♪ DAY-O, DAY-O ♪
♪ YOU SAY DAY-O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME ♪♪
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OH, THAT'S A BIG FELLA.
WHOA!
♪ JUANITA, MY DARLING, YOU SURE YOU LOVE ME? ♪
♪ SI, SEÑOR ♪
♪ YOU FEEL IN YOUR HEART YOU WILL MARRY TO ME? ♪
♪ SI, SEÑOR ♪
♪ YOU PROMISE TO LOVE ME THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? ♪
♪ SI, SEÑOR ♪
♪ I LOVE JUANITA, MY SWEETHEART FROM VENEZUELA ♪
♪ YES, JUANITA MY SWEETHEART FROM VENEZUELA ♪♪
LOOKS GREAT.
THANK YOU.
HAPPY VACATION, HONEY.
OOOH...
MANCHURIAN TUNG OIL! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
HELEN GOT IT IN OSLO.
THERE'S ENOUGH TO DO THE TABLE AND THE BUREAU...
AH...
I WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.
OH, HONEY, YOU GOT IT. THANK YOU.
ENOUGH FOR THE GUEST ROOM.
I'M GLAD WE'RE VACATIONING AT HOME.
I'LL START NOW.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
BE MY GUEST.
I'LL JUST-- OH--
[RING]
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I WILL.
[RING]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
OH, NO.
[RING]
OH.
JANE.
IT'S YOUR TURN, HONEY.
GOOD LUCK.
THANKS.
HI, BARBARA.
I HEARD YOU WERE ON VACATION.
COMPLETE VACATION.
HONEY, TODAY I'M $260,000!
NO, JANE. IT'S 6:45 A.M.
THIS OFFER'S FROM A MAN IN NEW YORK
WHO ONLY SAW A PHOTOGRAPH.
DON'T SEND PEOPLE PHOTOS OF OUR HOUSE.
HE WANTS TO BRING HIS FAMILY HERE FOR PEACE AND QUIET.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT.
THIS HOUSE IS TOO BIG FOR YOU.
IT'S FOR A COUPLE WITH A FAMILY.
PUMPKIN, I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
THIS HOUSE IS TOO BIG.
SEE YOU IN A FEW WEEKS.
THINK ABOUT IT.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ HA HA HA HA HA HO-YE... ♪
BOO!
THERE'S THIS OFFER--
NO, JANE.
ADAM!
♪ LET US PUT MAN AND A WOMAN TOGETHER ♪
♪ TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE IS SMARTER ♪♪
BARBARA, COME WITH ME DOWN TO THE STORE.
WHAT FOR?
I NEED A NEW BRUSH
AND A PART FOR THE MODEL.
YOU JUST RUN IN, OKAY?
TWO WEEKS AT HOME. THE PERFECT VACATION!
JANE SAYS WE SHOULD SELL THE HOUSE TO A FAMILY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S ANY OF JANE'S BUSINESS.
BESIDES, WE COULD TRY AGAIN ON THIS VACATION, YOU KNOW.
OH, REALLY? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
HOW YOU DOING, ERNIE?
HI, HOW ARE YA?
GOOD MORNING, ADAM. YOU NEED A HAIRCUT FOR YOUR VACATION?
NO, BILL.
HOW'S THE MODEL COMING?
GREAT.
BOZMAN BUILT THAT FOUNDATION IN 1835,
BUT HIS GRANDSON COME IN LAST WEEK
AND SAID HE FOUND A BOTTLE WITH A STAMP
FROM 1836 BURIED IN THE FOUNDATION.
HE GOT HAIR RIGHT DOWN TO HIS GOD DAMN SHOULDERS.
HE SAYS, "JUST TRIM IT A LITTLE."
I TOOK THOSE SCISSORS--
SEE YOU LATER.
RIGHT.
THIS WILL BE GREAT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T RATHER GO TO JAMAICA?
NO WAY.
LOOK OUT!
AAAH!
AAAH! AAAAH!
ARF!
[CUCKOO CUCKOO]
A PERFECT START TO OUR VACATION.
OH, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU'RE DRY, HONEY.
THAT FIRE WASN'T BURNING WHEN WE LEFT.
HOW'S YOUR ARM?
I DON'T KNOW. IT FEELS FROZEN.
OOH!
I'LL MAKE SOME COFFEE. YOU GET SOME WOOD.
WE SHOULD TAKE THINGS EXTRA SLOW.
DO YOU REMEMBER HOW WE GOT BACK HERE?
I'M GOING BACK TO THE BRIDGE AND RETRACE OUR STEPS.
WHEW!
YOU SAVED MY--
TWO HOURS!
YOU WON'T-- WHAT?
THAT'S HOW LONG YOU WERE GONE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
LOOK.
THERE'S THAT,
AND THERE'S THAT.
HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DISEASED.
DECEASED.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM.
LOOK AT THE PUBLISHER.
HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED PRESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T THINK WE SURVIVED THE CRASH.
I HATE THIS.
CAN YOU GIVE ME THE BASICS?
IT ISN'T ARRANGED THAT WAY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
WHY DID YOU DISAPPEAR FROM THE PORCH?
ARE WE HALFWAY TO HEAVEN OR HELL?
HOW LONG WILL THIS LAST?
THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT HEAVEN OR HELL.
IT READS LIKE STEREO INSTRUCTIONS.
LISTEN. "GEOGRAPHICAL AND TEMPORAL PERIMETERS.
"FUNCTIONAL PERIMETERS VARY
FROM MANIFESTATION TO MANIFESTATION."
THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME.
OH...
♪ DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ RAT-A-TAT-A-DA, DOO DOO DUM, HMM... ♪♪
DAMN SANDWORMS. 13%, HUH?
WELL, I BETTER FIND A JOB.
LET'S SEE. BUSINESS SECTION.
OOH-LA-LA! WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?
THE MAITLANDS, HUH? HA HA HA HA!
CUTE COUPLE.
LOOK NICE AND STUPID, TOO. HA HA HA HA!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I WISH I HAD A BETTER VIEW OF THE CEMETERY.
I CAN'T TELL WHICH IS THE BEST PLACEMENT FOR US.
OH.
OHH.
CABIN FEVER, HON?
I CAN'T CLEAN ANYTHING PROPERLY.
THE VACUUM'S IN THE GARAGE. WE CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE.
WHERE ARE THE OTHER DEAD PEOPLE?
WHY IS IT JUST US?
MAYBE THIS IS HEAVEN.
IN HEAVEN THERE WOULDN'T BE DUST ON EVERYTHING.
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
IT'S JANE!
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
HEY, JANE, UP HERE!
JANE!
CAN'T SEE YOU, RIGHT?
UH-UH.
IN THE BOOK, RULE NUMBER TWO,
"THE LIVING USUALLY WON'T SEE THE DEAD."
WON'T OR CAN'T?
IT JUST SAYS "WON'T." GOD, THIS BOOK IS SO STUPID.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING IN THERE.
BARB, HONEY,
WE'RE DEAD.
I DON'T THINK WE HAVE VERY MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.
[RUMBLING]
[RATTLING]
AAAH!
[CLUNKING]
OH, THIS IS GREAT!
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.
SORRY, MA'AM.
DELIA DEETZ.
WELCOME HOME.
CHARLES!
IT'S OKAY. THERE'S NO DAMAGE.
LOOK, SEE? IT'S OKAY.
GOOD, STURDY COUNTRY CRAFTSMANSHIP.
