If I had to pick a beginning to this bizarre story,
I guess it would have to be the dream.
Yeah, definitely the dream.
That's when it all started.
That's me, Jeremy Capello, sitting inside the tuba.
If I appear disoriented, it's because I don't know how to play a tuba
or any other musical instrument.
I'm not in the band. That's Candy Andrews.
She's a cheerleader. I think she likes me.
But for some unknown reason, I can't keep my eyes
off Darla Blake, musical prodigy.
Juilliard candidate perhaps,
but not what you would call centerfold material.
In fact, Darla Blake is not someone you would call, period.
Then comes the note.
I can't believe it, but I'm fascinated.
"Follow me."
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I went for it.
Suddenly, I'm in the girls' locker room,
no man's land, the forbidden zone.
I'd heard the horror stories.
Men caught in here were castrated
and made to pass out towels for eternity.
A living hell I could do without.
And then I see her.
She's gorgeous.
Is this the same Darla Blake?
Without being too obvious, I check out her birthday suit.
She asks me to take a shower with her.
I tell her I'm clean, but she insists.
"Make love to me," she says.
I tell her, "We're moving too fast."
I offer to take her to lunch instead.
I… I…
Suddenly, there's a new babe in my arms.
I'm shocked. I excuse myself and ask, "Where's Darla?"
She tells me to kiss her.
I say, "Whose dream is this anyway? I'm looking for Darla."
She tells me to kiss her again.
I refuse. Then things get ugly.
Throw him down!
All units, 7-A-8-5.
Code Six on Kirby and Westheimer.
7-X-23. Roger on your Code Six.
Louis, call your son.
- His eggs are ready. - Jeremy.
- Morning. - Morning.
Morning. Morning, Dad.
Mom, I've got a problem.
What's your problem, Jeremy?
Honest to God, I cannot remember what Dad looks like.
Well, he's still a very handsome man.
Dad, you're bald.
Morning, Mrs. Capello, Mr. Capello.
- Morning, Ralph. - Sorry I can't stay for breakfast, but—
- We're running late, as usual. - As usual.
Ralph's right. We have to go.
Oh, Ralph, there's a speed trap over at the Montrose off-ramp.
Thanks, Mrs. Capello.
Drive carefully, boys.
We always do.
The same dream, fourth night in a row.
Darla Blake.
How can you totally ignore Candy Andrews,
who, by the way, is hot after your tailpipe,
then have perverted dreams about frigid and rigid Blake?
- It's not perverted. - You're right.
It's not perverted, it's bizarre.
Okay, but what does it mean?
If you're crazy enough to waste a perfectly good wet dream on Darla Blake,
you need professional help.
You don't understand.
I see a side to this girl that nobody knows exists.
I have a theory about this dream of yours.
Okay, when was the last time you got laid?
What does that have to do with anything?
Can't you remember?
Not that it's any of your damn business, but Peterson's party.
- Jenny Cicero in the closet, remember? - Oh, no! Yeah, I remember.
You bought her a dozen roses and invited her home to meet your parents.
- What is that? - She's a nice girl.
No, you're confusing true love with common household guilt.
What you need is an incredible sexual encounter
with no strings attached, no emotional involvements,
just pure, unadulterated lust.
- That's not me. - It could be.
I mean, a carefree, fun-loving romp in the sack
with but a single purpose…
to use and degrade another human being to satisfy your own selfish pleasures.
Sorry. Not interested.
Sex without guilt is the greatest.
Hi, Pam.
But pick a girl who doesn't go to this school.
QUIT STARING CREEP!
- Hi, Flo. - Hi, Jeremy.
- He's in the back. - Thanks.
Hiya, George. How many today?
- Oh, the usual. A dozen or so. - Mm-hm.
George, what would all these old ladies do without me?
Probably die of constipation.
Yeah.
You know, just once, I wish I could make a delivery
to someone who still had all their teeth.
Got a new one for you today.
Oh, yeah?
Highline Drive?
You sure about this address, George?
That's the address she gave.
This is the old Gardner mansion.
It's been deserted for years. It's a dump.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
No PoliGrip. No Geritol.
No Deep Heating Rub?
George, we may be on to something here.
This has got to be a joke.
Come in.
Whoa!
Hello!
Groceries!
Hello!
Hello?
Hey!
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Hi.
Where is everybody, huh?
This comes to 13.49.
I can take a check, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to see some ID.
Are you hurt?
I'm afraid Nora's a bit nervous around strangers.
Is anything the matter?
No…
I just thought you were somebody else.
Have we met before?
I'm not sure.
You're bleeding. I feel responsible.
Let me see.
It's really just-just a scratch.
When I was little and scratched my finger,
my mother would always kiss it.
My mother used Band-Aids.
I've got one in the car.
How's that? Better?
Much better.
I have to go.
- Jeremy? - Yes?
- Do you find me attractive? - Very.
I have to go. More deliveries, you know?
I like you, Jeremy.
Can you come back later?
You want me to come back?
How about tonight?
I really, really have to go.
Around midnight?
I'm a night owl.
Night owl.
She sucked your what?
My finger, you jerk!
My finger!
He lets her get away.
Ralph, there's something very weird about this woman.
She's the woman in my dreams.
Great. Then she's perfect.
