1 00:00:05,715 --> 00:00:08,132 [thunder rumbling] 2 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:17,224 [panting] 3 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:20,728 Finally, a galaxy without trolls. 4 00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:22,104 Huh? 5 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,192 [both grunting] 6 00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:34,783 Your reign of muscly heroism 7 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,411 Ends here, flexulon. 8 00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:38,787 [screeching] 9 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:41,206 [shouts] 10 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,626 [groans] 11 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,962 Soar high, my golden friend. 12 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:50,340 For today, we die another day. 13 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,593 [laughing] 14 00:00:52,595 --> 00:00:55,596 [rock guitar solo plays] 15 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:59,266 [laughs] next stop, 16 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,811 The dank sticky jungles of bong-ulon five. 17 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:05,064 -[tires screeching] -[laughing] 18 00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,774 Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat 19 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,942 That whole pan of acid brownies. 20 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:11,403 In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool, 21 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,406 And I was right. 22 00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:19,953 So, since otto has disappeared with our bus 23 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,789 And our brownie pans, 24 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,500 Parents will have to drive their own children to school. 25 00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:27,878 [overlapping complaints] 26 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,047 Well, fewer of you would have to drive 27 00:01:30,049 --> 00:01:32,800 If you sat down and arranged a carpool schedule. 28 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:34,843 [clamoring] 29 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,053 [parent] I'll kill you! 30 00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:37,930 Or your children could walk to school 31 00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:39,973 So none of you have to do anything. 32 00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:41,850 [overlapping agreements] 33 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,227 Walking it is. 34 00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:45,771 However, we do need one parent volunteer 35 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,106 To complete our team of 36 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,941 Noble crossing guards. 37 00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:53,237 Just, uh, one engaged parent is all we need. 38 00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:54,988 [overlapping grumbling] 39 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,032 Hell yeah! You know I'm in. 40 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,534 I've been waiting for this my whole life. 41 00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:01,120 Homer simpson. Wonderful. 42 00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,746 Hmm? What'd he say? 43 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,666 I was watching the trailer for the revenge of the nerds reboot. 44 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,876 John cena is playing booger. 45 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:11,421 Homer, you just volunteered. 46 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,507 Dear god. 47 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,300 No. Stop. Yield. 48 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,846 Well, he's got the lingo down. This guy's a natural. 49 00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:19,930 [bird caws] 50 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:20,931 Now I got to wake up 51 00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:22,599 At the butt-crack of dawn 52 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,769 To walk loser kids across some loser street. 53 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,564 [groans] never have children, lenny. 54 00:02:28,566 --> 00:02:31,066 [laughs] you don't have to worry about that. 55 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,277 -See, I was born without... -[alert beeping] 56 00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:36,446 What the...? We've got a code blue in 7-g. Repeat, code blue. 57 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,866 [alarm blaring] 58 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,367 [groans] anyhoo, 59 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:43,162 You notice there's an apple for sale in the vending machine? 60 00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:45,831 [laughs] I mean, who would buy that? 61 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,541 [alarm continues blaring] 62 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:50,460 -Double the coolant levels, now. -I'm on it. 63 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,045 Backup pumps on standby. 64 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:53,630 Carlson, decrease the steam valves by 60p. 65 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,799 Leonard, the control rods. 66 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:58,177 You, glasses, pray for all our souls. 67 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,762 Now, switch generators on my count. 68 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,222 Five. 69 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:03,265 Four. 70 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,601 Three. 71 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,477 Two. 72 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:09,563 Implement. 73 00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:11,398 [powering down] 74 00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:13,859 [laughter] 75 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,320 -We did it! -Boolah, boolah. 76 00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:17,487 [clears throat] um, fellas? 77 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:21,450 I'm the nuclear safety guy, right? 78 00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:25,287 Shouldn't my console have been doing all that beepy stuff? 79 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:28,248 -Yeah, um, uh... [stammers] -uh, you see... 80 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,709 We kind of made it so that just my console does that now. 81 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:34,630 We just figured we'd lighten your load, buddy, 82 00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:36,548 Since you already do so much. 83 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,633 Like the March madness brackets. 84 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,928 And you're the go-getter who implemented 85 00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:41,678 Jean-short wednesdays. 86 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,340 Are you guys saying 87 00:03:45,342 --> 00:03:47,684 I've never kept anyone safe? 88 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,396 Oh, sure you have, homer. Just... By not doing anything. 