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CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,468
D’oh!
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(screams)
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(tires screeching)
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(clicking)
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("Hooray for Hollywood" playing)
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(camera shutters clicking)
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ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the 38th annual
Springfield Showbiz Awards.
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00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,829
There are more stars here
tonight
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00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:40,248
than you can see in the sky,
thanks to light pollution.
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Here comes
the magnificently-mammaried,
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00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:45,211
mistress of midnight
movie mayhem, Booberella.
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The twins look happy tonight.
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And what have we here?
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It’s ventriloquist
Arthur Crandall
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00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,594
and his walnut wingman, Gabbo.
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Gabbo! Gabbo,
over here!
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Get a job, parasites.
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(goofy laughter)
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(British accent):
We now come to our final award,
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00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:02,520
"Entertainer of the Year."
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00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,689
An award so prestigious,
that it recently won
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00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:08,568
the "Award of the Year" award
at the 2007 Awardy Awards.
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00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,779
This year’s nominees
are an eclectic group.
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00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,489
SIDESHOW MEL:
This distinguished-looking
gentleman
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00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,158
is a highly-respected actor.
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It’s not important
what he says,
or who he’s a parody of.
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Only one person here
really matters--
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the recipient of this award.
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No, it is not me.
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I am but your humble narrator
32
00:01:27,378 --> 00:01:30,423
in this tale of fame, betrayal
and coin collecting.
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00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,008
But more about that later.
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00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,176
Nor is it him.
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00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,511
Nor him.
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Nor ham.
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No, tonight is about her.
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This year’s award goes to...
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Lisa Simpson.
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(applause and cheering)
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SIDESHOW MEL:
Surprised?
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00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:48,483
Let me start at the beginning,
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00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,194
and tell you a little bit
about Lisa.
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00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:55,865
In fact, All About Lisa.
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ANNOUNCER:
And now, in honor of Krusty’s
4,000th episode,
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00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:04,207
put your hands together
for Drew Carey.
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00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,917
-(cheering)
-Thank you.
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00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,127
Thank you.
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00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,504
Wow, 4,000 episodes.
50
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,548
It seems like just yesterday
51
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,300
Krusty stole his first joke
from me.
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00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,469
Seriously, though, I remember
watching him as a kid,
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00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,055
and I thought, "I could do that,
and I’m a kid."
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What I love about Krusty is,
he’s always on...
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00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,645
but to find out what,
you’ve gotta test his pee.
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-Pee!
-(laughter)
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00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,274
Seriously, test his pee.
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He’s a danger to the community.
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And now I give you a man whose
act will never grow old,
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because it started out that way:
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(laughing)
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Krusty the Clown.
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(goofy laughter,
audience cheering)
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Thank you.
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00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,082
I never thought I’d make it
past 400 episodes,
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00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,834
what with the drinking
and the smoking
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00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:50,378
and the fact
that I’m just not that good.
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It seems like just yesterday
that we started the show,
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00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,009
with the original Krusketeers.
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00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:57,844
(playing upbeat melody)
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♪ Who’s our favorite TV clown
who likes to clown around? ♪
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♪ K-R-U... ♪
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♪ S-T-Y... ♪
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Hey! Quit steppin’ on my solo,
ya creepy little show monkeys!
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00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,939
(Krusty stammering)
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(laughing nervously)
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And here they are today.
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Come on out, Krusketeers.
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I’m Jesse.
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(upbeat theme song playing)
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-(bone cracks)
-Ow.
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C.J.
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(purring seductively)
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You owe me money, Krusty.
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I did time for you, clown.
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Hard time.
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Isn’t that great.
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They all came back
to see me.
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That’s right.
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All except
the successful ones.
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Now guess what, kids?
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The Krusty Show is searching
for a new Krusketeer.
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It could be any of you.
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00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,562
As long you’re willing to sign
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00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,481
a 20 year personal services
contract
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00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,399
where I get 99%
of all your earnings.
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00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,026
(laughing)
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00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,444
I am so gonna
try out for that.
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Me, too.
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00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,988
But I hope you get it.
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No, I hope you get it.
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00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,825
Well, I really
hope you get it.
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00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,911
Yeah, I hope
I get it, too. Later.
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For a second there,
he hoped I got it.
