1
00:00:03,729 --> 00:00:06,672
(humming happily)
2
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,066
Oh Krusty-o, oh Krusty-o,
3
00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,677
wherefore art thou, Krusty-o?
4
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,828
Yo, yo, Julie-ech.
5
00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:17,090
To pie or not to pie?
6
00:00:17,092 --> 00:00:19,259
That is no question!
7
00:00:19,261 --> 00:00:20,627
(laughs)
8
00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:24,690
(crickets chirping)
9
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,358
Well, the crickets get it,
10
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,343
and they're the toughest
insects to please.
11
00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:30,512
But what happened
to my audience?
12
00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:31,513
(snores)
13
00:00:31,515 --> 00:00:34,199
This is supposed
to be a kids' show.
14
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,110
Sorry, Krusty. Kids
are no longer into your show.
15
00:00:37,112 --> 00:00:39,096
Yeah, kids prefer
TikTok, Instagram,
16
00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:40,781
going to church,
dentist appointments,
17
00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:42,432
even getting bullied.
18
00:00:42,434 --> 00:00:44,359
The only way
we can get an audience
19
00:00:44,361 --> 00:00:46,694
is to bring in loose seniors
who are lost at the mall.
20
00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,363
We were lied to.
21
00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:50,774
We were promised
air conditioning.
22
00:00:50,776 --> 00:00:52,626
There is air conditioning.
23
00:00:52,628 --> 00:00:54,444
Turn it down! I'm freezing!
24
00:00:54,446 --> 00:00:56,722
Okay, so maybe I did lose touch
25
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,223
with my audience in the '90s.
26
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,726
-What year is this?
-(whispers)
27
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,561
2000 and what?!
28
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,638
I need new material.
Where are my writers?
29
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,232
(whispers)
30
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,476
They're buried where?!
31
00:01:09,478 --> 00:01:10,360
(groans)
32
00:01:11,721 --> 00:01:13,072
I tell you, Krusty,
33
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:15,816
the heyday of
the TV clown ended
34
00:01:15,818 --> 00:01:17,892
when parents
found out that Ovaltine
35
00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:21,305
was just sugared mud. (laughs)
36
00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:22,897
Everyone's gotten out.
37
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,399
Oingo, Boingo,
38
00:01:24,401 --> 00:01:26,827
Penny Nickels, Knick Knack,
Paddywhack,
39
00:01:26,829 --> 00:01:28,312
the cast of The View,
40
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:30,738
Dungaree Dave, Sadsy.
41
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:32,791
Sad to see Sadsy go.
42
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,985
Oh, not Leaky Pants.
43
00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:37,321
He'd never quit.
He was born to it.
44
00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:40,324
When his mother's water broke,
it was seltzer.
45
00:01:40,326 --> 00:01:41,658
Cheese for your scampi?
46
00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:43,602
Leaky? No!
47
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,605
Also, can I buy all
your material for $7,800?
48
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,832
No way.
49
00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:50,517
Fine, I'll just steal it.
50
00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:53,779
Little Debbie Dimples,
you're the wisest of us all.
51
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,172
What do we do?!
52
00:01:55,174 --> 00:01:56,523
I don't know.
53
00:01:56,525 --> 00:01:59,860
I'm as cute and
adorable as I ever was.
54
00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:01,862
Check out my trademark pout.
55
00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,347
(forced laugh)
56
00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:06,533
Oh, it hurts so much to do that.
57
00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,544
(hacking coughs)
58
00:02:10,022 --> 00:02:13,114
What we need is
new, young clowns.
59
00:02:13,116 --> 00:02:16,451
But who's teaching 'em? Nobody.
60
00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:19,396
Wait a minute. If I started
a school for clowns,
61
00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:21,122
I could save our profession.
62
00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:22,532
But would I make money?
63
00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:24,959
What's private school
tuition these days?
64
00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:26,562
(whispering)
65
00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:29,797
Yow!