LOOK AT THAT KITCHEN.
YOU'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO COOK A DECENT MEAL.
COME AND HAVE A LOOK.
A LITTLE GASOLINE.
BLOWTORCH.
NO PROBLEM.
THIS WAY. HERE WE GO.
WE'LL HAVE TO RIP OUT ALL THAT PLUMBING.
OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S JUST PERFECT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, HONEY?
DELIA HATES IT.
I COULD LIVE HERE.
CAREFUL! THAT'S MY SCULPTURE.
I DIDN'T BUY IT. I MADE IT.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
10 MINUTES.
I'M ALREADY PERFECTLY AT EASE.
IT'S PERFECT.
UH! HELP!
IT'S OTHO.
OTHO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME IN THE FRONT?
IT'S BAD LUCK.
YOU LEFT THE CITY FOR ME. I'M SO HAPPY.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
DELIA, LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.
WE'RE HERE TO ENJOY THE COUNTRY SETTING,
NOT TO TRASH THE PLACE!
CHARLES, YOU'RE LUCKY THE YUPPIES ARE BUYING CONDOS
SO YOU CAN AFFORD WHAT I'LL DO
TO THIS PLACE.
I'M HERE TO RELAX AND CLIP COUPONS,
AND DAMN IT, I'LL DO IT.
GO DO IT.
IS THE WHOLE HOUSE THIS BAD?
IS THIS A PUNISHMENT OR SOMETHING?
WHAT WILL WE DO?
WE'RE NOT COMPLETELY HELPLESS, BARBARA.
I'VE BEEN READING THAT BOOK.
THERE'S A WORD FOR PEOPLE IN OUR SITUATION--
GHOSTS!
DELIA, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
WE'RE DEALING WITH NEGATIVE ENTERTAINMENT POTENTIAL HERE.
THERE'S NO ORGANIC FLOW-THROUGH.
I NOTICED THAT, TOO. IT'S LIKE A GIANT ANT FARM.
WHAT?
I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING.
YOU READ MY MIND.
I DID?
SO FEW CLIENTS CAN READ MY MIND.
THEY'RE JUST NOT OPEN TO THE EXPERIENCE.
AAAH!
OH, MY GOD.
WE JUST HAVE TO PRAY THE OTHER CLOSETS
ARE BIGGER THAN THIS ONE.
OOH, LOOK.
OZZIE AND HARRIET.
UGH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE PEOPLE?
THEY DIED.
OH, LOOK. AN INDOOR OUTHOUSE.
OTHO?
VIRIDIAN.
VIRIDIAN. WHY DO I KNOW THAT NAME?
BLUE-GREEN. HYDRATED CHROMIC OXIDE.
REMEMBER, I'M SCHOOLED IN CHEMISTRY.
I WAS A HAIR ANALYST.
WHAT?
BRIEFLY.
YECH.
DELIVER ME FROM L.L. BEAN.
NO!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO. YOU WON'T DO IT.
HONEY, THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT.
I WON'T STOP DOING ARTWORK
JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED TO RELAX.
I WILL LIVE IN THIS HELLHOLE,
BUT I MUST EXPRESS MYSELF.
IF YOU DON'T LET ME GUT OUT THIS HOUSE,
I WILL GO INSANE AND TAKE YOU WITH ME!
WELL, MAYBE THE HOUSE COULD USE
A LITTLE REMODELING.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ROOM ALONE, OKAY?
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GET HER.
SO?
ONCE YOU KNOCK DOWN SOME WALLS,
THIS PLACE MIGHT BE LIVABLE.
WHAT'S ON THE THIRD FLOOR?
ATTIC SPACE.
I DIDN'T LOCK THE ATTIC DOOR.
DID YOU FEEL SOMETHING?
WHEN?
YOU DON'T HAVE A KEY?
MAYBE CHARLES DOES.
I HAVE A FEELING THERE'S SOMETHING VERY INTERESTING
BEHIND THIS DOOR.
GHOSTS OF THE PEOPLE WHO DIED HERE. THEY WANT US OUT.
SO LET'S GO.
MY GOD, THAT WAS CLOSE.
I CANNOT WATCH THIS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD OF BEING A GHOST
IF YOU CAN'T FRIGHTEN PEOPLE?
HONEY.
I WON'T STAND FOR THIS.
OH!
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S OUT THERE.
OH!
BARBARA!
OH!
ADAM!
BARBARA!
ADAM!
ADAM! OH, HELP ME!
I'M GETTING YELLOW!
RRRGH!
AAH!
RRR!
RRRGH!
OH, ADAM!
WE'RE TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE EATING CANTONESE. IS THERE NO SZECHUAN HERE?
I PLAN TO HAVE A STROKE FROM THE MSG IN THIS.
THIS IS OUR FIRST MEAL IN THIS HOUSE.
LET'S MAKE IT A PLEASANT ONE.
PUMPKIN, AS SOON AS WE'RE SETTLED,
WE'LL BUILD YOU A DARKROOM IN THE BASEMENT.
MY WHOLE LIFE IS A DARK ROOM.
ONE...BIG... DARK...ROOM.
SO YOU WERE MISERABLE IN NEW YORK CITY,
AND YOU'LL BE MISERABLE OUT IN THE STICKS.
AT LEAST SOMEONE'S LIFE HASN'T BEEN UPHEAVED.
I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY HERE.
THOSE PEOPLE IN NEW YORK DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING.
YOU KNOW, WE COULD BECOME THE SUMMER ART CENTER OF NEW YORK.
I'LL START SCULPTING. I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN I SCULPT.
GOOD IDEA. THAT WILL BE VERY TIME-CONSUMING.
FIRST THE HOUSE. OTHO AND I HAVE GREAT PLANS.
KEEP IT THE WAY IT IS.
GOOD IDEA.
THE FURNITURE TRUCK IS COMING.
WE HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT GOES AND WHAT STAYS.
EVERYTHING GOES, ALONG WITH WHATEVER'S IN THE ATTIC.
ALL RIGHT.
BE CAREFUL. CAREFUL.
COME ON.
CAREFUL!
I'LL TELL YOU WHY MY HUSBAND WILL FIRE YOU.
ISN'T THERE AN INDEX?
NO, NOTHING.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT DOES NOT GO THERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT'S GOING?
WHY ARE THERE ONLY THREE SCULPTURES?
THERE WERE FOUR SCULPTURES. WHERE'S THE FOURTH?
NO!
NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUT IT DOWN!
"BETELGEUSE, THE BIO-EXORCIST.
"TROUBLED BY THE LIVING?
"IS DEATH A PROBLEM? UNHAPPY WITH ETERNITY?
"HAVING DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING?
CALL BETELGEUSE."
[CRASH] PUT IT DOWN!
BETELGEUSE.
THERE'S NO NUMBER OR INSTRUCTIONS?
NOTHING. BIO-EXORCIST. I DON'T GET IT.
[CRASH]
I SAID PUT THAT DOWN!
STRAIGHT BACK.
WHY IS THAT STILL THERE?
TAKE A BREAK FOR HALF AN HOUR, OKAY?
UH-HUH.
JESUS CHRIST!
PUT THAT DOWN!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
YOU IN THE TRUCK. LISTEN!
THIS IS MY ART, AND IT IS DANGEROUS.
DO YOU THINK I WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS?
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
HI! HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
THAT LITTLE GIRL SAW US.
HONEY, NOBODY CAN SEE US.
