CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
Welcome to lecture number eight on the water balloon.
Yesterday I asked everyone
to think of other liquids you could fill a balloon with.
Water? (groans)
Thank you, Nelson. Anyone else?
Hot sauce?
Kearney, that could blind someone.
-You get an "A." -(grunts)
Now, for a practical demonstration.
First, we load the ordnance...
then select the target.
Hmm, not Otto--
He'd drive us off a cliff.
Off a cliff? That would solve everything!
(laughing): Whoa-ho-ho.
Bingo.
Bart!
(grunting and groaning)
Why can't you be friends, like me and Mr. Finger?
You've betrayed me for the last time.
-(grunting and groaning) -RALPH: Ow.
Horseplay on a school bus? Has the world gone mad?
Your stop!
(screams)
(screeching)
Shame on you two creeps!
It's your fault, for giving birth to my archenemy!
At least I was planned.
(grunting and groaning)
Stop it! No one was planned!
Now, we have to pack
for Great-Uncle Tyrone's birthday tomorrow.
In Dayton!
Dayton, Ohio!
-Oh! -Oh!
It's got Wright-Patterson Air Force Base
and a zipper museum!
They have a zipper from every James Bond!
Why are we even going?
Last year, Uncle Tyrone was bitter and depressed.
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
Why won't I die?
MARGE: We're staying at the Dayton Arms Hotel.
It got three diamonds from Five Diamond magazine!
Please don't make us go.
If you make me get on that plane,
I'll give myself diarrhea! I know how!
Okay, don't go.
Just stay here and rot with Grampa.
I'm only rotting on the right side.
I'll right-side you!
All right, kids, you don't have to go.
But I insist we do something tonight as a family.
We'll play board games, put photos in an album,
measure how much you've grown...
What is your deal, anyway?
Well, I-I...
Let's just rent a movie.
Hmm...
Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
(gasps, then groans)
(laughing, grunts)
Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says
the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
I say you don't exist!
No, I'm right here, under "Staff."
What I want is a really good "weeper."
What about Love Story?
It's about a Harvard chick that puts out for a guy
and then croaks.
And it saved Paramount Studios for Charlie Bluhdorn.
Ooh!
A chick flick?!
Oh, say it ain't so, ho!
Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady
has certain "payoffs."
Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate?
Exactly.
HOMER: ♪ Where do I begin ♪
♪ To tell the story of how great a love can be? ♪
♪ The sweet love story that is older than the sea ♪
♪ The simple something that dum-deedle-dum-dee-dee ♪
♪ Now let's push play. ♪
RYAN O' NEAL: What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?
BART: I say bury her, before she starts to smell.
-(chuckles) -Bart!
The man asked a question.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
No, it doesn't!
This movie is drivel!
She's wooden and unpleasant,
and no matter what he does, he's still Ryan O'Neal.
Opinion noted.
Now, if you don't mind, your father and I
are trying to lose ourselves in this romantic fantasy.
Yeah, we're tryin' to create a mood here,
so shut the hell up!
(grunting)
Homie, if I died, would you be sad?
Eh, well, I wouldn't be happy.
Aw, Homie.
Love means never having to say...
...a whole canoe made of baloney?!
(laughs)
Bart, stop fooling with the remote!
Lisa made me! With a witch's spell!
It's called Wicca, and it's empowering!
Wicca's a Hollywood fad!
That's Kabala, jerk!
(grunting and groaning)
Stupid kids ruin everything.
So, um... you're not in the mood anymore, are you.
Homie, you know I'm usually good for a triple-X throwdown,
but between those kids and going to Uncle Tyrone's,
we can't be alone.
We're alone now.
BART: You're never alone in this crapshack!
Why, you little...!
(grunts)
(Bart's strangled groans)
What kind of an airline routes all their flights through Nome, Alaska?
It's their hub.
Homie, look at them!
(excited, indistinct conversation)
Honeymooners--
no kids, no worries.
Here's your future!
(laughs)
Not me, I do crunches.
Remember our honeymoon?
(Hawaiian music plays)
(crow squawks, dog howls)
Oh, I've gotta get back to work.
Hold that thought.
(retching)
WOMAN (over P.A.): Attention Miami passengers,
Suntan Airlines is now boarding rows
"Piña Colada" through "Daiquiri."
(cheering)
You know, if we were younger and crazier,
we'd trade in these tickets and run off to Miami!
Marge, let's do it.
What about Uncle Tyrone?
We got one weekend to ourselves, and we gotta spend it
watching some old geezer's odometer turn over?
As the Bible says: "Screw that!"
