1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,011 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,472 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,894 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,407 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,742 (tires screech) 7 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,995 D'oh! 8 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,289 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:56,222 Stupid junk mail. "You may have already won." 10 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,724 Yeah. Win this. 11 00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,934 "Here's good news for Homer Simpsoy..." 12 00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,936 (scoffs) I'll see that he gets it. 13 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,563 How dumb do they think I am? 14 00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,607 Huh?! A check? 15 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:06,733 (gasps) 16 00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,860 One million dollars. 17 00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:10,111 I'm rich! 18 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,238 (shuddering) 19 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,411 Mr. Simpson, I can assure you. 20 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,412 This check of yours is non-negotiable. 21 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,747 Oh, yeah? 22 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:23,041 Well, what makes you so damn sure? 23 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,085 You see where it says "Void, void, void," 24 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:26,628 and "This is not a check. 25 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,880 Cash value 1/20th of a cent. Mr. Banker, do not honor." 26 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,381 Shut up. 27 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:34,302 I had a feeling it was too good to be true. 28 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,054 Every time you get $1 million 29 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,764 something queers the deal. 30 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:40,100 I don't think real checks have exclamation points. 31 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,811 Well, at least we got a free sample of "Reading Digest." 32 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,938 Marge, I never read a magazine in my life 33 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,273 and I'm not gonna start now. 34 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,775 Hey, a cartoon! 35 00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:49,943 (Homer reading) 36 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,489 (laughs) Ain't it the truth? 37 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,865 No, it's not the truth, Homer. 38 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,742 It's well-documented 39 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,869 that women are safer drivers than men. 40 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,580 Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. 41 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,998 They're just stupid drawings 42 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,250 that give you a cheap laugh. 43 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,087 Hey Einstein, 44 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:10,839 put down your reading, it's lunch time. 45 00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,841 -Nah, you go ahead. -You don't wanna eat? 46 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,509 What did you do? Get one of them stomach staples? 47 00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,970 As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, 48 00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:18,555 "Give me learning, sir, 49 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,598 and you may keep your black bread." 50 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:21,808 Who is that bookworm, Smithers? 51 00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:23,017 Homer Simpson, sir. 52 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,728 Simpson, eh? How very strange. 53 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:29,107 His job description clearly specifies an illiterate. 54 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,693 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro 55 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,945 in "Preacher With a Shovel." 56 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,321 MAN: But irrigation can save your people, 57 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,698 Chief Smiling Bear. 58 00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:39,492 Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box. 59 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,244 God forbid they would ever read something 60 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,745 and improve their minds. 61 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,707 You've certainly taken a shine to that magazine. 62 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,584 It's not just one magazine, Marge, 63 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,587 they take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap 64 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,755 and leave you with something 65 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,508 that fits right in your front pocket. 66 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,051 (grunting) 67 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,347 Those kids don't know what they're missing. 68 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:03,975 Dad! 69 00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:05,643 Hey, what gives, man? 70 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,228 We're all gonna sit down as a family 71 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,982 and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival. 72 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:13,026 "Then I heard the sound 73 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,695 "that all arctic explorers dread-- 74 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,364 the pitiless bark of the sea lion." 75 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,158 He'll be killed! 76 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:24,078 Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. 77 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,122 Don't be so-- 78 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,707 Oh, you're right. 79 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,005 Homie, put down 80 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,590 your magazine for a minute. 81 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,008 Huh? 82 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,885 Mmm, I thought you might want to snuggle. 83 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,803 That reminds me. 84 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:44,057 "Seven Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage." 85 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,560 (clearing throat) Marge, "You have a nice body 86 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,521 "and if you'd like to see me in a costume, 87 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:51,981 you have only to ask." 88 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,524 Thank you, Homie. 89 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,778 Wow! Little meat loaf men! 90 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,198 Where did you get the idea for this, Mom? 91 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,658 Where do you think? 92 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,618 This baby never steers you wrong, 93 00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:04,953 and it was free. Free! 94 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,829 It certainly has enriched our lives. 95 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,039 Wow. 96 00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:10,750 "Win a trip to Washington, D.C. 97 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,210 "All expenses paid. 98 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:13,836 V.I.P. Tour." 99 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,630 Oh, it's for kids. 100 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,006 Wait, Dad! 101 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,383 Hmm... 102 00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,093 an essay contest. 103 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:22,679 Children under 12, 300 words... 104 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,097 fiercely pro-American. 105 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,848 Sounds interesting. 106 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,601 Bart, maybe this is something you'd like to do too. 107 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,228 Mom, it's a nice thought 108 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,106 but we both know that this is the pony to bet on. 109 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:39,529 What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? 