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(squeals happily)
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A great man once observed:
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00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,098
"90% of success
is showing up on time."
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Sorry I’m four hours late.
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00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:29,352
Now let’s pick a Krusketeer!
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(plays note)
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00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,066
(cracks knuckles)
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-♪ Ow,ow ♪
-♪ Ow, ow ♪
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-♪ Ow,ow ♪
-♪ Ow! ♪
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-♪ Ow,ow ♪
-♪ Ow, ow ♪
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00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,073
-♪ Ow,ow ♪
-♪ Ow...! ♪
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For my first impression...
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I’m a lantern fish.
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(laughter)
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Now I’m a jack-o’-lantern.
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(laughter)
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E.T.
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B.E.T.
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-(cheering and whistling)
-Yay, Bart!
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My son’s a good-for-somethin’!
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00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:08,057
Uh, yeah, okay.
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00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,101
You kids were all terrific.
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I wish I could make each of you
a Krusketeer,
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but we only have enough money
for one.
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Plus, I don’t really want to.
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So after much consideration
of all your talents,
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(drumroll)
my new Krusketeer is...
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What’s your kid’s
name again?
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Nelson Muntz.
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Wilbur Mudd.
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That’s me.
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-Here’s Mudd
in your eye.
-Ow!
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(Nelson humming)
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I can’t believe I lost.
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00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,590
That’s not fair--
Bart was great.
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00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,051
Hey, Krusty, you’re
making a huge mistake
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00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,969
not hiring my brother.
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00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,429
Why don’t you hire
them both?
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00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,764
It won’t cost
you anything--
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00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,182
you could call
Bart an intern.
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00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:50,850
In fact, the intern thing
146
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,686
could open up a whole new world
of free labor for you.
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00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,438
Did you know
the Discovery Channel
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00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,523
doesn’t have
a single paid employee?
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00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,443
Hm. Okay, kid,
you’ve convinced me.
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00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,944
To make Bart a Krusketeer?
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00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,071
Hell, no.
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00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,655
To make you my new intern.
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00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,074
You’re a real go-getter.
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00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,325
Now go get me
my dry-cleaning,
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00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,202
which is my code word
for scotch.
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00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,536
And get me a scotch,
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00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,747
which is my code word
for my bookie.
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00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,082
Also, go get
my dry-cleaning.
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00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,458
Wha... but...
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Wha, but, wha,
wha, wha, but.
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What are you standing
around for?
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00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,755
I wish I was paying you,
so I could dock your salary.
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(groans)
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SIDESHOW MEL:
Lisa didn’t know it then,
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00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:28,179
but she had just dipped her toe
into the business of show.
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And it is a business,
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as you shall find out
in about three seconds.
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Two... one...
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SHOW MEL:
Over the years,
show business has been home
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00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,776
to scoundrels and saints,
thespians and harlequins,
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Abbots and Costelli.
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And they all had one thing
in common--
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an underpaid assistant.
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Cancel my 1:00.
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00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,662
Move my 2:00 to 1:00
and cancel that.
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00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,247
Oh, and go
to my joke file
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00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:55,706
and make all
the "Sophia Lorens"
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00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,417
into "Lindsay Lohans."
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00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,835
So do a global change?
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00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,586
What am I, Al Gore?
Just do it.
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(humming)
182
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,886
What are you lookin’ at?
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00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,305
I’m just trying
to hit my marks.
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And I don’t?
Is that what you’re saying?
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00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,016
No, no.
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I think you’re a consummate pro.
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Oh, so now you’re judging me.
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00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,314
Well, whaddaya think of this:
you’re fired.
189
00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,443
Yeah, well, my mom says
you’re a selfish lover.
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I know what I want and I get it.
191
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,738
(grunting)
192
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,699
I’ll trash you
in my memoirs!
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00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,742
Pay attention-- you’ll
be writing my memoirs.
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(moans):
I’ll never last here.
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00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,163
Chin up, little gofer.
196
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,665
You can succeed
with Krusty.
197
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:40,626
A few hints: Always carry
a cigar in case he asks.
198
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,253
Never meet his gaze.
199
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:45,923
And if he mentions Mitzi
Gaynor-- and he will--
200
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,051
for God’s sake act like
you know who she is.
