1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,710 Blackadder, Blackadder... 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:07,030 In the reign of good Queen Vic, 3 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:10,795 there stood, in Dumpling Lane in Old London Town, 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,794 the moustache shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder, 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:19,909 the kindest and loveliest man in all England. 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:26,594 # He's kind and generous to the sick 7 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:31,788 # He'd never spread a nasty rumour 8 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,954 # He never gets on people's wick 9 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:41,318 # And doesn't laugh at toilet humour 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:47,040 # Blackadder, Blackadder 11 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:52,228 # He's sickeningly good 12 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:57,474 # Blackadder, Blackadder 13 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:02,953 # As nice as Christmas pud 14 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,754 Humbug! Humbug! 15 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:13,034 - Humbug, Mr Baldrick? - Oh, thank you very much. 16 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,998 I've got all the presents. 17 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,151 And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards. 18 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,276 Splendid, let me see. 19 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,356 "A very messy Christmas. " 20 00:01:22,357 --> 00:01:25,230 I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be "merry"? 21 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,917 "A merry messy Christmas"? 22 00:01:26,918 --> 00:01:29,951 All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy... 23 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,999 Messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe. 24 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,993 Yes... I fear, Mr Baldrick, 25 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,152 that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas- or, 26 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,551 indeed, any other time- is to make a pass at a water closet. 27 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,959 Be that as it may... "A merry messy Christmas. " 28 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,918 "Christmas" has an "H" in it, Mr Baldrick. 29 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,310 And an "R". 30 00:01:55,480 --> 00:02:00,873 Also an "I" and an "S", also a "T", an "M", an "A" and another "S". 31 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,758 Oh, and you've missed out the "C" at the beginning. 32 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,190 Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, 33 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,339 I think - you must be the first person ever to spell... 34 00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:12,309 ...'Christmas' without getting any of the letters right at all. 35 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,318 Well, I was a bit rushed. 36 00:02:14,319 --> 00:02:17,076 I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play. 37 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,834 - Oh, of course! How did it go? - Well, not very well. 38 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,151 At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died. 39 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,349 Oh, dear, this high infant mortality rate's a real devil... 40 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:31,274 ...when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. 41 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,556 - What did you do? - Got another Jesus. 42 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,358 Thank goodness. His name? 43 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:36,919 Spot. 44 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,158 There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead. 45 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,551 Oh, dear... I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established... 46 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,553 ...its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind... 47 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,029 ...if all Jesus had ever said was "Woof. " 48 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,513 It went all right till the shepherds came on. 49 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,559 See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool... 50 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,392 ...on some other dogs. 51 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:06,759 Yeah, and the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away. 52 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,710 While the angel's singing "Peace on Earth, goodwill to mankind", 53 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,928 Jesus scampers across and tries to get... 54 00:03:12,929 --> 00:03:16,000 ...one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride! 55 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,995 Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick. 56 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,549 - Weren't the children upset? - No, they loved it. 57 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,150 Oh, the playful young scamps, eh? 58 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,595 Still what a lovely thought it is, 59 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,910 at this moment, all over the country, 60 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,638 from highest to lowest, 61 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,678 through those charming plump folk somewhere in the middle, 62 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,308 everyone is enjoying Christmas. 63 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,314 - What are you doing, Albert? - Nothing. 64 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,155 Oh, yes, you are, you naughty German sausage! 65 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,198 - Tell me what you're doing. - I just said; I'm not doing anything! 66 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,830 Really, woman - when you're busy ruling India, 67 00:04:01,831 --> 00:04:03,478 you don't tell me what "you" are doing... 68 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,108 So why should I tell you what "I" am doing when I am busy... 69 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,989 ...wrapping up this cushion for your surprise Christmas present? 70 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:14,119 Dem! Now I have only two surprise presents for you. 71 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,078 Oh, dear Alby, don't worry, I don't mind. 72 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,869 I do. I love surprises. 73 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:28,313 Christmas without surprises is like the nuts without the nutcracker. 74 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:32,279 Which is why I have brought you this surprise nutcracker... 75 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,874 Dem! Dem! 76 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:40,797 Darling Bobo, don't worry. Besides, haven't you forgotten something? 77 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,555 - What? - Our traditional Christmas adventure. 78 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:49,475 Yes, of course, the traditional Christmas adventure! Huzzah! 79 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,631 What traditional Christmas adventure? 80 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,279 You silly soldier! 81 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:57,718 You know: when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people... 82 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,110 ...to reward the virtuous and the good. 83 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:04,831 Yes, of course, Dummkopf, how could I forget! 84 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,309 Das ist nicht ausgezeichnet! 85 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,755 For it is for precisely such an outing as this... 86 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,798 ...that I have bought you my finest surprise present: 87 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,428 this muff, which I'm going to give you tomorrow... 88 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:19,036 Dem! Dem! Dem! 89 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,715 Excellent! Excellent! What a splendid spread! 90 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,075 Nuts, turkey and presents. 91 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,276 What more could a man desire at Christmas 92 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:30,953 Well a tree. 93 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,031 Of course, I quite forgot. 