1 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,144 -(water splattering) -Sorry, Dad, 2 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,012 but it looks like I've conquered you at Risk, 3 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,714 -bankrupted you at Monopoly... -HOMER: Hmm. Hmm. 4 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,883 ...and aggravated you at Aggravation. 5 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,318 Well, with you as a daughter, 6 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,153 I'm a winner in the game of Life. 7 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:20,721 Although, I lost that, too. 8 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,690 (grunts) Such a good father. 9 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,725 Everyone is really getting along. 10 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,760 What the hell is going on? 11 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,829 There's no Bart. 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,831 -You're right. -Where is he? 13 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,400 Ladies, relax. 14 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,535 Remember when I said I'd punish Bart 15 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:37,871 after he got us... banned from the buffet? 16 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,273 (Bart chuckles) 17 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,843 I can't shut it off. 18 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,880 Someone wedged a seasonal Tuscan focaccia in the lever! 19 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,382 (laughs) 20 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,852 Well, Homie, whatever punishment you gave him must have worked. 21 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:55,256 Yep, tough love. I'm his father, not his best friend. 22 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:58,426 He'll hate me now, but someday he'll say wonderful things 23 00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:02,029 about me to people on airplanes who just want to go to sleep. 24 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,698 -That young man will... -How did you punish him? 25 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,801 Well, I sat the boy down, looked him straight in the eye, 26 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:11,105 and bought him a top-of-the-line computer gaming rig. 27 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,441 -You what? -I get it. You bribed him. 28 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,743 Stay out of this. I did not bribe him. 29 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,279 I addicted him to something that will numb his spirit 30 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,781 until he's no longer our responsibility. 31 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,651 Well, it has been pretty peaceful around here. 32 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,787 Kill! Die! Die! Get wrecked, newbs! 33 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,957 (dramatic music playing) 34 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,659 This is General Splattin'. Do you copy? 35 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:33,227 -Copy. -BOTH: Copy. 36 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,728 Jinx. You me a Coke. 37 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,231 (groans) I'll never be able to pay that bet. 38 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,599 Focus, Nelson, focus. 39 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,568 Kite the enemy into a gank. Squeeze it... 40 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,903 -on three... two... -(explosion) 41 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,104 GG! 42 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,606 That means "good game." 43 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:49,310 It's how the other team lets you know... they surrender! 44 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,944 HOMER: Mm. 45 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,581 Now I hit control-six to defile their corpses. 46 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:54,915 Haw-haw! Haw-haw! 47 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,117 -Haw-haw! -(chickens clucking) 48 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,188 (dance music plays) 49 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,259 Civilized annihilation. 50 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:08,296 Marge, the boy just may be learning some life skills. 51 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,298 Mom, do you agree with this? 52 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,100 I guess so. Your father is showing an interest in Bart, 53 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,302 which is good. 54 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,936 Well, if that's how things work, 55 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,838 then I'm gonna behave badly, too. 56 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,773 (both laughing) 57 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,510 -That's great! -Sure you are. 58 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,946 I'll show you! I'm gonna... tear up my homework. 59 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,481 (Lisa groans) 60 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,951 I'm really gonna do this. Here I go. 61 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,955 (groans) Actually, this bibliography could be improved. 62 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,524 (Lisa humming a tune) 63 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,992 -(typing) -Island of the Blue Dolphins. 64 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,362 Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 65 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,631 Op cit. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 66 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,499 Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 67 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,501 (shower running) 68 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,003 Bart's been in the shower for an hour. 69 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,905 (chuckles) With a young man that age, 70 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:55,209 there's only one reason he's in the bathroom that long. 71 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,678 Skunk sprayed him good. 72 00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,381 Oh, my God, he's playing with himself! 73 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:01,815 On that game. 74 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,652 He's playing that game in the shower? 75 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,387 We have to stop this right now. 76 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,921 Homer, take care of your son. 77 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,723 Make him quit. (groans) Geez. 78 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,092 Sorry, boy, I have to put my foot down. 79 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,327 I can't quit now. 80 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,995 My team's about to compete in a tournament. 81 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,430 I can't let them down. 82 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:19,199 Well, team building is important. 