66
00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:32,376
Yeah, hey, you could sell
the students comedy props.
67
00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:36,321
Like those dollar sign contacts
you're wearing. (chuckles)
68
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,714
It's not a prop.
69
00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:39,849
It's scarring from
a drive-through LASIK's clinic.
70
00:02:39,851 --> 00:02:43,053
Little tip: Put the car in park.
71
00:02:43,055 --> 00:02:46,832
Dimples, this
school idea is genius.
72
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,392
Any more advice?
73
00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:51,912
Yes. The most important
thing in comedy is...
74
00:02:51,914 --> 00:02:53,005
is...
75
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,732
uh, um...
76
00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:57,009
What? What?!
77
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,011
Fine, don't tell me.
78
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,679
What is it?
What could it be?
79
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,830
Why won't she tell me?
80
00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:04,016
Is it being funny?
81
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,909
Is it big shoes? What?
82
00:03:05,911 --> 00:03:06,760
Now, listen here, Bozo,
83
00:03:06,762 --> 00:03:09,170
you can't just open a school
84
00:03:09,172 --> 00:03:10,430
and expect to be certified.
85
00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:13,692
That's right, you need
psychological evaluations,
86
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,194
educational degrees.
87
00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,755
I think you'll find
every document you need
88
00:03:18,757 --> 00:03:20,515
in this envelope.
89
00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:23,427
No cash.
Now I only take Griftr.
90
00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:24,611
See?
91
00:03:24,613 --> 00:03:27,188
Now, about the curriculum.
Will you teach STEM?
92
00:03:27,190 --> 00:03:31,192
Sure will. Slapstick, tumbling,
enormous shoes and mime.
93
00:03:31,194 --> 00:03:33,212
Mime?! Yeah, forget it.
94
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,439
Hey, that's great.
95
00:03:35,441 --> 00:03:37,382
Would you like to teach
mime at my school?
96
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:39,701
You've got the job.
97
00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:40,944
Sign here. Oh, no.
98
00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:43,129
The wind blew the papers away.
99
00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:46,058
Oh, catch them and put
them in your magic box.
100
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,480
(shoes squeaking)
101
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,976
Clowning is now
the most despised profession
102
00:03:55,978 --> 00:03:59,129
in America after
Supreme Court justice.
103
00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:00,814
But that will change.
104
00:04:00,816 --> 00:04:03,224
We will lift
our clown horns high
105
00:04:03,226 --> 00:04:07,471
and tell the world,
"Agagabawoogakazowie!"
106
00:04:07,473 --> 00:04:08,914
(horns honk)
107
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:13,310
Now, let's pull together
as only clowns can.
108
00:04:13,312 --> 00:04:14,753
(hysterical laughing)
109
00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:19,332
Well, whatever the hell
this is, it's starting.
110
00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:20,742
ANNOUNCER:
Tired of your kids
111
00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:21,927
being jammed into overcrowded
112
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,320
public school classrooms
113
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:26,372
with teachers who only
work nine months a year?
114
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:29,175
Ready to work
on our lesson plan?
115
00:04:29,177 --> 00:04:32,104
I plan to lessen
the amount of margarita
116
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,997
in this pitcher. (chuckles)
117
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:36,108
Teachers. They have it so easy.
118
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,335
They get to buy their own
classroom equipment,
119
00:04:38,337 --> 00:04:40,353
and people tell them what
they can and can't teach.
120
00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:41,763
What a racket.
121
00:04:41,765 --> 00:04:44,950
Then bring your kids to
the Herschel Krustofsky
122
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,101
School for the Clowning Arts.
123
00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:49,771
You'll receive a fully
rounded education.
124
00:04:49,773 --> 00:04:52,349
Math, science, balloon animals,
125
00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:55,109
and the basics of stilt safety,
126
00:04:55,111 --> 00:04:57,278
and advanced balloon animals.
