1 00:00:03,729 --> 00:00:06,672 (humming happily) 2 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,066 Oh Krusty-o, oh Krusty-o, 3 00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,677 wherefore art thou, Krusty-o? 4 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,828 Yo, yo, Julie-ech. 5 00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:17,090 To pie or not to pie? 6 00:00:17,092 --> 00:00:19,259 That is no question! 7 00:00:19,261 --> 00:00:20,627 (laughs) 8 00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:24,690 (crickets chirping) 9 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,358 Well, the crickets get it, 10 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,343 and they're the toughest insects to please. 11 00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:30,512 But what happened to my audience? 12 00:00:30,514 --> 00:00:31,513 (snores) 13 00:00:31,515 --> 00:00:34,199 This is supposed to be a kids' show. 14 00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,110 Sorry, Krusty. Kids are no longer into your show. 15 00:00:37,112 --> 00:00:39,096 Yeah, kids prefer TikTok, Instagram, 16 00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:40,781 going to church, dentist appointments, 17 00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:42,432 even getting bullied. 18 00:00:42,434 --> 00:00:44,359 The only way we can get an audience 19 00:00:44,361 --> 00:00:46,694 is to bring in loose seniors who are lost at the mall. 20 00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:48,363 We were lied to. 21 00:00:48,365 --> 00:00:50,774 We were promised air conditioning. 22 00:00:50,776 --> 00:00:52,626 There is air conditioning. 23 00:00:52,628 --> 00:00:54,444 Turn it down! I'm freezing! 24 00:00:54,446 --> 00:00:56,722 Okay, so maybe I did lose touch 25 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,223 with my audience in the '90s. 26 00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,726 -What year is this? -(whispers) 27 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,561 2000 and what?! 28 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,638 I need new material. Where are my writers? 29 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,232 (whispers) 30 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,476 They're buried where?! 31 00:01:09,478 --> 00:01:10,360 (groans) 32 00:01:11,721 --> 00:01:13,072 I tell you, Krusty, 33 00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:15,816 the heyday of the TV clown ended 34 00:01:15,818 --> 00:01:17,892 when parents found out that Ovaltine 35 00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:21,305 was just sugared mud. (laughs) 36 00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:22,897 Everyone's gotten out. 37 00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,399 Oingo, Boingo, 38 00:01:24,401 --> 00:01:26,827 Penny Nickels, Knick Knack, Paddywhack, 39 00:01:26,829 --> 00:01:28,312 the cast of The View, 40 00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:30,738 Dungaree Dave, Sadsy. 41 00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:32,791 Sad to see Sadsy go. 42 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,985 Oh, not Leaky Pants. 43 00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:37,321 He'd never quit. He was born to it. 44 00:01:37,323 --> 00:01:40,324 When his mother's water broke, it was seltzer. 45 00:01:40,326 --> 00:01:41,658 Cheese for your scampi? 46 00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:43,602 Leaky? No! 47 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,605 Also, can I buy all your material for $7,800? 48 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,832 No way. 49 00:01:48,834 --> 00:01:50,517 Fine, I'll just steal it. 50 00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:53,779 Little Debbie Dimples, you're the wisest of us all. 51 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,172 What do we do?! 52 00:01:55,174 --> 00:01:56,523 I don't know. 53 00:01:56,525 --> 00:01:59,860 I'm as cute and adorable as I ever was. 54 00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:01,862 Check out my trademark pout. 55 00:02:01,864 --> 00:02:03,347 (forced laugh) 56 00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:06,533 Oh, it hurts so much to do that. 57 00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,544 (hacking coughs) 58 00:02:10,022 --> 00:02:13,114 What we need is new, young clowns. 59 00:02:13,116 --> 00:02:16,451 But who's teaching 'em? Nobody. 60 00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:19,396 Wait a minute. If I started a school for clowns, 61 00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:21,122 I could save our profession. 62 00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:22,532 But would I make money? 63 00:02:22,534 --> 00:02:24,959 What's private school tuition these days? 64 00:02:24,961 --> 00:02:26,562 (whispering) 65 00:02:27,464 --> 00:02:29,797 Yow! 66 00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:32,376 Yeah, hey, you could sell the students comedy props. 67 00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:36,321 Like those dollar sign contacts you're wearing. (chuckles) 68 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,714 It's not a prop. 69 00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:39,849 It's scarring from a drive-through LASIK's clinic. 