1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,052 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,472 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,853 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,490 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,450 (tires screech) 7 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,120 D'oh! 8 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:39,372 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,390 SKINNER: Children, we've just been tipped off 10 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:58,725 that Superintendent Chalmers 11 00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,518 is planning a surprise inspection. 12 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,187 So let's clean up this pigsty. 13 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,357 Wha! 14 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,109 (cawing) 15 00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,819 On another topic, the following students 16 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,488 have won mountain bikes: 17 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:12,947 Bart Simpson, 18 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,532 Jimbo Jones, 19 00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:16,409 Nelson Muntz. 20 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,411 I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud 21 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,121 till I get back. 22 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,956 Yes, sir. 23 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:29,130 You may pick your bikes up in utility basement B. 24 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:30,340 Fools. 25 00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:33,885 (laughter) 26 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:38,973 Oops. 27 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,350 Still on. 28 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,976 Hey, what do you think he meant 29 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,395 by that "fools" remark? 30 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:47,565 Eh, who cares? Time to get me a mountain bike. 31 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,115 NELSON: Hey, what gives? 32 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,908 Where are the mountain bikes? 33 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,452 SKINNER: Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. 34 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,037 You're being swept under the rug 35 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,205 for the superintendent's visit. 36 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:03,873 Enjoy. 37 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,208 (locks clicking) 38 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,001 How are we going to get out of here? 39 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,921 And when are we going to get our mountain bikes? 40 00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:11,131 Would the world judge me harshly 41 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,465 if I threw away the key? 42 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:16,177 No, but the P.T.A would tear you a new arse. 43 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,428 Wise counsel, William, 44 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,596 but the potty talk adds nothing. 45 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,014 Aye, sir. 46 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,809 You bath-taking, underpants-wearing, lily-hugger. 47 00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,152 Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. 48 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,528 Hello, Seymour. 49 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:36,114 So, what's the word down at 1 School Board Plaza? 50 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,615 We're dropping the geography requirement. 51 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,325 The children weren't testing well. 52 00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,743 It was proving to be an embarrassment. 53 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,413 Very good. Back to the three "r's." 54 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,831 Two "r's" come October. 55 00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:46,166 Hmm. 56 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,417 What do you think of the banners? 57 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,460 Nothing but transparent toadying. 58 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,046 They were the children's idea. I tried to stop them. 59 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,882 It's always the children's fault, 60 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,091 isn't it, Seymour? 61 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,427 Yes. Yes, it is, sir. 62 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:01,264 Imagine a school out there with no bullies. 63 00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:03,766 Science geeks not getting beat up. 64 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,686 Kids using their lunch money for food. 65 00:03:06,769 --> 00:03:08,104 I can't take it! 66 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,564 Uhh! Huh! 67 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,065 Ooh! Ooh! 68 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,278 Hey, I think I can squeeze through that vent. 69 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:16,654 All right. 70 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:17,989 All right, Bart. Do it, man. 71 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:27,582 Now, remember, little dude, 72 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:30,168 you're our only hope. 73 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,461 Uh! 74 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:32,462 Ow! 75 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:33,546 Got him! 76 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,341 -Way to go, man! -Ha-ha! 77 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,551 May I interest you in a Jell-O brick, sir? 78 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:39,886 There's a grape in the center. 79 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,846 Well, I'm not made of stone. 80 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,181 (laughs) 81 00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,974 You're not made of stone. 82 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:49,312 A brick, and you're not made of... stone. 83 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,731 Ah, my beauty. 84 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:54,400 Wait till the superintendent sees you. 85 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,778 Were it not a violation of God's law, 86 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,113 I'd make you my wife. 87 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:01,407 Now there's a lonely man. 88 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,119 (gulp) 89 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,374 I'm new in town. 90 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,792 Be there a cool loch 91 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:14,087 where a lass could wash her long red hair? 92 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:17,173 Nay, but there's a pool at me apartment complex. 