127
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,464
And we've got one thing
no other school has:
128
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,041
an elephant.
129
00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:04,194
Barnum & Bailey's
had to sell this guy
130
00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:06,120
after an
unfavorable documentary.
131
00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:07,197
And I got him.
132
00:05:07,199 --> 00:05:09,141
(elephant trumpets)
133
00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:12,552
I have to go there.
134
00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:15,814
You're doing just fine
at Springfield Elementary.
135
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,223
No, I'm not. In fact,
136
00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:19,133
here are several notes
from my teachers.
137
00:05:19,135 --> 00:05:21,653
(Marge groaning)
138
00:05:24,049 --> 00:05:25,215
This could be the chance for me
139
00:05:25,217 --> 00:05:26,883
to turn my
sucked-up life around.
140
00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,810
I'll be like Lisa, but fun.
141
00:05:28,812 --> 00:05:30,812
Hey.
142
00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,556
-Mm.
-Objection withdrawn.
143
00:05:32,558 --> 00:05:35,000
Look at it this way, guys.
You got to straighten me out.
144
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,562
It's either this way
or Catholic school.
145
00:05:38,564 --> 00:05:40,005
Catholic school?
146
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,247
(both gasp)
147
00:05:41,249 --> 00:05:44,158
Te deum laudamus:
te dominum confitemur.
148
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,237
Te aeternum patrem omnis
terra veneratur.
149
00:05:47,239 --> 00:05:48,347
-(both whimpering)
-Tibi omnes Angeli;
150
00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:51,741
tibi Caeli
et universae Potestates...
151
00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:53,685
Okay, okay, you got it.
152
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,171
Kid, your grades are
nothing to "hey, hey" about,
153
00:05:57,173 --> 00:05:58,932
so sell me on you.
154
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:02,361
Well, sir, I've been voted
class clown three years running.
155
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,696
Impressive.
I never won anything.
156
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,347
My publicist got me one of those
157
00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:09,926
"In Memoriam" segments once,
but I was alive.
158
00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:13,930
(somber music plays)
159
00:06:13,932 --> 00:06:16,099
It was great
to see my face up there,
160
00:06:16,101 --> 00:06:17,525
although it got booed.
161
00:06:17,527 --> 00:06:19,119
Still, this application has...
162
00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:21,863
What's the educational
term for it?
163
00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:23,382
"The stink of a loser."
164
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:24,791
Oh, man.
165
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,443
Wait a minute. Now, see here.
166
00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:29,629
Maybe my kid is a loser,
but he's an alpha loser.
167
00:06:29,631 --> 00:06:32,391
The one that all
the other losers blindly follow.
168
00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:34,784
Whatever Bart's joining,
I'm joining.
169
00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:38,063
And I'll pay whatever it takes.
Here are all my pin numbers.
170
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,565
Take them. Come on, take them.
171
00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:45,128
Kid, you've shown me the way.
172
00:06:45,130 --> 00:06:47,981
The bottom of the barrel
is lined with gold.
173
00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:50,742
Now bring me every
rotten apple in the barrel.
174
00:06:51,820 --> 00:06:53,060
Hmm.
175
00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:56,806
Krusty, mein old pal.
Showbiz man hug.
176
00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,825
(groaning):
Yeah.
177
00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:01,327
I want to present
mein son, Dieter.
178
00:07:01,329 --> 00:07:05,090
I think he would be an excellent
candidate for your akademi.
179
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,317
Shut up, Dad, you has-been.
180
00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:09,002
Enough of the wisenheiming.
181
00:07:09,004 --> 00:07:11,321
My son is a special boy,
182
00:07:11,323 --> 00:07:13,098
so special, no decent
school will take him.
183
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,268
But he has a gift
for the comedy, like me.
184
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,103
We Germans have a word for it.
185
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,272
Komische einstellung
186
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,333
Strikenhaltentseinenlieber-
schvancer...