70 00:02:39,851 --> 00:02:43,053 Little tip: Put the car in park. 71 00:02:43,055 --> 00:02:46,832 Dimples, this school idea is genius. 72 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,392 Any more advice? 73 00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:51,912 Yes. The most important thing in comedy is... 74 00:02:51,914 --> 00:02:53,005 is... 75 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,732 uh, um... 76 00:02:55,734 --> 00:02:57,009 What? What?! 77 00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,011 Fine, don't tell me. 78 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,679 What is it? What could it be? 79 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,830 Why won't she tell me? 80 00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:04,016 Is it being funny? 81 00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,909 Is it big shoes? What? 82 00:03:05,911 --> 00:03:06,760 Now, listen here, Bozo, 83 00:03:06,762 --> 00:03:09,170 you can't just open a school 84 00:03:09,172 --> 00:03:10,430 and expect to be certified. 85 00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:13,692 That's right, you need psychological evaluations, 86 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,194 educational degrees. 87 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,755 I think you'll find every document you need 88 00:03:18,757 --> 00:03:20,515 in this envelope. 89 00:03:20,517 --> 00:03:23,427 No cash. Now I only take Griftr. 90 00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:24,611 See? 91 00:03:24,613 --> 00:03:27,188 Now, about the curriculum. Will you teach STEM? 92 00:03:27,190 --> 00:03:31,192 Sure will. Slapstick, tumbling, enormous shoes and mime. 93 00:03:31,194 --> 00:03:33,212 Mime?! Yeah, forget it. 94 00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,439 Hey, that's great. 95 00:03:35,441 --> 00:03:37,382 Would you like to teach mime at my school? 96 00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:39,701 You've got the job. 97 00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:40,944 Sign here. Oh, no. 98 00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:43,129 The wind blew the papers away. 99 00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:46,058 Oh, catch them and put them in your magic box. 100 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,480 (shoes squeaking) 101 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,976 Clowning is now the most despised profession 102 00:03:55,978 --> 00:03:59,129 in America after Supreme Court justice. 103 00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:00,814 But that will change. 104 00:04:00,816 --> 00:04:03,224 We will lift our clown horns high 105 00:04:03,226 --> 00:04:07,471 and tell the world, "Agagabawoogakazowie!" 106 00:04:07,473 --> 00:04:08,914 (horns honk) 107 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:13,310 Now, let's pull together as only clowns can. 108 00:04:13,312 --> 00:04:14,753 (hysterical laughing) 109 00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:19,332 Well, whatever the hell this is, it's starting. 110 00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:20,742 ANNOUNCER: Tired of your kids 111 00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:21,927 being jammed into overcrowded 112 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,320 public school classrooms 113 00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:26,372 with teachers who only work nine months a year? 114 00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:29,175 Ready to work on our lesson plan? 115 00:04:29,177 --> 00:04:32,104 I plan to lessen the amount of margarita 116 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,997 in this pitcher. (chuckles) 117 00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:36,108 Teachers. They have it so easy. 118 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,335 They get to buy their own classroom equipment, 119 00:04:38,337 --> 00:04:40,353 and people tell them what they can and can't teach. 120 00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:41,763 What a racket. 121 00:04:41,765 --> 00:04:44,950 Then bring your kids to the Herschel Krustofsky 122 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,101 School for the Clowning Arts. 123 00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:49,771 You'll receive a fully rounded education. 124 00:04:49,773 --> 00:04:52,349 Math, science, balloon animals, 125 00:04:52,351 --> 00:04:55,109 and the basics of stilt safety, 126 00:04:55,111 --> 00:04:57,278 and advanced balloon animals. 127 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,464 And we've got one thing no other school has: 128 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,041 an elephant. 129 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:04,194 Barnum & Bailey's had to sell this guy 130 00:05:04,196 --> 00:05:06,120 after an unfavorable documentary. 131 00:05:06,122 --> 00:05:07,197 And I got him. 132 00:05:07,199 --> 00:05:09,141 (elephant trumpets) 133 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:12,552 I have to go there. 