1 00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:04,378 ("Weird Al" Yankovic sings) 2 00:00:06,398 --> 00:00:08,215 (playing The Simpsons theme) 3 00:00:21,096 --> 00:00:23,004 -(cheering) -So weird. 4 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:25,691 -So, can I stay for dinner? -No. 5 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:29,403 (accordion resumes playing theme) 6 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,656 (Yankovic vocalizes) 7 00:00:37,596 --> 00:00:39,521 NARRATOR: And they'll toot their horn-honkers 8 00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:41,356 to proclaim its renown. 9 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,542 But there's one tale the townsfolk 10 00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:45,285 won't brag of or bray. 11 00:00:45,437 --> 00:00:47,604 It's what happened on Springfield's 12 00:00:47,623 --> 00:00:50,290 dum-dummiest day. 13 00:00:50,442 --> 00:00:52,384 (snoring) 14 00:00:56,706 --> 00:00:59,207 Ach! The grid is overloaded. 15 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:03,187 But who and how and where and what for? 16 00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,806 Ach! Eek! 17 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,881 Loch! Ewan! 18 00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:08,292 Crivvens! 19 00:01:08,385 --> 00:01:10,294 -(cackling) -My precious grid. 20 00:01:10,312 --> 00:01:13,363 One more daft device and she'll explode. 21 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:18,118 No! 22 00:01:23,492 --> 00:01:25,275 (coughing) 23 00:01:26,736 --> 00:01:29,904 Dear God, to mitigate the smell of emulsified eggs and vinegar, 24 00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:32,073 we'll have to close the school for weeks. 25 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:33,741 -(cheering, whooping) -Yay! -Awesome. 26 00:01:33,836 --> 00:01:35,094 -That's great! -All right! 27 00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:36,428 You clearly misheard me. 28 00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,931 I said the school will be closed. 29 00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:42,101 And we said, "woo-hoo," "awesome," 30 00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:44,344 and "that's great." 31 00:01:44,496 --> 00:01:46,346 ANNOUNCER: You're watching SportsCenter Classic. 32 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,275 Stay tuned for more exciting baseball scores from 1986. 33 00:01:50,427 --> 00:01:52,002 1986. 34 00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:54,004 I was two years old then. 35 00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,839 Or was I 30? 36 00:01:55,932 --> 00:01:57,265 COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Stressed out from IRS troubles? 37 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,617 Irreversible Mortgage? 38 00:01:58,768 --> 00:02:01,102 Chockaholic's Foot, formerly known as diabetes? 39 00:02:01,271 --> 00:02:03,196 I can make those stresses disappear 40 00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:04,698 like a shattered backboard. 41 00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:07,701 (gasps) Late-night commercial legend Shaquille O'Neal? 42 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,444 You need Tightie Mighties, 43 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,188 the compression underwear with the proven 44 00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:14,115 nerve-soothing properties of copper wire. 45 00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:15,859 Operators are standing by. 46 00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,469 It's a slam dunk. 47 00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:20,180 (gasps) That's the best kind of dunk. 48 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:22,699 For crying out loud. 49 00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:24,143 I said no more buying junk 50 00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:26,870 from late-night ads on basic cable. 51 00:02:26,889 --> 00:02:28,538 Look at all this stuff. 52 00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,223 Unkinkable garden hoses, 53 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,799 squatty potties. 54 00:02:31,877 --> 00:02:35,303 Why do you need the world's most powerful flashlight? 55 00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:36,546 Aah! 56 00:02:36,565 --> 00:02:38,973 -It has the most lumens. -(grunts) 57 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:42,310 These late-night cable hucksters are getting rich 58 00:02:42,404 --> 00:02:45,164 off gullible people like you. 59 00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:47,057 Oh, no, you're right. 60 00:02:47,226 --> 00:02:49,893 I'm as stupid as the guy who couldn't make spaghetti 61 00:02:49,986 --> 00:02:52,838 before he bought the Spaghetti Samurai. 62 00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:53,914 (snoring) 63 00:02:54,066 --> 00:02:55,065 LISA: Dad, wake up. 64 00:02:55,158 --> 00:02:56,842 Get up, dummy. 65 00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:57,901 (stammers) Huh? 66 00:02:57,994 --> 00:02:59,085 This is our classroom 67 00:02:59,238 --> 00:03:01,663 until our school doesn't smell like eggs. 68 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,533 (shudders) Homeschooling. 69 00:03:04,593 --> 00:03:07,561 Every half-assed parent's nightmare. 