187
00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:24,592
Wow.
188
00:07:24,594 --> 00:07:25,685
I wasn't finished.
189
00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:28,188
...einezwugzangshteifel.
190
00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:29,614
Let's cut to the chase.
Are we in?
191
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,099
I don't know,
we got a lot of applications.
192
00:07:32,101 --> 00:07:35,178
-(rips check)
-Oh, he's in, all right.
193
00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:37,363
That's Malibu rehab money!
194
00:07:37,365 --> 00:07:39,699
Son, let's get you
some ice cream
195
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,126
and a new Lamborghini.
196
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,702
-Whatever.
-(phone keys clicking)
197
00:07:42,704 --> 00:07:43,795
Holy crap.
198
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,780
I could afford another marriage.
199
00:07:45,782 --> 00:07:47,632
And just in time. (groans)
200
00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:58,143
You see this, Dad?
I'm trying to be
201
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,644
an educator, just like you.
202
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:03,315
Like all great teachers,
my motivation is money.
203
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,526
If you've got a problem,
give me a sign.
204
00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:09,637
Nothing? Nothing.
205
00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:13,216
That's the most positive
thing you've ever said to me.
206
00:08:13,218 --> 00:08:15,142
I'll take that as, uh,
207
00:08:15,144 --> 00:08:17,721
"I admit to being your father."
208
00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,556
Okay, Lisa,
209
00:08:19,558 --> 00:08:21,725
here are your
multicolor note cards.
210
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,484
Bart, your honk horn.
211
00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:25,912
Why do you need this
for English class?
212
00:08:25,914 --> 00:08:27,397
I don't know and I don't care.
213
00:08:27,399 --> 00:08:29,065
Ah-ooga.
214
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,634
(honking horn)
215
00:08:31,828 --> 00:08:33,253
Bart, what have I told you about
216
00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:35,129
riding a unicycle
in the kitchen?
217
00:08:35,131 --> 00:08:36,756
Nothing. It's never come up.
218
00:08:36,758 --> 00:08:38,332
Hmm.
219
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:43,188
"No turnip tossing,
no unhappy pancake faces."
220
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,190
You know, you're right.
221
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,100
Listen, I don't
want to spoil a party...
222
00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,601
-Yes, you do.
-Okay,
223
00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,678
but I don't enjoy it.
224
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,696
Again, you do.
225
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,423
Okay, but I feel guilty.
226
00:08:53,425 --> 00:08:55,441
-No, you don't.
-Shut up.
227
00:08:55,443 --> 00:08:56,760
Let me speak.
228
00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:59,112
Are we sure Bart is
going to a real school?
229
00:08:59,114 --> 00:09:00,613
(honks horn)
230
00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:03,208
Lisa, don't
step on his enthusiasm.
231
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,878
This combines a boy's
two most natural desires:
232
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,621
To be with his family
233
00:09:08,623 --> 00:09:11,032
while running away
to join the circus.
234
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,717
Lis, for the first time,
235
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,219
I feel like you do about school.
236
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,555
Can you understand that feeling?
237
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,056
Oh, my God, I can.
238
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,391
(fart noise)
239
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,785
Cut the treacle.
That's what clowns do.
240
00:09:21,787 --> 00:09:22,952
(laughs)
241
00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:24,020
(growls)
242
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,132
Anyone seen my glasses?
243
00:09:36,134 --> 00:09:37,483
(squeaking)
244
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,061
Those actually
make you look cooler.
245
00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:41,638
Haw-haw!
246
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:42,488
Ha-haw-haw!
247
00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:43,990
Ha-haw-haw-haw!
248
00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:48,402
Who was the first clown to wear
the double-winged neck ruff?
249
00:09:49,164 --> 00:09:50,830
My hand is going up.
What's happening?
250
00:09:50,832 --> 00:09:52,957
Yes, Bart?
251
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,092
First clown with neck ruff.