93 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,342 There was a rat in the deep end 94 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,385 but we got him. 95 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,178 Ah. Lead on. 96 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,224 48... 49... 97 00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:27,392 50. 98 00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:28,559 Flag's up to date. 99 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,395 Very good, Seymour. 100 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,647 Now, are these children as smart as they look? 101 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:34,524 Well, let's pick one at random. 102 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,943 Uh... Hmm... How about that one? 103 00:04:37,026 --> 00:04:39,153 -You mean this boy here? -No! No, Lisa Simpson. 104 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,030 When was the Battle of New Orleans? 105 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:45,827 January 8, 1815, two weeks after the war ended. 106 00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,036 First-rate. 107 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,371 What's a battle? 108 00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:50,206 (forced laughs) Let's go. 109 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,874 Did that boy say "What's a battle?" 110 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,376 No. He said "What's that rattle?" 111 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,377 It's about the heating ducts. 112 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,838 It sounded like "battle." 113 00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,381 I've had a cold. 114 00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,174 So you hear "r's" as "b's"? 115 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:01,384 Yes. 116 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:02,427 I understand. 117 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,436 Come on, Bart. 118 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,979 Ride me. 119 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,857 I better not. 120 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,444 (clucking) 121 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:20,945 He's insulting both of us. 122 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,198 Let's go. 123 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,203 (screaming) 124 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,081 (kids screaming) 125 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,298 Excellent. Not a trace of urine. 126 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:42,008 Seymour, you run a tight ship. 127 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,593 Well, you know what they say, sir, 128 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,012 where there's no smoke, there's no fire. 129 00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:47,388 What an odd remark. 130 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,349 Why, that looks like a 50¢ piece. 131 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,225 I'll just bend over and get it. 132 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,978 (screams) 133 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,772 -It seems to be caught... -(screams) 134 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,315 ...between these two flowers. 135 00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:58,399 Aah! 136 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,818 No! 137 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,653 Ow, ow, ow. 138 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:05,156 Seymour, I was thinking of promoting you 139 00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:06,741 to assistant superintendent, 140 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:09,827 but instead, that plum goes to Holloway. 141 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,245 Oh, but, sir, he's a drunk. 142 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,164 -And a pill-popper. -If I could just-- 143 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,123 Silence! 144 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,958 And why is a cafeteria worker 145 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,126 posing as a nurse? 146 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,504 I get two paychecks this way. 147 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:20,463 D'oh. 148 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,883 There's no detention this time, Simpson. 149 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,885 This is the end. 150 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:30,723 You are expelled from Springfield Elementary. 151 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,016 (tractor laughing) 152 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:36,437 (laughing hysterically) 153 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:37,688 Aw... 154 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,025 KENT: Tonight, on Eye on Springfield: 155 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,194 The munchkins from "The Wizard of Oz." 156 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:45,029 Where are they now? 157 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,449 And, we'll visit a nudist camp... 158 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,243 for animals. 159 00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,953 But first, a look at the local holiday 160 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:54,705 that was called distasteful and puerile 161 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,707 by a panel of hillbillies-- 162 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,584 Whacking Day. 163 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,670 Oh, no! No! 164 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,880 In a tradition that dates back to founding father 165 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,132 Jebediah Springfield, 166 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,092 every May 10th, local residents gather 167 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:08,386 to drive snakes into the center of town 168 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:10,555 and whack them to snake heaven. 169 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:11,639 (grunting) 170 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,727 (crowd cheering) 171 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,646 After exposing Alger Hiss, 172 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,898 honorary grand marshal Richard Nixon 173 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,400 goes after another deadly hiss. 174 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:28,322 (grunting) 175 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,199 Is-is Whacking Day over? 176 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,743 (crowd booing) 177 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:33,870 Thank you. 178 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,663 Thanks for coming out. 179 00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:36,956 (shuddering groan) 180 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:38,207 It's all so barbaric. 