70 00:03:12,342 --> 00:03:14,151 Oh... 71 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,514 First law of robotics: 72 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,516 you suck. 73 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,611 Okay, so, if I have $500 in the bank, 74 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,372 and your mother wants to take two-thirds of it 75 00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:30,042 to buy a purse, when her old purse 76 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,859 is just fine... 77 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,104 You? $500 in the bank? 78 00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:36,048 What are you teaching him, science fiction? 79 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:39,609 No, real fiction, Luann. It's real fiction. 80 00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:41,611 (bell clangs) 81 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:43,037 Okay, class, 82 00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:46,132 it's time for our unit on Springfield history. 83 00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:48,618 Ooh, more pumpkin stickers for me. 84 00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:52,122 I still got room for one more between my toes. 85 00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:54,307 (shuddering laugh) 86 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,567 "Chapter four: 87 00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:57,486 a Great Endeavor." 88 00:03:59,055 --> 00:04:00,647 Today, we christen 89 00:04:00,799 --> 00:04:02,983 the Great Springfield Gazebo, 90 00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:05,577 wherein romance-minded gentlemen 91 00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:07,579 the world over may come 92 00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,081 to court their intendeds. 93 00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:11,308 This grand new structure 94 00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:13,085 shall make Springfield 95 00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:16,213 the woo-pitching capital of America. 96 00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:24,004 Gentlemen, start your ukuleles. 97 00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:26,932 GENTLEMEN: ♪ I will always ♪ 98 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:29,009 ♪ Be true ♪ 99 00:04:29,161 --> 00:04:31,419 ♪ Spend my days ♪ 100 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,680 ♪ Pitching woo ♪ 101 00:04:33,832 --> 00:04:35,107 ♪ To you... ♪ 102 00:04:35,258 --> 00:04:37,442 (ladies giggling, swooning) 103 00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:38,610 Oh, God, oh, dear God, um, 104 00:04:38,762 --> 00:04:40,946 we didn't account for the harmonic frequency 105 00:04:41,173 --> 00:04:44,116 of the wooing. It's too romantic! 106 00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,601 Please, I beg you, stop making love 107 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,437 in the old-timey sense as we understand it today. 108 00:04:49,515 --> 00:04:51,790 ♪ Not a moment I'll rue ♪ 109 00:04:51,941 --> 00:04:53,792 ♪ As I serenade you ♪ 110 00:04:54,019 --> 00:04:56,186 ♪ My sweet ♪ 111 00:04:56,204 --> 00:05:00,173 ♪ Mary Lou. ♪ 112 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,970 MARGE: Glory turned to fiasco 113 00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:07,789 for the disgraced Mayor of Springfield, 114 00:05:07,883 --> 00:05:09,808 Eustace Van Houten. 115 00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,793 (coughs) 116 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,204 Aw, soup crackers. 117 00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:16,706 -MAN 1: Charlatan! -MAN 2: Mountebank! 118 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,299 WOMAN: Dunderhead! 119 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:21,302 Dad, was he one of our relatives? 120 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,972 Yeah, he was your great-great-grandfather. 121 00:05:25,141 --> 00:05:27,233 Not so great, I guess. 122 00:05:27,386 --> 00:05:30,737 So, the Van Houtens have always been losers. 123 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,481 Not true, son. Hey, your granddad 124 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,484 once prepared a Caesar salad for Dean Martin, 125 00:05:36,578 --> 00:05:38,152 right at the table. (chuckles) 126 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:41,247 Fine, Dad. I'm gonna go to Phys Ed. 127 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,092 We're doing swimming today. 128 00:05:49,758 --> 00:05:50,849 Mm... 129 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,092 (sighs) 130 00:05:52,244 --> 00:05:53,577 My life is hard enough, 131 00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:56,613 now I find out that the school is teaching my son 132 00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:59,766 that every one of his ancestors is a loser. 133 00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,509 (groans) 134 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,696 I bought so many stupid useless products. 135 00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,940 Pretzel Straightener, Face Bidet, 136 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,368 -Spray-on Music. -(rattles) 137 00:06:09,595 --> 00:06:11,536 (The Price is Right losing horns playing) 138 00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:16,282 I'm financially ruined, 139 00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:18,210 and it's all his fault. 140 00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:21,287 Now your belly button can live the lint-free lifestyle 141 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,048 with the Navel Vac. 142 00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:25,032 And she'll like it, too. 143 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,292 She didn't. 144 00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:28,536 Shaq, you suckered me again. 