1 00:00:24,994 --> 00:00:26,194 D'oh! 2 00:00:53,947 --> 00:00:57,947 ♪ The Simpsons 25x03 ♪ Four Regrettings and a Funeral Original Air Date on October 6, 2013 3 00:00:57,973 --> 00:01:02,973 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 4 00:01:08,004 --> 00:01:11,506 S-So lonely. 5 00:01:13,676 --> 00:01:16,845 No sex without a ring. 6 00:01:18,881 --> 00:01:20,582 Damn it! 7 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,173 Mm. 8 00:01:45,207 --> 00:01:46,474 What the...?! Hey, whoa! 9 00:01:55,618 --> 00:01:57,385 What about us, man? 10 00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:59,020 Get your own couch. 11 00:02:13,869 --> 00:02:17,806 Poor Chip. Such a big part of everyone's life. 12 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,275 People called him the "sixth Simpson." 13 00:02:20,309 --> 00:02:21,843 I'm not sure why. 14 00:02:21,877 --> 00:02:26,281 Chip did such a wonderful job with my biography. 15 00:02:34,223 --> 00:02:38,660 Chip was the life of Sector 6-F at the nuclear plant, 16 00:02:38,694 --> 00:02:43,264 but Chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets. 17 00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,334 Chip regretted never ascending 18 00:02:46,368 --> 00:02:48,837 Mount Springfield from the south face. 19 00:02:48,871 --> 00:02:52,207 He regretted that the high school long jump record he set 20 00:02:52,241 --> 00:02:53,842 was wind-aided. 21 00:02:53,876 --> 00:02:57,112 He often spoke of that asterisk. 22 00:02:57,146 --> 00:03:01,149 He never broke par on hole 17 at Springfield Mini Golf. 23 00:03:01,183 --> 00:03:03,618 Let us pray. 24 00:03:03,652 --> 00:03:05,353 Eh, everyone has regrets. 25 00:03:05,387 --> 00:03:06,621 Not me. 26 00:03:06,655 --> 00:03:08,890 You? Your marriage is a dead fish 27 00:03:08,924 --> 00:03:11,226 floating in a tank of stale beer. 28 00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:13,862 Your baby's addicted to pacifiers. 29 00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:18,733 And your son is out of control. 30 00:03:19,568 --> 00:03:21,069 Let us kneel. 31 00:03:26,876 --> 00:03:28,843 Ow! My knees! 32 00:03:28,878 --> 00:03:31,579 40 years of healing, gone! 33 00:03:33,382 --> 00:03:35,316 He's such a little dickens. 34 00:03:35,351 --> 00:03:37,819 Although Dickens was pretty well behaved. 35 00:03:37,853 --> 00:03:40,355 He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's DNA 36 00:03:40,389 --> 00:03:42,157 staggered into your womb. 37 00:03:42,191 --> 00:03:43,992 I have no regrets about that. 38 00:03:44,026 --> 00:03:46,094 It was a perfect pregnancy. 39 00:03:46,128 --> 00:03:49,564 Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds. 40 00:03:49,598 --> 00:03:50,832 And every night before bed, 41 00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:52,700 Homer would give me a little kiss... 42 00:03:52,735 --> 00:03:54,169 music! 43 00:03:54,203 --> 00:03:56,671 Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up 44 00:03:56,705 --> 00:03:59,040 by the KISS music? 45 00:03:59,074 --> 00:04:01,743 ♪ Get up! Everybody's gonna move their feet ♪ 46 00:04:01,777 --> 00:04:04,846 ♪ Get down! Everybody's gonna leave their seats ♪ 47 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:08,383 ♪ You got to lose your mind in Detroit Rock City. ♪ 48 00:04:09,552 --> 00:04:10,852 Huh? 49 00:04:10,886 --> 00:04:14,422 Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever. 50 00:04:14,456 --> 00:04:16,758 Well, for some reason it relaxes me. 51 00:04:16,792 --> 00:04:18,860 Now, do that thing Gene Simmons does. 52 00:04:18,894 --> 00:04:21,229 Overstay my welcome for 40 years? 53 00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:28,403 Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few. 54 00:04:28,437 --> 00:04:30,371 Covering a town of backwater rubes 55 00:04:30,406 --> 00:04:32,740 who, for some reason, hate my guts. 56 00:04:32,775 --> 00:04:35,210 This is Kent Brockman... 