1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,131 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,969 (bell ringing) 3 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:15,849 D'oh! 4 00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:17,726 -Ahh! -(tires screech) 5 00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,580 ANNOUNCER: It's Channel Six Action News. 6 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,835 Ah, Action News, the last place 7 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:46,546 an impressionable kid can go for TV violence. 8 00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:48,131 ANNOUNCER: Now, here's your action anchor 9 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:49,299 Kent Brockman. 10 00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:50,675 Hello. I'm Kent Brockman. 11 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,218 Our top stories tonight: 12 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,304 A tremendous explosion in the price of lumber. 13 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,890 "President Reagan dyes... 14 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,600 his hair," says Garry Trudeau 15 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:00,351 in his new musical comedy revue. 16 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,187 But first, let's check the death count 17 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,147 from the killer storm bearing down on us 18 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,274 like a shotgun full of snow. 19 00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:09,486 Well, Kent, as of now, the death count is zero 20 00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,488 but it is ready to shoot right up. 21 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,281 Oh, my God. 22 00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:15,325 Damn you, snow! 23 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:18,036 All right, snow day! No school tomorrow. 24 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,456 That doesn't mean you don't have to do your book report. 25 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:23,041 What if the weatherman is wrong? 26 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,377 Lisa, that man is a professional meteorologist. 27 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:27,712 Kent, I'd like to remind 28 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:29,339 everybody to come down and watch me 29 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:31,007 at the Springfield Laugh 'n' Brew 30 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,093 and Burgers 'n' Fries this Saturday. 31 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,427 The forecast calls 32 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:37,180 for a 75% chance of hilarity. 33 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:38,765 I like those odds. 34 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,268 Snowball fight! 35 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,063 (laughing) 36 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,696 You're going to eat a blizzard of... 37 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,241 unseasonable warmth? 38 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:59,160 I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer. 39 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,162 (laughing) 40 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,957 Nice P.J.s,Simpson. 41 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,875 Did your mommy buy them for you? 42 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:08,002 Of course she did. Who else would have? 43 00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:13,508 All right, Simpson, you win this round. 44 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,095 Okay, it's book report time. 45 00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,097 We'll do them alphabetically. 46 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,015 Today it's "A" through "M." 47 00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,058 I'm saved. 48 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,519 I love being a S-S-S-Simpson. 49 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:27,689 Let's see, we have no A's, so let's go right to the B's. 50 00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:28,731 Bart? 51 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:29,858 -Huh? -Ha! 52 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,026 Mrs. Krabappel, 53 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,028 I... didn't... 54 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,114 Attention. This is Principal Skinner, 55 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:39,325 your principal, with a message from the principal's office. 56 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:42,162 All students please proceed immediately to an assembly 57 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,122 in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. 58 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:46,958 Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. 59 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:50,962 Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. 60 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:53,965 Test scores are at an all-time low, 61 00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:57,218 so I've come up with these academic alerts. 62 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,637 You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip 63 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,139 in any subject. 64 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:02,932 This way, your parents won't have to wait 65 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,267 until report card time to punish you. 66 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,352 How innovative. I like it. 67 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,355 Hey, Dolph, take a memo on your Newton. 68 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,315 "Beat up Martin." 69 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,196 -Bah! -Oh! 70 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,656 All right, first academic alert-- 71 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,283 Wiggum, Ralph. 72 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:22,202 I won, I won! 73 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,580 No, no, Ralph. 74 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:27,123 This means you're failing English. 75 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,541 Me, fail English? 76 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,543 That's unpossible. 77 00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:31,961 Muntz, Nelson. 78 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,463 You're failing History, Geography 79 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,923 and Math, but, uh... 80 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,341 you're doing quite well in Home Ec. 81 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,426 Hey, keep it down, man. 82 00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:39,928 Uh-uh. 83 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,346 Simpson. 84 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,347 Lisa. 85 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,389 (gasps) 86 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,099 Grades are all I have. 87 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:46,684 What could I be failing? 88 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:49,187 I'm smart and a teacher's pet. 89 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,232 Gym? 90 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:55,026 That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. 91 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,411 Lisa, your father and I 92 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,455 are very concerned about this warning. 93 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,457 I really hope you try harder. 94 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:11,084 HOMER: Whoo, that's all of them. 95 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:14,045 And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. 96 00:04:14,128 --> 00:04:15,797 How about a present, son? 97 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,132 Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. 