♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(alarm ringing)
Oh, no. I can't see.
I'm blind. Blind!
Ha ha!
April fool's.
Hee... hee...
Aah!
Ha ha! April fool's.
I been keeping that carton of milk
next to the furnace for six weeks. Sucker!
You're going down, Homer.
I'm gonna fool you.
You talk better than you fool.
I'll fool you up real nice.
You couldn't fool your mother
on the foolingest day of your life
if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Pee-yew.
(groans)
Ah, what noble visionary thought up April Fool's day?
Like Halloween and Christmas, April Fool's day
traces its origins to pagan ritual.
God bless those pagans.
April first used to be the pagan new year.
ALL (chanting): Blood for Baal! Blood for Baal!
Blood for Baal!
LISA: The Christians changed their calendar
and ridiculed those who didn't.
Happy New Year!
Heigh-ho, pagans.
New year's was three months ago, but here's a present any-who.
It's ram's blood for your godless ceremony.
(laughing)
April Fool's.
(snickering)
(growls)
ALL (chanting): Now who's laughing?!
And that's the story of April Fool's day.
Dad, I was telling the story.
Oh, right.
Thar she blows.
The catch of the day.
-Arr. -Arrgh. Arr.
Arrgh.
Arr.
Why, ye mutinous dogs.
From this day, I be requiring hairnets.
Arr... argh... arr...
I've got to fool him before the day is out.
But how?
He must have a weakness.
Ah, beer. My one weakness.
My Achilles heel, if you will.
Beer! Beer is the cheese.
But how to use it...
Whoo! It's a good thing
that beer wasn't shaken up any more
or I'd have looked quite the fool--
An April fool, as it were.
(chuckles)
(evil laugh)
Hey, kid, that's for customers only.
Did you know there's a guy outside
handing out free Stridex pads?
Wow! I'm in pizza-face paradise.
Moron.
Ay! No es bueno!
So thirsty.
Eh! What are you going to do?
ANNOUNCER: The following
is a public service announcement.
Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage
and cancer of the rectum.
Mmm... beer...
April f--
That sounded like an explosion
at the old Simpson place.
Forget it-- That's two blocks away.
Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
I am proceeding on foot.
Call in a code eight.
We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
(panting)
Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead.
(gasps)
(chuckling)
April fool's.
He's very much alive.
Although I'm afraid he may never walk again.
(all gasping)
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream... ♪
-Homie! -Marge!
Homer has many, many horrible problems.
These shadows are brain lesions
resulting from numerous blows to the head.
(grunts)
(snoring)
Ah...
♪♪ ("Psycho" theme)
Ah!
And his brain waves are disturbingly erratic.
You are wired into the rest of your family.
You have the ability to shock them
and they have the ability to shock--
Just testing.
Whoa!
Ah!
Bart, how could you shock your little sister?
My finger slipped.
Ah!
So did mine.
-Ay! -Ah!
Bart, Lisa, stop that.
BOTH: Ah!
-Bart! -Whoa!
DR. MONROE: No, no, no.
No, wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
Folks, folks, if I could--
This is not the way to get healthy!
(Simpsons clamoring)
Mrs. Simpson, can you think of anything
to account for all this?
I have no idea.
Unless it was that time he kept falling down the cliff.
I won't jump anymore. I promise.
Oh, thank God, thank God, thank God.
-I love you, Dad. -I love you, too, son.
You know, boy, I don't think
I've ever felt this close to you as I do right-- Huh?
Huh? What? Huh?
Ah!
D-ah!
CROWD: Ooh!
I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it!
This is the greatest thrill of my life.
I'm king of the world!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
I--
(screaming)
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Oh! Yee! Yow! Oh!
Oh! D'oh! Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
(panting)
Yow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
(siren wailing)
Ah!
Ooh! Ow! Ow!
(grunting)
D'oh! D'oh! Ooh!
(grunting)
(panting)
Ow!
Hmm...
that still wouldn't explain what I'm seeing here.
You look familiar.
-Have we met before? -DOCTOR: Uh...
Clear.
Doctor, he's gone.
This is the part of the job I hate.
(gasps)
You're a veterinarian?
That's right. And for an extra $20,
I'll give Homer a tick bath and then spay him.
-Here you go, Doc. -Bart!
Shop around. You can't beat that price.
You guys must have been pretty worried about me.
Hey, we know you're tough, Dad.
Remember that time you got lost in the forest?
This is a trap.
It's gonna catch us our dinner. C'mon, boy.
Shh! Just watch.
Ooh...
A-ha! Got him.
(distant thud)
Okay, okay,
this time, I'll just go into the bushes over there
make a lot of noise, and flush out a rabbit.
When he comes out, you step on him.
Right, Dad.
(animals chittering)
Ah! Get them off me!
Get them off me! Get them off me!
(grunting)
It's true-- You have good coping skills.