201
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,970
I got pastrami
stuck in my teeth,
202
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,264
and that’s everybody’s problem.
203
00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:54,891
Who’s got floss?
204
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,143
(whimpering)
205
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,895
(panicked chattering)
206
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,814
Mm-hmm.
207
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,899
Here you go, Krusty.
208
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,860
Uh-huh. (grunting)
209
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:08,112
Nicely done, kid.
210
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,655
You’re the best thing
that’s happened
211
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,282
to this business since...
212
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:12,700
Mitzi Gaynor?
213
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,786
I was gonna say "cheap Korean
animation," but sure.
214
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:16,662
(Bart moans)
215
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,332
I can’t believe you’re working
for Krusty and I’m not.
216
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:21,042
I know everything
about that clown.
217
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,835
Favorite blintz: blueberry.
218
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,671
Favorite horse in the 2004
Belmont: Smarty Jones.
219
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:28,758
Krusty lost a bundle and had to
endorse baby wipes in Norway.
220
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,926
Which I have a case of.
221
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,469
LISA (reading):
222
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,932
(muttering)
Krusty...
223
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,975
Bart’s having
girl trouble.
224
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,143
You better
go talk to him.
225
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,353
It’s clown trouble.
226
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,480
That’s your
responsibility.
227
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:45,358
I thought I was in charge of
bedtime stories and pets dying.
228
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,610
Yeah, well,
we’re adding clowns.
229
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,861
Oh! Fine.
230
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,613
But you just bought
yourself "ear piercing"
231
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:53,199
-and "strange
new feelings."
-Fine.
232
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:55,576
Lisa’s got school,
career, posture.
233
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,828
Why did she have to
steal Krusty from me?
234
00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:01,123
Son, the healthy thing
is to get rid of everything
235
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,167
that reminds you
of Krusty...
236
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,419
which appears to be everything.
237
00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:08,130
Hey, maybe we should
give Lisa this room.
238
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,966
You know she works
for Krusty now.
239
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,717
(moans)
240
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,843
BART:
Okay, here’s my offer:
241
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,888
All this primo Krusty
merchandise
242
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,057
for that copy of Radioactive
Man vs. Muhammad Ali.
243
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,475
My counteroffer:
244
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,228
Radioactive Man Meets
the Kansas City Royals.
245
00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:26,357
How about Radioactive Man
vs. Restless Leg Syndrome ?
246
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,359
Let us try a different tack.
247
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,111
Are you interested
in coin collecting?
248
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,862
Am I?! No.
249
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,240
Hmm.
250
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,409
Wait, wait, wait.
251
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,202
I will start you off
with this bicentennial quarter
252
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,663
and I will throw
in my man scrunchie.
253
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,416
(seductive music plays)
254
00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:49,839
Uh, we’ll stick
with the coins.
255
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,092
Whoa, nice.
256
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,428
Everything in its place,
257
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,555
nothin’ festering
inside of nothin’.
258
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,890
You’ve alphabetized
my book collection.
259
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,225
(Krusty laughs)
260
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,477
I’ve never had such
a great assistant.
261
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,938
I’m gonna call you
"The Goy Wonder."
262
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,441
Because I don’t
remember your name.
263
00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,485
All right, time to fill
these slots with coins.
264
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,738
Specific coins?
265
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,615
(moans):
This hobby sucks.
266
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,326
Son, all hobbies suck.
267
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,078
But if you keep at it,
you might find at the end
268
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,332
that you’ve managed to
kill some precious time.
269
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,293
Wow, I never thought
of it like that.
270
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:28,919
Do you want to collect coins
with your old man?
271
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,338
You bet I do!
272
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,214
To your mother’s purse.
273
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,508
( The Andy Griffith Show
theme playing)
274
00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,618
(shouting gibberish)
275
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,245
HOMER:
Oh, yeah?
276
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,538
Well, what do you think
of them apples?
277
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:05,956
(blows landing, water splashing)
278
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,333
LEPRECHAUN:
I’ll take all of ya.
279
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,085
(shouting gibberish)
280
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,378
No, don’t put that...
281
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,004
(screaming)
282
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,633
Slide in the 1863
Confederate half dime
283
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,678
and every slot
is full.