98 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:19,217 Done and done. 99 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:20,510 LISA: That's not fair. 100 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,387 Why is Bart getting a present 101 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,638 and I'm getting chewed out? 102 00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,932 Ah, the mysteries of life. 103 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:27,433 TEACHER: Tell you what, Simpson. 104 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:28,810 I won't fail you 105 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:30,019 if you join one of those peewee teams 106 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,729 outside the school. 107 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,356 You mean those leagues where parents push their kids 108 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,358 into vicious competition to compensate 109 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,610 for their own failed dreams of glory? 110 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,529 Look, I don't need this. 111 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,490 I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning. 112 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,164 D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. 113 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,838 (air leaking out) 114 00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:00,258 Children, that was our only ball. 115 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:01,968 There'll be no team this year. 116 00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:03,928 ALL: Aww... 117 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,392 Mom, this is really scary. 118 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:11,602 I'm going to get my first "F" ever. 119 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,729 Cheer up! 120 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,272 So you're not good at sports. 121 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:15,857 It's a very small part of life. 122 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,359 ♪ Sports, sports, sports, sports ♪ 123 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,195 Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today 124 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,364 because he's a good guy at sports. 125 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,367 I think Lisa needs to feel a little special tonight. 126 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,202 How about letting her ride up front too? 127 00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:31,789 -I tried. -Oh. 128 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,376 Okay, son, just remember 129 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,878 to have fun out there today, 130 00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:40,173 and if you lose, I'll kill you! 131 00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,216 -(laughing) -Oh, Dad. 132 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:49,974 All right, Pigs, 133 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,225 beat those Gougers. 134 00:05:56,481 --> 00:06:00,026 I could have been equipment manager, but, no! 135 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:08,451 (grunts) 136 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,452 (gasping) 137 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,247 Our goalie cannot stand up. 138 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,166 Tell you what. Get some rope. 139 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,723 (blowing) 140 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,558 Defense, defense, come on. 141 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:33,518 You call that blowing? 142 00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:36,437 (whistle blows) 143 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:37,772 (buzzer sounds) 144 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,233 Oh, yes! We won, we won, we won. 145 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:41,442 Unfortunately, 146 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,569 since I bet on the other team, 147 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,571 -uh, we won't be going for pizza. -(kids groan) 148 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,991 Well, boy, you won. 149 00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,369 So I'm going to live up to my side of the agreement. 150 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:54,414 Here's your turtle, alive and well. 151 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,082 Aw, thanks, Dad. 152 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,128 How about some adulation from my little sister? 153 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,629 Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed 154 00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:03,923 you were able to give Milhouse a concussion. 155 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:06,217 Oh, you're just jealous 156 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,594 because... you... stink... 157 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,430 at... sports. 158 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,431 LISA: Cut it out, Bart! 159 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,390 What the-- 160 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:18,104 You know, I wonder if her skills would transfer over 161 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,439 to the game of hockey. 162 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,899 Well, only one way to be sure. 163 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,776 Heads up, little girl. 164 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,194 (screaming) 165 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,863 (gasps) 166 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,573 The goalie of my dreams. 167 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,201 Let's try a hard one 168 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,661 to make sure it wasn't a fluke. 169 00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:36,038 (screams) 170 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,957 MILHOUSE: Oh, hey! 171 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,209 Way to knock out my teeth. 172 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,669 That's it, Milhouse. 173 00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:42,670 Keep up the chatter. 174 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,968 Lisa, 175 00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:51,262 if the Bible has taught us nothing else-- 176 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,014 and it hasn't-- 177 00:07:53,097 --> 00:07:55,433 it's that girls should stick to girls' sports 178 00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:57,393 such as hot-oil wrestling, 179 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,645 foxy boxing and such and such. 180 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:02,398 I think women should be able to play any sport men play, 181 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,817 but hockey is so violent and dangerous. 182 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,445 Look at Milhouse's teeth. 183 00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:09,071 Mom, will you stop showing us those? 184 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,365 I have to join the team, or I'll get an "F" 185 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,367 that will haunt me for the rest of my life. 186 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:18,331 I now pronounce you president of these United-- 187 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,749 MAN: Stop the inauguration! 188 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,918 I just discovered our president-elect 189 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,920 got an "F" in second grade gym class. 190 00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,129 (all gasp) 191 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,964 In that case, I sentence you 192 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,510 to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. 