110 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,198 He'd say, uh... 111 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,616 think of a better opening. 112 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,951 How's it going, honey? 113 00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,244 Not very well. 114 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,121 Well, when I used to get stuck like this, 115 00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:49,497 I'd go for a bike ride. 116 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,541 Do kids go on bike rides anymore? 117 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,792 Yes! 118 00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,043 I don't know. I thought maybe bikes 119 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,421 weren't cool anymore. 120 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,382 Do kids still use that word? "Cool?" 121 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,550 Yes, Mom! 122 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,936 Okay, America, inspire me. 123 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,941 Wow, a bald eagle. 124 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,280 Hmm... 125 00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:24,824 Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad. 126 00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,075 Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do 127 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,660 for that magazine. 128 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,414 "So burn the flag if you must, but before you do, 129 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,624 "you better burn a few other things. 130 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,002 "You better burn your shirt and your pants. 131 00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254 "Be sure to burn your TV and car. 132 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,090 "Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house 133 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,467 "because none of those things 134 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,345 "could exist without six white stripes 135 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:48,848 seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars." 136 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,433 -(cheering, applause) -Thank you very much. 137 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,559 Yeah! Damn right! 138 00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:52,560 (cheering) 139 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,107 "Recipe for a free country: 140 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,194 "Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. 141 00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:02,695 "Add one informed electorate. 142 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,697 Baste well with veto power." 143 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,076 "My back is spineless. 144 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,119 "My belly is yellow. 145 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,538 I am the American nonvoter." 146 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,626 "Stir in two cups of checks, 147 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,836 sprinkle liberally with balances." 148 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,131 "Ding, dong. 149 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175 "The sounds of the Liberty Bell. 150 00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:25,468 "Ding-- freedom. 151 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,261 "Dong-- opportunity. 152 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,138 "Ding-- excellent schools. 153 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,723 Dong-- quality hospitals." 154 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,686 "When America was born on that hot July day in 1776, 155 00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,523 "the trees in Springfield forest 156 00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:40,650 "were tiny saplings trembling towards the sun. 157 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,403 "And as they were nourished by mother Earth, 158 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:46,072 "so too did our fledgling nation find strength 159 00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:49,033 "in the simple ideals of equality and justice. 160 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,202 "Who would have thought such mighty oaks 161 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,496 "or such a powerful nation could grow 162 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,666 out of something so fragile, so pure." 163 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,126 (voice cracking) Thank you. 164 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,628 (applause) 165 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,213 What do you think? 166 00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,632 It's good. A little too good for an eight-year-old. 167 00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:06,050 Methinks I detect 168 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,636 the sickly scent of the daddy. 169 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,888 Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you 170 00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,057 a few questions about your daughter's essay. 171 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,809 Lisa, will you excuse us? 172 00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,227 Okay. 173 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,603 "We the purple"? 174 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,188 What the hell was that? 175 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,481 Are you a professional writer? 176 00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:21,983 Mm-mm. 177 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,818 Are you interested in politics or government? 178 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,820 Mmm-mm. 179 00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:27,780 Are you interested in anything? 180 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,699 Mmm-mm. 181 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,242 Could you touch your nose for me? 182 00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:32,743 -Mm. Mm. -Hmm. 183 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,623 Lisa, after meeting your father, 184 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,877 I've decided to award you an additional five points. 185 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,172 Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington. 186 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,674 Whoo-hoo! Who would have guessed 187 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,801 reading and writing would pay off? 188 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:56,976 (bell dinging) 189 00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,644 Yes, sir, can I get you something? 190 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,980 Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, 191 00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,815 sewing kit, pilot's wing pin, 192 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,151 propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, 193 00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,944 and anything else I've got coming to me. 194 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,112 I'll see what I can do. 195 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,989 Hm... hmph. 196 00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:11,324 (laughing) 197 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:12,783 -Hmph. -(laughing) 198 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,494 Steward! 199 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,413 Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit. 200 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,207 Ooh-ooh, baby! 201 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,752 And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. 202 00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,129 Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? 203 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,881 No, thank you, I'd rather push this button. 204 00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,132 No! 205 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,178 (screams) We're all gonna die! 206 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:35,515 (all screaming) 207 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:40,186 Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. 208 00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,270 Taxi! 209 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,691 Ooh, look, Homer, the I.R.S. 210 00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,443 Boo! 211 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,445 Oh, boo yourself. 212 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,489 MARGE: Here we are, kids. 213 00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:52,990 The Watergate! 