284
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,222
This is the first book
I’ve ever finished reading
285
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,973
or pushing things into.
286
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:24,725
What the...?
We missed one!
287
00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,854
BART:
"The Inverted
Double-struck Penny,
288
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,607
or ’Kissing Lincolns’
was mistakenly minted
289
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,818
in December of 1917,
290
00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,695
when a brief glimpse
of a woman’s ankle
291
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,363
caused three days
of rioting
292
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:38,531
at the Philadelphia Mint."
293
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,449
The one on the left
looks into it,
294
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,035
but the one on the right
is just experimenting.
295
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,246
Son, we are getting
that coin.
296
00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:47,498
(humming)
297
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,542
Here I am, walking the plank.
298
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:52,628
I wish this mean pirate wasn’t
poking me with his sword!
299
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,838
Where’s the chimp?
300
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,506
Mr. Teeny’s
not here.
301
00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:56,841
He’s stuck
in traffic.
302
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:57,883
Oh, what do I do?
303
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,635
I can’t ad lib to save my life.
304
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,053
(hyperventilating)
305
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,888
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
306
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,474
♪ Yo-ho-ho
and a bottle of fun. ♪
307
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,809
(whispering):
What are you doing, kid?
308
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,185
My job: making
you look good.
309
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,478
Oh, yeah, right.
310
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,648
So, what be
your name, matey?
311
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,609
Long John Seltzer!
312
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,611
(groaning)
313
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:18,738
Whoa!
314
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:19,822
(laughter)
315
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,748
SIDESHOW MEL:
The laughter swept
over her like a wave,
316
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:32,251
enveloping her
in its intoxicating embrace.
317
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,212
The next week, Krusty went
to his Lake Tahoe retreat
318
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,840
for some R&R.
319
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,551
But he was about to get
an unexpected visit
320
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,303
from a third and fourth R,
321
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,764
Ron Rabinowitz.
322
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,349
Krusty, I’ve been
your agent for 45 years.
323
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,559
I am telling you,
324
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,186
watch out for this
Lisa Simpson character.
325
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,979
She has got a taste
for Lady Laughter,
326
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:54,440
and she will step right over
a certain clown to get it.
327
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,816
Which clown? Chuckles?
328
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:56,817
Professor Nitwit?
329
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,402
No, you!
330
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,113
No Yu, the Chinese Clown?
331
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,907
(laughs)
332
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,785
Oh, great one, Krusty.
333
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,828
But seriously,
you’re in real trouble here.
334
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,288
(phone ringing)
Yeah?
335
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,290
-(monkey chortling)
-What do you mean?
336
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,918
If there was a rehearsal
for the network,
337
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,669
I would’ve been told by my...
338
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,087
(gasps)
339
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,756
...assistant!
340
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,508
Well, where is he?
341
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,343
I don’t know, I guess he forgot.
342
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,678
But people seemed
to like me last week.
343
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,680
You stood in
for Mr. Teeny.
344
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,599
How’d you like to
stand in for Krusty?
345
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:31,769
Oh, well, it’s one thing
to fill in for a monkey.
346
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,562
But a comedy legend?
347
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,231
I wouldn’t dream of it.
348
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,274
I respect that.
Cancel the run-through.
349
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:38,859
-Okay, I’ll do the monologue.
-(nose squeaks)
350
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,612
Evening, Mr. Krusty.
351
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,155
-Great show last...
-Sorry,
352
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,907
-I can’t act
like you matter!
-Huh?
353
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,035
(tires screeching)
354
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,915
Have no fear, the star is here!
355
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,291
Shh!
We’re working!
356
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,709
Huh?
357
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,044
So the centipede says:
358
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,420
"I’m goin’! I’m goin’!
359
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,840
I’m just putting on my shoes!"
360
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,633
(laughter)
361
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,010
Now, that’s well-performed
comedy!
362
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,263
Oh, my God.
363
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,223
Everything you said came true,
Ron.
364
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:10,850
Uh, Ron?
365
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,560
So you’ll come
to the agency tomorrow
366
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,144
and I’ll introduce you
to the whole team, okay?
367
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,896
You like egg white omelets?
368
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,565
It’ll be waiting.
You’re a good girl.