193 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,386 Don't worry. It's just a name. 194 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:35,389 (screeching) 195 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:37,016 (panting) 196 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:39,519 He said... it was just a name. 197 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,937 What he meant is that Monster Island 198 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,523 is actually a peninsula. 199 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,899 (shuddering) 200 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:46,067 (knocking) 201 00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,944 Do you have my teeth? 202 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:51,614 No. 203 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:56,494 Okay, hotshots, 204 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,246 now that my daughter is on your team, 205 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,498 I want to make a few things clear. 206 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,625 Please, Dad, I'll be fine. 207 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,293 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 208 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,837 I don't want anyone to give her a hard time 209 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,297 just because she's different. 210 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,258 No jokes, no taunting. 211 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,926 (guffaws) 212 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:14,595 Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? 213 00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:18,099 Come here, you butterball. 214 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,433 Don't make me run! 215 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,851 I'm full of chocolate. 216 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,399 (yells) 217 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,984 Whoa! (shrieks) 218 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,819 (laughing) 219 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,195 I can't even watch. 220 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,196 I don't know how you two can sit here 221 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,906 laughing at poor Lisa 222 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,242 while she's out there probably scared to death. 223 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,327 We're laughing with her, Marge. 224 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,704 There's a big difference. 225 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,038 LISA: (shrieking) Whoa! 226 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,040 (laughing loudly) 227 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,877 With her. 228 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,213 You really think I did okay out there, Mom? 229 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,048 Absolutely, honey. 230 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,884 By blocking the net, I really think you helped your team. 231 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,305 Okay, little buddy, hop in. 232 00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:58,681 Hup-ah! 233 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,225 I mean, my little girl buddy. 234 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,561 That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you 235 00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,855 to reward violent, competitive behavior. 236 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,565 However, I will sit up front with you 237 00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,442 if it's a fatherly gesture of love. 238 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:10,818 Okay, honey. 239 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:12,528 Sucker! 240 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,655 Competitive violence-- that's why you're here! 241 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,370 Ow! 242 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,413 (yelling) 243 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:24,957 (yells) 244 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,709 (grunts, yells) 245 00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,003 (grunts) 246 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,464 (growls) 247 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:35,801 (snarling) 248 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,512 APU: We are having our best season ever. 249 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:42,600 I would like to say that it is because of teamwork. 250 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,185 Gee, who am I kidding, huh? 251 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:45,603 It's all because of Lisa. 252 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,021 Let's hear it for Lisa. 253 00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:48,022 (all cheering) 254 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,359 Hey, Bart, 255 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,569 if Lisa's better than you at hockey, 256 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,405 does that mean you're gonna become better than her at school? 257 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,948 (gasps) 258 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,035 Maybe I will, Milhouse. 259 00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,663 Maybe I will. 260 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,085 Who can tell me the capital of Spain? 261 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,294 Bart Simpson. 262 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:12,004 The square root of 36? 263 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,756 Bart Simpson. 264 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,132 Who freed the slaves? 265 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,509 Bart Simpson. 266 00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:17,593 Bart Simpson? 267 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,053 Bart Simpson. 268 00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,347 Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? 269 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:22,848 You haven't had one right answer all day. 270 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:23,974 Sorry. 271 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,851 (grunting) 272 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,020 This is for wasting teacher's valuable time. 273 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,650 Lay off, guys! 274 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:34,151 He's with me. 275 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,237 It's a lucky coincidence 276 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,364 you happen to be your sister's brother. 277 00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,532 Don't worry, Bart. 278 00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,575 They won't bother you anymore. 279 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,536 (laughing) 280 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:48,124 I hardly ever let Mother fight for me anymore. 281 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,667 Sorry, Bart. 282 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:52,878 I'm gonna hang out with Lisa for protection... 283 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,922 and to be seen. 284 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,427 Come watch TV with me, Dad. 285 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,053 We missed the first two episodes of "Cops." 286 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,305 But if we hurry, we can catch the last three. 287 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,767 Sorry, Bart. Lisa and I are going out for gelato. 288 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,437 We'd ask you to come, but... 289 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,604 you know... 290 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,189 Oh... 291 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,650 Bart, I can spend some time with you. 292 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,277 I don't know, Mom. 293 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,361 Don't have a stereotypical view of me 294 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,821 just because I'm your mother. 295 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:22,742 I know, how about we play the basketball? 