1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:05,922 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:17,100 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:20,020 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,905 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,334 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:48,089 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:55,221 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,516 --> 00:00:59,976 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,187 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,356 Ahh! 12 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,776 -Aah! -(tires screech) 13 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,626 ♪♪ 14 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:34,469 Gah! 15 00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:36,179 (barking) 16 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,271 Uh-oh. 17 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,190 I, uh, I think the boy's hurt. 18 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,900 Oh, for crying out loud. 19 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,111 Just give him a nickel, and let's get going. 20 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,571 -(horn honks) -I think we should call an ambulance, sir. 21 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:56,282 (muttering) 22 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,120 Hey, cool. 23 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:02,664 I'm dead. 24 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,630 MAN: Please hold on to the handrail. 25 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:13,049 Do not spit over the side. 26 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,844 Por favor, aguantese en la baranda. 27 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,303 No escupa... 28 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,598 Aunt Hortense... Great Grampa Simpson. 29 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:22,142 Please hold on to the handrail. 30 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:25,395 -Snowball. -Do not spit over the side. 31 00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:33,653 -Aah! -We told you to hold on to the handrail. 32 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:36,739 We asked you not to spit over the side. 33 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,958 Howdy, stranger. 34 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:49,586 I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? 35 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:52,046 Please allow me to introduce myself. 36 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,007 I'm the devil. 37 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:56,176 (evil laugh) And you've earned eternal damnation 38 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,012 for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. 39 00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:00,180 Spitting off the escalator just clinched it. 40 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,848 Hey, I'm innocent, man. 41 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,976 (laughing) 42 00:03:05,059 --> 00:03:06,227 Innocent, huh? 43 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,146 Everybody's innocent. 44 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,439 Okay. 45 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:13,109 Let's just pull up your file here. 46 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,945 Hmm. Seems to be a mistake. 47 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,530 According to this, you're not due to arrive here 48 00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,115 until the next time the Yankees win the pennant. 49 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,575 That's nearly a century from now. 50 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,285 (chuckles) Boy, is my face red. 51 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,954 Bart? Bart? 52 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,373 Um, say, is there anything I can do 53 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,666 to avoid coming back here? 54 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,794 Oh, sure, yeah, but you wouldn't like it. 55 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,046 Okay. See you later, then. 56 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,172 Good-bye, Bart. 57 00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:36,591 Remember... lie, cheat, steal 58 00:03:36,674 --> 00:03:37,842 and listen to heavy metal music. 59 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:40,803 Yes, sir. 60 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:49,896 Intercom: Doctor Warner, you're wanted in radiology, please. 61 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:53,608 -He's awake! -Oh, Bart, we thought for a minute 62 00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,110 -you'd gone away from us. -I did go away, Mom. 63 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,404 I was miles and miles and miles away, 64 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:01,282 writhing in agony in the pits of hell, 65 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,159 and you were there. 66 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,745 And you and you and you... 67 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,747 You I've never seen before. 68 00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:10,875 Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance. 69 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:14,087 Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. 70 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,673 Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. 71 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:17,882 Ooh, classy. 72 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,343 I'd like to talk to you about bringing legal action 73 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,054 against the fiend who did this to your boy. 74 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:27,141 Well, the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. 75 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,435 And besides, the doctor says 76 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:32,063 it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe. Nothing serious. 77 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:34,649 Doctors. Doctors are idiots. 78 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,610 There's no telling what kind of permanent injuries he might have. 79 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,237 You might have to wait on him hand and foot 80 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,823 for the rest of his natural life. 81 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,241 That's the downside. 82 00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:45,910 Now here's the good part. You can ching, ching, ching, 83 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,496 -cash in on this tragedy. -Wow. 84 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:51,249 Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster? 85 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:54,127 How does a nice little girl like you, know a big word like that? 86 00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,129 Mr. Hutz, this is hardly the time or place 87 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,006 to discuss this. 88 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,383 You're right, you're right. When you feel up to it 89 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:02,844 come over to my office and we'll talk about it. 90 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,345 Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. 91 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,473 What's that, a broken neck? Great! 92 00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:10,059 -Hello, Dr. Hibbert. -Hello, Lisa. 93 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,228 Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we? 94 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,939 -Ow! Quit it. -And a little tiny broken toe. 95 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:16,482 Ow. quit it. 96 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,819 Is he well enough for me to mother him unbearably, Doctor? 97 00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,865 Mmm, better let him rest up a while first. 