No! Ralph, she's not the woman of my dreams,
the woman in my dreams!
- She knew my name. - So what?
I didn't tell her my name.
Look, this is like an omen from God, okay?
Look at it this way. You like this woman, right?
There's an attraction. A sexual attraction.
- Yeah. I guess so. - Perfect.
Is this someone you could see being married to?
- No. - Perfect.
What is the problem?
- Let's go for it, man. - No.
I promise, nothing will go wrong.
- I'll drive. - It's a school night.
Do it, nerd!
I don't even know her name.
Perfect.
Well, she's still up, stud.
You're absolutely certain this will make me a better person?
If nothing else, you'll sleep better.
No more nightmares about Darla Blake.
What if I was wrong?
What if I misinterpreted the entire situation?
Jeremy, a beautiful woman sucked your finger and begged for more.
This is a date with destiny.
Now get in there and enjoy it.
All right. All right.
How do I look?
Like a vacuum cleaner salesman.
No, I'm kidding.
Relax. You look great.
All right.
Here goes nothing.
Professor, shouldn't we warn him?
No. Maybe he's one of them.
But what if he isn't?
Professor, what if he isn't one of them?
Either way, it's too late now.
Hello.
Hello?
It's me.
Hello.
Don't even think about it.
Up there?
Yeah?
Why am I talking to a cat?
Hello.
Hello, Jeremy.
I…
The door was open.
I called out, but—
I've been expecting you.
Oh, boy.
Go ahead and look at me, Jeremy. Don't be afraid.
People said dreams don't come true.
I'm glad you came.
I want you to know
that I'm usually not this forward with women.
Jeremy. Shit.
What do I do?
Jeremy.
Hurry.
You are the most intense, gorgeous woman I ever met.
I don't even know your name.
Call me Nora.
Nora?
I thought that was your cat's name.
Whatever.
Did you hear something?
You're not expecting anyone, are you?
Stop this obscenity!
Oh, God! Oh!
Get him!
Oh, you…
Hey, you! Hey! Stop! Hey!
Quick! I knew it!
Drive!
- Where are your clothes? - Screw my clothes!
Let's get the hell out of here!
Milton High School, huh?
Well, we'll see.
Professor!
I knew it. I knew it.
I'm having the most intense sexual experience of my life,
and some wild man kicks the door down.
- Who was it? - Her husband, boyfriend—
How the hell am I supposed to know?
- You didn't see anybody? - No, man.
I saw this white van, but what could I do?
Look, come on, this isn't funny.
I could've been killed.
You know, maybe you should stick to your dreams, man.
You're just not ready for real life yet.
All right, all right.
Look, I'm sorry things didn't work out, okay?
We don't have to tell anybody about this.
- No, of course not. - Come on, I…
This wasn't one of my prouder moments, okay?
- Hey, you're bleeding. - What? Oh, my…
Wow. It looks like bite marks.
Hey, I am impressed.
I told you, she was intense.
- Damn. - That's right.
- Later, man. - See you later.
Watch your sheet.
What now, Professor?
First we finish here, then we locate the young man.
What a night.
Go!
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Jeremy, you haven't even touched your breakfast.
I'm not hungry.
Louis, Jeremy won't eat his breakfast.
- Eat. - Do you feel all right?
You look a little pale.
I'm fine.
I'm just tired.
What'd you do to your neck?
Cut myself shaving.
Morning, Mrs. Capello, Mr. Capello.
Morning, Ralph.
- I think I'll stay home today. - You better go on without him.
I think he's caught something.
I'm okay. Sort of.
I'm just not hungry.
Any speed traps today, Mrs. Capello?
Lumkin Street and Fountain.
Thanks. See you later, pal.
Now, maybe if you'd eat something—
Mom, please. I'm not hungry.
All right. Go ahead. Starve yourself.
See if I care.
Hey.
You don't feel warm.
I don't get it.
I have to go.
But you're sick.
Damn!
Well done, Grimsdyke. You managed to hit the wall.
- Sorry, Professor. - You think we're playing games here?
The fate of the human race is hanging in the balance.
Sorry, Professor.
If my calculations are correct, and they always are,
twenty percent of the human race will be infected by 1990.
Within the next decade, we'll have lost the entire North American continent,
and by the year 2000, vampire Armageddon.
Damn!
Luckily for us, there's still time
while the threat is still containable, localized.
Someday we'll be revered as heroes, you and I.
Meantime, the teenager in the red convertible must die.
What about Casey Baldwin? Would you do it with him?
No way. I hate jocks.
What about Matt Newberry?
God, I get hot just mentioning his name!
He's too status conscious.
Darla, you wouldn't do it with anybody.
- Well— - Wait a minute.
What about Tom Cruise?
Okay, you can put him down as a maybe.
Uh-huh. Are you just saying that because he's not here?
Hi, Jeremy. I heard you were sick.
- Yeah. - Yeah, he had a bad night.
Excuse us, please.
Ralph, we have to talk.
That girl's crazy about you, man. I can't believe you don't go for her.
- Not now, Ralph. - Well, put in a good word for me.
- Do you know anything about that guy? - Why?
Well, he keeps staring at me in algebra.
That's Jeremy Capello.
- Don't tell me you want him. - Very funny, Gloria.
- We are in deep shit. - What are you talking about?