296 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,827 I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but-- 297 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,620 (groans) 298 00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:29,957 Watch out for the Shaq attack! 299 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,376 Ooh! Ow! 300 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,086 I told you to watch out. 301 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,089 Hey, Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! 302 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,799 Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! 303 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,761 Look. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! 304 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,220 Hack the bone! 305 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,930 Hack the bone! 306 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:48,642 Wow! Eye of the tiger. Mouth of a Teamster. 307 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:53,314 Just think of all the time I wasted on you! 308 00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,608 Yeah, well, not wasted. 309 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,610 Uh... I love you. 310 00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:03,824 MARGE: Let me give my special little winner a big, big hug. 311 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,620 LISA: Ma, I think I'm all hugged out. 312 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:09,622 Oh, one more. 313 00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,791 (Marge grunting) 314 00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:14,335 (sighs) 315 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:15,795 Hello, Queen Lisa. 316 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,755 Bart, what are you doing in my room? 317 00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:21,258 Lisa, certain differences-- rivalries if you will-- 318 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:22,718 have come up between us. 319 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,428 At first, I thought we could talk it over 320 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,096 like civilized people, 321 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:31,435 but instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny. 322 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,021 Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy. 323 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,398 Ah, Mr. Honeybunny! 324 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:37,650 (gasping) 325 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,985 (kissing loudly) 326 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:40,986 HOMER: Quiet down, Bart! 327 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,446 Bart, just get out of here. 328 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,365 Hey, it's a free country. You get out. 329 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:45,533 That doesn't make sense. 330 00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:47,326 I know you are, but what am I? 331 00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,786 Get out! Get out! 332 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,663 Okay! 333 00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:54,124 But on my way, I'm going to be doing this. 334 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:58,796 If you get hit, it's your own fault. 335 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:03,008 Okay. Then I'm gonn start kicking air like this. 336 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:05,845 And if any part of you should fill that air, 337 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,639 it's your own fault. 338 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:11,517 (both grunting) 339 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,479 (Bart and Lisa yelling) 340 00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:20,234 Hmm, I'd better go check that out. 341 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:24,405 Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie. 342 00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,615 Okay. 343 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,076 All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. 344 00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:31,203 (munching sounds) 345 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,289 And if you get eaten, it's your own fault. 346 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,583 (munching sounds) 347 00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:36,584 D'oh! 348 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,585 Oh! 349 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,004 Oh... my! 350 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:40,963 The hell with it. 351 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,259 (gagging) 352 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:46,677 Stop it! Stop it! 353 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:47,678 Stop it! Stop it! 354 00:14:47,761 --> 00:14:50,055 Stop it! 355 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,765 Mom, that is really annoying. 356 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,851 -Bart started it. -Nuh-uh, Lisa started it. 357 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:55,519 I don't care who started it. 358 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,729 I don't ever want to see you two 359 00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,480 fighting like that ever again. 360 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,024 We love you both. 361 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,901 You're not in competition with each other. 362 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:05,821 Repeat: You are not in competition with each other. 363 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,740 Hey, Apu just called. 364 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:10,743 This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. 365 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:12,786 You're in direct competition! 366 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,330 And don't go easy on each other 367 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,748 just because you're brother and sister. 368 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,207 I want to see you both fighting 369 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,293 for your parents' love! 370 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:20,878 Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 371 00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:22,296 Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 372 00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,797 Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 373 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,221 All right, I'm gonna make a little deal with you mugs. 374 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,766 I'm gonna let you all out to see my team play the hockey game 375 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:36,560 if you promise to return to your cells. 376 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:39,897 Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise. 377 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,858 All right. All right, I'll sweeten the deal. 378 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,693 You can see the game, you don't have to come back, 379 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:49,365 but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay? 380 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,533 -No. -I'll take that as a yes. 381 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,037 All right! We're free! 382 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,374 ♪ At 7:00 tonight, the games begin ♪ 383 00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,168 ♪ Bart versus Lisa, who will win? ♪ 384 00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:03,879 ♪ Their father's fat, and their mother's thin ♪ 385 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,007 ♪ And Grandpa Simpson reeks of gin ♪ 386 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,842 Hey... 387 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:09,927 (sniffing) 388 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,971 That's obsession for men. 389 00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:15,099 Pass ketchup. 