98 00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:26,117 Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy. 99 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,120 Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, 100 00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:33,166 I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and... 101 00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:35,168 -Simpson. -(screams, chokes) 102 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,711 Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now. 103 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:37,628 Uh-oh. 104 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,301 Ah, Simpson, at last we meet. 105 00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:45,511 Nice to meet you too, sir. 106 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,472 Yes. My attorneys have advised me 107 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,474 to pay you for running over your child, 108 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:53,227 -so I'm cutting you a check. -Really? Great. 109 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,857 (straining) 110 00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:03,154 $100. Of course, you'll have to sign a waiver 111 00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:05,948 relinquishing your right to sue and so forth. Merely a formality. 112 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,867 A hundred bucks? 113 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:12,163 It's a very generous offer, sir, but medical bills alone-- 114 00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:15,625 Oh, so extortion is the name of your little game, is it Simpson? 115 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,211 Very well. Then you get nothing. 116 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,671 I have the finest lawyers in Springfield, Simpson. 117 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:24,634 Tangle with me, and I'll crush you like a paper cup. 118 00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:27,053 (straining) 119 00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:30,723 Throw him out, Smithers. 120 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,725 You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. 121 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,811 I can throw myself out. 122 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,190 (door slams) 123 00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:41,901 Ooh... Lionel Hutz. 124 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,074 Right in here, Mr. Simpson. 125 00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,200 Any calls, Della? 126 00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:51,160 Calls? Oh, calls. 127 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,746 Yes, uh, the Supreme Court called again. 128 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,374 They need your help on some freedom thing. 129 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:58,376 Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them. 130 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:00,128 This way, Mr. Simpson. 131 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:04,924 You sure have got some education, Mr. Hutz. 132 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,426 Yes, Harvard, Yale, 133 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,594 M.I.T., Oxford, The Sorbonne, The Louvre... 134 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:12,557 -(siren begins wailing) -Oh. Oh, well. 135 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,601 Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me 136 00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,895 from promising you a big cash settlement, 137 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,314 but just between you and me, 138 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:24,360 I promise you a big cash settlement. 139 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,528 My fee is 50%. 140 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:26,904 50%? 141 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,198 You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. 142 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,992 You'll also be getting 143 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:34,454 this exquisite fauxpearl necklace-- a $99 value-- 144 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,830 as our gift to you. 145 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,250 Well, I don't know. 146 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,461 You and I might have different ideas 147 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:44,505 about just how big a big cash settlement is. 148 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:46,132 A million dollars? 149 00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,509 Whoo-hoo! Oh! I stand corrected. 150 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,220 A million bucks is a-okay. 151 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,565 (wolf whistle) 152 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:06,652 Now we'll get a real doctor's opinion. 153 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,780 -Bad news. -Oh? 154 00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:12,283 Your son is a very sick boy. 155 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,577 Just look at the x-rays. 156 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,787 You see that dark spot there? 157 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,331 Whiplash. 158 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:19,957 Whiplash? Oh, no. 159 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,127 And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? 160 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:26,005 No, that's trauma. 161 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:28,716 -Mmm. -Am I gonna die? 162 00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:32,220 -Yes, son. -Homer! 163 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:35,139 No, of course you're not going to die. 164 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,225 Everything's fine. 165 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:39,352 Will I ever play baseball again? 166 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,561 No! 167 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,063 (sobbing) 168 00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:44,232 But I played baseball this morning. 169 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,733 That's right, he did. 170 00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:48,152 Excuse me, but Dr. Hibbert has been 171 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,820 our family physician for years 172 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,322 and he thought Bart was fine. 173 00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:53,491 Oh, Dr. Hibbert 174 00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:55,868 (sarcastically) from Johns Hopkins Medical School. 175 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,996 With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor. 176 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,165 The boy's not a doctor. I'm not a doctor. 177 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:04,835 The only person in this room who even comes close is this man. 178 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,213 Stop, you're embarrassing me. 179 00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:10,675 Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma 180 00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,176 in the facial area? 181 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,595 Oh, yeah, tons of it. 182 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,764 Just say when. 183 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:21,852 A million dollars? Smithers! I want this Homer J. Simpson fired. 184 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,438 Uh, do you think that's wise, Mr. Burns? 185 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,232 I mean, think of the headlines. 186 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,485 BURNS: Hmm? 187 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:31,904 Hmm? 188 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,699 Ooh. 189 00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:36,659 What about the headlines? 190 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:38,911 Well, the press might be critical of you 191 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,248 for firing the crippled boy's father so soon after the accident. 192 00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:43,874 Well, all right then. 193 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:46,252 I don't want to seem like an ogre. 194 00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,921 I'll bide my time. 195 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:52,842 Let him twist in the wind slowly, slowly. 