Last night, after we left the Gardner place, somebody torched it.
- What? - The police think it was arson.
Don't you see? We were there.
Yeah, but we didn't do anything.
I mean, nobody even knows we were there…
except the guy who busted in on you.
Right. Exactly.
What if he sets us up?
Who's gonna believe a couple of high school kids?
Okay, look, let's calm down, okay? Let's not panic.
Ralph, I think someone's following me.
What are you talking about? Who?
I don't know. Some guy.
Maybe a cop.
Cops?
Our lives are over.
We're talking prison.
We're talking homosexual rape by convicts named Bruno.
Hey, listen, we didn't do anything.
- We got nothing to worry about, right? - Right.
- Right.
There it is, Professor.
That's the demon's car, remember?
Be patient, my fat friend. We'll get him.
Park over there.
I can't drink this.
I thought cherry was your favorite.
Not today.
That's him.
Stay with him!
Don't let him get away!
Hey, hey, hey!
Damn!
Tell me that isn't the same white van from last night.
- What? - It's probably nothing
to worry about, right?
We're dead.
See? Nothing.
I wasn't really worried. Just after last night…
After last night, you're paranoid as hell.
Damn right.
- Shit! - What?
That's him. Nora's husband.
Where'd your mom say that speed trap was today?
Lumkin Street and Fountain. Why?
- Hang on, man. Here we go. - Whoa.
Yeah!
I am an animal!
I knew it.
- God, I'm sorry! - You!
Hi…
Are you okay?
Nothing's broken, if that's what you mean.
Look, I'm really sorry, okay?
How come you keep staring at me in algebra?
- I wasn't staring. - Yes, you were.
All right. I was staring.
I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.
Come on.
- Come on. - What?
Go. Go!
In here.
You're very weird. Do you know that?
- Shh. Just get down. - What?
What? What?
- There's someone following me. - Who?
I don't know. I think he's a cop.
Really? What did you do?
Nothing. It's a long story.
Jeremy, are you okay?
Do me a favor…
Look in that mirror up there and tell me who you see.
- No one. - Okay, good.
Look out that glass door and tell me who you see.
Nobody.
Nobody?
No, there was someone out there.
There was this weird guy.
Okay, that's it.
This has really been enlightening, but I'm needed back on Earth.
Don't let him see you leave the cooler!
No problem.
I'm carrying a can of invisible hair spray.
How you feeling, Jeremy?
I'm okay. I'm just tired.
Well, drink plenty of liquids. That's the thing.
Yeah. I think it's a protein deficiency.
I'm making a protein shake.
Your mom said a girl named Candy called today.
That's a great name.
Candy. Sounds yummy.
Yeah. She's a cheerleader.
Blonde hair, all that stuff.
Big deal.
Women can really be a bother, can't they?
Calling you all the time, wanting to go out.
It's missing something.
Well, it's been nice having this little man-to-man chat with you, son.
Night, Dad.
Protein drink, huh?
Wake up, Jeremy.
Jeremy.
We have to talk.
Shit!
I'm too young to go to jail.
Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Modoc, at your service.
You mean you're not a cop?
Jeremy, it has come to my attention that you have recently had
a sordid sexual encounter with a strange and beautiful woman.
It wasn't sordid.
You were bitten by this woman, were you not?
That's none of your damn business!
Jeremy, this woman was…
how shall I say… infected.
Oh, God.
She looked so clean.
Oh, it's all right.
I'll cooperate, but please don't tell my parents.
I think I'm missing something in the translation here.
You're not from the health department.
No.
All right. What is this all about?
Have you experienced anything strange
or unusual during the past 24 hours?
Just you.
How about them?
A couple of stupid dogs. Big deal.
They know, Jeremy.
When that woman bit you, she transferred a legacy unto you,
the legacy of a secret society which has endured for centuries.
You're not like other people anymore.
Come on. Who the hell are you?
A new awareness is arising within you.
New desires, even as we speak.
- You can feel it, can't you? - No!
No longer will you tread with ordinary men.
Get to the point!
All right. All right.
In a nutshell, you're alive, but you're not alive.
You're dead, but you're not dead.
Did you ever hear the word undead?
How about this one: vampire?
I hope you've heard that one, because that's what you are, okay?
- A vampire. - Mm-hm.
I wanted to break it to you nice and easy, but no.
Everything with you young people has to be fast, fast, fast.
- Get out of here. - I know. It's a shock.
No one wants to believe it can happen to them.
- I'm not a vampire. - What's going on?
Honey?
- Get out of here! - Jeremy?
Hi.
I thought I heard you talking to somebody.
No. It was the radio.
No. It didn't sound like the radio.
It sounded like a man's voice.
Well, good night.
You leave me alone. Get out of here!
I am not a vampire!
And what makes you so sure?
Vampires drink virgin blood, right?
I'm not a virgin. Ask Jenny Cicero.
Louis?
Come here.
Haven't you noticed your complexion turning pale?
What about it?
How about that uncomfortable glare you're beginning to feel from the sun?
I can explain that.
- Your loss of appetite? - Protein deficiency!
How about your craving for raw meat?
- More precisely, fresh blood? - That's not true.
Do you recognize this man?
You are in grave danger, Jeremy.
Wait, wait, wait. This…
This guy's been following me.
We need to talk.