145 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,556 Hey, hey, hey. I will not have you badmouthing 146 00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:33,116 Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal. 147 00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:34,559 Four-time NBA champ, 148 00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,453 rapper, actor, sheriff, 149 00:06:36,471 --> 00:06:39,046 restaurateur, black belt in Shaq-Fu, 150 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,807 Shaq belt in kung fu, 151 00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,642 and now the Big Aristotle dominates 152 00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:43,810 the late-night airwaves. 153 00:06:43,962 --> 00:06:46,129 He is living proof that anybody 154 00:06:46,148 --> 00:06:47,631 can make their dreams come true. 155 00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:51,317 You're right. If I could just think of one thing to sell 156 00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:54,061 that nobody needs and everybody wants, 157 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,396 I could pay off my bills 158 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,141 and be a super-success like Shaq. 159 00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,326 And you, Big Milhouse, stop whining. 160 00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:02,236 Somebody calls your family a loser, 161 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:03,980 you stand up for yourself. 162 00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,815 I will. 163 00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,843 (inspirational music playing) 164 00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:12,172 SKINNER: On behalf of the school board, I declare 165 00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:14,340 school is officially reopened. 166 00:07:14,493 --> 00:07:18,103 Let the free childcare and intermittent learning resume. 167 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,772 I'm here to officially protest the teaching 168 00:07:20,924 --> 00:07:23,442 of the Great Springfield Gazebo Disaster. 169 00:07:23,518 --> 00:07:25,852 It makes our children hate our town 170 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,854 and me hate myself. 171 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,355 The Gazebo Disaster? 172 00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:32,525 But we plan to tread water on that unit for months. 173 00:07:32,602 --> 00:07:33,843 We're doing two weeks 174 00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:36,696 on the substandard metal bracing alone. 175 00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:37,864 Not anymore. 176 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,699 I demand that you ban 177 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,368 Critical Brace Theory now. 178 00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,871 Sir, we're not changing our curriculum 179 00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:47,707 just to shore up the wet cardboard lean-to 180 00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:50,026 that is your family self-esteem. 181 00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:51,878 Then you leave me one choice. 182 00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,030 Until you meet my demands, 183 00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:57,200 I'm going to play this trumpet, on which 184 00:07:57,293 --> 00:08:00,537 I have no formal training. 185 00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:02,129 (dissonant playing) 186 00:08:02,224 --> 00:08:04,632 -Aah! -Mr. Van Houten, if we, 187 00:08:04,726 --> 00:08:05,892 uh, if we could just... 188 00:08:06,044 --> 00:08:08,561 Look, there's no need for brass instruments. 189 00:08:08,714 --> 00:08:11,548 For 30 years, we've been pleading with parents 190 00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:13,049 to get more involved. 191 00:08:13,068 --> 00:08:15,494 -What the hell were we thinking? -(Marge grumbles) 192 00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,076 I know Kirk is angry, 193 00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:24,744 but I'm a little worried this meeting 194 00:08:24,896 --> 00:08:26,654 will go off the rails. 195 00:08:26,823 --> 00:08:28,507 Marge, stop saying things. 196 00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,750 I'm trying to think of an amazing product 197 00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:32,569 that can get us out of debt. 198 00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:34,404 Uh... um... 199 00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:36,998 Handgun Underpants? Mm, no. 200 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,833 Uh, Bucket in a Box? 201 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,002 Spoon 2.0? Steak Bedazzler? 202 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,262 Oh... 203 00:08:42,414 --> 00:08:44,505 (clears throat) Yes, we are all here 204 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:47,842 because one lone parent raised an issue 205 00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:50,103 that he thinks is worth me missing 206 00:08:50,255 --> 00:08:52,013 the new Equalizer starring 207 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,848 that delightful Queen Latifah. 208 00:08:53,942 --> 00:08:56,350 Kirk! You, regrettably, 209 00:08:56,444 --> 00:08:57,761 have the floor. 210 00:08:57,929 --> 00:08:59,220 We need to stop teaching 211 00:08:59,222 --> 00:09:03,024 that my great-grandfather's gazebo was a disaster. 