83 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:22,270 All right, let yourself go, and your partner will support you. 84 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,739 (Lenny screams, groans) 85 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,275 Damn you, Homer! 86 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,010 Please, Dad, can I play in this one last tournament? 87 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,345 Sorry, boy, you're through. 88 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:33,414 First prize is a thousand bucks. 89 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,115 You get paid to play video games? 90 00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,350 A thousand bucks. 91 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,118 -They actually pay you? -Yes. 92 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,853 -In dollars? -Yes. 93 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,922 -To play a video game? -That's right. 94 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,558 -They pay you in cash? -Yes, yes, yes! 95 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,959 -How much? -A thousand! 96 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,895 All right. Do not tell your mom, 97 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,897 but I'm gonna say yes, one last tournament. 98 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,198 Oh, thank you, Dad. 99 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,066 Just one thing-- they actually pay you? 100 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,468 Yes! 101 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:58,105 A thousand dollars to play video games? 102 00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,940 (dramatic music playing) 103 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,376 Group up. Time to put these suckers away. 104 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,845 Oh, yeah, show me some Gs, Odgenville. 105 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:11,985 We win! And it's all because I let them do it. 106 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,922 Now, apparently, the Evergreen Terrors have won, 107 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,958 uh, this thing I don't understand at all, 108 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:21,395 but which gave the school new basketball nets. 109 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:26,266 Now to hand you your prize money, which is $1,000 cash. 110 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,103 Let go, Seymour. 111 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,472 I'm telling myself to. 112 00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,841 I've never held this much money in my hand all at once. 113 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,576 Let me just, uh... (chuckles) 114 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,845 look at it. 115 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:42,115 $100 bill, autographed by Lawrence Summers. 116 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:45,085 Such a carefree signature, before the Great Recession. 117 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,854 HOMER: Mm. 118 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:50,491 Here you go, $200 each. Mm! 119 00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:53,160 Okay, team, take a break and meet up for practice in 30. 120 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,262 My dad said we could all go to Krusty Burger. 121 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,164 Is he giving us a discount? 122 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,032 No, he just said we could go. 123 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,535 It'll be nice to have some kids in there again, 124 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,938 after what the monkey did during that birthday party. (groans) 125 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,874 Whatever. Just meet in 30. 126 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,776 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what, kids? 127 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,110 I'm gonna blow your minds 128 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,446 with a little bit of hard-earned advice: 129 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,848 -Quit while you're ahead. -KIDS: Huh? 130 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,950 We can't quit. There's so many more tournaments. 131 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,886 You won one video game tournament. 132 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,888 This isn't like baseball or politics 133 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,322 where you can make real money. 134 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,192 You only have one childhood, kids. Enjoy it. 135 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,528 Okay, but because we came in first 136 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,998 we qualified for a tournament where we could win $500,000. 137 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,800 Childhood's over. It's time for work. 138 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,602 (cell phone buzzing) 139 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,645 Hmm. Hmm? 140 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:45,979 That's right, sweetie. 141 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,916 I'm going to make your brother a champion. 142 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,985 Knock off that racket! 143 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,353 You're gonna defy Mom? 144 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,423 -Sit on my knee, boy. -I think I'm too old. 145 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,858 You're never too old to sit on Daddy's knee. 146 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,760 -(bones crack) -Ow, my knee! Get off! Get off! 147 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,995 (groaning) 148 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,597 Son, here's a life lesson: 149 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,166 I don't directly tell your mother anything bad. 150 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,236 I secretly make her a part of everything she's against. 151 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:12,339 That's why I spent your winnings on her. 152 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,241 Honey, I got you a present. 153 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,376 MARGE (gasps): An espresso pod machine, 154 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:19,012 like the one I made fun of at the Hibberts'. 155 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,583 Because you wanted it yourself. Let me pod you, my dear. 156 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,586 -(machine whirring) -Ooh! What's the occasion? 157 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,588 The occasion is that I haven't been 158 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,890 as good of a father as I should. 159 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,693 Yes. Well, no, uh... 160 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,094 Don't argue. It's true. 161 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,129 I need to get more involved in Bart's life, 162 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,198 so I've decided to be his coach. 