196 00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:57,138 And then, when the papers have found their new flavor of the month, 197 00:09:57,221 --> 00:09:59,432 they'll find out this cat has claws! 198 00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:01,559 Good thinking, sir. 199 00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:05,605 Now let's pretend you're on the witness stand. 200 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,190 -How are you, Bart? -Fine. 201 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,318 (pleasantly) Oh fine, isn't that nice? Bart says he's fine. 202 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:13,404 Wrong! You are not fine! You're in constant pain! 203 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,781 I am in constant pain. 204 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,159 Dad, may I please make an observation? 205 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,995 -What is it? -I think this is all a charade 206 00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,497 to make Bart look more injured than he really is. 207 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,416 Maybe Lisa does have a point. 208 00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:28,127 I don't mind you boys doing this in the living room, 209 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,421 but in court, doesn't Bart have to tell the truth? 210 00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:33,424 Yeah, but what is truth, if you follow me? 211 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:37,094 Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this? 212 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,890 Oh, you mean like I'm dead? Yeah, sure. 213 00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,892 The kid's a pro. 214 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,062 Springfield Municipal Court is now in session, 215 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,314 Judge Multon presiding. 216 00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:51,108 Your Honor, my client has instructed me 217 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:53,361 to remind the court how rich and important he is, 218 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,154 that he is not like other men. 219 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,907 I should be able to run over as many kids as I want! 220 00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,117 (gasping) 221 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,080 Mr. Burns, I must warn you 222 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,332 that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, 223 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,584 I will have to cite you for contempt. 224 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,419 You wouldn't dare. 225 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,630 Well, no, I guess I wouldn't. 226 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:16,175 Calling Bartholomew J. Simpson to the stand. 227 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:19,470 (crowd groans) 228 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,971 Oh, please. 229 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,348 Hello, Bart. 230 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:24,642 Now you know the difference 231 00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:27,895 between telling the truth and telling a lie, 232 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:29,021 don't you, son? 233 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,232 -Maybe. -Uh-huh. 234 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:34,068 Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, 235 00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,362 would you, Bart? 236 00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:37,446 -No. -No. 237 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,115 -No. -Good. 238 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,742 -Proceed, Mr. Hutz. -Thank you, Your Honor. 239 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,203 Now, Bart, I want you to tell the jury, 240 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,913 in your own words, 241 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,124 exactly what happened on the day of the accident. 242 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,542 Yes, sir. 243 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:52,461 It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. 244 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,672 I was playing in my wholesome, childlike way, 245 00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:57,383 little realizing that I was about to be struck down 246 00:11:57,466 --> 00:12:00,094 by the luxury car of death. 247 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,098 (children screaming) 248 00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,058 Defenseless child at 3:00. 249 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:09,061 (evil laughter) 250 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,609 Luckily, I was not killed that day, 251 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:19,655 although sometimes, I wish I had been. 252 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,242 Oh, he's lying. 253 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:28,164 Now that's believable testimony. 254 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,791 -Hmm. -Hmm. 255 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,211 Now, Mr. Burns, would you please relate in your own words 256 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:38,549 exactly what really happened on the day of the accident? 257 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:41,552 Certainly. Oh, it was a beautiful day. 258 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:45,931 The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys. 259 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,768 Suddenly, that incorrigible Simpson boy 260 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,604 -darted in front of me. -(Burns stammering) 261 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,355 (laughing) 262 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,275 Ahh! 263 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,986 Oh, my goodness. Look what's happened. 264 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,113 Oh, it's not important, sir. Let's drive on. 265 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,908 Why, you despicable, cold-blooded monster. 266 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:08,037 Regardless of what you think, we will summon help and comfort the dear boy 267 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,705 until an ambulance arrives. 268 00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,001 No! 269 00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,002 Take me! 270 00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,296 I'm old! 271 00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,006 And that's what happened. 272 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,679 What are you looking at me like that for? 273 00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,473 You believed his cock-and-bull story. 274 00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,350 It's looking good, Mr. Simpson. 275 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,186 It's looking very, very good. 276 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,355 They hate me? 277 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:36,023 What trial were you watching? 278 00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:37,441 Maybe a settlement-- 279 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,360 Oh, yes, settlements, fine. 280 00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:41,737 Hang your heads in shame, 281 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:45,783 you over-priced, under-brained, glorified notary publics! 282 00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,701 BURNS: Just get that big ape to my house tonight, 283 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,454 and we'll buy him off with a banana or two. 284 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,957 ...and that ugly customer 285 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,876 was the last Indonesian rhino on Earth. 286 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,796 Hmm. I didn't know you liked animals. 287 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,631 Oh, I don't like everything about them, 288 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:03,551 -just their heads. -(both snicker) 289 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,178 Wwll, would you care for some wine, old buddy? 