181 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,418 Hey, kids, how was school? 182 00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:42,587 I learned how many drams in a pennyweight. 183 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:43,754 I got expelled. 184 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:44,964 That's my boy. 185 00:07:46,090 --> 00:07:47,633 Mmm... beer. 186 00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:48,968 What?! 187 00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:50,720 Look, Dad, I don't need school. 188 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,638 I'll make my way as a bootblack. 189 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:53,973 Shine your boots, guv'nor? 190 00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:55,558 No son of mine is gonna be 191 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,602 a 19th century cockney bootblack. 192 00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,854 We're gonna find you another school. 193 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,653 Now, remember, Bart, this is a religious school. 194 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:10,031 So be very careful about what you say and do here. 195 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:11,324 No problemo. 196 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:13,576 Now, Bart, since you're new here, 197 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,120 perhaps you'd favor us with a Psalm. 198 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:20,166 How about... "Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit?" 199 00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:22,877 Well, beans were a staple of the Israelites. 200 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,086 Yes, proceed. 201 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,796 (clearing throat) 202 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,715 "Beans, beans, the musical fruit 203 00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:29,425 the more you eat, the more you toot." 204 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:35,223 (humming) 205 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,974 Avert your eyes, children! 206 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,935 He may take on other forms! 207 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,688 I guess that's it. 208 00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,065 I just can't be educated. 209 00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:46,234 (sighs) 210 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:47,527 I can always get a job 211 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,738 testing dangerous food additives. 212 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,241 We'd like you to try this new diet cola. 213 00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,076 We call it Nature's Goodness. 214 00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,703 -What's in it? -2-4-desoxyprophenuramine. 215 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:02,667 (burps) 216 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,922 (grunting and growling) 217 00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,840 Sweet. 218 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,260 Pleasing taste, some monsterism. 219 00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,304 Cool. 220 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,139 You're going to get an education. 221 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,267 I'm going to teach you myself. 222 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,560 Marge, it's too late. 223 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,228 The boy is ten years old. 224 00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:25,565 Let's focus our energy on Lisa and the other one. 225 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:26,899 What's your problem? 226 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,318 -Whacking Day is coming. -Whoo-hoo! 227 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,237 The greatest day of the year. 228 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,322 But killing snakes is evil. 229 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,074 Maybe so, Lisa, 230 00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,827 but it's part of our, oh, so human nature. 231 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,496 Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil 232 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,248 that cannot be resolved. 233 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,753 ♪ I am evil Homer, I am evil Homer ♪ 234 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:51,465 ♪ I am evil Homer I am evil Homer... ♪ 235 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,097 Have a nice day at school, Lis. 236 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,683 I'll just try and make the best of a bad situation. 237 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,477 (stretches) 238 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,396 Ah! 239 00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:06,939 Bart, get dressed for school. 240 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,941 I expect you to be in your seat when the bell rings. 241 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,028 (giggling) 242 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,779 I bought a bell. 243 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,038 -(loud clanging) -(both yelling) 244 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,040 I think I'll unplug that. 245 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,252 I'm your new teacher. 246 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,380 My name is Mrs. Simpson. (chuckles) 247 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,923 (uneasy chuckle) 248 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,258 (groaning) 249 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,686 (tooting) 250 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,190 I didn't do it. 251 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,566 (groans) 252 00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:53,527 (knocking) 253 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:54,945 Oh, that's right. 254 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,405 I invited a guest speaker to talk to the class. 255 00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,950 Hello, children. 256 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,827 I got separated from my platoon 257 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,497 after we parachuted into Dusseldorf. 258 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,336 So I rode out the war 259 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,798 posing as a German cabaret singer. 