212 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,710 But it was, and it was his fault. 213 00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:09,196 His dying words were, "My bad." 214 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,957 So? Why can't our kids learn 215 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,034 about things that make our town proud? 216 00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:15,111 Like, how if you want to make a right on red, 217 00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,963 it's usually not a problem. 218 00:09:17,115 --> 00:09:19,874 Why do we have to focus on the bad stuff? 219 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,209 (indistinct chatter) 220 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,954 We completely disagree. 221 00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:28,808 It's essential that all of Springfield's darkest chapters 222 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,902 be taught: the monorail, 223 00:09:31,129 --> 00:09:32,312 Lady Gaga's visit, 224 00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:34,406 and the gazebo collapse. 225 00:09:34,557 --> 00:09:37,242 If our kids aren't made to feel ashamed of the past, 226 00:09:37,393 --> 00:09:40,987 how will they learn to be ashamed of the future? 227 00:09:41,139 --> 00:09:41,988 (indistinct chatter) 228 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,397 Look at my son. 229 00:09:43,491 --> 00:09:45,900 You think he needs to feel worse about himself 230 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,828 than he already clearly does? (grunts) 231 00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:51,648 You are doing this to him! 232 00:09:51,666 --> 00:09:53,650 (cheering) 233 00:09:53,743 --> 00:09:55,835 I agree with the bald lady. 234 00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,929 Why does history have to be hurtful? 235 00:09:58,081 --> 00:09:59,598 Every book about World War II 236 00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:01,933 makes the Germans the bad guys. 237 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,935 Stop teaching facts! 238 00:10:04,087 --> 00:10:05,937 Historical guilt is everything. 239 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,332 You snowflakes are hurting our feelings. 240 00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:11,610 Those who cannot remember the past 241 00:10:11,761 --> 00:10:13,519 are condemned to repeat it. 242 00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,615 On the other hand, those who cannot remember the past 243 00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:18,933 are condemned to repeat it. 244 00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,435 People, people, people! People. 245 00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,030 We are not going to settle this tonight. 246 00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:25,957 I move that we end this meeting 247 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,109 with everyone angry and dissatisfied. 248 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,461 All in favor? 249 00:10:29,612 --> 00:10:30,962 ALL: Boo! 250 00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:33,131 Wonderful. It's unanimous. 251 00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:33,965 Mm. 252 00:10:34,192 --> 00:10:36,042 Dad, I know this is a weird thing 253 00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:38,136 for a son to say to his father, 254 00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:40,121 but I'm proud of you. 255 00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:42,715 You actually convinced people. 256 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,033 I did? 257 00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:45,885 You the man, Kirk. 258 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:49,038 -I am? -No, you the my man. 259 00:10:49,132 --> 00:10:50,540 This marriage may have 260 00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:53,068 just got un-sexless. 261 00:10:54,303 --> 00:10:56,655 It's so sad when people can't get along. 262 00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:58,973 It causes upsetment. 263 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,142 Marge, people need to disagree 264 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,810 and have their voice shouted over. 265 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,997 That's what democracy was. Remember that? 266 00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:09,225 But everyone in this country is so divided. 267 00:11:09,244 --> 00:11:12,420 Where will all this hostility lead? 268 00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,156 I'll tell you where it leads, Homer. 269 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:18,093 Straight to the bank-- the money bank. 270 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,403 -(backboard clanks) -This is the idea 271 00:11:20,422 --> 00:11:22,663 -you've been looking for. -It is? 272 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:25,408 What's the one thing every American has in common? 273 00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:28,019 (gasps) They're furious all the time 274 00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:29,746 about everything. 275 00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:31,172 Ex-Shaq-ly. 276 00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:34,025 Now, think-- how can you make money from that? 277 00:11:34,177 --> 00:11:38,029 I know just what to do. 278 00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:39,513 Hurry up, everyone! 279 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,682 My thing's coming on. 280 00:11:41,776 --> 00:11:44,594 The thing I never told you about. 