252
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,819
Pickel-herring.
Dortmund, Germany.
253
00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:56,928
Very good.
254
00:09:56,930 --> 00:10:00,432
First female clown, U.S.?
255
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:03,101
Amelia Butler,
Royal Amphitheater.
256
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,845
Very good. First...
257
00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:06,771
Oh, my God, I'm striving.
258
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,515
And I know what
"striving" means.
259
00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:14,095
Now for a demonstration
of the parabolic curve.
260
00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:16,406
(laughs)
261
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:19,859
(groaning)
262
00:10:19,861 --> 00:10:22,495
(laughing)
263
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,365
Laughter is the best medicine.
264
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:28,442
Except for synthetic opiates.
265
00:10:28,444 --> 00:10:31,354
(laughs)
266
00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:33,915
(playing slide whistles)
267
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,952
(plays "Entry of the Gladiators"
by Julius Fucik)
268
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,028
(sneezes)
269
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:42,623
(Marge humming)
270
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:44,217
(chuckles)
271
00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:45,310
You know the rules, boy.
272
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,479
In this house,
I get the first shower
273
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,814
and the last pork chop.
274
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,317
♪
275
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,048
Why, you...
276
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,534
genius. (laughs)
277
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,055
He deflected his father's rage.
278
00:11:06,057 --> 00:11:08,149
I'm so proud.
279
00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:14,155
("Yakety Sax"
by Boots Randolph playing)
280
00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:16,900
What is that
beautiful instrument?
281
00:11:16,902 --> 00:11:18,251
It's a saxophone.
282
00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:20,845
Why don't you play
a fun thing like that?
283
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,422
I play it every night.
284
00:11:22,424 --> 00:11:24,424
Well, why can't you
be more yakety?
285
00:11:24,426 --> 00:11:27,501
Mom, tell Dad I'm plenty yakety.
286
00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:30,930
Well, a little more
wouldn't hurt.
287
00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:34,526
("Yakety Sax" plays
at slower tempo)
288
00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:39,180
(clears throat)
Springfield Elementary children,
289
00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:40,699
are you ready?
290
00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:45,595
My mechanical pencil nib
is extruded to the ideal length.
291
00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:47,096
Good to see you, pal.
292
00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:48,189
First question.
293
00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:50,041
Category: Science.
294
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,619
This lighter-than-air gas...
295
00:11:53,621 --> 00:11:55,529
(high-pitched):
Helium.
296
00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,425
-BOTH (high-pitched):
Helium. Helium.
-Correct.
297
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:04,389
Children, remember
this inspirational thought.
298
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,040
You will have to
make up the schoolwork
299
00:12:06,042 --> 00:12:08,876
you missed during this time.
300
00:12:08,878 --> 00:12:10,395
Great speech.
301
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,956
This is a good time
to remind you
302
00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:15,233
you're banned from my funeral.
303
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:19,320
Time for the final
question in math.
304
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,224
Give the equation for
305
00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,410
a parabolic curve.
306
00:12:27,063 --> 00:12:28,329
(honking horn)
307
00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:35,236
Y equals X squared
plus a constant C.
308
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:38,314
That answer is... correct.
309
00:12:38,316 --> 00:12:39,573
This is a Hollywood ending,
310
00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:41,593
except Hollywood doesn't
write endings anymore.
311
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,153
They just tease the sequels.
312
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:45,746
Krusty...
313
00:12:45,748 --> 00:12:47,265
Sorry, no autographs, selfies,
314
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,675
charitable requests,
subpoenas or...
315
00:12:49,677 --> 00:12:51,752
I came to say thank you.
316
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:52,604
What?
317
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,105
Never heard that before.
318
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,516
I hate to say it,
but I was almost,
319
00:12:56,518 --> 00:13:00,520
almost, starting to
lose hope in my son.
320
00:13:00,522 --> 00:13:04,841
Then you turned him around.