134 00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:15,814 You're doing just fine at Springfield Elementary. 135 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,223 No, I'm not. In fact, 136 00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:19,133 here are several notes from my teachers. 137 00:05:19,135 --> 00:05:21,653 (Marge groaning) 138 00:05:24,049 --> 00:05:25,215 This could be the chance for me 139 00:05:25,217 --> 00:05:26,883 to turn my sucked-up life around. 140 00:05:26,885 --> 00:05:28,810 I'll be like Lisa, but fun. 141 00:05:28,812 --> 00:05:30,812 Hey. 142 00:05:30,814 --> 00:05:32,556 -Mm. -Objection withdrawn. 143 00:05:32,558 --> 00:05:35,000 Look at it this way, guys. You got to straighten me out. 144 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:38,562 It's either this way or Catholic school. 145 00:05:38,564 --> 00:05:40,005 Catholic school? 146 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,247 (both gasp) 147 00:05:41,249 --> 00:05:44,158 Te deum laudamus: te dominum confitemur. 148 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,237 Te aeternum patrem omnis terra veneratur. 149 00:05:47,239 --> 00:05:48,347 -(both whimpering) -Tibi omnes Angeli; 150 00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:51,741 tibi Caeli et universae Potestates... 151 00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:53,685 Okay, okay, you got it. 152 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,171 Kid, your grades are nothing to "hey, hey" about, 153 00:05:57,173 --> 00:05:58,932 so sell me on you. 154 00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:02,361 Well, sir, I've been voted class clown three years running. 155 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,696 Impressive. I never won anything. 156 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,347 My publicist got me one of those 157 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:09,926 "In Memoriam" segments once, but I was alive. 158 00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:13,930 (somber music plays) 159 00:06:13,932 --> 00:06:16,099 It was great to see my face up there, 160 00:06:16,101 --> 00:06:17,525 although it got booed. 161 00:06:17,527 --> 00:06:19,119 Still, this application has... 162 00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:21,863 What's the educational term for it? 163 00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:23,382 "The stink of a loser." 164 00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:24,791 Oh, man. 165 00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,443 Wait a minute. Now, see here. 166 00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:29,629 Maybe my kid is a loser, but he's an alpha loser. 167 00:06:29,631 --> 00:06:32,391 The one that all the other losers blindly follow. 168 00:06:32,393 --> 00:06:34,784 Whatever Bart's joining, I'm joining. 169 00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:38,063 And I'll pay whatever it takes. Here are all my pin numbers. 170 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,565 Take them. Come on, take them. 171 00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:45,128 Kid, you've shown me the way. 172 00:06:45,130 --> 00:06:47,981 The bottom of the barrel is lined with gold. 173 00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:50,742 Now bring me every rotten apple in the barrel. 174 00:06:51,820 --> 00:06:53,060 Hmm. 175 00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:56,806 Krusty, mein old pal. Showbiz man hug. 176 00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,825 (groaning): Yeah. 177 00:06:58,827 --> 00:07:01,327 I want to present mein son, Dieter. 178 00:07:01,329 --> 00:07:05,090 I think he would be an excellent candidate for your akademi. 179 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,317 Shut up, Dad, you has-been. 180 00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:09,002 Enough of the wisenheiming. 181 00:07:09,004 --> 00:07:11,321 My son is a special boy, 182 00:07:11,323 --> 00:07:13,098 so special, no decent school will take him. 183 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,268 But he has a gift for the comedy, like me. 184 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,103 We Germans have a word for it. 185 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,272 Komische einstellung 186 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,333 Strikenhaltentseinenlieber- schvancer... 187 00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:24,592 Wow. 188 00:07:24,594 --> 00:07:25,685 I wasn't finished. 189 00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:28,188 ...einezwugzangshteifel. 190 00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:29,614 Let's cut to the chase. Are we in? 191 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,099 I don't know, we got a lot of applications. 192 00:07:32,101 --> 00:07:35,178 -(rips check) -Oh, he's in, all right. 193 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:37,363 That's Malibu rehab money! 194 00:07:37,365 --> 00:07:39,699 Son, let's get you some ice cream 195 00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:41,126 and a new Lamborghini. 