281 00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:46,538 Are you full of anger at your kids' school 282 00:11:46,765 --> 00:11:47,931 or at life in general? 283 00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:49,356 You know it. 284 00:11:49,451 --> 00:11:51,784 Well, now you can express your scalding hot rage 285 00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:53,269 with the light-up "Me-Shirt." 286 00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:57,198 Why, that's so obnoxious. I love it. 287 00:11:57,292 --> 00:11:59,609 The Me-Shirt has dozens of snappy slogans 288 00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:01,277 tailor-made for your recently-acquired 289 00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:03,279 but deeply-held views. 290 00:12:03,298 --> 00:12:05,557 "Never Remember," "The Truth Will Make You Sad," 291 00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:08,284 and "Don't Teach on Me." 292 00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:10,803 Plus, the copper-infused fiber that powers the lights 293 00:12:10,956 --> 00:12:12,546 gives you more energy 294 00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:15,049 and pushes all the blood to your face. 295 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:19,053 I'll never look not angry again. 296 00:12:19,147 --> 00:12:21,555 Wow, Dad, way to milk the rage-bucks 297 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:22,982 out of the red hat crowd. 298 00:12:23,134 --> 00:12:25,134 Well, I found it appalling. 299 00:12:25,136 --> 00:12:27,912 We have a shirt for you, too. 300 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,990 Oh, hi there. You caught me wearing 301 00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:32,809 my carbon-neutral light-up shirt 302 00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:34,160 with progressive slogans like: 303 00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:35,903 "Shame On Us," "I Know Best," 304 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:40,425 and "Who farted? All the cows raised by the beef industry!" 305 00:12:40,576 --> 00:12:41,742 That's despicable. 306 00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:43,836 Though that fart slogan makes a good point. 307 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,598 You're pitting people against each other. 308 00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:50,584 Lisa, that's what the T-shirt industry has always done, 309 00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:52,512 ever since "I'm With Stupid." 310 00:12:52,664 --> 00:12:56,516 Now, Daddy's just giving "stupid" a chance to respond. 311 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:57,667 (phone rings) 312 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:58,943 Ooh! They're responding. 313 00:12:59,187 --> 00:13:02,596 Tell me who you hate and I'll get it right out to you. 314 00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:04,699 ♪ ♪ 315 00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:14,367 Yeah, I-I just want to say one thing 316 00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:17,036 to your millions and millions of viewers: 317 00:13:17,188 --> 00:13:20,465 I'm being silenced! 318 00:13:23,194 --> 00:13:25,804 In all this discord, if there's one thing 319 00:13:25,955 --> 00:13:29,349 that can bring us all together, it's the holidays. 320 00:13:29,425 --> 00:13:31,868 I don't know. The Christmas spirit 321 00:13:31,886 --> 00:13:33,728 just feels different this year. 322 00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:37,398 -Nice shirt. -Go to hell. 323 00:13:38,726 --> 00:13:41,377 Stop the celebration! 324 00:13:41,396 --> 00:13:44,564 Oh, for the love of nog, these loonies again? 325 00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,382 Yeah, and we won't stop looning 326 00:13:46,401 --> 00:13:50,328 until you stop teaching that the gazebo was a disaster. 327 00:13:50,479 --> 00:13:52,071 But people died. 328 00:13:52,223 --> 00:13:54,907 That's why I'm an orphan. 329 00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,168 Oh, this guy's a crisis actor. 330 00:13:57,395 --> 00:13:59,412 How come every bad thing 331 00:13:59,564 --> 00:14:02,173 seems to conveniently happen to him? 332 00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:05,343 -(screeches) -Aah! Aah! 333 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:08,996 We must never forget the gazebo, 334 00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,332 the victims who lost their lives, 335 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,744 and the suitors who lost their ukuleles. 336 00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:16,079 Martin? 337 00:14:17,265 --> 00:14:21,084 ♪ There's a story that goes of the big gazebo ♪ 338 00:14:21,177 --> 00:14:25,104 ♪ That fell down one breezy June Sunday ♪ 339 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,181 ♪ The mayor, it's said ♪ 340 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,092 ♪ Had rocks in his head ♪ 341 00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:32,945 ♪ And he went by the name of Van Houten... ♪ 342 00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:34,038 My history! 343 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,540 ALL: My choice! 344 00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:37,876 Our gazebo was "noice!" 345 00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:39,860 Please, please, everyone. 346 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,621 It's the holidays. 347 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,215 Can't we just find common ground and compromise? 