God bless you, Krusty.
321
00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:06,576
Wow.
322
00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:11,864
♪
323
00:13:11,866 --> 00:13:13,199
Here's a subpoena.
324
00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:15,018
Eh, I'm still happy.
325
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:16,519
Dad, I did it.
326
00:13:16,521 --> 00:13:19,705
I finally did something
both of us can be proud of.
327
00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:20,965
And you didn't see it.
328
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,693
Even though you lived to be 97.
329
00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,194
-VOICE: Krusty?
-Yeah.
330
00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:27,880
Krusty, my boy.
331
00:13:27,882 --> 00:13:29,365
I hear you.
332
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,292
Krusty, I would like to
333
00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,553
become a partner in your school.
334
00:13:33,555 --> 00:13:36,889
A Carnegie to your Mellon,
as it were.
335
00:13:36,891 --> 00:13:39,225
Aw, the mob wants in.
336
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:41,468
Running a school is
a dangerous business.
337
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,230
I foresee possible
boiler explosions,
338
00:13:44,232 --> 00:13:46,232
Taco Tuesday trichinosis,
339
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:49,828
a mysterious increase
in owies and boo-boos.
340
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:52,163
But I can prevent these things.
341
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,165
Are you threatening me?
342
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,060
Well, since you
insist on discussing
343
00:13:57,062 --> 00:13:59,671
the elephant in the room,
344
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,656
he will be working for me now.
345
00:14:02,658 --> 00:14:07,011
Oh, why does every
performing animal turn on me?
346
00:14:08,406 --> 00:14:10,331
-(elephant trumpets)
-Are you still mad
347
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,225
I separated you from your child?
348
00:14:14,837 --> 00:14:16,762
Look, you guys already control
349
00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:18,339
waste management, casinos,
350
00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:20,933
farmers' markets
and Girl Scout cookies.
351
00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,252
What do you want
with a stupid school?
352
00:14:23,254 --> 00:14:26,388
Our organization has
run out of revenue streams.
353
00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:30,443
The best drugs are sold
by the nice lady at Walgreens.
354
00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:32,704
Gambling is
so legally available,
355
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,263
it's not fun anymore.
356
00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:36,023
Meanwhile, Harvard and Yale
357
00:14:36,025 --> 00:14:38,525
jacked their tuition up
ten percent annually
358
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,954
when they already got
90 billion in the bank.
359
00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:44,048
I just found out
we're down $100.
360
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,958
Send out more envelopes!
361
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,793
(licking)
362
00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:50,037
I want out of loan sharking,
363
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:52,131
and into student loans.
364
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,617
Talk about a vig. Whoa!
365
00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:58,563
Education is
the last untapped scam
366
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,123
left in America.
367
00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:02,883
Plus, I've always admired
the stone-cold ruthlessness
368
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,236
of teachers unions.
369
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,812
And if that teacher's a nun,
370
00:15:06,814 --> 00:15:08,297
you can kiss
your knuckles goodbye.
371
00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:09,966
Talk about whacking.
372
00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:12,301
Fat Tony, let me
be honest with you.
373
00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:14,470
I got an agent, a manager,
374
00:15:14,472 --> 00:15:17,081
two personal shoppers
and a Shabbos goy.
375
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,358
There are no percents left
for me to give.
376
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:23,312
And for the first time in my
life as a children's show host,
377
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:26,165
I think I'm actually
helping kids.
378
00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:29,076
No, let me be honest with you.
379
00:15:29,078 --> 00:15:32,579
We can do this
the easy way or...
380
00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:34,157
You win.
381
00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:35,600
Now, one more thing.
382
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:39,103
Tell me you like me
and make me believe it.
383
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:42,165
I like you. I like you.
384
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:45,168
No one could
fake a kiss that wet.
385
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:47,445
(horns honking)
386
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,009
Why aren't you traffic monitors
387
00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,619
managing this drop-off?