196 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,702 -Whatever. -(phone keys clicking) 197 00:07:42,704 --> 00:07:43,795 Holy crap. 198 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,780 I could afford another marriage. 199 00:07:45,782 --> 00:07:47,632 And just in time. (groans) 200 00:07:56,051 --> 00:07:58,143 You see this, Dad? I'm trying to be 201 00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,644 an educator, just like you. 202 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:03,315 Like all great teachers, my motivation is money. 203 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,526 If you've got a problem, give me a sign. 204 00:08:08,213 --> 00:08:09,637 Nothing? Nothing. 205 00:08:09,639 --> 00:08:13,216 That's the most positive thing you've ever said to me. 206 00:08:13,218 --> 00:08:15,142 I'll take that as, uh, 207 00:08:15,144 --> 00:08:17,721 "I admit to being your father." 208 00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,556 Okay, Lisa, 209 00:08:19,558 --> 00:08:21,725 here are your multicolor note cards. 210 00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,484 Bart, your honk horn. 211 00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:25,912 Why do you need this for English class? 212 00:08:25,914 --> 00:08:27,397 I don't know and I don't care. 213 00:08:27,399 --> 00:08:29,065 Ah-ooga. 214 00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,634 (honking horn) 215 00:08:31,828 --> 00:08:33,253 Bart, what have I told you about 216 00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:35,129 riding a unicycle in the kitchen? 217 00:08:35,131 --> 00:08:36,756 Nothing. It's never come up. 218 00:08:36,758 --> 00:08:38,332 Hmm. 219 00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:43,188 "No turnip tossing, no unhappy pancake faces." 220 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,190 You know, you're right. 221 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,100 Listen, I don't want to spoil a party... 222 00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,601 -Yes, you do. -Okay, 223 00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,678 but I don't enjoy it. 224 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,696 Again, you do. 225 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,423 Okay, but I feel guilty. 226 00:08:53,425 --> 00:08:55,441 -No, you don't. -Shut up. 227 00:08:55,443 --> 00:08:56,760 Let me speak. 228 00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:59,112 Are we sure Bart is going to a real school? 229 00:08:59,114 --> 00:09:00,613 (honks horn) 230 00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:03,208 Lisa, don't step on his enthusiasm. 231 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,878 This combines a boy's two most natural desires: 232 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,621 To be with his family 233 00:09:08,623 --> 00:09:11,032 while running away to join the circus. 234 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,717 Lis, for the first time, 235 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,219 I feel like you do about school. 236 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,555 Can you understand that feeling? 237 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,056 Oh, my God, I can. 238 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,391 (fart noise) 239 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,785 Cut the treacle. That's what clowns do. 240 00:09:21,787 --> 00:09:22,952 (laughs) 241 00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:24,020 (growls) 242 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,132 Anyone seen my glasses? 243 00:09:36,134 --> 00:09:37,483 (squeaking) 244 00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,061 Those actually make you look cooler. 245 00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:41,638 Haw-haw! 246 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:42,488 Ha-haw-haw! 247 00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:43,990 Ha-haw-haw-haw! 248 00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:48,402 Who was the first clown to wear the double-winged neck ruff? 249 00:09:49,164 --> 00:09:50,830 My hand is going up. What's happening? 250 00:09:50,832 --> 00:09:52,957 Yes, Bart? 251 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,092 First clown with neck ruff. 252 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,819 Pickel-herring. Dortmund, Germany. 253 00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:56,928 Very good. 254 00:09:56,930 --> 00:10:00,432 First female clown, U.S.? 255 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:03,101 Amelia Butler, Royal Amphitheater. 256 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,845 Very good. First... 257 00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:06,771 Oh, my God, I'm striving. 258 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,515 And I know what "striving" means. 259 00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:14,095 Now for a demonstration of the parabolic curve. 260 00:10:14,097 --> 00:10:16,406 (laughs) 261 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:19,859 (groaning) 262 00:10:19,861 --> 00:10:22,495 (laughing) 263 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,365 Laughter is the best medicine. 