BUT SHE DID.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PEOPLE
WHO USED TO LIVE HERE?
THEY DROWNED.
YES. THEY WERE FAMILY. I WAS DEVASTATED. HERE.
IS THIS THE ATTIC KEY?
THAT'S A SKELETON KEY. IT OPENS ALL THE DOORS.
GIVE THAT TO YOUR FATHER.
MENTION THAT I DECORATED THAT HOUSE,
IN CASE HE NEEDS ADVICE IN THAT ARENA.
[STAIR CREAKS]
DON'T WORRY. THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
[KEY JIGGLES IN LOCK]
HA HA HA!
HEE HOO! HA HA HA!
HA HA HA! HEE HOO!
HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE LIVIN'?
YOU TIRED OF HAVING YOUR HOME SPACE VIOLATED?
WANT TO GET RID OF THEM PESKY LIVIN' CRITTERS?
COME ON DOWN AND SEE ME.
I'M THE AFTERLIFE'S LEADING BIO-EXORCIST.
I'LL DO ANYTHING!
I'LL SCARE 'EM REAL BAD.
I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOUR BUSINESS.
HELL, I'LL POSSESS MYSELF IF I GOT TO.
I GOT DEMONS RUNNING ALL THROUGH ME.
IF YOU ACT NOW,
YOU GET A FREE DEMON POSSESSION WITH EVERY EXORCISM.
BRING THE LITTLE PARDS HERE.
HELL, WE GOT PLENTY OF SNAKES AND LIZARDS
FOR 'EM TO PLAY WITH.
SAY IT ONCE, SAY IT TWICE, THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.
♪ I'LL EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO EAT ♪
♪ I'LL SWALLOW ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO SWALLOW ♪♪
SO COME ON DOWN. I'LL...CHEW ON A DOG!
OWWOO!
WE NEED SOME HELP.
I READ SOMETHING IN THIS BOOK. EMERGENCIES.
HERE IT IS.
"IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, DRAW A DOOR."
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE KEEP LOOKING IN THAT STUPID BOOK.
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY THAT BEETLE GUY.
OH.
YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK THAT WOULD WORK, DID YOU?
AHA!
KNOCK THREE TIMES.
[RUMBLING]
BL-BL-BLUH!
[SNIFF]
[WHISTLING]
BIRDIES.
UGH.
DAD!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RELAXING?
I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT I SAW.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING HERE
IF YOU PEOPLE WON'T LET ME RELAX?
SWEETHEART, GO HELP YOUR MOTHER.
I CAN'T RELAX IN A HAUNTED HOUSE.
HMM. NICE BUILDING.
BAD ROOF.
GOOD PARKING.
OH!
ADAM?
THIS WAY, HONEY.
YOU DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT, DO YOU?
WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE ONE.
WE NEED HELP.
YOU JUST BIT THE BIG ONE TWO MONTHS AGO.
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
YOU'LL USE UP ALL YOUR HELP VOUCHERS. D-90s.
YOU SPEND 125 YEARS ON EARTH IN THAT HOUSE.
YOU GET ONLY THREE
CLASS ONE D-90 INTERCESSIONS WITH JUNO.
YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T READ THE MANUAL.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT.
WITH WHO?
FOR JUNO, YOUR CASE-WORKER.
NUMBER 54,000,601. FERNDOCK.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC]
WANT A CIGARETTE?
UH, NO, THANK YOU.
I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN, MYSELF.
ADAM, IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE.
THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DIES.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DIE.
IT'S ALL VERY PERSONAL.
IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW,
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MY LITTLE ACCIDENT.
[GONG RINGS]
MAITLAND! PARTY OF TWO!
TAKE YOUR HANDBOOK AND GO TO THE SIXTH DOOR.
OH. WE FORGOT OUR HANDBOOK.
HM.
COME ON.
ALL NEW ARRIVALS, REPORT TO WAITING ROOM NUMBER EIGHT.
FLIGHT 409 IS ARRIVING AT GATE 3.
HOW DO I LOOK? THERE ARE NO MIRRORS ON THIS SIDE.
FINE. FINE.
THANKS. I'VE BEEN FEELING A LITTLE FLAT.
HA HA HA!
WILL THE PETERSON PARTY REPORT TO DOOR NUMBER NINE?
PETERSON PARTY, PLEASE REPORT TO DOOR NUMBER NINE.
ALL NEW ARRIVALS, REPORT TO WAITING ROOM NUMBER EIGHT.
125 YEARS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T TELL US.
OH, ADAM, WHAT IS THIS?
THAT'S THE LOST SOULS ROOM,
A ROOM FOR GHOSTS THAT HAVE BEEN EXORCISED.
THE POOR DEVILS.
THAT'S DEATH FOR THE DEAD.
IT'S ALL IN THE HANDBOOK.
KEEP MOVING.
FIVE...
THIS IS THE SIXTH DOOR.
BOY, OH, BOY, THIS PLACE JUST GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.
BARBARA.
WE'RE HOME.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT.
ALL OUR FURNITURE'S GONE.
HOW LONG DO YOU SUPPOSE
WE WERE WAITING THERE?
THREE MONTHS.
I'D ALMOST GIVEN UP ON YOU.
I WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE.
I DO HAVE OTHER CLIENTS.
ARE YOU JUNO, OUR CASE-WORKER?
YES. I EVALUATE INDIVIDUAL CASES
AND DETERMINE IF HELP IS NEEDED,
DESERVED, AND AVAILABLE.
ARE YOU AVAILABLE?
NO. WHAT'S WRONG?
WE'RE VERY UNHAPPY.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? YOU'RE DEAD!
WE WANT TO GET RID OF THE PEOPLE WHO MOVED IN HERE.
WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T MIND SHARING THE HOUSE WITH PEOPLE--
MORE LIKE YOU WERE.
YES.
BUT THESE PEOPLE...
THINGS SEEM PRETTY QUIET HERE.
HMM. YOU SHOULD THANK GOD YOU DIDN'T DIE IN ITALY.
THE DEETZES.
OKAY. HAVE YOU BEEN STUDYING THE MANUAL?
WELL, WE TRIED.
THE INTERMEDIATE INTERFACE CHAPTER ON HAUNTING
SAYS IT ALL.
GET THEM OUT YOURSELVES. IT'S YOUR HOUSE.
HAUNTED HOUSES AREN'T EASY TO COME BY.
WE DON'T QUITE GET IT.
I HEARD. IT'S USELESS TO PULL YOUR HEADS OFF IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU.
WE SHOULD START MORE SIMPLY?
YES. DO WHAT YOU KNOW. USE YOUR TALENTS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN STUDYING THOSE LESSONS
SINCE DAY ONE.
[WATCH PLAYS CHOPIN'S FUNERAL MARCH]
I'VE GOT TO GO.
WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY BETEL--
SHH! DON'T EVEN SAY HIS NAME.
YOU DON'T WANT HIS HELP.
WE MIGHT.
NO, YOU DON'T.
HE DOESN'T WORK WELL WITH OTHERS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I DIDN'T WANT TO BRING IT UP,
BUT RATHER THAN HAVE YOU MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE,
I'LL TELL YOU.
HE WAS MY ASSISTANT, BUT HE WAS A TROUBLEMAKER.
HE WENT OUT ON HIS OWN AS A FREE-LANCE BIO-EXORCIST.
CLAIMED HE COULD GET RID OF THE LIVING.
GOT INTO MORE TROUBLE.