390 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,729 You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump. 391 00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,899 I asked for ketchup. 392 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,360 I'm eating salad here. 393 00:16:26,443 --> 00:16:28,904 I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house. 394 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,280 (door opens) 395 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,533 -Hello. -Moe, what are you doing here? 396 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:35,744 What? What, a bartender can't come by and say hi 397 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,787 to his best customer? 398 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,414 Hey, hey ya there, Midge. 399 00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,499 Oh, gee, I like what you done to your hair. 400 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,876 You caught me at a real bad time, Moe. 401 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,128 I hope you understand I'm too tense 402 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,504 to pretend I like you. 403 00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,923 And how are the little kids doing? 404 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,800 I mean, really how are they doing? 405 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,677 Any disabling injuries? Something, say, 406 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,054 that the gambling community might not yet know about? 407 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,806 Come here, let me see those knees. 408 00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,182 Moe, I think you should leave. 409 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,809 But, Blanche, you gotta help me out here. 410 00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,978 Please, I'm 64 grand in the hole. 411 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,313 They're going to take my thumbs! 412 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,357 ♪♪ (organ fanfare) 413 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,234 ALL: Charge! 414 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,155 Good luck tonight, sis. 415 00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,115 I'll try not to hurt you. 416 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:16,410 Don't worry. I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. 417 00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,037 (gasps) Mr. Honeybunny! 418 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,705 You inhumane monster! 419 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:20,914 You want a piece of me? 420 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:23,959 Kids, stop it. 421 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,961 Conserve your precious hatred for the game. 422 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,630 Now that we're all alone, Marge, admit it. 423 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,966 -You like Lisa best. -No. 424 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,092 Oh, so you're a Bart woman, are you? 425 00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,635 No. 426 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,095 Well, you can't possibly like Maggie best. 427 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:38,057 What has she ever done? Nothing for nobody. 428 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,934 Homer, we can't root for one child over the other. 429 00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:43,812 You wouldn't like it if the kids played favorites with us. 430 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,606 Hey, Mom, look at me, Mom. 431 00:17:45,689 --> 00:17:47,399 Hi, Mom. Over here. 432 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,400 Mom. 433 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,402 (laughs) Hi, kids. 434 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,404 MAN (on PA): And now, to honor America, 435 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,157 here's Krusty the Clown. 436 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,036 ♪ O, say can you see ♪ 437 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:03,248 ♪ Da-da-da-da-da light ♪ 438 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:06,043 ♪ What so proudly we... ♪ 439 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,044 (booing) 440 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:11,006 ♪ Da-da... ♪ 441 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,550 I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards. 442 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,885 Oh! 443 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:27,648 I love Bart! 444 00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:34,947 No, wait, I love Lisa! 445 00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:37,741 Beer! Oh, Marge, I love you. 446 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,727 He tripped my boy! 447 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,770 I demand vengeance! 448 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,106 I want vengeance! 449 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:10,524 (whistle blows) 450 00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:12,484 Jimbo Jones called for tripping. 451 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,529 The penalty shot will be taken by Bart Simpson. 452 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,531 (cheering) 453 00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,032 Oh, my God, Marge. 454 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,325 A penalty shot with only four seconds left. 455 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:21,827 It's your child versus mine. 456 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:23,620 The winner will be showered with praise. 457 00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,581 The loser will be taunted and booed 458 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,457 until my throat is sore. 459 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:33,881 Kill her, boy! Kill her! 460 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,675 Stop him dead, little girl. 461 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:40,053 (chanting) Kill, Bart. Kill, Bart. Kill, Bart... 462 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,098 Kill Bart. Kill Bart. Kill Bart... 463 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,602 (angry shouting) 464 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:57,988 (laughing) 465 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:05,746 (laughing) 466 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:17,257 (crying) 467 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:25,641 (shouting) 468 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,324 Great game, Lis. 469 00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:43,825 Great game, Bart. 470 00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,786 (horn blaring) 471 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,249 -Tie game? -What the hell? 472 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,667 This is outrageous. 473 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:55,921 I've never been so proud of them. 474 00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,965 (sobbing) 475 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,926 They're both losers. 476 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,219 Losers! 477 00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,806 -Rip-off! -We paid for blood. 478 00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,808 Let's tear this place apart. 479 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,226 Good idea. 480 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:18,527 Those kids are, like, so sweet. 481 00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:22,656 If only they had had peewee hockey 482 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,907 when I was a lad. 483 00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:25,701 (sniffling) 484 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:26,868 Oh, well... 485 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,291 (clamoring) 486 00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:43,343 ♪♪ 487 00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:27,888 Shh. 488 00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:33,935 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.