264 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:28,442 Except for synthetic opiates. 265 00:10:28,444 --> 00:10:31,354 (laughs) 266 00:10:31,356 --> 00:10:33,915 (playing slide whistles) 267 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,952 (plays "Entry of the Gladiators" by Julius Fucik) 268 00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,028 (sneezes) 269 00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:42,623 (Marge humming) 270 00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:44,217 (chuckles) 271 00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:45,310 You know the rules, boy. 272 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,479 In this house, I get the first shower 273 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,814 and the last pork chop. 274 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,317 ♪ 275 00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,048 Why, you... 276 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,534 genius. (laughs) 277 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,055 He deflected his father's rage. 278 00:11:06,057 --> 00:11:08,149 I'm so proud. 279 00:11:08,151 --> 00:11:14,155 ("Yakety Sax" by Boots Randolph playing) 280 00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:16,900 What is that beautiful instrument? 281 00:11:16,902 --> 00:11:18,251 It's a saxophone. 282 00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:20,845 Why don't you play a fun thing like that? 283 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,422 I play it every night. 284 00:11:22,424 --> 00:11:24,424 Well, why can't you be more yakety? 285 00:11:24,426 --> 00:11:27,501 Mom, tell Dad I'm plenty yakety. 286 00:11:27,503 --> 00:11:30,930 Well, a little more wouldn't hurt. 287 00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:34,526 ("Yakety Sax" plays at slower tempo) 288 00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:39,180 (clears throat) Springfield Elementary children, 289 00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:40,699 are you ready? 290 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:45,595 My mechanical pencil nib is extruded to the ideal length. 291 00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:47,096 Good to see you, pal. 292 00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:48,189 First question. 293 00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:50,041 Category: Science. 294 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,619 This lighter-than-air gas... 295 00:11:53,621 --> 00:11:55,529 (high-pitched): Helium. 296 00:11:55,531 --> 00:11:58,425 -BOTH (high-pitched): Helium. Helium. -Correct. 297 00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:04,389 Children, remember this inspirational thought. 298 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,040 You will have to make up the schoolwork 299 00:12:06,042 --> 00:12:08,876 you missed during this time. 300 00:12:08,878 --> 00:12:10,395 Great speech. 301 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,956 This is a good time to remind you 302 00:12:12,958 --> 00:12:15,233 you're banned from my funeral. 303 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:19,320 Time for the final question in math. 304 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,224 Give the equation for 305 00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,410 a parabolic curve. 306 00:12:27,063 --> 00:12:28,329 (honking horn) 307 00:12:31,993 --> 00:12:35,236 Y equals X squared plus a constant C. 308 00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:38,314 That answer is... correct. 309 00:12:38,316 --> 00:12:39,573 This is a Hollywood ending, 310 00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:41,593 except Hollywood doesn't write endings anymore. 311 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,153 They just tease the sequels. 312 00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:45,746 Krusty... 313 00:12:45,748 --> 00:12:47,265 Sorry, no autographs, selfies, 314 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,675 charitable requests, subpoenas or... 315 00:12:49,677 --> 00:12:51,752 I came to say thank you. 316 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:52,604 What? 317 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,105 Never heard that before. 318 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,516 I hate to say it, but I was almost, 319 00:12:56,518 --> 00:13:00,520 almost, starting to lose hope in my son. 320 00:13:00,522 --> 00:13:04,841 Then you turned him around. God bless you, Krusty. 321 00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:06,576 Wow. 322 00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:11,864 ♪ 323 00:13:11,866 --> 00:13:13,199 Here's a subpoena. 324 00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:15,018 Eh, I'm still happy. 325 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:16,519 Dad, I did it. 326 00:13:16,521 --> 00:13:19,705 I finally did something both of us can be proud of. 327 00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:20,965 And you didn't see it. 328 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,693 Even though you lived to be 97. 