260 00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:17,385 ♪ Won't you come home, Franz Brauder? ♪ 261 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,137 ♪ Won't you come home? ♪ 262 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:21,555 MAN: Yoo-hoo! 263 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:31,399 Ach, du lieber! Das ist not eine booby! 264 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,484 Is that story true, Grampa? 265 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:34,902 Well, most of it. 266 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:37,780 I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. 267 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,032 Oh, they had designers then. 268 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,450 (garage door opening) 269 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,160 (yelling) 270 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,081 Look what I got, Marge. 271 00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:50,042 A new whacking stick. 272 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,252 Whack! 273 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,253 Ooh! 274 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:54,046 Excuse me. 275 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,673 Whack, whack, whack! 276 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,675 Whoo, whoo, whoo! 277 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,844 Bart, I'd like you to read this copy 278 00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,429 of "Johnny Tremain." 279 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:02,888 It's a book I read as a girl. 280 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,473 A book? (blows a raspberry) 281 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,975 I think you might like this. 282 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,477 It's about a boy who goes to war. 283 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,396 His hand is deformed in an accident. 284 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:11,355 Deformed? 285 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,898 Why didn't you say so? 286 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,901 They should call this book "Johnny Deformed". 287 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,404 ♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪ 288 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:21,323 ♪ The Itchy and Scratchy show ♪ 289 00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:29,457 (gunshot) 290 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,625 -MAN: Oh, god! -MAN 2: Get his gun! 291 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:34,044 ♪ The Itchy and Scratchy show ♪ 292 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,588 "...hundreds would die 293 00:12:35,671 --> 00:12:37,506 "but not the thing they died for. 294 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,884 A man can stand up." 295 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,553 Wow. 296 00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,680 Mm-hmm. If you'd like to learn more 297 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:48,476 about colonial times, we could take a field trip to Olde Springfield Towne. 298 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,019 (garage door opens) 299 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,729 (yelling) 300 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:53,606 D'oh! 301 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,402 (karate grunts) 302 00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:08,537 (karate yell) 303 00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:12,541 -LISA: Dad. -Wha! 304 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:13,918 Dad! 305 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,629 Everyone likes Whacking Day, but I hate it. 306 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:18,672 Is there something wrong with me? 307 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,216 Yes, honey. 308 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,717 Then what should I do? 309 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,595 Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball 310 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,264 and release it at an appropriate time. 311 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:28,641 Like that day I hit the referee 312 00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,142 with a whiskey bottle. 313 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,352 -Remember that? -Yeah. 314 00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,187 When daddy hit the referee? 315 00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,230 -Yeah. -Yeah. 316 00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:41,362 Any experience? 317 00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,531 Yes. I played Panicky Idiot #2 318 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,491 in "The Poseidon Adventure". 319 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:49,578 Sorry, we're looking for more of a "duh, duh" idiot. 320 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,581 But... No, I see. 321 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,042 -(Barney groaning) -Hello, Barney. 322 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,919 Are you playing the town drunk? 323 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,380 Actually, I'm supposed to be the governor. 324 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,631 (belching) 325 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,341 The enemy surrounded the fort, 326 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,802 and said that if the captain was sent out, 327 00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,679 the rest would be spared. 328 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,889 -What did they do? -They sent him out. 329 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,516 -Was he killed? -And how! 330 00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:14,144 That's why they call it Fort Sensible. 331 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:19,400 MAN: This is Jebediah Springfield at the Battle of Ticonderoga. 332 00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:20,359 Next. 333 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,695 And here he is killing a snake 334 00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:26,073 on the very first Whacking Day in 1775. 335 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,742 Hey, wait a minute. 336 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,453 That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga. 337 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,831 How could he be in two places at once? 338 00:14:33,914 --> 00:14:36,083 Uh... um... 339 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:37,084 you see... 340 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,839 He'll blow the whole deal. 341 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:42,715 Get him out of here. 342 00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,550 Roger. 