94 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,670 I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium... 95 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,798 ...and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain... 96 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:43,669 ...on this special Christmas twig. 97 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:50,274 - It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it? - Yes, but size isn't important, my friend. 98 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,149 It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it. 99 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,871 Besides, look: we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks! 100 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:02,157 - How much is it? - £17 and a penny. 101 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,279 It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor. 102 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,399 Yes, but in the feeling good ledger of life, we are rich indeed. 103 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,511 Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well... 104 00:06:12,512 --> 00:06:15,439 ...in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and -feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger. 105 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:21,357 Well bless my ten toes, who could that be on this cold night? 106 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:25,559 Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve. 107 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,358 Oh, Mr Blackadder! 108 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,755 How can I be merry when we're so poor... 109 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,753 we shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day? 110 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:37,515 Except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails? 111 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,036 No goose for Tiny Tom this year! 112 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:47,797 Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone and built like a brick privy. 113 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,956 If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop. 114 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,669 Oh, pardon me, but, look, look, there must be something we can do... 115 00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:00,879 Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need. 116 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,110 - How much did they cost? - A quid a match. 117 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,908 Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts. 118 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:12,551 Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so, here, take £10. 119 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,837 So you don't want all the matches, then? There's 17 of 'em. 120 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,391 You have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius. 121 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,758 - Here, £17 pounds, then. - Lovely! 122 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:28,435 And my best wishes to your massive offspring! 123 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,032 So we had £17 and a penny, 124 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:37,239 and we give Mrs Scratchit £17, so that leaves... 125 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:43,517 Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick, £17 and a penny, minus £17 leaves... 126 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,432 £38, eight shillings and fourpence. 127 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,029 Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is, in fact, a splendid shining penny. 128 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,396 Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slackbladder... I mean, Blackadder. 129 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,712 And to you, young urchin. 130 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,269 A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker... I mean, sir. 131 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,873 Erm, well... 132 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,718 Certainly, here. 133 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,204 Er, going to buy some cake and... 134 00:08:07,205 --> 00:08:09,190 ...pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother? 135 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,989 Nah, sod that! I'm off to the gin shop. 136 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,949 They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em. 137 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,358 Oh, well another year without profit. 138 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:21,999 Still it is Christmas. 139 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,196 And let us remember, Mr Baldrick, 140 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,750 that be we as stony as a biblical execution, 141 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,310 it's still the season of good cheer and we have our Christmas treats. 142 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,391 Nuts, turkey and presents. 143 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,913 And my goddaughter, Millicent. 144 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,389 Er, secure the ornaments, Mr Baldrick, and let her in. 145 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,071 So we put all our presents under our little tree. 146 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,791 A scarf for me, a pair of gloves for Mr Baldrick and a hat for Millicent. 147 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,358 Ah, Millicent! To what do I owe this excellent pleasure? 148 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,559 I just thought I'd pop round, you know, on the off chance. 149 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,872 Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents. 150 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:06,431 It is indeed. And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter. 151 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:12,072 Oh, thanks. And look! A scarf and a pair of gloves to match! 152 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,310 That's not bad, I suppose. 153 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,959 - Yes, jolly good. - I'm sorry I can't stop. 154 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,669 I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at "lunchtime"... 155 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,159 Oh, what a splendid idea! 156 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,198 It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend, 157 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,078 so cook two extra turkeys. 158 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,392 Thanks for all the pressies. 159 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,790 Why don't you take the flippin' tree?! 160 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:38,669 Oh, you are sweet! 161 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,398 Bye! 162 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:43,996 Bye. My, what a jolly young girl! 163 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,551 Pity she nicked all the presents. 164 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,109 Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoilt enough... 165 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,511 ...with the turkey and this mountain of nuts we have. 166 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,152 Well peel my tangerines, this is a night! 167 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,390 - Back! - Ah, Beadle. 168 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,710 Charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way. 169 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,757 Get back! 170 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,837 Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir. 171 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,878 Peace on Earth and fat tums to all men! 172 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,998 Indeed, indeed! And what of your little orphan charges? 173 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,365 Well, I don't think I charges them enough, 174 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,835 as a matter of fact. 175 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,912 Luckily you're here to cover up the shortfall Mr Blackadder. 176 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,550 They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, 177 00:10:22,551 --> 00:10:24,755 perhaps bringing a little surprise for you. 178 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,957 Surely not another totally unexpected rendition of... 179 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,951 "God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder"? 180 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:31,694 Not for me to say, sir. 181 00:10:31,695 --> 00:10:33,756 All I can say is that it's Christmas as usual, 182 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,710 except sadly we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day. 183 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,998 What luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Here help yourselves. 