89 00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:00,030 My console isn't even plugged in. 90 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,616 I opened it, and it's full of cleaning supplies 91 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:05,410 And unsold mr. Burns funkos. 92 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:08,622 [groans] this whole time I thought I mattered, 93 00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:10,791 But I don't and I never did. 94 00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:11,875 Well, you matter to me, 95 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:15,254 Especially since it's Wednesday night. 96 00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:19,591 Oh. Right. Scheduled sex. 97 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,260 [both moaning] 98 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:24,429 [homer] okay, here we go... 99 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,266 Just give me a second here. [moans] come on, just... 100 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,143 Almost... [grunts] um... 101 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,770 [marge] uh, sweetie? 102 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,065 It seems like your light saber doesn't want to go "shwoom." 103 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,859 Did you go "han solo" earlier tonight? 104 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,862 [groans] I guess I'm useless everywhere. 105 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,489 I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow 106 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,492 And suck my nightstand ketchup packets. 107 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:49,538 Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00 108 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,289 To be a crossing guard. 109 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,040 D'oh! 110 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:54,626 What do you guys think happened to otto? 111 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:55,752 -Jail. -Jail. 112 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,796 -Jail. -Maybe he just got tired 113 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,756 Of always running from the darkness. 114 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:02,926 Oh, god, there's dad. 115 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,429 Please don't let him embarrass us. 116 00:05:05,431 --> 00:05:06,930 Well, well, 117 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:10,642 Time to help the baby brigade cross the road. 118 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,185 [laughter] 119 00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,229 -[groans] -oh, no. 120 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,733 I deserve your respect, 121 00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:19,651 You little jerks. 122 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,529 Stupid kids. Without me, 123 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,699 They'd be stuck on one side of the street 124 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,409 For the rest of their lives. 125 00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:30,120 Haw-haw! Got your octagonal sign. 126 00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,122 Hey, give me that! 127 00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:34,458 I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop! 128 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:36,126 No, you stop. 129 00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,211 -[laughs] -d'oh! 130 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,630 -[laughter] -[grunts] 131 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,968 I'm a streetwalker. 132 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:49,639 Oh, no. I'm late for my aa meeting. 133 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,185 Hey there, gorgeous. 134 00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:54,561 Hmm? 135 00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:58,732 [grunts] 136 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,485 [both] whoa. 137 00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:04,154 My whole life just flashed through my pants. 138 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:05,739 Way to go, homer! 139 00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:08,492 You just saved this balding little scamp's life. 140 00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:11,286 -All right, homer. -You did it, dad! 141 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,497 How about one for the paper, mr. S. 142 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,625 I saved someone's life. 143 00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:17,459 You hear that, world? 144 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:20,045 Homer simpson matters! 145 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,922 [overlapping shouting] 146 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,132 Oh, right. How about one of these? 147 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,551 -Whoo. -Whee! 148 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,136 [grunting rhythmically] 149 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,599 The last two endangered pandas 150 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,477 On earth died today 151 00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:37,437 In what zoo investigators are calling a grisly murder-suicide. 152 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:40,565 Adios, pandas. We'll see you at the crossroads. 153 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,276 We wrap up tonight's nightly reading of horrors 154 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,737 With a new optimistic segment I like to call 155 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,739 "chicken soup for the news." 156 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,200 The small-town crossing guard. 157 00:06:50,202 --> 00:06:51,827 [chuckles] 158 00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:54,871 A job most americans consider as charming as it is pointless. 159 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,164 Until last week, 160 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:59,292 When local hero homer simpson risked his life 161 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,336 To save one pumpkin-headed little boy. 162 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:04,172 And now, simpson has become something 163 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,632 Of a curbside celebrity. 164 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,302 What can springfield do to show its love and appreciation 165 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,012 For local crossing guards? 166 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,807 I don't know. I guess we could use some new equipment. 167 00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:15,642 These lawn chairs aren't very comfy 168 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,562 And these old sashes don't exactly "lift and support." 169 00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:19,521 But you know what, kent? 170 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:22,816 Keeping kids safe is its own reward. 171 00:07:22,818 --> 00:07:25,527 God bless that saintly doughball. 172 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:27,946 That's it, I'm giving springfield's crossing guards 173 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,364 An actual budget. 174 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:32,284 Not for self-serving political reasons, 175 00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:33,326 But because I'm a man of principle 176 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,495 Who wants to do good in the world. 