214 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,330 (humming) 215 00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:00,706 (soft chuckle) 216 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,085 Hey! 217 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,586 (laughing) 218 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,547 MARGE: Homer, look! 219 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,008 They give you a shower cap and body gel 220 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,677 and bathrobes. 221 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,513 And a welcoming mint on your pillow. 222 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,640 Wow, a shoe horn. 223 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,308 Just like in the movies. 224 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,813 Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. 225 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,107 Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. 226 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,650 Hey, I call first bedsies. 227 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,069 Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. 228 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,612 You just made that up. 229 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,781 Well, okay, which one do you want? 230 00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:36,075 I... want... 231 00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,076 that one. 232 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,287 Really? You want that one? 233 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:40,997 It's all yours. Whatever you say. 234 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,540 Why? What's wrong with it? 235 00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:43,708 Nothing. 236 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,126 Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. 237 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,252 -No really. What? -Nothing. 238 00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,254 -What did you do to it? -Nothing. 239 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,339 Mom! 240 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,799 (phone ringing) 241 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,303 D'oh! Stupid welcoming mint! 242 00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,013 Hello? 243 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,557 BART: Good morning, this is your wake-up call. 244 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,059 Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m. 245 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,437 Sorry, fatso. 246 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,148 (laughing) 247 00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,524 HOMER: Free food? 248 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,153 Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, 249 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,197 Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest. 250 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,407 Ooh, I love your magazine. 251 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,200 My favorite section is 252 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,411 "How to Increase Your Word Power." 253 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,956 That things is really, really, really... good. 254 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,583 Well good. 255 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,586 Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists. 256 00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,920 This is Trong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez. 257 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,547 -Hello. -Hello. 258 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,633 FAITH: Maria is the National Spelling Bee Champion. 259 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,010 and Trong has won both 260 00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:37,553 the Westinghouse Talent Search, 261 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,598 and the N.F.L. Punt, Pass and Kick Competition. 262 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:43,225 Have either of you ever run into any problems 263 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,602 because of your superior ability? 264 00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,187 -Mmm... -Sure, I guess. 265 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,147 Oh, me too. 266 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,734 These are special V.I.P. badges. 267 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,736 They'll get you into places other tourists never see. 268 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,613 Miss, what does the "I" stand for? 269 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,615 Important. 270 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,450 Ooh... How about the "V"? 271 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,701 Very. 272 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,620 Oh... and miss? Just one more question. 273 00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:05,164 -Person. -Ahh.... 274 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,499 What does the "I" stand for again? 275 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:07,500 Oh! 276 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:15,424 "On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games." 277 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,301 Yeah, right. 278 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:20,930 Wow, the President's bathroom. 279 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,143 (gasps) Do you mind? 280 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,145 Barbara Bush! 281 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,398 Oh, you have those damn badges. 282 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:31,857 Okay. 283 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:35,027 This tub was installed in 1894... 284 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:39,115 Mmm... money. 285 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,742 Ahhh. 286 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,786 Hey, watch it, Chief. 287 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:47,540 Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. 288 00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:49,667 Oh, and in case you were wondering, 289 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,919 no, we don't give out free samples. 290 00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,963 (laughing) 291 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:55,673 Lousy, cheap country. 292 00:11:57,758 --> 00:12:01,887 (imitating a machine gun) 293 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,349 Bart, get out of the Spirit of St. Louis! 294 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,268 (imitating airplane engine) 295 00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,978 (chuckling) 296 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,105 Hey, what's so funny? 297 00:12:11,188 --> 00:12:12,982 (whispers) 298 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,692 Oh, Marge, grow up! 299 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:19,947 MAN: Congressman, this is Springfield National Forest. 300 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:22,241 Now, basically, what we want to do is cut her down. 301 00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,618 -Uh-huh. -As you can see in our artist's rendition, 302 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,872 it's full of old growth, just aging and festering away. 303 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,709 In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter. 304 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,461 It's all part of nature's, you know, cycle. 305 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,963 Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist 306 00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:38,007 and I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would, 307 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,885 but, uh, this isn't like burying toxic waste. 308 00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,304 People are gonna notice those trees are gone. 309 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,891 Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. 310 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:50,102 I-- I never quite know how to put this. 311 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,229 I just want to-- 312 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,355 Offer me a bribe? 313 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,693 -(laughing) -(intercom buzzing) 314 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,445 (sighs) What is it? 315 00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,447 WOMAN: It's that little girl from Springfield 316 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:03,407 who wrote the essay. Could be a good photo-op. 317 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,117 Uh, sure, fine. 318 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,702 So where do we-- 319 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,579 Not here. I've got a little place that I use 320 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,706 for these, uh... matters. 