184 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,417 No, sir! No, sir, I couldn't possibly... 185 00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,674 ...take them from you! Absolutely not! 186 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,195 - Is this all is it? - Yes. 187 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:52,035 It'll have to do, then. See you tomorrow. 188 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,509 Well what a jolly fellow! 189 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,148 Looked like a fat git to me. 190 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:02,510 Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances. 191 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,478 Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, 192 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,596 and inside you'll probably find a... 193 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,193 ...thin git. 194 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,909 Those orphans were a bit fat, too. 195 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,798 There's some truth there. 196 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,236 Certainly, when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects... 197 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,358 ...for fear of bursting one of them... 198 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,877 ...and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies. 199 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,600 But what of it? As long as they're happy... 200 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,876 At least we've still got our turkey. 201 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,838 And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles, 202 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,037 so, maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight... 203 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,577 ...and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, 204 00:11:38,578 --> 00:11:40,955 someone will come and reward us. 205 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,874 - Come on. - Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick. 206 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:52,355 - See! - Well baste my steaming puddings! 207 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,591 Good evening, sir and madam. 208 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:02,595 Good evening. We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve. 209 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,398 Good heavens! 210 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:08,155 We have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity. 211 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,799 Well one tries. 212 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,235 - So please... - Yes? 213 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,868 Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door. 214 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,321 Ah, well, we'd love to oblige, 215 00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,269 but I'm afraid we haven't anything to give. 216 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,670 Surely you must have something... What about a goose? 217 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,432 Oh, Albert! 218 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,110 We've only got a turkey, see. 219 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,759 That sounds ideal. 220 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,718 - Aw... - There's a bit of luck! 221 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,189 Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey. 222 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,995 I detect from your accent sir, that you are not from round here. 223 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,318 Ah... Nein. 224 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,677 I am from Glasgow. 225 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,397 Ah, a fine city. I love the Gorbals. 226 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:56,315 Yes, the Gorbals, I love them, too. A lovely couple, lots of fun. 227 00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,551 Bye-bye, birdy. 228 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,076 - Well done indeed. Good evening. - Good evening. 229 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,119 If I run into Mr and Mrs Gorbal, I give them your regards. 230 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:16,432 Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick, it looks as we're in for a thin Christmas. 231 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:21,151 Don't you worry, I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney. 232 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,995 I guarantee, if there's one thing... 233 00:13:23,996 --> 00:13:26,310 ...that'll stop Santa coming down the chimney, 234 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,119 it's your sock waiting for him. 235 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,550 If I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it? 236 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,915 If you do hang your sock out, 237 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:40,153 Santa will be dead before he gets within 100 yards of it. 238 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,880 - Don't you have any other socks? - I got one other. 239 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,750 Don't worry about, my dear fellow, take one of mine from the linen cupboard. 240 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,549 I'm off to bed. There's nothing else to stay up for. 241 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,790 - Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. - 'night 'night. 242 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,714 By the way - I forgot to mention: When you were out there, 243 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,917 there was this enormous ghostly creature come in saying, 244 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:06,029 "Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation. " 245 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,590 I just thought I'd mention it. 246 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:15,276 It come through the wall said its piece, then sodded off. 247 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:21,433 - Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. - 'night 'night. 248 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,669 Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. 249 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:52,595 Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. 250 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,512 Whoo-oo. Whoop! 251 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,999 - Can I help? - No, thanks. No. No, no. 252 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,675 I just popped in to say hello'. Spirit of Christmas, how d'you do? 253 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,673 Just doing my usual rounds, a bit of haunting, 254 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,796 getting misers to change their evil ways. 255 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,287 But you're obviously such a good chap, 256 00:15:11,288 --> 00:15:12,839 there'll be no need for any of that nonsense, 257 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,037 so I'll just say 'cheery-bye'. Cheery-bye! 258 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:19,109 Well, can I get you a cup of tea or anything? 259 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,192 You wouldn't have anything a bit more... medicinal? 260 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:27,150 I see. I've only got some of Nurse Macready's surgical bruise lotion. 261 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:31,313 Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh? 262 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,832 Huh. Mmm. 263 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,911 Delicious. 264 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,270 Well, this is a nice change from all those skinflints. 265 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,592 You know that old fellow across the road? Bags of money. 266 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:45,924 I caught him trying to cut down... 267 00:15:45,925 --> 00:15:47,672 ...on his heating bills by using his John Thomas... 268 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,796 ...as a draught excluder. 269 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,510 Oh, dear, old people today! 270 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,113 Tut! 271 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,919 Tell me: How do you get them to change their ways? 272 00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,718 Well, it's all visions these days. 273 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,956 We used to use black-and-white line drawings, 274 00:16:01,957 --> 00:16:04,032 but the visions are more effective. 275 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,757 - What sort of thing? - Well, it depends, really. 276 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,229 With some people, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour... 277 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,470 ...at school behind the pennyfarthing sheds. 