348 00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:47,385 I mean, the one thing both sides can agree on 349 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:50,613 is that we all care about our kids, 350 00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,039 equally. 351 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,467 Marge, you are so right, 352 00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:56,636 but there's only one side that I'm afraid 353 00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:59,546 will burn this whole godforsaken town to the ground. 354 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,714 Burn it! 355 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,309 Stop teaching the damn gazebo collapse. 356 00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:07,146 Mr. Mayor, my whole career, I have fought tirelessly to... 357 00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:09,073 Damn it, Gary, it's just one thing. 358 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:11,300 Fine. Who gives a crap? 359 00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:14,746 Wow. I actually won something. 360 00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,822 Let's get ready 361 00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:19,492 to meddle! 362 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,978 (cheering) 363 00:15:21,996 --> 00:15:25,331 Oh. I'm getting a sick feeling in my stomach. 364 00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:28,426 Oh, don't worry so much, honey. 365 00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:31,170 People just want to feel proud of our town. 366 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,006 And remember, I'm still on the school board, 367 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,341 so I can be a guardrail 368 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,177 to keep Kirk's worst impulses in check. 369 00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:41,497 I mean, how bad can it be? 370 00:15:41,516 --> 00:15:43,733 (bombastic music playing over speakers) 371 00:15:50,099 --> 00:15:52,099 Wow, I can't believe all this happened 372 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,160 in only three weeks. 373 00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:04,128 NARRATOR: So the people surrendered to Van Houten's wishes, 374 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,613 and his face was on everything, 375 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,040 even knishes. 376 00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:10,617 But for Springfield, the outcome 377 00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:12,804 was rather pernicious. 378 00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,789 ANNOUNCER: It's the Channel 6 News with Kent Brockman. 379 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,384 ♪ ♪ 380 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,561 (cheering) 381 00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:25,224 Brought to you by Homer's House of Copper-ganda, 382 00:16:25,376 --> 00:16:28,969 your one-stop shop for form-fitting Kirk-wear. 383 00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,730 Good evening, and all hail Kirk. 384 00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:32,231 Our top story: 385 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,826 The Springfield bookmobile visits a local landmark, 386 00:16:34,902 --> 00:16:37,478 which is getting a new name. 387 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,997 I re-christen thee 388 00:16:39,224 --> 00:16:40,647 The Eternal Flame 389 00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:43,226 of Redaction and Beauty. 390 00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:45,745 You said you'd only burn half the books. 391 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,321 Half? No way. 392 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,232 This is all part of my plan 393 00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:53,052 to turn eyesores into pride-sores. 394 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,599 (cheering) 395 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,357 I didn't sleep a wink. 396 00:17:06,584 --> 00:17:10,153 I can fix that. I'll adjust your copper number. 397 00:17:12,973 --> 00:17:15,349 Aah! (exclaiming) 398 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,018 Homer, things are terrible in this town. 399 00:17:18,112 --> 00:17:20,112 Kirk got a little bit of power to control 400 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,540 what the kids learn and he went cuckoo with it, 401 00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:24,267 and we helped him. 402 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,951 I just really thought I could be 403 00:17:26,104 --> 00:17:28,195 the grown-up in the room. 404 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,364 Yeah, 'cause that always works. 405 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,217 I've got to do something to save Springfield 406 00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:35,219 and I need you to help me. 407 00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,114 Great idea. What's in it for me? 408 00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,707 Homer, what does it profit a man 409 00:17:40,802 --> 00:17:42,134 if he gains the world 410 00:17:42,287 --> 00:17:44,470 but loses his soul? 411 00:17:44,622 --> 00:17:46,547 Uh, he gains the world. 412 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,958 (gasps) I got to put that on a shirt. 413 00:17:48,976 --> 00:17:50,401 D'oh... 414 00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:56,465 Hey there, great leader. 415 00:17:56,484 --> 00:17:59,635 You're looking especially non-repulsive today. 