57 00:04:35,244 --> 00:04:37,768 live at the Springfield Peach Parade. 58 00:04:37,769 --> 00:04:40,950 Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom? 59 00:04:41,317 --> 00:04:42,784 It's a little-known fact 60 00:04:42,818 --> 00:04:45,520 that you can get head lice from peaches. 61 00:04:45,554 --> 00:04:47,555 Uh, this is my daughter Peaches. 62 00:04:47,590 --> 00:04:50,358 We'll have more regrets at 11:00 tonight 63 00:04:50,392 --> 00:04:52,427 following an all-new bottle of scotch. 64 00:04:52,461 --> 00:04:54,295 You have regrets, 65 00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:57,031 Mr. "I Get to See the Weathergirl From the Side"! 66 00:04:57,066 --> 00:05:00,068 I made the worst financial decision of all time. 67 00:05:00,102 --> 00:05:01,803 Oh, I can't think about it. 68 00:05:01,837 --> 00:05:03,404 I won't think about it. 69 00:05:03,439 --> 00:05:05,240 I don't want to think about it! 70 00:05:05,274 --> 00:05:08,676 Oh, I'm thinking about it! 71 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,279 Mm... 72 00:05:12,948 --> 00:05:14,082 Hmm. 73 00:05:14,116 --> 00:05:15,416 Huh? 74 00:05:15,451 --> 00:05:18,253 Oh... that's the coolest bowling ball 75 00:05:18,287 --> 00:05:20,121 I've ever seen. 76 00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:23,224 Hello, Bear Stearns? 77 00:05:23,259 --> 00:05:25,426 I'd like to sell all my Apple stock 78 00:05:25,461 --> 00:05:27,595 so I can buy a fancy bowling ball. 79 00:05:27,630 --> 00:05:30,298 You heard me. Technology is a fad. 80 00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:32,834 Heavy, black balls are the future. 81 00:05:34,036 --> 00:05:36,471 Now let us text on our ubiquitous 82 00:05:36,505 --> 00:05:38,873 Apple tablets and phones. 83 00:05:41,377 --> 00:05:44,712 Oh, you cost me a piece of all that! 84 00:05:45,714 --> 00:05:47,415 Oh, don't cry. 85 00:05:47,449 --> 00:05:49,317 If it makes you feel worse, 86 00:05:49,351 --> 00:05:51,486 I'm the man who bought the stock you sold. 87 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,989 I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all. 88 00:05:55,024 --> 00:05:56,658 Just one. 89 00:05:56,692 --> 00:05:58,493 The girl that got away. 90 00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:00,795 She broke my first heart. 91 00:06:00,829 --> 00:06:04,966 So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets? 92 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,367 I have no regrets. 93 00:06:06,402 --> 00:06:07,635 Really, Mother? 94 00:06:07,670 --> 00:06:10,338 Oh, I didn't see you there. 95 00:06:15,079 --> 00:06:18,270 I'm Father O'Greedy. Dimes for the needy. 96 00:06:19,873 --> 00:06:22,841 Milhouse, are you the bottom half of that mischief? 97 00:06:22,876 --> 00:06:26,378 Uh... uh... uh... 98 00:06:26,413 --> 00:06:28,113 Oh, my. 99 00:06:28,148 --> 00:06:31,850 My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways. 100 00:06:31,885 --> 00:06:33,452 Return those vestments. 101 00:06:33,486 --> 00:06:35,020 Speaking of return on investments, 102 00:06:35,055 --> 00:06:37,323 my Apple stock is up 3,500%. 103 00:06:37,357 --> 00:06:39,725 Aw, you misheard that on purpose! 104 00:06:43,096 --> 00:06:46,465 Tithe denied! Tithe denied! 105 00:06:46,499 --> 00:06:50,970 Mm. Must find way... to blame myself. 106 00:06:52,372 --> 00:06:55,574 Um, it says I should give you lumbar support. 107 00:06:55,608 --> 00:06:57,776 Better go to the lumber yard. 108 00:06:57,811 --> 00:07:00,312 "Lum- bar." It means "lower back." 109 00:07:00,347 --> 00:07:02,748 How many times will you make that mistake? 110 00:07:02,782 --> 00:07:04,850 Just put on the KISS record. 111 00:07:04,884 --> 00:07:07,186 Which one? Anything from Love Gun. 112 00:07:08,521 --> 00:07:11,757 Hey, book, are you expecting this? 113 00:07:11,791 --> 00:07:13,125 And while I'm at it... 114 00:07:13,159 --> 00:07:16,595 Burn, dumb, helpful books. 