Your burgers are getting cold, guys--
Holy moley.
Ah!
Oh!
Huh?
And there's one Itchy and Scratchy cartoon
I don't think we'll ever forget.
Ah!
Why did you bring that up?
It was an amusing episode...
of our lives.
Thanks for coming to visit me, Moe.
I brought you a little present.
No... no... beer bring pain.
I can't stand to see him like this.
Ah... ah...
(muffled groaning)
(loud yell)
He really needs a girlfriend.
Oh, Marge, what if I wind up as some vegetable
watching TV on the couch?
My important work will never be completed.
Society's loss, I suppose,
but our marriage has been through hard times
and we always pull through.
♪♪ ("Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong")
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Marge!
What a lovely surprise.
You're here to see me, right?
Of course.
(cheering, applause)
Hey!
Way to go, Homer. Way to go!
Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car
with the woman I love,
and I won't be back for ten minutes.
(cheering, applause)
You can do it, Homer. Stand up.
I can't.
He just won't budge.
I've tried everything.
Nothing can reach him.
Mmm...
(echoing) chocolate.
(barking)
(yapping)
Wow, chocolate, half price.
Chocolate...
Bah! Bah!
Bah!
Can't breathe...
sweet chocolate...
cutting off air...
(gagging)
Mmm...
nuts.
(Homer gagging)
(swallowing)
Oh, yeah.
Poor Homer.
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
(gagging)
Ah! Kill it!
Kill it!
Grandpa, please, he's in a coma.
Coma?
Why, I go in and out of comas all the--
French toast, please.
Is a coma painful?
Oh, heck no.
You relive long-lost summers, kiss girls from high school.
It's like one of those TV shows
where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.
Yeah, well, anyway,
I wonder what he's thinking now.
(relaxing music plays)
This man is costing my health plan $5,000 a day.
I demand that he die with dignity.
Now, look, I'm the doctor here.
Well, I demand a second opinion.
Hi, everybody!
ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick!
(yelps)
Oh, dear.
I see no signs of life.
Just to be safe, we'd better pull the plug.
Yoink.
Mr. Burns, how can you be so coldhearted?
You have no idea, woman, what that man's put me through.
HOMER: Uh, Mr. Burns,
I need to borrow some money.
Please, do go on.
HOMER: I know you're a good man
and I have a dog that's very sick.
Oh, please, continue.
I thought maybe you--
Oh.
Well, thanks for your time.
I have an unorthodox solution--
A fantastic voyage, if you will.
Three scientists, one a beautiful woman,
will be shrunk to microscopic size.
They will then rendezvous in Mr. Simpson's lower colon.
ALL: Ew!
Well, we have had a little trouble finding volunteers.
I wish I'd gotten to know you better, Dad,
but there were times when we really connected.
Hi, Dad.
Want me to cut out this infernal racket?
Oh, let me hear you play.
Why?
Does a father have to explain?
Let's just share your gift, okay?
♪♪ (blues)
Oh...
(sobbing)
(wailing)
♪♪ ("When the Saints Go Marching In")
Huh?
Yeah, that's more like it.
Oh-ho! Woo!
♪ Oh, I want to be in that rumba ♪
♪ When the saints go over there ♪
♪ Oh, over there ♪
♪ Oh, over there... ♪
I wrote this for you, Dad.
♪♪ (blues)
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I know I haven't been a perfect kid.
-(rumbling) -(gasps)
Why, you little--
♪♪ ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" theme)
What the-- D'oh!
(horn honks)
(Bart snickering)
(primitive jabbering)
I know that I got you mad once in a while.
(repeatedly yelling "D'oh!")
And sometimes, I got into trouble.
(rattling)
Bart, you can't go on like this.
I know.
(coughs)
But you always looked out for me.
MARGE: Homer, it's really coming down.
Could you check on the boys?
(thunderclap)
They're fine.
And no matter what happens
I'll never forget the advice you gave me.
Now come on, you're gonna learn how to shave.
And finally, the little spot under your nose.
Next, we take some toilet paper
tear off some teensy little squares
and stick one there,
and there,
and any place you're bleeding.
There, and there. Don't worry.
The blood will hold it right on your face.
Now some after shave.
Ooh! Ah! Eeh!
(screams)
(groans)
Ah! You son of a--!
And that's how we shave.
Dad, it's all my fault.
I shook up that can of beer.
It was just an April fool's joke.
(beeping)
(growling)
(beeping)
Why, you little--!
Homie, you're all right!
We're a family again!
(Homer growling, Bart gagging)
This calls for a celebration.
We're all going to Hawaii.
(all gasping)
Gotcha!
It's April fool's for two more minutes.
Dad, it's May 16th.
You were in that coma for seven weeks.
Uh-huh.
(laughing)
You lost five percent of your brain.
Me lose brain? Uh-oh.
(laughing)
Why I laugh?
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.