388
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,179
He's on a no-show job.
389
00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:57,938
Me? I'm a no-work.
390
00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:00,850
I'm a no-show?
Then what am I doing here?
391
00:16:00,852 --> 00:16:02,776
I thought you liked my company.
392
00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:03,962
Eh, I like it. I don't love it.
393
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,705
(horns honking)
394
00:16:06,191 --> 00:16:08,357
Where are all the markers?
395
00:16:08,359 --> 00:16:11,285
They're selling them across
the border in Ogdenville
396
00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:13,696
without paying
the dry erase tax.
397
00:16:13,698 --> 00:16:16,365
♪
398
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,125
-(tires screech)
-Have you got any reds, man?
399
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:19,626
Nobody's got reds!
400
00:16:19,628 --> 00:16:21,220
Two hundo a bag.
401
00:16:21,222 --> 00:16:23,297
That's not cool. You're taking
advantage of my addiction
402
00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:25,274
to highlighting
important material, man.
403
00:16:27,303 --> 00:16:30,046
You are late with your envelope.
404
00:16:30,048 --> 00:16:31,155
Tough tamales.
405
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,639
You see these mashed potatoes?
406
00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:34,066
Yeah.
407
00:16:34,068 --> 00:16:36,494
What if we make you eat them?
408
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,571
No!
409
00:16:38,573 --> 00:16:39,998
(straining)
410
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,319
You're right, Dad.
411
00:16:45,413 --> 00:16:47,396
It's time I stopped
being a terrified clown
412
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:50,066
and started being
a terrified educator.
413
00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:52,010
I'm going to stand up like a man
414
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,828
and rat them out
behind their backs.
415
00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:56,431
(horn honks)
416
00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:02,261
Yeah, sorry, Krusty,
but the police have
417
00:17:02,263 --> 00:17:04,413
no jurisdiction
in private schools,
418
00:17:04,415 --> 00:17:06,507
private clubs, private homes.
419
00:17:06,509 --> 00:17:10,028
Basically any place outside
the police station. (chuckles)
420
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,529
Are you willing to wear a wire?
421
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,681
I will, but I must warn you,
I'm super ticklish.
422
00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:17,851
(laughs)
423
00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:19,186
I'm not even touching you.
424
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:20,946
But I know you're gonna.
425
00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:22,265
(laughs)
426
00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,600
So, uh, we figured it's best
427
00:17:24,602 --> 00:17:27,453
to put the microphone
in the squirting flower.
428
00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,789
Gotcha. Does the flower
still squirt?
429
00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:31,382
Actually, if you squirt it,
430
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,867
you'll be immediately
electrocuted. Yeah.
431
00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:35,428
(groans)
432
00:17:36,798 --> 00:17:39,373
Full house. Jacks over eights.
433
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:41,284
What do you got,
Johnny Tight Lips?
434
00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:42,802
Could be the winning hand,
435
00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:44,604
but I'll never tell.
436
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,458
Just what our card game needed,
437
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:50,735
a joker.
438
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,053
Uh, yeah. Don't mind me.
439
00:17:53,055 --> 00:17:55,965
Just keep playing
and talking freely.
440
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:57,133
Okay.
441
00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:58,968
Hey, Krusty, do the flower bit.
442
00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:02,563
I love that gag.
Hey, let me be the foil.
443
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,065
(laughing nervously):
Yeah, well, uh...
444
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,325
Come on, funny man.
445
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,753
Squirt me
right between the eyes.
446
00:18:09,738 --> 00:18:12,131
What are you waiting for, clown?
447
00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,076
One of us is
going to be splattered
448
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:18,412
in the next five seconds.
449
00:18:18,414 --> 00:18:20,323
Damn it, lost another witness.
450
00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:22,683
How's our memorial wall
looking, Lou?
451
00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:24,827
Don't give me that look.
452
00:18:24,829 --> 00:18:27,730
I told you we needed
a bigger wall. I said it.