115 00:07:16,629 --> 00:07:18,630 That is a good fire. 116 00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:24,770 You're going down, Bart! 117 00:07:27,073 --> 00:07:29,274 Ah, reckless youth. He'll be okay. 118 00:07:29,309 --> 00:07:30,876 I was referring to him. 119 00:07:32,212 --> 00:07:35,280 I had a spring in my step like that once. 120 00:07:35,315 --> 00:07:37,716 Back when I met Lilah. 121 00:07:37,751 --> 00:07:41,754 Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement. 122 00:07:43,356 --> 00:07:45,057 Oh, Monty, 123 00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:49,528 looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever. 124 00:07:49,562 --> 00:07:51,497 There's heat. I just don't turn it on. 125 00:07:51,531 --> 00:07:54,800 Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, 126 00:07:54,834 --> 00:07:56,568 there's a question I must pose. 127 00:07:56,603 --> 00:07:57,970 I have something for you. 128 00:07:58,004 --> 00:07:59,972 Oh! Not that. 129 00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:11,250 Wrong box. Lilah, will you take that big step 130 00:08:11,284 --> 00:08:13,218 from cousin to wife? 131 00:08:13,253 --> 00:08:16,155 Oh, Monty, you must promise me one thing. 132 00:08:16,189 --> 00:08:18,524 Anything she wanted I was willing to do. 133 00:08:18,558 --> 00:08:20,559 Anything, except... 134 00:08:20,593 --> 00:08:23,062 All I ask is that you set aside 135 00:08:23,096 --> 00:08:25,697 five minutes a day to think of others. 136 00:08:25,732 --> 00:08:28,767 When you say "others," could they be bars of gold? 137 00:08:28,802 --> 00:08:31,336 I shall find another husband 138 00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,605 as good as you are evil. 139 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:34,640 No one's that good. 140 00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:40,379 All I have left is my drawing. 141 00:08:40,413 --> 00:08:43,382 Hm. It looked a lot better in my memory. 142 00:08:43,416 --> 00:08:45,084 Uh, but you know what, Smithers? 143 00:08:45,118 --> 00:08:47,553 I will find Lilah and win her back. 144 00:08:47,587 --> 00:08:49,555 I'll just check with the old gang. 145 00:08:49,589 --> 00:08:50,889 Hemingway! 146 00:08:51,658 --> 00:08:52,591 Picasso. 147 00:08:53,393 --> 00:08:55,160 Matador Juan Belmonte. 148 00:08:56,229 --> 00:08:58,530 And Stalin. 149 00:08:58,565 --> 00:09:00,632 That man could really put pressure on you. 150 00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:01,900 Hello, Kent. 151 00:09:01,935 --> 00:09:04,369 Well, well, well. Rachel Maddow. 152 00:09:04,404 --> 00:09:06,405 Everyone came back for Chip's funeral. 153 00:09:06,439 --> 00:09:08,974 I was flying from DC to New York and, of course, 154 00:09:09,008 --> 00:09:10,342 I had the layover in Springfield. 155 00:09:10,376 --> 00:09:12,077 How's the gang at Channel 6? 156 00:09:12,112 --> 00:09:14,346 Look, let's get this out of the way-- just because we both 157 00:09:14,380 --> 00:09:16,548 worked at Channel 6 and you made it big and I didn't 158 00:09:16,583 --> 00:09:19,384 doesn't mean I'm bitter. Um, Is that your car? 159 00:09:19,419 --> 00:09:21,153 Maybe. 160 00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,588 Kent, I'm gonna tell you 161 00:09:22,622 --> 00:09:25,157 the most important mistake you ever made... 162 00:09:25,191 --> 00:09:26,692 after this break. 163 00:09:26,726 --> 00:09:28,994 So, Kent, that mistake you made, 164 00:09:29,028 --> 00:09:30,996 that fundamental, life-changing error, 165 00:09:31,030 --> 00:09:32,698 that cosmic fail, that... 166 00:09:32,732 --> 00:09:35,167 Just tell me already! After this break. 167 00:09:35,201 --> 00:09:36,668 You could have come with me, 168 00:09:36,703 --> 00:09:38,403 but you were suckling the dual teats 169 00:09:38,438 --> 00:09:41,607 of infotainment and celebrifawning. 170 00:09:43,576 --> 00:09:45,577 So, tell us about your new movie. 171 00:09:45,612 --> 00:09:47,112 It's fantastic. 172 00:09:47,147 --> 00:09:50,249 The studio let us play in their sandbox. 