What?
Who's that man?
Get in the car.
I don't know. He's not from the neighborhood.
This man is Professor Leopold McCarthy,
a noted historian by profession, a ruthless murderer by choice.
Together with his feeble-minded assistant,
he's waged a war against our kind for 20 years,
and he will not rest until he has wiped the last of us from the face of the earth.
Us?
- Vampires? - Stop the car, freako.
I'm here to help make the transition
from your old life to your new life as easy as possible.
For the next few days, I shall be your tutor
and hopefully your friend.
If you are a vampire, how can you be out in the daylight?
Undead vampires must remain in the dark.
But you and I are living vampires.
You will find that and other useful information
covered in this.
Vampirism. A Practical Guide to an Alternative Lifestyle?
That is your Bible. Read it, learn it, live it.
- That's it. - At least take this.
What? What is this?
That's the name of a reliable all-night butcher.
There's no getting around it, kid. Vampires drink blood.
We suggest pigs' blood, B-negative.
I think you'll find it surprisingly full-bodied with a smooth flavor.
Just pull over and let me out, all right?
All right, all right.
Believe me, I know how you feel.
But read your handbook, get some sunglasses,
and don't fret over drinking a little blood.
Think of it as taking your vitamins.
I am not a vampire!
Well, I'll pop up from time to time just to see how you're getting on.
Don't bother, 'cause I never want to see you again.
And I'm not reading this book!
And I'm not a vampire!
I'm intrigued by her.
There's definitely more to this girl than meets the eye.
Yeah, I hope so, for your sake.
All right, Ralph.
As much as I hate it, it's your turn to drive.
You're next, Capello. In the back.
This time, try and stay with him.
I will, Professor.
I warn you, any nonsense,
and I'll make sure your insurance skyrockets.
Constant, gentle pressure on the accelerator.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Turn left here.
You failed to check your mirrors.
Shit!
- I beg your pardon. - Shit!
What the hell are you doing?
Ralph, look out!
Where are you going?
Oh, my God, watch it! Watch these people!
Endangering pedestrians.
Look out!
Easy, easy!
Watch that guy! Hey, look out!
You will never drive in this town again.
Grimsdyke.
That's it!
Fine. Let's bounce this bozo.
Get back here, young man!
Hey! You got a problem, pal?
- He's attacking! - Huh?
Oh, shit!
Damn!
- Ralph. - I saw that!
Your driving frightened that man into an accident!
More points!
Hey! Come back here!
Hi.
You're staring at me again.
Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
I really made a jerk of myself.
You know, you make me very nervous.
I had a dream about you the other night.
Are you gonna gross me out?
No, it wasn't like that.
Would you go out with me sometime?
I don't know. Maybe.
You let me slip through your fingers, and you'll always regret it.
Well, okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
Great! I'll pick you up at 7:00.
- Wait. Tonight? - Why not?
What did he want?
Guess what. I've got a date for tonight!
Not with that geek.
Darla, he's all wrong.
Oh, shut up, Gloria.
He dreamed about me.
The mirror's not working.
Great. Great.
Doesn't anything in this house work?
- You must be Jeremy. - We're so happy to see you.
Don't block the doorway, Helen. Let the boy come in.
I'm Darla's father, Buddy Blake.
You can call me Buddy.
Oh. Okay, Buddy.
- This is my wife Helen. - Hi.
You're a sharp-looking boy.
Isn't he a sharp-looking boy, Buddy?
He certainly is.
Well, let's see if Darla's ready.
Princess!
Your escort is here!
Coming!
Would you like a drink, Jeremy?
No. I'm driving.
Of course. Good answer.
There she is.
Isn't she lovely?
Come on, Mom. Cut it out.
They make a really cute couple, don't they, Helen?
Just like us.
- Hi. - Hi.
Okay, kids. Up against the wall.
Mom!
Oh, come on now. Don't spoil your father's fun.
Ready now? Okay.
Oh, wait. Wait.
Helen, they're perfect.
This is totally humiliating!
Okay, big smiles now.
- One more. - One more for Grandma.
Say cheese.
Look, we're late. We've gotta go. Bye.
Have a good time, Princess.
- I'm really sorry about that. - Look, I understand.
Don't worry about it. I have parents, too.
- Damn! - What's wrong?
Didn't they turn out?
Piece of junk.
Okay, you ordered one garbage can pizza, double on everything but anchovies.
Thank you.
But Ralph isn't really a jerk.
He's… he's a good guy at heart.
But he… he thinks that I should only date gorgeous girls
who have big…
Big boobs and long, blonde hair
- and beautifully sun-tanned skin and… - Ditzy.
When it comes to girls, Ralph's only interested in one thing.
You know.
Yeah, I know.
Ralph is… can be a jerk sometimes,
but he's my best friend.
And what can I say?
That's okay. I understand.
Gloria doesn't exactly think you're hot stuff, either.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Well, I'm glad they don't pick our dates, I guess.
Jeremy, are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm suddenly not hungry.
You know, I heard you've been sick lately.
- It's nothing, really. - Well, maybe you have an allergy.
Excuse me, but what's on this pizza?
You ordered everything.
That's pepperoni, sausage,
tomatoes, mushrooms, onions, olives, peppers and garlic.
Garlic.
That's his car. We've found him.