278 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,269 Er, some other people, well, 279 00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:16,713 we just show them how rotten their ancestors were. 280 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,089 Of course, with "your" ancestors, 281 00:16:18,090 --> 00:16:20,509 it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision... 282 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,353 ...with a break and ice creams. 283 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,317 - That bad, were they? - Did nobody tell you? 284 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,268 Stinkers to a man. Perhaps you'd like to see. 285 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,991 Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo. 286 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:48,193 Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull You know you want to. 287 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,636 - It'll be ever so exciting. - Oh, God! 288 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,676 Yes, terrifying. 289 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,358 Look. There's a surprise present for you inside. 290 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:05,036 It's a novelty death warrant and you give it to a friend. 291 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,432 - Oh, just what I've always wanted. - Have you got anything for me? 292 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,716 - It's nothing really. - Oh, sir. 293 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,277 No, it's really nothing. I haven't got you anything. 294 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,750 I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. 295 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,718 She better bloody like it. She dropped enough hints. 296 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:26,317 That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside. 297 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,118 Door! 298 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,191 Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy! 299 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,557 - Don't you just love it? - No, I hate it. 300 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,678 - In fact, I've just abolished it. - I'm sorry...? 301 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:44,199 I'm going to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers... 302 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,238 ...and kill anyone I see carrying a present. 303 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,595 Oh! 304 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,150 - What's that, Edmund? - This? 305 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,271 - It's a window. - A window. 306 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,672 Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to disturb you. 307 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:04,592 Ohh. 308 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,438 Well so much for that. 309 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,238 Ow! 310 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,430 Ah, Melchett. 311 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,232 Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix... 312 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,392 ...of good food and violent stomach cramp. 313 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,597 And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. 314 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,230 May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down. 315 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,360 I'm glad I saw you. I feel it only fair to warn you... 316 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,511 ...that the Queen has banned Christmas, 317 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,352 so I wouldn't get her a present this year. 318 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:41,116 I'm indebted to you for that advice and I shall follow it to the letter. 319 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,159 The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower. 320 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,916 - Ha! Got him with my subtle plan. - I can't see any subtle plan. 321 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,152 You wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple... 322 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,788 ...and danced naked on a harpsichord... 323 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,589 ...singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again. " 324 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,759 It's what we call a double-bluff. 325 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,195 Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him, 326 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,989 go and get an enormous present, give it to the Queen, and then... Qchk! 327 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,594 What? He'll turn into a duck? 328 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,516 Yes. 329 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:21,669 Pity about this, Tinky Wink. You used to love this time of year. 330 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,035 I know. 331 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,398 Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas... 332 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,152 ...and then scoffing it... 333 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:35,199 ...because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked. 334 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,399 And wondering if your father's wife would last till Boxing Day... 335 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,915 ...without having her head cut off. 336 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:46,596 We knew if he gave her a hat she'd probably be all right. 337 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:51,390 - Happy days! - Yes. Maybe I was a little rash. 338 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,431 Ah, boys, welcome back! 339 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,995 But, Melchett, what have you got under your coat? 340 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,832 It's not a present, is it? 341 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,788 A present, Majesty? But of course! 342 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,315 You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder. 343 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,913 Am I? 344 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,232 That's fab! I love presents. 345 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,868 For a moment, I took against Christmas, 346 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,270 but I'm completely dippy about it again. 347 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,512 In fact, I'd like to marry you. 348 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,150 If you weren't as unattractive as a giant slug. 349 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,078 Oh, pish, Majesty! 350 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,949 Anyway, to reward you, I'm going to give you lots of presents. 351 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,553 Fancy a castle? 352 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,915 - Windsor, Majesty? - Title? 353 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,957 - Duke of Kent? - Anything else? 354 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,236 A devilish saucy wife would be fun. 355 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:47,989 - Lady Jane Pottle. - Oh, yummy! 356 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,957 I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment, 357 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,634 but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky? 358 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,472 No, of course not, ma'am. 359 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,598 And perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked... 360 00:20:57,599 --> 00:20:59,077 ...through the streets of Aberdeen? 361 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,269 Oh, I don't think we need go that far, Blackadder. 362 00:21:02,270 --> 00:21:03,279 Oh, too kind. 363 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,510 No, Aylesbury's quite far enough. 364 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,477 Super. Well done, Melchy. 365 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,598 Now, Blackadder, what have you got me? 366 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,035 - Erm... - I want a pressie! 367 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,236 Give me something nice and shiny. 368 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,062 And if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you, 369 00:21:19,063 --> 00:21:20,393 and it's called an axe! 370 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,757 - Erm, well... - Right, that's it! 371 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,549 Any last requests, Blackadder, 372 00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:27,993 before I chop your block off and put it on top of the crimble tree? 373 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:32,518 Erm, well there is one, actually, ma'am. 374 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:36,514 You know how I've always been a great admirer of you both. 375 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,478 I was wondering if I could have your autographs... 