416 00:17:59,637 --> 00:18:02,988 With great power comes great "you have to like me." 417 00:18:03,141 --> 00:18:04,990 -(chuckles) Mwah. -(moans) 418 00:18:05,159 --> 00:18:06,584 (both moaning) 419 00:18:06,735 --> 00:18:08,811 Um, uh, e-excuse me. 420 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:11,589 Marge, my guardrail. Have a seat. 421 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,318 So, what's the good word? 422 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,929 And I only want good words. 423 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,747 Ugh. I know you don't want to hear it, Kirk, 424 00:18:20,916 --> 00:18:23,326 but our schools are a disaster. 425 00:18:23,344 --> 00:18:24,936 Reading levels have plummeted 426 00:18:25,087 --> 00:18:27,921 because there are no books left for kids to read. 427 00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:30,924 Sure, but those books were bummers. 428 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,110 They're not bummers, 429 00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:34,094 they're the sum of human knowledge. 430 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,173 You can't base an entire society on ignorance 431 00:18:37,191 --> 00:18:39,342 and forgetting the past. 432 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,952 Hmm. 433 00:18:41,103 --> 00:18:43,679 Marge, thank you for telling me all this. 434 00:18:43,698 --> 00:18:45,123 Top-notch guardrailing. 435 00:18:45,274 --> 00:18:49,460 I know now this moment calls for serious action. 436 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,130 Damn it. 437 00:18:52,357 --> 00:18:54,357 (rock band playing) 438 00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,283 So how about this gazebo? 439 00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:59,137 It's twice as big as the original... 440 00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:01,639 which never existed. 441 00:19:01,866 --> 00:19:04,200 (cheering) 442 00:19:04,293 --> 00:19:07,036 I declare we have won the war 443 00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,813 against history. 444 00:19:08,964 --> 00:19:10,815 (cheering) 445 00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:12,725 It's time to rock out 446 00:19:12,877 --> 00:19:14,735 with your Kirk out. 447 00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:19,198 The past never happened! 448 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,368 (whimpering) 449 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,580 (grunting) 450 00:19:28,017 --> 00:19:29,149 What is happening? 451 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,169 Uh, the electricity running through 452 00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:33,654 everyone's copper T-shirts has created 453 00:19:33,748 --> 00:19:35,322 a massive electrical field 454 00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:38,083 and a full-fledged magnetic disturbance. 455 00:19:38,236 --> 00:19:39,735 Dumb it down for us. 456 00:19:39,754 --> 00:19:41,070 Well, I just did. 457 00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:42,588 (stammers) 458 00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,997 (groaning) 459 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:46,742 Soup crackers! 460 00:19:46,761 --> 00:19:48,227 (crying) 461 00:19:57,605 --> 00:19:59,197 (groans) 462 00:20:00,942 --> 00:20:02,591 Attention, everyone. 463 00:20:02,593 --> 00:20:05,369 We learned something very important today. 464 00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:07,613 You can try to ignore history, 465 00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,782 but not science. 466 00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:11,934 No matter how much we deny it, 467 00:20:12,027 --> 00:20:13,769 science is real, 468 00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:16,455 and we must not anger her. 469 00:20:16,532 --> 00:20:18,424 (all assenting) 470 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,224 And that became known as 471 00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:29,285 Springfield's Craziest, Kirkiest, 472 00:20:29,303 --> 00:20:33,122 Stupidest, Bloopidest Day. 473 00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:36,475 How dare you teach that horrible story to my child. 474 00:20:36,627 --> 00:20:38,794 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 475 00:20:38,813 --> 00:20:40,796 and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY 476 00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:42,798 and TOYOTA. 477 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,700 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 478 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,399 MARTIN: ♪ There's a story that goes of the big gazebo ♪ 479 00:20:52,477 --> 00:20:55,068 ♪ That fell down one breezy June Sunday ♪ 480 00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,313 ♪ The mayor, it's said ♪ 481 00:20:57,315 --> 00:20:59,164 ♪ Had rocks in his head ♪ 482 00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:03,076 ♪ And he went by the name of Van Houten ♪ 483 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,170 ♪ The pitching of woo ♪ 484 00:21:05,247 --> 00:21:06,822 ♪ Was heartfelt and true ♪ 485 00:21:06,841 --> 00:21:10,676 ♪ And it raised all the fair ladies' ardor ♪ 486 00:21:10,828 --> 00:21:12,995 ♪ But the braces gave way ♪ 487 00:21:13,014 --> 00:21:14,588 ♪ And the corpses, they say ♪ 488 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:18,442 ♪ Stretched out to Lake Gobedygooby ♪ 489 00:21:18,594 --> 00:21:22,446 ♪ This song of wrecked steel and human ordeal ♪ 490 00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:26,675 ♪ Will go on for 20 more verses ♪ 491 00:21:26,677 --> 00:21:27,843 ♪ Gazebos are. ♪ 492 00:21:27,862 --> 00:21:29,370 Shh.