Shit.
It's a beautiful night.
Yeah. I like the dark.
I think I'm a night person.
Jeremy, why did you ask me out?
I don't know.
You see someone you like, you wanna know them better,
you ask them out.
And because I wanna prove to you I'm not the big jerk that you think I am.
Oh, I don't think you're a big jerk.
Gloria does, but I don't.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Well, Ralph thinks you're a musical freak or something.
Well, Gloria says you're… you're a repulsive, sickly slimeball.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Ralph says… Wait, that's his problem.
I like you just the way you are.
You're special.
I am?
Yeah.
- Grimsdyke? - Yes, sir?
I think I'll go and lie down for a bit.
Yes, Professor. I'll take the first watch.
Right. Call me if you witness anything unusual.
I will, Professor.
Grimsdyke!
Out. Now.
Yes, Professor.
Jeremy.
Jeremy, what's wrong? You're wheezing.
Oh, no.
Jeremy, what's wrong? You're not sick, are you?
- I have to go! - Jeremy, what's wrong?
Where are you going? Stop!
Wait! You can't do this!
Stop! Please don't go!
You can't leave me here.
Come back!
Wait!
- Where are you going? - Darla!
What happened?
Damn it!
Jeremy Capello, you blew it!
Find what you're looking for?
Nah, the evil slime hasn't shown himself…
Oh, yes, he has.
No!
Who are you? What do you want?
Why are you watching my house?
Stay back!
You don't want me! I'm old!
My blood's polluted with cholesterol!
- What? - Professor!
Get a grip on yourself.
Slow down, you maniac!
You mad little bastard! What happened?
It was horrible, Professor.
The monster snuck up behind me!
His eyes burned like coal.
Fangs three inches long glistened in the moonlight.
That scum!
He had me totally under his spell!
Thank God for this.
Can I get you anything?
Yes.
I'd like a…
a… two of those.
Three T-bones.
And six chickens, please.
What else?
I'd like a… a quart of pigs' blood.
What was that last one?
A quart of pigs' blood.
- A pint. - Pint of pigs' blood.
How much for just the blood?
Two-fifty-nine.
Thank you.
First time, huh, kid?
I think I'm gonna puke.
It's not bad.
Not bad.
I can't believe it.
I'm a vampire.
This blood's for you.
I'm proud of you, Jeremy.
You got my vote for Vampire Rookie of the Year.
Why is this happening to me?
I've been good. No drugs, no alcohol.
I… I do my homework. Why me?
Look, try not to think of this as a handicap.
I mean, there are a lot worse things than being a vampire.
Are you aware that one of past presidents of these United States was a vampire?
Which one?
That's not the point.
I'm trying to illustrate that life can still be full,
it can still be rewarding,
that there are certain advantages to being a vampire.
Yeah? Name one.
All right.
How old do you think I am?
I don't know. Forty? Fifty? So what?
This coming October, I shall celebrate my 265th birthday.
For every decade, you shall age but a single year.
That's not a bad deal.
What?
Wait. You're telling me that I'm gonna be a teenager
for another 20 years?
Are you gonna sit around and sulk for the next century?
No.
But I deserve a few minutes.
I happen to like garlic.
Well, it's a minor loss.
Garlic just doesn't go with blood.
But there are compensations.
With a long life, you're gonna have a chance
to meet some of the most fascinating people on earth.
Over the years, I've known people
like Pablo Picasso, Sigmund Freud, Isabel Watson, Madame Curie.
Who's Isabel Watson?
Trust me, she was fascinating.
What's more, with time on your side,
you're gonna have the opportunity to pursue your interests to their fullest.
You sound like my guidance counselor.
Look, all I'm trying to say is that
whether you're a vampire or a regular person,
you must set goals, make plans, live a full life.
You can live several of them.
Well, that's just great, but you're forgetting one thing.
I made a fool of myself with Darla because I'm a vampire.
Come on. Men have been making fools of themselves for centuries
where women are concerned.
Luckily for us, they rather like it.
She'll come around as soon as she thinks you've suffered enough.
No, no. You don't know Darla Blake.
Then again, there are the powers.
Powers?
I wish you'd read that book.
I mean, you might find some pleasant surprises in there,
like how to emit a certain irresistible charm.
- What page? - Try the index under Trances.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Hey, hey. Can I turn into a bat?
Don't be silly.
Darla, hi.
Listen, I wanna explain about last night.
Look, you don't have to. You came through loud and clear.
No, you don't understand.
I've had something happen to me recently. I've been going through some changes.
Yeah, it's called puberty, jerk, and she's not interested.
Gloria, give it a rest, okay?
Darla, don't give in. He made a fool out of you.
Gloria's right, you know? And you're doing it again.
Look, I'm sorry.
First date's always the worst, right?
- Just give me one more chance. - Why should I?
Because I like you and because I don't want our relationship
to end before it begins.
I have to get back to practice.
Darla…
come back.
Raise your right hand.
When I snap my fingers,
you will awaken, you will accept my apology,
and you will go out with me on Saturday night.
Do you understand?
You've gotta be kidding.
Our next selection is from Barry Manilow,
- the man who writes the songs… - Barry Manilow!
Save it.
Oh, no!
- Hi, Mrs. Capello. - Oh, hi, Ralph.