173 00:09:50,283 --> 00:09:52,751 Great. We have a clip. No! No, don't show it. 174 00:09:52,785 --> 00:09:55,387 There aren't five good seconds in the whole film. 175 00:09:58,158 --> 00:10:00,859 I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist. 176 00:10:00,894 --> 00:10:02,895 I keep discovering a new rock bottom. 177 00:10:02,929 --> 00:10:05,797 Kent, I think I found my ticket out of this town. 178 00:10:05,832 --> 00:10:07,966 Or at least to a better Springfield. 179 00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:10,068 You two newshounds working on a story? 180 00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:11,870 How about this? 181 00:10:11,905 --> 00:10:14,907 Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta. 182 00:10:14,941 --> 00:10:16,475 When did that happen? 183 00:10:16,509 --> 00:10:18,477 Whenever you want. Eh? 184 00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:19,912 Rachel, can I come? 185 00:10:19,946 --> 00:10:21,313 We can share blazers. 186 00:10:21,347 --> 00:10:22,881 Just follow me. 187 00:10:22,916 --> 00:10:25,417 At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall 188 00:10:25,451 --> 00:10:27,452 is signed by Frank Junior. 189 00:10:27,487 --> 00:10:29,621 The frame hides the "Junior"! 190 00:10:29,656 --> 00:10:32,624 Someone's been dumping tires in the forest. 191 00:10:34,427 --> 00:10:36,395 Willikers! In my three years of soft news, 192 00:10:36,429 --> 00:10:37,996 I've never seen anything like this. 193 00:10:38,031 --> 00:10:41,466 Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car. 194 00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:44,503 It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly. 195 00:10:44,537 --> 00:10:46,071 What a scoop! 196 00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:47,673 You're not telling no one. 197 00:10:47,707 --> 00:10:50,742 As the 4:00 p.m. clown, I have complete control 198 00:10:50,777 --> 00:10:53,045 of the Channel 6 news division. 199 00:10:54,681 --> 00:10:56,515 Local news is a joke. 200 00:10:56,549 --> 00:10:58,150 I'm going to cable. 201 00:10:58,184 --> 00:10:59,585 Cable news! 202 00:10:59,619 --> 00:11:02,287 Bah! People only want news at 6:00 p.m. 203 00:11:02,322 --> 00:11:04,122 from white guys on weekdays 204 00:11:04,157 --> 00:11:05,991 and black guys on weekends. 205 00:11:06,025 --> 00:11:07,292 We'll see about that. 206 00:11:07,327 --> 00:11:09,127 Yes, we shall see. 207 00:11:09,162 --> 00:11:11,463 About that, things will be seen. 208 00:11:11,497 --> 00:11:13,498 By us. 209 00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:15,867 Kent, you coming? 210 00:11:15,902 --> 00:11:17,336 He ain't comin'. 211 00:11:17,370 --> 00:11:19,504 This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy 212 00:11:19,539 --> 00:11:21,473 anchorman slop trough. 213 00:11:21,507 --> 00:11:23,942 Could you, uh, phrase that a little more nicely? 214 00:11:23,977 --> 00:11:26,712 Sorry. He "isn't" coming. 215 00:11:26,746 --> 00:11:28,280 You'll regret this, Kent. 216 00:11:28,314 --> 00:11:30,682 When I have my own show and you're stuck here 217 00:11:30,717 --> 00:11:33,218 tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole. 218 00:11:33,253 --> 00:11:35,254 "Oh, look, he's over Greenland!" 219 00:11:39,359 --> 00:11:42,427 Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice. 220 00:11:44,330 --> 00:11:47,933 Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so. 221 00:11:53,706 --> 00:11:54,106 Grunting as he lifts Bryce in the air. 222 00:11:55,087 --> 00:11:57,556 Look, Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie. 223 00:11:57,656 --> 00:11:59,624 She's still alive, and she just got over 224 00:11:59,658 --> 00:12:01,425 being mad at you last week. 225 00:12:01,660 --> 00:12:02,960 Lilah's alive? 