♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late with McBain.
I'm your announcer Makrokuffen Fuerer Wolfkassel.
And here's McBain.
(applause)
Ja, and thank you, ja.
That's nice.
Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.
(applause)
That is some outfit, Scoey.
It makes you look like a homosexual.
(booing)
Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals too.
(booing)
This is horrible.
The Fox network has sunk to a new low.
Lisa, you got a letter.
It's from my pen pal, Anya.
"Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad.
Our president has been overthrown, and--"
MAN: "Replaced by the benevolent General Krull.
"All hail Krull and his glorious new regime.
Sincerely, little girl."
Oh.
You got a letter, too, Bart.
(gasps)
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪
(screams)
(laughing)
Bart, what's wrong with you?
Oh, my God!
Someone's trying to kill me!
Oh, wait. It's for Bart.
MARGE: This one's done in different handwriting.
Oh, I wrote that one
after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
(laughter)
Ha-ha.
But who'd want to hurt me?
I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.
It's probably the person you least suspect.
That's good, Dad.
I say we call Matlock.
He'll find the culprit.
It's probably that evil Gavin Macleod
or George "Goober" Lindsey.
Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Neither are my teeth,
but I can still eat corn on the cob
if someone cuts it off
and smushes it into a fine paste.
Now that's good eatin'!
I checked around.
The girls are calling you "Fatty fat-fat-fat,"
and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants,
but nobody's trying to kill you.
Oh, that's good.
(girls chanting) Fatty fat fat-fat.
Fatty fatty fat-fat.
All right. This is dedicated to Bart Simpson
with the message, "I am coming to kill you
slowly and painfully."
(maniacal laughter)
♪ Wipeout ♪
♪♪ ("Wipeout" plays)
-Bart, I'm going to get you-- -(gasps)
...some ice cream at the store,
since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.
-(Bart gasps) -Say your prayers, Simpson.
Because the schools can't force you like they should.
Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming
as much fun as sitting through church.
You're going to be my murder victim, Bart,
in our school production of Lizzy Borden
starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
40 whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
I'd like to help you, ma'am,
but I'm afraid there's no law
against mailing threatening letters.
I'm pretty sure there is.
Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle--
Hey, she's right, Chief.
Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal
to put squirrels down your pants
for the purposes of gambling.
(laughter)
Boys, knock it off.
(squirrels chittering)
Bart, I figured it out.
Who's someone you've been making
irritating phone calls to for years?
-Linda Lavin? -No, someone who didn't deserve it.
Hello. Moe?
We know you're the one behind this,
so knock it off or we're going to the cops.
No, no. I'll take care of it.
Okay, it's over.
Get them out of here.
All right, andale, andale!
You're out there somewhere.
But where? Where?
(thunderclap)
(laughing)
"Dear 'Life in these United States,'
a funny thing happened to me..."
Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
Parole granted.
Next up for parole, Bob Terwilliger,
A.K.A. Sideshow Bob.
Take care, Snake.
May the next time we meet
be under more felicitous circumstances.
-Gah? -Take care.
Bah.
Sideshow Bob has no decency.
He called me Chief "Pig-ham."
(audience laughing)
Now I get it. Good.
Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
(audience murmurs)
How many people in this court
are thinking of killing her right now?
Be honest.
(gasps)
Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Robert, if released, would you pose any threat
to one Bart Simpson?
Bart Simpson?
Ha! The spirited little scamp
who twice foiled my evil schemes
and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
We object to the term urine-soaked hellhole
when you could have said pee-pee soaked heckhole.
Cheerfully withdrawn.
What about that tattoo on your chest?
Doesn't it say, "Die, Bart, Die"?
No. That's German for vie, Bart, vie.
(laughing)
No one who speaks German can be an evil man.
Parole granted.
ERNEST: Wow! Public library.
Let's stay here for a while, Vern.
(loud laughter)
(coughing)
That man is so rude.
Yeah.
(laughing)
If you don't mind,
we're trying to watch the mov--
ERNEST: Hey, Vern.
Help me get my head out of this toilet.
(toilet flushes)
(loud laughing)
Oh, really, now. That's too much.
Ah! Sideshow Bob!
-You wrote me those letters. -You awful man.
Stay away from my son.
Oh, I'll stay away
from your son, all right.
-Stay away forever. -Oh, no.
Wait a minute. That's no good.
Oh!
Wait. I've got a good one now.
Marge, say, "Stay away from my son" again.
-No! -(groaning)
And turn and flex and shake and bounce.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing.
And once a man is in your home,
anything you do to him is nice and legal.
Is that so? Oh, Flanders?
Won't you join me in my kitchen?
(sinister laughing)
(door opens)
Uh, doesn't work if you invite 'em.
Hi-dily hey!
-Go home. -Toodle-ly doo.
Now, don't you fret. When I'm through,
he won't set foot in this town again.
I can be very, very persuasive.
(gun cocks)
(siren wails in distance)
-Come on. Leave town. -No.
I'll be your friend.
-No. -Oh, you're mean.
