♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(Homer sighing contentedly)
Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.
♪♪ (humming "Blue Danube Waltz")
(screaming)
Let go! Let go!
I'm all naked and wet!
Get up, Homer. It's time for church.
I don't want to go.
It's church. You have to go.
Too cold out.
(growling ferociously)
I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed.
Oh... stupid, itchy church pants.
(grunting)
One size fits all, my butt.
Come on. We're going to be late.
(pants ripping)
Forget it. I'm not going.
(groans)
(squeaking)
Hey, where's Homer?
Your father's... resting.
Resting hung over, resting got fired?
Help me out here.
Ah, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun.
I never want to leave this bed.
Uh-oh... got to take a whiz.
Think, man, think.
Think, think, think.
I better get up.
I'm whizzing with the door open, and I love it.
♪ Why, oh, why, Delilah? ♪
DISK JOCKEY: It's 11 KBBL degrees below zero.
I hope you're someplace warm.
You bet your sweet...
ass!
(shivering)
I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.
MAN: Yeah, what's the story?
But let's just put it out of our minds
and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah...
long version.
"Joy is gone from our hearts.
Our dancing has turned to mourning."
♪♪ (pop-rock)
♪ Who wears short shorts? ♪
♪ I wear short shorts ♪
The perfect chance to make my patented space-age
out-of-this-world moon waffles.
Let's see here.
Caramels...
waffle batter...
liquid smoke...
Ooh... waffle runoff.
(sizzling)
(steam escaping)
Mmm... fattening.
...and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell.
(cracking)
The searing heat,
the scalding rivers of molten sulfur.
Ahh... I'm there.
Uh-oh.
(whistling)
Here, boy.
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
MINISTER: The service is ended.
Go in peace.
♪♪ (organ)
(grunting)
The door's frozen shut... and it's the only way out!
(mumbling)
Our Father who art in heaven...
Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.
DISK JOCKEY 1: That was Johnny Calhoun with
"Gonna Find Me a Genie with a Magic Bikini."
DISK JOCKEY 2: Of course Johnny's next record was a spoken-word album
of his right-wing political views.
It kinda killed his career.
If you can tell me the name of that album
call our contest line now.
(gasps) I know that!
Hello, this is Homer Simpson.
Homer, can you name that title?
"This Things I Believe."
-Can we accept that? -(cash register jingling)
Whoo-hoo!
How's that door coming, Willie?
Miracles are your department, Reverend.
MINISTER: While we're waiting,
why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin?
"Card table for sale.
"Top badly damaged, leg missing, otherwise fine.
One dollar or best offer."
WOMAN (on TV): You must be the three chiropractors I sent for.
Now, start manipulating my spine.
CURLY: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothing about manipulating.
MOE: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get cracking.
-Moe is their leader. -(whooping)
-MOE: Why you-- -CURLY: Hey!
(grunting)
Huzzah!
Please, please, Christians, don't push.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoa!
Coming through. How ya doin'? Love that hat, baby.
Come on, TV, give me some of that sweet, sweet pep.
Let's define our terms, gentlemen.
Are we talking about redistricting
or are we talking about reapportionment?
Oh, well. Can't win them all.
MAN: We interrupt this public affairs program
to bring you a football game.
Yes!
(engine sputtering)
(sputtering)
(Marge mimicking engine sputtering)
Give it a little more gas.
No, no, that's too much.
Know what I think would help?
What?! What would help?!
Nothing.
ANNOUNCER: A 98-yard triple reverse ties the score at 63-63.
We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today.
Three visits from Morgana, the Kissing Bandit
and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.
Whoo-hoo!
Is that what I think it is?
Mm-hmm.
I found a penny!
Could this be the best day of my life?
(laughing hysterically)
Looks like we have a new champion.
(shivering)
HOMER: Ah, my beloved family.
How was church?
(grumbling)
I, on the other hand,
have been having the best day of my life,
and I owe it all to skipping church.
That's a terrible thing to say.
Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.
Like fun, I don't.
Marge, I'm never going to church again.
Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, yes.
(metal scraping)
I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.
Hey, what's the big deal
about going to some building every Sunday?
I mean, isn't God everywhere?
Amen, brother.
And don't you think that the Almighty
has better things to worry about
than where one little guy
spends one measly hour of his week?
Tell it, Daddy.
And what if we picked the wrong religion?
Every week we're just making God madder and madder.
Testify!
(growls)
Lord, my husband is by no means perfect
but he's a kind, decent man.
Please show him the error of his ways.
Marge, come to bed.
No, Homer.
He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord.
He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.
Marge...
come to bed, Marge.
Lord, he's not a bad person, Lord, really.
He just sometimes...
It's good for what ails you.
He doesn't mean any harm.
I can wait all...
(snoring)
(rumbling)
Ooh!
(static)
God?
Thou hast forsaken my church!
Well, kind of... but...
But what?
I'm not a bad guy.
I work hard and I love my kids
so why should I spend half my Sunday
hearing about how I'm going to hell?
Hmm.
You've got a point there.
You know, sometimes
even I'd rather be watching football.
Does St. Louis still have a team?
No. They moved to Phoenix.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I really hate about church?
Those boring sermons.
(God sighing) I couldn't agree more.
That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me.
I think I'll give him a canker sore.
Give him one for me.
I will.
So I figure I should just try to live right
and worship you in my own way.
Homer, it's a deal.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.
Dad, can I ask you a question?
Sure, honey.
Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Don't worry, sweetheart.
If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed.
Hello, my animal friends.
Peace be with you.
Guys, please, could you give me five minutes?
Reverend Lovejoy
I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.
-What?! -No, it's nothing bad.
I'm just concerned because my husband
hasn't been attending your services lately.
Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing
but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
He appeared before me in a dream
and I knew that was special
'cause I usually dream about naked-- Marge.
(growls)
So, Homer, you saw the big cheese?
What did he look like?
Perfect teeth, nice smell...
a class act all the way.
Homer, you're crazy!
Tell him this is all crazy.
Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26--
The foolish man
who built his house on sand.
And you remember...
Matthew... 21:17.
"And he left them
"and went out of the city into Bethany
and he lodged there"?
Yeah.
Think about it.
Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson.
I won't be coming in tomorrow.
Religious holiday.
The, uh, feast of...
maximum occupancy.
Pretty slick.
You should join my religion, Moe.
It's great.
No hell, no kneeling...
Sorry, Homer.
I was born a snake handler and I'll die a snake handler.
(doorbell rings)
Neighbor, I heard about your heresy
and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.
-No sale. -Homer, Christian life
isn't all praying and sacrifice.
Hey, dig this.
♪ God said to Noah ♪
♪ There's gonna be a floody-floody ♪
(snoring)
(phone rings)
♪ Rain came down ♪
♪ It started to get muddy-muddy ♪
♪ Get those animals ♪
♪ Out on the arky-arky ♪
Leave me alone.
Dad, the heathen's getting away.
I see him, son.
(bell clanging)
(horn blaring)
(yells)
(laughs)
(squeaking)
Where are we going?
Garbage island.
(foghorn blasts)
(fishing reel ticking sound)
(ticking)
Huh?
(screaming)
(cheering)
(laughing)
Let's go, kids.
How come we have to go to church
and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons?
(growls)
I have a responsibility
to raise these children right,
and unless you change
I'll have to tell them their father is...
Well, wicked.
Kids, let me tell you
about another so-called "wicked" guy.
He had long hair and some wild ideas
and he didn't always do
what other people thought was right
and that man's name was...
I forget.
But the point is...
I forget that too.
Marge, you know who I'm talking about.
He used to drive that blue car.
Kids, could you wait outside for us?
Homer, please don't make me choose
between my man and my God because you just can't win.
There you go again.
Always taking someone else's side.
Flanders, the water department, God...
I'm only going to ask you one last time.
Are you sure you won't come with us to church?
MAN (on TV): Coming up next: Make your own ladder.
Very sure.
LOVEJOY: My friends
the devil walks among us.
(gasping)
I got him!
No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail.
Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form
pleasing to the eye.
Oh-h-h.
An interview with Lorne Michaels.
Oh-h-h-h.
Wait, that's no good.
Hey, now we're talking.
"Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D.
as 'love springs internal.'"
(laughs)
I don't get it.
(doorbell rings)
Hello. I'm collecting
for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.
Last year tornados claimed the lives
of 75 Jewish clowns.
The worst incident
was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere.
It was terrible. (sobbing)
Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
A religious clown thing, yes.
-Sorry. -Well, bless you any--
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.
Apu, I see you're not in church.
Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha
the god of worldly wisdom, located in the employee lounge.
Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?
Please do not offer my god a peanut.
No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions
you must have been out taking a whiz.
Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases
and get out, and come again.
Pride goeth before destruction.
Boy...
everyone is stupid except me.
(snoring)
(explosion)
Marge, turn down the heat.
That's better.
(snoring)
(sniffing)
(growling)
Ah! Fire!
What do I do?! What do I do?!
(coughing)
Oh, the song, the song.
♪ When a fire starts to burn ♪
♪ There's a lesson you must learn ♪
♪ Something, something, then you'll see ♪
♪ You'll avoid catastrophe ♪
D'oh!
(coughing)
(Apu gasps)
Fire at the old Simpson place!
You're on your honor not to steal anything.
Oh, we won't.
Little Jumpshid,
the store is in your hands.
How I have waited for this day.
(siren wailing)
(quacking)
You ducks are really trying my patience!
But you're so cute.
Homer! Homer!
No!
Dear Lord, may your loving hand
guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.
Okay.
(sirens wailing)
(coughing)
Flanders, you saved me.
Why?
Heck, you would have done the same for me.
Help! Help!
(laughing)
That's right, old friend.
BOTH: Dad!
Oh, Homie, are you all right?
Our magazines and roach traps, gone!
All gone.
(cat yowling)
I saved your cat.
Ow! That hurt.
Hey, what are these axes for?
I don't know. Chopping stuff.
Gotcha!
(grunting)
Some nice chopping.
Truly, this was an act of God.
Hey, wait a minute!
Flanders is a regular Charlie Church
and God didn't save his house.
D'oh!
Any valuables in the house?
Well, the Picasso,
my collection of classic cars...
Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses,
not made-up stuff.
Well, that's just great.
Fire-- man's oldest foe.
Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.
FIREMAN: Hey, it's out.
(cheering)
Coming up next: Which work better--
springy clothespins or the other kind?
You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.
Yes. The lesson is--
No, don't tell me. I'll get it.
Oh, I know.
The Lord is vengeful.
Oh, spiteful one
show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.
Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
No, but he was working in the hearts
of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid,
be they Christian, Jew, or...
miscellaneous.
Hindu. There are 700 million of us.
Aw, that's super.
I was rude to every one of you,
and you saved my life
when you could have just left me to fry
like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
Now, would you give church another try?
I'll be there next Sunday, front row center.
(snoring)
GOD: Don't feel bad, Homer.
Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.
That's game, Hendrix.
God, I got to ask you something.
What's the meaning of life?
Homer, I can't tell you that.
Come on.
You'll find out when you die.
I can't wait that long.
You can't wait six months?
HOMER: No, tell me now.
GOD: Well, okay.
The meaning of life is...
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.