163 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,434 That's wonderful. Coaching what? 164 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,603 Oh, I haven't landed on it yet. 165 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:45,072 Football, chess, maybe even a silly video game. 166 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,575 It doesn't matter. Have some coffee. 167 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,577 I love how it doesn't fill the cup. 168 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,812 Very European. Mmm. 169 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,847 -It's a video game. -What? 170 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,719 I guess if you're spending time together, what's the harm? 171 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,622 (singsongy): Look who's a dad. Look who's a dad. 172 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,390 I knew you'd be cool with it. 173 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,493 Also, I hired a video game expert to tutor Bart. 174 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,894 His name is The Detonator. 175 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,161 -(groans) -(doorbell rings) 176 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:13,300 "I can't make conversation unless it's about gaming." 177 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,836 Do you want to come in? 178 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,839 Do you want to go where they're playing the game? 179 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,474 Thank you, ma'am. 180 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,310 Homer, I've watched Bart play-- here, on his Twitch feed, 181 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,746 and his HitForm, InstaBox, Gibtrack, Buzuba, 182 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,080 and YergaPunch streams. 183 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,917 Hmm, the only word I recognized was Gibtrack. 184 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,285 I think Bart has what it takes to be top ten. 185 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,287 -Players? In the country? -Bigger. 186 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,156 -The galaxy? -Smaller. 187 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,424 -World? -Yes. 188 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,626 Whoo-hoo. 189 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,761 Kids, make sure you're in a chair that spins. 190 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,696 You're all gonna get a lesson from The Detonator. 191 00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,264 Let's jump into a battle. 192 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,634 To start, Bart and Nelson, we'll put you up front, 193 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,636 and we'll back you up with Sophie and Milhouse. 194 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,037 Booyah! 195 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,805 THE DETONATOR: Notice my finger is clicking the mouse 196 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:52,973 with a light, quick stroke 197 00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,441 to limit joint fatigue and tracking error. 198 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,043 I'm clicking like the mouse button is hot. 199 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,945 Not too hot; like the top of a toaster 200 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,346 after an underdone bagel. 201 00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:02,482 Okay, now I'm using that quick mouse stroke here and here, 202 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,852 which is how, Bart, you should drop diamonite mines 203 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,386 to surround their spawn points. 204 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,021 Milhouse, make sure you're in position 205 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,623 to respond to enemy aggression. 206 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:12,392 Sophie, when they make their move, go in and engage. 207 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,729 My dad's been engaged 20 times. I know what to do. 208 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,297 Okay, now we're entering the mid-game, 209 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,533 where it's important to keep focusing on major objectives 210 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:20,901 and control the map. 211 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,571 Okay, Homer, you watch the screen while I take a quick A.P. 212 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,805 What's an A.P.? 213 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,807 It's a gamer abbreviation for "a pee." 214 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,642 Nerd lingo. Saves so much time. 215 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,243 THE DETONATOR (over headsets): All right, I'm walking 216 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,478 through the kitchen, 217 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,880 blue-haired woman is feeding a baby. 218 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,314 I'm making eye contact. 219 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,317 MARGE: Your shoes have lace holes but no laces. 220 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,152 THE DETONATOR: Linoleum, linoleum. 221 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,188 Strafing into the bathroom, gonna go into defuel mode. 222 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,823 Lifting seat with shoe. 223 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,658 Pro tip: Going over the belt saves time. 224 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:45,926 Shaking, flushing and hand washing 225 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,728 are the real time killers. 226 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,363 Once I cut those out, my lag time went way down. 227 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,000 Okay, these Water Mages have fuel tanks on their backs, 228 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,835 so you can't hit them with standard spells, 229 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,371 but if I equip this staff that lets me cast lava quadballs... 230 00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:02,042 I mistimed it. Oh, God, I mistimed. They killed me. 231 00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:05,012 Do you mind if I dance over your corpse? 232 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,446 I'd be mad if you didn't. 233 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,016 -It's over for me. -Why? 234 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,351 I just lost my gaming edge. Right there, just now. 235 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,420 Been in the zone for years, and now I'm not. 236 00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,789 (sighs) Time in a bottle, man, time in a bottle. 237 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,758 But you were gonna mold my team into winners, 238 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,426 and I was gonna live through them. 239 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,028 Just yesterday, I turned 19. 240 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,030 Made it longer than most in this crazy biz. 241 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,699 Anyway, I'm gonna go work for my uncle. He owns a tile store. 