177 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:38,331 Joseph, your turn on the sex chess board. 178 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:41,126 We can't very well play without our king. 179 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:44,629 Though the bishop may try. 180 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,590 ♪ 181 00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,179 Wow, look at all this orange swag. 182 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,973 And that's just the beginning. 183 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,017 Now you'll be getting a full-time salary. 184 00:07:57,019 --> 00:07:59,311 Ah, sweet cellophane sally. 185 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,104 First, I get paid to be the timer 186 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,607 At a chess-themed sex orgy, and now this. 187 00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:06,359 Homer, as the fella whose heroism got us here, 188 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,696 I nominate you as crossing guard captain. 189 00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:15,368 [marge and lisa] ooh. 190 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:18,163 Look at my handsome man in uniform. 191 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,748 I don't know, homer. 192 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,792 The only people that wear badges are power-hungry chumps 193 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,128 Who want to keep the little guy down. 194 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:25,962 Are you talking about that security guard 195 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,297 At the supermarket? 196 00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:30,425 I wasn't trying to break the gumball machine. 197 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:32,719 I was just trying to shake out a purple. 198 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:33,762 Well, I'm proud of you, dad. 199 00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:36,014 Volunteering to serve the community 200 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,016 Is the highest calling there is. 201 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,309 You know what's even better? 202 00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:42,229 Volunteering for money. We're getting paid now. 203 00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:45,565 I even got a budget for ten more guards. 204 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,568 And I'm only gonna hire the best and the brightest. 205 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:49,986 All right, rookies. 206 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:52,906 Not all of you are going to make it through training. 207 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:55,283 Look to your left, now look to your right. 208 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:58,286 That's how you know if a car is coming. 209 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,288 That concludes your training. 210 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:03,124 Heya, homer. I-I can't thank you enough 211 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,125 For saving my ralphy's life. 212 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:08,046 Of course, chief. Just doing my job. 213 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,881 If you ever need a parking ticket thrown out 214 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,759 Or someone else's dna left somewhere, you just let me know. 215 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,803 [humming] 216 00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:16,429 Yarr, captain. 217 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:19,766 He didn't seek your permission to cross the seven stripes. 218 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,226 Crossing guard stu 219 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,062 -Thinks he's undermining you. -[groans] 220 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,481 -Where's the fire, buddy? -[exclaims] 221 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,358 Do you know how jay you were walking there, sir? 222 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,527 I-I-I don't know what that means. 223 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,279 All right, wise guy, I'm gonna have to ask you 224 00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:33,446 To step out of the curb. 225 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:34,447 And keep your feet where I can see them. 226 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:37,367 [stammers] I can't even see them. 227 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,618 Sir, calm down. 228 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,161 Look, I can let you off with a warning this time, 229 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:44,082 But just so you know, I run these streets. 230 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,459 I-- what? No, you don't, I do. 231 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:49,087 Well, I run all the parts between the curbs. Got it? 232 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,964 Ooh, these are nice. 233 00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:52,424 I'm gonna hold onto them, 234 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:54,426 Unless you have a problem with that? 235 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,178 Yeah, no, no problem at all, um, uh, "cross-ifer." 236 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,930 Just have-have a nice day. 237 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,599 Stupid crossing guards, 238 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,727 Think they're so tough with their cool orange vests. 239 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,479 Another curb kept safe 240 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,732 By captain homer j. Simpson. Boys? 241 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:11,985 ♪ 242 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,826 [raucous laughter] 243 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:23,038 H-here's that pitcher you asked for, squeaky voice. 244 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,123 That's mr. Teen to you, rookie. 245 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,417 These new guys got no respect. 246 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,127 It ain't like when we started three weeks ago. 247 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,380 Homer, I've been trying to reach you. 248 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:36,217 Whoa, there, skinner. This bar is crossing guards only now. 249 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:39,012 I don't even let lenny and carl in here no more. 250 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,265 Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo? 251 00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:45,352 Tomorrow is the science fair, bake sale, and picture day. 252 00:10:45,354 --> 00:10:47,812 Morning drop-off will be very challenging. 253 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,398 Now, uh, I'm not telling you how to do your job... 254 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,609 Are you telling me how to do my job? 255 00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:55,195 No, I specifically said I'm not telling you how to do your job. 256 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:58,740 That's enough, principal what's-ya-face. 257 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,533 No pedestrians allowed. 