IN FACT, I BELIEVE HE'S BEEN SLEAZING AROUND
YOUR CEMETERY LATELY.
THE ONLY WAY HE CAN BE BROUGHT BACK
IS BY CALLING HIS NAME THREE TIMES.
BUT I STRONGLY SUGGEST
THAT YOU REMOVE THE DEETZES YOURSELVES.
HOW DO WE CONTACT YOU IF WE NEED YOU AGAIN?
OH, ADAM. THAT GUY IS IN OUR CEMETERY.
SHE'S RIGHT. WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP THIS SIMPLE.
COME ON.
[BUZZING]
HEY, YOU.
HEY, COME HERE.
HUNGRY?
COME ON. HEY, COME HERE.
I GOT SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOU. COME ON.
WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE BITE, SOMETHING TO NOSH.
HA HA HA! COME HERE!
HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!
[BURP]
MAXIE, HAVE I NOT ALWAYS MADE YOU MONEY?
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
CHARLES, NOBODY MADE ME MONEY LIKE YOU.
BEFORE YOUR NERVES WENT, YOU WERE A DEMON.
IT'S JUST THAT WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT, IS NOWHERE.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO INVEST IN AN OLD BUILDING
WAY THE HELL UP THERE?
THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THE VALUE OF THEIR PROPERTY.
I'LL BUY THE WHOLE TOWN.
WE'LL OWN A WHOLE TOWN FULL OF NOWHERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME UP HERE AND SEE--
AND BRING SARAH.
ALL RIGHT, CHARLES. IT'S JUST THAT I'M BUSY.
AHHH...
WAIT, MAX--
ENOUGH TALK ABOUT VISITING, OKAY? I GOT TO GO.
OOOH...
TAKE IT EASY. GOOD-BYE.
UH, MAX, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
PUTZ.
OOOH....
OOOOH...
AHHH...
LYDIA, IS CONNECTICUT SO BORING?
MAXIE DEAN WAS ON THE PHONE.
DAD'S FOUND A WAY OF MAKING SOME MONEY. SCRAM.
YOUR MOTHER WON'T LIKE HAVING HOLES
IN HER $300 SHEETS.
IS THIS WHAT WE'VE BEEN REDUCED TO? SHEETS?
THINK OF THEM AS DEATH SHROUDS.
AND THE MOANING IS IMPORTANT.
REALLY MOAN.
AAH...
OOOH OOOH OOH...
OOH OOH OOH... OOH OOH OOH...
OOOH...
GOD, HOW CAN HE STAND THAT WOMAN?
OOOH...
CUT IT OUT!
I'M A CHILD, FOR GOD'S SAKES.
WAAAH...
OOH OOOH AHH...
I FEEL SO STUPID.
IT'S NOT STUPID, BARBARA. WE'RE GHOSTS.
DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT 125 YEARS
WITH THIS WOMAN?
MOAN LOUDER.
AAAAH... OOOOH...
AAAH... OOOH...
[CLICK]
OH, GOD.
[SIGH]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
SICK. SEXUAL PERVERSION.
IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO THAT WEIRD SEXUAL STUFF,
DO IT IN YOUR OWN BEDROOM.
NO FEET.
ARE YOU THE GUYS HIDING OUT IN THE ATTIC?
WE'RE...GHOOOSTS!
WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?
AREN'T YOU SCARED?
I'M NOT SCARED OF SHEETS. ARE YOU GROSS?
ARE YOU NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD UNDER THERE?
ALL BLOODY VEINS AND PUS?
NIGHT OF THE WHAT?
LIVING DEAD. IT'S A MOVIE.
SEEING A GHOST SHOULD SCARE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT GROSS.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING SHEETS?
WE'RE PRACTICING.
YOU SEE US WITHOUT THE SHEETS.
OF COURSE.
HOW? NOBODY ELSE CAN.
WELL, I READ THROUGH
THAT HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED.
IT SAYS, "LIVE PEOPLE IGNORE THE STRANGE AND UNUSUAL."
I MYSELF AM STRANGE AND UNUSUAL.
YOU LOOK LIKE A REGULAR GIRL TO ME.
YOU READ OUR BOOK?
YEAH.
WHY WERE YOU IN DELIA'S BEDROOM?
WE TRIED TO SCARE YOUR MOTHER.
STEPMOTHER. ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T SCARE HER.
SHE'S SLEEPING WITH PRINCE VALIUM TONIGHT.
YOU DID THIS?
YOU CARVED ALL THESE LITTLE HOUSES?
MM-HMM.
THIS USED TO BE YOUR HOUSE.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO SCARE EVERYBODY?
WE WANTED YOU TO MOVE OUT.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE DEETZES.
MY FATHER BOUGHT THIS PLACE.
HE NEVER WALKS AWAY FROM EQUITY.
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE?
WE CAN'T. WE HAVEN'T LEFT SINCE THE FUNERAL.
FUNERAL.
GOD!
YOU GUYS REALLY ARE DEAD.
THIS IS AMAZING.
LYDIA!
I BETTER GO.
DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS WE'RE HERE.
UNLESS IT WILL FRIGHTEN THEM AWAY.
TELL THEM WE'RE HORRIBLE, GHOULISH CREATURES
WHO WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET OUR HOUSE BACK.
WHAT IF THIS IS A DREAM?
CAN YOU GUYS DO ANY TRICKS
TO PROVE I'M NOT DREAMING?
IF YOU ARE REAL GHOSTS,
YOU BETTER GET ANOTHER ROUTINE
BECAUSE THOSE SHEETS-- THEY DON'T WORK.
GHOSTS.
YOU'RE SAYING WE HAVE GHOSTS IN THIS HOUSE.
THOSE ARE PICTURES OF GHOSTS.
GHOSTS!
TONIGHT IS MY DINNER PARTY.
MY AGENT, BERNARD, IS BRINGING A WOMAN
WHO WRITES FOR ART IN AMERICA. NO ONE DINING HERE TONIGHT
HAS NOT BEEN IN VANITY FAIR, EXCEPT YOU.
I TOLD THEM YOU'RE TOO MEAN TO BE AFRAID.
I'M ONLY SCARED OF BEING EMBARRASSED
IN FRONT OF THE FEW HIP PEOPLE
WHO WILL COME TO THIS PART OF CONNECTICUT.
SO LET'S PLAY FAMILY TONIGHT.
THEY DON'T BELIEVE LYDIA.
SHE'S GOT PHOTOS.
ADAM, YOU HAD A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT.
MY PHOTO OF BIGFOOT IS A DIFFERENT STORY.
WE'VE GOT TO GET HELP.
WE'VE GOT TO CONTACT THIS GUY BETELMEYER OR SOMETHING.
ADAM.
LOOK.
IT'S HIM--BETELGEUSE.
BETELGEUSE!
GO AHEAD, BARBARA, SAY IT.
BETELGEUSE!
WHAT HAPPENED?
I THINK WE'RE IN THE MODEL.
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
WELL, WHERE IS HE? WHAT DO WE DO?
LOOKS LIKE WE DIG, BARBARA.
UH!
[CLUNK]
OH, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
I SAY WE OPEN IT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD KNOCK FIRST.
YEAH!
ADAM!
BABS.
OH! OH!
MMM! MMM!
AH! PFFT! OH! UCK!
BOY, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PICK 'EM!
IS THIS RELATIONSHIP REALLY SOLID?
DO I HAVE A SHOT AT HER?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THIS?