Oh, Ralph.
You know, Jeremy's been acting pretty weird lately.
Do you have any idea what's wrong with him?
Not really. He's a pretty complicated guy.
What do you mean?
He's having some girl problems.
That's probably all it is.
Well, Ralph, see if you can find out what's bothering him, okay?
I will, Mrs. Capello.
My son…
has a problem with girls?
The goddamn white van is still following me.
What? Why is it following you?
- Is it gone? - Yeah.
Man, I don't get this.
Ralph, I've got something to tell you.
I'm…
I'm a vampire.
That's cool, man.
That's all you're gonna say to me. That's cool?
Jeremy, you're my best friend. What do you want me to say?
- I think you're crazy? - No, no.
Remember I was telling you about that cop that was trailing me?
Yeah?
He told me that that woman who bit me was a vampire.
He told me I was a vampire.
A cop told you that?
Ralph, he wasn't a cop. He's a vampire, too.
- Wow. - You don't believe me, do you?
To tell you the truth, man, I'm kinda torn.
See, I have this problem with vampirism in general.
Come on, let me show you something. Come on. Let's go.
Go in.
What?
Watch this.
Well?
It's a trick.
A trick?
Yeah, David Copperfield does this stuff all the time.
I once saw him make the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Okay.
But let me show you something David Copperfield doesn't do.
Yeah, it's red and it's liquid. Is it blood?
Hey, Ralph.
Well, what did he say?
You don't want to know.
Ralph, I'm his mother.
I want to know what's bothering him.
No, you don't. Trust me.
Some things are too personal.
Too personal?
Oh, my God.
Jeremy.
I just dropped in to say goodbye.
You're leaving?
- My work is finished here. - Terrific.
My life is ruined and you're going on.
What's gonna happen?
Well, that's entirely up to you.
My purpose was merely to point you in the right direction,
not to hold your hand forever.
You're going to be a vampire for a long, long time.
I know.
There's just…
still so much I don't know.
What if I screw up?
What if people find out?
Everybody screws up. Dead or undead.
People who love you will always protect you.
Remember that.
I just got used to having you around.
Don't get sentimental on me.
Oh, by the way, I'm going to need to park my car
for the next century or so.
Do you think you can look after it for me?
You're kidding.
This is great!
Wait'll Ralph sees this.
The Professor's after Ralph now.
He thinks he's one of us.
Well, it's a rather unsavory trait of man
that whenever he stumbles across something different,
quite often his first impulse is to destroy it.
Vampires are like any other minority
that's been persecuted down through the ages.
Our reputations are a bit more tarnished than that.
I mean, people think we're blood-sucking monsters.
I'm afraid a few bad apples back in the Dark Ages
spoiled it for the rest of us.
Professor McCarthy is not one to forgive and forget.
What is it with this guy? What's his problem?
He's quite mad, of course.
But don't be misled.
He poses a very real threat.
What do I do?
You're a vampire, Jeremy.
Use it.
Louis, Jeremy's behavior is just too peculiar to ignore.
Ralph says he has some problem with girls.
Yes.
And I know I heard a man's voice up in his room the other night.
The man in the BMW.
Good night.
Jeremy, where are you going?
Out.
You know your father and I are here
to talk about anything that might be bothering you.
That's great, Mom.
Louis.
Do you have anything you want to tell us?
Just good night.
Where did he get that car?
It's that same artic blue BMW 735.
What does that license plate mean?
You're not getting any of my blood.
Hey!
Go away.
Come on, open up. I'm not going to hurt you.
Thank you.
That's far enough, Count Dracula.
What— Ralph, will you cut it out?
I had to tell somebody.
Why did it have to be me?
'Cause you're my best friend. I need you.
Oh, so I can lure young virgins back to your lair for a midnight snack?
- Not me, pal. - Don't be a jerk.
This is too much, man.
Ralph, I'm still the same person.
I'm not some monster.
Okay, let me think.
Okay, look, we're in this thing together, all right?
My lips are sealed.
Just make sure yours stay that way, too.
I don't want to wake up a few pints low.
Great.
So now what do we do?
I don't know.
What are we doing here?
Hey, look, if vampires really have secret powers over women,
you can't hold out on your best friend.
Look at these girls.
Ralph, I haven't even read this yet.
You'll do fine. Just wing it.
Now look, I'm not choosy, okay?
Tall blonde, skinny brunette…
I'll take anything.
Almost anything. Come on. Let's go over here.
- That girl. - Like her?
Yeah. Go to it Count Capello. Do your thing.
- What a hunk. - Him?
That face.
That body.
Now he's a walking sex machine.
Missed by that much.
My God, it's an entire satanic cult!
Grimsdyke, you take the back. Be careful.
Blonde at the bar.
Now nothing fancy, okay?
- A simple love slave will do. - Love slave.
One love slave to go.
Hey, nice glasses.
Look, is it okay if we go to your place?
My parents wouldn't understand all the screaming and moaning
coming from my bedroom.
- Well… - Satisfied?
Her.
All right. If I blow it, you're on your own.
- You understand? - Well, just nail her.
Make me your love slave.
Oh, my God!
Get the hell off of me, man.
Grimsdyke!
Professor, no!
Pull yourself together!
- Ralph! - Who is that guy, man?
Come on. Let's get out of here!