329 00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,194 -VOICE: Krusty? -Yeah. 330 00:13:25,196 --> 00:13:27,880 Krusty, my boy. 331 00:13:27,882 --> 00:13:29,365 I hear you. 332 00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,292 Krusty, I would like to 333 00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,553 become a partner in your school. 334 00:13:33,555 --> 00:13:36,889 A Carnegie to your Mellon, as it were. 335 00:13:36,891 --> 00:13:39,225 Aw, the mob wants in. 336 00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:41,468 Running a school is a dangerous business. 337 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,230 I foresee possible boiler explosions, 338 00:13:44,232 --> 00:13:46,232 Taco Tuesday trichinosis, 339 00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:49,828 a mysterious increase in owies and boo-boos. 340 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:52,163 But I can prevent these things. 341 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,165 Are you threatening me? 342 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,060 Well, since you insist on discussing 343 00:13:57,062 --> 00:13:59,671 the elephant in the room, 344 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,656 he will be working for me now. 345 00:14:02,658 --> 00:14:07,011 Oh, why does every performing animal turn on me? 346 00:14:08,406 --> 00:14:10,331 -(elephant trumpets) -Are you still mad 347 00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,225 I separated you from your child? 348 00:14:14,837 --> 00:14:16,762 Look, you guys already control 349 00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:18,339 waste management, casinos, 350 00:14:18,341 --> 00:14:20,933 farmers' markets and Girl Scout cookies. 351 00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,252 What do you want with a stupid school? 352 00:14:23,254 --> 00:14:26,388 Our organization has run out of revenue streams. 353 00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:30,443 The best drugs are sold by the nice lady at Walgreens. 354 00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:32,704 Gambling is so legally available, 355 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,263 it's not fun anymore. 356 00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:36,023 Meanwhile, Harvard and Yale 357 00:14:36,025 --> 00:14:38,525 jacked their tuition up ten percent annually 358 00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:41,954 when they already got 90 billion in the bank. 359 00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:44,048 I just found out we're down $100. 360 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,958 Send out more envelopes! 361 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,793 (licking) 362 00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:50,037 I want out of loan sharking, 363 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:52,131 and into student loans. 364 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,617 Talk about a vig. Whoa! 365 00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:58,563 Education is the last untapped scam 366 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,123 left in America. 367 00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:02,883 Plus, I've always admired the stone-cold ruthlessness 368 00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,236 of teachers unions. 369 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,812 And if that teacher's a nun, 370 00:15:06,814 --> 00:15:08,297 you can kiss your knuckles goodbye. 371 00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:09,966 Talk about whacking. 372 00:15:09,968 --> 00:15:12,301 Fat Tony, let me be honest with you. 373 00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:14,470 I got an agent, a manager, 374 00:15:14,472 --> 00:15:17,081 two personal shoppers and a Shabbos goy. 375 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,358 There are no percents left for me to give. 376 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:23,312 And for the first time in my life as a children's show host, 377 00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:26,165 I think I'm actually helping kids. 378 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:29,076 No, let me be honest with you. 379 00:15:29,078 --> 00:15:32,579 We can do this the easy way or... 380 00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:34,157 You win. 381 00:15:34,159 --> 00:15:35,600 Now, one more thing. 382 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:39,103 Tell me you like me and make me believe it. 383 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:42,165 I like you. I like you. 384 00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:45,168 No one could fake a kiss that wet. 385 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:47,445 (horns honking) 386 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,009 Why aren't you traffic monitors 387 00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,619 managing this drop-off? 388 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,179 He's on a no-show job. 389 00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:57,938 Me? I'm a no-work. 390 00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:00,850 I'm a no-show? Then what am I doing here? 391 00:16:00,852 --> 00:16:02,776 I thought you liked my company. 