453
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,926
-(zapping)
-(shouts)
454
00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,019
(laughter)
455
00:18:34,021 --> 00:18:35,855
This guy is hilarious.
456
00:18:35,857 --> 00:18:37,857
He's wearing a wire.
457
00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:40,934
Any last words?
458
00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,662
(slide whistles, horns honking)
459
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:49,293
No one messes with
the principal we actually like.
460
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,963
Boss, these kids are
making me feel dizzy and guilty.
461
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,965
Silenzio.
462
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:58,194
Maybe there is a more
civilized solution.
463
00:18:58,196 --> 00:19:02,198
After all, we Romans
invented civilization.
464
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,124
No, we didn't, we stole it
from the Greeks.
465
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,035
(exasperated shout)
466
00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:07,720
Krusty, what if
there was a way
467
00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:09,463
that I could get my money
468
00:19:09,465 --> 00:19:12,650
and you would
no longer have me to fear?
469
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,301
I'm listening.
470
00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:16,712
Oh, you're burning
the school down
471
00:19:16,714 --> 00:19:18,156
for the insurance money?
472
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:20,825
You get an A-plus in math.
473
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,718
(siren wailing)
474
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:23,736
(tires screech)
475
00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:26,330
♪
476
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,914
ALL (high-pitched):
Oh, no!
477
00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:36,507
What do I do
with this extra gas?
478
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,734
-Use it in your car.
-Don't need it.
479
00:19:38,736 --> 00:19:40,252
I drive a Nissan Leaf.
480
00:19:40,254 --> 00:19:43,306
Idiota. I'll leaf you.
481
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:49,762
I finally did something
you could be proud of,
482
00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:50,930
and now it's gone.
483
00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:52,248
Not true, man.
484
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,916
You made a difference
in my life,
485
00:19:53,918 --> 00:19:55,359
and that'll never change.
486
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,420
He's right. The boy has learned
487
00:19:57,422 --> 00:19:59,438
that if he gives a damn,
he will succeed.
488
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,759
And that false hope will
carry him a long, long way.
489
00:20:03,761 --> 00:20:05,428
Aw, thanks, but I'm afraid
490
00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:08,097
I'll need more
than that to cheer me up.
491
00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:10,632
Hmm. Want to get some nachos?
492
00:20:10,634 --> 00:20:12,101
Did you say "naches,"
493
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:14,270
the Yiddish word for
"fatherly pride"?
494
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:16,363
No, I said "nachos,"
the Mexican word
495
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:18,123
for cheese-covered chips.
496
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,292
It's a sign from my father.
497
00:20:20,294 --> 00:20:22,628
My father finally has naches.
498
00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:24,797
I said, "nachos."
499
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,374
Chipotle on me.
500
00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:30,394
Timing. The most important
thing is timing.
501
00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:32,897
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
502
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,623
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
503
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,642
and TOYOTA.
504
00:20:36,644 --> 00:20:38,027
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
505
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:44,483
Here are
the morning announcements.
506
00:20:44,485 --> 00:20:45,576
You children have
507
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,152
the greatest gift of all.
508
00:20:47,154 --> 00:20:50,155
You cannot be tried as adults.
509
00:20:50,157 --> 00:20:52,658
Today is Italian American Day.
510
00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,144
As is every other day forever.
511
00:20:55,146 --> 00:20:57,162
Do not go in the meat locker
512
00:20:57,164 --> 00:20:58,831
no matter what you hear.
513
00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,591
If you see something,
514
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,094
you didn't see nothing.
515
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,820
And all further announcements
516
00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:05,763
will be made from
517
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,098
my uncle's doctor's office
518
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,157
because the Feds
519
00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:09,767
can't wire that place.
520
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,010
Good day.
521
00:21:11,012 --> 00:21:13,646
♪
522
00:21:28,696 --> 00:21:30,454
Shh!