376 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,235 ...to keep me company during the final tragic, lonely hours. 377 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,755 - Oh, all right. - Thank you, ma'am. 378 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,230 And Lord Melchett. Just there. Thank you. 379 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,029 - Oh, dear me! - What is it? 380 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,873 Why, this piece of paper that Your Majesty has just signed... 381 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,749 ...turns out to be some sort of death warrant. 382 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,070 Oops! 383 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,714 And I can't go back on it without destroying... 384 00:22:04,715 --> 00:22:07,189 ...the whole basis of the British Constitution. 385 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,952 I fear not. 386 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,999 - Is there a name on it? - Yes, actually, it says "Lord... " 387 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,516 Oh, I can't read this terrible childish writing. 388 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,591 "Lord Melchett. " Lord Melchett, that's it. 389 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,115 Ma'am, it's a trick! You've been tricked. 390 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,475 Oh, good! 391 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,509 Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and larks of all kinds. 392 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:33,595 Tell you what, that's so brilliant. I'll execute Melchett instead. 393 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,751 You're very kind, ma'am. 394 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:42,071 I suppose that means that everything of Lord Melchett's becomes yours. 395 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,435 I suppose it does. 396 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,515 Merry Christmas, ma'am. 397 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,839 Good Lord! 398 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,878 Horrible, eh? What a pig! 399 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,157 Yes, but clearly quite a clever, charming pig. 400 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,108 But no, as you say, his behaviour, disgraceful. 401 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,352 You're a great improvement on them all. You're a good boy. 402 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,476 Them? Are there more? 403 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,713 Oh, yes. Have a shufty at this. 404 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,033 Right, Balders. 405 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,590 I'm sick of getting no presents and the Prince Regent getting the lot. 406 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,877 So this is the plan: We play our traditional game of charades, 407 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,031 and when he gets bored and asks for a story, 408 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,836 you come out here, stick the dress and the hat on, 409 00:23:30,837 --> 00:23:31,715 and then knock on the door. 410 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,871 - I'll take it from there. Have you got it? - Got it. 411 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,713 Yes, well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up. 412 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,390 Hurrah! Welcome, lads! This is the stuff, eh? 413 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,950 Christmas sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows. 414 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,271 I mean, for Heaven's sake, what can I do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh? 415 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:51,399 I cannot conceive, sir. 416 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,959 Yes, well, there's that, I suppose. Now; who's first up for the game? 417 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,190 I'd ask old Horatio here, but he's out of it, I'm afraid. 418 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,828 So it's, er, what, it's the little monkey fellow first, then, is it? 419 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,117 - It is indeed. - Excellent. I love charades. 420 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,794 OK. Off you go, Baldrick. 421 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,878 - It's a book. - Well done Mr B. 422 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,792 I didn't think you'd get it "that" quickly. 423 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,235 Yes, I must say that was damn clever. 424 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,630 Another great Christmas tradition. 425 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,872 Explaining the rules eight times to the Thicky Twins. 426 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,749 The round hasn't started yet. It's got to be a specific book. 427 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,463 For instance, if it was The Bible, 428 00:24:24,464 --> 00:24:27,550 then I go like that to indicate that there are two syllables in it... 429 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,508 - Two what? - Two syllables. 430 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,753 "Two silly bulls"? I don't think so, not in the Bible. 431 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,535 I can remember a fatted calf, 432 00:24:37,536 --> 00:24:39,151 but, as I recall, that was quite a sensible animal. 433 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,553 Ah-ha, yah, is it Noah's Ark? 434 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,633 With the two pigs, two ants and two silly bulls... 435 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,758 - Two syll-a-bles? - What? 436 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,956 We're getting confused. Let's start again, shall we? 437 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,669 No, let's not. I think the whole game's getting a bit syll-a. 438 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,671 How about a Christmas story, instead? 439 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,435 What a good idea sir. I'll just get rid of the servant, shall I? 440 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,716 There's a limit to how long roasting chestnuts... 441 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,792 ...can blot out the aroma of Baldrick's trousers. 442 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,440 Don't forget the dress and the hat, Baldrick. 443 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,191 - Sir, shall I begin the Christmas story? - Absolutely. 444 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,874 As long as it's not that terribly depressing one... 445 00:25:16,875 --> 00:25:19,388 ...about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, 446 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,357 shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, 447 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,134 and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves... 448 00:25:24,135 --> 00:25:25,877 ...on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land. 449 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,957 - You mean, Jesus? - Yes, that's the fellow. 450 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:32,759 Keep him out of it - he always spoils the X-mas atmos. 451 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,999 Certainly, Sir. Instead, I shall tell you a story about... 452 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:40,312 Ah! Oh, my God, I've gone blind! Blind! 453 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,270 That's better. 454 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:48,513 As I was saying, this is a story about a handsome young prince. 455 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,796 This is more like it. What? 456 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,765 Good looking, lovely hair perched on top of his head... 457 00:25:53,766 --> 00:25:55,636 ...like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread? 458 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,872 - Exactly. - I can imagine him. Excellent fellow. 459 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,079 It's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny... 460 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,835 ...who's dying of cold on a cruel Christmas night. 461 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,151 - Not a comedy, then? - No, sir. 462 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,134 And when she thought that all was lost, 463 00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:13,949 and that she would die on Christmas night... 464 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:17,032 ...and be swept up on Boxing Day morning, 465 00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,555 mistaken for a huge dirty handkerchief... 