258 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,242 But, homer, 259 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,036 If we don't get this right, 260 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:05,705 It could be pandemonium. 261 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,374 [scoffs] pandemonium. 262 00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,292 It's pandemonium, folks. This is arnie pye, 263 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:13,421 Reporting live high above an elementary school traffic jam 264 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:16,257 Turned all-out scholastic fracas. 265 00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:18,593 Surely this town's handsomely paid crossing guards 266 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,096 Can bring order to this Monday morning mayhem. 267 00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:23,223 -[helicopter whirring] -oh, oh. 268 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:24,683 -Guys, stop it! -[glass shatters] 269 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,559 [moaning] 270 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:28,603 [mice squeaking] 271 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:31,398 -[overlapping shouting] -[horns honking] 272 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,151 The punching is making things worse. 273 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:37,320 Don't make me blow my whistle at you. 274 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,115 Captain simpson, the shaking of my car 275 00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:41,491 Is dangerously close to mixing 276 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:45,161 The hydrogen peroxide, yeast, and dish soap within. 277 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:47,247 -So? -Those ingredients create 278 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:49,207 A fascinating yet volatile substance 279 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,251 Known as... [gasps] 280 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:54,504 ...Elephant toothpaste. 281 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,966 This was the most expensive, destructive, 282 00:11:57,968 --> 00:12:00,677 And disgusting riot since the isotopes won the pennant. 283 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,429 Go topes. 284 00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:04,347 Crossing guard captain homer simpson, 285 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,724 What do you have to say for yourself? 286 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,726 [overlapping shouting] 287 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,478 Um... Um... 288 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,273 Ooh! What can I do? Who can I blame? Coastal elites? 289 00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:16,693 Avocado socialists? The boy? [gasps] I've got it. 290 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:20,155 Mr. Mayor, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders 291 00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:23,867 Of the crossing guards...'s inadequate budget. 292 00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,410 We need more money! 293 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,579 More money? 294 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:31,499 More money for training, for equipment, for overtime, 295 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:33,918 So that your children can cross the street safely 296 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,837 At 3:00 a.M. If they want to. 297 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,798 [overlapping agreements] 298 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,885 Throwing money at a deeply flawed institution 299 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,219 Is bound to work. 300 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:46,514 Um, have you all been huffing evidence powder? 301 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,475 Homer simpson and his chair-jockeys 302 00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:51,060 Royally screwed the pooch on this one. 303 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:51,936 And now you want to give him more money? 304 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:55,064 That makes absolutely no sense. 305 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,108 Listen up, wokester. 306 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,319 Guys like me are the last line of defense 307 00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:02,113 Between your school kids and guys like me 308 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,032 Who text when they drive. 309 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,034 And if you don't like it, 310 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:09,996 You can jaywalk your ass back to portland. 311 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:10,747 [cheering] 312 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:11,706 Wha...? 313 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,875 All in favor of me 314 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:15,794 Pulling a political 180 on this issue 315 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:19,214 And giving the crossing guards a blank check, say "aye." 316 00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:21,299 -[all] aye. -Nay. 317 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,634 Somebody get my enormous checkbook. 318 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:24,677 [cheering] 319 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,638 It worked. 320 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,223 Maybe I should've asked them for more, just in case. 321 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,559 And, uh, here's some more, just in case. 322 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,358 Ooh, these beanbag bazookas 323 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,109 Can shatter a minivan windshield. 324 00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,238 [gasps] and it comes with a beanbag bandolier. 325 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,115 Look at you and your huge budget. 326 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,326 My big, strong leader in the streets 327 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:52,080 And in the sheets-- the bedsheets. 328 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,207 I like that we kept our sunglasses on last night. 329 00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:57,126 I couldn't see a thing. 330 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,546 Wow, look at all this cool stuff. 331 00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:03,132 You are an all-powerful crossing god. 332 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:05,385 I thought you said badges were lame? 333 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,428 Hey, like everyone who comes into a ton of cash, 334 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,348 I've flip-flopped to the side of authority. 335 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:14,602 Oh, you're charging me, francine? 336 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,021 Even though I keep your kids safe every morning? 337 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,731 Aiden? Charlotte? 338 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,900 Nearsighted nicholas? 339 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,527 Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house. 