242 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,368 It'll be a good life. Good enough. 243 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,037 Sucks to be old. 244 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,706 I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral, 245 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:36,276 mostly because he was racist, but I'm crying now. 246 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,312 (sobbing) 247 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,982 (somber medieval music plays) 248 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,018 (crying) 249 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:52,125 He taught us all he could. Now it's up to me. 250 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,128 -Do we get uniforms? -No. No uniforms. 251 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:57,464 You're a ragtag bunch without any sponsors 252 00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,432 that'll have everyone rooting for you. 253 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,669 Are you kids ready to turn this thing you like 254 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:04,504 into something that will consume every waking minute? 255 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,674 -KIDS: Maybe! -Hit the music! 256 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,008 (dramatic orchestral music plays) 257 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,476 (trumpets loudly) 258 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,583 (stopwatch dings) 259 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,119 Kids, you need to practice 10,000 hours to get great. 260 00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,520 Are you sure? 261 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:23,423 It's how long Malcolm Gladwell needed to think it up. 262 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,259 ♪ Bart is a champion ♪ 263 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,029 ♪ Which makes me a champion ♪ 264 00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,432 -♪ I am the champion of the... ♪ -Homer. 265 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,767 ♪ World. ♪ Yes, Marge? 266 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:37,170 I've noticed how much time you've been spending with Bart. 267 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,505 I know what's coming. 268 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:40,974 I'm riding him too hard, and you want me to pull back. 269 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,976 -No. -What the...? 270 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,713 Honestly, I worry so much about that boy, 271 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:49,116 I'm afraid he's going to wind up in jail. 272 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,618 Marge, his kill count is 98%. 273 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,486 Guys like that don't end up in jail. 274 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,990 And I promise you, I will coach him as hard as I can. 275 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,793 But will you also coach him to be a good man? 276 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,661 That's Flanders' job. 277 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,563 -FLANDERS: I'm on it. -Aw. 278 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,365 Mm. 279 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,170 (dramatic orchestral music playing) 280 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,244 Homer Simpson? Go right in. 281 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,713 Welcome, Homer. Welcome to the club of dads 282 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:23,050 who live through their glorious athletic children. 283 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,852 (gasps) Tiger Woods' father. 284 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,521 Hey, I have a name, although I've forgotten it. 285 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,190 Okay, so it's 5:00 in the morning. 286 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,491 My son is four. 287 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,393 He hits the boards and starts bleeding. 288 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,095 His elbow's sticking out of his skin. 289 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,329 ALL: Ew! 290 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,031 Yeah, I got my camera, and he says, 291 00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,167 (imitates crying) "Daddy, what are you doing?" 292 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,536 I said, "I'm filming the last time you are ever gonna cry." 293 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,538 (laughter) 294 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,942 -Oh, that is great. -Ha. Excellent coaching. 295 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,510 Really? It's not mean? 296 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,880 Homer, we're obsessive sports fathers, 297 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,681 so we're gonna teach you how to motivate 298 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,784 -the only way we know how. -Don't hit me. 299 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,385 Oh, we're gonna hit you, all right. 300 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,253 With a song. 301 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,355 ♪ 302 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,191 ♪ Never wanted Roland-Garros ♪ 303 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,193 ♪ Never made it to the show ♪ 304 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,195 ♪ Never won the Stanley Cup trophy ♪ 305 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,397 ♪ For five years in a row ♪ 306 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:14,034 ♪ There's nothing in our lives that we ever really did ♪ 307 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,603 ♪ Except made our child a superstar ♪ 308 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:19,039 ♪ And lived through our kid ♪ 309 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,308 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 310 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:23,777 -♪ Wake him up at 5:00 ♪ -(air horn blows) 311 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,478 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 312 00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:29,149 ♪ It's the only way to feel alive ♪ 313 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,118 ♪ Strap him to a hockey stick ♪ 314 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,286 ♪ While he is still asleep in bed ♪ 315 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,889 ♪ Build a scary dragon to fire tennis balls ♪ 316 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,290 ♪ Right at his head ♪ 317 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,226 ♪ There's no training that's too torturous ♪ 318 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,294 ♪ Or cruel to play this game ♪ 319 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,296 ♪ Because when they win at Pebble Beach ♪ 320 00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,133 ♪ You share in the fame ♪ 321 00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:50,237 ♪ Live, live through your kid, homeschooled by his mom ♪ 322 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,506 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 323 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,608 ♪ They'll surely come to hate you ♪ 324 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,245 ♪ But that's later on ♪ 325 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:03,083 ♪ There is absolutely nothing like ♪ 326 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,118 ♪ Living through ♪ 327 00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,057 ♪ Your kid. ♪ 328 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,461 This is still part of the dream, Homer. 