290 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:09,557 -Don't mind if I do. -Go, go. 291 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,227 Bottoms up, Simpson. There's plenty more where that came from. 292 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,232 Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk? 293 00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:21,527 Yes. Now then Homer, old chum, 294 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,362 I'm sure you'll agree with me that this trial 295 00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,531 is an affront to our collective dignity. 296 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,826 What do you say we settle this man-to-man? 297 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,496 -You mean duke it out? -Oh, no. 298 00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:34,999 I mean I'm prepared to offer you 299 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,542 a most generous cash settlement. 300 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,670 A princely sum-- 301 00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:43,424 Well, a handsome sum that can end this little imbroglio 302 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,217 once and for all. 303 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:51,432 $500,000. 304 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,309 -Goodness. -Bup-bup-bup! 305 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,102 Don't answer me now. 306 00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:56,770 Relax, talk it over with the missus. 307 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,481 Soak in the opulence of your surroundings, 308 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,775 and dream of what might be. 309 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,777 Smithers, let's go powder my nose. 310 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,822 Well, Marge, what do you think? 311 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,617 Well, I don't know. Maybe we should take his money 312 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,202 and put all this ugliness behind us. 313 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,623 Hmm. The fish is in the pan. 314 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:16,916 MARGE: What do you think, Homer? 315 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,709 I'll tell you what I think. 316 00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:21,337 I think he thinks I'm an idiot! 317 00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,756 The only reason he's offering us this 318 00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:26,675 is because he knows he's gonna lose at trial 319 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,344 and have to pay us a cool million. 320 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,137 Oh! I feel faint. 321 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,306 $500,000! 322 00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:35,517 I spit on his $500,000! 323 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:40,940 -Hmm. -Homer, what's happened to you? 324 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,691 All this greediness and lying 325 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,944 and shifty lawyers and phony doctors... 326 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,029 Phony doctors? Hello. 327 00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,698 Do you know what I'd settle for, if it was up to me? 328 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,659 Bart's medical bills and an apology. 329 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,620 And you won't even get that. Sorry. Offer's expired. 330 00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:57,331 I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide. Twelve good men and true. 331 00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:59,083 Good day. Smithers, release the hounds. 332 00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,960 (snarling, barking) 333 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:05,589 -(gavel bangs) -Your Honor, 334 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:08,342 I would like to call to the stand 335 00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,345 Mrs. Homer J. Simpson. 336 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,264 (gasping, murmuring) 337 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:20,229 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth 338 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:21,897 and nothing but the truth, so help you God? 339 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,317 Mmm... Yes, I do. 340 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,694 She sounded like she was taking that 341 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,196 -awful seriously. -Oh, the truth. 342 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:34,076 Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert 343 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:35,494 mean anything to you? 344 00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:39,832 Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend 345 00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,917 ever since the day I became a mother. 346 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,004 He's seen us through everything, from colds to impetigo, 347 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,922 with competence and loving care. 348 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,134 But wait a minute. I'm confused. 349 00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,886 This court heard expert testimony 350 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,723 from one Dr. Nick Riviera. 351 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,308 -What is your opinion of him? -Mmm. 352 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,644 -Mrs. Simpson? -I'm sorry, 353 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:03,439 but my mother always said if you can't say anything nice, 354 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,606 don't say anything at all. 355 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,025 Will that hold up in court? 356 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,735 No, I've tried it before. 357 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,613 Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion of Dr. Riviera? 358 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,198 And let me remind you that you're under oath. 359 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:16,326 Hmm. Well, to be honest, 360 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,912 he seemed a lot more concerned 361 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,499 about wrapping Bart in bandages than in making him feel better. 362 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:26,754 And he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. 363 00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,089 And his office was dirty. 364 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:32,426 Now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's even a doctor. 365 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,343 D'oh! 366 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,012 And Mrs. Simpson, 367 00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,389 could you describe for us in your own words 368 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:41,518 Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering? 369 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,938 -Well, I don't know how intense it was. -Uh-huh. 370 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:48,567 But, well, I guess he did miss three days of school. 371 00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:50,861 -Oh, three days. -Although he doesn't really like school 372 00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,946 -all that much. -No. 373 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,032 So I guess that may not count as anguish. 374 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,743 -No, it doesn't, Mrs. Simpson. -It was a little hard on me 375 00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:59,661 having him around the house all that time. 376 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:03,874 Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships? 377 00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:07,795 Well, we pay Bart five dollars a week to take out the trash. 378 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:11,173 I suppose if he'd been able to do it that week, 379 00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,258 we might have given him the $5. 380 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,968 Five dollars? 