321 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,166 Call me tonight. 322 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:14,919 Well, hi there. You must be Lisa Simpson. 323 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,128 Hello, sir. 324 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,214 Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows? 325 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,133 Maybe someday you'll be a congressman or a senator. 326 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,968 We have quite a few women senators, you know. 327 00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,678 Only two. I checked. 328 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,639 (chuckling) You're a sharp one. 329 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,557 Well, how about a few pictures? 330 00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:33,646 Tot shot always plays in the sticks. 331 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,524 Oh, isn't that nice? 332 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,151 Now there is a politician who cares. 333 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,195 If I ever vote, it will be for him. 334 00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,238 (burping) 335 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,452 Mom? 336 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,956 (groans) Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. 337 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,541 I'm too excited to sleep. 338 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,751 Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? 339 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,211 Who's that? 340 00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,963 An early crusader for women's rights. 341 00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,882 She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910. 342 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,968 Later she appeared on the highly unpopular 343 00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,052 75-cent piece. 344 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:06,595 (groans) 345 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,265 Okay, but you don't know what you're missing. 346 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894 Oh. 347 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,399 "I will iron your sheets when you iron out 348 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,276 the inequities in your labor laws." 349 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:21,610 Amen, sister. 350 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,613 I told you no one ever came here. 351 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,826 (chuckles) So Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? 352 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,662 Do I get my logging permit? 353 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,622 Let me put it this way, Jerry. 354 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,666 Timber! 355 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,334 (both laughing) 356 00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,630 Whoo! What a pooch. 357 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,048 Woof-woof! 358 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,051 (sobbing) 359 00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,523 How could I read my essay now? 360 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,483 I don't believe my own words. 361 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,114 LISA: Honest Abe-- 362 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,365 he'll show me the way. 363 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,289 Mr. Lincoln-- 364 00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,874 MAN: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. 365 00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:19,084 What can I do to make this a better country? 366 00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,711 Is this a good time to buy a house? 367 00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:22,463 I can't get my boy to brush properly. 368 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,006 Would I look good with a moustache? 369 00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:28,302 I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse. 370 00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:30,888 (indistinct chatter) 371 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,306 (shouting) Mr. Lincoln 372 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,226 My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem! 373 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,482 Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson 374 00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,442 and I have a problem. 375 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,777 I know your problem. 376 00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,695 The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. 377 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,280 Sorry, sir, it's just-- 378 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,074 No one ever comes to see me. 379 00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,283 I don't blame them. 380 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,910 I never did anything important-- 381 00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,703 just The Declaration of Independence, 382 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,289 the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter-- 383 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,708 Uh, maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time. 384 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,751 Wait! 385 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,169 Please don't go. 386 00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,254 I get so lonely. 387 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,967 (indistinct chatter) 388 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,223 (laughing) 389 00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:27,319 The truth must be told. 390 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,075 (Bart moaning) 391 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,871 Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. 392 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:38,998 Your laundry, sir. 393 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:41,792 There you go. 394 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,043 Buy yourself something nice. 395 00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,253 Thank you! 396 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,879 Bart, are you ready to go to-- 397 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:46,922 (screams) 398 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,424 I'll room service you! 399 00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,591 Before you kill me, remember, this trip 400 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,510 is all expenses paid. 401 00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,222 (both chuckling) 402 00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:57,016 ♪ The deficit rag ♪ 403 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,018 ♪ Oh, yeah, the deficit rag ♪ 404 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,562 ♪ Those budget gaps can be a 12-digit drag ♪ 405 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:02,646 ♪ I'm telling you ♪ 406 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,231 ♪ That's the deficit ♪ 407 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,025 ♪ They really made a mess of it ♪ 408 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,818 ♪ That's the deficit rag ♪ 409 00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,361 Thank you! 410 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,238 Oh, this guy is awful. 411 00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:12,406 I know, honey, but just sit still. 412 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:17,578 Welcome, everyone, to the awards luncheon. 413 00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:20,205 I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges 414 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,666 who will select our scholarship winner. 415 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:26,003 Former Redskins great, Alonzo Flowers, 416 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:29,006 perennial third party candidate, Wilson DeFarge, 417 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,258 senate page Brad Fletcher, 418 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,094 skin care consultant Rowena, 419 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:37,389 and wealthy gadabout Chilton Gaines. 420 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,851 Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson. 421 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,311 Lisa? 422 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,229 Lisa? 423 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,649 (audience gasping) 424 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,026 Oh, there she is. 425 00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,987 Lisa Simpson will now read her essay... 