343 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:45,885 (gasping) 344 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,803 If you want to learn more about Whacking Day, 345 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,014 there are many fine books in our gift shop. 346 00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:53,267 Welcome to your official Whacking Day headquarters. 347 00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:56,061 I've hidden a snake somewhere in the store. 348 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,356 The first one to whack it gets a free Squishee. 349 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,150 (grunting) I got it. 350 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,651 No. That's a licorice whip. 351 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,361 MAN: Over here near the beer. 352 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:07,156 -Hey, hey! -Aah! 353 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,617 Oh, I should have put more thought into my promotion. 354 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,076 Aim for the body, men. 355 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,203 Right, chief. 356 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,121 (gunshot) 357 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,082 And the Lord said 358 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:20,210 "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl on their bellies 359 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,087 "and thy town shall be 360 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,548 a beacon unto others." 361 00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,260 So you see, Lisa, even God himself 362 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,137 endorses Whacking Day. 363 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,472 Let me see that. 364 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:32,932 Mmm, no. 365 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,647 (to tune of "O Tannenbaum") ♪ O Whacking Day ♪ 366 00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,857 ♪ O Whacking Day ♪ 367 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:46,528 ♪ Our hallowed snake skull-cracking day ♪ 368 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,949 ♪ We'll break their backs, gouge out their eyes ♪ 369 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:54,119 ♪ Their evil hearts, we'll pulverize ♪ 370 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:58,624 ♪ O Whacking Day, O Whacking Day ♪ 371 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:04,546 ♪ May God bestow His grace on thee ♪ 372 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,173 Here you go. 373 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:07,383 Official Whacking Day parking. 374 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,843 Ten dollars per axle. 375 00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:13,931 (brakes screech) 376 00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:15,057 Woo-hoo! 377 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,642 Hooray! 378 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,310 (Barney grunting) 379 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,312 Take that, snake. 380 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:21,855 And you too. 381 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,524 Snakes! Snakes everywhere! 382 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:25,609 Getting ready for Whacking Day? 383 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:27,277 What's Whacking Day? 384 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,744 Did you bring the pre-whacked snakes? 385 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,039 Beautiful. 386 00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:46,380 Well, Marge, should I whack slow or fast? 387 00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:49,717 Slow, then fast. 388 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,094 (both giggling) 389 00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,095 Uh-oh. 390 00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:54,138 Dad, please, 391 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,015 for the last time, I beg you, 392 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:59,143 don't lower yourself to the level of the mob. 393 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,021 Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, 394 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,481 I can help steer it in wise directions. 395 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,401 Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn? 396 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,280 (air horn blows) 397 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,576 And now to open this year's festivities, 398 00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,411 here's our Grand Marshall 399 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:20,164 the prophet of love, Larry White. 400 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,623 Barry White. 401 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,167 No, it says here Larry White. 402 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,668 I know my own name. 403 00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,587 Yeah? Well, we'll see. 404 00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,922 (crowd cheering) 405 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,342 Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all. 406 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:35,846 It's truly an honor to be here at this... 407 00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,348 Hey, what is this all about anyway? 408 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,975 (whispering) 409 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,518 Oh, God, no. 410 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,520 You people make me sick. 411 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,856 (cheering) 412 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,274 Were they even listening to me? 413 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,068 I, uh, don't think so. 414 00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:53,614 And now, let's hear it for our own Miss Springfield. 415 00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:56,533 Gentlemen, start your whacking. 416 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:11,673 D'oh! 417 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,180 Eww! A bug! 418 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,181 (screams) 419 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,437 If the snakes were in here, 420 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,855 we could protect them. 421 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,649 Well, according to this, 422 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,860 snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground, 423 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,863 so if we put our stereo speakers on the ground 424 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,573 and play something with a lot of bass, 425 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:39,785 those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham. 426 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:42,287 Oh, good idea. Let's see. 427 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,039 Bass, bass... 428 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,708 "Tiny Tim", "The Chipmunks Greatest Hits", 429 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:47,793 "A Castrato Christmas." 