340 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,654 Thank you for your service, hero. 341 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,824 [sighs] I don't even have kids, but this guy scares me. 342 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:29,576 Um, dad, 343 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,996 I worry that this massive increase in money and power 344 00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:34,998 Is subtly corrupting you. [chuckles nervously] 345 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,375 Oh, honey, relax. 346 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,961 There's nothing subtle about it. 347 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:40,962 ["won't get fooled again" by the who playing] 348 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:41,588 ♪ hey! ♪ 349 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,985 -[glass shatters] -move, move, move! 350 00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,529 [crowd gasping] 351 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:08,281 Nice job, squeaks. 352 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:11,400 Moleman, you got a couple of sjws-- suspected jaywalkers-- 353 00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:14,495 At three o'clock. Engage with extreme hostility. 354 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:16,831 [moleman over radio] copy. Gun safety 355 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,791 And body cam off. 356 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:20,543 [gunshots] 357 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:23,338 Mm... Simpson and his orange shirts 358 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,924 Are harassing citizens with complete disregard 359 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,216 For their civil rights. 360 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,260 I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails 361 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,137 And nine-figure lawsuits. 362 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,057 Well, you could always, uh... 363 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,434 Decrease their budget a bit. 364 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,645 -Defund us?! -[both yelp] 365 00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,480 My department does not have too much money. 366 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:43,066 How did you know what we were talking about? 367 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:45,860 Uh, surveillance satellite. 368 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,236 [beeping] 369 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:50,949 Aw, geez, we wanted one of those. 370 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,075 Uh, captain simpson, 371 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:54,827 Your crossing guards now take up 372 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,454 The vast majority of this town's budget. 373 00:15:56,456 --> 00:16:00,750 We have no choice but to trim your budget by... 374 00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,961 1.5 percent. 375 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:06,297 [stammering] one point... 376 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,299 Sir, you're about to learn 377 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,927 The crossing guards are uncrossable. 378 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,012 [rat squeaking] 379 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:18,059 Where's the nice man who helps us cross? 380 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,269 I heard he lost his funding. 381 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,896 Let's just go by ourselves. 382 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,732 [engine revving] 383 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,359 [both scream] 384 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:29,904 [homer] welcome to mayor quimby's springfield, 385 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,115 Population: Two less kids. 386 00:16:32,117 --> 00:16:34,492 Quimby and his fat-cop cronies 387 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,202 Want to flood the streets with door-dashers, 388 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,162 Rolling stoppers, 389 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,080 And yellow-light speeder-uppers. 390 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:42,959 Joe quimby. Bad for springfield. 391 00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,669 Worse for america. 392 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,172 A smear ad? 393 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,466 It's not even an election year. 394 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,384 Is it? 395 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,219 Homer simpson can bully this town, 396 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:56,472 Its citizens, and their young children, 397 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,057 But he cannot bully me. 398 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:01,894 Clancy, shut him down. 399 00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,938 With pleasure. 400 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,064 [gasps] 401 00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:07,233 My anti-quimby ad got a million likes 402 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,819 On my "thin orange line" facebook page. 403 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,863 Look at all these supportive comments. 404 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,114 "murder quimby," 405 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,157 "dismember quimby," 406 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:17,827 "go back in time and kill baby quimby." 407 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,245 Ah, the internet, 408 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:21,330 The marketplace of ideas. 409 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:25,126 You're endangering the lives of public officials. 410 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:28,129 Oh, come on, I'm just slinging a little mud. 411 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,756 What's the worst that could happen? 412 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,007 [glass shatters] 413 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,426 [gasps] dear god... 414 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:39,182 That chair was my best friend on the force. 415 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:41,184 Who would dare do this? 416 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,102 [wiggum] me would dare. 417 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:46,856 When you mess with the pig, you get the snout. 418 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,274 [snorts] 419 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:50,193 This is a chair too far, wiggum. 420 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:51,277 My crossing guards and your cops 421 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:54,197 Need to settle this once and for all, 422 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:57,283 At the most dangerous place in town. 423 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,410 What, that brunchausen by loxy place 424 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,621 That's been poisoning everyone for attention? 425 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:05,500 No. The six-way intersection. 