466 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:25,956 ...then she knocked on the door of a handsome young prince named George, 467 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:30,113 who gave her all his massive collection of Christmas presents, 468 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:32,714 and she lived happily ever after. 469 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:41,916 Oh, by Satan's sausage, Bladder, what a fine tale! 470 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,911 ! I'm quite moved to tears, don't you know. 471 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:45,793 Oh, good. 472 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,314 I wonder who that could be. 473 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,711 On a cold, dark, cruel Christmas night, tricky one. 474 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,199 Could be a robin. 475 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,036 Why sir, rather coincidentally, 476 00:26:57,037 --> 00:27:00,388 it is a sad, lonely old granny dying of cold. 477 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,215 Shall I fling her from your door, Sir, 478 00:27:02,216 --> 00:27:03,870 saying that there is no room in our Christmas... 479 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:08,033 ...for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired, old, elderly angel like her? 480 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,954 No, Blackadder, you swine, bring her in! 481 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,194 - The trolley's a nice touch, Baldrick. - Take all you want granny. 482 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,828 You've found Georgy-Porgy, a handsome prince. 483 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,036 Thank you, sir. 484 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,214 Shall I show her to the door sir, 485 00:27:25,215 --> 00:27:27,029 to make sure she doesn't steal the silver on the way out? 486 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:32,194 - No, no. Tell her to take it. - You're very generous, sir. 487 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,079 Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph. 488 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,390 Baldrick? Baldrick! 489 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,913 Sorry, Mr B. I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door. 490 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,152 - Are we ready yet, sir? - What? 491 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:51,393 I answered the door and it was this sweet granny collecting for charity. 492 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,552 - So I let her in. - Ahh. 493 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:56,312 Something wrong, Mr B? 494 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,869 No, don't worry - I should have known not to trust a man... 495 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:02,157 ...with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping. 496 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:04,231 - Sorry, Mr B. - Oh, it's perfectly all right. 497 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,470 It's not your fault. 498 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,272 Still I fear for a frail, elderly woman... 499 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:16,433 ...laden with valuables, travelling through the inadequately lit streets of London. 500 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:21,549 - Yes, she's not safe, sir. - Well not from me, certainly. 501 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,877 - Very amusing! - In what way? 502 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:32,433 The wigs. Very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful. 503 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,149 But... But he actually got the presents. 504 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:37,833 Y... Y... Yes. 505 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,629 So there is something to be made out of being bad. 506 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,078 Er, technically... technically... yes... yes... 507 00:28:45,079 --> 00:28:46,478 But that's not the point, is it? 508 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,835 It's the soul, the soul. 509 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,596 As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if I was bad? 510 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,035 Erm... Heavens! Is that the time? I really must be off. 511 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,316 I'd love to see Christmas Future. 512 00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,710 No, no, no, it's terribly melodramatic. 513 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:03,553 Look, just show it, please. 514 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,757 All right. Whoo-oo. 515 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:14,280 Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe. 516 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:18,353 And hail to you, my triple husbandoid. 517 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:24,152 I summon you here to groupgreet our swift Imperial Navies home. 518 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,359 Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment... 519 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,956 ...and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob. 520 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:33,872 Morning. 521 00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:39,998 To you, Blackadder, Thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod, 522 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,718 this much greeting. 523 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:43,878 I, too, Bold Navigator, 524 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:47,715 cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnood. 525 00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:49,632 That won't be necessary, thank you. 526 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:53,429 Approach, your slave, Baldrick. 527 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:01,734 For God's sake, Baldrick - 528 00:30:01,735 --> 00:30:03,796 if you're going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, 529 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:06,349 at least keep your legs together. 530 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:08,317 Wilco, skipper. 531 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,080 Majesties, I give you this much greeting. 532 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:16,552 - What news of the foul Marmidons? - Scattered to the Nine Vectors, my Lord. 533 00:30:16,720 --> 00:30:19,598 And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatikon Five? 534 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,877 Have they been suckcreamed as a quanbeast's nubole? 535 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,676 They're dead, if that's what you mean. 536 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,354 Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies? 537 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,990 No, my Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies, 538 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,276 because you just made them up. 539 00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:35,759 Damn it! 540 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:38,434 Excellent, Commander. 541 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:42,559 You have most pleasantly wibbled my frussetpouch. 542 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,871 Bring forth the gift with which you honour me. 543 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:50,079 Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, 544 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,992 I bring you this. 545 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,550 Oh, lovely, an ashtray. 546 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,756 Come, Majesty, he wastes our time. 547 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:02,959 I yearn to attend "20,000 years of the Two Ronnoids" on the box podule. 548 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:07,511 - Send him to the sprouting chamber! - No, wait! 549 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:11,719 - What is it, Commander? - I'll show you, shall I? 550 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,511 Now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist... 551 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:23,116 ...that you hand over to me the Supreme Command of the Universe, 552 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:28,070 sew a button on my spare uniform, and marry me this afternoon. 553 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,959 I thought you'd never ask. 554 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,470 Ha, ha. So let's get this straight. 555 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:39,918 If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe. 556 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,550 Maybe, maybe. But would you be happy? 