392 00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:03,962 Eh, I like it. I don't love it. 393 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,705 (horns honking) 394 00:16:06,191 --> 00:16:08,357 Where are all the markers? 395 00:16:08,359 --> 00:16:11,285 They're selling them across the border in Ogdenville 396 00:16:11,287 --> 00:16:13,696 without paying the dry erase tax. 397 00:16:13,698 --> 00:16:16,365 ♪ 398 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,125 -(tires screech) -Have you got any reds, man? 399 00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:19,626 Nobody's got reds! 400 00:16:19,628 --> 00:16:21,220 Two hundo a bag. 401 00:16:21,222 --> 00:16:23,297 That's not cool. You're taking advantage of my addiction 402 00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:25,274 to highlighting important material, man. 403 00:16:27,303 --> 00:16:30,046 You are late with your envelope. 404 00:16:30,048 --> 00:16:31,155 Tough tamales. 405 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,639 You see these mashed potatoes? 406 00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:34,066 Yeah. 407 00:16:34,068 --> 00:16:36,494 What if we make you eat them? 408 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,571 No! 409 00:16:38,573 --> 00:16:39,998 (straining) 410 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,319 You're right, Dad. 411 00:16:45,413 --> 00:16:47,396 It's time I stopped being a terrified clown 412 00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:50,066 and started being a terrified educator. 413 00:16:50,068 --> 00:16:52,010 I'm going to stand up like a man 414 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,828 and rat them out behind their backs. 415 00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:56,431 (horn honks) 416 00:16:59,460 --> 00:17:02,261 Yeah, sorry, Krusty, but the police have 417 00:17:02,263 --> 00:17:04,413 no jurisdiction in private schools, 418 00:17:04,415 --> 00:17:06,507 private clubs, private homes. 419 00:17:06,509 --> 00:17:10,028 Basically any place outside the police station. (chuckles) 420 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,529 Are you willing to wear a wire? 421 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,681 I will, but I must warn you, I'm super ticklish. 422 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:17,851 (laughs) 423 00:17:17,853 --> 00:17:19,186 I'm not even touching you. 424 00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:20,946 But I know you're gonna. 425 00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:22,265 (laughs) 426 00:17:22,267 --> 00:17:24,600 So, uh, we figured it's best 427 00:17:24,602 --> 00:17:27,453 to put the microphone in the squirting flower. 428 00:17:27,455 --> 00:17:29,789 Gotcha. Does the flower still squirt? 429 00:17:29,791 --> 00:17:31,382 Actually, if you squirt it, 430 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,867 you'll be immediately electrocuted. Yeah. 431 00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:35,428 (groans) 432 00:17:36,798 --> 00:17:39,373 Full house. Jacks over eights. 433 00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:41,284 What do you got, Johnny Tight Lips? 434 00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:42,802 Could be the winning hand, 435 00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:44,604 but I'll never tell. 436 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,458 Just what our card game needed, 437 00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:50,735 a joker. 438 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,053 Uh, yeah. Don't mind me. 439 00:17:53,055 --> 00:17:55,965 Just keep playing and talking freely. 440 00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:57,133 Okay. 441 00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:58,968 Hey, Krusty, do the flower bit. 442 00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:02,563 I love that gag. Hey, let me be the foil. 443 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,065 (laughing nervously): Yeah, well, uh... 444 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,325 Come on, funny man. 445 00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,753 Squirt me right between the eyes. 446 00:18:09,738 --> 00:18:12,131 What are you waiting for, clown? 447 00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,076 One of us is going to be splattered 448 00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:18,412 in the next five seconds. 449 00:18:18,414 --> 00:18:20,323 Damn it, lost another witness. 450 00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:22,683 How's our memorial wall looking, Lou? 451 00:18:23,511 --> 00:18:24,827 Don't give me that look. 452 00:18:24,829 --> 00:18:27,730 I told you we needed a bigger wall. I said it. 453 00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,926 -(zapping) -(shouts) 454 00:18:32,928 --> 00:18:34,019 (laughter) 455 00:18:34,021 --> 00:18:35,855 This guy is hilarious. 456 00:18:35,857 --> 00:18:37,857 He's wearing a wire. 457 00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:40,934 Any last words? 