329 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,631 MAN: No uniforms? 330 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,267 I'm rooting for those underdogs. 331 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,169 -Yay! -Yay! 332 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,272 Yes, you are, and you don't even know why. 333 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,774 I just said, it's the no uniforms. 334 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,677 (laughs) Not a clue. 335 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:33,680 Poke and harness those trolls. 336 00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,548 On it. Nelson, get ready to back me up 337 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,050 in case their heroes engage on me. 338 00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,518 On my way. 339 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,954 -It's a trap! -They're ganking me. 340 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,322 Damn it, they got me. 341 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,556 Respawning in 30. 342 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,792 They're control-sixing my corpse. 343 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,394 We're gonna win. 344 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,029 (cheering) 345 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,132 It's coming, Gordy. 346 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,733 Hold on a minute. 347 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,870 Bart Simpson has not given the "GG." 348 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:59,873 And the diamonite mine he planted in the dragon turds 349 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,642 is exploding now. 350 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,477 (cheering) 351 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:07,414 Springfield is going to the world championships 352 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:11,751 in Seoul, South Korea, while the Canadian team is out. 353 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:12,986 -Huh? -"Out"? 354 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,988 (sighs) "Oot." 355 00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,390 -Yo, what the...? Oh, come on, what's that all about? -(grumbling) 356 00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:18,758 And I am, too. 357 00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,393 This is the last match I'll announce. 358 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,695 I'm going to spend my time oil painting, 359 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,032 but my wife says not in the house. 360 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,502 Hey, sweetie, what's going on? 361 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,939 I'm only talking to you now to prove a point. 362 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,941 You've been spending all your time with Bart, 363 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,709 and you haven't paid any attention to me at all. 364 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,946 And I know you're just gonna respond with a, 365 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:41,881 "That's nice, honey," and move on. I know it. 366 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,283 That's nice, honey. 367 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,019 Bart and I are going to South Korea. 368 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:49,356 It'll be great, Lisa. We'll have girls time here. 369 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,691 Bake cookies, see the movies we want to see. 370 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,861 Mom, I try to spare you because I don't want you feeling 371 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,698 thoroughly appropriate guilt for what this family does to me, 372 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,368 but now one of my dreams is within my grasp. 373 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,869 See? 374 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:06,873 I want to go to South Korea, to the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery, 375 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,643 because they teach something there so special, so magic, 376 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,212 it could be life-changing. 377 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,815 It just never seemed possible, and I had to accept it. 378 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:17,985 I'm holding onto a thin rope here, 379 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:21,054 because if Bart and Dad go to Seoul and I miss out, 380 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,489 I'll lose my grip. 381 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,291 (shouts) I'm losing it now! 382 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:28,095 Hear me, hear me, dear God, someone hear me. 383 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,263 Help me before it's too late! 384 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,099 Girls trip to South Korea. 385 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,833 Oh, thank you, Mom. 386 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,169 I'm going down to the basement to get my happy diary. 387 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,437 You do that. 388 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,278 ♪ 389 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,484 Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles. 390 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,686 It's a complete Thanksgiving dinner. 391 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,588 Pringles are for champions only. 392 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,290 Milhouse, can I have a word with you? 393 00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:00,127 Oh, no. This is never, ever good. 394 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,429 (chuckles): Don't worry. This will be good. 395 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,997 I lied. This is really bad. 396 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,266 Son, the rules say that we get to swap in 397 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,869 one player for this round, and I'm asking you to step down. 398 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:12,339 I'm always the one that has to step down. 399 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,174 That's why I chose you. 400 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,377 -You've got rejection muscle. -Fine. 401 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,779 Good boy. You're our Rudy. 402 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,949 -Rudy got to play. -I didn't say which Rudy. 403 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,519 Can't you give me a pity job, like scorekeeper? 404 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,121 Fine, you're scorekeeper. 