557 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,359 Being ruler of the universe is not all it's cracked up to be. 558 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:48,795 There's the long hours... I mean, you wave at people the whole time, 559 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,996 you're no longer your own boss. 560 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:55,153 But, but, so, what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold? 561 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,420 Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. 562 00:31:57,421 --> 00:31:58,471 I've got four hauntings... 563 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,835 ...and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do before morning. 564 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:04,354 - Whoo-oo. - No, no. 565 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:11,234 Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe. 566 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:15,313 And hail to you, my triple husbandoid. 567 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:21,112 I summon you here to groupgreet our swift Imperial Navies home. 568 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:25,353 Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment... 569 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:30,116 ...and Lord of the High-slung Bottoms of Zob. 570 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,238 - Hail. - And your slave. 571 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:42,394 - What's his name? - I can't remember, Your Majesty. 572 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:46,075 No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells, 573 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,754 what news of the foul Marmidons? 574 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,797 - Good news... - Excellent! 575 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,599 ...for the Marmidons. 576 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:56,274 They wiped out our entire army. 577 00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,228 Sorry; I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot. 578 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,994 Silence, squidling. 579 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,072 Bring forth the gift with which you honour me. 580 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,234 Oh, damn, I forgot the bloody present and all. 581 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:13,477 So one way, it's glory everlasting, 582 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:17,553 the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch. 583 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:18,706 Well, it's not as simplistic, 584 00:33:18,707 --> 00:33:20,678 but it does at least point a very clear lesson. 585 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,912 - Namely? - Namely... 586 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,407 ...the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, 587 00:33:26,408 --> 00:33:27,959 but all the better for it. 588 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:31,015 You don't think it points the very clear lesson that... 589 00:33:31,016 --> 00:33:33,911 ...bad guys have all the fun? 590 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:34,998 No! No! Absolutely not. 591 00:33:34,999 --> 00:33:37,755 The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive. 592 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,239 Picture it. 593 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,198 Quiet evenings in your hovel, alone. 594 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,035 A Bible. Your own turnip! 595 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,192 Oh, well that makes all the difference! 596 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:53,399 - So you're going to be a good boy, then? - Absolutely. 597 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,518 Would I lie to you? 598 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:58,991 Whoo-oo, whoo-oo. 599 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,798 Whoo-oo, whoo-oo. 600 00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:10,790 Mr Blackadder. 601 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:17,037 Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year. 602 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:21,273 Dear me, but don't be too unhappy, because if you look very carefully, 603 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,635 there's something in this stocking from me. 604 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,234 In fact, it's something I made for you. 605 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:29,039 That's the kind of pressie that shows the most love. 606 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:30,758 What have you made for me, Mr B? 607 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:34,310 I've made you... a fist. 608 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,755 - A fist? - Yes, it's for hitting. 609 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,912 What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again... 610 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,399 ...and again... 611 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,869 ...and again. 612 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,828 - Well what do you say? - Thank you, Mr B. 613 00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:54,317 Think nothing of it. I, after all think nothing of you. 614 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:57,829 Oi! Gitface! How about a penny for the season? 615 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:03,279 Hark, do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window. 616 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:11,956 No, I must have imagined it. 617 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:14,919 Shall I get that? 618 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:18,277 No, leave them in the snow until I get dressed. 619 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:20,556 I'll only be about 40 minutes. 620 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,871 Door. 621 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:29,798 Compliments of the season, sir. 622 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,704 We have come to sing merrily and... 623 00:35:31,705 --> 00:35:35,193 ...to make you a gift of a small pudding. Three, four... 624 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,511 # God bless Mr B at Christmas time And baby Jesus, too 625 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,831 # If we were little pigs we'd sing Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo 626 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:45,117 # Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo 627 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,477 # Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo Piggy Wiggy Woo 628 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,996 # Oh, Piggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Wiggy Woo 629 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:57,476 - Utter crap. - Thank you very much, sir. 630 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,108 - Do we get a Christmas treat now? - Yes, indeed you do. 631 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,714 - What is it? - A door in the face. 632 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:05,030 Here you are. 633 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,264 Oh, Mr B! You can't send them out into the world... 634 00:36:08,265 --> 00:36:09,796 ...with nothing but a small pudding! 635 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,599 How right you are, Baldrick. Door. 636 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,950 Thank you. 637 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,952 - You know what I'm hoping? - What are you hoping, Baldrick? 638 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,759 I'm hoping that this is all a merry Christmas jape, 639 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,196 and, in a moment, you're going to go "Yo ho ho!" and give me a mince pie. 640 00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:33,148 Close your eyes, Baldrick. Open your mouth. 641 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,834 Yo, ho, ho. 642 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,552 - Cooee. - Ah. 643 00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:42,950 My dear Millicent, come for her dinner. 644 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:48,319 And she seems to have brought the fish course with her. 645 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:49,557 Who, my dear, 646 00:36:49,558 --> 00:36:51,711 is the huge halibut in the trousers? 647 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,269 I think it's me. 648 00:36:54,440 --> 00:37:00,436 - This is Ralph, he's my fiancé. - We're in love. 649 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,238 Oh, dear. 650 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,995 Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker. 651 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:10,517 One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off. 652 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:15,031 Shut up. 653 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:18,272 Oh, Mr Blackadder, what's happened? 654 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,078 You've changed from the nicest man in England... 655 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:22,879 ...into the horridest man in the world. 656 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,508 I was thinking the same thing myself. 