226 00:12:02,994 --> 00:12:04,495 Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, 227 00:12:04,529 --> 00:12:06,464 but she's a nun. 228 00:12:06,498 --> 00:12:08,799 Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her? 229 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:11,302 Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one. 230 00:12:11,336 --> 00:12:14,238 But your penguin's not a Catholic, she's a Buddhist nun-- 231 00:12:14,272 --> 00:12:17,741 spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden. 232 00:12:17,776 --> 00:12:19,643 Those raked rocks could have been me. 233 00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:23,013 Now, since you're so good at finding things, find the exit. 234 00:12:23,048 --> 00:12:26,016 There is the little matter of my fee. 235 00:12:26,051 --> 00:12:28,252 You're becoming very tiresome. 236 00:12:28,286 --> 00:12:29,854 Who moved my desk?! 237 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,394 Well, here I am. Cable news alley. 238 00:12:46,204 --> 00:12:48,138 Fox News. Is this really how I want 239 00:12:48,173 --> 00:12:49,840 to get back in the big leagues? 240 00:12:49,875 --> 00:12:51,542 Let's see how print journalism is doing. 241 00:12:51,576 --> 00:12:53,477 Sir, do you sell The New York Times? 242 00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:56,046 Sir, we are The New York Times. 243 00:12:56,081 --> 00:12:57,848 And in I go. 244 00:12:57,883 --> 00:13:00,384 Why are you doing this, Bart? 245 00:13:00,418 --> 00:13:02,520 50% attention-seeking, 246 00:13:02,554 --> 00:13:05,523 50% to drop things on people. 247 00:13:05,557 --> 00:13:08,559 He's gonna visit my sky granny. 248 00:13:08,593 --> 00:13:11,962 To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do 249 00:13:11,997 --> 00:13:13,631 is operate this device. 250 00:13:13,665 --> 00:13:15,699 Now, when a Republican is in trouble... 251 00:13:15,734 --> 00:13:18,402 At the time, I didn't know it was illegal 252 00:13:18,436 --> 00:13:21,305 to sex up a cow on the Capitol steps. 253 00:13:21,339 --> 00:13:22,740 ...we simply do this. 254 00:13:27,245 --> 00:13:29,713 Now you try. 255 00:13:33,852 --> 00:13:36,320 Sorry, but I just discovered I have some scruples. 256 00:13:36,354 --> 00:13:38,422 I'm going back to my sweet little town 257 00:13:38,456 --> 00:13:40,424 where I can decide what news is. 258 00:13:40,458 --> 00:13:42,092 Like a god. 259 00:13:43,461 --> 00:13:45,563 We've had some good times. 260 00:13:45,597 --> 00:13:47,998 ♪ Memories 261 00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:53,470 ♪ Rest between the pages of my mind ♪ 262 00:13:56,141 --> 00:13:59,543 ♪ Memories 263 00:13:59,578 --> 00:14:05,583 ♪ See me through the ages just like wine... ♪ 264 00:14:05,617 --> 00:14:09,019 And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep, 265 00:14:09,054 --> 00:14:11,221 so I'm getting you shined up nice. 266 00:14:11,256 --> 00:14:13,524 What the...? 267 00:14:13,558 --> 00:14:15,259 Oh! 268 00:14:15,293 --> 00:14:17,261 That's a ball-proof window, sir. 269 00:14:17,295 --> 00:14:20,197 Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital? 270 00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:24,134 I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. 271 00:14:24,169 --> 00:14:25,736 Deleting all contact information. 272 00:14:25,770 --> 00:14:27,611 No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I... 273 00:14:27,639 --> 00:14:29,707 Delete confirmed. 274 00:14:33,661 --> 00:14:35,963 Oh. Okay, Bart, be cool. 275 00:14:35,997 --> 00:14:38,665 Calm down, you're not gonna die up here. 276 00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:49,710 Aw... 277 00:14:51,713 --> 00:14:52,780 D'oh! 278 00:15:03,892 --> 00:15:06,693 Oh, Monty, I can't believe you found me 279 00:15:06,728 --> 00:15:08,896 after all these years. 280 00:15:08,930 --> 00:15:11,165 I've saved myself for you. 281 00:15:11,199 --> 00:15:12,499 Well, then, uh... 282 00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:14,234 I should disrobe at once. 283 00:15:14,269 --> 00:15:16,937 Housekeeping? Send up a Chinese dressing screen 284 00:15:16,971 --> 00:15:20,107 and one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics. 285 00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:22,743 Be right back. 286 00:15:25,213 --> 00:15:27,181 Smithers? Which do I take first, 287 00:15:27,215 --> 00:15:29,283 the rhino horn or the tiger tongue? 