426 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:09,295 Well, well, 427 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:12,632 I thought cops only showed up after something bad happens. 428 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:16,052 [laughter] 429 00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,012 We are sick of you crossing guards 430 00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:20,223 And your unaccountable, super-macho, 431 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:23,893 Hyper-sensitive, crazily militarized malarkey. 432 00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:26,771 That's our thing, damn it. 433 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,856 No, that's our thing. 434 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:30,233 Who the hell are you? 435 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,443 We're ice. Keeping this country safe 436 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,862 From cleaning ladies and college-age dreamers. 437 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,614 We're america's heroes. 438 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,866 You wish, kid-cagers. It's the tsa. 439 00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:41,327 We keep this country safe, 440 00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:44,831 One confiscated shampoo bottle at a time. 441 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,165 Think again, shoe sniffers. 442 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:49,127 The only force holding society together 443 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,462 Is america's meter maids. 444 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,506 And meter butlers. 445 00:18:53,508 --> 00:18:57,135 No, it's us, overzealous neighborhood watch guys 446 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,886 In right-to-carry states. 447 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,972 -[yells] -whoop. Sorry, clem. 448 00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:01,681 [clamoring] 449 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,225 [airhorn blows] 450 00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:06,978 You all think you keep america safe? 451 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,229 [scoffs] how? 452 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,065 By hassling grandmas and wrecking quinceañeras? 453 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,817 By grazing my junk with your wand? 454 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,736 Or arresting bank robbers 455 00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:18,030 Who rob banks? 456 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:19,282 Unlike all of you, 457 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,951 I've earned the right to feel godlike. 458 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,120 I've actually saved a life. 459 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:27,165 [lifeguard] um, we save lives every day, bruh. 460 00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,333 Shut up, lifeguards. This is a land argument. 461 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,711 But if the rest of you want to get nuts, 462 00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:33,963 Then come on, let's get nuts. 463 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,339 But mark my words, 464 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,009 Before you cross the crossing guards, 465 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,970 You'd better look both way-- [grunts] 466 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:43,598 Hey, everybody. I'm back. I... 467 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,765 Uh-oh. 468 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:48,895 [groans weakly] 469 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:49,896 Am I gonna go to jail now? 470 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,565 I wouldn't dream of it. 471 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,150 [cheering] 472 00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:57,778 Well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson, dad. 473 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,363 Absolute power... 474 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:00,948 Is the best kind of power there is? 475 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:01,866 Is a warm beanbag bazooka? 476 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,910 Does bad things to society 477 00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:06,162 And does strange things to me. 478 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:10,249 No. Once you militarized the crossing guards, 479 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:13,044 They became an army in search of an enemy. 480 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,047 And if the only tool you have is a hammer, 481 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:19,008 Then everything starts to look like a nail. 482 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,885 Perhaps, but on the other hand... 483 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,803 -[burps, laughs] -ugh. 484 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,180 -Mom! -Gotcha! 485 00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:26,265 Bart, say "excuse me." 486 00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:28,976 [lisa] I don't care if he says excuse me, I want him 487 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,519 -Not to burp in my face. -[crying] 488 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:31,270 Lighten up, lis. 489 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:34,148 [overlapping arguing] 490 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,942 Must hammer nails. 491 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:39,904 ♪ if I had a hammer ♪ 492 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:43,241 ♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪ 493 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,367 ♪ I'd hammer in the evening... ♪ 494 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:53,125 ♪ I got a hammer, and I've got a bell ♪ 495 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,002 ♪ and I've got a song to sing ♪ 496 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:58,256 ♪ all over this land ♪ 497 00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:00,841 ♪ it's a hammer of justice ♪ 498 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,885 ♪ it's a bell of freedom ♪ 499 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,345 ♪ it's a song about love ♪ 500 00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,847 ♪ between my brothers and my sisters ♪ 501 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:11,352 ♪ all over this land ♪ 502 00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:13,854 ♪ it's a hammer of justice ♪ 503 00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:16,899 ♪ it's a bell of freedom ♪ 504 00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,359 ♪ it's a song about love ♪ 505 00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:20,569 ♪ between my brothers and my sisters ♪ 506 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:21,779 ♪ all over this land. ♪ 507 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:24,156 Captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television 508 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:26,492 And fox broadcasting company 509 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,369 And toyota. 510 00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:29,328 Shh! 511 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:36,168 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org