We don't have boarding passes, but we need to get on that plane
for reasons that are utterly insane.
Go ahead, what do I care?
I'm getting laid off tomorrow.
(giggling)
We're ditching our kids and taking a second honeymoon!
(cheering)
And we're blowing off Uncle Tyrone's birthday!
(cheering louder)
You guys are such party animals,
we're gonna skip the safety check and just take off!
(cheering louder)
I'm afraid we've overbooked this flight...
(groans)
So much for getting my groove back.
...so we're upgrading you to first class.
There's a first class?
Sir, what would you like for dinner?
A steak, or two steaks?
Can I have both?
Of course.
This is so luxurious.
I feel like I'm Princess Grace
and Princess Di smashed together.
And look at me. I'm reading The Economist.
Did you know Indonesia is at a crossroads?
-No! -It is.
BROCKMAN: I guess you could call him
the little tortoise that couldn't.
See our Web site for the recipe.
This just in-- a monster tornado
is tearing through Dayton, Ohio.
(gasps)
That's where Mom and Dad are!
BROCKMAN: Looks like the twister
is headed right for the Dayton Arms Hotel.
(screaming)
They might not be dead.
They could be in the basement.
Oh... I'm an orphan.
I'm a legal guardian.
-(ringing) -How can I be a parent?
I break my teeth on ribbon candy.
(groans)
Quiet, Grampa.
Hello... Mom?
Hi, sweetie.
We're just calling to check in.
Where are you? Are you okay?
Right here in Dayton.
(snickering)
(glasses clink)
At the Dayton Arms Hotel?
Yup. It's really boring.
You kids would have hated it.
(giggles)
So, how's the weather in Dayton?
Oh, you know, typical boring Dayton weather.
(moans)
Hey, do I hear a back rub?
No, no, that's the, uh,
the noise the phone makes
when you've been on too long.
Bye now. Love you.
Something's fishy.
They're not in Dayton, they're somewhere fun.
We're not enough fun for them?
Well, I know how to find out where they are.
WOMAN: Swelldorado Hotel Miami Beach,
"Sun and water without your son and daughter."
How may I direct your call?
I can't go to Miami.
I'm expecting calls from telemarketers!
You'll love it.
It's full of sexy old widows who don't want to die alone.
Waah-ha!
All right, ladies, get ready to settle.
Boy, it's great being here
without those children of yours.
Yeah, I've never sat by a pool this long
without having to apologize to someone.
And tonight, we'll finally, and romantically, hump.
Here's to life without children.
Well, we can't wait to have kids.
(hysterical laughter)
"Can't wait."
(laughing)
No, seriously, with the new breast pumps
and Diaper Genies and corporate flex-time,
child-rearing ought to be a snap.
(laughing)
You keep thinking that.
We're here!
And it's a good thing, too.
The car's been driving funny since Orlando.
Everything happens to Eemore.
Let's go find Mom and Dad!
First let's slap on some Band-Aids,
so they feel really bad for ditching us.
Time to find a woman who needs some TLC--
a tired liver-spotted coot.
( Miami Vice theme plays)
(horns honking)
(hip-hop music blasts)
(swing melody): ♪ ...In the army now ♪
♪ A-blowin' reveille ♪
♪ He's the boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B... ♪
Check out the well-aged beef.
No scar.
He must be on his first heart.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed for dying.
(purring)
Hey, handsome,
pull up a donut and sit down.
Hey, ladies! I used to be in movies.
(women muttering excitedly)
You know those feet sticking out from under the house
in The Wizard of Oz?
You're looking at them.
(shuddering)
♪ Come on, everybody, have some sexual congress ♪
♪ Not the kind of congress that contained Paul Tsongas... ♪
(gasping)
The kids tracked us down.
(groans)
Our romantic holiday
just became a stinkin' family vacation.
Marge, I won't let that happen.
We have to grab this chance for romance now,
or we'll never be alone.
Not till Lisa's in college
and we've lost contact with Bart.
You're right, but where do we go?
I've got a card that can take us anywhere in the world.
MARGE: Step on it!
Those horn-dogs-- they ditched us again.
You know what this means?
We have a free hotel room in Miami for two days?
No, we're going to follow them across this great land,
making sure they don't have one moment of fun.
And I have a card that can take us anywhere they go.
MAN: I'm sorry.
We're not supposed to give out
passengers' itineraries.
I understand.
Hey, what's that crazy girl doing?
I'm going into the Gold Medallion Club,
with silver-level membership.
(crazed laughter)
The hell you are!
(cocks gun)
So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City...
...but their luggage isn't.