288 00:15:29,317 --> 00:15:31,018 I have my doubts about both, sir. 289 00:15:31,052 --> 00:15:33,220 Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. 290 00:15:33,254 --> 00:15:34,521 With my pump. 291 00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:40,561 Just powdering my nose, darling. 292 00:15:44,732 --> 00:15:47,267 Smithers, run down to Sears, Roebuck 293 00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:49,770 and get a five-eighths-inch Phillips head bolt. 294 00:15:51,806 --> 00:15:54,441 Here I am, slowly dying every day 295 00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:56,443 at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00. 296 00:15:56,477 --> 00:15:58,045 Help! Help! 297 00:15:58,079 --> 00:16:01,615 Child in danger with exciting visuals! 298 00:16:01,649 --> 00:16:02,883 This kid's corpse could be 299 00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:04,785 my magic carpet. Get me a cameraman! 300 00:16:04,819 --> 00:16:08,288 The movie Up has come horribly to life over Springfield. 301 00:16:08,323 --> 00:16:10,490 A local boy clings to life in a story 302 00:16:10,525 --> 00:16:12,459 that proves this reporter's relevance. 303 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,894 Ay, caramba! 304 00:16:13,928 --> 00:16:15,729 It's Bart! 305 00:16:15,763 --> 00:16:17,164 Pray for a miracle, boy. 306 00:16:17,198 --> 00:16:19,399 God can hear you better from up there. 307 00:16:19,434 --> 00:16:21,401 Dear Lord, please help me land safely. 308 00:16:21,436 --> 00:16:24,071 Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot 309 00:16:24,105 --> 00:16:26,273 that I control with my mind. Amen. 310 00:16:26,307 --> 00:16:27,441 That's not a prayer. 311 00:16:27,475 --> 00:16:29,142 My God says it is. 312 00:16:33,481 --> 00:16:36,683 Oh, I see you're ice-cold with anticipation. 313 00:16:38,119 --> 00:16:39,920 Dead? 314 00:16:39,954 --> 00:16:41,455 Oh, Lilah. 315 00:16:41,489 --> 00:16:44,291 Even at the end, I waited too long. 316 00:16:44,325 --> 00:16:46,660 What if I give her the breath of life? 317 00:16:48,162 --> 00:16:49,529 Oh, boy. 318 00:16:49,564 --> 00:16:51,598 I guess one regret just leads to another. 319 00:16:51,633 --> 00:16:53,834 You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace 320 00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:56,403 to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you. 321 00:16:59,507 --> 00:17:01,108 Here you are, my good man. 322 00:17:01,142 --> 00:17:03,443 A little broth will cure your mental illness. 323 00:17:03,478 --> 00:17:04,811 Sir, that's five minutes. 324 00:17:04,846 --> 00:17:06,880 You can stop thinking of other people now. 325 00:17:06,915 --> 00:17:09,850 You know what, I think I'll give it another five. 326 00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:14,288 I'm proud of you, Monty. 327 00:17:15,657 --> 00:17:17,357 I ain't eatin' that. 328 00:17:20,595 --> 00:17:23,030 Chief, what are you doing to save our son? 329 00:17:23,064 --> 00:17:25,032 Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof 330 00:17:25,066 --> 00:17:27,000 to shoot the balloons one by one, 331 00:17:27,035 --> 00:17:28,869 but frankly they're not very good. 332 00:17:30,171 --> 00:17:32,372 Chief, it happened again. 333 00:17:32,407 --> 00:17:34,808 Aw, come on, guys, spread out. Arm's length. 334 00:17:34,842 --> 00:17:36,243 It's all my fault. 335 00:17:36,277 --> 00:17:37,878 I should never have listened 336 00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:40,547 to those KISS albums when I was pregnant. 337 00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:42,983 Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. 