Did you get him?
Here, hold this. I'll be right back.
Don't just sit there, Grimsdyke. They're getting away.
Ralph, there's something I forgot to tell you.
Yeah?
Apparently, there's some nutcase running around
trying to wipe vampires out of existence.
He's the guy that broke down the door and torched the Gardner place.
Don't worry. I won't let him get to you.
He's also the guy that drives the white van.
The guy that's been following you.
What are you saying? That they think I'm a vampire?
They can't be that stupid. If they kill me, I'm dust.
If they kill you, it's murder, right?
Yeah, great. Thanks a lot.
We have to face the facts, honey.
Our son is gay.
How do you feel about that?
I really wanted grandchildren.
Oh, my God. There he is.
- She's here, stud. - What?
- Where? - Corner table. Don't look.
Don't look!
Don't look.
This is dumb.
Hi, Darla.
- You never give up, do you? - No.
Darla, I…
Look, you're important to me. Just give me one more chance.
I don't know, Jeremy. I like you, but you're so weird.
He'll freak out on you again.
I won't freak out. I promise.
Look, I had some problems before, okay?
But I'm fine now.
Don't make me beg.
- Make him beg. - I'm begging.
Shit.
Don't make any foolhardy attempt to run away.
This revolver is pointing at your navel. It's loaded with silver bullets.
- Professor, there's a— - Be quiet.
You will slowly get up and walk out to that van parked in the street.
If you so much as bat an eyelid, I won't hesitate to use this.
- Is that clear? - Perfect. Very.
Let's go!
Okay, I'll give you one more chance.
That wasn't too weird, was it?
Look, I know you think I'm gonna go bananas any minute, but I'm not.
Where's Ralph?
- He just left with a couple of freaks. - What?
That's them over there in that van.
Come on.
Wait, don't go.
Hurry! Get in.
Are we stealing this car?
Hey, look. You guys are making a big mistake here.
I'm not a vampire.
I hate the taste of blood. I hate the sight of blood.
Professor, maybe he's telling the truth.
- Yeah. - Lies, all lies.
Don't listen, Grimsdyke.
These bastards will say anything to protect their black hearts.
You promised you wouldn't freak out!
You know that? You promised!
I'm sorry, Darla, my best friend's about to be murdered.
Murdered? By whom?
It's a long story. It's really me they should be after.
What are you talking about?
Professor McCarthy, he's a maniac.
He thinks Ralph's a vampire.
That's crazy.
Of course, it's crazy. Ralph's not the vampire.
I'm the vampire.
Oh, my God.
There they are.
Professor, somebody's following us.
That's right, pal.
The FBI, the CIA, the National Guard!
And when all this over, my dad is going to kick your ass!
Evasive action, Grimsdyke.
Yes, Professor.
I'm not crazy, okay?
Whatever you're thinking, please believe me.
I need your help.
Modoc told me someone that really cares will never let you down.
Modoc?
He's-he's my vampire advisor.
They're gonna kill us!
Darla, remember what we said about being different?
Different, yes. Like being taller or skinnier or wearing braces.
Or maybe even being just a little bit weird.
But not being a vampire.
Cops! All right! Hang on, Ralph.
BMW, license plate NITEMAN.
Westbound on Allen Parkway.
Thirty-two X-ray, request assist.
Roger. All units in vicinity of Allen Parkway roll to assist 32 X-ray.
Pursuit of a blue BMW, westbound…
- Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh!
- You okay? - Stop!
Hang on, Darla.
Shit!
Good work, Grimsdyke.
It looks like the cavalry's been cut off at the pass.
Freeze!
You kids all right?
Yeah, I think so.
We have to stop the white van!
They're gonna kill Ralph!
Take it easy, kid. You're in shock.
They're gonna murder him. We have to stop it.
Relax, son. We'll get you an ambulance.
Listen to me. They're crazy.
They're vampire hunters. They think my friend's a vampire.
They've kidnapped him and they're going to kill him.
Hey, Wally, looks like we've got another vampire hunter on our hands.
- Another one? - See?
Damn. We better call in a Code V and get after 'em.
Come on, kids. Let's get to the car.
Come on.
Let's go!
Come on!
Hey.
You can't do this!
- Yeah, right. - Sober up, kid.
Hey!
Ralph's gonna die and it's all my fault.
Maybe not.
I don't believe you're gonna do this.
You don't believe it?
Holy shit!
Come on, hurry up.
That was great! I could be falling for you.
Don't push your luck.
This is One Adam-12.
I'd like to put out an APB on a white Ford van,
last seen heading north on Henderson Way.
Oh, and, Mom, if you're listening,
I'd like to tell you that this really isn't my fault.
I had to steal this police car in order to save Ralph.
Oh, my God! Let's go!
Oh, and, Mom, I'd like you to meet Darla Blake.
Hello, Mrs. Capello.
She's great, Mom. You'll love her.
Hurry up, Louis. Run!
Our son's in trouble!
Come on! Where are you, buddy?
I think they went that way.
- Where? - That way.
Stolen police unit traveling north on Highway 41.
Proceed with caution.
Perpetrator is presumed armed and dangerous.
Repeat, perp is presumed armed and dangerous.
That's our baby.
Turn there.
We'll release the creature's soul on sanctified ground.