381 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,513 But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer, 382 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,389 is asking for a million. 383 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:23,102 Well, we can't blame them for trying, can we? Heh heh. 384 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,312 Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson. 385 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:27,064 (sobbing) Oh, Marge! 386 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:30,234 (sinister laughing) 387 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:33,153 I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. 388 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,531 It's not quite as large as the last one, 389 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:39,618 -but I think you'll find it fair. -(Smithers chuckles) 390 00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,537 -I think we should take it. -(shuddering) 391 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,455 HOMER (thinking): A million dollars. 392 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:47,126 My wife cost me a million dollars. 393 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,795 Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese? 394 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:52,881 Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman. 395 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,509 -No, thank you. -Some string beans? 396 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,886 No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing back-stabbing... 397 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:58,929 Uh-oh, better answer. 398 00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,389 No, thank you. 399 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,807 Some celery with cream cheese on it? 400 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,559 Just mouth polite nothings. 401 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:04,893 No, thank you. 402 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,812 You know what would have really been cool? 403 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:08,188 If we got that million bucks. 404 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,065 -Bart, please. -What? 405 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,317 We could have bought tons of great stuff, Mom. 406 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,528 Maids, a pool, fancy sweaters-- 407 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:17,156 -Stop me if I'm wrong. -Marge, dear, 408 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,782 would it be alright if I went over to Moe's 409 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,826 -for a drink? -Why, sure. 410 00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,786 HOMER (thinking): I don't know if I'll ever come back here. 411 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,580 Good night. 412 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:27,332 (thinking) Hmm. My woman's intuition is telling me something. 413 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,542 -I wonder what-- -(door closes) 414 00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,294 Oh, my God. 415 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,548 Well, that's it. 416 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,967 I guess this is the glass I'm gonna die in. 417 00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:40,304 Ah, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. 418 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,431 From the day they're born till the day they die, 419 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,893 they think they're happy, but trust me, they ain't. 420 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,145 Moe. I wish he'd shut up. 421 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,981 Hey. Hubba-hubba. 422 00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:52,941 -Yow! -Look, a chick! 423 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,068 And it's not even ladies night. 424 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:57,946 Hey, hey, guys. Knock it off. 425 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,406 HOMER: It's just my wife. 426 00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:00,824 -Well, hello. -Va-va-voom. 427 00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,826 My name is Marge. 428 00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:06,830 Homer, I'd like you to forgive me 429 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,082 for doing the right thing. 430 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,125 Oh, Marge. 431 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:14,213 We've squabbled over money before. Never this much. 432 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,298 I mean, I know this is different than that time 433 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,550 I washed your pants with the 20 in the pocket, but I-- 434 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:22,054 No, no, no. You think this is about money? 435 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,765 Well, it's not. It's worse, Marge. 436 00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:27,976 I'm afraid that from now on, when I look at you, 437 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,687 I'm not gonna see the wife by my side 438 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,439 or the mother of my children. 439 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:36,902 I'm just gonna see the dame who blew my one big chance. 440 00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:40,489 -What are you saying, Homer? -I'm saying... 441 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:42,491 (thinking) She's been your wife for ten years. 442 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,576 You've had three children together. 443 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,786 It's time to be honest with her. 444 00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,080 I'm not sure I love you anymore. 445 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:50,582 -(gasps) -But don't worry. 446 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,335 I'll never let on. I'll still do all the bed stuff. 447 00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:56,088 -Maybe it won't be so bad. -Oh, my Lord! 448 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,966 Well, I don't want to wait another minute to find out 449 00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,218 whether you love me anymore. 450 00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:06,181 I think that you should look me in the eyes and find out. 451 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:10,018 -No. -Homer, look at me. 452 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,980 All right, all right, look at her if it'll shut her up. 453 00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,648 Start with the feet. Still angry. 454 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,483 Good. Good, Homer. Good. 455 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,777 This is tough. Need refreshment. 456 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,654 Ah, good old trustworthy beer. 457 00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:22,739 My love for you will never die. 458 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,533 All right, all right, got to look at the wife 459 00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:28,120 straight in the eyes and tell her... 460 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,626 Oh, who am I kidding? 461 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,295 I love you more than ever. 462 00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:38,046 I love you too. 463 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,757 Sorry to scare you like that, babe. 464 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,384 (crowd cheers) 465 00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:44,261 Okay, everybody. 466 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:48,390 For the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher. 467 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,642 (cheering) 468 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:54,438 MOE: Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. 469 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,023 Hey, no sharing. 470 00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:02,321 ♪♪ 471 00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,467 Shh! 472 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,723 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.