YOU TWO KIDS PICKED ME.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, BUT YOU PICKED ME.
NO!
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.
I GOT A CARD SOMEWHERE.
WHO SHOULD I KILL?
WHOA!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KILL ANYBODY!
AH! POSSESSION! GOT IT.
[BETELGEUSE'S VOICE] THROW YOUR VOICE. FOOL YOUR FRIENDS.
NO. WE JUST WANT TO GET SOME PEOPLE OUT OF OUR HOUSE.
IN ORDER TO DO THAT, I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU,
MOVE IN WITH YOU.
[HHAUCK! PTOOEY!]
SAVE THAT GUY FOR LATER.
MY WIFE AND I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS.
SURE, SURE. GO AHEAD, SHOOT.
FOR INSTANCE, WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?
I ATTENDED JUILLIARD.
I'M A HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I TRAVELED EXTENSIVELY.
I LIVED THROUGH THE BLACK PLAGUE.
I'VE SEEN THE EXORCIST ABOUT 167 TIMES,
AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME!
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY!
YOU THINK I'M QUALIFIED?
I MEAN, CAN YOU BE SCARY?
WHAT ABOUT THIS?
AAH! AAH!
YOU LIKE IT?
WILL YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?
SURE. TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES.
ADAM, LET'S GO.
HE COULD BE USEFUL LATER.
NO. WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT OURSELVES.
HEY! HEY! HEY!
WHAT?
EXCUSE ME. WE'RE LEAVING NOW.
COME ON. DON'T GO YET.
HEY, GUY, COME ON. WE'RE SIMPATICO HERE.
WE EVEN SHOP AT THE SAME STORE.
HEY, HERMANO.
OOH!
HEY, COME ON.
WE'RE LIKE PEAS IN A POD.
YOU WANT SOMEBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE,
I WANT TO GET SOMEBODY OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
OH, YOU'VE BEEN TO SATURN, TOO.
WHOA. SANDWORMS. YOU HATE THEM, RIGHT?
I HATE THEM MYSELF!
WHAT CAN I DO TO STRIKE A DEAL WITH YOU TWO?
AAH!
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS?
LET'S GO, BARBARA!
COME UP. WE'LL TALK INSIDE.
DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE MESS.
WE MUST LEAVE.
I'LL FIX SOMETHING TO EAT.
HOME, HOME, HOME!
BARBARA, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
HOPE YOU LIKE ITALIAN. WHERE'D YOU GO?
HEY! COME ON! WHERE'D YOU GO?
[YIDDISH ACCENT] I'M JUST TRYING TO CUT A DEAL.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
YOU BUNCH OF LOSERS!
YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!
UH!
NICE FUCKIN' MODEL!
SEE? WE CAN DO THIS STUFF ON OUR OWN.
BESIDES, I'M NOT EXPOSING THAT LITTLE GIRL TO THAT PERVERT DOWN THERE.
WE DID CALL HIM, AND HE SEEMED AWFULLY PISSED OFF.
I DON'T CARE. WE CAN SCARE THEM OFF TONIGHT.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
I LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE PLACE.
NOT ME. THEM.
SO?
UM...MMM...
YOU LIKE THEM.
I JUST HOPE IT WASN'T ANOTHER OF YOUR DREARY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS.
THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE
BECOME CIVIL SERVANTS IN THE AFTERLIFE.
OTHO, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE INTO THE SUPERNATURAL.
OF COURSE. YOU REMEMBER.
AFTER MY STINT WITH THE LIVING THEATER,
I WAS A LEADING PARANORMAL RESEARCHER
TILL THE BOTTOM DROPPED OUT IN '72.
ARE THEY CALLING YOUR KIND PARANORMAL THESE DAYS?
DON'T MIND HER.
SHE'S UPSET BECAUSE SOMEBODY DROPPED A HOUSE ON HER SISTER.
WELL, THIS LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
I SAW GHOSTS.
IT'S A PRIVATE JOKE LYDIA AND I SHARE.
IT'S NOT A JOKE.
TODAY SHE TRIED TO CONVINCE ME
THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED.
HA HA HA HA!
KIDS! YOU KNOW I LOVE THEM.
BY GHOSTS?
IN DESIGNER SHEETS, NO LESS.
I--I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST TO OUR FRIENDS
WHO BRAVED THE EXPRESSWAY TO BE WITH US.
MAY YOUR BUILDINGS GO CONDO.
NOW, LYDIA, FAVOR US ABOUT YOUR GHOSTS.
NO. I'M SICK OF THAT SUBJECT.
OH, DELIA, LIGHTEN UP.
I WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT--
[HARRY BELAFONTE'S VOICE] ♪ DAY-O ♪
♪ DAY-AY-AY-O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
IT'S CUTE, DELIA.
♪ DAY! ♪
♪ ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY ♪
♪ ME SAY DAY-O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
OTHO, ARE YOU DOING THIS?
♪ WORK ALL NIGHT ON A DRINK O' RUM ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ STACK BANANA TILL DE MORNING COME ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ COME, MISTER TALLY MAN ♪
♪ TALLY ME BANANA ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ COME, MISTER TALLY MAN ♪
♪ TALLY ME BANANA ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ IT'S 6-FOOT, 7-FOOT, 8-FOOT BUNCH! ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ 6-FOOT, 7-FOOT, 8-FOOT BUNCH! ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ DAY! ♪
♪ ME SAY DAY-O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ DAY! ♪
♪ ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY ♪
♪ ME SAY DAY ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL BUNCH ♪
♪ O' RIPE BANANA ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ HIDE THE DEADLY, BLACK TARANTULA ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN' GO HOME ♪
♪ IT'S 6-FOOT, 7-FOOT, 8-FOOT BUNCH! ♪♪
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!
HONEY! WE DID IT!
LET'S WATCH THEM SCATTER.
ANY MINUTE NOW THEY'LL COME RUNNING OUT OF THAT DOOR.
HEE HEE HEE!
ANY MINUTE NOW.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S ME. LYDIA.
THEY WANT YOU TO COME DOWNSTAIRS.
DELIA SAYS YOU CAN WEAR ANY SHEETS YOU WANT.
IT WAS LIKE BEING IN AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD CALYPSO.
WHO HAS MORE FUN?
WE'RE DEALING WITH TRACY AND HEPBURN.
A VERY SOPHISTICATED PAIR.
I MEAN, THEY EVEN APPEAR IN SHEETS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THIS BEFORE?
WE'RE NOT SURE WE WANT OUR SECRET OUT.
EVERYONE WILL WANT THEM FOR THEIR PARTIES.
PEOPLE WILL PAY BIG MONEY.
THE ENQUIRER'S OFFERING $50,000
FOR PROOF OF AFTERLIFE.
YEAH! YEAH!
YOU CAN GET MAXIE DEAN UP HERE NOW.
YOU THINK SO?
SARAH LOVES THE SUPERNATURAL.
SHE'LL HAVE HIM SPRINT HERE IN HIS HELICOPTER
IF YOU CAN PRODUCE GHOSTS FOR HER.
OH, CHARLES.
I SHOULD REMIND YOU I AM DELIA'S AGENT.
I HAVE CONSISTENTLY LOST MONEY ON HER WORK.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENED HERE, I'LL HANDLE IT
AFTER SEEING SOME REAL PROOF.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TABLE?
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHAT MONEY? DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN MY WORK?
AH! HERE'S LYDIA.
WELL?
THEY WON'T COME DOWN.