(evil chuckling)
And Homer's getting the low-fat meal.
HOMER: No!
You're more boring than my husband,
and he's dead.
Well, I bet I smell better.
At the moment, it's about even.
I can't wait till we bury the last of you Hepburn types.
-Really! -(moans)
Perhaps I can help.
I have a penthouse from which
you can see all the way to EPCOT.
If you take a woman there,
she will be yours.
Hot ziggety!
Indeed. I am Raoul.
While we walk, may I place my hand
on your shoulder as a sign of friendship?
Why not?
(passionate moaning)
Homie, people in the other elevators can see us.
Oh, yeah, like people in New Jersey
have never seen a fat man making out.
It's on the freakin' state flag.
Oh, my God, Homie-- look!
(grunting)
That boy failed show and tell,
but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes.
Hey, how you doing?
I'm fighting a white rhino
today at the Tropicana.
Shows at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00, 8:00, 10:00 and midnight.
Check it out. Come on.
Hey, kids, I'm tying balloons on the boardwalk
at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00, 9:00 and 11:00.
Check it out, come on, don't be ridiculous.
(espionage-flavored jazz playing)
(music continues)
(music fades)
(snoring)
(knocking)
Occupied!
(snoring)
GRAMPA: Okay, Raoul,
let's go meet some senoritas!
Grampa, I must confess.
I am not as interested in women
as my open shirt might suggest.
To be frank, they disgust me.
Uh-oh.
Yes.
Now, let us enjoy one of your rambling,
disjointed yet somehow erotic tales.
Are you going to go lavender on me?
We shall see, eh?
But I promise you I will treasure
every word that drops from your beautiful lips.
Really?
You're sweet.
Proceed.
For many years, I was a tater farmer,
but the shameful truth is, the taters farmed me.
Your neck skin dances when you speak.
At last, we're alone.
(sings stripper music)
Homie, the waiter's still here.
Oh, right.
Thank you, sir.
(chuckles)
And now, my darling, it's finally time for romance.
But before the intercourse, the dinner course.
Busted!
You guys lied to us!
You probably do this all the time.
This whole family
is built on a tissue of lies and romance!
Yeah, it's a tissue,
covered in blood and boogers!
Would you two just shut up!
Sure, we lied.
We lied so we could spend a single night
as a married couple without worrying about you kids.
Those days are over. Give it up.
(sighs)
You win, kids.
Just sleep here tonight
and we'll all go back to Springfield tomorrow.
Great! What do you want to play?
How about "The Floor is Made of Lava?"
(kids laughing)
(bedsprings squeaking)
All I wanted was a second honeymoon,
and now the floor is made of lava.
Lise, you awake?
Yeah, I can't sleep.
Maybe we should give Mom and Dad a break.
You know, go spend the day in an amusement park
so we're out of their hair.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, you are pretty annoying.
I guess the hunt was more fun than the catch.
Hey, I just zinged you.
I know. My new thing is to ignore you.
When you grow up, I'll be outside.
I'm grown up! I'm grown up!
I knew if we got up early enough,
we could sneak away from Bart and Lisa.
Kids don't beat me, I beat kids.
And nobody does it better.
(screaming)
You monsters! You followed us!
No, you don't understand.
We came here to give you some privacy and...
We understand perfectly well!
Let me finish my sentence.
Never!
This way!
Quick, we can hide in here!
I don't know.
Homie, why don't we just go home,
wait till the kids fall asleep,
and have sex in the car?
Because I was saving that for my birthday.
Now, come on.
(laughing)
Ooh!
This must be what it's like to be in space.
You've been to space?!
And yet, I've never been to me.
HOMER: That sliding should stop soon.
This rolling is just temporary.
Ah, that's better.
So why do they call this place Niagara Falls, anyway?
(screaming)
Back off, Canadians. We got them.
You back off, hosers.
They're in Canadian waters, eh!
Beat it, you puck-slapping maple-suckers!
Take a hike, you Shatner-stealing Mexico-touchers!
(men grunting)
Oh, Marge, I guess we'll just have
to make love in Heaven.
I bet it always works up there.
Shut up and kiss me, you doomed hunk.
MAN: Ahoy, moon bounce!
Is anyone alive?
More alive than any of you squares!
(gibbering happily)
(both laughing wildly)
HOMER: Ow! You're on my hair!
Oh... that's better.
Well, it looks like everything worked out
just fine for everybody.
FLANDERS: Hey, my credit card bill
seems a little chunky this month.
Let's see what's going on vis-à-vis the Viza.
This...
(shrieks)
(screams)
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
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