Come on, you piece of junk! Haul ass!
You heard him. Haul ass!
Hang on, Ralph.
Grimsdyke, will you stop that?
Come here.
- You do this one. - Me, Professor?
Yes, you.
Right. Now, you hit the stake right in the center.
Hard enough to drive the shaft through the ribcage,
into the chest cavity, piercing the heart. Go on.
I can't do it.
I've never hurt a human being in my life.
Wait! There it is.
You spineless creature, Grimsdyke.
Now I've got to do it myself.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Stop!
Hi.
I know what this must look like.
How about attempted murder?
No, you're mistaken. We're just performing a little exorcism.
This is a vile, disgusting creature of the night.
A vampire.
We're the good guys.
You kill him and you'll fry for Murder One, pal, guaranteed.
No way. There won't even be a corpse.
He'll crumble to dust before your very eyes.
- Watch. - Wait! Wait! Wait!
If he is a vampire, that's one thing.
If he isn't, an innocent guy is dead.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's a chance I'm prepared to take.
Forget it.
Let's see some proof.
What's in your little vampire hunters kit there?
You have a crucifix, right?
- Maybe he's a Jewish vampire. - Right.
What else have you got?
String of garlic.
And you were gonna kill this guy?
Holy water, right?
Good idea. Nothing worse than a dirty vampire.
And the stake.
If I kill him with a stake through the heart,
he's definitely a vampire.
A stake through the heart would kill anything.
I'm afraid this evidence wouldn't be too persuasive
at your murder trial.
Grimsdyke, you've made a mistake.
Let him go.
A mistake?
That's all? No apology?
No, "I'm sorry, Ralph?"
"I beg your pardon, Ralph?"
"Sorry about that stake through your heart, Ralph!"
You sly little bloodsucker, you.
- Come on! - The car!
Ralph, the car…
Ralph, wait!
The car is over there.
- No problem. Follow me. - Right.
- Come on! - Freeze!
No need to remind you that silver bullets
serve the same purpose as a stake through the heart.
Professor…
Okay. You have me.
Let them go.
They're only innocent bystanders.
Your heroic plea has been noted and rejected.
Do I really think I'll let you kill me? My friends?
I don't see how you can prevent it.
You forget, Professor, I'm a vampire.
That has certain advantages.
You've abandoned your precious tools, Professor.
You have no crucifix, no garlic, no holy water.
Grimsdyke, shoot him!
I can't!
Luckily for you, I don't kill people.
Aren't you gonna drain my blood?
You sound disappointed.
No, just surprised.
Pleasantly surprised.
Didn't you hear me?
I'm letting you go.
I'll never stop coming after you, never!
Why? What do I have to do, kill you?
Rip your heart out?
Do it, Jeremy.
Let's share a toast with his blood.
Nora.
You've returned from the grave.
Of course. I'm a vampire.
Who's she?
Join me, Jeremy, in a taste of immorality.
Starting with the professor's blood.
Well, surely you wouldn't—
You were eager enough to kill me.
Oh, that was different.
Go, Professor.
You see we're not all the insidious creatures you'd like to believe.
All we want is a chance to live in peace
without worrying about someone trying to ram a stake through our hearts.
Bravo, my boy. Bravo.
I've waited a long time to get you into my sights, old man.
My dear professor, why does it have to be this way?
When will you understand that I'm not your enemy?
Grimsdyke, where'd you get these bullets?
But, Professor—
Now I'm gonna have to rip him apart with my bare hands.
As you wish. But first, allow me to introduce some friends.
This is getting interesting.
Oh, no. Not that.
Grimsdyke, what are they gonna do to me?
Oh, my goodness.
Grimsdyke, don't let them take me away.
Grimsdyke! Don't let them take me away.
Grimsdyke, help me! Grimsdyke!
What'll happen to him?
What better way to vanquish an enemy than to make him an ally?
Help me!
Hey, are those chicks coming back or what?
Wait a minute. You were shot.
With silver bullets.
Jeremy, once again you're guilty of not reading your handbook.
Silver bullets are an effective means of dispatching werewolves, not vampires.
I don't even want to get into werewolves.
Professor…
What have they done to you?
Well, this is an ironic turn of events, isn't it, Grimsdyke?
What's to become of you?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll run with the pack for a while, see what happens.
I feel 20 years younger.
Bye, Grimsdyke.
I'm afraid that's our signal.
You're welcome to join us, Jeremy.
You'd be among friends, with others like yourself.
Thanks, Modoc.
But I have school tomorrow.
Besides, I have a few friends right here.
Goodbye, Jeremy.
Goodbye, Modoc.
Okay, listen, next time you're in town, give me a call.
We'll go out for a drink.
Bloody Marys.
Come, children. Away!
This has been one hell of a night.
I've gotta read that book.
Look, Louis! There they are over there!
Look, honey! Turn around.
Jeremy?
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Son.
Guess I've got some explaining to do, huh?
We know that you've been going through this change lately.
Wait, you knew? You knew all along?
We're not blind, Jeremy.
We know what's going on in the world.
We don't want to be part of your problem.
- Just be happy with who you are. - Happy.
Incredible.
Oh! Mom, Dad, this is Darla Blake.
She's my new girlfriend.
Oh. Well, we're very, very happy to meet you.
Unbelievable.