426 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,032 I would like to read a different essay, if I may? 427 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,242 Um... okay. 428 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,080 The city of Washington was built 429 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:04,083 on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago, 430 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,835 and very little has changed. 431 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,713 It stank then and it stinks now. 432 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,841 Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption 433 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,635 that hangs in the air. 434 00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,637 Cool! A ruckus. 435 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,055 Hmm! 436 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:20,641 LISA: ...and who did I see 437 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,142 taking a bribe 438 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561 but the "honorable" Bob Arnold. 439 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:25,687 (gasping) 440 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,231 But don't worry, Congressman. 441 00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,900 I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need 442 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,401 with your dirty money 443 00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:35,239 and this will be one nation under the dollar 444 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,659 with liberty and justice for none. 445 00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,577 (audience booing) 446 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:41,787 (gasping) 447 00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,833 Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. 448 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,709 Please, son, I'm very busy. 449 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,712 A little girl is losing faith in democracy. 450 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:51,713 Good Lord! 451 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,804 Congressman, we want to drill for oil 452 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,514 in Teddy Roosevelt's head. 453 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,349 Well... 454 00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,059 Teddy who? 455 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,645 (laughing) Congressman... 456 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:08,564 you're under arrest. 457 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,277 You work fast. 458 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,112 I work for Uncle Sam. 459 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:21,785 We will now vote on the House Bill 1022-- 460 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:23,996 The expulsion of Bob Arnold. 461 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,331 Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but... 462 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,168 shouldn't we tack on a pay raise for ourselves? 463 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,294 ALL: No! 464 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,342 Okay, this should make my bosses very happy. 465 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,385 Your bosses? 466 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:42,264 Yep. All 250 million of them. 467 00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,020 When my family arrived in this country four months ago 468 00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:51,064 we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. 469 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:55,068 Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers. 470 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,155 Where else but in America-- or possibly Canada-- 471 00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:00,657 could our family find such opportunity? 472 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:04,161 That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes, 473 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:08,332 I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word, "flag." 474 00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,625 (cheering) 475 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,126 There will be a brief recess 476 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,712 while the judges tabulate their votes. 477 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,673 Lisa, what's gotten into you? 478 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,176 Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd pleasing. 479 00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,969 I'm sorry, Dad. 480 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,014 I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks. 481 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:27,309 Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten rep! 482 00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,186 Give me one of those. 483 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:31,188 MARGE: "Imprisoned congressman 484 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,315 becomes born-again Christian." 485 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,524 I can't believe it. 486 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,194 The system works. 487 00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:38,820 ♪ The trading gap shuffle ♪ 488 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,822 ♪ We're in a heap of trouble ♪ 489 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,033 ♪ Doing the trading gap shuffle, yes, sir ♪ 490 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,409 He already sang this song. 491 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,578 No, that was about the budget gap. 492 00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,205 This is the trading gap. 493 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,915 (applause) 494 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,042 And now the moment of truth. 495 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:53,585 Will the winning essay be 496 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:56,630 "Bubble On, Oh, Melting Pot," 497 00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:59,633 "Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady," 498 00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:02,886 "U.S.A. A-Okay," 499 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:05,389 or "Cesspool on the Potomac"? 500 00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:06,640 Cesspool! Cesspool! 501 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,433 Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! 502 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,811 And now the winner is... 503 00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,396 "U.S.A. A-Okay" 504 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,231 by Trong Van Dinh. 505 00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:15,190 D'oh! 506 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,029 Miss Crowley, thank you 507 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,990 for this oversized novelty check. 508 00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:25,284 I would like to share this honor 509 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,327 with all of my fellow essayists, 510 00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,246 particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson 511 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:31,290 whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us 512 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,835 that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. 513 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:35,919 Give her the check! 514 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,005 (laughing) 515 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:40,090 I was serious. 516 00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:42,801 ♪ Say, let me tell you about Lisa S. ♪ 517 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:46,638 ♪ She's that little 8-year-old muckrakeress ♪ 518 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,223 ♪ She caught a crook and really made him pay ♪ 519 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,183 ♪ She did it all in just one day ♪ 520 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,145 ♪ That's what I would call being on the ball! ♪ 521 00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:54,187 SINGER: Ow! 522 00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,689 Bart! 523 00:21:55,772 --> 00:21:58,859 Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in. 524 00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,615 ♪♪ 525 00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:49,868 Shh! 526 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:56,124 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.