405 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,323 I don't want your pity job. 406 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:33,860 Dad, I think you need a little more salt in your diet. 407 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,862 Where are you taking us? 408 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,135 You know, I don't want to be here. 409 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,670 Shh. We're here. 410 00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,973 Are you sure these are safe here? 411 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,810 No, this whole temple is a scam to collect smelly shoes. 412 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,845 I knew it. 413 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,647 This is what I was talking about. 414 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,249 These are salt mandalas. 415 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,917 This will change our lives. 416 00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,986 Start pouring the salt. 417 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,955 ♪ 418 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,528 Yum. Mm. 419 00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,732 That's so beautiful. 420 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:15,935 I finally understand why you had to come here. 421 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,870 So how do we get it home? 422 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,107 I worry about it in my carry-on. 423 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,908 I'm gonna need a lot of glue. 424 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,511 -We don't. We destroy it. -What? 425 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:28,014 To prove attachment to any material pursuit is meaningless. 426 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,750 I'll start. 427 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:32,752 Mom, you're tidying it. 428 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,122 Destroy it. 429 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,224 Are you happy now? Because... 430 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,959 (gasps) I am. 431 00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,629 Yes. You've achieved Zen. 432 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,897 Now you just have to do two more. 433 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:47,134 -MARGE: Hmm. -I'm gonna go check on Dad. 434 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,871 You have been wasting your talents bowling. 435 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,373 You have to destroy it. 436 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,208 Never! Never! Never! 437 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,009 (sneezes) Damn it! 438 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,249 Now do you see it? Do you see the meaninglessness 439 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,217 of striving for worldly things? 440 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,719 (gasps) I do. 441 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,722 I am going to stop being so driven and ambitious... 442 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,958 Don't you laugh, Missy. 443 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,060 Amazing Zen. 444 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,329 He's like the reincarnation of the Buddha. 445 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,134 -(both gasp) -It is the Buddha. 446 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,936 Great. Now I feel guilty I stole his shoes. 447 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,517 ♪ 448 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,486 ANNOUNCER: We're in the late game, 449 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,488 and the Evergreen Terrors have a narrow lead 450 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,423 against the Brazilian Blowouts, but... 451 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,958 where is Coach Homer Simpson? 452 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,664 Competition is meaningless. 453 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,810 To strive is to fail. 454 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,779 Out of nowhere, the mind comes forth. 455 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,482 And a third thing. 456 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,087 Time for the lava quadball. 457 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,227 We're gonna win. Dad's crazy coaching worked. 458 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:24,130 If I win, I'll be the most famous girl gamer of all time. 459 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,898 Also, if I lose. 460 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:31,003 So beautiful. Must destroy. 461 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,578 -(crowd groaning) -No! Not now. 462 00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:40,680 -(electrical buzzing) -(crowd gasping) 463 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,218 (crowd shouting) 464 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:46,686 ANNOUNCER: The match is canceled. No refunds. 465 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,187 Send in the riot police. 466 00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,390 (slow piano version of "Suicide Is Painless" plays) 467 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,040 ♪ 468 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:23,022 PILOT: Uh, welcome to our 19-hour-and-45-minute flight 469 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,525 from Seoul, South Korea to Springfield. 470 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,695 One brief note: Our in-flight entertainment system 471 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263 is not working at all. 472 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,864 Have a great flight, folks. 473 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,866 -Also, we're out of almonds. -(Homer groans) 474 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,469 Zen. Remember your Zen. 475 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,771 I'm sorry, you're too fat for coach. 476 00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,640 We'll have to put you in first class. 477 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,443 Thanks to Buddha, I win again. 478 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:46,379 Dad, I don't think you've quite grasped the religion. 479 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,215 Two words: Boo-duh. 480 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,484 (Lisa grumbles) 481 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:02,962 (snoring) 482 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:06,098 We don't want you anymore. You blew it. 483 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,101 Your son has a chance to be well-adjusted. 484 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,504 -(all jeering) -Yeah, great. 485 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,440 Wait, I've got a baby daughter. 486 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,442 Maybe she's good at beach volleyball. 487 00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:16,943 How old is she? 488 00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,445 -One. -Too late. 489 00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,367 Shh!