt,

426
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,766
but unfortunately
it won't be on the market

427
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,434
for another six months,

428
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:06,353
so I guess you're gonna
have to bite the bullet

429
00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:08,272
and confess to Milhouse.

430
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,065
(groans)

431
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,109
Bart, I'm glad you're here.

432
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,403
Milhouse could use
a friend like you.

433
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,822
(nervous laugh)

434
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,240
(sobbing)

435
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,700
Milhouse?

436
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:22,161
Bart, I didn't want you
to see me cry.

437
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,370
Oh, come on.

438
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,538
I've seen you cry
a million times.

439
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:26,081
You cry when
you scrape your knee.

440
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,875
You cry when they're out
of chocolate milk.

441
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,293
You cry when you're doing
long division

442
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:30,794
and you have
a remainder left over.

443
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:34,590
Well, I didn't want you
to see me cry this time.

444
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,092
Listen, Milhouse, I got
a confession to make.

445
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,678
I'm the one who narked
on your kissing.

446
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:40,804
What?!

447
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,014
(growling)

448
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,974
(grunting)

449
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:48,645
Milhouse is out of bed
and full of beans.

450
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,397
Whoa, it's a miracle!

451
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:00,824
(groans)

452
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:03,952
(both gasping)

453
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,288
Well, I bet the eight ball
didn't see that one coming.

454
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,956
Yeah.

455
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,917
Marge...

456
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,251
where's that...

457
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,419
metal dealie...

458
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,046
you use to...

459
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,757
dig... food?

460
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:17,883
You mean, a spoon?

461
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,593
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

462
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,553
(loud chomping)

463
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,596
Oh, this is good.

464
00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:25,390
(children laughing)

465
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,809
Are you sure
you want to do this?

466
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,978
I can't stop thinking
about her.

467
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,814
Even these gates remind me
of her braces.

468
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,025
BART: How are we gonna
find her?

469
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:37,277
MILHOUSE: She said she'd be
wearing a plaid jumper.

470
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:38,654
Milhouse!

471
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:39,988
Samantha!

472
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:44,284
I went to Circus of Values

473
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,203
and bought you a ten-gallon tub
of gummi bears.

474
00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,537
(grunts)

475
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,248
Hey, Samantha,
I'm sorry about

476
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,083
getting you thrown
in the penguin house.

477
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,334
That's all right, Bart.

478
00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:53,961
I love Saint Sebastian's.

479
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,797
It's run by a group of
French Canadian nuns.

480
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,633
They're very nice except
they never let me out.

481
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:06,265
<i>♪♪ (singing "Dominique"</i>
<i>in French)</i>

482
00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,184
Samantha,
<i>ne pas des boys.</i>

483
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,436
(ringing)

484
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,190
I have to go now,
Milhouse.

485
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:17,985
I'd better not.

486
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,695
It's 50 rosaries
a kiss.

487
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,738
Oh, okay.

488
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,573
Oh, what the heck.

489
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:31,748
Bart, think I can ever find
another one like her?

490
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:33,333
You're asking
the wrong guy, Milhouse.

491
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,502
They all look alike to me.

492
00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:37,587
Now, let's go whip donuts
at old people.

493
00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:49,266
♪♪

494
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,661
Shh!

495
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,168
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.