430 00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,461 (groans) 431 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,755 ♪ Can't get enough of your love, babe ♪ 432 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,426 (gasps) Mr. White, can we borrow you for a minute? 433 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,971 Anything... for a lady. 434 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,515 ("Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" playing) 435 00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,183 ♪ Don't bother the snakes ♪ 436 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,978 ♪ Leave all the snakes ♪ 437 00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:06,979 ♪ Alone ♪ 438 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,400 ♪ Ah, yeah ♪ 439 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,901 ♪ Oh-whoa, babe ♪ 440 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,114 ♪ Come here ♪ 441 00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:21,827 ♪ My darling, I... ♪ 442 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:26,415 ♪ Can't get enough of your love, babe ♪ 443 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:30,669 ♪ Girl, I don't know, I don't know why ♪ 444 00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,964 ♪ Can't get enough of your love, babe ♪ 445 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:38,760 ♪ Some things I can't get used to ♪ 446 00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:41,513 ♪ No matter how I try ♪ 447 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,224 (rumbling) 448 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:48,562 ♪ It's like the more you give, the more I want ♪ 449 00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:51,106 ♪ And, baby, that's no... ♪ 450 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,108 ♪ That's no lie ♪ 451 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,694 ♪ Tell me, what can I say? ♪ 452 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,029 In here! 453 00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,697 ♪ What am I gonna do? ♪ 454 00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,532 ♪ How should I feel when-- ♪ 455 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,909 -(record stops) -(indistinct yelling) 456 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,497 Hey, where did all the snakes go? 457 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,417 (hisses) 458 00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:18,050 BART: People of Springfield, Whacking Day is a sham! 459 00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:19,593 It was started in 1924 460 00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,637 as an excuse to beat up the Irish. 461 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,846 (murmuring) 462 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,598 'Tis true. I took many a lump, 463 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,433 but 'twas all in good fun. 464 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:27,684 Now wait a minute! 465 00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:29,770 How can you people turn on snakes 466 00:20:29,853 --> 00:20:31,605 after all they've done for you? 467 00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:32,898 I'm an old man. 468 00:20:32,981 --> 00:20:34,691 I hate everything but Matlock. 469 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,276 Ooh, it's on now. 470 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,696 Mrs. Glick, who killed all those rats in your basement? 471 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,114 Snake did. 472 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,866 You like snakes, don't you, Barry White? 473 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:46,620 I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. 474 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,455 Oh, baby. 475 00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:49,957 ALL: Hooray for snakes! 476 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,792 Hooray for snakes! 477 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:54,544 Look at this, everyone, 12 dead snakes. 478 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:55,837 (booing) 479 00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,548 I'm sick of you people. 480 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,634 You're nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads. 481 00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:02,052 He's right. 482 00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,637 Give us hell, Quimby! 483 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,055 (cheering) 484 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,225 ♪ Born free ♪ 485 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:12,813 ♪ As free as the wind blows ♪ 486 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:16,984 ♪ As free as the grass grows... ♪ 487 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,485 Bart, I'm very impressed 488 00:21:18,568 --> 00:21:20,362 at the independent learning you've displayed here. 489 00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,072 Thanks, Seymour. 490 00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,365 Uh... yes. 491 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,200 Um, anyway, as a reward for your studying, 492 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,786 I've decided to welcome you back to our school. 493 00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:31,957 You'll be reunited with your chums, Nelson, Jimbo, D-- 494 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,333 Oh, dear God! 495 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,460 I guess I've always used violence 496 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,212 as a way of getting attention. 497 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:39,923 Yes, yes, me too. 498 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,801 -Oh... -Oh... 499 00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,595 Faster, Willie, faster. 500 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,889 Now we give them the bikes, no one sues. 501 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,433 (chuckles) 502 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:50,517 (forced chuckle) 503 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,102 What if they're dead, sir? 504 00:21:52,185 --> 00:21:55,105 Then we ride these bikes to Mexico and freedom, Willie! 505 00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:56,189 Freedom! 506 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:57,566 Freedom. (laughs) 507 00:21:57,649 --> 00:22:00,235 Yeah, I'll turn you in at the first toll booth. 508 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:11,747 ♪♪ 509 00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:55,499 Shh. 510 00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:01,838 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.