CHARLES.
WHY NOT?
THEY WERE TRYING TO SCARE YOU AWAY,
AND YOU DIDN'T GET SCARED.
OH, PLEASE. THEY'RE DEAD.
IT'S TOO LATE TO BE NEUROTIC.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS WAS NOT A HALLUCINATION.
THIS WAS REAL.
WE ALL JUST EXPERIENCED A VERY SUPERPOWERFUL PARANORMAL EXPERIENCE,
AND IT WAS REAL.
YOU'RE A FLAKE.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FLAKE.
IF YOU INSIST ON FRIGHTENING PEOPLE,
DO IT WITH YOUR SCULPTURE.
DRIVE CAREFULLY!
WHERE DO THEY HIDE OUT?
THE ATTIC.
THE ATTIC'S LOCKED.
GHOSTS CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT.
LYDIA, YOU TAKE US UP THERE RIGHT NOW.
FABULOUS!
OTHO FENLOCK'S LOCKED DOOR GHOSTS.
PROBABLY COMMITTED SUICIDE UP THERE.
I'M TOTALLY ENCHANTED.
THEY'RE IN THERE? THEY MUST LIVE LIKE ANIMALS.
HOW DO THEY GET IN?
WE'LL BUST DOWN THIS DOOR AND DRAG YOU OUT
BY THE ROPES YOU HUNG YOURSELVES WITH!
THEY DIDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE.
TAKE THE UPPER HAND IN ALL SITUATIONS,
OR PEOPLE, DEAD OR ALIVE, WILL WALK ALL OVER YOU.
OPEN UP!
SO WHERE ARE THEY?
THESE GHOSTS ARE NICE PEOPLE.
WE SCARED THEM AWAY.
LET'S JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE.
IT'S THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED.
THEY HAVEN'T GONE FOR GOOD, HAVE THEY?
HMMM.
BEEP! BEEP!
DAD, DON'T.
MOM, LET'S JUST GO.
NO GHOSTS HERE.
IF THEY'RE HERE, I DON'T WANT TO SCARE THEM AWAY.
WELL, WE'RE LEAVING NOW! YOU GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS!
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
COME ON. QUICK!
AH HA HA HA HA HA!
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY A COUPLE OF SPOOKSTERS, AREN'T YOU?
NOW, LET'S TURN ON THE JUICE
AND SEE WHAT SHAKES LOOSE.
OH!
GET MAXIE ON THE PHONE RIGHT AWAY.
WE CAN MAKE THIS
THE WORLD'S LEADING SUPERNATURAL RESEARCH CENTER...
AND AMUSEMENT PARK.
I'LL MAKE THE PRESENTATION. LYDIA WILL BRING THE GHOSTS.
THEY'RE NOT HERE.
OTHO, CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING?
PERHAPS, IF PROPERLY MOTIVATED.
WHAT TYPE OF MOTIVATION DO YOU REQUIRE?
[LYDIA] LEAVE THEM ALONE. THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
[HISSING]
YIII!
OH! OH!
HAAA!
OOH!
HA HA HA HA HA!
HAAA!
SSSSS!
[RATTLING]
OH! WHOA!
SSSSSSSS!
HA HA HA HA!
WE'VE COME FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, CHUCK.
AAH!
STOP! STOP!
NO! AAH!
[THUMP]
HA HA! YAA!
SSSSSS!
BETELGEUSE! BETELGEUSE! BETELGEUSE!
OH, NO!
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL OF YOU!
WE GET TO SPEND THE NEXT CENTURY
HANGING OUT THE WINDOW OR DOING PARLOR TRICKS.
MAYBE THEY'LL LEAVE. THAT SNAKE WAS NASTY.
HE COULD HAVE HURT SOMEBODY.
BUT HE DIDN'T.
[CRASH!]
YOU LOSERS! HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT A PROFESSIONAL
WHILE HE'S WORKING!
BUT YOU COULD HAVE KILLED CHARLES.
I'M JUST DOING MY JOB. I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL.
HEY, IT'S OKAY.
I DON'T WANT TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU DEADBEATS.
THE ONLY ONE I CAN DEAL WITH
IS EDGAR ALLAN POE'S DAUGHTER.
SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.
YOU LEAVE HER ALONE, CREEP!
OUCH!
HA HA HA! UH!
[POP]
AHH!
GO AHEAD. MAKE MY MILLENNIUM.
HA HA HA HA!
[CLEARS THROAT]
YEAH.
I'M FEELING A LITTLE, OOH, ANXIOUS,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
IT'S BEEN 600 YEARS, AFTER ALL.
I WONDER WHERE AN EVERYDAY JOE LIKE MYSELF
CAN FIND A LITTLE ACTION?
[FEMALE VOICE] HI!
YEAH!
[MUSIC PLAYS]
AHH! OH!
COME ON!
OH, YEAH, HERE I COME, BABY.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, ADAM, NICE MOVE.
ADAM, WHY DID YOU BUILD THAT?
I DIDN'T.
ALL NEWCOMERS REPORT TO GATE 108.
WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE?
I'VE GOT ALL THIS PAPERWORK TO DO.
YOU TWO, COME IN HERE.
GET IN HERE, BOTH OF YOU!
THE WHOREHOUSE WAS MY IDEA.
I WANT BETELGEUSE OUT OF THE PICTURE!
YOU TWO HAVE REALLY SCREWED UP.
I RECEIVED WORD
YOU ALLOWED YOURSELVES TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED.
YOU LET BETELGEUSE OUT AND DIDN'T PUT HIM BACK!
AND YOU LET OTHO TAKE THE HANDBOOK!
THE HANDBOOK? WHEN?
NEVER TRUST THE LIVING.
WE CANNOT HAVE A ROUTINE HAUNTING LIKE YOURS
PROVIDE PROOF THAT THERE IS EXISTENCE BEYOND DEATH.
COACH. COACH, WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?
I'M NOT YOUR COACH! HE SURVIVED.
LET ME GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
WHAT'S OUR CURFEW AROUND HERE?
WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?
GET DOWNSTAIRS!
MEN'S ROOM, ARE YOU KIDDING? CAN'T YOU READ SIGNS?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MAYBE THIS WAS ALL A BAD IDEA.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
OH, WHO ARE WE KIDDING, CHARLES?
YOU'VE NEVER HAD A BAD IDEA.
YEAH?
YEAH. THIS COULD ALL WORK OUT.
HOME.
THOUGH...
I'M NOT SURE THAT THIS IS THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT FOR LYDIA--
SNAKES, GHOSTS...
SHRIMP.
OH, YOU FAMILY TYPES.
YOU'VE GOT OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.
MAXIE DEAN'S COMING HERE TONIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT TO SELL THESE GHOSTS.
I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.
WILL YOU VICIOUSLY REARRANGE THEIR ENVIRONMENT?
I KNOW JUST AS MUCH ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL
AS I DO ABOUT INTERIOR DESIGN.
[OPERA PLAYING]
"I AM...ALONE."
"I AM... UTTERLY...ALONE."
"BY THE TIME... YOU READ THIS...
"I WILL...BE GONE...
HAVING JUMPED--"
"HAVING PLUMMETED...
OFF...THE WINTER... RIVER...BRIDGE."
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU GET THE DEETZES OUT OF THERE NOW!
FLIGHT 409...
WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
TO SCARE THEM!
I WANT TO MAKE SURE IT'S NOT SOME SILLY PARLOR TRICK.