The following neighborhood residents
will not be killed by me--
Ned Flanders,
Maude Flanders.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Homer Simpson,
Marge Simpson,
Lisa Simpson,
that little baby Simpson.
That is all.
Woo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart?
Oh.
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.
We've helped hundreds of people in danger.
We'll give you a new name,
a new job, new identities.
Whoo! I want to be John Elway.
(crowd cheers)
ANNOUNCER: Elway takes the snap
and runs it in for a touchdown!
Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic,
the final score of Super Bowl XXX:
Denver 7, San Francisco, 56.
-Woo-hoo! -I don't think this is such a good idea.
This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob.
It's a chance to turn around all our stinking lives.
I'll be Gus, the loveable chimney sweep.
Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle. Best in all Westminster. Yeah!
-Shut up, boy. -We have places
your family can hide in peace and security.
Cape Fear, Terror Lake, New Horror Field, Screamville.
Ooh! Ice Creamville.
-No. Screamville. -(shrieks)
Tell you what, sir.
From now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.
Let's just practice a bit, hmm?
When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"
-you'll say, "Hi." -Check.
Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
-I got ya. -Hello, Mr. Thompson.
(groaning)
Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson"
and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
-No problem. -Hello, Mr. Thompson.
I think he's talking to you.
-Here you go. -Oh, what a cute convertible.
You guys at the Bureau thought of everything.
Hey, look, the F.B.I. Light Opera Society
sings The Complete Gilbert and Sullivan.
♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl well can be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little girls from school ♪
♪ Everything is a source of fun ♪
♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha ♪
(laughing)
(thud)
Lousy speed bumps.
Ooh!
Oh!
(slurping)
Uh, this coffee's too hot.
SIDESHOW BOB: Ow!
Hey, kids, want to drive
through that cactus patch?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
SIDESHOW BOB: No.
Well, two against one.
SIDESHOW BOB: Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
♪ The Thompsons ♪
Wow, a houseboat.
You know, the great thing is,
if you don't like your neighbors,
you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else.
(laughter)
(groans)
-(blow landing) -(faint groaning)
Homer, where's the dog?
Uh, I tied him up out back.
(panting)
(sighs)
We've left it all behind.
How can you make a clean break
with your life?
Relax, Marge.
I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
Hello!
You have my pills!
Hello!
I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.
(howling in distance)
SIDESHOW BOB: Hello, Bart.
(screaming)
Down here, Bart.
Ow!
What do you want?
Surely there's no harm
in laying in the middle of a public street.
(loud groaning)
-(trumpeting) -Not the elephants! No!
-(crunching) -(groaning)
-(splatting) -(groaning)
(crunching and splatting)
-(groaning) -(splatting and crunching)
(groaning)
(bird chirping)
(glugging)
Ah!
Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob,
and he threatened to kill me!
Bart, don't interrupt.
Homer, this is serious.
Oh, it is not.
Roman numeral III:
surprise boy in bed--
(slurping)
...and, uh, disembowel him.
No, I don't like that "bowel" in there.
Gut him.
Ah! Le mot juste!
(moaning)
(creaking)
Bart, you want some brownie before you go to bed?
(screaming)
Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now.
I'd appreciate you not coming in my room
screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Why?
Oh, right.
This Sideshow Bob thing.
I'm sorry, boy.
Bart, you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?
-(screaming) -(saw whirring)
Oh, sorry.
What am I thinking?
(water gurgling)
(groans)
(door creaking)
Hello, Bart.
Mom! Dad!
Your family can't help you now.
(grunting)
-(snoring) -Oh, no! Dad's been drugged.
No, he hasn't.
Uh-oh.
(crackling)
Ohh!
-Oh, yeah. -Well, Bart.
Any last requests?
Well, there is one, but...
-Nah. -No, go on.
Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
Guilty as charged.
Uh-huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing
the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Very well, Bart.
I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell.
And a-two and a-three and...
♪ We sail the ocean blue ♪
♪ And our saucy ship's a beauty ♪
♪ We are sober men, and true ♪
♪ And attentive to our duty ♪
♪ I'm poor little buttercup ♪
♪ Poor little buttercup ♪
♪ Though I could never tell why ♪
♪ What, never? No, never ♪
♪ What, never? ♪
♪ Hardly ever ♪
♪ He's hardly ever sick at sea ♪
♪ For he himself has said it ♪
♪ And it's clearly to his credit ♪
♪ That he is an Englishman ♪
♪ He remains ♪
♪ An Englishman ♪
And now, the final curtain.
(guns cocking)
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob.
You're under arrest.
By Lucifer's beard!
Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
I knew I had to buy some time. So I asked him
to sing the score from the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-acies.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here.
Bake him away, toys.
What did you say, Chief?
Do what the kid says.
Hmm. It's so good to be home again.
Look what happened without my pills!
(gasping)
Bart, run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine.
Not so fast. I want to court this fair young maiden.
GRAMPA: There's something you should know about me.
JASPER: I've got Steve and Eydie tickets.
I'm all yours!
(kissing sound)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.