369
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,149
(groans)
370
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,652
I’ve been replaced
by an eight-year-old.
371
00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:23,696
I can be eight!
372
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:25,281
♪ La, la, la, la. ♪
373
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,283
I’m eight years old.
374
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,660
(sobbing)
375
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,418
SIDESHOW MEL:
Krusty, you’ve learned that
fame, that fickle beauty,
376
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,837
can leave you
when you need it most.
377
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,464
And Lisa had a lesson
to learn as well.
378
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,466
A lesson about--
You, there!
379
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,593
Cut that out!
380
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,177
Sorry, sorry.
381
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,891
-♪♪
-Thank you, folks.
382
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,184
You’ve been a great audience.
383
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,480
I’m gonna keep this forever!
384
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:02,318
SIDESHOW MEL:
All of Springfield fell head
over heels for Lisa.
385
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,361
(gasps):
Here she comes.
386
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,614
Quick, switch from internal
monologue to external dialogue!
387
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,491
Shall we visit the commissary
to toast your success?
388
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,826
Yeah, sure, Mel.
389
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,244
Let me just wave
one more good-bye to my fans.
390
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,747
(cheering and applause)
391
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,498
(music playing, laughter)
392
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,970
(sighing)
393
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,014
While applause rained down
on Lisa,
394
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,683
poor Krusty found himself
parched.
395
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,311
It’s 3:32 a.m.,
396
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,063
which means it’s time for
397
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:42,316
Last Gasp
with Krusty the Clown!
398
00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:43,525
(scattered applause)
399
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,195
Brought to you by
Nappien, Nok-em-Out
400
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,447
and Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids.
401
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:52,076
Tonight’s guest is local bully,
Jimbo Jones?
402
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,827
(scattered applause)
403
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,497
(groans)
404
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,290
This is the lowest
I’ve ever sunk
405
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,043
and I once made out
with blow-up doll.
406
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,592
(grunting)
407
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,637
Sorry you broke up
with me now, Cindy?
408
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,263
One of these
has got to be
409
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:14,682
that smooching
Lincoln penny.
410
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,684
Nope. Nope.
Dime. Button.
411
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,310
Pepperoni slice.
Wait!
412
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,480
This is a classic
1978 Pizza Hut!
413
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,068
Mmm... terrible.
414
00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,736
Nope. Nope. Nope.
415
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,029
Son,
416
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,407
coin collecting’s
a lot like life.
417
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,618
It stopped being fun
a long time ago.
418
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,788
But unlike life, I have
a solution for this.
419
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:39,039
(pounding gavel)
420
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,041
Going once, going twice...
421
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,876
sold to Mr. Burns!
422
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,461
I’ve won every coin.
423
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:46,463
But I feel
strangely empty.
424
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,048
Ooh, there’s
another coin.
425
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,216
That should do it.
426
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:51,427
Our last item up for bid
is a mint condition
427
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,971
1917 "Kissing Lincoln" penny.
428
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:54,972
Okay, boy, this is it.
429
00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,015
Five dollars!
430
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,016
$500.
431
00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,227
Five dollars cash!
432
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:03,188
Sir, the promise of cash
is not an enticement.
433
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:05,566
The current bid is $500.
434
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,317
Do I hear a counter bid?
Going once,
435
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,819
-going twice...
-Dad?
436
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,029
$501!
437
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,030
$10 million.
438
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,197
Objection, your honor.
439
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,240
Sir, I am not a judge.
440
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:14,658
But, um, overruled.
441
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,036
Sold to Mr. Burns
for $10 million!
442
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,664
(coins clanging)
443
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,999
Mmm.
444
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,585
I paid a pretty penny
for this pretty penny,
445
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,336
-but it was worth it.
-(tapping on window)
446
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,755
(window whirring)
447
00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,632
Mr. Burns, my son and I have
been collecting coins.
448
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,594
It’s really brought us
closer together.
449
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,220
That penny
you bought tonight
450
00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,181
would mean
the world to him.
451
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,974
Yes, but the problem is,
452
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,393
if you had it,
I wouldn’t.
453
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,853
You see
the difficulty.
454
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,855
Mmm. Yeah.
455
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,273
I’ll tell you what,
456
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:48,442
at least help me buy
the boy a gumball.