I'LL GO FIRST, HONEY.
[POP! POP!]
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.
NOW YOU.
GO AHEAD!
OKAY.
YOU LOOK GREAT. NOW GO CLEAN HOUSE,
AND DON'T FORGET THE PHOTOGRAPHS
AND THE DAMNED HANDBOOK!
PLEASE REPORT TO DOOR NUMBER NINE.
ALL NEW ARRIVALS REPORT TO WAITING ROOM NUMBER EIGHT.
COACH?
WHAT?
I DON'T THINK WE SURVIVED THAT CRASH.
HOW DID YOU GUESS?
MR. AND MRS. MAITLAND?
HELLO?
HOW ARE YOU?
DEAD.
DEAD, DEAD, DEADSKI.
OF COURSE THEY'RE DEAD. THEY'RE GHOSTS.
NO. I MEAN THEY'RE GONE, SPLIT,
OUT OF HERE, AFTERLIFE KIDS,
DECEASED.
ARE YOU A GHOST, TOO?
I'M THE GHOST WITH THE MOST, BABE.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY I CAN RELATE TO.
MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS DEAD THING--
[CRUNCH]
IT'S JUST TOO CREEPY.
SEE, HERE'S MY PROBLEM.
I GOT THESE FRIENDS I SAID I'D MEET.
I HAVE TO BE THERE IN PERSON,
SO COULD YOU HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE?
I WANT TO GET IN.
WHY?
YOU KNOW, HEY, YOU PROBABLY GOT YOUR REASONS.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FROM HERE.
IF YOU COULD GET ME OUT,
THEN MAYBE WE COULD TALK.
BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT,
SAY MY NAME THREE TIMES.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WELL... I CAN'T TELL YOU.
WHY NOT?
IF I TELL YOU, YOU'LL TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
I GOT TO APPEAR AT SHOPPING CENTERS FOR OPENINGS,
SIGN AUTOGRAPHS, AND SHIT LIKE THAT,
AND IT MAKES MY LIFE A LIVING HELL.
BUT IF YOU HAVE A PEN--
I KNOW! DO YOU PLAY CHARADES?
YEAH.
GOOD, GOOD. HERE WE GO, THEN. READY?
UM, TWO WORDS.
RIGHT! UH...
UM...
FIRST WORD, TWO SYLLABLES.
LOOK!
Y-YOU KNOW, JUST TURN AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR SIGNAL MEANS.
TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU!
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
AHH! B-BEETLE.
GOT IT! OKAY. NOW. TWO. SECOND ONE. COME ON.
UH, UH, BREAKFAST? ORANGE? ORANGE BEETLE?
UH, BEETLE FRUIT?
BEETLE BREAKFAST?
UH, B-BEETLE DRINK?
UH, BEETLE... UH, UH, UH...
BEETLE...JUICE?
THAT'S IT!
YOUR NAME'S BETELGEUSE?
YOU SAID IT TWICE! JUST SAY IT ONCE MORE!
IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT?
THE SNAKE.
NO. WHAT SNAKE? YOU KIDS AND YOUR IMAGINATION!
JUST SAY IT!
NO. I WANT TO TALK TO BARBARA.
YOU DON'T NEED TO TALK TO BARBARA! SAY IT!
OH, ADAM, I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I LIKE THAT LITTLE GIRL.
BUT, BARBARA, HONEY, IT'S TOO LATE.
WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
NO, WE DON'T. I MEAN, CAN'T WE REBEL OR SOMETHING?
OHH...BARBARA.
ADAM, I WANT TO BE WITH LYDIA.
COME ON! JUST SAY IT!
NO! NO!
LYDIA, DON'T SAY IT!
AAH!
FUCK YOU! SAY IT!
IT'S OKAY, IT'S US. WHAT'S GOING ON?
BETEL--
SHH!
HE SAID THAT IF I LET HIM OUT,
HE'D TAKE ME TO FIND YOU.
NO. LYDIA, WE'RE DEAD.
I WANT TO BE DEAD, TOO.
NO!
LYDIA...
BEING DEAD REALLY DOESN'T MAKE THINGS ANY EASIER.
NOW, LISTEN TO HER ON THIS, LYDIA.
THIS IS SOMETHING WE KNOW A LOT ABOUT.
AND YOU CAN COME VISIT US ANY TIME YOU WANT.
I HAVE A FEELING
THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO BE BETTER AROUND HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BETTER?
WELL, WE'VE DECIDED THAT WE'RE GOING TO INVITE
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TO STAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, LYDIA.
HA HA!
[DOOR OPENS]
CHARLES, WHY CAN'T WE BRING MAXIE UP HERE?
YOU'VE GOT A STAKE IN THIS, TOO, OTHO.
A PRESENTATION REQUIRES A SENSE OF STYLE.
HOW WILL WE GET IT OUT?
IT'S SECTIONAL. GET BOTH ENDS.
IT WON'T BUDGE.
OKAY, GO!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW. I'LL GO FIND OUT.
BE CAREFUL.
WE'VE GOT ED CORNWALL TO HEAD THE WAX MUSEUM
DEDICATED TO 50 GREAT MOMENTS OF THE PARANORMAL
HERE IN THANKSGIVING PARK!
NOW, YOU MUST REMEMBER ED, MAXIE.
HE'S THE GENIUS WHO GAVE US THE TALKING MARCEL MARCEAU STATUE.
AND D-CON IS ON ITS KNEES TO SPONSOR THE INSECT ZOO
HERE IN THE OLD HARDWARE STORE!
WE CAN'T LOSE!
LYDIA, YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN US.
HONEY, I JUST, UH, FINISHED THE INITIAL PRESENTATION.
NOW I THINK IT'S TIME TO HAVE A STRETCH
AND TO INVITE OUR FRIENDS TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS, OKAY?
ARE THEY HERE YET?
CHARLES, WE'RE HERE TO SEE SOME GHOSTS.
YOU--
THEY'RE NOT HERE... ANYMORE.
EVERY TIME SHE SAYS THAT, THE PAINT PEELS
AND, UH, SOME WILD CREATURE TRIES TO KILL US. HA HA HA!
BUT WE HAVE THESE PICTURES.
THEY SAID THEY MIGHT COME BACK
AND WE COULD LIVE HERE
IF YOU AGREED NOT TO TEASE THEM
OR MAKE THEM DO STUPID TRICKS.
SHE HAS SUCH A TENDENCY TO OVERREACT.
DON'T WORRY. WE'RE NOT RELYING ON HER.
WE HAVE...OTHO!
ARE THEY STILL HERE, OTHO?
ARE THEY HERE?
OH, THEY'RE STILL HERE. THEY'RE JUST HIDING OUT.
PROBABLY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO ME.
THEY'RE SORRY THEY DIDN'T KILL YOU.
I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM.
OTHO, CAN YOU DO IT?
IT'LL BE TRICKY, BUT I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
NO!
WAIT. WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT, OTHO?
YOU CAN'T EVEN CHANGE A TIRE.
HMM HMM!
I'LL BE NEEDING SOMETHING PERSONAL OF THEIRS.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE GOODWILL.
EXCUSE ME.
THE WEDDING CLOTHES.
THE WORDS.
"HANDS VERMILION,
"START OF FIVE,
"BRIGHT COTILLION...
"RAVEN'S DIVE,
"NIGHTSHADE'S PROMISE,
"SPIRITS STRIVE,
"TO THE LIVING, LET NOW THE DEAD
COME ALIVE."