657 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,398 When spoken to. 658 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:28,679 I would explain, my dear, 659 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,358 but I fear that you wouldn't understand, 660 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,354 blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book. 661 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,926 As for you: Are you sure that you can keep my God-daughter... 662 00:37:39,927 --> 00:37:41,470 ...in the manner to which she is accustomed? 663 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,154 Oh, yes, absolutely. 664 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,153 Oh, splendid! 665 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:49,356 Congratulations. Good day. 666 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,555 Out! 667 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,432 Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out, 668 00:38:01,433 --> 00:38:02,948 and buy a turkey so large... 669 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:07,113 ...you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. 670 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:11,749 I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me. 671 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,036 - Cooee! - No peace for the wicked. 672 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:19,399 Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me. 673 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,950 Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas. 674 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:27,511 I have always found you foul, Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little. 675 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,318 As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, 676 00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:33,439 he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside. 677 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,398 - But he's a cripple. - He's "not" a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. 678 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:41,236 Occasionally saying, "Phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick. 679 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,309 It did, actually. 680 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:48,075 However, if you want something for lunch, take this. 681 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:51,676 It's a pound a lump and, as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps. 682 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,434 - Thank you. - What about my Tiny Tom? 683 00:38:54,600 --> 00:39:00,197 If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day. 684 00:39:02,200 --> 00:39:06,239 Mr B, where's the milk of human kindness? 685 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:09,073 It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks. 686 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:14,158 Get that, and whoever it is, slam the door in their faces, 687 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,754 how about I'll slam your face in the door. 688 00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:20,472 Hello, small dwarf fellow. 689 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:22,756 Is this the house of the great philanthropist... 690 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,070 ...and all-round softy Ebenezer Blackadder? 691 00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:28,118 - Well Mr Blackadder lives here. - Ah, das ist gut. 692 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,236 Because we have a wunderbar secret. 693 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:31,879 What secret? 694 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:36,397 If I told you we're going to give him an enormous fortune for being so generous, 695 00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:38,471 then it would no longer be a secret. 696 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:40,517 Dem, I'm so stupid! Dem! 697 00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:45,549 - What would no longer be a secret? - We are Queen Victoria. 698 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:48,075 What? All three of you? 699 00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:52,995 My dear little hobgoblin, here is our Royal Seal. 700 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:57,278 We have come to present your master with £50,000... 701 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:02,514 ...and the title of Baron Blackadder for being the kindest man in England. 702 00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:04,193 Lumme, Your Majesty. 703 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,230 Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do... 704 00:40:06,231 --> 00:40:09,036 ...if you didn't slam the door on these scrounging loafers? 705 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,589 But, Mr Blackadder... Ow! 706 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,831 I'm not at home to guests. 707 00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:26,349 I flatter myself we are rather special guests, sir. 708 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:30,513 Of course, I must apologise. 709 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,719 It's rarely one receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests. 710 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:36,996 Ah, so you recognise us at last. 711 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,754 Yes, unless I'm mistaken, you're the winner... 712 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:45,074 ...of the Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition. 713 00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,194 And to be accompanied by the winner of this year's 714 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,511 Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming. 715 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,513 - I cannot believe... - Cork it, fatso. 716 00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:56,991 This is the Victorian age, where, 717 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,628 apart from Queen Piglet Features herself, 718 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,916 women and children are to be seen and not heard. 719 00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:03,638 Queen Piglet Features! 720 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:07,554 Yes! Empress Oink, as lads call her. 721 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:09,597 The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her... 722 00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:12,593 ...is that stupid frankfurter of a husband. 723 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:14,910 The Pig and the Prig we call them. 724 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:20,279 How they ever managed to produce their 112 children is quite beyond me. 725 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:21,953 The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace... 726 00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:24,680 ...must be copiously supplied with blindfolds. 727 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,559 Sir, we've never been so insulted in our lives! 728 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:31,679 Well all I can say is, you've been damned lucky. 729 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:36,393 Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent. 730 00:41:36,560 --> 00:41:38,596 All the riff-raff and the spongers dealt with... 731 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,911 ...and gargantuan quantities of tuck to be gobbled. 732 00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:47,154 Here, have a wishbone. What do you wish? 733 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,198 I wish there was some meat on this. 734 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:52,510 Those last two were particularly satisfying. 735 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:55,433 It felt like having a go at the real Queen and Prince Albert. 736 00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,158 It was the real Queen and Prince Albert. 737 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:00,478 Don't be ludicrous, Baldrick. What would the Queen be doing here? 738 00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:05,156 She come to visit you to reward you for being the nicest man in England... 739 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,596 ...by giving you £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder. 740 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:12,469 It couldn't have been the Queen because when she visits people, 741 00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:14,312 she leaves her Royal Seal. 742 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:18,109 - What? Like this one? - Yes, just like that... 743 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:50,550 # Blackadder, Blackadder 744 00:42:50,720 --> 00:42:55,350 # Dee dum, dee dum, dee dum 745 00:42:55,520 --> 00:43:00,275 # Blackadder, Blackadder 746 00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:05,116 # Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum 747 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:10,035 # Blackadder, Blackadder 748 00:43:10,200 --> 00:43:13,317 # Dee rum, ti tum, ti tum