458 00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,662 (slide whistles, horns honking) 459 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:49,293 No one messes with the principal we actually like. 460 00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,963 Boss, these kids are making me feel dizzy and guilty. 461 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,965 Silenzio. 462 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:58,194 Maybe there is a more civilized solution. 463 00:18:58,196 --> 00:19:02,198 After all, we Romans invented civilization. 464 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,124 No, we didn't, we stole it from the Greeks. 465 00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,035 (exasperated shout) 466 00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:07,720 Krusty, what if there was a way 467 00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:09,463 that I could get my money 468 00:19:09,465 --> 00:19:12,650 and you would no longer have me to fear? 469 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,301 I'm listening. 470 00:19:14,303 --> 00:19:16,712 Oh, you're burning the school down 471 00:19:16,714 --> 00:19:18,156 for the insurance money? 472 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:20,825 You get an A-plus in math. 473 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,718 (siren wailing) 474 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:23,736 (tires screech) 475 00:19:23,738 --> 00:19:26,330 ♪ 476 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:34,914 ALL (high-pitched): Oh, no! 477 00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:36,507 What do I do with this extra gas? 478 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,734 -Use it in your car. -Don't need it. 479 00:19:38,736 --> 00:19:40,252 I drive a Nissan Leaf. 480 00:19:40,254 --> 00:19:43,306 Idiota. I'll leaf you. 481 00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:49,762 I finally did something you could be proud of, 482 00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:50,930 and now it's gone. 483 00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:52,248 Not true, man. 484 00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,916 You made a difference in my life, 485 00:19:53,918 --> 00:19:55,359 and that'll never change. 486 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,420 He's right. The boy has learned 487 00:19:57,422 --> 00:19:59,438 that if he gives a damn, he will succeed. 488 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,759 And that false hope will carry him a long, long way. 489 00:20:03,761 --> 00:20:05,428 Aw, thanks, but I'm afraid 490 00:20:05,430 --> 00:20:08,097 I'll need more than that to cheer me up. 491 00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:10,632 Hmm. Want to get some nachos? 492 00:20:10,634 --> 00:20:12,101 Did you say "naches," 493 00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:14,270 the Yiddish word for "fatherly pride"? 494 00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:16,363 No, I said "nachos," the Mexican word 495 00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:18,123 for cheese-covered chips. 496 00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,292 It's a sign from my father. 497 00:20:20,294 --> 00:20:22,628 My father finally has naches. 498 00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:24,797 I said, "nachos." 499 00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,374 Chipotle on me. 500 00:20:27,376 --> 00:20:30,394 Timing. The most important thing is timing. 501 00:20:31,956 --> 00:20:32,897 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 502 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,623 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 503 00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,642 and TOYOTA. 504 00:20:36,644 --> 00:20:38,027 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 505 00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:44,483 Here are the morning announcements. 506 00:20:44,485 --> 00:20:45,576 You children have 507 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,152 the greatest gift of all. 508 00:20:47,154 --> 00:20:50,155 You cannot be tried as adults. 509 00:20:50,157 --> 00:20:52,658 Today is Italian American Day. 510 00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,144 As is every other day forever. 511 00:20:55,146 --> 00:20:57,162 Do not go in the meat locker 512 00:20:57,164 --> 00:20:58,831 no matter what you hear. 513 00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,591 If you see something, 514 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,094 you didn't see nothing. 515 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:04,820 And all further announcements 516 00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:05,763 will be made from 517 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,098 my uncle's doctor's office 518 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,157 because the Feds 519 00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:09,767 can't wire that place. 520 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,010 Good day. 521 00:21:11,012 --> 00:21:13,646 ♪ 522 00:21:28,696 --> 00:21:30,454 Shh!