[THUNDER]
BARBARA?
BARBARA!
"AS SUDDEN THUNDER PIERCES NIGHT,
"AS MAGIC WONDER MAD AFFRIGHT
"RIVES ASUNDER MAN'S DELIGHT
"OUR GHOST, OUR CORPSE
AND WE RISE TO BE."
OH, NO.
BARBARA?
STOP!
SHH!
NO!
"AS FLIES THE LIZARD, SERPENT FELL,
"AS GOBLIN VIZARD
"AT THE SPELL,
"THE BURIED, DEAD, AND SLAIN
RISE AGAIN!"
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THEM?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE DYING!
THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD. THEY CAN'T FEEL A THING.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. LOOK AT THEM!
THAT'S ENOUGH, NOW.
CAN YOU STOP THIS?
OTHO.
IT'S TOO LATE, CHARLES. I'M SORRY.
WHERE ARE YOU?
OH, HELP THEM, PLEASE.
SURE, I CAN HELP THEM,
BUT YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
WHAT?
I'M LIKE AN ILLEGAL ALIEN.
I WANT OUT, FOR GOOD.
TO DO THAT, I GOT TO GET MARRIED.
HEY, THESE AREN'T MY RULES.
ACTUALLY, I DON'T HAVE ANY RULES.
COME ON.
THINK OF IT AS A MARRIAGE OF INCONVENIENCE.
I GET OUT. YOU GRAB THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR
SINCE VALENTINO CAME OVER.
WE'RE EVEN.
OKAY, JUST HELP THEM.
SURE.
BETELGEUSE.
IT'S SHOWTIME.
ATTENTION, K-MART SHOPPERS.
HA HA HA HA!
WELL, I'M BACK.
I FEEL REAL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO, WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY,
WELCOME TO WINTER RIVER,
MUSEUM OF NATURAL GREED,
A MONUMENT TO THE BORED BUSINESSMAN.
COME ON A LITTLE CLOSER.
STEP RIGHT UP. TEST YOUR STRENGTH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. WHOO!
THAT IS WHY I WON'T DO TWO SHOWS A NIGHT ANYMORE.
I WON'T DO THEM.
WELL, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE TONIGHT, KIDS?
OH, WE GOT THE MAITLANDS.
I THINK THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH EXORCISE FOR THE NIGHT.
NOT SO FAST, ROUND BOY. WE'LL HAVE SOME LAUGHS.
OTHO!
AAAH!
COME HERE, COME HERE!
YEAH!
MOM, DAD.
I WANT YOU TWO TO KNOW
YOU'RE WELCOME IN OUR HOUSE ANY TIME YOU WANT TO COME OVER.
IN THE MEANTIME,
THE DOWRY'S ON ME, DAD.
AAH!
WELL,
THE MAITLANDS ARE TAKEN CARE OF.
EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE BACK TO NORMAL, I THINK.
SHALL WE?
I CALLED THE CATERERS, GOT A GREAT BAND.
OOPS. WE'LL NEED WITNESSES.
WOULD YA?
AAAH!
NO!
COME ON, LET'S GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY.
DO YOU, BETEL--
AH, OH, AH-AH. NOBODY SAYS THE "B" WORD. COME ON.
DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR WEDDED WIFE?
IT'S A BIG DECISION, ISN'T IT?
I ALWAYS SAID IF I EVER DID IT, I'D DO IT JUST ONCE.
SURE, GO AHEAD.
AND YOU. DO YOU, LYDIA, TAKE THIS MAN--
NO, BETEL--
SHE'S A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.
MAYBE I SHOULD ANSWER FOR HER.
[LYDIA'S VOICE] I'M LYDIA DEETZ.
I WANT THE MAN NEXT TO ME.
YES, I LOVE THAT MAN OF MINE.
THEN BY--
BETEL--
COME ON.
BETELGEU--
SCRAM!
COME ON!
TAKE A HIKE.
MAY WE CONTINUE WITH THE CEREMONY?
THEN, BY--
BETELGEUSE!
EEEEK!
BETELGEUSE.
OH, JESUS.
STRIKE.
LET'S ROLL, REV.
THEN BY THE AUTHORITY VESTED IN ME,
THE RING, PLEASE.
THE RING!
HERE. THAT'S NOT IT.
I GOT IT.
RRRRR!
HERE IT IS.
OH.
HERE YOU GO.
SHE MEANT NOTHING TO ME. NOTHING.
I NOW PRONOUNCE--
COME ON.
MAN AND--
AAAH!
AAAAH!
BYE.
BYE, YOU GUYS.
BYE, LYDIA.
WHAT TIME IS IT, HON?
ABOUT 3:30, I GUESS.
GIVE OR TAKE A YEAR.
HELLO!
WELL...
DID YOU GET THE PAINTS?
YES, AND I TOOK PICTURES OF THE NEW TOWN HALL.
HOW WAS THE SCIENCE TEST?
THEY WANTED ME TO DISSECT A FROG.
I SAID IT WAS AGAINST MY RELIGION. I GOT A "C."
HOW ABOUT THE MATH TEST?
YOU ARE KIDDING.
WE SPENT THE WHOLE WEEK STUDYING FOR IT.
I GOT AN "A."
SO, CAN I?
I DON'T KNOW. A "C" ON THE SCIENCE TEST.
ADAM, DON'T TEASE HER.
YOU NEVER GOT AN "A" IN SCIENCE YOUR--
COME ON.
WELL,
I SUPPOSE.
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[DRUMS BEATING]
THIS THING READS LIKE STEREO INSTRUCTIONS.
SOUNDS LIKE LYDIA GOT AN "A."
JEEZ!
HE LIKES IT.
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE ♪
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, SENORA ♪
♪ WORK YOUR BODY LINE ♪
♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, SENORA ♪
♪ WORK IT ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU ♪♪
HEY!
SORRY. DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING THERE.
WOMEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HER PROBLEM IS.
NORMALLY, CHICKS--
PARDON ME. DID YOU DO THAT?
VERY NICE WORK. HOW DO YOU GET THEM DOWN SO SMALL?
THERE'S ELVIS. YO, KING!
WELL,
LOOKS LIKE I'M NEXT.
GOOD THING, TOO.
I GOT TO DO A PHOTO SHOOT FOR GQ IN ABOUT 1 1/2 HOURS.
THEY'VE BEEN AFTER ME FOR MONTHS.
DOING SOME UNDERWEAR DEAL--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP IT.
YOU'RE MESSING UP MY HAIR! COME ON!
STOP IT! WHOOA!
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD LOOK FOR ME.
♪ TANGO, WALTZ, OR DE RUMBA ♪
♪ SENORA'S DANCE HAS NO TITLE ♪
♪ YOU JUMP IN THE SADDLE, HOLD ON TO THE BRIDLE ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY, CHILD ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OKAY ♪
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE ♪
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, SENORA ♪
♪ WORK YOUR BODY LINE ♪
♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, SENORA ♪
♪ WORK IT ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ SENORA DANCES CALYPSO ♪
♪ LEFT TO RIGHT IS THE TEMPO ♪
♪ AND WHEN SHE GETS THE SENSATION ♪
♪ SHE GO UP IN THE AIR, COME DOWN IN SLOW MOTION ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OKAY, I BELIEVE YOU ♪
♪ JUMP IN THE LINE ♪
♪ ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE ♪
♪ SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA ♪
♪ SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ WORK, WORK, WORK, SENORA ♪♪