338 00:17:43,017 --> 00:17:45,419 My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches 339 00:17:45,453 --> 00:17:47,087 when she was pregnant with Ralphie, 340 00:17:47,121 --> 00:17:49,389 and he can't even open a refrigerator. 341 00:17:49,424 --> 00:17:51,091 Pushing, always... always pushing. 342 00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:52,259 Really? 343 00:17:52,293 --> 00:17:54,027 Oh, yeah. That kid's a mess. 344 00:17:54,062 --> 00:17:56,396 Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou. 345 00:17:56,431 --> 00:17:58,865 Kid's scared to flush. Think's it's his brother. 346 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:02,102 Can we focus on my son up in the sky? 347 00:18:02,136 --> 00:18:03,770 Oh, I've got a long-shot idea. 348 00:18:03,805 --> 00:18:07,774 By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance. 349 00:18:09,577 --> 00:18:11,178 Yeah, you see, if we could fire 350 00:18:11,212 --> 00:18:15,248 an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight into the basket, 351 00:18:15,283 --> 00:18:18,552 it would lower the boy very gently to the ground. 352 00:18:18,586 --> 00:18:22,022 Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down 353 00:18:22,056 --> 00:18:24,858 to make a statue of Joe Paterno, 354 00:18:24,892 --> 00:18:27,494 which we changed to look like Eugene Levy. 355 00:18:29,263 --> 00:18:32,632 I think I just might have what you're looking for. 356 00:18:36,471 --> 00:18:40,207 Today I'm glad that I sold that stock. 357 00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:42,943 Uh, Apple closed up another 20 points today. 358 00:18:42,977 --> 00:18:44,878 Why does everyone know? 359 00:18:44,912 --> 00:18:47,414 Because their terrific products keep track of it for you. 360 00:18:47,448 --> 00:18:49,483 And anything else you could ever think of. 361 00:18:56,257 --> 00:18:58,558 That kid's not dying on my watch. 362 00:18:58,593 --> 00:19:00,761 Which ends... right now, fortunately. 363 00:19:06,868 --> 00:19:10,437 Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 364 00:19:10,471 --> 00:19:12,372 Hey. 365 00:19:12,407 --> 00:19:13,974 - Bart! Bart! - Hmm. 366 00:19:14,008 --> 00:19:16,243 Homer's rising faster than Apple stock. 367 00:19:20,615 --> 00:19:22,582 My boy's okay! 368 00:19:22,617 --> 00:19:24,251 Bart! Bart! Bart! 369 00:19:24,285 --> 00:19:26,153 I won the science fair! 370 00:19:26,187 --> 00:19:28,088 I get to go to Chicago! 371 00:19:28,122 --> 00:19:29,689 Bart! Bart! Bart! 372 00:19:29,724 --> 00:19:32,826 Ugh. Bart, Bart, Bart. 373 00:19:32,860 --> 00:19:34,861 You know what I think about regrets? 374 00:19:34,896 --> 00:19:37,431 As long as your family is together, 375 00:19:37,465 --> 00:19:40,434 every choice you've ever made is the right one. 376 00:19:40,468 --> 00:19:42,202 And together we are. 377 00:19:43,971 --> 00:19:46,706 Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already. 378 00:19:47,956 --> 00:19:50,077 Sorry, Chief, that was me putting it down. 379 00:19:50,078 --> 00:19:52,379 And there you have it-- a family reunited. 380 00:19:52,413 --> 00:19:55,382 And a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting. 381 00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:56,950 Back to you, Rachel Maddow. 382 00:19:56,984 --> 00:19:58,985 Great job, Kent. I think we might have 383 00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:00,687 an opening for you at MSNBC 384 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:02,656 between our weekend prison documentary block 385 00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:04,624 and the two hours it takes 386 00:20:04,659 --> 00:20:06,693 to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning. 387 00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:08,662 No, thanks, Rachel Maddow. I'm happy right here. 388 00:20:08,696 --> 00:20:11,064 No regrets. 389 00:20:11,099 --> 00:20:16,099 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 390 00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:22,246 Hah! 391 00:21:02,321 --> 00:21:04,322 Shh!