457
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:49,943
Do you have change
for a nickel?
458
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,612
Oh, of course.
459
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,655
Smithers, step on it!
460
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,865
(laughing)
461
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,867
I only gave him four cents
for that nickel.
462
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,368
Monty Burns wins a...
463
00:17:58,452 --> 00:17:59,578
(screams)
464
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:02,414
HOMER:
And... done.
465
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,249
Now, let’s put it
on a shelf
466
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,043
and never look at it again.
467
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,795
You got it, boy.
468
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,508
SIDESHOW MEL: And so,
bonded by love and larceny,
469
00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,676
father and son got dressed,
470
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,970
had a minor disagreement...
471
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,222
-You little...
-(gagging)
472
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,766
...patched things up...
473
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,142
(sobbing)
474
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,269
Sorry, Dad.
475
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,021
...and went downtown,
476
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,275
where they watched proudly,
as Lisa accepted her award.
477
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,277
(cheering and applause)
478
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,032
(humming)
479
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,785
Lisa, before you walk away
from this venerable hall
480
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,787
and into the arms
of your adoring fans,
481
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:43,539
may I have a moment?
482
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,541
Well, I do owe
you everything.
483
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:46,583
Make it quick.
484
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,627
Behold your fellow
winners
485
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,587
of the Entertainer
of the Year Award.
486
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,630
Hmm.
487
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,257
I don’t recognize any of them.
488
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,259
And why should you?
489
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,886
He appears nightly
on Broadway,
490
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,264
selling combs and mints
in the men’s room.
491
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,850
She was fired
after a bad rehearsal
492
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,686
from Homeboys
In Outer Space.
493
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,896
And perhaps the saddest
one of all,
494
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,024
he graced stages from
London to Los Angeles.
495
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,443
When he played Biff
in Death Of A Salesman,
496
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,821
every woman
in the audience
497
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,322
wished
they were Hap.
498
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,950
But that was
before he...
499
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,953
"took the bone."
500
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:25,289
Melvin Van Horne.
501
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:26,707
(gasps)
502
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,292
Sideshow Mel?!
503
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:29,710
It’s you!
504
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:31,712
How could this happen
to you,
505
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,547
to all these wonderful
performers?
506
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,008
Applause
is an addiction,
507
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:39,428
like heroin
or checking your e-mail.
508
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,804
Once you have a taste,
509
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,973
you’ll do anything
to get more.
510
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,975
Don’t end up like these people.
511
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,769
Don’t end up like...
512
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,146
me.
513
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,689
(sobbing)
514
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,400
I need to get out
while I still can.
515
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,736
Thank you, Mel.
516
00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:56,987
Everyone, wait!
517
00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,198
Um, there’s someone
I forgot to thank,
518
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,200
and he’s here tonight.
Krusty,
519
00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:02,951
will you come up on stage,
please?
520
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,369
What do you want?
521
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,538
You’ve already taken everything
I care about.
522
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:07,956
Really?
523
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,791
So what else
is in the news?
524
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,169
This just in:
I don’t give a crap.
525
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,171
I’m trying to set you up
for laughs.
526
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:15,756
Trying to set me up
with a giraffe?
527
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,716
(laughter)
528
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,134
Oh, right.
529
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,887
You guys know about giraffes--
long legs, big neck.
530
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,347
Here comes
the zinger.
531
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:27,434
Speaking of necks, my girlfriend
is a real pain in mine.
532
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,394
She crashed her car
into mine and said,
533
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,189
"Look, honey, we have a hybrid."
534
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,357
(laughter)
535
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,943
Timely.
536
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,654
SIDESHOW MEL:
By giving everything away,
537
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,365
she was able to keep
the only thing that mattered:
538
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,701
her dignity.
539
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,454
God, how I envy her.
540
00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,081
(barking)
541
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,375
Ooh, I think
I’m in love!
542
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,210
Krusty, please.
543
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,545
My wife is giving birth
as we speak!
544
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,381
Just four more takes.
Come on.
545
00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:58,799
(Krusty barking)
546
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,092
No!
547
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:02,386
Oh, Krusty, have a heart.
548
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,303
Ah.
549
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:49,099
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
550
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,143
Shh.
551
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:56,440
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